Wedding Etiquette: After the Fact
Q My son and future daughter-in-law want a very small wedding. They are only invited 6 people from her family, 6 from ours, just immediate family. I feel terribly bad about my sisters and my husbands sisters and the rest of the family being left out, including my mother (who has dementia). Can I throw a party in their honor in our home town, a month or two after the wedding?

A It is so sweet, generous, and kind of you to want to celebrate their marriage. Do it. You do not even have to wait that long. It does not matter if it is a picnic, a barbecue, or a cocktail party. Your son and daughter-in-law will greatly appreciate any party you throw for them; however, you need to allow them to invite their friends, too.

Wedding Etiquette: All the Bridesmaids Host Bridal Shower
Q As the Maid of Honor, I am planning a bridal shower and I wanted to know how I can ask the other women in the wedding party to help finanically and creatively with the shower. The women I only met once or twice during gown shopping.

A My dear, it is totally appropriate for you to involve all the bridesmaids in the planning, orchestrating, and paying for the bridal shower. Make out a list of the things that need to be done and the expenses. Put your name next to those that you can do. For instance, you might hold the shower at your apartment; however, if you have four roommates in a two bedroom apartment, you might rather find a bridesmaid who would be willing to have the party at her house. First you need to email or telephone the other bridesmaids and tell them that since a bridal shower is traditionally given by all the women in the bridal party, you want to keep everyone in the loop and you are taking a vote on whether to have a coed kitchen and bar cocktail party shower or a girlie-girlie lingerie luncheon shower.
Once you have a vote, go back with your list and find out who might pitch in to cover what. Make it a team effort with you the captain.

Wedding Etiquette: Amount Spent on Wedding Gift
Q What is the proper amount to spend on a wedding gift?

A It would depend upon how well you know the wedding couple and how much you can afford to spend. Why not check out their wedding Web site or the wedding channel on the Internet for their bridal registry information. That way you would be sending them something that you know that they want that you can afford. The store will then send the gift to the registered address. Customarily, guests try to estimate the cost per guest and spend that amount on the gift. For instance, for a brunch or afternoon reception the cost per person would start at approximately $100 per guest so, a married couple attending the wedding might send a present from the bridal registry valued at $200. Seated evening receptions can cost per person anywhere from $150 and up, up, up. Therefore, you would spend what you can afford.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcement Etiquette
Q When two 35 to 45-year-olds marry, what should the wording on their announcement be?

A It would depend upon how formal the wedding couple wish to appear. A formal wedding announcement would have the parents announcing the marriage of their daughter. An informal announcement would have the wedding couple announcing the marriage. If the parents are not alive or if it is a second marriage for the bride, then the couple would announce themselves. Insert your own information, center the lines on ecru card stock with black typeface:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Randolph Dickens
have the honour of announcing
(or have the honour to announce)
the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Caroline
to Mr. William Randolph Shakespeare
on Friday, the tenth of June
two thousand and six (formally the year is spelled out)
Trinity Church
Newport, Rhode Island

Amanda Caroline Dickens
William Randolph Shakespeare
have the honour to announce (honor can be either way)
their marriage
on Saturday, the tenth of June
2006
Newport, Rhode Island

Wedding Etiquette: Announcement When a Parent Is Deceased
Q How do you word a newspaper engagement announcement when the father is deceased and the mother hasn't remarried?

A The announcement would read: Mrs. Such-and-Such of Newport, Rhode Island, announced the engagement of her daughter Anna (insert middle name, if there is one) Gamble, whose father, Mr. Such-and-Such is deceased, to Such-and-Such, the son of Mr. and Mrs. Such-and-Such of Greenwich, Connecticut.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcement: How to Respond
Q My cousin got married last weekend on the West Coast. Over the last 15 years, I haven't seen or spoken with him at all (not even a Christmas card) other than at his sister's wedding eight years ago. There's no animosity between us - just an 18 year age difference and we've always lived in different states, so we don't have much of a relationship. I wasn't invited to his wedding and neither were my parents and sister, but we each just received an announcement. Should I send a wedding gift?

A No, you are not under any obligation whatsoever to send a wedding gift, if you did not attend the wedding.

However, in order to sustain the relationship between you and your cousin, you would send either a handwritten, heartfelt note of congratulations on your best social stationery, or a greeting card adding a few warm words of your own before signing your name.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcement: Listing Groom's Parents
Q My daughter recently got married and I want to send out an announcement of their wedding that includes my new son-in-law's parents. They are divorced, his father is a Colonel as well as a physician in the army. I need to know how to list his name correctly in the announcement.

A Traditionally, in the Christian faith the parents of the bride announce the marriage and the groom's parents' names are not listed on the announcement. Less formally the wedding couple announce their marriage without listing either sets of parents.

Since there are no rules carved in stone, you can do what you wish. Therefore, you would list the groom's father as:

Dr. Colonel John Robert Stevenson

Be sure to spell out all the names, including his middle name.

In my opinion, etiquette-wise the best way to find out how to list the groom's father would be to pick up the phone and ask him directly.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcements
Q Is there a proper way to send out an announcement of the wedding but not exactly invite people? I would like to let people I work with know but don't have the space actually to invite all of them.



A You can handle this in two ways. You can send out a wedding announcement after the fact to all those whom you want to know that you are married and you can announce your wedding in your local newspaper.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcements When Bride's Parents are Divorced and Remarried
Q How to word wedding announcement when bride's parents are divorced and one is remarried?

A As I don't know which parent of the bride has remarried, here are two examples for a wedding announcement, center the lines and fill in your own information making sure that the mother of the bride is on the first line and the father is on the second line, whether they have remarried or not:

Mrs. Jane Wilson Doe
Mr. John Brown Doe
have the honour of announcing
the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Caroline
etc.

Mrs. Charles Stewart Dickens
Mr. John Brown Doe
have the honour to announce
the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Caroline Doe
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcing after the Marriage
Q My husband and I want to send out announcements of our son's wedding (the ceremony and reception will be too small to invite everyone we want.) Who gets top billing on the announcements, the son's parents or bride's parents? Then bride or groom? We want to be correct.

A Traditionally, the bride's parents make the announcement after the wedding by sending out announcements to their friends, your friends, and the couple's friends and relatives. The bride's parents names are at the top because they are making the announcement; it is their daughter who was the one they just gave away in matrimony to the groom. Who pays for the announcement and sends it is none of anyone's business. Customarily, the groom's parents are not on the announcement, but these days people forgo tradition to suit their lifestyle. Whatever you do, pick up the telephone and discuss it with your daughter-in-law's parents and the newlyweds. The announcement might be like this, with your own information:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
announce with great joy
the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Louise
to
Mr. William Shakespeare
June 21, 2006
Nantucket

Alternatively, you and your husband might host a cocktail party, cocktail-buffet or dinner dance for the newly weds within six months after their wedding. At that point you might mention both parents' names on the invitation and you might add an insert card with the newlyweds' address and bridal registry information. Remember: you might not wish to list that information on an announcement on which no invitation was extended to the recipient.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcing to Those Not Invited
Q Wedding announcement prior to the wedding to people not invited to the wedding, should the announcement include where the couple is registered for gifts?

A It is not considerate to send announcements prior to the wedding to people who are not being invited to the wedding, and it is exceptionally rude to ask them for a gift, if you are not inviting them to the wedding. Only people who actually attend the wedding are required to send wedding presents. However, you might send announcements to people after the wedding, but you still would not solicit a gift from them, because their only requirement might be to send a card of congratulations or a handwritten note to the couple.

Wedding Etiquette: Anullment Protocol
Q What is the protocol for wedding gift thank-you notes after the marriage has been anulled?

A It would depend how soon after the wedding the marriage is anulled. If it is a short period of time, say, up to three months, you would package up the gift and return it to the sender with a handwritten note saying something such as this:
Thank you for the beautiful Tiffany vase, which you will find enclosed herewithin. Charles and I have mutually agreed that we should not be married and our marriage has been annulled.

Wedding Etiquette: Are Bridesmaids Parents Invited?
Q Is it customary to invite the parents of the bridesmaids in your wedding party, even if you met them once or not at all?

A No, you are not under any obligation to invite the parents of the bridesmaids.

Wedding Etiquette: Are Invitations Sent to People Who Won't Attend
Q Should wedding and wedding shower invitations be sent to family and friends that are out of state even though it is unlikely that they could attend?

A It depends. For instance, if you know the family and friends will want to send wedding presents, then receiving an invitation keeps them in the loop of the festivities. However, if these are family and friends whom you think might think you are just looking for a gift, forget them. However, if you have attended their family weddings, or expect that you might, then, by all means, send them an invitation. An invitation is a social bid, it does not have to be interpreted as a way to ask for gifts, even though that is often the case.

Wedding Etiquette: Are Organist + Musicians Invited to Rehearsal Dinner
Q Are the organist and musicians invited to a wedding rehearsal dinner?

A No, you are not obligated to invite the organist and the musicians to the rehearsal dinner.

Wedding Etiquette: Asking for Cash on Bridal Shower Invite
Q How do I ask for money on bridal shower invitations?


A If you are a member of the bride or groom's family, it might seem tacky if you ask for money. However, if you are the matron of honor organizing the bridal shower and know that the bride needs money to cover her personal wedding expenses, you might say on the invitation: "In lieu of a present, a small check would be greatly appreciated".

Wedding Etiquette: Asking For Honeymoon Money In Lieu Of Present
Q Is it proper wedding etiquette to ask for money towards the honeymoon instead of presents from wedding guests?

A It is perfectly acceptable to ask for money to be used towards your wedding trip. Why not enclose a small card along with your wedding invitation with your address and words similar to these but inserting your own names: In lieu of a present, Susan and Donald would greatly appreciate a small check towards their wedding trip in Tahiti.

Wedding Etiquette: Asking Unknowns to Family Wedding
Q I live in Texas and received an invitation to my nephew's (half-brother's son) wedding & reception in California. The invitation to the ceremony and reception was addressed only to me. I was briefly separated a few years ago from my husband and my nephew may not know that I've been back at home for several years. I am planning to attend both events and my husband and two grown children will be traveling to California with me. I have booked two rooms in the block set aside at the hotel for out-of-town guests. Would it be proper for me to ask my nephew and his fiance if my husband and children could attend the ceremony and if my husband only could attend the reception with me? If an invitation is extended for my husband and children to attend both events, would it be polite to offer to reimburse them for the extra cost? This situation is somewhat complicated by the fact that I was adopted and did not meet my brother or my nephew and other family members until 10 years ago. My son and daughter have never met my nephew or his sister. We have maintained a cordial but not a close relationship. I was delighted to be invited but don't want to complicate things by asking to bring guests with me, even though they are my immediate family members. Thank you for any advice you can offer.

A If I were you, I might pick up the telephone and call your nephew to congratulate him on his upcoming marriage. Then say something such as this, "I don't know if you know that my husband (insert his name) and I are back together, but we are hoping to attend your wedding, if it would be all right for him to come because his name was not on the invitation. We have booked two rooms for us and my husband's two grown children ages (insert both ages), but since they are not family, I don't want to ask if they can be invited to the wedding." Pause, and remember that he will have to ask his wife to ask her parents if three more unexpected guests can come to the wedding and the reception. He will have to get back to you on this, so you need to tell him that it is not a big deal because they are big boys and are perfectly capable of amusing themselves for an afternoon exploring a new city.

Now, there are a couple of etiquette problems here: your husband cannot regret the wedding ceremony and accept the reception, especially if he wasn't even invited in the first place; secondly, your husband's two sons have never met the bride and groom and they are not related to them, so: unless the bride and groom offer to include them (at the bride's parents' expense), it would be rude of you to ask if they can be invited and offer to pay for their meals.

If the bride and groom extend the invitation to your husband, be grateful, but do not expect, or push, for invitations for his two children. It is not just the cost of having the two grown children, it is the fact that they don't know them and the two children will have to be seated somewhere. Also, if the grown children are under 21 years of age, remember, they will not be allowed to drink alcohol. Unless the couple insist on your husband's children attending, too, don't force it. Should the bride's family be so generous as to include you, be sure to send a hugely expensive present from their wedding registry, as well as a thank-you note to the bride's parents.

Wedding Etiquette: Attending the Reception Only
Q Is it okay just to go the reception??

A Traditionally, it is okay to go to the church and not the reception, but it is not okay to go to the reception and not the church. Some people like to say the reception is your reward for going to the church ceremony.

Wedding Etiquette: Attire: Who Pays For Wedding Attire Of Bridal Party
Q Who's responsible for the wedding attire, for the bridal party?

A Customarily, the groom, his best man, and his ushers go to the same tuxedo rental shop and order their outfits together so that they all match. If the men are over thirty-five years of age and/or are working it is expected that they can afford to pay for their wedding attire rental, however, if they are young and cannot afford to pay often the groom's family might help to cover the expense. The same is true of the bridesmaids. If a bridesmaid cannot afford her dress, the bride's family might help to cover the expense.

Wedding Etiquette: Aunt's Extra Guests
Q We have invited my aunt and her husband to the wedding and reception. My aunt's daughter,(my cousin) has called to say my aunt's husband can't come, but asks if we would have room for herself, her new 2nd husband, and another cousin and wife. She thought it would be fun to reconnect after these 20 yrs. We think she wants to show off her husband. Financially, inviting 4 extras is stressful.

A Just write her a short heartfelt note to tell her how terribly sorry you are but, at this point in time, there are not any places for four more people as you are only inviting close family. Say, "I hope you will understand that this a small wedding."

Wedding Etiquette: Aunt's Role When Mother of the Bride Is Deceased
Q My niece is getting married in Florida in October at a seven pm. candlelight wedding. Her mom, my sister, passed away three years ago and I'm helping in her place. We were best friends and I'm very close to my niece. What do I wear, I'm 58 and is there something really special I can do for my niece to help ease the pain of not having her mom there for this wonderful day?

A You can remind your niece that her mother would be so very proud of her. Tell her that you know that you can never take the place of her mother, but that you want her to call on you to let you know what you can do.

Women our age especially, as part of the wedding family/party, should dress in a dignified and elegant manner. That means that you should wear either a dressy skirted dinner suit or a dress with a matching jacket, both of which would fall just below your knees. An elegant cocktail dress and pearls would suit the occasion.

If there is something special of her mother's, or your mother's, that you could give her, that would be an appropriate gift. Perhaps a piece of jewelry like a locket, brooch, hair ornament, or family heirloom that reminds you of her mother or that you think she would like would be perfect. It could even be a photo of her mum (with or without you in it) that you could give to her in a silver frame and would be something she could always have on display.

Alternatively or additionally, you could host a bridal luncheon or tea the day before the wedding. The bridal luncheon or tea is often held the day before. Having it the day of the wedding would be too chaotic for her, but having a ladies' lunch or tea hosted by you and perhaps your daughter(s) would be very sweet, as long as you don't require guests to bring or send a present, because you don't want to solicit another gift. At the bridal lunch or tea, there could be a bridal luncheon/tea cake with fun charms baked into the cake that have something to do with the bride's life: a tennis racket, dog, ice skate, skis, horse, surfboard, globe (if she likes to travel), diploma (if she is a scholar), book (if she likes to read), or high heeled shoe (if she is a fashionato), camera (if she likes to take photos), phone (if she's a addicted to her cellphone), dolphin (if she's a swimmer).

Wedding Etiquette: Baby + Wedding Shower Combined
Q My son is 24 and he is marrying his fiancee in September. They have a baby due in July. My question is: instead of having a baby shower and then having a wedding shower, could I combine the two, have one shower and the guest can choose to pick from a bridal registry or a wedding registry. I would like to have the shower at the end of May and many guests will be traveling 50 miles to attend. I need some outside advice. Thank you

A Sounds like an excellent solution to the problem. As long as you do not list the registries on the invitation, you are fine. Why not include a separate card with the couple's address and the registry information.

Wedding Etiquette: Bachelor Party Etiquette
Q Who pays for the bachelor party?

A The purpose of the bachelor party is to get the groom, best man, and ushers together for a bit of camaraderie over dinner shortly before the wedding, at which time the groom gives his best man and ushers gifts. The best man and the ushers would then present the groom with a gift that they had bought collectively. Traditionally, the groom pays for the bachelor party as a thank you to his best man and ushers, but nowadays it is more apt to be a Dutch Treat dinner with everyone offering to pay his share of the bill. Of course, it might depend upon the circumstances of those attending. If, say, one of the ushers is in school and keeping up with his working friends is impossible, the other ushers or the groom might cover that man's share. It is the job of the best man to be sensitive to who can afford to pay what and which expenses might prove to be a hardship for any of the ushers. The answer is that everybody pays for the bachelor party who can afford to share in the cost.

Wedding Etiquette: Bachelorette Etiquette: Invitations
Q I am sending invitations for a bachelorette party and need RSVP's to confirm hotel rooms required. If I mail the invitations Friday, January 19th, how many days should I allow before RSVP deadline. 7, 14 days? The party is March 3rd. Also, how soon should you mail an invitation for a bachelorette party?

A You need at least five days for delivery of the invitation. Count a week for mail delivery and give her a week to make the decision. Since it is a bachelorette party, you can pick up the phone, email, or text message the guests. Bachelorette parties are all about getting and keeping the guests in sync. So: forget snail mail, be proactive.

Wedding Etiquette: Bachlorette Etiquette
Q I am my sister's maid of honor. I am planning a bachelorette party and I wanted to know if you have any good ideas of what to do for the party. If we go to dinner and to a club, does everyone pay for their own meals and drinks? Also, do you have any suggestions of fun ways to make the bride money? As the maid of honor, should I send invitations to the guests and are the guests supposed to bring gifts? If so, what kind of gifts?

A There are lots of different ways to celebrate a bachelorette party. The first thing to do might be to ask the bride what she might like to do. It is important to invite only women that the bride really likes. You might want to telephone or email the friends so that you can get a definite commitment as well as a consensus of what people might be willing to do. For instance, my daughter just returned from a bachlorette party where eleven of the bride's friends went to Miami for the weekend. All the women paid their own way and the bridesmaids had tee-shirts made up for each woman commemorating the bachlorette weekend. So: what guests contribute is what they can afford to pay. These young women stayed in a hotel on the beach, but you might borrow someone's beach house for the weekend. Alternatively, you might take the bride out for a nice dinner where collectively you treat the bride to dinner. Alternatively, you might organize a spa at home party. The "present issue" might be determined by how much the guest is asked to spend on the party. Why not check out your local bookstore for books written for bridesmaids that list the steps to making a bachlorette party a success and also have lots of party and game ideas. See if you can find "The Bridesmaid's Handbook: Savvy Advice, Sensational Showers and Secrets to Success," by Kathy Passero, published by Barnes & Noble Books (which you can probably order online). Since I do not know the bride or anything about her lifestyle, it would be best if you found a general guidebook on bridesmaids with a chapter on bachlorette parties which would include a whole range of ideas in different price categories, as well as suggestions for games and gifts.

Wedding Etiquette: Beau Only Invited
Q My boyfriend received an invitation to a wedding. On the envelope it didn't include my name or "guest". We know the couple and they know he has a girlfriend. On the RSVP card it asks how many will be attending. Am I invited or not?

A If you had been invited, your name would have been on the envelope, and since the words "and guest" were not written after your boyfriend's name, he is invited solo. The RSVP card is printed for everyone, singles, couples, families, so that the invitees might give an accurate account for the caterer; it is not a carte blanche for guests to invite guests.

Wedding Etiquette: Best Man Can't Afford Airfare
Q My son was asked to be best man in his friend's upcoming wedding to take place in Cancun in Sept. Is my son responsible for all his travel expenses and accomodations? He is a senior in college and doesn't have the money. I find this tacky on the groom's part not to offer for at least the airfare!

A Your son needs to have a conversation with his friend, the groom, telling him that he is honored to be his best man but, as a college student, he can not afford the airfare. If the men are close friends, the groom will know your financial bracket and be sensitive to his dilemma. Often in weddings when a member of the family or bridal party cannot afford to pay the expenses, the bride or the groom's family will contribute. Remember, sir, there may be a time when your son is the groom and you are asked to pitch in. Perhaps you have airline miles to spare and you would be willing to use them towards your son's ticket. Your son needs to solve this problem quickly, if the groom has to find another best man.

Wedding Etiquette: Best Wishes + Congratulations
Q Is it inappropriate to wish a bride-to-be "Congratulations"? I have always heard that is should be, "Best Wishes", but don't know just why that is.

A Please do congratulate the bride. The whole congratulations vs. best wishes issue is dated---and sexist. Think about it. Why would you congratulate the groom on his great catch and say to the bride best wishes that you don't get ditched at the altar.

Wedding Etiquette: Bicoastal Wedding: Pleasing Everyone
Q We are from New England and my daughter now lives in San Diego where she met her fiance and would like to get married out there. The weather is perfect, it will be easier for them to pick their photographer, DJ, etc., also it is sentimental for them since they met there. The problem is that we have several friends and family in the New England area who will not be able to make it to California for the wedding. How do we handle the invitations? My daughter thinks we should invite them to let them be polite but let them know that no gift is needed. I do not think we should invite them since that is almost saying send a gift. Please help.

A In my opinion, your daughter is correct in wanting to include all of her old family friends by inviting them to her wedding. If they do not attend the wedding, they are not obligated to send a gift. They can send a card or a handwritten, heartfelt note of congratulations. After the wedding trip, or whenever the newlyweds wend their way east to New England, even if it is a year from now, you can give a cocktail party in their honor. At that cocktail party, those who sent a gift, will be entertained and those who send an acknowledgment will be acknowledged.

Wedding Etiquette: Black Tie Means Black Tie
Q My husband and I are invited to a "Black Tie" wedding. He prefers to wear a staight tie with his tuxedo. Is this acceptable?
Thank you for your advice!
Martine Braccia-Dimino

A Even though dress codes for formal wear have expanded to include non-tux evening clothes such as black or blue velvet dinner jackets worn with cowboy boots, if the invitation states "Black Tie," your husband would want to adhere to the dress code. Most men don't like to wear bow ties, but comfortable ones can be found that are already knotted and attached to a satin strip that hooks around under the shirt collar. When a specific dress code is stated, it is best to respect the wedding couple by dressing the part. When you think about it, a straight tie would look awkward. It would be a style-challenge with a black-on-black tuxedo. A button-down white shirt and straight tie would dress down even the most modern, classic, simple shape, single-breasted, black tuxedo jacket. The tuxedo shirt and jacket are designed to be worn with a bow tie. However, there are bow ties and there are bowties. Why not find a good one that is comfortable for your husband and tell him that he looks suave?

On the other hand, if it is a contemporary wedding taking place in, say, Los Angeles or New York, your husband might easily wear the preferred smart dark suit with a straight dark tie, or a dark velvet dinner jacket with a tuxedo shirt, satin-striped trousers, and no tie at all. So, yes, he can wear a straight tie but not with his tuxedo.

Explain to him that though in some circles today's tux is rarely black and white, the wedding dress code is all about the wedding couple. The tuxedo is still a uniform when it is the dress code to a traditional wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Black Tie Wedding Mother of Groom's Role
Q Please explain Black Tie Wedding, also what should Mother of Groom wear and does color of gown affect her presence? What is proper etiquette for this type of wedding?

A Traditionally, a "Black Tie" wedding would begin from six o'clock on. The mother of the groom would wear a dinner suit or a short, three-quarter or floor-length evening dress of fabric fitting the climate or season. She might wear dressy, low slig-backs or pumps with a complementing evening bag. She might want to telephone the mother of the bride to ask her what she is wearing and about the color scheme of the wedding. Brides usually have a vision of how the wedding is set and asking her for advice, would be totally appropriate, too. If the invitation says "Black Tie," you can wear your best jewelry.

As for proper etiquette, as to what traditionally the mother of the groom's responsibilities are, aside from helping her son with the cost of the wedding trip and hostessing the rehearsal dinner the night before, she would stand in the receiving line between the bride's father and the groom's father, and she might give the customary mother of the groom toast to the couple after the mother of the bride has toasted the happy couple.

Wedding Etiquette: Bosses' Gift
Q How should a boss acknowledge an employee's wedding? He does not want to attend. Should he send a gift?



A The boss would send a gift from the employee's wedding registry. It is not so much about how much the boss spends on the gift as the fact that the boss went to the trouble to find out what the employee needs and wants. The store will then send a gift that the employee has chosen to the registered address.

Wedding Etiquette: Boutonnieres
Q What side should a boutenniere be placed?

A Men wear boutonnieres on their left side lapel, which is the flap of the jacket that falls back against the breast.

Wedding Etiquette: Breaking the Engagement
Q What should be included in notes to return engagement gifts after a broken engagement?

A When the engagement is called off, the engagement presents are wrapped and sent back with a note of thanks that might say, "Thank you so very much for your beautiful, generous present."

It is customary, if you have time, to send a printed card to all those who were sent a Save the Date card or who attended the engagement party, which might also be used to return the engagement presents. Fill in your own information and center the lines on the card:

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe
announce the marriage of their daughter
Jane Amanda
to
Mr. William Brown
by mutual agreement
will not take place.

Alternatively, you might say in a personal note: "We have decided that the wedding should be called off," or "Both of us have decided that it was best to call off the wedding," or "We both equally agreed that the wedding should be called off," or "By mutual consent, we have agreed to break off our engagement." It does not matter who called off the engagement; it is a time for compassion and consideration for all, so: it is best, in writing and in talking, to use phrases such as: "both decided," "equally agreed," "mutual-ly agreed upon decision."

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Dress Code: Cathedral Veil
Q When is it ok to wear a cathedral length veil?

A When you have a very, very long train.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Dress Code: Veil
Q What type of veil is needed with a full wedding dress?

A The longer the train, the longer the veil. The train and veil need to be in equal proportion. As only you and the bridal shop know the length of your train, you need to ask them what length veil you need. If you want to ask the question again on my website, www.newportmanners.com, and include the length of your train, I would be happy to give you a more precise answer.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Gift From Maid of Honor
Q What is an appropriate gift to the bride from the maid of honor?


A Look up the bride's bridal registry through the wedding couple's wedding Web site or on the wedding channel to find something that she really wants, that you can afford, and have the gift sent to the registered address.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party
Q Five years ago I was a bridesmaid in a college friend's wedding. We rarely talk these days. Now that I am getting married, am I obligated I have her in my bridal party?

A It is your wedding and you should have whomever you wish in your bridal party. Chances are your friend has new friends, too, and will understand that since you are no longer close friends, you are not obligated to have her in your bridal party.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party
Q My daughter wishes to have two bridesmaids (one being the Maid of Honor) while her fiance wishes to have only one attendant (Best Man). Is this proper etiquette? I guess I'm from the old school- I think it should be an even number.

A It is your daughter's wedding and she should have whomever she wishes in attendance. It really depends upon the size of the wedding and it certainly would not be incorrect if your daughter has a matron of honor and a maid of honor. She only needs one attendant but if she is having trouble deciding on one or the other, let her have two attendants.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party
Q I just got engaged and we have asked selected people to be part of our bridal party. Should we follow up with an official invitation?

A You would reiterate the invitation to be part of the bridal party in conversation or through email. Often wedding couples set up their own wedding website to keep family and friends, including the bridal party in the loop about the wedding festivities, activities, itinerary, dress code, and it is often used as an easy way for guests to RSVP. As the wedding couple, you need to keep in close contact with your bridal party.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party Etiquette
Q Is is ok to have two maids of honor? And is it ok to have one matron of honor and two maid's of honor and some other bridesmaids?

A The maid of honor is your number one bridesmaid. There is no rule carved in stone saying that you have to have one, but you will spend months having to explain why there are two. Yes, you can have a matron of honor if you also have the maid of honor. The matron of honor is or has been married. The maid of honor has not and is not married.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party Expenses
Q How much is too much for the bride to expect from the bridal party? Does the bridal party have to pay hotel expenses for themselves for an out-of-town wedding? How many nights should be expected from the bride for the out-of-town bridesmaids?

A When you invite someone to be a member of your bridal party, you are asking them for a huge commitment of their time and funds. If out-of-town guests cannot be put up by family friends, then you would block off a couple of rooms in a hotel near the site of the wedding for them. If a much beloved friend cannot afford to pay for her dress or airfare, you might put aside money in the wedding budget to cover such expenses whether they are for a bridesmaid or for the rental of the usher's suit or the groomsman's travel accommodations. Remember that when members of the bridal party are asked to give gifts for the engagement party, the shower, and the bachelorette party, the gifts tend to get greatly watered down, so don't be disappointed if after all these expenses that they don't send a wedding present. If you cannot find hosts to house your bridal party and they cannot afford the expense, you will have to pay for their hotel room the nights of the rehearsal dinner and wedding reception.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party Gifts
Q Who in the wedding party do you give gifts to?


A You might give gifts to your attendants as a thank-you for taking time out of their busy lives to help you celebrate your marriage.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party Member + Guest
Q Should a bridesmaid be extended the courtesy of bringing a guest to a wedding, if she is not engaged or married?

A Traditionally, the bridesmaids and ushers are kind of paired off, as they are in equal numbers. However, often there are married bridesmaids and ushers. A bridesmaid or an usher who is in a relationship, no matter how committed, should be allowed the option of bringing their special friend. After all, introducing a man to your close friends is an indication to him that he is worthy of the occasion and it is an opportunity to show him that he has been accepted.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party: Mother as Best Man
Q Would it be proper for a mother to be her son's best man, or is this position for men only?

A If the son wants his mother to be his best woman and she wants to comply, then why not. There are not rules as such carved in stone enforced by etiquette police. Yes, it is unconventional. Would I not recommend? No, because the emphasis is on the bride and groom; not about making waves. I am sure the mother of the groom can find other ways to help celebrate her son's marriage aside from hostessing the rehearsal dinner and giving the bride a wedding gift just for her.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Procession
Q What is the proper order for the wedding procession?

A The groom along with the minister and his best man come from the side of the altar to await the procession in front of the altar. In pairs the ushers march up the aisle in step and stand on the right-hand side of the altar as you face it but facing the congregation next to the best man and the groom. If there are pages and/or a ring bearer, they would come next followed, if there is one, by a junior bridesmaid who would help keep the little guys on track. Then the flower girl(s) proceeds the bridesmaids walking sprightly in pairs up the aisle where they form the flank on the other side of the groom, mirroring the ushers but leaving three spaces open between them and the groom. Next, walking alone, the maid of honor is followed by the matron of honor, and then the bride walks up the aisle on her father's right arm.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Procession Symmetry
Q I am not sure, if you can help me. I am having a problem with my wedding. My fiance has two mothers. He has a step- mother, and he has his biological mother. His stepmother will be walking down the aisle with his father, but his biological mother does not have anyone to walk down the aisle with. We want her to walk with the parents down the aisle, but we do not know with whom she should walk. I have two fathers. I have a stepfather, who is walking me down the aisle. My biological father is only invited to the wedding. I was wondering what the wedding etiquette is regarding this issue. Thank you so much for your time.

Sincerely,

Audra DeLay


A The bride's biological father could walk the groom's biological mother down the aisle. Your wedding is not about them and they need to help you with the symmetry here. Alternatively, you might choose a little boy, a cousin or nephew, or son of the matron of honor, to walk the groom's mother down the aisle. The little boy will charm the audience and everyone will forget that the groom's mother has no one to walk her down the aisle.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Register for Second Wedding
Q Is it appropriate for a bride to register if it is her second marriage?

A Anyone attending your wedding will want to send you a token of their appreciation for having been invited to such a special occasion, so you need to register or you will get lots of stuff you don't need or want. Please read my answer to a similar quesstion by clicking on Frequently Asked Questions and going to Wedding Etiquette.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Registry: Ribbon Only
Q What is meant by phrase Ribbon Only when it is at the of a bridal gift regestry?

A The phrase "Ribbon Only" means that the wedding couple would like you to make a donation to the charity of your choice.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower
Q Who is to be invited to the bridal shower?

A Traditionally the bridal shower is a fun girlie-girlie luncheon, tea, or supper where the bride's closest women relatives and friends shower her with lingerie, sex toys, luxury toiletries, and other accesories she might might like to take on her honeymoon or put in her trousseau.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower
Q Is it appropriate for the mother of the groom to give a bridal shower?

A Traditionally, the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. There are two kinds of showers for the bride to be, one is an all women's shower given by close women friends and relatives to shower the bride with lingerie. The other is a coed cocktail party for the bride and groom that might have a kitchen theme. You need to talk to the bride and groom because one shower is sufficient to find out what they would like you to host.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower + Rehearsal Dinner
Q When planning a rehearsal dinner, isn't it proper to invite all out-of-town guests, not just the bridal party and immediate family?

Secondly, isn't it proper that the bride's family (meaning sister and mother) should make the shower for the bride, and, if the groom's mother desires, isn't it up to her to say she would like to, but not a necessity?

A First, the purpose of the rehearsal dinner is to feed the wedding party, who have just come from the rehearsal, close family, and out-of-town guests, because it is good to connect them all before the wedding.

Second, actually it is the bridesmaids who organize, but not necessarily, pay for the party for the bride's close women friends, relatives and co-workers, who shower the bride with girlie-girlie niceties. Anyone can host the shower; however, the bridesmaids probably should set the pace.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Cash Gifts
Q How do you write on a bridal shower invitation that the bride would prefer cash instead of gifts at the bridal shower?

A Traditionally a bridal shower is a girlie-girlie party either a luncheon, tea, or supper at which her closest women relatives and friends shower her with gifts just for her of sexy lingerie and other accessories for her trousseau and honeymoon. It is about having fun and not about hoarding the cash. Brides need to keep in mind that the more gifts that are required from their friends, the less expensive those presents will be worth.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Dispute
Q I am a bride to be I have told my attendants when and where I want my bridal shower. My future mother-in-law cannot make it on that date and has decided to give a different shower before my shower that I planned. She refused to give up her trip that she planned over a year ago and paid the tickets for her trip. I think she is unreasonable. Am I correct?

A It is perfectly acceptable to have two bridal showers dividing the events between the older and the younger women guests. Why not cut your future mother-in-law a little slack because she is becoming a part of your family and you might want to start your relationship out on a happy note. Let her have her shower her way and you can still have your shower your way. Bridal showers are supposed to be fun for everyone.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Etiquette
Q I am planning a bridal shower and I need some suggestions for door prizes to hand out and games that can be played during the shower? Any suggestions?

A As I do not know your budget or the bride's interests, why not look through a recently published guidebook for bridesmaids, for instance "The Bridesmaid's Handbook," by Kathy Passero, published by Barnes & Noble Books has lots of ideas for bridal showers, door prizes, and games.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Etiquette: Invitation Hostesses
Q Is it proper for a wedding shower invitation to list the names of the people giving the shower (as hostesses)? All involved are friends of the bride's mother.

A It is helpful to know who would be thanked for the wedding shower and to whom you would introduce yourself, so I would put the names on the invitation, or at the very least list them under the RSVP along with their phone numbers. However, as you probably know, you would not list the bride's mother because, traditionally, family does not solicit gifts for family; that is the job of the bride's mother's friends. So: do list the names of the hostesses.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Etiquette: Second Marriage
Q Is a bridal shower appropriate for a second marriage?

A Yes, if a certain amount of time has passed since the first marriage, it is totally appropriate for women friends and relatives of the bride to give her a small luncheon, brunch or tea and present her with, say, lingerie, soaps and bath oils, sachets, and other feminine niceties.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Etiquette: The Mothers' Relationship
Q Is it inconsiderate for the mother of the bride to book a date for the bridal shower and not ask the mother of the groom if she would be available, especially if she lives eight hours away?

A Traditionally, the mother of the bride wouldn't be hosting the bridal shower. She wouldn't be soliciting gifts for her daughter. It is up to close friends or even a cousin or aunt to host the bridal shower. Let's move on from the damage that has been done. I only pointed this out so that you would see that this wedding is not going to be following traditional etiquette.

That's OK. I just don't want your expectations to be too high. The mother of the bride runs the show, everyone follows her lead. At least that what she thinks. If she doesn't adhere to traditional etiquette, there is nothing that can be done about it. People come from different backgrounds. It is possible that she assumed that the groom's mother wouldn't be able to attend the shower because of the great distance and expense and, therefore, she didn't think to consult her about the date.

Yes, it was inconsiderate of the mother of the bride not to consult with the mother of the groom over the date for the shower, but there is nothing that can be done at this point. She might be pleasantly surprised if the mother of the groom attends and then she might try to make it up to her in some way. The mothers might even become great friends.

The mother of the groom could even consult with the mother of the bride about her outfit for the wedding asking her to email a photo of her outfit so that the two mothers are dressed in a similar fashion--but not too similar. If she involves her in what she is wearing and asks about what the bride's mother is wearing, they will have something new to bond over and discuss. Hopefully, through these conversations, a life-long friendship will evolve.

Let go of the business about the shower date and focus on how to befriend your son's mother-in-law. Eventually, you will be sharing many holidays, grandparents' days at school, graduations, and other family events for years to come. It is best to get off to a good start and move towards forging a friendship with your son's mother-in-law.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Etiquette: Who Hosts the Shower?
Q Who, typically, hosts the bridal shower?

A Traditionally the bridal shower is hosed by the bridesmaids. Often the maid or matron of honor will take the lead and organize the event, or work with the group as a whole on choosing a date, place, time and theme for the shower. If, say, the maid or matron of honor lives on a different coast, is still in school or has a new baby, another bridesmaid would take over the lead. Nowadays, all the bridesmaids share in the organizing and the cost of the shower.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower for 4th Wedding
Q Do you have a bridal shower for someones fourth wedding?

A It would be up to the bride. If a few close women friend's and relatives of the bride would like to shower her with girlie-girlie gifts of lingerie and sex toys, the women should give her a small shower. Would it be appropriate to throw a huge bash, I wouldn't think so.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower for Second Marriage
Q My daughter is getting married for the second time in Puerto Rico. It is his first marriage. They have been together 4 yrs. with 2 children (she has 4 total). Is it proper to give her a bridal shower? Since there is a reception in Puerto Rico, am I obligated to have something here?

A You can give her a bridal shower before the wedding, but traditionally family does not solicit gifts for family. It would be better if the shower were given by a friend. You can host, say, a cocktail party for the newlyweds upon their return from their destination wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower for Small Wedding
Q A very good friend of mine is getting married in 3 months. She is having a very informal wedding, no traditional wedding gown, no bridesmaids, no best man/maiden of honor, no dinner reception, just cake/punch following the ceremony. Her sisters want to give a wedding shower; I know my friends and family will not want to give presents if they aren't invited to a dinner/reception. What is proper, no shower? Thank you.

A There is no reason why the close women friends and relatives can't give your friend an all women bridal shower with a lingerie theme, but be sure to invite only those who have been invited to the wedding. Alternatively, her close friends and family might host a coed shower in honor of the bride and groom with a kitchen theme.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Gift
Q What is the appropriate bridal shower gift from a bridesmaid?

A The bride knows you will have incurred many expenses to help her celebrate her marriage so the shower gift might not be necessarily costly but it does have to be personal. Traditionally, the bridesmaids shower the bride with girlie-girlie luxuries that we do not often buy for ourselves. For instance, lingerie, lingerie satin bags, sachets, cosmetic bag, toiletry bags with her monogram, antique linen hand-towels embroidered with the first letter of her new last name, Jo Malone bath and body oils and lotions (Nutmeg & Ginger or Roses), scented French candles, soaps and room sprays from Fresh or diptque (Baies or Feuille de Lavande), soothing or frisky CDs (Alicia Keys, Tony Braxton, U2, Macy Gray. Michael Buble) a novel or mystery to read on the wedding trip, a fountain pen to write all those thank-you notes, a Hanro T-shirt, Moulton Brown massage oil, and adult toys, such as a small vibrator to massage the back of his neck.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Gift
Q What should the mother of the groom buy for the bride's gift at her bridal shower and how much is proper to spend? My Mom does not want to look cheap nor does she want to be too extravagant. Thanks!

A If the bride has a bridal registry, why not have your mom choose something that your mom likes from the registry? Traditionally, the groom's mother and grandmother give the bride, say, a piece of heirloom jewelry, perhaps a brooch that has been in the family. If the bride appreciates antiques, your mother could give her, say, a silver dressing table hair brush, comb and mirror set, a small enamel clock, decorative picture frame, or crystal perfume bottle. Whatever the heirloom, it would be something especially from the family to her, as opposed to being, say, her fiance's great grandfather's silver snuff box. However, even though it is for her, it could have his family monogram on it. If antiques are not an option, why not go online and look at the Scully & Scully catalogue, www.scully&scully.com, to view the small enamel boxes commemorating the year that she marries your son. The traditional wedding gifts from the groom's mother are, once again, heirloom jewelry, and also fine linens. It is not so much about the cost of the gift, as it is about being slightly personal but not overly familiar, which is why a brooch, small monogrammed family silver, and exquisite porcelain are so special, and yet not for every bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Gift Certificates
Q My daughter lives on the West Coast. I am throwing a bridal shower for her on the East Coast. Is it tacky to write on the invitations to please, as a gift, give only gift certificates so we don't have to ship stuff? Thank you.

A No, it would not be tacky, but it might be more personal if you told the guests on the phone when they called to RSVP the situation. Perhaps you might suggest to your daughter that she should register on the Internet wedding channel, then the stores will have the shipping address on her registry.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Gifts
Q If you give a gift at the bridal shower, do you still have to give a gift for the wedding? What is appropriate? Two gifts ?

A You would give a gift for each event you attend, except the bridal luncheon. In my opinion, in your case you would either give two small gifts, one for each event, or one really nice gift.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Guest List
Q Should we invite all the women who are attending the wedding to the bridal shower?

A No, you do not need to invite all women who are attending the wedding to the bridal shower. Ask only the women who the bride really likes and feels comfortable with; it is her special shower and she should be surrounded only by the people with whom she truly enjoys spending time. It might be best to show her the guest list and let her eliminate anyone whom she would not be thrilled to see at her shower and anyone that makes her uptight. Sometimes we have to invite people who are not really fond of to our wedding because they are either part of our extended family or are married to someone we really do like so: the shower is an opportunity to invite only those women the bride is genuinely fond of and wants to have with her at this special time.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Guest List: Children
Q My daughter is getting married and would like her very mature ten-year-old niece to be included in a bridal shower her fiance's grandmother is hosting. The grandmother thinks the niece is too young. What are the "rules" for such a situation?

A If the grandmother is serving alcohol at the shower, she is correct in not inviting the ten-year-old. If the ten-year-old would be the only child at the party, the grandmother is correct in not inviting her. There are no "rules" carved in stone. Different people are brought up with different values and different ideas of manners. When we marry into other families, their "rules" are apt to be different and everyone must learn to compromise. Good etiquette is about consideration, compromise and compassion. In consideration of the grandmother, who is hosting the bridal shower, you would bow to her hostess code. Remember that nothing is more detrimental to family relationships than criticism, so: relationships would be best served by supporting the hostess. Perhaps a babysitter could be hired to take the ten-year-old and a friend out for pizza and a movie, where, no doubt, she would probably have more fun anyway.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Guests
Q Is it appropriate to invite friends of the groom's mother to the bride's kitchen shower if those friends were not invited to the wedding? The wedding invitations have all gone out, and none was received. So, there is no question as to whether the friends were invited to the wedding.

A Traditionally the purpose of the bridal shower is for close women relatives and friends to shower the bride with the personal things she will need in her married life. It is considered an intimate gathering of the bride's circle of women who are either part of the bridal party or who will be participating in the festivities of her wedding. A person who is not invited to the wedding may expect to be invited to the wedding after the bridal shower, so the groom's mother would need to make it abundantly clear to those who won't be wedding guests that a wedding invitation will not be forthcoming so there won't be hurt feelings. However, if the groom's mother was holding the shower in a different town from where the wedding is taking place, it would be appropriate for her to introduce her new daughter-in-law to her friends and their daughters. If the groom's mother and the bride live in the same town, perhaps the mother-in-law could find another way to introduce her circle of friends to the bride's circle of friends after the wedding by hosting a tea or lunch. At the end of the day, ask the bride because it really is her decision and the bridal shower should be all about her.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Hostesss
Q Is it bad etiquette for the mother of the bride to have a bridal shower for her?

A The bridal shower traditionally is given by a close female friend or relative, but never by the mother or a sister of the bride. However, if none of her friends can afford to host a shower, the mother might offer to pay for the shower but her name would not appear on the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Invitations
Q How long before a bridal shower are you suppose to send the invitations.
Thanks, Mother of the Bride

A Try to send the invitations out six weeks before the event, especially if the wedding is taking place on a Saturday.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower or Engagement Party
Q Is it okay to have a big bridal shower inviting friends, co-workers, and family if you are having a small wedding with just family and close friends? So can you invite people to the shower that you're not inviting to the wedding?

A I am not sure how to answer your query because I don't think that hosting a bridal shower will solve your problem. Bridal showers are usualy girlie-girlie parties where your female relatives and girlfriends eat tea sandwiches and watch the bride-to-be unwrap naughty lingerie and sex toys. The men folk are sometimes invited to come at the end for a drink and pickup their ladies.

People invited to a bridal shower, like the people above, are invited to your wedding. They are showering the bride with gifts for her "wedding night." Also, the bride does not give a bridal shower for herself.

Might I suggest that you host an engagement party to which you can include people who are not invited to the wedding. During the party you and your partner can spread the word about the fact that you are having a very small wedding, which is why you are having this party now. If the timing isn't right for an engagement party, you could call it a wedding shower. Another trend picking up momentum is for the bride and groom to host a big party the night before a very small wedding in lieu of a rehearsal dinner.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Without Bride
Q My mother-in-law is giving a bridal shower for my future sister-in-law. I feel uncomfortable about attending for several reasons. One) The bride lives out of state and the wedding is out of state. The bride won't be at the shower. 2) The family and friends that my mother-in-law is inviting don't know the bride and not invited to the wedding. 3) Am I bitter because I wasn't given a shower 10 years ago when I married her older son? I really love my mother-in-law but don't know how to tell her this is not proper etiquette or is it just me? I just feel funny about it but I know she has the best of intentions for the couple - as I love them too. It's hard to know what to do since they live out of state. Help!

A Excuse me, but you need the bride's presence in order to have a bridal shower. The origin of a bridal shower is the showering of gifts on to the bride. Otherwise, it just looks like a booty call and her friends will see through her deviousness. Her intentions may be good, however, as presented, it is hard to believe. Perhaps you might give her an alternative suggestion: encourage your mother in law to wait until the newly weds come to town, at which time she can host a cocktail party, cookout, or cocktail buffet for her son and his bride. We don't want your mother in law to make a fool of herself, unfortunately older people don't always stop to think about what they are doing, so we need to cut them some slack and watch their back. It's a juggle but someone has to stop her.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower: Guest List
Q If a male is invited to the wedding and he is dating, do you invite his date to the bridal shower?

A You would only invite the friend's date to the bridal shower, if you feel that she is a possible, potential longtime friend. You are not obligated to invite her. The invitation list is at the discretion of the bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower: Gift Etiquette If You Don't Attend
Q If I don't attend a bridal shower, do I get the bride a gift anyway?

A If you do not attend the bridal shower, you are not expected to give a gift; however, most people do. An invitation is a social bid that needs to be responded to in order to sustain the relationship. If you do not send a gift, then at least send a card or a handwritten, heartfelt note to the bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower: Thank-You to Co-workers
Q My co-workers threw a bridal shower for me at work and gave me a very generous monetary gift. The card has a slip of paper with all the names of who contributed toward the gift. Do I send 1 thank you or individual thank-you cards to each person?

A If the card was signed by six people or less, you might send a handwritten heartfelt thank-you note to each of them individually making the notes slightly different by changing an adjective or two. If the card was signed by more than six people, you might write one letter addressed to each of the names and send copies to all, but hand sign your name and perhaps, write under your signature something like, "Many thanks, Gloria!"

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower?
Q Hi, I have a friend who is getting married. She is older and wants to plan the wedding quickly...July. She seems to think that she can have a wedding shower after the wedding. Is this proper? Can you do this without offending somebody? What do you think?
Thank you for your time.


A If your friend is getting married in July, it would be better if she had an engagement party as soon as possible now, or wait until the Spring to have a bridal shower, which would only include her girlfriends, female relatives and coworkers. To read my answer to a similar question, please go to my website at www.newportmanners.com, click on Frequently Asked Questions, and scroll down to Wedding Etiquette.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Table Seating
Q Where do the bride and the groom sit at the head table - when you face the table.

A When the bride and groom are to sit at the center of a one-sided rectangular table facing their guests, seated side by side, the bride is seated on the right of the groom.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Tea Party Gift
Q What is an appropriate gift for a bridal tea party?

A The appropriate gift for a bridal tea party sounds as if it should be terrifically elegant. How fun, this might be an old-fashioned girlie-girlie party for the bride at which time she will be showered by those little luxuries we don't buy for ourselves; they might include lingerie, satin bags for lingerie, sachets, designer bath oils and lotions, for instance anything from Jo Malone, fresh cosmetic bags and bags for toiletries---with monogram is the trend right now---and French room sprays, candles, and soaps from either diptyque or Fresh. Keep it light, fresh, and fun.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Versus Wedding Present
Q I gave a bridal gift to the bride. Do I also have to give a wedding gift, too?

A The bridal gift traditionally is a present selected for the bride's personal use and a wedding present is a gift selected for use by both the bride and the groom.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal/Baby Shower
Q Okay - so my husband's friend is engaged to be married and his bride-to-be finds out that she is 5 months pregnant and the wedding is 2 months away. A group of us just received an invitation for a bridal/baby shower and have the following question: does this mean that we should get two gifts - one baby and one bridal - or will one do? Thank you!

A No, you do not need to give two gifts for one shower. Chose a gift for the bride as a person and forget the complicated situation.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride + Groom Host
Q How to word wedding invitations when bride is paying for reception, groom is paying for rehearsal party?

A It doesn't matter who pays. What matters is who is giving the bride away in marriage. If the bride does not have parents or she is estranged from them, then the invitation could be from both the bride and the groom. The rehearsal dinner would then be given by both of them, too, no matter who pays.

The wedding invitation might read (substitute your own information and center the lines on the page):

Amanda Charlotte Winslow
and
George Brown Nelson
request the honour of your presence
at their marriage
etc.

The rehearsal dinner would read:

Amanda Winslow and Geoge Nelson
cordially invite you to
their Rehearsal Dinner
Friday, May tenth
at seven o'clock
The Black Pearl Restaurant

RSVP 000-0000-0000

Wedding Etiquette: Bride + Groom Write Thank-Yous
Q A bridal shower is given to the couple, the bride-to-be refuses to send thank-you notes because the attendees of the shower are primarily the groom's family and friends. Is it the groom's responsibility to send thank-you notes?


A Nowadays the bride and groom share the responsibility of writing the thank-you notes. It is hard to write thank-you notes to people you don't know, so perhaps the solution is to have the groom write the notes to his family friends and the bride to hers.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Dress Code: Black Wedding Dress
Q Is it ever appropriate for a bride to wear black? This is the second marriage and the bride is 56 years old. Thank you

A An elegantly chic friend was married in beige and then for the reception changed into a black dress. There is no rule carved in stone that says you cannot wear black. It was not until Queen Victoria first wore a white wedding dress that it became a trend, which you certainly do not have to follow. If you feel comfortable in black and your fiance does not mind, then wear black. Chinese brides wear red.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Escorted by Father and Stepfather
Q When a bride gets married, her parents are divorced, and there is a stepfather, who escorts the bride so neither the father or stepfather are hurt?

A Customarily, the father escorts his daughter up the aisle. However, these days just about anything goes, so talk to your clergyman and ask him if he might allow you to have both your father and stepfather walk you up the aisle, one on either side.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Helps Mother of the Groom Select Her Dress
Q Is it appropriate for the bride to select and suggest the dress that the mother of the groom is to wear to the wedding?

A You might want to make it a joint shopping trip to assure that the mother of the groom is comfortable in the dress that the bride approves of, and that the color and style of the dress fits in with the bride and groom's vision of how they wish the family to look in the wedding photos.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride is Meddling With Shower
Q I am the sister of the bride and maid of honor. A friend of ours, groom's mom and myself are giving her a wedding shower with the three of us co-hosting. The bride is insisting on approving of our invitations, wording on invitations, and final approval of almost everything. What should we do?

A You need to remember that this is your sister's wedding and she is acting out her dream of how things should be. Cut your sister some slack and let her do whatever she wants to do.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Wants Cash Gifts
Q How do you ask guests to give only monetary gifts, tactfully? We want to provide a money tree, box, etc. Already have my own household and don't need the normal gifts.

A Accompanying your wedding invitation you might include a small a card stating that "In lieu of a bridal registry, a small check would be greatly appreciated." You want checks because in the flurry of activity it is all too easy for money to disappear. Plus, with a check, if you lose the card at least you have the guest's name on their check so you know who to thank.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Wants Daughters to Give Her Away
Q My father is deceased, would it be ok to have my 2 girls walk me down the aisle?

A It would depend upon whether or not you were married before because a bride can only be given away once in a bridal ceremony and you have not made this clear. If this is your second wedding, you cannot be given away again. Your two daughters could accompany you up the aisle, but they would not be able to give you away because you have already been given away. You cannot be given away more than once. If you have not been given away in a bridal ceremony previously, and you wanted to follow tradition, a male member of your family, your godfather, or a close male friend, would step in for your deceased father to give you away.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Wants Mother to Wear Bridesmaids' Color
Q My daughter is requesting that I wear a suit to the church ceremony that is the same color of her bridemaids. Is this appropriate?

A Let's assume that your daughter is suggesting that you wear a well-cut dressy dinner suit or a dress with a matching jacket, which is quite appropriate for the mother of the bride to wear at her daughter's wedding. Brides and grooms usually have a color scheme and a vision of how they want everyone to look in the wedding pictures, so why not do as she suggests.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Wants Out After Two Months
Q Our daughter thinks she wants out of the marriage of just two months. What do we do?


A What you, your daughter, and her husband have to be aware of is the fact that many newlyweds suffer from depression just after their wedding. It is commonly called post-wedding depression. One or the other might feel that they have made a terrible mistake. The depression comes on after the excitement of the wedding has subsided. When all the planning, attention, and events that focused around the wedding couple come to a hault, then all of a sudden they face the reality that it is just the two of them. One or the other, or both, might be wondering: "Is this it?"

Try persuading your daughter and her husband into therapy. If there was fire there once, it might be able to be reignited. Reassure your daughter that it is quite common to have these feelings at this point.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Wears Sister's Dress
Q Wearing my sister's wedding dress for my wedding? Proper or not???

A You are the bride and you can wear whatever wedding dress you wish. If your sister's wedding dress is a comfortable fit, by all means wear it. If it is not a comfortable fit, you might want to have it altered.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride with Children Questions Last Name Usage
Q I am getting remarried. I have two children. I want my married last name to be my new husband's, but I am concerned not to have my children's name at all in my name. Is it proper to keep my children's last name (which is my current last name) as my middle name and then my new husband's last name? Is that inconsiderate to my new husband? Are there any rules anywhere on this?

A I am terribly sorry, but you are not going to like my answer. The only proper way you can hold on to your ex-husband's last name is not to change your last name when you remarry. Since you told me that you want to use your new husband's last name, that is not the solution you are looking for. Another solution would be to change your middle name legally to your ex-husband's last name. However, I think that sends the wrong signal to your new husband.

You can do whatever you want---there is no etiquette police who enforce laws carved in stone. Therefore, if you want to change your middle name legally to your ex-husband's name, you are certainly free to do so.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride with Two Escorts: Father and Ex-Wife's Boyfriend
Q Is is not proper forthe father of the bride to walk his daughter down the aisle? My ex-wife wants her live-in boyfriend of 12 years to walk my daughter down the aisle also with me. What do you think?

A Nowadays, I am afraid anything goes. Since there are no etiquette police to enforce the rules, people pretty much do what they want to do. The wedding is all about the bride and the groom. If the bride wants to be walked up the aisle by you and her mother's boyfriend, then that is her pregorative. Communicate directly with your daughter and ask her what she wants. Tell her you will do whatever she wants you to do but that you want to hear it from her. Tell her that no matter what she finally decides, you want the honor of dancing with her before he does because she will always be your baby girl.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridegroom's Parents Pay for Their Guests
Q Our daughter is getting married. Is it okay for the groom's parents to pay for their invited guests' meals at the reception? We will be taking care of everything else. Our son is getting married four weeks before. HELP !!!

A Goodness gracious you certainly have a lot going on and a lot of expenses at this point in time. I am sure if you talked to your daughter and future son-in-law about the situation, they would be able to give you some insight as to whether or not his parents could afford to contribute to the wedding. Since money is always a sensitive topic, they would probably rather have the discussion with their son first. Work out the details ahead of time of exactly which parents are paying for what; one parent should be in charge of paying the bills and then in this case, the bridegroom's parents would pay you for the cost of their guests' meals. Don't be embarrassed by the situation. Many families have the same dilemma.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridegroom's Responsibility
Q What are the responsibilities of the parents of the groom?

A The groom (or his family) is responsible for the following:

The groom needs to sit down with his future bride and future in-laws to discuss the wedding plans and specifically who will be responsible for what. One person should be designated treasurer in charge of all the expenses. The bride and groom with their parents then figure out who pays for what. (Go to the top of the page and click on Frequently Asked Questions and scroll down to Weddings for more information.)

The organization and the expense of the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.

The groom chooses a best man to watch his back throughout the entire planning and process of the wedding.

Buying the marriage license and the wedding bands, which should be done with the future bride.

The groom offers to pay the clerical fees for the ceremony, although usually the bride's family will see to it that they are paid because they have reserved the use of the ceremony space.

The groom entrusts the wedding bands to his best man before the wedding.

The groom handles everything to do with the honeymoon, the planning, the reservations, the quality of the accommodations, the total expense of the entire wedding trip, the assemblage of the luggage, and the transportation from the wedding reception. He needs to make sure both passports are up-to-date and that he and his bride both have two forms of photo identification.

Additionally, if the bridegroom is a traditional romantic, he will pay for the cost of his bride's wedding bouquet and the boutonnieres for his ushers or groomsmen.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridemaids' Luncheon
Q Is a gift for the bride expected at a bridesmaid's luncheon?

A A gift is expected at the shower because at showers, the bride is showered with small personal gifts. Guests at the bridemaids' lunch do not bring gifts.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Entrance
Q I am getting married in two weeks & we have yet to figure out which arm I take of my father's (the left or right), who's on what side of the aisle and which side does the groom's family sit & the bride's family sits.

A The bridegroom's family is seated on the right-hand side with his friends seated behind them. The bride's family and friends are on the left. The bride's mother is seated in the first pew and she is the last person to take her seat. Her arrival ten minutes ahead of the bride is the signal that the ceremony is about to start. She can be accompanied by a member of her family and together they are escorted to their seats by the head usher. She leaves a space for her husband who joins her after he has given away the bride. The bridesmaids and pages gather near the door to the church with the maid of honor five minutes before the bride arrives. The bride arrives with her father and they pose for photos. The maid of honor helps her adjust her veil and dress. The signal is given and the organist begins to play the entrance music. The groom and his best man take their positions at the altar. The bride's father steps out with his daughter on his right arm and they slowly proceed up the aisle to the nave of the church followed by the bridesmaids in pairs. The father and the bride stand to the left of the groom and she drops her arm from her father's. At the altar the order is: bride's father, bride, groom, and best man.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Father's Present
Q I was divorced approximately 4 years ago after a 28 year marriage. We have two children (girl 28, boy 23). My daughter is getting married in early June. I insisted (with my ex-wife) that I pay for half of the cost for my daughter's wedding. Since I made this committment, I have become unemployed. The vast majority of the invited guests have been invited by my ex-wife (out of 140 people I invited less than 20 people). Is it necessary, for me to give my daughter a gift, considering that I am paying for half of the wedding?
Thank You.

A It is not necessary for you to give your daughter and her groom a wedding gift, but you might, say, offer to give them airline miles for their wedding trip. Or you might offer to pay for your daughter's bridal bouquet. As you know, the quality of a gift is not necessarily based on the grandeur of the gift, as much as the necessity of the gift. It is the generosity of spirit that is important. No doubt, you will be giving a toast to the wedding couple at the reception. So there are many subtle ways that you as a father can step in to be helpful and show generosity of spirit.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Father's Toast
Q When at a wedding, at what time does the bride's father give a welcome and thank you speech to the guests?

A Traditionally, the best man is the master of ceremonies. He organizes the toasts several weeks ahead of time and at the wedding reception he starts off the round of toasts by toasting the bride, then the groom toasts the bride, the bride toasts the groom, and then the father of the bride toasts the wedding couple.

After the best man has made the first toast, he signals to each person in the wedding party whom he knows wants to make a toast, when it is their turn. Customarily, it is done this way because otherwise there might be chaos with two people at different sides of the room, say, getting up to toast at the same time, or there might be four toasts to the bride and none to the groom. So: you would confirm your plan to make a toast to the wedding couple with the best man and wait for him to signal you to take the floor shortly after your daughter has made her toast. Don't forget, wedding toasts are no longer than three minutes each.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Gift To Groom
Q Is it customary for a bride to purchase a wedding gift for the groom? And what would be an appropriate gift?

A Traditionally, after the groom gives the bride an engagement ring, the bride reciprocates by giving the groom something personal that she knows he would like or that he needs. For instance, the bride might give the groom cuff links, studs for his tuxedo shirt, a watch, a photograph of herself in a handsome frame, or a camera to be taken on their wedding trip.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Mother + Wedding Shower
Q Can a mother of the bride help with the wedding shower?

A Traditionally, the mother of the bride does not solicit presents for the wedding couple. However, the mother of the bride can have someone else host the wedding shower for her and she can organize and pay for the shower behind the scene, if she wishes to do so. The bride's mother's name would not be on the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Name First
Q Which name goes first when referring to the bride and groom, like on napkins or if doing a reading in church?

A The bride's name would appear first on a napkin or in a church reading.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Parents Bickering
Q My boyfriend's daughter is getting married. I am not invited to the wedding even though I was not the cause of his divorce; he separated 4 yrs. ago and we will have been dating for a year and have plans to marry next year. He says it would be awkward. I have altered the girl's wedding dress for her and sewn the bridesmaid dress. The bride resents me; everything I have done and been asked to do is through her Dad. To what extent does he have to participate with his ex? He does not want to do the dance thing or sit beside her as she is now contesting the divorce papers, which she won't sign. It's the bride's day so I can care less about going. Hurt feelings sure, but it's her day. The groom's family invites them for dinner to their house; is he obliged to go with the ex? She is now wanting alimony from him even though the separation covered all that.

A It sounds as if the bride's mother is under a lot of pressure, not just financially but socially in terms of being a single parent at her daughter's wedding and having to deal with the mounting bills. You sound like a well- mannered and sensible person; in stressful times such as these often a strong person needs to come forward and help the bride's parents pitch in and work together on making the wedding a success for their family. As you said, the wedding is all about the daughter but, sadly, her parents are making it a battle ground. Perhaps you might get your boyfriend to talk to his ex-wife about calling a truce on their marital/financial bickering until after their daughter is wed. Remind him that he and his ex-wife are role models of behavior for the daughter and if they are behaving badly, it only reflects poorly on their daughter.

After you've gotten them to call a truce, see if you can get them to conform to proper etiquette. After the groom walks his daughter up the aisle he sits in the bride's parents' pew next to the bride's mother, whether they are married or not. This is how nice people behave. When the bride looks over at the parents' pew, she needs to see both of her parents. He does not need to stand in the receiving line for any longer than necessary; most fathers don't. It is likely that he will be seated next to the groom's mother, who will be on his right, at the parents' table. While the groom's father dances with the groom's mother, the bride's father dances with the bride's mother, no matter what. Everyone will be looking to see how these two bickering parents behave and they need to set boundaries of behavior because they are their daughter's role model.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Parents Can't Make Wedding Plan Come True
Q What if the parents of the bride, after making all the wedding and reception plans with the bride and groom, suddenly find they are not prepared to pay for it?? Is it appropriate for them to then ask the groom to speak to his parents about paying for their guests? What if the groom's parents are not able to do so?

A These days, often the expense of the wedding is shared by both families. Since you already have the dream plan on paper, you might come up with an alternative plan eliminating a couple of elements and shortening your invitation list. You might opt for a less formal reception, for instance a buffet lunch instead of a seated dinner, or using the church hall for the reception instead of paying for a banquet hall, or you might rent a tent and tables and chairs and have the reception on your lawn. See what you can do by paring down the existing plan to one you can afford. Then meet with the bride and groom and tell them you were not prepared for all the hidden expenses, so you have come up with an alternative plan. If this does not solve the problem of cost, then you or the bride might ask the groom if his parents might be able to pitch-in. In many situations, such as yours, one parent will act as treasurer paying the bills and then the costs are divvied up between the two families. Often when the bride's family cannot afford to pay for the wedding and the groom's family can, the groom's family are happy to pitch in. Traditionally, the groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding trip so you need to find out what they are already preparing to contribute before you ask them to help with the wedding reception. When you meet with the groom's parents you might find that by pooling your ideas, you come up with all sorts of ways to spend less, for instance they might have a relative or friend who is a florist or owns a restaurant, or they may offer to host the reception at their country club or Elks Club. Many times a wedding is more fun when everyone is included in a less formal setting. The sooner you resolve the problem and begin communicating with your new extended family, the sooner you will start having fun making your daughter and future son-in-law's wedding come together.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Present to Groom
Q Does the bride-to-be buy the groom-to-be a present before the wedding?

A Traditionally, the bride gives the groom a pair of cufflinks, studs, a watch, or a framed photograph of herself.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Rings
Q Do you wear your engagement ring down the aisle or do you put that on after the ceremony? Also does the wedding band go below or above the engagement ring?

A The bride is not wearing her engagement ring walking down the aisle; however, she can put it on anytime after the wedding band has been placed on her finger. So: the wedding band is closest to her palm and the engagement ring goes on next.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Stepmother
Q Didi:
I am struggling with this one. My father is re-married to a woman we (my siblings) all despise. They have been together 20 years now - lots of bad blood and memories. Her kids are adults, we get along with them, they are invited. My father's wife was not. Still a week before the wedding, I could change it, but really don't want her there. What should I do? My daughter left it up to me whether to invite her or not.

Also best way to honor my mother at the wedding - who passed at this time last year...

thanks, RJ

A Take the high road. You all may despise your dad's new wife, but he makes her happy or he wouldn't be with her. If he was miserable, he would be emotionally dependent on all of you kids. Think about it: Do you want to be changing his Depends? Put it this way, he is a co-dependent guy; it is either her or someone worse. Go up the ladder and invite her, too. Sorry, about your mum. In the program for the ceremony, after the listing of the bridal party add these words: We remember this day Alice Wilson Adams. Obviously you would substitute your mum's name. It is especially difficult when you know that she is missing such a special occasion.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid + Shower Present
Q Does a bridesmaid purchase the bride a shower gift if she is heavily involved in the planning and cost of the event? If so, should it be something from her registry, or more a personal type of gift?

A No, you might not be expected to purchase a shower gift since you have been so involved with the shower, however, if you think you might feel empty handed you might bring a tiny gift beautifully wrapped, but it is not necessary.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Dresses: When They Don't Like the Bride's Choice
Q What is correct etiquette when the color amd style of the dress that the bride has chosen for her attendants is totally wrong for the attendants?

A The bridesmaids need to tell the bride that they don't feel that the bridesmaid's dress is appropriate for all of the bridesmaids. But before you do this, do some research and come up with a dress that suits all of your figures and budgets, then present your suggestions to the bride. Traditionally, the bride takes the matron or maid of honor and another bridesmaid with her when she picks out the dress. If she hasn't done this, you can certainly say why you don't like the dress; for instance, long bridesmaid's dresses are "so over." Also, you want a dress that you will be able to wear again. Although strapless is in right now, not all women look well in a strapless dress. Short dresses are usually less expensive because there is less fabric. So: come up with some alternative choices, which you have a consensus on from the other bridesmaids, before you present the bride with alternatives and tell her why the bridesmaids don't like the dress.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Etiquette
Q My mother seems to think that the sister of the groom should be included as a bridesmaid in the wedding party, if the sister and the fiancee and the sister and the brother all have close, good relationships. Is there a hard and fast rule about including the sister of the groom in the wedding party? Thank you.


A It is the prerogative of the bride to chose her bridesmaids. Do not rain on that parade.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Etiquette
Q When is the appropriate time for bridesmaids to leave a wedding reception? Are they required to stay until the end of the evening? Can they leave before the bride and groom leave?

A The bridesmaids can leave after the bride throws her bouquet.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Etiquette
Q My maid of honor doesnt understand that there is a budget for this wedding and is buying new shoes, stockings and a floor-length gown and has sent me a bill. I know I asked her to stand with me but how do I explain to her I cannot afford her stuff as well as my gown?

A Actually, the maid of honor buys her own gown, shoes and stockings. If you did not offer to pay for these things when you asked her to stand with you, then you are not obligated to pay for them. On the other hand, if you did offer to pay for them, you would have stipulated a budget and that you would like to approve the gown and shoes before the purchase. If the maid of honor has gone ahead and bought things that she cannot afford, you need to tell her that she has to return the gown and shoes for ones that she can afford. If she does not want to do this, then you do not have to pay, nor do you have to pay the difference between what you can afford to pay and the actual cost of the item. How to resolve this after the fact is dicey. You need to have a friendly conversation with the bridesmaid and try to get her to see the situation from your point of view. Ask her this: "How do you think you would handle this situation? I should have given you a budget before you went out and spent money that I cannot afford to reimburse you for because I have so many other expenses towards the wedding. Would you be willing to compromise with me by, say, taking back the long gown and exchanging it for a dress that falls just below the knees?" This way you are not criticizing her behavior, because as you know nothing destroys a relationship faster than criticism. But you are enlisting her compassion by trying to get her to think about the consequences of her spending money you did not allocate. Tell her that you have a very strict budget and give her an amount with which she can work. If she wants to keep what she bought, then she pays the difference. Also, long gowns on bridesmaids are so over, she would look a lot chicer if she wore a short gown anyway. To soften boundaries that you are setting, you might want to let her off the hook about having to buy you a wedding present. Remember that etiquette is all about compassion, consideration and compromise. Try to get her to put herself in your shoes and then ask her to compromise. Set boundaries of what you can afford to give her a certain amount towards her outfit and suggest that she purchase a shorter gown. Nowadays, the only person at a wedding who wears a long gown is the bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Etiquette: Pregnant Bridesmaid
Q What is proper etiquette for bridesmaids that discover they are pregnant?

A The bridesmaid would have a conversation with the bride telling her the happy news. The bridesmaid when then offer to give up her duties, in other words, she would offer to resign and let the bride replace her with another friend. The choice is at the discretion of the bride. The proper etiquette is to let the bride off the hook by resigning.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Etiquette: Wearing Hose or Stockings
Q TODAY'S YOUNG GIRLS DO NOT THINK WEARING HOSIERY IS NOT VERY COOL. IN A WEDDING WITH DRESSES BELOW THE KNEE, FORMAL AT 5 O'CLOCK BLACK SHOES, OPEN TOES, IN JANUARY. COLD WEATHER. MOTHER OF THE BRIDE WANTS THE GIRLS TO WEAR HOSIRY. BRIDE SAID NO HOSIERY BARE LEGS. WHAT IS CORRECT?????????????? IN CHURCH.

A Girls these days, especially if they are in a wedding, groom their legs. Not only are their legs shinny and smooth as the finest silk stocking, but the girls are more comfortable. It is not about the hose. It is about having legs that are well-groomed, shiny and tanned. None of the bridesmaids is going to show up with her legs showing dark stubble or looking flaky. Trust that these girls are more on top of looking good for your daughter's wedding than you can possibly imagine. I understand your concern here, but I want you to do the right thing. There are battles to be fought, but hose is not one of them. Believe me, God and the priest won't notice if the girls are wearing hose or not. Be assured that the bridesmaids will be well-groomed and no one will notice that they are not wearing hose because everyone will be focused on the beautiful bride. Perhaps the focus should be on the color of the nail polish for their toes and fingers. Now that needs to be coordinated, along with the style and hight of the heels.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Hosts Dutch Treat Dinner
Q I'm planning a bridal shower (I'm a bridesmaid in the wedding) at a restaurant. I fear people will expect their meals to be paid for, when in fact they will not. Is there a PC way to address this issue on the invitation? (The manager of the restaurant has asked me to ask the women to bring cash with them, since there are going to be about 40 people there.) (Most of these people live out-of-state, so word-of-mouth isn't a good option.)

A At the bottom of the invitation, under the RSVP, you might print something like this: "Dutch Treat" $45. Cash Only Dinner includes meal, wine, tax and tip. You will also need to state "No Presents" opposite from the RSVP on the right hand side, because you are already asking them to pay for their meal and they will have plenty of other expenses associated with the wedding. Don't forget to factor in the tax and gratuity when determining a set price, perhaps the manager might help you with this.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Luncheon
Q Who should give a bridesmaid luncheon and what is the purpose of it?

A Traditionally, the matron of honor, the maid of honor, and the bridesmaids host a party for the bride on the same night as the bachelor dinner for the groom; the bride's close women friends and relatives are invited, all of whom have been invited to her wedding.

A bridal luncheon would not necessarily be held by the bridesmaids. It would more than likely be hosted by friends of the mother of the bride and their daughters. It would be held at noon on Saturday before an evening wedding for the women in the bridal party, close women friends and relatives of the bride and the groom's close women relatives. It would last for two hours, and it is a polite way of giving the ladies lunch on the wedding day when the wedding is later in the day. At that time the men might be off playing golf or sailing. The purpose of the bridal lunch is to introduce the out-of-town women guests and the bride's friends and family to the groom's.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Luncheon
Q Who is invited to a bridesmaid luncheon? Thank you.

A The bridesmaid luncheon can serve different purposes. For instance, it can be given by the bridesmaids the day before the wedding just for the bride. Or a friend or relative of the bride or groom's mother can host a luncheon for all the women in the bridal party and any out of town guests or close friends of the family that have been invited to the wedding. Or it might be a simple luncheon of sandwiches and yogurt hosted by any of the bridesmaids or the bride the day of the wedding while the bride is being helped into her dress. Often for the dressing session the bride's mother will hire a make-up artist and hair stylist to attend to each member of the bridal party. Or there can be two luncheons: one formal luncheon given by a friend or friends of the bride's mother the day before the wedding as well as a small grooming luncheon for the bridesmaids and bride the day of the wedding. Then again, often several women will host a formal ladies luncheon in a private home or club or restaurant the day before the wedding and the bride will be given a cake with various good luck charms hidden inside. Depending upon your circle of friends, there are various traditions that can be brought into place. The intention of the bridal luncheon is to make sure that all the bridesmaids arrive ahead of time so that if a bridesmaid, say, is missing anything or needs help sewing on a strap, finding the right shoes, or having a nail polish change those details can be handled at that time. When many of the guests have, say, traveled across country to attend the wedding, then the wedding couple's families and close friends try to provide hospitable ways to host the wedding party and out-of- town guests with pre-wedding barbecues, cookouts, luncheons, golf games, etc. Start by making a list of all the women in the bridal party, including women relatives such as aunts, grandmothers, godmothers, stepmothers, and then list the out-of-town guests so that when someone offers to host a bridal luncheon you have a good idea of how many people might be able to attend, if invited to a bridal luncheon. As you can see, there are many variations of the bridal luncheon whether you just want to make sure that the bride and her maids have something to eat before the big event, or you just want to make sure that all the women in the bride's inner circle have a chance to socialize over lunch.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids + Mothers Don't Wear the Same Color
Q I am not sure if this question is considered etiquette or not. However....my stepdaughter is getting married in August, and she told me to get a yellow dress. When I went to the bridal store to find something, I was talking to the owner and explaining to her that my stepdaughter was getting married and that the bridal party was wearing yellow and that she wanted myself, her mother, and her mother-in-law to be to all wear yellow, as well. She informed me that we (the mothers) are absolutley not supposed to wear the same color as the bridal party. I have to place my order by the end of this month, so I was wondering if you could tell me what is correct and what isn't. I talked to my stepdaughter about it and she said if I could find out for sure what was right and wrong, she would greatly appreciate it. Thank You Very Much For Your Help.

A There is no law about the mothers wearing the same color as the bridesmaids. It is customary for the mothers to wear beige from head to toe. Usually the bride and groom visualize how they want the wedding party to look in the photographs. This year "the" color is yellow; however, do you really want to compete with all those cute, young bridesmaids? See if you can get your stepdaughter to look at the big picture and realize that she might not want her mother, stepmother, aunts, and grandmothers all looking like older bridesmaids. You ladies will look lovely and dignified all in beige blending into the scene. There is no law, but maybe there should be. Ultimately, as you know, it is your stepdaughter's wedding and her decision.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid's Dilemma: Two Brides Same Day
Q What do you do if you have verbally committed to being a bridesmaid for two different weddings but they ended up on the same day? How do you decide?

A This is a decision only you can make. Discuss your dilemma with each of the brides because you might find that one of the brides has a problem because she has asked too many friends to be bridesmaids or that one feels bad because cousin so-and-so is feeling left out. If you still can't decide, be a bridesmaid for the friend who invited you first. Then you can tell number two the truth: you had accepted the other bride first.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid's Duties
Q What are the responsibilities of a bridesmaid?

A Along with the matron and the maid of honor, the bridesmaids organize a bridemaids' party the same night as the bachelor dinner is held for the bridegroom. They also help to choose and organize the joint gift to the bride from all of her attendants.

The day of the wedding, their duty is to be there for her if she needs anything from a safety pin to an aspirin and to keep her company up until they all walk down the aisle. Most importantly, they make sure she has something to eat before the wedding. They organize her "going-away" outfit and make sure the best man gets all of her luggage into the getaway car, including her passport, other photo identification, wallet, pocketbook, cosmetic bag, filofax, Blackberry and cell phone. After the wedding they see to it that her wedding dress, veil, and other wedding accessories are taken back to her home. The bridal attendants are not only responsible for watching the bride's back, they are mini-hostesses who help out the family and cheerfully great guests and relatives as self-sustaining guests.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids Etiquette: Gifts
Q When do I give my bridesmaids their gifts?

A Traditionally, there might have been a luncheon where the bride would give her bridesmaids gifts and there would be a bridesmaid's cake with charms for the bride buried into the cake. Nowadays, the gifts are more apt to be given the day of the wedding while the bridesmaids are helping the bride "get dressed." Often a makeup person and hairstylist will go to the bride, and the bridesmaids will show up in their dresses to have their makeup and hair styled, too. At that time, while nibbling on tea sandwiches and non-fat yogurt and sipping herbal tea or espresso, the bride will give a small gift to all of her closest friends, her bridesmaids. In the meantime, the bridesmaids will be making sure that the bride has something old, something new, something blue and that her passport and her outfit and luggage for the wedding trip getaway are organized for the best man to deliver to the getaway car. If this is not the plan, do not fret. It is best to wait until the bridesmaids are all assembled to give out the bridesmaids gifts, as in many instances this might be the first and last time that they are all together, so the bride would try to thank them all at once. Often a photographer is on hand towards the end to catch the tears, and a photo of the garter, which the groom is supposed to take off her leg with his teeth on their wedding night.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids Etiquette: Hairstyle + Makeup
Q How much control does a bride have in picking her bridesmaids' hairstyle and makeup?


A The bride and bridesmaids would discuss the makeup and hairstyles at, say, a girlie-girlie bridal shower and come to a compromise. In order to have the makeup and hairstyles coordinated, a lot of brides arrange with a beauty salon for her bridesmaids to come with clean hair to have their hair styled and their makeup applied the day of the wedding. Or the bride hires a makeup artist and hairstylist to attend to them in, say, the maid of honor's hotel room. How much control depends upon the social skills of the bride, or how much she cares. If the bride really cares, then she will provide the service for them.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid's Family Conflict
Q I am in a friend's wedding in September. I am due to have a baby in August. Since I breast-feed, I was planning on bringing my baby to the rehearsal dinner. She told me that I can't, so I told her that I will not be able to attend. Then she told me that I could not attend the bridesmaids' lunch, which is at her mother's house. I am frustrated and want to know if it will be rude to drop out of her wedding..? Please help

A The reality of the situation is that after your baby is born, you might find that you are not really interested in attending these social events. You might be so wrapped up in your baby and exhausted that it might be better if you backed out. The sooner you back out, the better because the bride might need to try to find someone to replace you, which might be awkward if they know you have backed out. So, please have a discussion with the bride. Tell her that if she wouldn't mind, you would like to beg off and let her replace you. If she insists that you attend because it is too late to replace you, then you will have to put on a happy face and be a dutiful bridesmaid. You might be able to pump a couple of bottles of milk for a babysitter to feed to your baby while you are performing your bridal party duties.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid's Financial Responsibilities
Q Help!!! I am in a situation: who pays for the shower when the bride's sisters and mother are planning to invite 95 people (all the females invited to the wedding) to the shower? There are 8 bridesmaids who are being asked to pay $200 apiece just for the shower..... not to mention $200 for the dress, and a gift for the shower, and wedding. I also am paying for my daughter's dress who is a junior bridesmaid and my son's tux, as a junior groomsman. This wedding is going to run me almost $1000!!!!! This is nuts!

A You need to have a conversation with the bride and tell her that you are concerned that there is too much pressure being put on the bridal party financially. Often the wedding couple or their families will have a discretionary fund which would pay, say, for your share of the cost of the shower, or your children's outfits. Why not ask? She should be made aware of the fact that the wedding is a strain on you financially and that you are not even going to be able to buy her a gift when you are through paying for all the expenses for your family to be a part of her wedding. The sooner you discuss this with her, the better. If you can find a buddy to have the talk with her, too, all the better. Don't be afraid to ask about a discretionary fund. Remember that if you are a good enough friend to be asked as a bridesmaid, you are a good enough friend to speak your mind. As for the number of bridesmaids, it does not sound like a cozy intimate bridal shower but the guest list is at the discretion of the bride, so there is not much you can do about that except to be sure that everyone who is invited is also being invited to the wedding. Be brave, set your boundaries. Tell her what you can afford to pay for and what you simply cannot afford to pay for.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid's Luncheon + Bridal Luncheon
Q In 1975, my mother gave my daughter's bridesmaids' luncheon. As I read current wedding etiquette, I am amazed to see that the bride usually gives that luncheon. Am I so out of date? I thought the grandmothers traditionally gave the bridesmaids' luncheon. My granddaughter is to be married in May 2011 and her other grandmother and I wish to give that luncheon. Your advice is needed.
Thanks, Merilyn

A There tends to be some confusion over the luncheons. Nowadays, there are possibly two luncheons: the Bridal Luncheon the day before the wedding given by friends of the bride's mother or a relative of the bride or groom such as a grandmother, aunt, or Godmother. Then there is the Bridesmaids Luncheon, which is just for the bridesmaids and the bride the day of the wedding. Because so many of the bridesmaids come from afar, the bride gathers her bridesmaids around her several hours before the wedding ceremony, and they help one another get ready. The bride gives them a simple lunch of, say, tea sandwiches and iced tea, and--most importantly--provides a hair stylist and a makeup expert to assist her bridesmaids in preparation for the wedding photos--as wedding photos call for professional makeup these days. Often the mothers and grandmothers will show up briefly to have their hair and makeup tweaked, too.

You and your granddaughter's other grandmother can most certainly host the Bridal Luncheon. Nowadays, anyone close to the bride or the bride or groom's mother can give the bridal luncheon. It is lovely of you and your granddaughter's other grandmother to want to host a luncheon and I'm sure the bride will be thrilled.

You'll want to be sure to invite only those friends and family members that the bride invited to the wedding, but you know that. Even so, you wouldn't invite anyone without running the name past the bride first. These days, this luncheon is usually called the Bridal Luncheon, and all the bridesmaids, and perhaps some of their mothers, are invited. It is held the day before the wedding and proceeds by the rehearsal dinner. The bride usually doesn't give the Bridal Luncheon because she is way too busy, so the luncheon is given for her and her bridesmaids. As I said before, the day of the wedding the bride gives a very simple luncheon for her bridesmaids to thank them by hosting lunch at a spa or providing her bridesmaids with tea sandwiches and ice tea while they are having their hair styled and makeup applied for the wedding. It is more of a practical function to ensure that all the bridesmaids have the services they need away from home. Often a makeup artist and hair stylist is hired by the bride or her mother as a treat for the women in the bridal party.

As the bride's grandmothers, you can host a Bridal Luncheon the day before the wedding. Just be sure that the invitation list comes from the bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids' Luncheon Invitation Wording
Q I am the MOB and would like help with the wording for the Bridesmaids' Luncheon invitation. Can you direct me to where I may find some samples?

A I would be happy to give you the wording for your daughter's bridal luncheon. If you return to my Web site, www.newportmanners.com and ask the question again, but this time providing me with the following information, I will detail it out for you: Who is hosting the luncheon? The RSVP for the luncheon? The name of the bride? The place, date, and time? If you have a cut-off date for the RSVP, I will need that date, too. Remember that you do not necessarily have to list the host in the body of the invitation if the hostess's name is under the RSVP. Also, would you clarify the following: Is this a bridal luncheon given in honor of the bride and the bridesmaids, or is it a luncheon being given by the bride for her bridesmaids? Please be assured that I will not post your question and my answer on my Web site.

Didi Lorillard
www.newportmanners.com

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids' Luncheon with Stepmother
Q Is it proper for the stepmother of the bride to host the bridesmaids' luncheon?

A The bridesmaids' luncheon is given for the female relatives and close friends of the bride. It is supposed to be a fun and happy occasion. If the bride wishes to have her stepmother attend, the stepmother should be invited. If the bride is uncomfortable around the stepmother, she should not be included.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids' Luncheon: Hosts
Q My niece will be getting married this summer. Who is the proper person to host the bridesmaid's luncheon? Should it be one of her close friends (member of the bridal party or a family member (her aunt)?

A The bridesmaids' luncheon can be hosted by any of the women close to the bride or a combination. Traditionally, the bride and her mother gave the bridal luncheon to thank the attendants and all the other women relatives and friends who were helping with the wedding. At that time the bride would give out her gifts to her bridesmaids. Then it became fashionable for the Matron of Honor or Maid of Honor, or both together to host the luncheon. Nowadays, an aunt or combination of, say, two aunts and several nieces might host the luncheon. It really depends upon who the women are who are close to the bride. There is no rule carved in stone. It might even be a group of the mother of the bride's friends who have watched the bride grow up. So, yes, the bride's aunt, grandmothers or cousins might very well offer to host the bridesmaid's luncheon.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid's Name on Program When Divorced
Q If you have a bridesmaid who is now divorced and back to her original name before she got married, on the programs you make, should she be Miss, Ms. or Mrs.?

A You might ask the bridesmaid how she would like to be listed in the program and follow her lead. Women nowadays choose the name they want to use when they are no longer married.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids Pay for Shower
Q Should bridesmaids pay for bridal showers?

A It is customary for the women members of the bridal party to shower the bride with gifts just for her. However, if the bridesmaids cannot afford to give the party, often a family friend or relative will offer to pay, if you discuss the event with family members ahead of time. The bridesmaids would still host and organize the party, which could be a simple brunch, lunch or tea. These days it is well understood that young people cannot foot the bill for a shower on top of paying for their dress and present.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids: Are They Necessary
Q Are bridesmaids really needed?

A No, bridesmaids are not really needed. You might have one attendant to help you during the ceremony to hold your wedding bouquet, your engagement ring, and to hand you your husband's wedding band at the right moment. If you are wearing a veil, she would help you remove it after the ceremony. The tradition of bridesmaids originated when families were much larger to give the sisters roles in the wedding, as well as to put them on display for potential suitors.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids: Dresses
Q Who traditionally pays for bridesmaid dresses?

A Traditionally, the bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. However, the bride's family will have a discretionary fund to help bridesmaids who, say, are still in school and cannot afford the cost of airfare, hotel accommodations, the wedding gift, and the bridesmaid's dress. It is the bride's responsibility to make sure that she is not putting undo financial pressure on her bridesmaids and to be sensitive to pitching in financially when needed.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids: Gifts
Q I am part of and attending my girlfriend's wedding in Mexico. Both my husband and I are attending and it is quite costly. I am unsure if I am still supposed to get her a wedding gift even though I am paying almost $3,000 to attend and also holding her shower and planning her stagette. Thanks so much! Amy

A Is your question that you are wondering if you still have to give your friend a wedding present? If you don't give her a present, you need to illustrate why. Perhaps you can take photos from the shower and stagette and arrange them in a nice little album and label the photos with the date and names of the guests. She will then be reminded of all that you have done and also have the memories recorded. If that is not your style, you could do a video. If you remind people gently of what you have done, they will understand that you have done all that you can do and that is the best that any of us can do.

Wedding Etiquette: Bringing Gifts to a Wedding
Q Wedding gifts....are they sent to the bride's home before the wedding? Or are they brought to the reception? What is the proper protocol?

A Nowadays, guests go on the Internet and look up the couple's bridal registry on their wedding Web site or on the wedding channel. After finding a gift that the wedding couple has chosen and that the guest can afford, the store sends the gift to the registered address. The problem with bringing gifts to a wedding is that often cards go astray, or gifts go astray and then the guest does not understand why he didn't receive a thank-you note. He didn't receive a thank- you note because the gift went astray.

Wedding Etiquette: Broken Engagement
Q Broken engagement, who gets the engagement ring?


A Would you please go back to my Web site and ask the question the question again supplying more details and I will be happy to help yo solve your problem.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Wedding Etiquette: Brother of the Bride
Q What title do you give the brother of the bride if he is giving his sister away?

A The brother of the bride is the brother of the bride even if he is giving his siter away.

Wedding Etiquette: Brother-In-Law Blackballed from Bachelor Party
Q Whom should the groom include on the bachelor party list? My youngest daughter is getting married and intends on inviting the one brother-in-law but not the other, stating that he really doesn't know that one.

A Your daughter does not understand the purpose of the bachelor party. In the first place it is not her role to be doing the inviting to the groom's bachelor party. The groom's buddies, brothers, or close male family members, including future brothers-in-law, host the bachelor party and, therefore, they make up the list with the groom. Tell your daughter that one of the points of the bachelor party is for the groom to become better acquainted with future males-in-law. She is missing the purpose of the ritual, if she doesn't allow the two men to socialize. Also, the future brother-in-law is going to wonder why he was not invited; her groom is going to feel bad when he is included at his future brother-in-law's bachelor party, when the time comes, because he hadn't invite the guy to his own. Tell your daughter to look at the big picture. Weddings and especially the festivities around them are about bonding and uniting extending families.

Wedding Etiquette: Budget: Big Guest List + Small Budget
Q The wedding list is long and the budget is short. I suggested a private wedding and reception for close family and friends and then an open house for other friends and distant relatives after. Any suggestions on how to do this without hurting anyone's feelings? Would this be rude?

A It takes a lot of people to fill a church, so why not do what Europeans do: invite everyone to the church and then have a large "cocktail buffet," in other words a cocktail party with a buffet table for the finer food. That way you would not have the cost of a seated dinner of waitstaff, table rentals, flowers, but you can give everyone a little to drink and eat. Sometimes it is better to include everyone and give them less, than incur hard feelings. You can still call it a wedding reception, because it is.

Wedding Etiquette: Buying Your Way In
Q Our daughter's future in-laws insist on paying for part of their son's wedding citing the fact that he is their only child. My husband and I understand that they really want to be a part of the wedding festivities but we are afraid that if we accept money from them it will give them the right to make demands. My daughter and her fiance are having great fun planning every detail of their very traditional wedding and want to do everything their way. The wedding is budgeted for thirty thousand dollars and the future in-laws would probably offer about five thousand. With all the expected stress and pressures of a wedding, this is just another one. If we accept the money, will they expect to be listed on the invitation? Please give us your expert advice. How should we handle this complicated situation?

A It sounds as if your daughter and her fiance are in control of their wedding. If they truly want a traditional wedding, the grooms parents' names would not appear on the invitation. If the future in-laws want to pay for something specific like the cost of the band, the groom could give a toast to his parents thanking them for their good taste in dance music or some such anecdote or the bride and groom could dedicate a song to them. Be sure to have the bill sent directly to the groom's parents so you and your husband do not handle their payments. As you say, it is really up to the bride and groom to make such a suggestion and, if his parents ask to be on the invitation, all they have to do is to cite the etiquette books for advice on traditional wedding invitations for their answer.

The wedding invitation announces that you and your husband are giving your daughter in marriage to their son. So: why in the world would his parents' names be on the invitation? Only if they are giving the rehearsal dinner the night before, the bridesmaids' luncheon, or the brunch the next day would their name appear on an invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Calling Off a Wedding Shower
Q I am sending cards out informing guests that my brother's wedding shower has been cancelled. However the cancellation of the wedding has not been confirmed. We are all assuming it will be; however I was told to definitely cancel the shower. What is the proper wording?

A As you no doubt know, this is a time for face-saving and sensitivity towards both parties. You might send out a small card as soon as possible saying something like this:
Both Caroline Spencer and George Nelson have decided to call off their wedding shower on Saturday, May 1th. Any presents that have already been sent will be returned. Many thanks for your understanding. Sincerely, (signed by the hosts). In conversation with anyone who asks, you might say, "Both equally agreed that the wedding shower should be called off."

Wedding Etiquette: Calling Off the Wedding
Q What is appropiate if a shower and gifts have been given for an engagment but the engagment is since then off?

A This is a delicate situation for the man and woman who were getting married, and their families, and it must be managed with compassion. All gifts need to be boxed up and mailed back to the persons who sent them with a handwritten note thanking them for their wonderful and generous present. If the woman called off the wedding, she would return the engagement ring. If the man called off the wedding, he returns all gifts the woman has given him. Additionally, so that friends and relatives can make other plans for that date, a formal card might be sent to all those who might have attended the wedding, which might say:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
announce the marriage of their daughter
Caroline Amanda
to
Mr. William Shakespeare
by mutual agreement
will not take place.

Remember, for reasons of face-saving, it is important to say that "They decided it was the right thing to do." Or, "Both of them agreed that it was the best thing to do." This is a time for compassion and not gossip.

Wedding Etiquette: Calling Off the Wedding
Q I would like to know the proper way to announce the cancellation of an engagement. Save the Date notices have been sent out - and an Engagement Party with gifts has occurred.

A Whatever is said or written, the word that goes out is that---no matter who called it off---"By mutual consent Jane Doe and Charles Brown are not getting married," or "Both have decided it is the right thing to do," or "Jane and Charles have agreed that the wedding should be called off." Often a formal printed announcement card is sent out to all those who received a Save the Date notice; which might also be enclosed with the engagement gift when it is sent back to the guest, but perhaps with a handwritten sentence, such as, "Thank you very much for your beautiful, generous present." Insert your own information and center these lines on the card:

Mr. and Mrs. John Whitman Doe
announce the marriage of their daughter
Jane Amanda
to
Mr. Charles William Brown
by mutual agreement
will not take place.

Wedding Etiquette: Calling Off the Wedding
Q Do I return the gifts, both wedding and shower?

A Yes, I am terribly sorry to tell you that all shower and wedding presents need to be boxed up and returned to the sender (guest). Customarily, a printed card accompanies the gift, which can also be sent to those who received Save the Date cards. The card is printed up and a personal sentence is written inside and the card is signed. The sentence might read: Thank you for the lovely present. The printed card would read (center and insert your own information):

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Randolph Dickens
announce the marriage of their daughter
Mary Elizabeth
to
Mr. William Stuart Shakespeare
by mutual agreement
will not take place.

Wedding Etiquette: Calling Off the Wedding + Paying for the Apparel
Q Do I offer to pay for my attendants apparel when I cancel my wedding?

A Yes, I am so sorry but you might want to offer to pay for your attendants' apparel in order to sustain the relationship with the friend. Then when you ask them to attend you again, they will accept in a heart beat.

Wedding Etiquette: Calling Off the Wedding Shower
Q My wording is as follows:
The shower in honor of
name and name
scheduled for, saturday, march 4, 2006
Will not take place
We apologize for any inconvenience
Thank you
name
Should I start it with.........We regret to inform you, that the shower............ instead of the way I have it.
Didi, thank you for your help.

A This is very sensitive time for both parties and no one needs to be humiliated. It is proper etiquette to say that by "mutual consent" or "mutual agreement".... So: your card might be worded this way:

The Wedding Shower
on Saturday, March 4th, 2006
for Caroline Spencer and George Nelson
by mutual agreement
will not take place

Wedding Etiquette: Calling the Whole Thing Off
Q How do I tell others that my fiance and I decided to put off the wedding due to personal issues?

A In dicey situations such as this, it is best for all concerned that you and your fiance use phrases that suggest mutual agreement. "John and I have decided that as much as we love each other, we are not going to get married." Or, "John and I have agreed that we are not meant to be married." Or, "By mutual agreement, John and I are calling the whole thing off. Sadly, we're not getting married."

Wedding Etiquette: Can Bridal Shower Invites Be Mailed Before Wedding Invites
Q Can bridal shower invitations be sent out before the wedding invitations?

A Wedding invitations are customarily sent out six to eight weeks before the wedding. Whether the bridal shower is a girls-only lunch (with invitations mailed two to three weeks ahead of time), or a coed cocktail party, (three to four weeks prior), you might want to send shower invitations after the wedding invitations have been received. Allow five days for delivery. So: if you are using this formula, you would not send the shower invitations out before the wedding invitations are received. When a save-the-date card has been sent well ahead of this time, it might be all right to send the shower invitations earlier if the date of the bridal shower is far out, but you must check with the bride to make sure everyone on your bridal shower guest list is also on the wedding invitation list. Sadly, I get lots of letters from people who think it rude that they are invited to the shower but not the wedding; no one on your bridal shower list should be disappointed they weren't invited to the wedding, because they probably will regret the shower if not invited to the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Can Guest Invite a Guest?
Q Bringing a guest to a wedding?

A If your invitation was addressed to you and "Guest," you are being invited to bring a guest. If your invitation does not include such a notation, you are not to bring a guest.

Wedding Etiquette: Can Mother Of Groom Host Bridal Shower
Q Is it appropriate for the mother of the groom to be listed (on the invitation) as co-host of a bridal shower? Her home is being used as the site for a surprise kitchen shower given by the matron of honor (who lives in a small apartment), and we want to do this properly...

A Traditionally, it is inappropriate for a family member to host a party soliciting gifts for the bride; however, technically since it is for a shower before the wedding your mother-in-law is not yet your mother-in-law. So: since your mother-in-law is being so incredibly generous, why not list her on the invitation but the RSVP might be to the matron of honor.

Wedding Etiquette: Can Stepmom Host Bridal Lunch?
Q Is it proper for the stepmother of the bride to host the bridesmaids' luncheon?

A The mother of the bride and the stepmother of the bride do not give the bridal luncheon; they can, however, pay for the luncheon but their names would not go on the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Can the Groom See the Dress
Q Is it proper for the groom to see the bride's dress before the wedding or can he see it but not on her?

A Mystery in romance has always been a good thing. If the guy needs to see the dress, maybe it will not be a good marriage.

Wedding Etiquette: Canceling: Calling It Off, Who Gets the Ring
Q If you break off an engagement to be married, does the woman return the ring?

A If the woman breaks the engagement, she returns the ring. If the man breaks the wedding engagement, the woman keeps the ring.

Wedding Etiquette: Cancellation Expense
Q If I cancel my wedding within one month of the event, should I reimburse the bridal party and/or guests for any expenses they have incurred?

A It would be most kind of you to reimburse the bridal party for any expenses they incurred to participate in your wedding. If you can afford to reimburse guests for their expenses and want to, I am sure they will be incredibly grateful to you for your thoughtfulness. Put yourself in their shoes and decide.

Wedding Etiquette: Capitalizing "Guest"
Q On inside envelopes of wedding invitations, should the word "guest" be capitalized since the guest is a person?

A You are correct, the word "Guest" would have a capital G.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash as the Bridal Shower Theme
Q When the honeymoon theme for bridal shower strongly suggests money gifts -during shower a)are envelopes opened b)are non-money gifts opened or no gifts opened?

A I am sorry but I am not a big fan of using weddings and showers to solicit money. I suppose if you must ask for cash, then do; however, you certainly would not open the envelope and tell everyone how much the person gave anymore than you would unwrap a present to find a price tag and read the cost out loud to the guests.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash Bar
Q My son is getting married in April and their budget is TIGHT so reception will have cash bar....I am hearing complaints from people on this, how do I handle this? Also I was told I should tell guests before reception so they know to bring enough money - should I? Reception is at noon and I do not see that alcohol should be so important. But what can I say to people who complain so I sound NICE?

A It would be perfectly correct to have the groom's family pay the bar expense. As you said, the reception is at noon and you do not see that alcohol should be so important. You are correct in assuming that if it is a cash bar, you and the bride's family and friends need to spread the word.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash Bar at Rehearsal Dinner
Q My fiance's parents are unable to pay for our rehearsal dinner, and so we are paying for the event ourselves. We've decided to host a casual event for everyone who might be in town early, because we'd like to have an additional chance to see our out of town guests before the big day. We've decided to host the event at the coffee shop where we had our first date and where my fiance proposed. They do serve alcohol there, but including an open bar will break our budget. I think that our friends and family will want to drink. Is it tacky to have a cash bar, if we provide food and a very special venue?

A No, it is not tacky to have a "cash bar"; however, you need to make that fact known so that by word of mouth and by putting "cash bar" on the invitation, guests can have a budget for that expense.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash for Wedding Gift
Q I am getting married and we do not want to register for gifts. We are adults with most of the things we need. We do however want to put a deck on our house. How do we ask for money for that project?

A Along with your wedding invitation include a separate card, that matches your wedding invitation, which might say, "In lieu of a present, a small check to be put towards building a deck on our house would be greatly appreciated."

Wedding Etiquette: Cash Gift
Q A couple with two of everything is getting married. Is there of way of saying "cash gift appreciated" or something on invitations?

A You might not want to say "cash gifts appreciated" on the invitation because you don't want to solicit for presents on your invitation. You might, however, enclose, a matching card that is basically your "At Home" card with your address on it. Then either write by hand or have printed: in lieu of a bridal registry, we would greatly appreciate a small check.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash Gift Etiquette
Q I did not register anywhere and would like monetary gifts for my wedding. How will I word this to be included on or attached to the invitation properly?

A You would not want to solicit for gifts on your invitation. Along with your wedding invitation you can include an "At Home" card with the exact name that the check would be made out to, for instance, Janet and Henry Wilson, and on the next line your address. Some wedding couples include their telephone number and/or wedding website address. Underneath, you can add a line such as this: In lieu of a gift, a small check would be greatly appreciated.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash Instead of Present
Q Wedding invitations - how do you request gifts in the form of money?


A On a separate "At Home" card that matches the invitation in color and style and is enclosed with the invitation, you would have your name, address, and this sentence: In lieu of a bridal registry, a small check would be greatly appreciated; or you could say: Instead of a present, a small check would be greatly appreciated.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash Only Gifts
Q For our wedding I would like to ask that the guests not bring gifts but cards and monetary gifts will gladly be accepted. How do I word this on an insert card for the invitation so it doesn't sound greedy or rude?

A You might use words such as these: To save you from having to shop, checks would be greatly appreciated.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash Only Gifts
Q My daughter is from Kansas City, MO and is getting married in Wisconsin. How can I put in the wedding invitations that they would rather have money, do to the fact that they have to drive back to Mo and cannot fit a lot in the car.They pretty much have what they need already anyway.

A You might include a small white card that matches the wedding invitation which would say, "In lieu of a present, a small check would be greatly appreciated."

Wedding Etiquette: Cash to Engagement Party?
Q Do you take a gift or money to an engagement party? If so what is appropriate? Thanks

A In many cultures it is acceptable to give gifts of money at an engagement party; however, nowadays it is customary to look up the couple's wedding registry on-line and order a gift to be send to them at the address they have registered it to be sent. The amount of the cash gift or the cost of the present would depend upon what you can afford. Fifty dollars is a respectable amount to spend on a couple's engagement.

Wedding Etiquette: Casual in Las Vegas
Q If we are having a casual wedding in Las Vegas and an informal dinner afterwards, are we supposed to pay for the dinner? Also, if I am not having a wedding party, do we still give out gifts?

A If your wedding guests are going to great expense to fly to Las Vegas and stay in a hotel, you need to give them dinner but you do not need to give them gifts since there is no wedding party. If you cannot afford to give them dinner, you need to make it clear to them that the informal dinner afterwards is Dutch Treat (and everyone pays for their own food and drink), otherwise they might not budget the expense of their share of the dinner into their trip to Las Vegas.

Wedding Etiquette: Celebrating After the Fact
Q So is it ok for the Auntie to give the couple a bridal shower? Or is there some "rule" about a close relative not giving one? This is not really a bridal shower, but rather a reception after the marriage four months ago. What do we call it?

A Traditionally, family does not solicit gifts for family. But having a cocktail party or cocktail buffet after the wedding trip is very proper, and right now quite trendy and chic. You can call it a cocktail buffet in honor of Mr.and Mrs. George Nelson, or Amanda and George Nelson. Or, if the bride is keeping her name, in honor of Amanda James and George Nelson. At any rate, you would ask them how they wish to be called on the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Ceremony Guests Not Invited to Reception
Q Is it OK to invite only some people from the wedding to the reception? How do you handle that?

A Let's put it this way, it is all right to have a small, private ceremony and a larger reception. The problem with inviting people just to fill up the empty pews in the church and not inviting them to the reception is that people at the ceremony always chitchat, and a reception guest will say, "We'll see you at the reception." Then the guest who has not been invited to the reception is embarrassed into saying, "We were not invited to the reception." You need to put yourself in the shoes of the people who were not invited to the reception. Also, some of the younger people who were only invited to the church might assume that they are automatically invited to the reception and go anyway, and, if your reception is seated, it will become a nightmare. You can do what is traditionally done still in England and have a short reception in the parish hall of the church with trays of drinks and tea sandwiches after the receiving line. Then you can still have your smaller dinner after that.

Wedding Etiquette: Ceremony Program
Q If the wedding invitations have been printed and do not mention the groom's parents, how can it be noted who the parents of the groom are, if the mother has a different name from the groom? Some people may not recognize the groom's name when it is different from the mother's. Is it possible to slip a printed business-type card in the invitation noting that the groom is the son of - and use the mother's new name and the father's name? Any other ideas so friends of the mother will recognize who the groom is?

A The ceremony program is where you would list who's who. For instance, Mother of the Groom, Mrs. Charles Stuart Dickens, Father of the Groom, Mr. William Henry Shakespeare.

Wedding Etiquette: Ceremony Seating Plan: Bride's Mother's Escort
Q If the bride's parents are divorced and her mother has a date or escort for the wedding, should this date or escort sit in the row with the mother during the ceremony or with the general guest population?

A It would depend upon the relationship the mother of the bride has with the bride's father and with her escort. If she is in a committed relationship or a relationship with a bit of history and they are established as a couple, even if they do not live together, then he might sit to the left of the bride's mother in her pew. Otherwise that seat would be taken by a son or a brother. Most brides of divorced parents, no matter which has remarried, want to look over at their parents' pew to see their parents sitting together. Even if they are no longer married, they are still her birth parents. If tensions are really bad, of course, this would not work. For the sake of the bride, the bride's parents need to act as her parents throughout the whole wedding. In this case, at the reception the bride's father would ask the bride's mother to dance before he dances with his new wife or date, but after he's danced with his daughter and before she dances with her escort or date. So: even if the birth father sits to the right of the mother in her pew, the escort or date might be seated to her left. It is the choice of the mother of the bride as to who shares her pew.

Wedding Etiquette: Ceremony: Divorced Parents of the Groom
Q When the mother and father of the groom are divorced but still good friends, do they walk down the aisle together or with their current spouse?

A Sorry, I am not sure if you are asking about to their pew or from their pew, so this might be more information than you need. Whether the groom's parents are divorced or not, an usher escorts the groom's mother up the aisle to the front right pew. Her husband, ex-husband, new husband, or partner follows with her family, who occupy the front right pews. The father of the groom's new family or partner would already be seated in the pews behind the groom's mother's pews. After the ceremony, the bride and groom's families follow the wedding couple back down the aisle in pairs. Who sits in the mother of the groom's pew and who walks her back down the aisle in the recessional is at the discretion of the mother of the groom. She can invite her ex-husband and his wife or partner to join her in her pew, or they can sit in the pew behind hers. Often if, say, the mother has not remarried, the father of the groom will sit in the mother of the groom's pew and the new partners will either sit with them or in one of the pews behind, depending upon how many other family members are seated in the pew; the overflow spreads to the pews behind the mother of the groom's pew. Nothing is more supportive to the children of divorce than to have their parents in the first pew; looking over and seeing them sitting together at their wedding is always a positive feeling. So, in answer to your question: no, the mother and father of the groom do not walk in the processional side by side, because all the women are escorted by ushers up the aisle. No matter the circumstance, the father of the groom would walk behind the mother of the groom. The father of the groom's new partner would have already been seated earlier by an usher. Even if they are divorced, the father of the groom often escorts the mother of the groom in the recessional back down the aisle after the ceremony, whether or not he was seated with her in her pew.

Wedding Etiquette: Ceremony: Seating
Q What is the seating arrangement for stepparents in a wedding?

A Traditionally, when blended families get along nicely the birth father sits in the mother of the bride's pew after he has escorted their daughter to the alter. Spiritually it is healthy for the bride to look over and see her birth parents seated side by side at this special time, if only briefly. The stepfather would be seated to the left of the birth mother, the birth father to the right of the mother. The bride's stepmother would have her own pew just after the bride's mother's immediate family pew(s). In a perfect world the groom's stepparents would sit in the groom's mother's pew with the groom's parents. If this isn't happening, because there should be no tension at a wedding, then the groom's stepmother would have the pew after the mother of the groom's immediate family's pew(s) for she and, say, her children by a previous marriage or her parents.

Wedding Etiquette: Ceremony: Seating: Stepmoms
Q What is the protocol for a wedding with a blended family for who walks down the aisle? I know the mother of the bride and groom's mother, but what about stepmoms, and where does everyone sit?

A The bride's birth mother has the pew closest to the altar on the left side of the church and the groom's birth mother has the first pew on the right side facing the altar. Who sits in the mothers' pews is at the discretion of the birth mother. Her new family might spill over into the pew behind hers, giving her a total of two, possibly three, pews. The father of the bride then has the next available pew after her pew(s). The father of the groom then has the next available pew after the mother of the groom's pew(s) for their families. The stepmother is seated before the mother of the groom. When you ask about everyone else, I need to know who everyone is? The father's new family and the stepmother's family from a prior marriage would sit with her in the pews behind her filling up as many pews are needed.

Wedding Etiquette: Children at Rehearsal Dinner
Q Are children invited to the rehearsal dinner?

A I am not a big fan of inviting children to grown-up parties. When children are put in a structured social event where the focus is on promoting interaction between grown-ups, they often become over stimulated and then we admonish them for being disruptive. If there are children coming from out of town for the wedding and there are close family relatives who are children, set an age of fourteen and older, or some such appropriate age suitable to the occasion, and stick to it. The purpose of the rehearsal dinner is to introduce the bride's family and the groom's family to each others' close family and friends with the focus on the bride and groom being the objective. The problem is that if you tell one parent he can bring his four-year-old, then it is very difficult to tell others their children cannot attend. Say that you will not be providing activities or child care for children under a certain age and hold fast to your boundary.

Wedding Etiquette: Children at the Reception
Q If it is an adult reception, how do you handle children who are in the wedding?

A Since I do not know the ages of the children or how many there will be, the time of the reception, or the level of formality of the wedding, I am unable to give you the perfect solution. Customarily, for the reception you would hire a babysitter, or babysitters, to care for the children in either a private home or a hotel room, where the children would have their own age appropriate party with pizza and ice cream and a movie. If the children can sit through a meal without leaving the table, meaning they are ten or older, you might organize a "children's" table at the reception so that they can get to know family members better and perhaps even do a little dancing. In the second scenario, you might have a responsible older teenager hired to be at the table to "watch" them.

Wedding Etiquette: Children Disinvited to Wedding
Q My family of 4 (children ages 13(girl) and a son(16)) were invited to a wedding where all of my children's friends are also invited. Now 5 days before the event, the husband-to- be calls and says their money is too tight so can we leave our children at home? (they are very prepared to be at this wedding, to the point my daughter has a hair appointment, and my son has taken off from his new job just to be there and feels special because others his age are also coming, and their invitations have not been rescinded.) The invitation came Dec. 30th. I immediately responded on Jan. 2, and now 5 days later we get this call. I personally find it to be in horrible taste and wonder if I should take my children to the wedding itself and then take them out for a lovely dinner? The only problem is they already know all their other friends will be at the reception; however, we have not told them of the phone call as of yet hoping the young couple will come to their senses and realize that the timing and the idea itself is RUDE1

A What a botched job. Unfortunately, if couples don't look at the big picture ahead of time, there are unhappy consequences. Do you know if the other children have been disinvited? You cannot assume that your children are the only children disinvited. You are totally correct, the behavior is rude; however, there are fire code laws and if more people accepted than the couple had anticipated, the couple may be under pressure from the management of the reception to stick to the numbers. The reception hall might lose their license and/or be heavily fined if the occupation limit is exceeded. The couple were naive in inviting more people than the facility can handle and so logically they are asking people not to bring children. Proper etiquette is based on consideration, compassion and compromise so let's cut the naive bride and groom a bit of slack here, ask permission to take your children to the wedding and then take them out to dinner afterwards. You need not go into the whole hairdresser's appointment with the couple because appointments can always be broken. Use this as a learning experience by teaching children about the consequences of not planning and looking at the big picture. Do not take this slight personally because it has nothing to do with your children.

Wedding Etiquette: Children Guests at Weddings
Q We are having a large reception and the country club we are having it at only holds 300 people but the tent that is attached holds 500. We are having a sit-down dinner and thought about having NO children at all but it is too difficult to leave them out as some of the groom's first cousins are children but the bride's first cousins are married with children. Either way there are going to be children there. Because there are more adults coming than children, we are having the sit-down dinner for adults in the tent and the buffet for the children in the club house. To remedy this dilemma, we thought we could invite all of the bride's cousins' young children by having the kids eat dinner in the club house and have a couple of older girls supervise them. How can we word the reply card so that parents of children will understand that they can bring their children but there will be separate seating? In addition, if their young children are not old enough to sit in that area away from their moms, ex: 1 - 4-year-olds, how can we handle that? Do we not invite the younger than 4- year-olds at all? It's a very difficult situation we are in. We don't plan on inviting children of other guests at all; it is just the immediate family and their kids but the numbers are still around 85 children. Shall we have 2 different reply cards made up? Insert the one that includes children in the invitations for those family members who have children and insert a reply card for those whose children we aren't inviting worded " number of adults attending ??Please advise. Thank you

A It sounds as if you are hosting a "formal" wedding, which might mean you are using a second envelope inside the outside envelope in which to enclose the invitation. If you are using an inside envelope, under the parents' names (Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton) on the envelope you might write the first names (John, Amanda, and Alice) of the children you are inviting. That allows you to leave out the names of the children who are too young or too immature to handle the stimulation. At the shower and through word of mouth, get the word out that because the wedding is so large you are not inviting children under the age of four, and if they attend, they will be seated in the clubhouse with babysitters and not in the tent where the grownups will be seated by place card. You might also spread the word that you can only accommodate the children of close family. Your plan to send out two different response cards is brilliant. You did not tell me if you are using place cards; if you are, if the place card is just for the table or for the seat, too. If everyone has an assigned seat, then you need to make that clear on the response card. You might find that some parents will opt not to bring young children that are unruly because they want to enjoy themselves at the wedding; you might find that people will bring children you have not invited. Setting, establishing and being consistent about boundaries is important for everyone. You will need to get an accurate count because you will need to have enough older girls to handle the younger children, perhaps one older girl for two little ones, as they tend to run around and when they hear the music, they will want to dance. You might want to ask some of the parents to bring their own babysitter to the reception. Yes, have two different reply cards, one for Adults Only, the other for Families with Children Four and Up.

Wedding Etiquette: Children of the Bridal Party at the Reception
Q We have children in the bridal party and are having an adult only reception. We want these children at the reception. Is this OK?

A Yes, it is fine to have children at the reception but if they are young, you would want to have one person in charge of every two children. When small children attend large grown-up parties, they tend to get overstimulated from the music and cake and they end up either hogging the dance floor or howling.

Wedding Etiquette: Children's Names on Envelope
Q 1) Do I send invitations to the clergymen, photographer, etc.? 2) I'm using a single envelope invitation. How do I address families? Do I write: Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Family or do I need to write children's names out?

A 1) As a formality it is customary to send an invitation to the clergyman and his wife, the priest or whomever is officiating.
2) It is not necessary to send one to the photographer because you will be in contact with his office during the the planning of the wedding.
3) On the outside envelope you would write Mr. and Mrs. John Doe; however, on the inside envelope that has not been sealed, you write Mr. and Mrs. Doe and then underneath you write the first names of the children: Alice, Simon, and Winston. Yes, you do need to write out the names of the children; however, if any of the children are eighteen or older they should be sent their own invitation. If there is no second envelope inside, you can write the children's names under the parents' on the outside envelope. It is important to know exactly how many people are attending, so that when Mrs. Doe sends in her RSVP, she can tell you that she is accepting for just Alice and Simon (because Winston is staying home with the sitter).

Wedding Etiquette: China or Paper Plates
Q I will be getting married in a year and half. I am currently just pricing caterers, but should all the guests eat on china or just the wedding party?

A My dear, you simply cannot have some of your guests eating off paper plates while you and your groom dine on china.

Wedding Etiquette: Choosing One Bridesmaid
Q Who should I ask to be my bridesmaid?

A You typed "bridesmaid" so I assume you are having one bridesmaid. She might be your very best friend in the whole world, and if that person is also your sister, fabulous. If you are close to your sister, ask her. If your cousin or mother is your best friend, ask her; whomever you are closest to.

Wedding Etiquette: Choosing Where to Host the Rehearsal Dinner
Q If the groom's parents are responsible for the rehearsal dinner, do they pick the place or do the bride and groom?

A The bride and groom should sit down with the groom's parents and talk about how many people are in the wedding party, how many are coming from out of town, and how many they ideally think they need to invite to the rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal dinner is given primarily to feed guests from out of town and family members the night before the wedding, as well as the wedding party. However, if the groom's parents want to host a more inclusive party, it is their prerogative.

Once the number of invitees has been decided upon then the bride and groom can offer suggested locations to the groom's parents and the groom's parents can make suggestions, too. If the bride and groom are especially attached to a hotel, restaurant or club, they could suggest to the groom's parents that they meet there for a meal to make their decision. You may try several locations before you all agree where to hold the rehearsal dinner and how expensive the dinner per person will be. The party will work best if all four of you are a part of the process.

Wedding Etiquette: Choosing Your Best Brother
Q When you have two brothers, how do you choose which to be your best man? Can you have both? Help

A The best man is chosen carefully and he should be a bachelor but not necessarily so. He serves a vital role so choosing someone who is reliable and who has good organizational skills is hugely important. He will need to be in the loop with the wedding plans as they progress.

The best man is in charge of the ushers at the church and is in charge of seating the guests. The best man confers with the toastmaster about the timing of the speeches, the cake-cutting and the departure of the bride and groom. If there is no toastmaster, he is responsible for lining up the toasts and speeches. He is also in charge of the bridegroom's bachelor party. The day of the wedding ceremony, he makes sure all the groom's clothes are in sight and that the wedding ring is in his possession. He might be responsible for paying the clergy and having the bride and groom's travelling clothes, luggage, tickets and transportation ready for their departure. He makes sure the groom eats before the wedding and keeps an eye him throughout.

In other words, the best man is chosen to watch the groom's back, to get him to the church on time. If one of your brothers is more responsible and better organized than the other, go with the one you can count on at this important time in your life. If you still can't decide, ask the clergy if you can have both and divide the duties. Whatever you do, don't leave the brother you don't choose out of the picture. Give him important tasks, too. If you still can't choose, flip a coin in front of them and make it their call.

Wedding Etiquette: Church Etiquette
Q Is it appropiate to get married in a church when you are not a member of that church?

A Most churches encourage marriage and, therefore, if you are not a member, they will invite you to have your marriage in the church for a fee. Aside from the fee, you will have to go through the normal counseling that the parishioners are required to have before they are married. Usually the wedding couple will meet with the rector who will give them a worksheet which they return to the rector at the follow-up visit. The number of visits depends upon the rules of that particular church.

Wedding Etiquette: Civil and Church Ceremonies Wedding Couple
Q My fiance and I have selected a wedding date in September and have made much of the plans (including bridal party, dress, reception site and invitations). He recently lost his job and health insurance and we would like to marry in a civil ceremony as soon as possible so that he can sign on to my health insurance. Attending the civil ceremony would be only our parents and siblings. Would we still be able to move forward with the plans we have made for September (church wedding and reception) and change the wedding to a blessing or vow renewal?

A This is a question that you might also want to ask your clergyman. There is no reason in my book why you cannot get married in a church and have a nice reception following a civil ceremony. However, you need to check with your clergyman about this, too, because if your father, for instance, "gives you away" in the civil ceremony, he cannot "give you away" a second time in the church because he has already given you away. However, if the civil ceremony does not include "who gives this woman in matrimony," or words to that effect, and your father does not give you away at the ceremony, he can, of course, still walk you down the aisle of your church and give you away. Civil ceremonies differ from state to state and often from town to town, so you will have to ask the officiate about this. Churches differ on this issue from denomination to denomination, so you will have to ask your own clergyman and abide by what he says. I don't see any reason why you cannot be married in a civil ceremony now and later in a church ceremony because it is done in Europe all the time. In Europe you usually have to have both, so I cannot imagine that you cannot do this, but your officiates are your final word.

Wedding Etiquette: Civil Ceremony
Q In a civil ceremony in front of a justice of the peace, how does the ceremony begin??? Does the bride walk down an "aisle"??? What should I wear?

A Would you please go back to my Web site and ask the question again giving me more details. For instance, is the ceremony at home, in a hotel, in a justice of the peace office? I would be happy to help solve your problems, but I need to know the specifics.

www.newportmanners.com

Many thanks, Didi

Wedding Etiquette: Civil Ceremony + Church Wedding Present(s)
Q A friend had a civil wedding in Nov 2005. They had a grand reception. I did not attend but I sent a gift. In May 2006, they are planning a church wedding and a reception--last I heard it may be held like backyard barbeque. This time, I will attend. Should I give a wedding gift again? If so, any suggestions?

A If you are a close friend of the wedding couple, you might be invited to all sorts of wedding events, including showers and receptions, but no matter how many of these events you are invited to, you are only required to send two gifts total---no matter how many you attend. Since I do not know the strength or length of your relationship or your socioeconomic background, I cannot recommend that you send a second present. It sounds as if you have done your share by sending the one gift. Perhaps if you look up the wedding couple's bridal registry through the wedding channel on the Internet, you might find a present that they have chosen and you can afford to have sent to their registered address. On the other hand, if you only attend one reception, you need only send one nice gift.

Wedding Etiquette: Clergyman's Fee
Q How much money should you give the priest that marries you?

A It would depend upon the church. Why not telephone the liaison at the church who tends to the church schedule, specifically the person who is your contact for your wedding, and ask her what the "current" fee is. Rural and urban churches have different sized budgets and expenses, for instance such a service at a big city church would be higher than at a small country chapel. Then you might add on a bit if the clergyman gave private time to the couple before the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Colored Gift Wrap
Q Are bright colors appropriate for the gift wrap for wedding presents?

A Yes, the more original and creative the gift wrap, the more thought put into the gift.

Wedding Etiquette: Combined Wedding + Baby Shower
Q Can you have a wedding and baby shower at the same time?

A Yes, you can have a combined wedding and baby shower: however, you might want to make it clear to the guests that they need only bring one gift. So: pick your theme and be consistent. Also, you need to remember that only guests invited to the wedding are invited to the shower. I get lots of complaints from shower guests saying, "Why should I go to the shower, if I have not been invited to the wedding?" So: you need to check the shower guest list against the wedding guest list and not invite anyone that is not on the wedding guest list to the shower.

Wedding Etiquette: Congratulating the Wedding Couple's Engagement
Q Is it appropriate to congratulate a bride-to-be upon her engagement?

A It is appropriate to congratulate a bride, and a groom, on their engagement but not together. For instance, you would send separate cards of congratulations. You congratulate them individually until their wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Contacting Guests Who Don't RSVP
Q Is it appropriate to contact invited guests that do not resopnd to wedding invitations with a RSVP card included?

A Yes, it is entirely appropriate. Telephone or email the tardy would-be guests saying you need an accurate count for the caterer and hope they are planning on attending. If you just get a voice mail, ask them to send in their RSVP card or telephone you within twenty-four hours. Leave the date, time of your message, and your phone number because not all voicemail provide such information.

Wedding Etiquette: Cost of Bridal Party Clothing
Q What would the proper etiquette be concerning the bride and groom paying for the rental of the bridesmaid's gowns and the best men's tuxedos?

A Customarily, the bridesmaids, best man, ushers, and groomsmen pay for the rental or cost of their own clothes; however, the dress code, meaning the style of their dress or tuxedo, is chosen by the wedding couple. Often a bridesmaid or best man is still in school or unemployed and cannot afford the cost of the dress or tuxedo so: the wedding couple might cover that cost out of a small discretionary fund set up specifically to cover such expenses as rentals, airfare, and hotel accommodations to make it possible for all members of their bridal party to participate in the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Cost of Bridal Shower Gift
Q How much should I spend on a bridal shower gift?


A I do not know how much you can afford to pay, nor do I know how much the bride's needs. Brides understand that the more gifts that are expected of the wedding guests at pre-wedding events, the more watered down the gifts become. Since I do not know how much you can afford, I can only suggest a range of $25 to $100. No matter how many pre-wedding events you attend, you are only required to give two gifts total: an engagement or shower gift and a wedding gift. So: if you have budgeted spending a total of $150 on the wedding couple, you might spend $50 for a shower gift and $100 for a wedding present.

Wedding Etiquette: Cost of Dress When Matron of Honor Is Fired
Q Does a matron of honor get reimbursed for her dress if she is fired by the bride?

A It might depend upon why the matron of honor was fired. If the matron of honor asked to be excused, then she would be responsible for the cost of her dress. If the bride had good cause to ask the matron of honor to step down from the job, then the bride and matron of honor need to discuss sharing the cost of the dress, if the dress cannot be recycled to the new matron of honor.

Wedding Etiquette: Cost of Presents
Q How much are you supposed to spend on a wedding present? If it is a really nice wedding. do you have to spend more? If you're a couple, do you spend more? My friends and I are always debating how much we need to spend for shower, engagement and wedding presents.

A In Newport, the formula is fairly easy. You can usually determine the extravagance of a party by the invitation. Determine how much is being spent per guest: $25 for a shower, fifty for a cocktail buffet engagement party and a hundred for a six o'clock wedding and that's what one should spend on the present. The rehearsal dinner is really a thank-you dinner to the bridal party and does not require a gift, but a thank-you note to the groom's parents is always appreciated. In a situation where there are three parties, engagement, shower, and wedding, you can send one expensive present from their gift registry or three small gifts, also from their registry. If they have been kind enough to allow you to bring a date, the date does not have to send a present, but you should acknowledge their kindness in your thank-you note to the parents. If you cannot afford this formula, do not worry because it is not a big deal; you won't be the only one. A small present from the couple's registry and a heartfelt thank-you note to the parents is all that is required. The wedding families understand the expense a guest incurs in attending, especially if they come from out-of-town. It is better to send a brief thank-you note than no thank-you note, but don't agonize over them. If the wedding gifts are from a married couple and you can afford it, double the cost for the present. In a case where four members of your family are attending the wedding, you can split that cost in half.

Wedding Etiquette: Cost of Wedding Gift
Q My husband says a wedding gift should be equivalent to the cost of our seats at the reception. Is this true or what is the rule for wedding "gifts"?

A Your husband is correct; however, people are sophisticated enough to know that some people are richer than others and the gift will reflect such. It goes without saying, if an engagement present and a shower present were purchased for the bride and groom, they would not expect an expensive wedding gift.

Wedding Etiquette: Couple Wants Cash Instead of Presents
Q My name is Matthew, I am 24, and really need some etiquette advice immediately. My fiancee, Amanda who is 21, and I are getting married this year, for both of us it's our first and God willing our only time. We are going to Hawaii for our honeymoon right after the reception. We have both been on a very tight budget to be able to afford both the wedding and the honeymoon expecially since neither set of parents volunteered to help us with any of the costs. We are currently putting together our ivitations to be sent out and this includes the little cards that state where we have a gift registry at, which happens to be only at one place. We would also like to be able to put a comment on the registry cards to let everyone know that we are going to Hawaii and that any donation towards that trip would be greatly appreciated. But at the same time we don't want to make it seem like we are requiring gifts. Is there any way we could word such a statement and not offend anyone? The last thing we want to do is make anyone feel like they have to bring a gift, even though we would GREATLY appreciate a cash "donation" not only on the trip but for the future, too. I have already looked through your website's FAQ and did not see anything that could help me with this. Please help. Thank you.

A You have two options. On the little card that you say you are enclosing, you might say instead "In lieu of presents, money towards our honeymoon and future would be greatly appreciated." Or, you can say that and also list the registry.

Wedding Etiquette: Co-worker Is Only One Not Invited
Q MY DAUGHTER AND I WORK IN THE SAME OFFICE AND SHE IS GETTING MARRIED THIS SPRING. THERE IS ONE LADY IN THE OFFICE SHE DOESN'T WANT TO INVITE TO HER WEDDING OR SHOWER. THEY ARE FRIENDLY BUT THE CO-WORKER PRACTICES A DIFFERENT RELIGION THAT MAKES MY DAUGHTER UNCOMFORTABLE. I TOLD HER SHE CAN'T NOT INVITE THIS CO-WORKER SINCE SHE IS INVITING EVERYONE ELSE AND SHE DISAGREES. I DON'T WANT HER TO REGRET THIS LATER.

A This is your daughter's wedding and she should be able to invite whomever she wishes. She should not be guilt tripped into inviting someone who makes her uncomfortable. However, she might feel even more uncomfortable when she has to look the co-worker in the eye day after day everyday knowing that the co-worker knows she is the only one in the office who was not invited to the wedding. If the co-worker covers for her while she is on her honeymoon, your daughter will regret even more not inviting her. Sometimes the chemistry between two people is as bad as trying to mix oil and water. As much as I hate to see your daughter back herself into a corner, it sounds as if she has made her decision and is going to stick to it. Like all of us who have learned life's lessons the hard way, we hadn't thought about the consequences of our behavior.

Wedding Etiquette: Dad + Stepdad Walk Bride Up Aisle
Q I am the mother of the bride and am remarried for 27 years. The stepfather raised my daughter. The father of the bride is also remarried. He has never been there for my daughter her entire life. Therefore, our question is this: the mother of the bride is seated in the front row on the bride's side, and the stepfather sits next to her after he walks the bride to the altar. Where does the father of the bride and the stepmother of the bride sit? The second row seems more appropriate. Also, the biological father is walking the bride half way down the aisle and the stepfather who raised her is walking her the rest of the way. How does the biological father get to his seat without it being awkward? Should a middle row be kept clear for him to scoot through and he reaches his row up another aisle?

A The biological parents sit together because when the bride looks over on her special day she needs to see her parents sitting side by side. The stepparents are seated in the pew directly behind the biological parents. The stepmother would already be seated with a space next to her for the stepfather to sit next to the aisle. The stepfather would walk his wife, the mother, to her seat and they would be the last people seated before the processional begins; the stepfather would be seated closest to the aisle. When the father walks the bride up the aisle, he stops at the stepfather's pew where he is already standing, the stepfather takes her arm and walks her up the rest of the way and the father enters the pew and stands next to the bride's mother. After the stepfather turns the bride over to the groom, he returns to the pew behind the bride's parents and sits with the stepmother. Alternatively, both men might walk the bride up the aisle, each taking an arm with the flower girl or maid of honor carrying her bouquet, and returning to the pew where their wives are already standing.

Wedding Etiquette: Dad Wants Ex-Wife Recognized at Daughter's Wedding
Q My 23 yr-old daughter will be married in May. She is not close to my ex's wife and doesn't consider her a stepmother. How is she seated at the wedding and how is she listed in the bulletin? My ex wants her to be recognized. He will be walking my daughter down the aisle.

A Why would your husband's ex-wife be seated at the parents' table? Why would she be listed in the bulletin? She is not legally connected to the family. It is your daughter's call. It is her wedding; unless she is giving a blessing, there would be no reason. If she is so moved, your daughter might have her invited to her bridal and/or wedding shower. Her dad's ex-wife has been invited to the wedding, you have done your duty towards her. Unless she is paying for all or part of the cost of the wedding, why would she be listed in the bulletin?

Wedding Etiquette: Date of Bridal Shower
Q If a person is getting married and they want a shower, does the bride have the right to tell the attendants when the shower is to be given?

A The bride and the attendants would decide upon a mutually agreeable date for the shower. The bride might suggest four or five dates and hope that everyone was available for one of them.

Wedding Etiquette: Deadbeat Dad and Wedding Invitation
Q How do we word our invitation with divorced parents and one of the parents who is not involved (very little communication). We want to include the names of the parents that are helping financially and emotionally. Is the invitation an announcement of parents or who is actually giving the wedding?

A I am sorry but you may have asked the wrong etiquette consultant. The wedding invitation is all about the bride's parents giving their daughter away in marriage to Mr. Such-and-Such. The groom's family's names do not belong on the invitation. Weddings are not about the "booty" or who pays out more financially and emotionally. The birth parents give their daughter away in marriage. If the birth dad really has been out of the picture forever, then omit his name. If the bride's stepfather has been more or a dad than her deadbeat dad, then by all means let him give her away in marriage with the bride's mother. The parents of the groom are acknowledged when they send out invitations to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. Everyone will know who they are by their invitation. Remember the wedding invitation is not the mode to promote this parent or that; it is all about the wedding couple.

Wedding Etiquette: Dealing with Guests Who Bring Guests
Q My daughter is getting married and having a formal dinner, sent out invitation with rsvp, response people are sending back if mr& mrs number coming is mark 3; how do you handle this situation?

A Telephone the person who responds with a three when only two were invited, and say it is a seated dinner and you are unable to accommodate anyone who was not sent an invitation. If they say it is a child, tell them you will not be accommodating children. You need to keep your boundaries because the space you have hired by law can only legally seat a specific amount of people; if violated they will be fined and possibly shut down. Tell the invitee that they only have two seats total. You need to be consistent because if you let one couple bring a third person, you will not have enough seats or enough food and the party might possibly be shut down.

Wedding Etiquette: Deceased Parent on Invitation?
Q Is it proper for a wedding invitation to include persons who have passed away as part of the announcement for the wedding? Also, what is the purpose/history of the bride's veil? What does it represent?

A The wedding invitation is traditionally an invitation from the parent(s) of the bride to attend the marriage of their daughter. Excuse me but how can a deceased person invite someone to their daughter's wedding? There is an opportunity to announce the name(s) of the deceased parent(s) in the wedding announcement that is sent to the newspapers. I am sorry for your loss.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding + Expenses for Guests
Q Who is responsible for paying for the lodging and airfare of the guests for a destination wedding? (the bride and groom are paying for this wedding)

A If the bride and groom have not chartered a plane for the trip or offered to pay for your ticket, guests are responsible for their own airfare. Usually the bride and groom reserve a block of rooms for their wedding guests at a reduced rate, which guests would be responsible for, if it has not been stated otherwise. You might ask the bride and groom exactly what arrangements have been made for guests. Often if a favorite childhood friend, younger brother, or best man cannot afford to pay for his own expenses, he might find that the bride and groom have put aside money in their budget to cover such expenses.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding + Showers
Q My son is getting married and having a destination wedding in Jamaica, the bride is from another state, my friends want to give a shower called "all around the house shower", there has been no engagement party; would it be appropriate to combine the two into one event? If an engagement party is given, who is responsibe for it, the bride's parents or groom's parents or both?

A Traditionally, the wedding couple's parents share the responsibilities. The bride's family hosts the engagement party to introduce the two families to their closest friends; the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner to introduce the bridal party, close family and friends, and out-of-town guests the night before the wedding; the bride's family hosts the wedding; the groom's family pays for the wedding trip. Tops, there might be two showers: one girlie bridal shower hosted by the bridesmaids for the bride; one coed cocktail party shower for the wedding couple, often a bar and/or kitchen shower.

Customarily, guests who are invited to an engagement party and/or shower are also invited to attend the actual wedding. However, I receive lots of bitter complaints from guests who say, "Why should I go to the shower, if I am not invited to the wedding?" As you can see, it is a bit of a tease to buy a present for the wedding couple only to find out at the shower that they have not been invited to the wedding.

In your particular situation, where your son is having a destination wedding, the bride's family would host an engagement party at which time family and friends would be told of the wedding plans and asked to notify the wedding couple if they would like to attend the destination wedding in Jamaica. Then after the newlyweds return from Jamaica, the groom's family, or a friend, might host a post-wedding party to celebrate the marriage.

The problem is twofold: no matter how the wedding plays out, it is very tacky for family members to solicit gifts for the wedding couple; friends and family who are not invited to the wedding, or who are invited to the wedding but do not attend, are not required to give a present.

The solutions is this: the bride and groom create their own wedding Web site that includes the wedding plans and photos of the couple that are updated after each event which helps to keep family and friends in the wedding loop. On this Web site there is a click-on for Wedding Registry, which allows friends and family to access that information voluntarily. If they do not set up their own wedding Web site, then they might register on the Internet through the wedding channel. By word of mouth, the word will get out where the wedding registries are located.

So, the short answer is this: traditionally, it is not appropriate to have a shower that includes guests who are not invited to the actual wedding. Therefore, call it an engagement party. If the bride's family cannot host an engagement party, then the groom's family, or a friend, might host an engagement party for the wedding couple. However, you might want to try to make it easy for some of the bride's family to attend, perhaps by asking your closest friends to put them up for the night and possibly pick them up at the airport or train station.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding Etiquette
Q My daughter is getting married in six months and it is a destination wedding with a limited guest list. Are we as the parents of the bride expected to give a party to introduce them? If we are, is it before or after the wedding?

A You could handle this one of two ways, or do both. You could host an engagement party within the next four months or you can host, say, a cocktail buffet when the newlyweds return from their wedding trip. Or you can do both. The invitation guests list can even be different. But remember that you would only invite people to the engagement party who are also being invited to the destination wedding. To the after-wedding party, you can invite anybody.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding Etiquette: Gifts
Q What etiquette is there pertaining to wedding gifts, if attending a destination wedding?

A Nowadays, no matter what kind of an wedding, the guests would send a gift from the bridal registry to the registered address, unless the wedding couple's invitation said something such as, "In lieu of a gift, your presence is your gift to us."

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding Guest Pays for Guest's Travel
Q If I invite a date to a destination wedding, should I pay for his travel expenses?

A If you are trying to figure out how to broach the subject of who is going to pay for his airline tickets, you might say: I want to make our travel arrangements, do you have any airline miles you can use? That gives him the chance to chime in to tell you if he is planning on paying his travel expenses, or thinks that you are. As you know, when you invite someone to do something with you, such as attend a destination wedding, the invitee assumes that certain expenses will be covered and that he will be responsible for the rest. For instance, perhaps, if he has airline miles, he might get the tickets and you might pay for the hotel. Most savvy guys know that when they accept such a lovely invitation as this, they will be expected to pay their share.

However, if it is a new relationship and you do not know if he can afford to contribute to the cost of the trip, you might have to make the arrangements and hope that he will offer to reimburse you. As you know, in a relationship there is give and take and it all evens out over time or it doesn't.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding: After-Wedding Brunch: Invitation List
Q Could you please give me information about what is expected at an after-wedding brunch/lunch, i.e. is the entire guest list asked (it is a destination wedding) or is it all right to invite just the family and wedding party; how elaborate is the party?


A When there is an evening wedding, the out-of-town guests from the night before generally stay the night, so for them, a breakfast or brunch is a lovely send-off. As this is a destination wedding, most of the guests will be from out-of-town and they will be wanting to head for home directly after breakfast or brunch. That means they will not be expecting, or even want, a seated breakfast or lunch, or to drink much alcohol, if any. Having checked our of their hotels, they will be in their travel clothes, so it will a relaxed time to get a bite to eat before hitting the road. You might have pitchers of Bloody Marys or Mimosas, as well as orange juice and a coffee urn, for people to pour for themselves. If you are having the breakfast or brunch catered, you might have an omelet station on the buffet, and guests can choose from an assortment of bagels, muffins, bacon, and sausage. If you choose to do the food yourself, you could order lots of quiche, green salad and fruit salad, and let people help themselves. Another alternative is to host a Picnic Lunch Sandwich Buffet with assorted sandwiches and wraps that people would eat quickly or could take with them on the run, if they are, say, catching a plane: Grilled cChicken cCaesar Wrap, Roast Beef with Horseradish Mayonnaise, Proscuitto, Mozzarella, Tomato and Basil on Foccacia Bread, Roast Turkey with Swiss Cheese, and Tuna Salad on a Brioche Bun, accompanied by pickles, olives, Dijon Mustard and mayonnaise. For dessert you could have plates of cookies and brownies set out.

You would invite the bridal party and their families, other close family, and out-of-town guests. The problem with a destination wedding is that guests are more apt to bond over the events and, say, ask another guest if he or she is going to the brunch the next day. So you should probably set a boundary and only invite the bridal families and close family, or include all the out-of- town guests. Not everyone you invite will come, because people will have trains and planes to catch and miles to go before they sleep. Even if two-thirds of the guests show up, they probably won't stay for longer than an hour. Don't forget, some guests might even sleep through breakfast. On the invitation you would invite guests to come between, say, ten and twelve noon, or nine and eleven, or eleven and one o'clock. By setting a tight boundary, you can stop serving at the appointed hour, because that was the extent of the invitation. There is no need for expensive wines and champagne, because your guests are on the move.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding: After-Wedding Party
Q My fiance and I are getting married in St. Lucia by ourselves. I'm torn; so many family and friends ask us if we will be having a party when we get home. Is it really proper to have a "wedding party" without inviting people to our wedding? I don't want people to think I'm tacky or asking for handouts. Please advise. Thank you so much. Lisa Christopher

A It is perfectly proper and very chic, by the way, to have an after-wedding party after you return from St. Lucia. As you know, because the after-wedding party guests were not invited to the wedding, they would not be expected to give you a wedding gift. However, you can fill out a bridal registry at a local store and through word of mouth, when friends and family ask, you can let people know where you are registered. There is nothing wrong with saying, "So many people have asked where we are registered and asked us to register that we thought we should just go ahead and register to make it easier for them." Nevertheless, you would not insert bridal registry cards or information on the invitation. Here are a couple of examples of how the invitation might be worded, as I don't know who would be hosting the after-wedding party you and your husband, your parents, or friends. Substitute your own information and center the lines on the invitation:

Lisa Charlotte Christopher
Charles Stuart Dickens
have the honor of announcing
their recent marriage in St. Lucia
and in celebration
request the pleasure of your company
at a Cocktail Buffet
on Saturday, July 21st
from six until eight o'clock
684 Bellevue Avenue
Newport

RSVP 000-000-0000

If your parents are hosting the party, then they would be doing the inviting:

Mr. and Mrs. Henry George Christopher
have the honor of announcing
the recent marriage of their daughter
Lisa Charlotte
to
Mr. Charles Stuart Dickens
on St. Lucia, February 14th, 2007
and request the pleasure of your company
at an After-Wedding Reception (or "Cocktail Buffet")
etc.

Or, if friends are hosting:

Mr. and Mrs. John Henry Wilson
request the pleasure of your company
to celebrate the recent marriage of
Lisa Charlotte Christopher
to
Mr. Charles Stuart Dickens
etc.

Or, when all those being invited know the newlyweds:

Mr. and Mrs. John Henry Wilson
request the pleasure of your company
at a cocktail buffet (or after-wedding reception)
in honor of
Lisa and Charles Dickens
etc.

I like the term "Cocktail Buffet" as opposed to "Reception" because it takes it away from the "reception" commonly held immediately following the wedding ceremony. A "Cocktail Buffet" would be a cocktail party with hors d'oeuvres and small hors d'oeuvres plates at several feeding stations that allow for grazing, as opposed to having a seated dinner. You most certainly can have a seated dinner or dinner dance given in your honor, or you can host it yourselves. Even a brunch or luncheon would be appropriate.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding: Guest Gift
Q I am part of and attending my girlfreind's wedding in Mexico. Both my husband and I are attending and it is quite costly. I am unsure if I am still supposed to get her a wedding gift even though I am paying almost $3000 to attend and also holding the shower?

A Is your question that you are wondering if you still have to give your friend a wedding present? If you don't give her a present, you need to illustrate why. Perhaps you can take photos from the shower and stagette and arrange them in a nice little album and label the photos with the date and names of the guests. She will then be reminded of all that you have done and also have the memories recorded. If that is not your style, you could do a video. If you remind people gently of what you have done, they will understand that you have done all that you can do and that is the best that any of us can do.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding: Mother of the Groom
Q I am the mother of the groom. I am invited to the bridesmaid's brunch--hosted by the mother of the bride. Do I give gifts to the bride and mother?
Can I ask to have the invitation extended to the guests, aunts and cousins?
This is a destination wedding. We are helping with the wedding expenses---do we also give a wedding gift to the bride and groom? What is proper attire for the grandmother of the groom? She's 83.



A No, you do not need to bring gifts for the bride and her mother to the brunch. Later you can send the mother a thank-you note thanking her for the brunch.

Why don't you pick up the phone and ask the mother of the bride if the groom's aunts and cousins are invited to the brunch? If she says, no, because of space considerations or whatever, thank her and drop the issue. If she says, yes, then each one of those women should send the mother of the bride a thank-you note for the brunch when they get home.

What you might not know about the bridesmaid's brunch is that it could possibly be just for the bridesmaids, the bride, and the mothers; the theme might have a spa element to it, which is why the numbers would be limited. These days, often someone close to the bride will host a brunch or lunch for the bridesmaids to get them all in sync as to color of nail polish, height of shoes, jewelry. What I am saying is that this brunch is all about the bridesmaids, it is a thank-you to them for all the expense and time they have expended on the bride's behalf. It is usually a girlie, girlie time with inside jokes and camaraderie. If the brunch isn't at a spa, there might be a beautician and stylist on hand to do hair and makeup. As you know, makeup for formal portraits such as wedding photos is different from everyday makeup. Since I don't know the theme, the day, time or the location of the brunch, I am thinking that you might want to find out more about the brunch before asking if the aunts and cousins can be included.

Traditionally, as you no doubt know, the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding and also pays for the wedding trip. Since this is a destination wedding and you've already helped with the wedding expenses, you might ask your son how he would like you to pitch in further. If he says that you've done enough and you still want to do something, the groom's family can also host the post-wedding brunch the next day, offer to pay for the bridal bouquet or the fee to the person who performs the marriage ceremony. If you hosted a post-wedding brunch, then you could invite the aunts, the cousins, and, traditionally, the wedding party also.

As to the grandmother of the groom's outfit, I would need to now more about the wedding (location, time of day, time of year, indoors or outdoors) and her build and coloring. Traditionally, she would wear a dress that falls just below her knees and a matching jacket. If it is a formal wedding, she would wear a dressy dinner suit. Her colors would be beige, blue-gray, coral, moss green, ice blue. If it is a church wedding, she could wear a hat and/or gloves.

These are rather general answers to a lot of questions, so do ask more questions being very specific and I'll send you more detailed answers. For instance, traditionally, the groom's family gives the bride either a piece of jewelry or luxury bedding. In this economic downturn, gifts of that nature are not expected, but you asked, so I included it.

Please, do let me know if you have any further questions. You are also welcome to browse the archives on my website by returning to www.NewportManners.com and clicking on archives, wedding, dress code, then mother of the groom.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding: Shower and After-Wedding Reception
Q If you are having a destination wedding and are just inviting family and close friends, but have a large reception when you return, is it okay to have a shower before the wedding with the people that you are inviting to the reception?

A Yes, it is perfectly fine to have a shower, if your wedding is a destination wedding, but it would be best if you didn't push the present, gift giving aspect. In other words don't load up the invitations with bridal registry information cards or put bridal registry information on the invitations. Through word of mouth, when people ask tell them where you are registered and the word will get out. Nowadays, wedding couples create a wedding website to keep friends and relatives not attending the destination wedding in the loop with photos. You can also include a clickon for bridal registry as the website is open to all your friends and relatives, not just those attending the destination wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Weddings: Who Pays
Q In planning a destination wedding in Mexico, is it correct to let the guests pay for their flight and rooms? I was told this weekend that it is proper to pay the guests' way?

A Don't be railroaded by anyone who says that you are responsible for your guests' expenses. A destination wedding is all about the wedding couple. Basically, what you are saying is, "We're getting married at a faraway place and if you want to be a part of this sacred ceremony then please join for the celebration." Your first responsibility is to ask the hotel or resort for a discount for your wedding guests. You should be able to reserve a block of rooms, depending upon the time of year, for anywhere between a ten to twenty percent discount. The only bill that you as the newlyweds would be responsible for would be for the wedding and the wedding reception. Yes, there are special situations where, say, the best man or maid of honor is in school and cannot afford the airfare and the accommodation bill. For those special situations you might set up a discretionary fund to help such friends. Also, you must remember that when guests have to pay for travel expenses and accommodations, you cannot expect a wedding present. In your own way, you would get the word out that you understand that in lieu of a wedding present, you appreciate the fact that your guests are spending money to attend your wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Different Tunes
Q Is is appropriate to have multiple musicians at a wedding? For instance a cellist at the ceremony, backpipes at the beginning of the reception and then a dj/singer for the remainder of the reception?

A Not at all, the more music at a wedding the better.

Wedding Etiquette: Dinner Is Served Seated + Promptly
Q We are having a sit down dinner at our wedding reception and need help on wording this on the reply card. Many receptions in the Mid West are buffets where the food is left out for some time, making it easy for guests to arrive a little late and still be able to eat. We, however, decided on a sit down dinner. We want to avoid anyone walking in while we are eating dinner because they did not know that it is a sit down dinner which will be uncomfortable for all of us. Can you help me word the reply card such that we can hint to our guests that it is a sit down dinner without saying " sit down dinner" or do you recommend us using those words. Thank you.

A On the wedding invitation, if the wedding is at six o'clock, you might put the following on two separate lines, "at six o'clock/and at dinner immediately following the ceremony."

If you think this is not a strong enough message, then on the reply card you might have a line that states "Dinner promptly at eight o'clock." Use your own information and center the lines on the page:

M/M___________
Accept_________ Regret________
for the tenth of June.

Dinner promptly at eight o'clock.

Also, I believe in the power of word of mouth, if you remind people when you speak to guests before the wedding that: it is a seated dinner and you don't want anyone walking in feeling embarrassed because everyone is seated with place cards.

Wedding Etiquette: Dinner: Toasts: Stepfather
Q My stepdaughter of 4 years has asked me to "walk her down the aisle." She is 29; this is her first marriage, and her father died 2 years ago. She and her father were somewhat close - certainly sufficiently close that she would have wanted him to give her away. On a personal level I want her father to be fully remembered at the rehearsal dinner - and I expect that he will be by his brother. My question: having been personally acquainted with her father, what is appropriate and thoughtful for me to say at the rehearsal dinner - and at what point in the comments?

A For the rehearsal dinner, the best man makes the list of toasts and invites the toasters to toast the wedding couple. Traditionally, you would make your toast (the father-of-the- bride toast) during the wedding reception, not the rehearsal dinner because the rehearsal dinner is the groom's family's venue; it is the time for best friends to make their toasts.

At the wedding reception, make your toast short; no longer than two minutes. This is a happy occasion and you don't want to make the bride and her mother weep. Not to be coldhearted here, but this wedding is a time for the bride to put past pain behind her and focus on her own groom, not dwell on the loss of her father. Firstly, you do not want to make any one weep, but you can thank the bride and groom for "the great honor of being asked to toast the wedding couple." The stepfather does not toast the father, he toasts the wedding couple, so you are really off the hook about having to bring up the father at all. If anything, you want to inject a bit of humor into your toast. Think up an amusing, heartfelt incident about when you realized that the wedding couple were meant for one another. If you cannot come up with an anecdote, then go to a chain book store and browse the books on toasts until you find a toast that fits your feelings about how you feel about the wedding couple, but be sure that your toast is NOT corny or weepy. Once again, your toast should NOT be about you or the bride's father, your toast should be all about wishing the wedding couple a bright future, eternal love, and everlasting happiness.

Remember, this is NOT the time "for the father to be fully remembered." As the master of ceremonies at the wedding reception, it is up to the best man to announce your toast, which would be either the first or second toast at the wedding reception.

The place for the bride and groom's deceased parents, siblings, grandparents, and aunts and uncles to be recognized and honored is in the program for the ceremony. After the listing of the wedding party, there is a line that says: "We remember this day." Underneath that line the names of the deceased are listed. In this case it would start with the name of the bride's father.

Wedding Etiquette: Divorced Bridal Parents: Seating
Q I am the mother of the bride. My husband and I are divorced. I am in a serious relationship with a man. My ex-husband will not be bringing a companion. My question is in regards to the seating at the church. My daughter wants me to sit in the same pew as her father, having my significant other sit several rows back with my sister, friends,etc. I want to sit with my significant other in one pew and have her father sit in his own pew either behind or in front of us. She told me this was "etiquette", having both parents, though divorced, sitting in the same pew. Your thoughts, please.

A You are not going to like my answer, but you asked. This wedding is all about your daughter and her husband. For whatever reasons, unresolved issues or just a deep love for both of her birth parents, your daughter wants her parents in the front pew seated together. This is her special day and in your long life, it is only forty-five minutes to an hour out of your life, which you should be able to give to your daughter. Your partner will understand your daughter's need. Perhaps you can broker a compromise with your daughter and ask your daughter to let you and your partner have your own table at the reception and your ex-husband can have his own table. You are the most important role model in your daughter's life; how you handle this and how you behave tells everyone the kind of person you really are. Be an excellent role model to your daughter and give her one hour of your time on her wedding day at her wedding ceremony.

Wedding Etiquette: Divorced Parents of Junior Bridesmaid
Q How do you handle divorced parents of a junior bridesmaid? Her father is the bride's uncle. What events, if any, should her mother be invited to?

A It would depend upon the relationship between the bride and the junior bridesmaid's mother. If they are/were close, if she attended her wedding, then it might be nice to include her. If the mother has a new life and is not particularly needy and the bride does not have an ongoing relationship with her, then she need not be included. The father can bring the junior bridesmaid and deliver her home. If there is fear of friction and bad vibes between family members about her, don't have her around. The wedding is all about the bride and groom; it is not the time to let bad or unresolved issues of other relatives show their unhappy face. If it is a large wedding, you might invite the mother just to that one event, but if she has not remarried, she should be encouraged to bring a "guest" to escort her; you would not need to invite her to any of the pre-wedding festivites, as she is no longer family. As I do not know the relationships, it is difficult to give proper advice; if you would like to ask the question again with more details, I would be happy to give you a better answer.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Wedding Etiquette: Do Bride's Parents Pay for Wedding if He's Been Married Before?
Q My 32-year-old has announced she is to marry a 45-year-old man with 3 children and a millionaire and she has an 11- year-old son out of wedlock, am I suppose to pay for her wedding?????

A You might sit down with the bride and groom to ask them about their plans for the wedding. Let the groom talk; if he offers to pay for everything or for part of the expenses, one of you would act as the treasurer to pay the bills and the expenses would be divvied up later. Traditionally, the groom pays for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding trip, but if it is his second wedding, he probably would not do that twice---been there, done that sort of thing. Yes, if your daughter is under 35 and does not make a huge salary, she might hope that you will pay for her wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Do Guests Pay Hotel Bill
Q Who pays for out-of-town guest hotels?


A Out-of-town guests pay for themselves; however, often the bride or groom's family will reserve a block of rooms for the wedding party at a better price.

Wedding Etiquette: Do I Give Three Shower Gifts + A Wedding Present?
Q I have been invited to three bridal showers for the same person (family and friends/couples/lingerie). Now I hear the couple also expects a wedding gift at the ceremony. I thought if you were invited to a shower let alone three showers, you did not have to bring an additional gift to the wedding? Please clarify this for me.

A Nowadays, brides know that the more shower presents required the more watered down the gifts. Luckily, couples are savvy when filling out their bridal registries at various stores to list a wide array of gifts, everything from a carrot scraper, garlic press, and whisk to a china place setting and bar glasses, with you in mind. As you will be attending four events, an expensive wedding present will not be expected from you. However, if you feel awkward about arriving at a shower without a gift, you have two options: you can send the couple one really nice gift from their registry or four very small ones. If you choose one big wedding gift, you would say on the card "I (we) wanted to give you one special gift, thank you for including me (us) in so many of your wedding festivities." Then you might just send cards thanking them for including you in all the festivities: the engagement party and the showers. Don't forget, because so many guests might be sending their shower and wedding gifts through the store directly to the couple's registry address, not everyone will be arriving with gifts. You might be able to view the couple's registries on the Internet through the wedding channel, and that might help you decide what you want to do.

Wedding Etiquette: Do I Have to Give a Gift for Each Party
Q If you go to a wedding shower and bring a gift, do you have to bring a gift to the wedding?

A People don't bring gifts to weddings. The bride and groom have too much on their minds to be worrying about presents, keeping them safe and getting them home, especially if they are leaving on a honeymoon. Nowadays, guests go on the Internet to the wedding channel and look for the couple's bridal registry to find out what the couple needs. The guest can chose between sending two small gifts for the two occasions or one more expensive gift and the registry at the store will send the gift to the address the couple wish their gifts sent.

Wedding Etiquette: Do I Have to Invite the Whole Clan?
Q My son is getting married in September. I have a limited number of invitations to give out. I have several very special cousins I want to invite, but I don't think their older and younger siblings even know who my son is. Do I have to invite the whole family and their spouses and children if I want just one or two from that clan? I have over 100 first cousins, not to mention aunts and uncles. I can't have them all. Can I split families?

A This is a common problem. Not to worry. You are under no obligation to send invitations to the whole clan. There is no law or etiquette police who will fine you for not sending the entire clan invitations. So relax: list the top people you might send invitations and then make another list of those whom you might just send an announcement. These days it is relatively inexpensive to have an announcement printed after the wedding to be sent to all those relatives and friends whom you might want to inform of your son's marriage.

Wedding Etiquette: Do I Invite My Boss?
Q I am getting married in August of 2006, a very small (50 guests) and intimate celebration. I started a new job in August of 2005, my boss and I work very closely, she owns the company, I help her run it...there are only 3 other very part-time employees with whom my boss rarely interacts. Our relationship is very good, but doesn't span outside of work. Do I invite her and her husband to my wedding? I may hire a colleague of hers to make my dress, would that change my obligation?

A You need to explain to your boss that you are having a very small wedding and that the entire wedding party will consist of no more than fifty people and that you hope she will understand that your family comes first. Leave it at that. You can always send out a wedding announcement and then she has the option of sending you a wedding present, or not. But at least you will have thought about the fact that you could not invite her. If she is a person of manners, she will understand and send you a wedding present whether or not you send out an announcement. At a later date, you can bring in your wedding album and show her how small your wedding really was. You have a professional relationship with your boss, keep it that way. If you wish, you can also invite your boss and her husband for dinner with you and your husband at a later date. Whether or not you have your boss's friend design your dress does not matter. The point here is that you are having a very small wedding. How nice! How special! Many congratulations!

Wedding Etiquette: Do Parents Exchange Gifts
Q Do the parents exchange gifts at the wedding rehearsal?

A No, the wedding couple's parents do not exchange gifts.

Wedding Etiquette: Do People Bring Check to Wedding
Q Do most people give a check or gift certificate on the actual wedding day?

A Most people do not give a check or gift certificate on the actual wedding day because it might be difficult to keep track of the envelopes; if bride and groom are headed off on their wedding trip after the reception, they would have to entrust them to someone while they are away. The considerate thing to do is to go on the Internet to the couple's wedding Web site to find our where they have registered their bridal registry; or go to wedding channel.com to look them up, and find a present you can afford from the registry and have the store send the gift to the registered address.

Wedding Etiquette: Do We Congratulate the Fiance
Q Is it proper etiquette to say "Congratulations" to a new fiance?

A Yes, I am sure he would greatly appreciate being congratulated.

Wedding Etiquette: Do You Congratulate the Bride
Q Are you supposed to congratulate a bride to be?

A Yes, the bride will appreciate your kind words.

Wedding Etiquette: Do You Have to Give Shower Gift if Not Attending
Q Do you send a gift when you are invited to a wedding shower but are not attending? Will be attending the wedding though.

A No, you do not need to send a shower present if you are not attending the shower.

Wedding Etiquette: Do You Have to Give Wedding Present if You Gave Shower Gifts?
Q Do you give a wedding gift if you have attended showers?



A Usually the more shower presents you have given the bride and groom the more "watered down" the wedding present, so you do not necessarily have to spend more than you can afford on their wedding present. They will understand that you are a generous friend.

Wedding Etiquette: Do You Have to Send Gifts If You Don't Attend
Q Is it proper to send a gift to an engagement party given by a third party if you will be unable attend but will be attending at least one shower and the wedding?

A For any wedding, no matter how many showers or parties you are invited to, you need not send more than two presents total. In your case, you only need to send two gifts. Brides and grooms understand that the more parties guests are invited to, the more watered down the gifts. So: nobody will be miffed, if you don't send a gift for a party you don't attend.

Wedding Etiquette: Do You Send Two Gifts for Shower + Wedding
Q Do you give a wedding gift at the bridal shower and the wedding? I thought that you gave your big gift at the shower and then, if you WANTED to, you put an envelope in the basket at the actual wedding w,hen you did.

A You have the option of giving one really nice wedding gift or two smaller gifts. Putting an envelope in the basket at the actual wedding is a bit dicey because cash and checks can go astray and then the bride and groom do not know whom to send thank-you notes to for what. It is better to go to the couple's wedding Web site or to the Internet Wedding Channel to find a gift you can afford and the store will send your gift to the registered address.

Wedding Etiquette: Do You Take Gift to Engagement Party
Q Do you take a gift to an egagement party? If so what?

A Customarily, you might go on to the couple's wedding Web site or to www.wedding channel to look up the couple's bridal registry. Find something they like that you can afford and the store will send it to the registered address for you, that way the couple does not have to deal with carting the presents home at the end of the evening and perhpas losing cards that tell them who gave what, which they need for their thank-you notes.

Wedding Etiquette: Does Bride Keep Ring When Wedding Is Called Off
Q Wedding's off. Does bride-to-be get to keep the engagement ring?

A If the man called off the wedding, then the woman keeps the engagement ring. If the woman called off the wedding, then she would return the ring.

Wedding Etiquette: Does Mother of Bride Bring Gift to Bridal Shower
Q Does the mother of the bride bring a gift to the bridal shower?

A If the mother of the bride brings a gift to the bridal shower, I am sure your daughter will greatly appreciate it. It does not have to be extravagant. No doubt, she would be pleased to have some fresh sachets, lingerie or a gift certificate to a beauty spa.

Wedding Etiquette: Does Shower Gift Take the Place of Wedding Gift
Q Does the wedding shower gift take the place of the wedding gift?

A No, the wedding shower gift does not take the place of the wedding gift; however, the bride and groom know that the more pre-wedding showers and parties, the more watered down the wedding gifts will be, which is why on their bridal registry they list many inexpensive presents. If you opt to give one really nice present, say that on your wedding present card and send the wedding present early.

Wedding Etiquette: Does Son Get Gift for Third Wedding
Q Do you have to give your son a wedding gift for his third wedding?

A Never give a gift, if you don't feel good about giving the gift. However, you might want to give his bride a wedding present. Ask her what she might like for a wedding present; that is just for her.

Wedding Etiquette: Does the Bride's Dad Have to Pay for the Wedding
Q I am a divorced father of the bride-to-be.... bride 24, beau 25. Bride-to-be 3rd grade teacher and beau Lexington KY policeman.

Beau paid $7000 for bride-to-be to go to Europe 7 months ago to meet him and is scheduled for a $6000 caribou hunt this fall.

Bride to be's mother thinks it is father of bride to be's responsibilty to open up the check book (in this case take out a loan) for a wedding. Bride to be's mother (x) has no money, Parents of groom have no money.... and not surprisingly the kids have no money! Bride to be does not see that paying for a wedding would be a gift if it could be afforded...not an obligation since the day she was born.... Is she right or I? Oh yeah ... I found out one week ago the bride to be is 4 months pregnant...

I say the kids have money to burn on caribou....and a european vacation then they might want to consider a wedding....its all a matter of priority. Is there some rule that says it is the father of the brides responsibility to pay for a wedding?



A In the context of the traditional wedding, yes. The expenses of a traditional wedding are shared between the two families: the groom buys the bride an engagement ring, the bride's family hosts an engagement party, the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner, the bride's family hosts the wedding, and the groom's family pays for the wedding trip. It sounds as if the wedding couple has already had the wedding trip. Why not suggest a small morning wedding and lunch afterwards in an informal setting? Offer to host twenty-five people, say, at fifty dollars a person and see how your daughter responds. Perhaps she will be grateful and say, "Thanks, Dad, we'll pay for any guests over the twenty-five." I don't know what you can afford but there are alternatives to the big, expensive wedding. Especially since your daughter is pregnant, you will want to have the ceremony sooner rather than later, so you can cut down on costs by eliminating invitations and celebrating at a brunch or lunch. No, there are no etiquette codes carved in stone enforced by the etiquette police. So: you can walk away from this and no one will fault you for your logic about their priorities or question your priorities; however, this is your family we're talking about here, so perhaps it is time to look at the big picture. Etiquette is based on consideration, compassion, and compromise.

Wedding Etiquette: Does the Groom Pay for My Tuxedo?
Q Should the groom pay for my tuxedo?

A No, the groom does not pay for the rental of your tuxedo.

Wedding Etiquette: Dollar Amount of Wedding Gift
Q What is the appropriate dollar amount to give as a wedding gift?

A How much you are willing to spend on a wedding present depends upon how much you can afford, how much the wedding couple needs support, and how well you know the bride and/or groom and/or their families. If you are an employed adult and you and your wife are attending the wedding, you might spend a hundred dollars per person on one wedding gift. Nowadays, guests browse the wedding couple's bridal registries to find a gift they can afford that they know the couple needs and the store sends the gift to the registered address. Many couples create their own wedding Web site on which their registry information can be found, or you can look them up on the Internet by going to the wedding channel. You ask how I come up with one hundred dollars; well, these days it costs the wedding couple's families well over one hundred dollars to entertain each guest, so your gift should equal what you suspect is being paid for you to attend the wedding. However, if you cannot afford that much, then find a gift on the bridal registry that they have chosen that you can afford. The important thing is that you give them a gift that you know that they want; the cost is secondary. Another factor might be if you were related to the bride or groom or employed one or the other, then you might want to give a more expensive gift, predicated also on how much you can afford.

Wedding Etiquette: Don't Bring the Present
Q Do you bring a gift to an engagement party?

A If the engagement party is not in the couple's home, you need to send the gift to the bride's address; otherwise, the gift could go astray and you would wonder why you never received a thank-you note. It is also more considerate because the couple will have a better time if they are not worried about the gifts. Imagine, how would they get all those gifts home?

Wedding Etiquette: Don't Send Registry with Invitation
Q Can a bridal registry be enclosed with the wedding invitation?

A It might be more polite to enclose a small card listing the stores where you are registered. Sending someone a long list of presents seems a bit tacky. Nowadays many couples are registered on the wedding channel through the Internet so guests can order directly on-line or print out the list themselves. It seems more efficient because if the guest takes his time looking at your registry when he goes to buy an item, it may have already been bought for you. Reading your registry on-line will tell him which gifts have not yet been sent to you.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 1:00 pm Wedding: Guest: Woman
Q My niece is getting married Sept. 12th, 1 PM, Catholic church, I am not one to wear a dress...can I wear black trouser leg slacks, white V-neck blouse, pink blazer and black heels? What would you suggest instead?

The dinner and reception is at a bar/grill place where they met.

A Your outfit sounds fine as long as the slacks are not a tight fit. Since you aren't one to wear a dress, you should be OK especially if this is the type of outfit that you would wear to church. Personally, I'm not sure about the pink jacket, but if the outfit fits you well and makes you feel good, then it should be fine.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 10:00 a.m. Wedding
Q What is the appropriate attire at a 10:00 a.m. wedding? Is it the dressiest time?

A No, it is the least dressiest time. You would dress as if you were going to church and a fancy restaurant for brunch afterwards. This means suits or jackets and ties for the men and coat dresses or suits and hats, scarves and gloves for the ladies.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 11:00 am Wedding: Grandmother
Q My grandson is being married at 11 am and the ceremony is a casual affair. I have always thought that the grandmother should dress in a solid color dress or gown. I have never gone to a morning wedding and also casual. Is it appropriate for me as the grandmother to wear a floral dress or suit?

A You can wear a floral dress, but I think that a solid dress with sleeves or suit that both fall just below the knees would be more appropriate.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 11:30 am Service: Stepmother of the Bride
Q I am the stepmother of an adult daughter getting married for the second time at 11:30 a.m. She is wearing a lovely bridal gown, her father, my husband, is wearing a tuxedo. I have several lovely pretty gowns, solid colors...could I get away with wearing a long gown?? Thanks. The bride does not care if I wear long or short!

A I am sorry but you are not going to like my answer.

Don't wear a long dress to an eleven thirty wedding because you'll look and feel very silly. Most women over forty look incredibly dowdy in long dresses anyway, so why you would wear one when you don't have to is beyond me. As the stepmother of the bride you want to look dignified.

Find yourself a dress with a matching jacket or a very nice tailored suit that falls just below your knees. Since I don't know the date or climate of the wedding I cannot be more specific about what you should wear. However, I do know what you shouldn't wear. You shouldn't wear a long dress to a morning wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 pm Birmingham
Q What does a 55-year-old woman wear to a 2:00 pm wedding in Birmingham, Ala. at an events location, not a church, in March? Is it appropriate to wear coral tailored dress with a coral sweater jacket that hits right below the top of the knee, with taupe shoes?

A That sounds lovely. It is the perfect two o'clock wedding outfit. Have fun!

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 pm Outdoor Wedding in October
Q I'm invited to a 2:00 p.m. outside wedding with reception immediately following in October. I am in my mid-50's, size 12-14. What would be the proper dress code? My 31-year-old handicapped son has been invited also. His handicap is being non-verbal; but also he has depth vision problems; what should he wear? Would it be appropriate for him to wear shoes that he wears daily that he is accustomed to?

A For an outdoor two o'clock wedding in October you can wear a skirt that falls just below your knees with a nice sweater twin set and a light-weight jacket, along with pretty shoes that have a sensible heel because, if the soil is damp beneath the grass, high heels could possibly pierce through the turf and make it difficult for you to walk. Alternatively, you could wear a skirt suit or dress with a matching coat or jacket.

Since I don't know where this wedding is taking place, this is a rather general answer.

Your son can wear a jacket with a collared white shirt and tie of his choice. Khaki pants would probably be fine with the shoes that he usually wears.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 pm Outdoor Wedding in October
Q I'm invited to a 2:00 p.m. outside wedding with reception immediately following in October. I am in my mid 50's, size 12-14; what would be the proper dress code. My 31-year-old handicapped son has been invited also. His handicap is being non-verbal, but also he has depth vision problems; what should he wear? Would it be appropriate for him to wear shoes that he wears daily that he is accustomed to?. By the way the wedding is in middle Georgia.

A Hi, I think I just answered this question, but since I want to be sure that you received my answer and I didn't see that the wedding was in Georgia until too late, here is a slightly better version of my answer.

You could wear a skirt suit that falls just below your knees with good jewelry, good leather shoes with sensible heels, and a good, smallish leather bag. If you have a dress with a matching jacket, that would be perfect, too. Alternatively, you would be quite proper wearing a sweater twin set with pearls and a dark A-line skirt that falls just below your knees. I want you to be warm if it is chilly, but I also want you to look dignified. If the weather has been rainy, you would not wear shoes with a high heel because the heels might sink into the ground and throw you off balance.

Your son is the easy one. If he has a nice tweed jacket or navy blue blazer, he could wear either with a collared white shirt and the tie of his choice. Please, don't worry about the shoes. If he is wearing a pair of darkish khaki pants, he can wear whatever shoes make him comfortable. He probably should wear either khaki colored socks, if he wears khakis, or black socks, if the shoes that he usually wears are black. At any rate, his socks should match either the color of his trousers or the color of his shoes.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:00 Outdoor Country Wedding
Q What is the proper attire for an August 3:00 pm wedding in Alburgh, Vermont, service at house and reception at their airplane hangar?

A There is nothing quite as nice as an at home wedding. The men will probably be wearing blazers and either white or khaki pants with colorful shirts and no socks with their loafers. There is nothing prettier than cotton sundresses on a hot summer's day with strappy sandals or summer flats. A three o'clock wedding screams for a beautiful hat with a crown of flowers--very outdoor country. A pretty peasant or linen (depending on your style) blouse with a great skirt would also be lovely.

It will be hot in August in Vermont and when the sun goes down it could get buggy, so bring along sunscreen and bug repellent. Take lots of photos.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:00 pm Country Club
Q I am going to a wedding on October 24, 2009. The wedding is at a church at 3:00 p.m. and than the reception follows at 4:15 p.m. at the country club. The invitation says: black-tie optional. I don't know what to wear - I just bought a simple short (just above the knee black dress). I was hoping with some accessories I could get by with this, but I am not sure what to wear or what color of accessories to use. Also not sure what my boyfriend should wear. Thank you

A Your little black dress sounds perfect. You can accessorize with beads and beautiful shoes. Your boyfriend can wear a dark suit or a dark blazer with good khaki pants or grey flannel pants. With either he would wear a collared, long-sleeved shirt and a tie, dark shoes (preferably a black Gucci-style loafer) with black socks.

As this is a three o'clock wedding with a reception at a country club, he doesn't have to wear a tuxedo and you don't have to wear a long dress.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:00 pm Wedding
Q My fiance is wearing linen pants to a 3 pm wedding; what are the proper shoes? Also it's my best friend/aunt; I am wearing all white with teal heels and teal and brown accesories. Is that appropiate?

A It depends upon the color of your finance's linen pants. If they are light colored, wear gray. If they are dark, wear navy blue socks. It should be a solid color. I am not sure who is the bride here. The only person who wears white at a wedding is the bride; therefore, the bride would wear white shoes with her white dress.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:30 Wedding: Outside: Women
Q I am a 48 year old woman whose best friend is getting married at 3:30 in the afternoon outside (not on the beach) in Florida in March. I have no idea what to wear. I would appreciate your help.
Thanks!

A Wear a pretty dress with dressy sandals and a fun hat. I am assuming that the dress code is casual and not black tie. It is mostly about the quality of what you wear rather than the dressiness of the outfit. For instance if you have a wonderful fresh linen dress, you could wear it with a string of pearl, beautiful pumps and small clutch bag to dress it up.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 p.m. Outdoor Wedding
Q Hi, is it appropriate for a 29-year-old to wear a black and white knee-length strapless A-line w/empire waist dress to a July 4:00 pm outdoor park wedding in the Midwest? Dinner and dance immediately following at a lake-side supper club. Invitation style is informal.

A Yes, a knee-length strapless A-line, black and white dress would be appropriate. Wear bone, black, or red shoes, but not white.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm Black-Tie Ceremony
Q Hi Didi:

Urgent - wedding this weekend.

Your website has been, by far, the most helpful, but I do have a couple of questions. Wedding at 4:00 pm in Austin, TX, followed by a dinner/reception at 7:00 pm (Black Tie) in San Antonio. I called the mother of the bride to inquire because I'd been to wedding receptions at the venue (Aygyle Private Dinner Club) and seen lots of older women (I'm 60) dressed in nice suits (not business, more like MOB). I have a beautiful chocolate crepe suit with a lovely neckline, brown patent leather pumps (dressy with cut-out sides), gold pearls with some gold bling, gold bag. She said that sounds great. Do you agree?

Also - what should my husband wear to look right with me? The dressiest thing he owns is a double-vested black jacket with gold buttons. I say that he should rent a dinner jacket and pants, but not a tux. What do you recommend? Thanks so much. SueAnn

A When the invitation says Black tie, then your husband needs to rent a tuxedo. Sorry, I want you to do the right thing here and if all the other men are in tuxedos, your husband is going to feel out of place if he's the only one not wearing a black tie, white shirt, and tuxedo. Just be sure that the white shirt and tuxedo are conservative and tailored to fit him properly. My problem with him wearing his black dinner jacket is the brass buttons, which are sporty. Your dinner suit sounds fine, but I am not sure about the brown patent leather pumps with the gold bag. Patent leather pumps sound a bit tailored with a gold bag. If you have silk, satin, or suede pumps, either in brown or black, perhaps that would be chicer. Alternatively, you could wear the brown patent leather shoes and use a brown or black bag instead of gold. Gold is a bit brash at four o'clock in the afternoon. Of course, there is the option that you leave the gold bag in your car during the ceremony and use it just for the reception.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm Bride's Dress
Q What length should my wedding dress be for a four o'clock wedding inside?


A Your wedding dress length would reflect the formality of the wedding. A formal wedding might allow for a long train and veil, whereas for a less formal wedding the dress might be long but not puffy, not have a train, and only a simple veil. If the dress code is black tie, then it is a formal wedding. So, as you can see, it is not so much the time of day as the dress code. Choose a style either formal, less formal (that is not black tie but navy blue blazers or dark suits), or informal and carry the theme throughout the wedding. If your reception is a seated dinner with a live band, then it would be formal or semiformal. If your reception is a barbecue, then you would not have the men wear tuxedos. Since your wedding is inside at four, but I don't know the plans for the reception, I would say the men would wear dark suits and shoes, the bride would wear a floor-length strapless well-cut, elegant dress with a short veil, and the bridesmaids would wear short strapless dresses, if they are under forty. If you would like to return to my Web site to ask the question again giving more details about the venue of the wedding, perhaps I can give you a more precise answer. For instance, if you are over sixty and have a large build, you probably would not want to wear a strapless wedding dress. So, the more details you can give me, the more help I can be. Also, if the wedding ceremony is not in a church at four o'clock, you would not necessarily wear a long dress.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm Service
Q I am invited to a wedding with a 4:00 pm church service followed by a reception. I have heard that some women will change their dresses for the reception since the service is rather early and in a church. Do you know if it is typical to wear two different dresses?

A It depends upon the time of the reception. If the reception starts at seven o'clock or later and the dress code is formal, then you would change from an afternoon church outfit into a dress that you would wear to a dinner dance.

It is customary to change outfits when there is a time difference of several hours between the service and the reception. For instance, English church weddings are usually held at two or three o'clock, followed by a Black- Tie dinner dance that commences at 7:30 PM. As you can see, there are two different dress codes involved with a mid-afternoon wedding and an evening dinner dance. Since this service is at four o'clock, whether you change or not depends upon the starting time of the reception.

When the reception immediately follows the church service, you do not have to change your outfit. Depending upon your age, I would recommend wearing a flirty cocktail dress, if you are under 45. Otherwise, a dressy skirted suit that falls just below your knees or a dress with sleeves or a jacket would be appropriate. That way you can take off the jacket for the dancing.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm Wedding Casual Cocktail Attire
Q I have been invited to an August 9, 4:00 pm outdoor wedding (held in a canopy or ten)] at a river side resort in Montana. The couple is from Brooklyn, New York - the invitation states "casual cocktail attire". I would guess that Montana tends to be less formal than Brooklyn but I am at a loss as to what would be appropriate to wear for both my husband and me!
Thank You!
Julie

A Not knowing your build, or age, I would suggest that you wear a skirt that falls just below your knees with a pretty blouse, and strappy sandals. I am usually a big fan of a short dress with a bit of swing that is good for dancing, but it might be more fun to wear a festive skirt and blouse. Why not take both and ask the other women guests what they are wearing when you get there? Your husband would wear a lightweight jacket, perhaps a navy blue blazer, with light colored trousers and a collared shirt. He might take a tie in case he gets there only to find out that the other men are wearing ties. I've seen men wearing shorts at casual summer weddings with a jacket and tie, but that might be more of an East Coast look. To get back to you, if you do go the slightly festive route, wear some marvelous beads and earrings, and perhaps a wide belt, with the skirt and blouse. Casual cocktail attire in New York is dressier than it would be in Montana; however since it is a wedding, adding a festive flare to your outfit would make it more fun. In other words, the preppy East Coast look and the tailored New York look might seem a bit stiff in such a laid back, relaxed setting.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:30 pm Black Tie or Not?
Q Having black tie/non-black tie dilemma for the wedding. On one hand, Manhattan in late November and venue is fairly formal (and having formal dinner and dancing party). On the other hand, perhaps a "bit much"? My ceremony is at 4:30 pm in the afternoon (which in my opinion is too early for black tie in the city) and let's be frank, I am not exactly throwing an over-the-top wedding in the Four Seasons. However, I am always happy to be invited to a black tie if only because it's so clear what both men & women are meant to wear. Any thoughts would be welcome!!!!!



A Because it is a 4:30 wedding it is not a black-tie wedding. The chicest New York weddings that I have been to in the past few years were not black tie. If the Bushes didn't have a black-tie wedding, then you know that the trend is non-black-tie weddings. At this moment in time, the trend is not black tie and a black-tie wedding seems pretentious. The exception would be if it was a candlelight ceremony starting at eight o'clock. That is a formal evening wedding these days; usually held in a glamorous (read tacky) ballroom. Dark suits are so easy for most men and little black dresses are de rigeur for most young women at weddings that time of year. I would rather go for chic than formal any day. Anybody can do formal, but to be chic is the ultimate in sophistication.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm Black and White Wedding
Q Is it ok for the stepmother to wear a black dress to a 5pm black and white wedding?

A In my opinion, a black dress is always incredibly chic. If you want to make that little black dress more wedding-ish, load on the pearls. To lighten up the look, wear slightly shiny or shimmery legwear a shade lighter than your skin tone. To summerize the look of the black dress, wear something turquoise of aquamarine, perhaps a ring, brooch, earrings, or a nice, small clutch bag.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm Outdoor Formal Wedding
Q Is it appropriate for a man to wear a teal jacket , navy pants to a 5:00 PM outdoor formal wedding?

A Teal and navy are a great combination, but not for a formal wedding. If the invitation states "Black-tie," you will need to wear a tuxedo, or at the very least a dark navy blue lightweight suit with black shoes. You better check with someone in the wedding party to find out about the dress code because five o'clock is early for a formal wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 Wedding: Women Guest
Q What is the proper attire for a lady to wear to a 5:00 P. M. wedding?

A It would depend upon the climate and the style of the wedding, as well as the age and build of the woman. The invitation should give you clues. For instance, if the wedding is taking place on a beach in Nantucket and there is a reception and dancing in a tent afterwards, you might wear a mid-calf dress with a pretty shawl or jacket. If the invitation states Black Tie, you would wear the kind of dress that you would wear to a dinner dance. If you are under 60, that might mean a flirty low cut dressy dress. If you are older, it might mean a dressy dinner suit or dress with matching jacket of good quality with, say, dressy buttons and trim. Wear comfortable but pretty shoes for the service that are also good for dancing and carry a small, dressy clutch bag. Shawls or jackets are a must because you might be going from a chilly church to an overheated ballroom, so dressing in layers is always a good idea when the venue changes locations. If you would like more specific information, you will have to tell me more about the wedding and yourself and I will help you find a flattering look for the wedding. For instance, I am a big fan of hats and gloves at the wedding that can be left in the car during the reception.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 Wedding
Q What is proper attire for guest of a 6:00 pm wedding? The invitation did not specify.

A As the invitation did not specify "Black Tie," you would not wear a tuxedo or a long dress. What you do wear depends upon your gender, age, build, the location of the wedding, climate, and whether it is a formal, semiformal or informal wedding. We've ruled out formal and time of day, so for a summer, semiformal evening wedding, a man might wear a dark lightweight suit or summer jacket with lightweight gray flannel trousers, a collared long sleeved dress shirt and a summer tie. Black shoes and black or navy blue socks that are high enough so that they don't let flesh show when the man is seated. Or he might wear a navy blue blazer with white pants, a colored or striped dress shirt and a tie with light socks and dark brown shoes. With either, he would wear a belt or suspenders but not both at once.

The location of the wedding reception might give you a clue as to whether you should dress up or dress down. For instance if the reception is a clambake on the beach, you might not wear a tie, jacket, socks or tie shoes or high heeled shoes. However, if the reception is at an expensive restaurant or private club, you would want to dress your best.

A woman might wear a pretty dress that falls just below her knees or is three-quarters length, with sling-back or strappy heels. She might wear a lightweight shawl or scarf and a small decorative evening bag. An older woman might wear a dinner suit in a quality fabric with decorative buttons or a beautiful long sleeved blouse and skirt that falls below the knees with sling-back low heel shoes for dancing, and a pretty evening bag. If the reception is at a hotel or restaurant she might want to be sure that she takes along something to cover her arms in case the facility is air-conditioned. The emphasis would be on simplicity of cut, quality fabrics, and small decorative touches, such as piping and buttons, pretty earrings or brooch.

If you would like to return to my Web site and ask the question again telling me more about the location of the reception and the climate at the time of the wedding, I will give you a more precise answer. I would also need to know your gender, age, and build.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 pm in Arkansas: Woman
Q I'm invited to an outdoor wedding taking place at 6:00 pm in the deep, humid south of Arkansas. I know the bride has told male guests that no tie is required although the wedding party will wear ties. I'm 60 years old and would like to wear a just above the knee print silk dress? Is this appropriate? Thanks.

A I guess it would depend upon the dress and your legs. A moo-moo, would be a no-no. A well-tailored pink linen, silk or linen-silk blend, would be fine. People expect women of a certain age--whether the wedding is in Boston or Arkansas--to be and look elegant, refined, and dignified. Try on the pink print silk dress, look into a full-length mirror and ask yourself, "Do I look elegant? Do I look dignified?" If the answer to either is resoundingly "No," then move on to an alternative.

To start, unless your legs are buff, well-groomed, and devoid of unsightly spots or veins, the length of your dress should end just below your knees. Knobbly knees don't always age well--and certainly don't make you look any younger. You don't want to look like as if you are trying to compete with the ingenues at the wedding. Rethink your priorities. There is nothing, whatsoever, wrong in going for a dignified, elegant look. Dressing your age, acting your age is all about being elegant and dignified. I'm not saying you have to look severe and stuffy, I'm saying look in the mirror. In answer to your question, just above the knee is not appropriate for women over fifty in either Boston or Arkansas.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 pm May Church Wedding + Country Club Reception
Q I'm going to my cousin's wedding at 6 o'clock in the evening" at a Lutheran Church on May 15th, Saturday night. Reception to follow at the Country Club. I am 38 and single, and bring my boyfriend. What do you think would be appropriate dress for the two of us? Thanks so much! Oh, I do like to dress up, but don't want to be over dressed.
Amy

A Assuming that your cousin's wedding is not Black Tie because that dress code doesn't appear on the invitation, your boyfriend is off the hook about having to wear a tuxedo. He can wear either a dark suit with a white collared shirt and a tie, or a navy blazer with grey flannels or dress khakis, black shoes, socks and belt. As you both probably know, country club dress code usually requires a man to wear a jacket and a tie after six o'clock. Your boyfriend can always take off his tie and jacket when the dancing gets going.

Your outfit can be fun. Wear a flirty black cocktail dress that falls just above your knees with beautiful high heels and shimmery legwear a shade lighter than your skin tone. Add a great pair of earrings, a small clutch bag for your pink lip gloss, and a pashmina, shawl, or pretty sweater--as I don't know where this is taking place and it can still be quite chilly in mid-May in the northern half of the country.

You don't have to wear black, but if you don't have a great short black dress, this is the time to find it. I love a short chiffon dress for dancing, but they are not always easy to find. The look you're going for is sophisticated yet fun, and is both elegant and glamorous. Have fun!

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 pm Wedding: Guest: Women
Q Southern summer wedding - what should a female guest wear? Ceremony is outside in a garden of a Victorian house at 6pm. Reception is inside house. Invitation was not formal, but funky. Groom is from England and there will be guests from many parts of the world.

A Depending upon on your age and build, you could wear a silk chiffon flirty floral dress that falls just above your knees. If you are over forty, you might want to look dignified and elegant by wearing a dress with short sleeves that falls just below your knees. Whether the dress is cotton, linen or silk chiffon, the quality of the fabric and design should be your top priority. Beautiful shoes, real jewelry, and a small clutch would be your only accessories.

British women love their hats, especially at weddings, so if you have a special summer hat, this is the time to wear it. However, you would leave your hat in your car before going into the reception.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:30 Black Tie Optional
Q To a July black tie optional wedding, 6:30 p.m. in Houston, Texas, if my husband wears a tuxedo, can I wear a cocktail dress, i.e. plain black Suzy Chin dress, mid-calf length, V-neck in front and back, small-pleated skirt, dressed up with sparkly earrings and Weitzman black satin sandals?


A Absolutely, that entire outfit sounds rather chic, if not quite stunning.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:30 PM Outside Wedding
Q What should a man wear to an outside wedding on the coast at 6:30 pm? Can a man wear a white suit? The reception is at a church after. What should a women wear.

A The only person wearing white at the wedding is the bride. Why not wear a navy blue blazer with cream colored pants? A woman would wear a sheath dress that falls just above or just below her knees, or it could be a short dress with a jacket or a simple, short cocktail dress.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:30 pm Rainy in October
Q I am going to a 6:30 wedding on October 23, 2009. I am a 66 year old female. The weather will be in the upper 60s with rain. What should I wear.

A Sorry for the delay, we had a temporary computer glitch here at the office.

If the wedding is indoors, the rain shouldn't be a problem, just take your umbrella and wear black patent leather shoes. Patent leather is virtually waterproof, while still keeping a very flexible texture, furthermore the glass-like finish catches light, which makes them perfect for more formal dancing.

Otherwise, take a discreet bag for your dancing shoes, and wear your best rain boots. You can change into your dress shoes in the lady's room or cloak room, and check the boots there. If there isn't a coat check, then hang the shoe bag with your boots in it under your raincoat on the hanger, should you fear leaving them on the cloak room floor.

Wear a dress with sleeves that falls just below the knees and your best raincoat. Since I haven't seen the invitation, it is hard to know how dressy that dress should be. Because it is a six thirty wedding, I am assuming that you would wear a very good quality cocktail dress accessorized by a couple of pieces of your best jewelry.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:30 PM Wedding
Q What do women, meaning the guests, wear to a 6:30 p. m. wedding to a church and to a reception at a country club in the Mid-Atlantic states in the summer?

A If the invitation doesn't state "Black tie," then a woman could wear a flirty cocktail dress, the de rigueur little black dress with pearls is always safe. For a summer wedding, she could also wear a pale, floral, chiffon, short dress or short, patterned wrap-dress, either with strappy sandals. An older woman would wear a dressy dinner skirt-suit, a dress with sleeves that falls just below the knees, or a short dress with a jacket; all with sling back, open-toed, low heels. Add a pretty evening bag to any of the above. Stay away from wearing a long dress because a long dress can look dowdy, if the dress code is not "Black tie." For a wedding, the quality of the fabric, design, and jewelry as well as the fit of the dress or suit is what you want to be thinking about.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 7:00 PM Black-Tie Military Wedding
Q What does a female guest wear to a 7:00 p.m. Black-tie military wedding at a Temple? Husband will wear tuxedo.

A A dressy dinner suit with a pretty small hand clutch and dainty sling-back heels. The dressy dinner suit is made of high quality fabric and is often trimmed with a matching or contrasting color and interesting buttons. Because it is a military wedding, I would suggest dressing slightly tailored as opposed to wearing, say, a sweeping chiffon gown, and wear a very pretty dinner skirt suit with white kid gloves and good earrings.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 7:00 pm Wedding
Q My husband and I will be attending my cousin's wedding in South Carolina in July at 7:00 p.m. as well as the rehearsal party the evening before. The wedding is formal and the rehearsal party specified "cocktail attire".

Would it be appropriate for my husband to wear a dark blue pinstripe suit? If so, could he wear the same suit to both events but with a different shirt and tie?

I will be wearing a LBD to the rehersal and a plum tea-length chiffon overlay halter dress to the wedding.

Also what should teen (15 & 16) girls wear to such a wedding? And what about a 4-year-old girl? Would just a cream eyelet lace short dress be appropriate for the 4-year-old?




A If the wedding is a "black-tie," then your husband will have to wear a tuxedo to the seven o'clock wedding. If the wedding invitation does not state "Black-tie," then he could most certainly wear a dark blue pinstripe suit to both the rehearsal dinner and the wedding, with different shirts and ties. If he has a navy blue blazer he could wear that with cream colored pants to the rehearsal dinner, then his suit would be fresh for the wedding. I don't know about your husband, but if there is dancing at the rehearsal dinner, or if it is hot that night, he will probably need a fresh jacket for the wedding the next night. South Carolina in July will be hot, air conditioning or not.

A long black dress sounds a bit dressy for the rehearsal dinner, if the invitation states "cocktail attire." For "Cocktail Attire" you would want to wear a cocktail-length dress that falls at the knees, either just above or just below. The plum tea-length chiffon halter dress sounds fine for the wedding; however, I am not a huge fan of tea-length because that length tends to look dowdy. For dancing there is nothing more fun than a short chiffon dress that moves with the music.

The teenage girls would wear knee-length short dresses to the wedding. I've always found that teenage girls are very good at figuring out which dress makes them feel the most comfortable. Since their comfort is of importance here, I would just take them to a department store with a good selection of junior dresses and let them try on as many as they like until they find the right dress. For the four-year-old, you would want to stay away from white because the only person at the wedding wearing white is the bride. On the other hand if the dress has a wide ribbon of another color around the waist, it wouldn't look so all white.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 7:00 PM Wedding on the Beach
Q We are attending an outdoor 7:00 pm wedding in South Carolina on the beach. What is the appropriate attire for men?

A If the ceremony and the reception are both literally taking place on the beach, then you would wear Casual Attire as opposed to the more formal Cocktail Attire.

However, if just the ceremony is on the beach and the reception is in a tent with a dance floor and tables and chairs, you would wear a jacket and tie, both of which you can take off. Fold your tie and put it in your jacket pocket and place your jacket on the back of your chair.

More specifically, you would wear a light-weight blazer or jacket with dress khaki pants, a collared shirt, bright tie, best loafers, and no socks. The pants can be off-white or colored and the shirt can be short-sleeved, but should be collared and not buttoned-down (no button-down shirts after six pm).

When in doubt check with the bride or groom. If they say that the dress code is Hawaiian shirts, shorts and flip-flops, go for it.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 8:00 PM November Reception
Q I am attending a wedding reception at 8:00 pm the first weekend of November. The bride and groom got married in an exotic location and are having a reception when they return. I am 25 and pear-shaped. I have always had a problem wearing short dresses because I look heavier in the hips and upper legs though I am not overweight. I am about 5' 8" and weigh 160. Are long dresses still appropriate? What about coverage on the top half for November? I have found a lot of sleeveless dresses. I have found a strapless/sleeveless dress with an empire waist that is long and black with silver beading under the bust. Would this be appropriate?

I have also selected a spaghetti strap dress with an empire waist that is a dark fuschia color and also has some beading under the bust. It is long as well with a chiffon/silk overlay on the skirt.

Kristen

A As you did not mention that the dress code is "Black tie," you might feel overdressed wearing an evening dress with silver beading. If it is a "Black tie" reception, the dress sounds fabulous; however, if it is not, you might want to wear a dressy knee-length skirt suit. As you say, it is difficult to find dressy dresses with sleeves, so for a pear-shaped figure, you might want to wear either a halter-style cocktail dress, or a dressy dinner suit because you can always take off the jacket for dancing. Alternatively, it might be more practical to wear a short dressy black dress with a pashmina or beaded sweater. If you really want to wear long sleeves, why not wear a flattering short black skirt with a long-sleeved lace blouse. In my opinion, long dresses can be dowdy and because you are twenty-five, short and snappy would be more fun. As nice as the empire waist dress sounds, it might look a bit too serious and you wouldn't want to appear overdressed. If you do go with the knee-length dress and you are self-conscious about your knees, then make sure that the skirt covers your knees. Another thing that you can do if you have that concern is to wear dressy stockings, either slightly shiny or fine, silky black. Experiment with the color so that a beige doesn't look too orange or tan; instead of covering up your legs, show them off.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: At Home Wedding Ceremony
Q What do you suggest for a bride and groom to wear at their new in-home ceremony besides the traditional wedding and groom attire? This will be an informal wedding at their new home.

A Some of the chicest, nicest weddings are held in the privacy of one's home. As I don't know the age of the wedding couple or the time of year of the wedding, this answer as to what they should wear is quite general. The bride could wear a white or off-white knee-length cocktail dress or a dressy dinner suit. The groom could wear a dark suit with a white collared shirt, or a navy blue jacket with cream-colored pants, a striped tie and black shoes.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Atlanta 5:30 in August: Women
Q I am invited to a 5:30 PM church wedding in Atlanta the end of August. The reception will be in a nearby club. I am 60 years old. If it's Black Tie, I know what to do, but if it's not, any suggestions? I have a tea-length pink linen with a white linen cut jacket with pink beading. Strappy sandals, beaded purse and simple jewelry?

A If the invitation doesn't clearly state black-tie, then you are off the hook about having to wear an evening dress. Since the invitation states 5:30 pm, you do not have to wear a long dress. Because I don't know your style or your build, my best guess is that you should wear a cocktail dress with three-quarter-length sleeves that falls just below your knees.

In my opinion, tea-length is rather dreary unless you are a teenager. Dresses that are too long tend to make older woman look dowdy. Have your pink dress shortened to just below your knee caps and wear legwear a shade lighter than the color of your legs. If the legwear has a bit of shimmer or shine to it, then they will look slightly dressy.

Even if you find out that it is a black-tie wedding, 5:30 is still too early to be in a long dress. You want to look elegant and dignified--which you would look, if you wore a just below the knee-length, dressy skirt-suit (often called a dinner suit) or dress with a matching jacket.

Not sure about the strappy sandals. If you have really great legs and ankles, fine, but when in doubt, don't call attention to areas that aren't your best asset. Strappy sandals tend to cut your legs off from your feet visually and therefore make you look shorter; they are usually worn by those under fifty. Look for a comfortable pair of soft leather or satin sling backs with a small to medium heel that would be comfortable for dansing. A beaded purse sounds a bit dressy for a late afternoon-early evening wedding. A plain colored satin, linen, silk or soft leather clutch would be simpler. Wear your good jewelry, but remember that less is more.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: BBQ Reception at 6:00 pm in Georgia in May
Q What is the proper attire for an evening outdoor wedding? The wedding is at 6 pm and they are serving bbq for reception. I am a middle-aged woman and large. This wedding is in Georgia in May.

A You would probably want to wear an outfit that consists of a loose fitting skirt or flowing pants with a matching flowing, light-weight jacket over a matching shell. Go on line to EileenFisher.com and look at the loose fitting styles, then go to a large department store and look for outfits that follow that style. Stick to one solid color in a soft muted shade such as a blue, grey, taupe, or beige; or a solid navy blue or black.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Birmingham at 6:00 p.m.
Q What attire to wear to a wedding in Birmingham, AL, on a Saturday that starts at 6:00 pm?

A What you wear depends on some huge factors: the dress code, which helps determine the formality of the wedding, your gender, age, and build.

Assuming that the invitation does not state "Black Tie," you are off the hook about having to wear a tuxedo. You would, however, wear your best dark suit with black belt, shoes and socks, a straight collared dress shirt, and a very good silk tie.

If you're a woman, depending upon your age, you would either wear a dressy cocktail dress or a skirted dinner suit (if you're over fifty) that covers your knees, or a flirty silk chiffon dress that falls somewhere above your knees. A six o'clock wedding usually means dinner and dancing, so you will need to wear your sexiest dancing pumps and carry a clutch bag for your lipstick. A good piece of jewelry in Birmingham is always appreciated, and you won't have to worry about a wrap because it hasn't gotten chilly there yet.

You must realize that with the limited amount of info, this is a rather general answer. How dressed up you get, also depends upon the place where the wedding is being held. A wedding at a banquet facility would be less sophisticated then, say, a wedding at a private home or club. Sophisticated doesn't necessarily mean "dressy." It means well-dressed; where less is more and when quality of fabric and design, and not fussiness, are key.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Black and White in Nashville: 5:00 pm
Q Wedding attire - guest - 5pm.

The wedding we will be attending is in May, in Nashville. Church wedding, followed by reception in a nearby country club. The invitation does not specify black tie. The wedding colours are black and white. Would it be appropriate for a mid-thirties female guest to wear a cream and black toile sleeveless dress that falls at the knee along with a black lightweight shawl, shoes and clutch? Is it appropriate for a male guest to wear black slacks and jacket with white shirt + tie?

Thank you.

A Traditionally, if you are not in the wedding party, you don't wear the wedding colors. Although, you can wear variations of the colors, for instance pink if one of the colors is coral, French blue with turquoise, moss green with kelly green. That said, in my opinion, the combination of black + white is very chic and wearing black and white is absolutely fine for both of you. Your outfit, in particular, is perfect.

In my opinion, it would be more appropriate for your male guest to wear a dark suit with a white shirt, silk tie, and black shoes, socks, and belts. "Country club attire" is not as edgy and sophisticated as "clubbing attire." You don't want him to look like a head waiter in a black suit. A "bankers" dark suit would be better. Alternatively, at a five o'clock wedding with a reception at a country club, he could wear a navy blue blazer with grey flannels, white collared shirt, and black shoes, socks and belt. If you don't want to rock the boat and your male guest already has a black jacket and black pants, then that's fine as long as he wears the white collared shirt and the silk tie.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Black Dress to a Spring Wedding
Q I am attending my friends wedding in Boston on May 12th. It is at 5:30 pm. Is it proper for me to wear a simple black dress?? My mother is telling me I shouldn't wear black to wedding. Is she right or just old fashioned? I don't want to insult my friend or feel out of place. Should I buy a new outfit that is spring colors??? Thank you for your help!!!

A For a May 12th, 5:30 PM wedding in Boston, you most certainly can wear a little black dress. Perhaps you might accessorize with dangly earrings or a string of pearls, a small pretty spring bag (turquoise paisley design on a black background) and black or turquoise open-toed sling back shoes. Nowadays, at the chicest city weddings, you might find most of the women dressed in little black dresses and pearls. If the wedding were in Dorset, Vermont, or Northeast Harbor, Maine, I would say black might seem a bit too dressy, but Boston is quite sophisticated. Perhaps, you might wear a spring-colored pashmina or decorative sweater which you can take off while you're eating and dancing that will give your dress more of a springtime look. I understand what your mother is saying and she is correct, but the style at the moment is just as you say, but do add a touch of springtime.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Black Dressy Dinner Suit to Wedding
Q Is it acceptable to wear a black crepe dressy suit to an evening wedding in Dallas, TX?

A It is acceptable to wear a black crepe dressy dinner suit to an evening wedding in Dallas, TX; however, be sure there are some feminine touches: evening bag, pretty shoes for dancing, decorative buttons on the jacket, and good jewelry.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Black Patent Leather Shoes
Q At a 6:00 wedding in June in the South, can I wear a knee-length black dress, black with black patent leather 2 to 3 inch heel to a wedding that has the reception after at a country club? The club reception and the dancing will go on for several hours indoors at the club.

A The dress sounds perfect for a 6:00 PM wedding. Black is the new chic for weddings these days. The only thing that I question---which you obviously do, too---is the black patent leather shoes. Black patent leather is a more tailored look more suitable for daytime and even cocktails, but you need to think of the comfort factor: dancing for several hours in patent leather. You might want to go for a softer shoe, even a strappy sandal, open-toed or sling back. Think about a soft, black suede, satin, or silk texture because that might be more flattering and dressier. If you have small feet, the patent leather should be fine, as long as you're comfortable.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Black Shoes with Brown Dress
Q I am going to a wedding my dress has a lot of brown in it; can I wear black pumps?

A Yes, most definitely black pumps, especially if they are a bit dressy, would be fine with a dress that has a lot of brown in it. Beige might work well, too, if it is an afternoon wedding. Or even red, but since I don't know the other colors in the dress, this is a rather general answer.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Black Sleeveless Dress in Virginia at 4:00 p.m.
Q I am attending a wedding at 4:00 p.m. in St. Mary's Church, with reception to follow outside at a historic home in Colonial Beach, VA. I have found a dress that I like but it is sleeveless and black. My concern is that it will be hot outside and I want to be comfortable. Do you think this would be appropriate with a fancy sandal?

A The dress sounds fine, the only thing that I am not sure about is the date and having bare arms. Do you have buff arms? Will it be warm enough to have bare arms? Dressy sandals would be fine, as long as they are not too glitzy. Go for quality.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Black Tie
Q If black tie is on the wedding invitation, does that mean only a tux is acceptable? Or, is a dark suit appropriate? If men wear a tux, should the woman wear a full-length dress?

A Yes, it means only a tux is acceptable. No, a dark suit is not appropriate, if the wedding invitation states "Black Tie." The woman does not necessarily have to wear a full-length dress.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Black Tie Versus Semi-Formal
Q What is the difference between semi-formal and black tie? Could a gentleman wear a light colored suit to semi-formal evening wedding in a hot climate?

A The difference between semi-formal and Black Tie is this: Semi-formal in most circles today means Cocktail Attire, for which a man would wear a business suit with a collared shirt and a tie of any color. Black Tie calls for the gentlemen guests to wear a tuxedo with a black tie.

Yes, a gentleman could wear a light colored suit to a semi-formal evening wedding in a hot climate. He could also wear a good blazer with pants. At both the gentleman would wear black shoes and a black belt.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Black-Tie
Q We are attending a 'black-tie' evening wedding and reception. I assume my husband 'has' to wear a tuxedo. Is it appropriate for him to wear a black and silver sparkle tie and cummerbund?

Also, would I wear a dress pair of black slacks to the wedding or is a dress the only acceptable thing to wear?

Thank you.

A If the wedding is "Creative Black Tie," then you and your husband can wear whatever you would like: the black and silver sparkle tie and cummerbund and the black slacks. However, the wedding couple sets the dress code and if it is not creative black-tie, then it would be better not to call attention to your outfits. Therefore, your husband would wear either a black bow tie and cummerbund, or a bow tie and cummerbund that are not black, but without the sparkle. In my opinion, a lady would not wear slacks to a black-tie wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Boston at 2:00 pm
Q I will be attending a church wedding in Boston. The service will commence at 2 p.m. I have bought my twelve-year-old daughter a white dress with large blue floral print and a cardigan, my husband a long sleeve blue shirt with a black tie. I have no idea what to wear or if these outfits are appropriate. I am 5'6", 190 and have red hair with white/ruddy skin tone. Can you please shine some light on this issue for me?

A Your daughter's dress sounds pretty. Your husband will need a jacket, black belt, shoes and socks. I'm not sure about the black tie. If he's wearing dark pants, the black tie should be fine. Ideally, he would wear either a very dark suit with a white shirt and good tie, or grey flannels with a white shirt and a navy blue blazer with a striped tie. Again, black socks, shoes, and belt.

You could wear a dress with three quarter sleeves that falls just below your knees. If the neck of the dress forms a V shape, it will make you look slimmer. A waist will show off your curves, and that's always a good thing. Heels with a bit of height will also elongate your silhouette. Black or navy blue would be good colors for a Boston wedding. Stay away from bold colors and patterns. Be sure your pantyhose are a slightly lighter color than your legs. A small clutch bag and pearl earrings will polish off your look. For a wedding in Boston, you want to look dignified and elegant.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Boutonnieres + Guests
Q I am attending my godson's wedding. Although I'm not a member of the wedding party, is it bad form to wear a boutonniere (a different color than the wedding party)?

A No, it is not bad form to wear your own boutonniere in your left lapel to your godson's wedding. If there is one waiting for you at the church, you would be told in advance to arrive early to receive it. There are still gentlemen who wear boutonnieres, just the way there are men who sport a pocket hankie in their breast pocket.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Boys: Flower Girl Escort
Q My 8 year old son is in an evening wedding in New Orleans in mid-May. He will be escorting a much younger flower girl down the aisle (to insure that she makes the walk). She will be wearing an off-white dress. The groomsmen are wearing white dinner jackets, black pants. Bridesmaids are wearing tea-length or knee-length dresses. The ceremony is outside with a reception following inside and outside. The bride has asked that I choose what my son will wear. I do not care for the little tux look but don't know exactly what he should wear. I was thinking of either a flax or white linen suit or tan and white seersucker suit with white shirt and a tie that coordinates with the color of the bridesmaids' dresses. I don't know if this is inappropriate for evening or still too early in the summer. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you !

A The least expensive course would be to rent a white dinner jacket for your son and buy him a pair of navy blue trousers that he could wear with brown loafers. I agree with you about small boys in tuxedos.

What I want to tell you is that if you don't want to buy your son a suit that he might not wear again, you could just get him a navy blue blazer and a pair of white or tan pants that he can wear with a tie in the wedding colors--or even better a bow tie.

If that sounds too informal, you could go in another direction and he could wear a colored jacket, say, light blue, with white trousers. Other than cost, the important thing is that your son is comfortable with what he is wearing because he is going to have to be in the outfit for at least six hours. Before you decide, you might want to find out what the ring bearers are wearing and coordinate your son's outfit with theirs.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Bride
Q Who gives the something blue, something borrowed, something new, something used to whom for a wedding? Are these gifts for the bride?

A No, they are not necessarily gifts for the bride. For instance the something borrowed could be a string of pearls that the bride is borrowing from her mother, sister, or godmother. The something new could be a garter (usually sold in bridal boutiques); customarily the groom takes it off with his teeth. I have never heard of "something used." Borrowed yes, used no. But there is usually something the color blue. For instance the garter might have a blue ribbon or her panties might be pale blue. She could borrow sapphire earrings. So: the bride is not necessarily given these things, they are usually loaned to her by close women relatives, the maid of honor, matron of honor, or perhaps whoever is helping her get dressed. Think of these as talismen, such as a rabbits foot, that are considered trinkets for good luck.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Bride at 42
Q What does a first-time bride age 42 wear to her wedding?

A What is the style of your wedding? Is it formal, semi-formal, or informal? Once you've chosen a style, everything from the invitations to the wedding dress reflects that style. The style is defined by the time of day, the location, and the venue for the wedding. Does the ceremony take place in a church at six o'clock and is immediately followed by a seated candlelight dinner? Or is it a morning ceremony followed by a brunch? For the first you could wear a long white dress with a veil, for the second you would wear a very snappy white suit or dress with a matching jacket or coat that falls just above the knees.

Then there are all those options in between from a destination wedding in Mexico to a ceremony on top of a mountain in Sun Valley where the guests ski down for the reception in the lodge.

More than likely the style depends upon the budget. So I suggest that the first thing you do is talk to your groom about where you want to get married and how many people you want attending your wedding. Then talk to your parents to see how much they are willing to contribute. My last suggestion is to browse through the wedding magazines at a large book store to try to get the feel for the ambiance you are looking for and perhaps for the style of dress that you hope to wear. Another way to help decide upon a style is to go to one of the many bridal shows around the country; they feature fashion shows as well as samplings from the various florists, bakers and bands in your area that specialize in catering to weddings. It is a great way to help figure out what you want and what you definitely do not want.

Decide upon a style and stick to it. Then do return to my Website NewportManners.com once you've chosen a style and ask your question again telling me which style you've chosen with the time of day and the venue. The more information you give me about the wedding, the better I am able to answer your question. You are also welcome to browse through the wedding archives on my site for free information on weddings.

By the way, if the reference to your age means that you're concerned as to whether you can wear a long white dress or not, it is not a factor. If you were previously married and were in your fifties, I would suggest a knee-length, dressy, white dress. At forty-two you can wear whatever suits the style of the venue of the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Bride: Jewelry
Q Is it appropriate for a daughter to ask a father for expensive diamonds for her wedding day? This is not as a wedding gift but as a sentiment gift.
Curious but out of touch father of the bride

A Traditionally, the parents of the bride give her a piece of jewelry to wear on her wedding day, if they can afford it. Lately, the trend has been in dangly diamond earrings.

What you might do is take your daughter to your local jewelry store and let her pick out something to wear on her wedding day, then ask the jeweler if you could borrow the piece for the wedding. A good local jeweler will loan them out in the hope of promoting the piece of jewelry to the groom and the wedding guests. Because it will have a sentimental attachment, the jeweler might be game to loan. If the jeweler won't loan the diamonds, then offer to rent the piece for the day. Believe it or not, this is done more than you think.

That way you will please your daughter because you arranged for her to wear diamonds on her wedding day, but you are saying that she'll have to work for them if she wants to own them. You just might appease her by borrowing them for the wedding. At least she'll know that you're doing your best to make her happy.

It is appropriate for her to ask, if she thinks that there is a chance that you'll want to give her a sentiment gift.

By the way, traditionally, the groom's parents give the bride a piece of significant jewelry as a wedding present, if they can afford it.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Bridesmaids' Dresses
Q My wedding dress is navy blue and white. What color should my briedsmaids' dresses be?

A Your bridesmaids' dresses could be navy blue or green. Certain shades of yellow and pink go quite well with navy blue, so it would depend upon the season. For instance, navy blue or burgundy might be better in the fall and winter, whereas green, pink, or yellow would be best in the warmer months.

Think about the wedding photos and the seasonal flowers that you hope to use in your bridal bouquet and the bridesmaids' bouquets. That should help you decide.

Usually the bridesmaids' dresses are the color of one of the wedding colors. You told me that your bridal dress is navy blue and white, but I would need to know the two wedding colors in order to give you my best answer.

For instance, navy blue and yellow are good wedding colors for spring because there are so many different shades of yellow flowers in season that time of year. Since your dress has navy in it, using navy and yellow would be perfect. Then the bridesmaids could wear navy blue, short, strapless dresses and carry a bouquet with shades of white and yellow flowers.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Bridesmaids Wear Black
Q Is it proper etiquette for bridesmaids to wear black dresses for a 2 o'clock in the afternoon wedding? Should the dresses be tea length due to the time of the wedding? What would be proper wear for the groomsmen? What length is appropriate for mother of the groom for a 2 o'clock wedding? The wedding is to take place at the Cathedral of St. John the Baptist in Savannah, Georgia. We are also considering a 7:30 pm wedding.

A Whether you are considering an afternoon or evening wedding, black bridesmaids' dresses are considered the height of sophistication. Long dresses tend to be dowdy and dreary, especially in the afternoon, so have all the dresses fall just below the knees or mid-knee. Tea length can look drab. The bridesmaids dresses need to be all the same length, just as the silver shoes would be all the same height. The groomsmen could either wear navy blue blazers with cream colored pants in warm climate or gray flannel in the fall and winter, with white shirts and regimental striped ties and black shoes. The mother of the groom and the mother of the bride would both wear a dressy dinner suit or a sleeved dress that falls just below the knees. Traditionally, a 7:30 or eight o'clock wedding is referred to as a "candlelight wedding" and is often black-tie. A two o'clock wedding would not be black- tie.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Bridesmaids: Hosiery, Pantyhose, Stockings
Q I am 35 years old and will be in the wedding party for my sister's upcoming wedding. She has let all of us bridesmaids choose our own knee-length black dress. We are all wearing black heels as well. I am not comfortable going bare legged so she said I could wear pantyhose. Would you recommend a sheer black or sheer color to match my light skin color? My shoes will be closed toe as I have large feet and a very long 2nd toe which looks scary in an open toe shoe. I believe I will be the only one in a pantyhose.

A Go to the Wolford website wolford.com and look for a shade of stockings lighter than your skin tone with a bit of shine. The same shine the other bridesmaids will have from slathering their legs with a shimmer body cream. Click on Legwear, then the color Memor and look at Satin Touch 20 and Neon 40. There is also Pure Energy 30 push-up that lifts and shapes the butt, which a lot of women love. The prices range between $35 and $45 but they last for years when treated gently.

There are less expensive brands such as Donna Karan that are excellent as well. Go to Donna Karan, click on Lifestyle, then Hosiery, and then Nudes, which cost $20. By looking at these examples at Wolford and Donna Karan, you'll get the picture. Your local department store should have either choices. Just be sure to look for sheer or shimmery, and find the lightest tone. You don't want your legs to look orange in the wedding photographs, which often happens when you go for a tanned look.

You wouldn't wear sheer black because the other bridesmaids will be barelegged and your black legs will stick out in the wedding photographs. Either all the bridesmaids wear sheer black or all the bridesmaids have a shimmery skin tone.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Bridesmaids: Shoes: Who Pays?
Q Does the bride have the right to decide what shoes her bridesmaids should buy???

A When the bride is asking the bridesmaids to wear a particular shoe, she gives up some of her rights to pick out the shoes if she doesn't buy the shoes for them. It is difficult to ask people to buy something, if you're not paying for it.

Customarily, the bride and/or the maid of honor will pick out a moderately priced shoe that she wants the bridesmaids to wear on a website such as J. Crew and email the image and description to all the bridesmaids. Then the bridesmaids either buy that shoe or one that fits that description. For instance, some of the bridesmaids might buy the shoe from J. Crew, another might buy a similar shoe from Manolo Blahnik, and another might buy a knock-off of that same style, color, and height shoe at a discount outlet. Therefore the bride should choose a shoe for the bridesmaids that is fairly traditional and can be found easily at different price levels. In doing this, the bride can be assured of getting the look she wants at the price the bridesmaids can afford.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: California at 4:30 pm in March
Q I am attending a 4:30 p.m. wedding at the Pelican Hill Resort in Newport Beach, CA, this March. Can I wear black velvet pants and shell with a dressy jacket and beautiful jewelry? I am an older woman (early 60s...still attractive with a classy short haircut...makeup well done)? I'm not sure whether pants are acceptable and whether velvet is okay to wear in March?


A It is good that you asked. I am not a big fan of women in pants at weddings unless that is your only style of dress--your trademark. Velvet would be too warm to wear in Newport Beach, CA, in the late afternoon. Since you are still attractive, why not wear a sheath with a matching jacket or light weight coat, or a silk spring suit that is well-made and tailored to fit your figure. You ask if it is okay? No, it is not okay.

After looking at photos of the Pelican Hill Resort on the Internet, it is hard to imagine guests wearing velvet at a 4:30 pm wedding. Palm trees and velvet don't mesh. In my opinion, you would keep the shell, dressy jacket and beautiful jewelry, but substitute the velvet pants for a beautifully tailored skirt, or a chiffon skirt that falls just below your knees and pretty shoes.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: California at 5:30 PM Black Tie
Q What would you wear to a black-tie wedding at 5:30 PM in California? The wedding and reception are at a resort, and weather will be warm. My husband has a tuxedo, do I need to wear a floor-length dress? (I am in my thirties.) I have a teal satin floor-length dress that is strappy on top.

A You do not have to wear a long dress to a 5:30 PM black-tie wedding. At a warm weather resort, a silk chiffon dress with a flirty skirt that falls just above your knees would be perfect with beautiful shoes.

Of course, if you wish to wear a floor-length dress, you certainly can do so, but for dancing at a resort in warm weather, you might feel more comfortable in a short chiffon with a skirt that has some swing to it. A long satin dress sounds a bit hot for a warm summer night.

You asked what I would wear: I would wear a pale chiffon dress, perhaps with a floral pattern, that falls just above my knees and really good quality, elegant, open-toed, sling-backs with a medium height, thin heel. I would accessorize with a soft cloth clutch, a pearl necklace or beads, and a colorful cocktail ring on my right hand.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Can Mother of the Groom Wear Black
Q Is it ok for the mother of the groom to wear a black dress to a very small, immediate-family only wedding?

A Queen Victoria in 1840 set the dress code for weddings by wearing a white wedding dress and dictating that black was not to be worn by women at a wedding; however, times have changed and since there is no rule other than Queen Victoria's, you might wear what you wish. However, you might want to run the idea of your wearing a black dress pass the bride and her mother. If it is a city wedding, black is fine; however, wearing black at a country wedding in a rural area might make you feel overdressed.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Can the Mother of the Bride Wear a Pantsuit
Q Is it appropriate for the mother of the bride to wear a pantsuit instead of a dress????

A Personally, I do not feel it is appropriate for the mother of the bride to wear a pantsuit to her daughter's wedding. The dress code for the wedding is set by the bride and groom, so it is really the bride's call to tell the mother of the bride what she should or should not wear.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Can the Mother of the Bride Wear Black
Q Can the mother of the bride wear black to the wedding?

A If it is an evening wedding, yes, by all means the mother of the bride can wear black. However, if it is an afternoon wedding, she might not wear a black suit or dress because she would not want to look as if she is going to a funeral. An alternative to black for a morning or afternoon wedding might be navy blue or beige.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Cancun: Four O'Clock Ceremony
Q Hi Didi My husband and I are invited to a Cancun wedding on Saturday, October 4th, 09. I am 5 ft and I weigh 128; my husband is 5"5 and he weighs 165. The ceremony is at 4 pm with the reception to follow on the beach unless it rains. Help please..... what should we wear?

A What fun that should be!

I gather it is not a black-tie wedding, thank goodness. You could wear a pretty cotton sundress with high strappy sandals. Your husband can wear a great Hawaiian style shirt with white or khaki shorts or trousers and sandals without socks.

The dress code in Cancun is from "Anything Goes" to "Clothing Optional." You will see some pretty creative outfits, especially after dark when you go clubbing. Nevertheless, you might want to wear a bikini under the sundress that you wear to the wedding ceremony.

You and your husband cannot go too far wrong with whatever you wear that's tropical; however, you just might dress slightly more daytime-ish to a four o'clock wedding--knowing that you can change into something more creative later on when you go clubbing.

Beware, because it is rumored that the bartenders in some of those clubs put funny pills in ladies' drinks.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Casual Attire
Q I'm going to an afternoon-evening wedding in June and the invitation indicated "casual attire". How casual does that mean? I was thinking of wearing a cotton sundress or even a cotton knit dress...would a knit be too casual? Also, would black be appropriate in this case? Thank you so much.

A When unsure about what to wear for an occasion when the invitation sounds vague, talk to close friend of the bride, if not the bride herself, and ask advice. Unless you are a large size person and need black to make you look slimmer, save black for night. Traditionally one is not supposed to wear black to a wedding, especially in warm whether. It is more appropriate to wear a cheerful color or print. The cotton sundress sounds fine especially if you accessorize with a pretty hat, strappy sandals, and one good piece of jewelry. "Casual attire" means the wedding will be relaxed and fun.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Casual Attire, No Tee Shirts
Q Is it proper etiquette for the wedding couple to put a dress code on their website for their wedding? This couple put under dress code casual attire, no tee shirts.

A Yes, it is totally proper for a wedding couple to put a dress code on their wedding Web site. It is their wedding. This wedding is all about them. They want their family and friends to understand the informality of their dress code as seriously as another wedding couple might insist on all the men wearing tuxedos.

By stating "no tee shirts" they are defining the dress code to mean: nice casual clothing but no tee shirts. Notice that they used the word "attire" as opposed to "clothing." That is your clue that quality is more important than being hipster/biker/cute/grunge/goth/retro.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Casual Dress
Q What do would I wear to a 3:00 pm wedding with casual dress on the invitation? I am 52 year old female and have lost 95 lbs. help

A As I don't know the climate or location of the wedding, this is a very general answer. You would dress more warmly for a wedding in Burlington, Vermont, than in Taos, New Mexico.

If you live in the North, you could wear a well-tailored warm suit or a long-sleeved dress, that falls just below your knees, with a coat and sensible yet pretty pumps for dancing. In the South, you would wear a short sleeved dress that falls just below your knees and a pretty hat. The nice thing about an informal three o'clock wedding is that you can wear a nice hat.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Charleston Six O'Clock Reception in October
Q Party after wedding 6 to 10 pm, invitation says casual will be held at a park in Charleston S.C. in October - I am over sixty, what should I wear?

A If you are a man, you would wear either a two-button dark poplin suit with a white collared shirt, silk tie, and dark shoes and socks, or a pure cotton, two-button seersucker suit with white bucks. Alternatively, a navy blue blazer with dress khakis or grey flannel pants are always classic.

If you are a woman, you would wear a dress with sleeves that falls just below your knees, or a beautiful blouse with a long skirt. If you have a decent figure, you can wear pants with a gorgeous tunic. As the reception is outside, you will want to wear flats or pumps because high heels will sink into the grass, if the soil beneath the grass is damp.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Charlestown, Ma., at 5:00 pm in May
Q Hi Didi,
I'm attending a wedding in Charlestown, Ma., at the end of May at 5 o'clock. I'm on the heavy side and would appreciate any suggestions for attire.

A What you wear would depends upon so many factors: the formality of the wedding (Did the invitation state Black Tie?), your gender, and age. Since I know nothing about you, or the event this is a general answer.

For a five o'clock wedding, you would wear a dark suit, with a white shirt and silk tie, along with black shoes, socks, and belt. If you are, say, in your twenties, you could wear a dark navy blue blazer with grey flannel pants or dress khakis, with the same accessories.

A woman would wear a dressy skirt suit that is nipped-in at the waist. A sheath with a matching jacket or pretty sweater would work as well. Luckily, you are off the hook about having to wear a long dress because it is a five o'clock wedding, so there is one thing we know: no long or tea-length dress. Women over a certain age tend to look dowdy in lengths more that an inch below their knees. You would wear beautiful shoes and carry a small clutch. As I said, if you are over forty, you want to look dignified and elegant. A well-tailored outfit that follows your curves would flatter your figure, whatever your age. If you are under forty, do wear a dress with a flirty skirt good for dancing.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Chesapeake Bay: 6:30 pm in August
Q We are invited to a 6:30 PM wedding at the Chesapeake Bay Beach Club, August , 2010. Can I wear a below the knee back empire waist dress with a satin sash, empire line? The top of the dress is a faux lace overlay with a diving neckline with short capped sleeves. The top is off-white over the black and the design is tulips. I bought cut-out fabric sandals in black to wear.
I also have an ankle-length brown gauze dress, with a ruffle on the bottom. It has an elastic bust with two straps over the shoulders. I wear it with a brown short shrug. I have bronze and yellow accessories, earrings, necklace and bangle bracelets. I have a yellow, short- heeled sandal to wear with the dress.
Which dress would be more appropriate? I would wear pearl earrings and short pearl necklace with the black dress. HELP ME! I am 61 years old, but I keep my wardrobe young and fresh and updated appropriately. I am a size 14, short and I know what to cover up and what not to, at my age. HELP...........

A The black cocktail dress that falls just below your knees sounds perfect with the pearls. Since I am not a huge fan of long dresses because they tend to make most women look dowdy, I would forget the long brown dress with the shrug. Especially if you're short, go with the short dress.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Chicago 5:00 pm in May
Q I am attending a 5:00 pm wedding at the end of May (in a suburb of Chicago). It will be held on a golf course with the reception to follow in the clubhouse. My husband is the best man. What kind of attire would be appropriate? A black cocktail dress or a mid-calf black and white printed dress?

A The mid-calf black and white printed dress would be more appropriate for a spring wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Chicago Country Club 6:00 PM
Q I'll be attending an evening reception (6:00 p.m.) in November. The location is at a country club in Chicago. The couple will be married a month earlier on an island. What's the best attire for a 30 year woman?

A Wear a flirty cocktail dress that falls just above your knees and high heels. The dress can be draped, wrapped, or tailored, but if there is dancing at the reception, you would want the dress to have a skirt with a enough fabric so that you can dance comfortably. Make sure the dress fits your body to a T. If it doesn't, take it to a good dressmaker, or tailor, and have it altered to fit you as if it was made just for you.

To accessorize, carry a small clutch bag and wear a great pair of earrings. Take a warm coat and gloves because Chicago can be cold in November.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Color Clothing Not to Wear
Q What colors of clothing should the guests not wear to a wedding?

A Guests should not wear white to a wedding. The only woman wearing white at a wedding is the bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Color for Mother of the Groom
Q What color dress does the mother of the groom wear?

A The mother of the bride wears navy blue or beige.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Country Club at 5:00 pm
Q What should I wear to a 5pm wedding..reception is at a country club. There will be cocktails, dinner and dancing. Could I wear linen white pants with a dressy blouse and sling-back shoes?

A In my opinion, you wouldn't wear white linen pants unless you were a man and it was a summer wedding or the wedding was taking place in the tropics. As I have no idea of your age, gender, build, or the dress code, I would recommend country club dress code, which for a five o'clock wedding would be a cocktail dress with a flirty skirt, if you're under fifty, and a dressy skirt-suit or sheath with a matching jacket if you are older.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Country Club at Five O'Clock
Q I am attending a 5 o'clock church wedding with a dinner and dancing reception/sit down dinner at a country club. I live in Ohio. The wedding will be early May. Attire was not requested on the invitation. Do I have to wear a long dress? Is it okay for me to wear a knee-length dress?

A Please don't wear a long dress. If the dress code Black Tie is not stated on the invitation, you are off the hook about having to wear a long dress. I have no idea of your build, age, or style, but for a five o'clock church wedding followed by a seated dinner and dancing at a country club, you would wear a very good cocktail dress that depending upon your age would fall above your knees or just below your knees. Wear beautiful shoes with a heel, but not too high because you'll be dancing. Your legs will look best in quality legwear that is a tone lighter than your legs and that has a slight shimmer to it. May can be chilly in Ohio, so you want to have a pashmina or dressy sweater to wear if there is a chill in the air. A pretty clutch bag is always chic. Pearls are de rigueur for weddings, so if you have them, wear them or buy good imitations.

About the dress. A lot depends upon your build and age. If you're under 45, by all means wear a dress that has a flirty skirt that makes dancing fun. If your arms are not as buff as you wish they were, wear a dress with short or three quarter length sleeves. Remember that a dress with a V neck will make you look slimmer and that a dress that shows your curves always flatters your figure.

If you are older, a dressy dinner suit or a dress with a matching jacket are both perfect for a wedding. A dress with a matching light-weight coat is lovely as well. The older you are the more dignified and elegant you want to look.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: D.C.: 5:30 PM
Q What do I wear to a 5:30 wedding in DC? The ceremony and reception is being held at the Meridian House? I am in my 30's. Thank you!

A This is a general answer as I don't know the formality of the wedding---if it's Black Tie, for instance. Nor do I know your gender, build, or coloring.

Assuming from your email address that you are a woman, you would wear what you would wear to a very up-scale restaurant or a dressy cocktail party. Wear a flirty cocktail dress with great shoes and a small clutch bag.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Dinner Attire
Q I was invited to a Saturday evening wedding, followed by a reception (may be a sit down dinner)- the invitation says "dinner attire". What does that mean?

A "Dinner attire" means that you will be seated at a table with a tablecloth and waiters will serve you so you would wear a well-cut business suit. As I don't know your gender, you would have to go back to my Web site and ask the question again if I guessed wrong and tell me your age and whether you are large or small; I will answer your question in a timely fashion. Also, you can click on Frequently Asked Questions on my Web site and scroll down and you will find Dinner Attire appropriate for men and women.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, didi

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Dress Length
Q I am attending a 5:30 wedding in Mississippi. The month is November. My question concerns the length of the dress. The dress is a brown silk with a bolero jacket. What is the correct length? At present the length is about half way between my knees and my ankles. Do I need to hem the dress or leave it where it is?

A Not knowing your age or build, this is a rather general answer. If you are over fifty, then the hem of your dress would fall just below your knees. Otherwise, the hem would fall just above your knees. The problem with a tea-length dress is that if you don't have the right build for the dress, the dress wears you. Shorter is snappier. Tea- length tends to make most women look dowdy. Pin the hem of the dress up and look in a full-length mirror to decide which length suits your age, height, and style.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Dressy Casual
Q As the parents of the groom, my husband and I are hosting the rehearsal dinner. We are sending out invitations (in large part to get guests' entree choices) and want to indicate expected attire. Is the term "dressy casual" appropriate?

A The term "dressy casual" is an oxymoron. Dressy is dressy and casual is casual, they are opposites. You might find it would be less confusing to use the word "Informal" in the lower left-hand corner of the invitation across from your RSVP. "Informal" will tell your guests that the dress code for the dinner is not Black Tie, but it is dressy. Nowadays "casual" means jeans and "dressy casual" might be interpreted as designer tee-shirts, jeans and cowboy boots.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Elegant Casual
Q This is the info I have: Oct 18, 4:30 Asheville, North Carolina, The Country Club of Asheville. Wedding invitation basic. Bridesmaid said their dresses are "elegant casual"(didn't specify length). MOB is wearing a dress like you would wear on Sunday morning to church (tea- length). My question: would a pantsuit be appropriate if I wear the right accessories? Houndstooth (long..like a dress jacket) jacket with dressy black pants? and a blouse in a fall color or is that too casual?

A In my opinion you would not wear a pantsuit to a wedding. The dress code states "elegant casual," which is why you feel that you can wear a "casual" pantsuit; however, "elegant" is not a houndstooth jacket with pants.

Picture young women dancing in short, strapless, chiffon dresses and you'll see what I mean. It sounds as if you are keen on the jacket, so why not wear a short, dressy, black skirt instead of the pants?

I'm not sure about a fall color for the blouse, a pretty white one might be more elegant. As for accessories, a good pair of gold earrings and an interesting brooch or necklace would go well, depending upon the neckline of the blouse. Again, think of pretty pumps for the dancing and carrying a small clutch bag in a fall color.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Engagement Party Attire
Q What is the proper attire for an engagement party? It is being held in a restaraunt.

A The invitation will give you the clue you need to know how to dress. Check out the restaurant, either online or in person; if the restaurant is high-end and the waiters are wearing white jackets, the tables are covered with table cloths and there are fresh floral arrangements, you would dress appropriately. If you are a man, you would wear a lightweight summer suit, or a blazer and gray flannel pants, a long sleeved shirt with an attached collar and a tie, your shoes would be dark and your dark socks would cover the flesh of your leg when seated. If you are a woman, you would dress the way you would dress to go to a cocktail party, by wearing a dress. Depending upon the time of day of the party as well as the climate at that time of year, along with the style of the restaurant determines, you should be able to determine what to wear. If the restaurant is a fine old Irish pub with waiters in khaki pants and open blue collar shirts and there are peanut shells on the floor, you would dress down. To dress down, you would not wear a tie and you probably would take off your jacket at some point. A woman would be comfortable in a pair of well-cut slacks and a pretty blouse or thin sweater.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Escorts and Divorcing Couples
Q Wedding etiquette: I am a bridesmaid and I was in the process of getting a divorce more than a year and a half ago. My dear friend addressed the invite to myself and my gentleman friend. We were honored to accept and RSVPd 9 months ago. Unfortunately, my legal spouse has delayed the divorce proceedings and as a colleague of the groom (who is also my dear friend and gave him a job because of me) was invited to the wedding at the last minute two weeks ago as the groom felt awkward when he quite bluntly assumed he was invited in front of other colleagues. The groom even pointed out that I was a member of the wedding party and my legal spouse blithely said he didn't mind, thus they felt forced to invite him, which is of course their prerogative.

My gentleman friend is travelling from Europe to attend this wedding and the holidays at my home and we had already purchased the tickets when my friends let me know of this situation. He has never met my ex and is appalled at the idea of having to, especially in such a situation and would like to regretfully decline to attend. What is the correct thing to do as I must attend and it seems impolite for my friend to withdraw at this late date?

A In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with your gentleman friend escorting you to the wedding. Would he rather have you invite another escort, or take you himself? You have done nothing wrong here in assuming that you and your gentleman friend should attend. Tell him that you and your ex-husband are civilized, intelligent people who both accept the fact that the marriage is over and that you are both free to move forward. Who knows, the ex-husband might even bring a date, then you would be sorry that you hadn't encouraged the gentleman friend to escort you. If you are legally separated, there is no reason whatsoever why he cannot escort you to the wedding. You are correct, it is impolite of your friend to withdraw at this late date because it means that you do not have an escort, and it is probably too late to ask one of your guy friends. Why not telephone your gentleman and, in your most wispy voice, tell him that you were very much looking forward to having him do the honors and that you would rather have him escort you than any other man. That way you're not threatening him, but you are being honest by saying that he is number one and you don't want to invite number two. Be slightly mysterious about the fact that you would have to have an escort because there will be dancing. If you can get him to put himself in your shoes, he might fear that he has competition; he might start worrying that you'll find someone else. Tell him that it is perfectly acceptable for a legally separated person to take a date to a wedding. If he out and out refuses to escort you, he might be using this as a way of ducking out of visiting you for the holidays. Could it be that he doesn't think that he has the proper attire for the occasion? You might run the dress codes for the wedding past him so that he knows exactly what is expected of him because many European weddings require men to wear cutaways, which are expensive to purchase and difficult to rent. My guess is that there is something else going on here, which is why he is reluctant to go to the wedding. It might not even have anything to do with you, it might be as simple as not knowing what to wear. Believe it or not, men can get just as intimidated by dress codes as women. Find out exactly what the other male guests are wearing and casually drop that information into the conversation. If he would also be escorting you to the rehearsal dinner, or, say, the post-wedding brunch, give him that dress code information, as well. Even if you think that he is savvy about what to wear, the dress code drill might not have been made crystal-clear to him and he needs to know exactly what is expected of him in terms of his attire for the wedding weekend. Don't assume that he knows what to wear. On the other hand, early on at the start of divorce proceedings, customarily lawyers advise their clients not to flaunt a new relationship too soon for fear of losing a bargaining edge. As you have been separated for some time now, your lawyer would probably say that it would be fine for you to have him escort you. If you think that might be what your gentleman friend is thinking, than ask your lawyer and assure your friend that your lawyer says that enough time has passed that his presence as your escort wouldn't be an issue. If he still is reluctant, tell him quite gently, that it is not a big deal and drop the subject.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Evening Bag at 6:00 pm
Q Is it proper to carry an evening clutch bag to a formal wedding held at 6 pm?

A Yes, you can carry an evening clutch to a formal six o'clock wedding. Formal dressing starts at six o'clock, so an evening clutch would be most appropriate.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Five O'Clock Service
Q My wife is 51. We are attending a 5:00 PM wedding. She wants to wear a red dress which has a red jacket. What kind of shoe and what color should she wear? This is a Fall wedding indoors. The dress is long. She dresses very conservatively. She really never wears heels.

A In my opinion, your wife shouldn't wear a long dress to a five o'clock wedding. If she does, she will feel overdressed. She could wear her best cocktail dress that falls just below her knees and has sleeves. Alternatively, a dressy skirted dinner suit in a fine fabric would be a good fit. If she doesn't normally wear heels, she doesn't have to because pumps and ballet style flats are very much in fashion.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Five O'Clock Wedding: Women
Q I'm attending a 5 o'clock wedding in Boothbay, Maine, August 2nd . The wedding is going to be outside . The bridesmaids are wearing a tank-style baby blue dress just below the knee. I think a satin material The reception is then going to be inside the inn. I'm not sure if a black dress would be ok or a sold color dress, what length to wear, or even what color. Would it be ok to wear a strapless dress? Please help.

A Yes, do wear a strapless, but maybe not black. If it were a big city wedding, I would say black is where it's at, but Boothbay, Maine, is more laid back. Depending upon your build and age, you can certainly wear a strapless dress that falls just above your knees. The color would depend upon your coloring. I, personally, love white chiffon with a floral pattern dress that has a good swing for dancing, with strappy sandals. Alternatively, a wrapdress or a silk sundress would be fine, too. For a solid color, you wouldn't want to wear baby blue; any color but red would be fine. At a wedding, you wouldn't want to draw guests' attention away from the bride by wearing red. As to length, I am not a huge fan of long or tea-length dresses, as they tend to make most women look dowdy. If you're under fifty and your legs are fairly decent, by all means, let the hem fall just above your knees. Older, the hem should fall just below the knees.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Five O'Clock Wedding: Women
Q What is proper attire for a 57-year-old aunt of the bride to wear to her niece's wedding at 5:00 p.m. July 10th at Padua Hills Theatre in Claremont, Ca.? Where is the best place to shop for this type of dress for Size 16? Thank you!

A It all depends upon whether or not this is a black-tie wedding. Let's assume that five o'clock is a bit early for a black-tie wedding and that the wedding is what is called "cocktail attire." Meaning that you would wear either a dressy skirt-suit or a cocktail dress. As the mother-of-the bride sets the dress code for her gender and generation, ask her to e-mail you a photo of her outfit. If she doesn't have one, then ask her to explain it or ask to see it. Even if you just find out where she bought it, you can go on-line and look for it yourself, if you have a good description and the name of the designer. If you just have the name of the designer, you can go directly to the designer's Web site to find the outfit that fits the description of your niece's mother's outfit. Then look on that Web site to see where there is a store near you.

In general, a size 16 woman would wear a well-tailored dress with three-quarter length sleeves, a skirted dressy suit, or a dress with a matching jacket. Since I don't know your coloring, I would say to stick to beige, or darker shades of blue, green or burgundy. If you know that it is a dressy wedding, then shades of taupe or silver can be most flattering.

Women our size need to look for good quality in the fabric and design, as well as the experience of a good tailor to give us a bit of a nip to our non-existing waistline.

Not knowing the dress code for your niece's wedding, this is a rather general answer. Try going on-line to some of the major designers and stores for examples of the above suggestions and perhaps an outfit will catch your eye. Designers that I personally like for our size are: Carolina Herrera, Anne Klein, Dana Buchman, Max Mara, Donna Karan, A-K-R-I-S, Armani, and Eileen Fisher, to name just a few.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Five Thirty In Vegas
Q I am attending a wedding at 5:30 pm in Vegas. I have a right above the knee black satin dress kinda form fitting. What type of shoes, earrings and necklace if one is needed?

A Any sparkling, dangling earring that you would wear in the evening would be smashing. Strappy high heels are always fitting for a short black satin dress. They don't have to be black; silver or gold would work, too. Whether you wear a necklace or not would depend upon the earrings. If the earrings are significant, then skip the necklace, but you could wear a cocktail ring.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Five Thirty Wedding: Men
Q My daughter is having a wedding on October 4th at 5:30 pm in a small church in a small town. The groom is wearing a coat and tie. She wants the groomsmen to wear matching pants and white shirts with matching ties. Should they be wearing suits in a church at that time of year and time of day?

A No, the groom and groomsmen do not necessarily have to wear suits. They can wear navy blue blazers with gray flannel pants, dark belts, and dark socks with black Gucci-style loafers, along with collared white shirts and striped ties in the colors of the wedding colors. However, I would suggest that the fathers wear dark suits with solid colored ties in the wedding colors. As you no doubt know, the wedding couple usually chooses two colors, which become the color theme of the wedding; those two colors are played out in the bridesmaids' dresses, flowers, decor, and in the ties of the men in the bridal party. If it was a more formal wedding, starting after six o'clock, then all the men--in the bridal party as well as the guests--would wear dark suits or tuxedos. The dress code follows the formality of the wedding and visa versa.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Florida and White Shoes in March
Q I will be attending a wedding in Tampa, FL, on March 4th. What is appropriate dress? I am from MI and don't wear white shoes or handbag until after Memorial Day. Is it okay in FL since it will be about 80 degrees to wear summer dresses and white shoes or sandals?

A Yes, the wearing of white is determined by the climate because white is easier to wear in the heat than darker colors.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Florida at Five O'Clock
Q What do you wear to a 5:00 pm wedding in Florida? It is at the beginning of May and the service will be held in a chapel with the reception to follow at an activity center. I am 27 years old and roughly 5 feet tall so I am unsure if I need to wear a long or short dress? I am afraid of being too dressed up or not dressed up enough. My husband is part of the wedding party and will be in a tuxedo so his attire does not help me at all.

A Wear a pretty dress with a flirty skirt that falls just above your knees and great high heels. Take along a colorful scarf to cover your arms if the chapel or activity center is air- conditioned. Add a small clutch hand bag for your lip gloss and you're good to go.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Formal Attire
Q The wedding invite says "Formal Attire requested", does that mean a Tux? The wedding is at 6:00 pm on a Saturday.

A Formal attire means that a male guest has the option of wearing a tuxedo or a dark suit, with a white collared shirt, silk tie, black shoes, belt and tie. In other words, if you don't own a tuxedo or if you would rather not wear a tuxedo, then a male guest can wear a dark business suit.

Formal attire for a woman means that she does not have to wear a long dress; depending upon her age, she can wear a knee-length dressy skirt-suit (sometimes called a dinner suit) or a cocktail dress.

When in doubt, ask someone in the bridal party or a member of the family. However, even if the bridesmaids are wearing long dresses and the groomsmen are wearing tuxedos, your hosts are not requiring guests to wear tuxedos and women to wear evening dresses. If your hosts were requiring male guests to wear tuxedos, the dress code Black Tie would be printed on the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Formal Garden Wedding: 2:30 pm
Q I am attending a wedding in October. The church service is at 2:30 and the reception is in a tent at a formal garden. The invitation for this wedding is formal but states that women should wear appropriate shoes. Help!! I am at a loss as to what I should wear. I really appreciate any suggestions. By the way, this will be in Illinois.





A Early afternoon garden weddings--no matter how formal the gardens--are rarely formal, so you wouldn't wear a floor- length dress or shoes with high heels.

Even if the reception is in a tent, Illinois will be chilly in October at an outdoor wedding which means that you might want to consider a short dress with a sweater; or if you are older, you might opt for a pretty skirt suit that falls just below the knees. Other alternatives would be a long-sleeved dress that falls just below the knees or a sheath with a matching jacket or coat. By the way, an afternoon wedding is the perfect excuse to wear a wonderful hat that goes with your outfit.

Because you will be walking on either grass or pebbles--and remember most tents are not floored--you would wear beautiful pumps or a low heel. Pumps are very chic these days and you'll be right in style. If the ground is dry from lack of rain, heels should be fine, if they are not too pointy. On the other hand, if the ground is soft from a lot of rain, most heels will sink into the ground which is why your hosts are cautioning you not to wear your stilletos to their garden wedding. Beautiful boots paired with a short dress is the chic look this Fall, so if you can pull it off, do it.

As I don't know your age, build, or style, this is a rather general answer.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Formal Two O'Clock Wedding
Q Hello Didi,

One of my co-workers is getting married and the invitation says the the wedding is at 2:00 pm and the attire is formal.

What do I wear????

A If you are a woman, you would wear a very good cocktail dress. Don't wear a long dress because you'll feel silly in a long dress at that time of day. If you are a man, sadly, you'll have to wear a tuxedo, or at the very least a very dark suit with a white shirt and dark tie and shoes. Try to get away with the dark suit because you'll feel like a head waiter at that time of day in a tuxedo.

What kind of cocktail dress depends upon your age, build, the date, and location. If you've got a good figure and are under 45, you can wear a flirty cocktail dress that falls just above the knees. If you are more mature, then you would wear a skirt suit and dress it up with beautiful shoes and bag and real jewelry. The best thing about a two o'clock wedding is that you can wear a beautiful hat.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Formal: Five O'Clock: Atlanta
Q What do you wear to a 5 pm wedding in Atlanta in August; reception at a private club; formal invitation?

A Depending upon your gender, if you are a man, you would wear a tuxedo when the invitation is formal. South of the Mason-Dixon Line (which divides the North from the South, as any state south of Pennsylvania and Delaware is considered to be in the South), he also has the option in the warmer months to wear a white dinner jacket with black tuxedo pants, a collared white dress shirt, and a black bow tie, along with black leather shoes and black garter-length socks.

A woman would wear a dressy short dress, dinner suit, sheath with matching jacket, or blouse and skirt, that, depending upon her age, either falls just below her knees or just above her knees (if she is under fifty).

A five o'clock wedding, even though it says formal is not as formal as an eight o'clock wedding, which is why the woman probably wouldn't wear a floor-length dress to a wedding that starts before six o'clock. Since long dresses tend to make most women look dowdy, the option to wear a short dress is usually taken.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Four O'Clock Wedding: Mother of the Bride
Q I would like to know if it is ok for me as the MOB to wear a mid-calf length dress. The bride has a very full cinderella type gown and bridesmaids are all wearing long dresses. I think the MOG wants to wear a long dress too. I am a size 0 petite and not quite 5' tall and feel I look better in a short versus long dress. The dress is navy silk sleeveless The wedding is 4PM early november in VA. The dress also comes in full length so I really could do either, what do you think?

Thank you,
Carol



A In my opinion, long dresses and tea length dresses are rather dreary and very dowdy looking on most women over the age of forty-five. For a four o'clock wedding the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom would look better in a dressy dinner suit, say, a silk suit that falls just below the knees in a soft color with nice details and dainty gold or silver heels. For a four o'clock wedding, I certainly wouldn't make the bridesmaids purchase long dresses. Why not have them wear a solid color, perhaps navy blue, short strapless dresses that they will be able to wear again and again, also with gold heels. I always think that at a four o'clock wedding the bride should be the only person wearing a long dress, as well as the only woman wearing white. The long dress look with the mothers and the bridesmaids, if it is not a candlelight eight o'clock dinner dance, is so over. Make it a chic four o'clock wedding and focus on the quality of a shorter designer outfit made of a better fabric, rather than having everybody wearing dreary long dresses that nobody will want to wear again. As for sleeveless, think of the wedding pictures. Unless your arms are incredibly toned from lifting weights or plastic surgery, upper arms on women over forty do not photograph well; when you see those wedding pictures, you might wish that you had worn a chic, dressy, fitted dinner suit to your daughter's wedding. My advice to you, especially if you are petite, is to stay away from that awful MOB look that most bridal shops try to sell and find an outfit that suits you and that you will wear again. Go with your gut: if you look better in a short dress, wear a short, chic suit that hits just below the knees and beautiful high heels.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Friday Night
Q What do you wear to a Friday night wedding?

A Hey, what you wear depends on so many things, such as your gender, the venue (is the reception at a BBQ or a hotel ballroom?), and the invitation. A good invitation clues guests into what to wear. If the invitation is engraved on very, very heavy paper, then you know to wear your very, very best outfit. If the invitation looks like a flyer made up at a copy store, dress dressy casual: in other words, you're not going to wear flip-flops, cargo pants, bare mid-drift, wife-beater undershirt, jeans, or shorts.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Georgia 4:00 pm in November
Q Wow! Your site has been most helpful! However, I'd like an answer specifically for me. What is the appropriate dress attire to wear to a 4 o'clock wedding in November? Location is at a former Catholic Church in Georgia. I'm a mid 20's female and the wedding is for a co-worker. I don't want to appear too dressy. Also, what should my husband wear, he refuses to wear a jacket? Thanks so much! -MC

A Thank you for your kind words, but I am afraid that your husband is not going to go along with my answer. If the wedding couple were getting married on a farm, then he could dress as a farmhand, if they had chosen a mountain top, then he could dress as a ski bum, if the marriage were taking place on a beach in Hawaii, he could wear a lei around his neck and not much more. The problem is two-fold: Because the wedding is being held in a church (even though the church no longer holds services and has parishioners), the bride will most likely be wearing a conventional wedding gown and her groom a jacket and tie; therefore, your groom should wear a jacket and tie, as well. When in Rome, as the saying goes, do as the Romans do. The second reason is that I don't want your husband to feel uncomfortable being the only man over the age of 21 who is not wearing a jacket and tie during the ceremony. Why don't you compromise? Remind him sweetly that when he gets to the reception he can take off his tie and jacket and dance up a storm.

You, my dear, are free and clear to wear a fun cocktail dress with high heels. Yes, of course, you can wear some dowdy long dress that is not as dressy as an evening dress, but I want you to have fun with your husband and co-workers, so wear something slightly daring. Perhaps a pashmina over your shoulders during the ceremony, but if you have half-way decent legs, show them off and wear a dress that you can have fun dancing in and have a good time.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Georgia at 6:30 PM in April
Q What do you wear to a wedding in April to an outside wedding at 6:30 p.m (in Georgia)?

A Of course what to wear would depend upon your gender, age and build and the level of formality of the wedding. Since I don't know those details, I'll have to guess here, so forgive me if I'm off base. Outdoor weddings are usually informal, but that doesn't mean jeans and flip-flops. It means that a woman would wear a knee-length, flirty but flattering cocktail dress with strappy sandals if she's under fifty, or a dressy skirt suit or sheath with matching jacket or shawl and sling back low heels if she is over fifty. She wouldn't wear a long dress unless she is going for the ethnic look of a long skirt with a pretty peasant blouse, interesting beads, and strappy sandals. Long dresses tend to look dowdy at receptions such as this, so don't wear one unless there is no alternative. Apparently the invitation didn't state black-tie, therefore a man would wear a navy or gray lightweight suit with a collared shirt, tie, and polished shoes. A navy blue blazer or other good jacket with light weight gray flannel slacks or dark khakis, would also be appropriate. Even though the wedding is not formal, you would wear your best informal dressy clothing and shoes and of course your best jewelry. Just a few pieces, but weddings are the perfect time to wear your pearls or cufflinks. Those small details and being well-groomed are important.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Granada, Spain, November, Three O'Clock
Q What should I wear to a 3:00 PM wedding in Granada, Spain, in November? The reception is going to be outside, and the temp is 50's. Close friends and family only. I want to look hip and classy, but not freeze (I'm Texan). The mother of the bride is wearing a gown. I thought that was reserved for after 6. I'm 47. The bride is hip - music biz.

A Assuming you are a woman, you could wear a really good medium weight skirt suit, conservative, but trendy, with beautiful shoes and bag. That way, when you do go inside to dinner later, you can always take off the jacket for dancing, if you have a teddy or pretty shell on underneath the jacket. Alternatively, a straight short skirt with a long tailored jacket. It is hard to say which, because I don't know your height or build. Trust me, you do not want to be traipsing around Granada at three o'clock in the afternoon in a long dress.

My guess is that if this is like most European weddings, the afternoon ceremony and reception with champagne and cake will be followed later that evening with a seated dinner. Guests will probably retire and change clothes before rallying for a late dinner. With that in mind, you might want to pack a great wrap-dress (cocktail) dress, high heels, and a warm shawl to wear out to dinner.

A man would wear a medium weight dark suit with a beautiful striped collared shirt and tie, black shoes, belt, and socks.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Grandmother of the Bride
Q What is appropriate for the grandmother of the bride to wear to an afternoon wedding?

A Whatever you do don't wear a long dress. Why not wear a lovely dressy silk suit with pretty buttons that falls just below the knees, matching shoes and bag, a beautiful hat and off-white kid gloves? Alternatively, you could wear a silk sheath with a matching jacket or coat, or a dress with long sleeves. Check with the bride about the wedding colors, because you wouldn't want to wear the same color dress as the bridesmaids. As I don't know your build or coloring or the style of the wedding, this is a very general answer. If you have a lovely brooch or pearl necklace, wear it.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Grandmother of the Bride
Q Is it appropriate for a woman over 75 to wear a strapless formfitting formal dress to her granddaughter's wedding? (mermaid style)

A Women over a certain age tend to look dowdy in long dresses and unless her arms and abs are buff, she certainly wouldn't show bare arms and wear a skin tight dress. A dressy dinner suit that falls just below the knees is far more attractive, dignified, and elegant for the grandmother of the bride than the aging mermaid look. Alternatively, a dress with sleeves or a sheath with a jacket would be appropriate.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Grandmother of the Bride
Q I am the grandmother of the bride who is having an outdoor wedding at 6 p.m. in July. She has not requested any particular style of dress. She said we can wear anything that will look good in the pictures and that is cool and comfortable. The reception is going to be a sit down affair inside. I don't do well for a long period of time in air conditioning, so I was thinking about something that has some type of sleeve in it. I recently lost 40lbs so my under arms are somewhat flabby. Her mother is wearing a long light blue dress. Her colors are dark blue and a brick or burnt orange so she said no red. Should I wear a long or short dress/suit? I have found several long dresses that have various types of jackets at Dillard's which I like. They are dressy but not formal wear and something I could wear again.

A I am not a huge fan of women over a certain age wearing long dresses because I feel that they make most of us look dowdy. I like the idea of a short dress with sleeves or a jacket, or a dressy skirt suit that falls just below the knees. Any shade of beige or taupe is always flattering for the mother or grandmother of the bride or groom. Sleeves are a blessing at most any age.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Grandmother of the Bride
Q I am 60 years old and my granddaughter is having a church wedding at 3:00 on August. 1st. Is it appropriate for me to wear lavender, light weight, long sleeve, below the knee ensemble?? Also can you recommend shoe style??...Thank you.

A That sounds like the perfect ensemble for the grandmother of the bride. I would recommend good quality, beige, soft leather pumps with a slight heel. Sling-backs might be the most comfortable because you can adjust them as you see fit before the wedding. Alternatively, you can have a pair of satin sling- backs dyed to match the color of your outfit.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Grandmother of the Bride
Q Could I as a 60-year-old grandmother wear black to granddaughters' wedding in august....3:00 p.m. church wedding??

A You could wear black to your granddaughter's church wedding in August, especially if the ceremony is taking place in a large city. Black can be hot in August and not all churches are air-conditioned, so you might want to opt for a dignified beige. Since I don't know your coloring or build, this is a rather general answer. Most big city churches are air-conditioned these days, so you might be absolutely fine in black, just be sure to wear beautifully soft black shoes with your black outfit.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Grandmother of the Bride: 3:00 pm Service
Q My granddaughter is getting married at 3 in the afternoon. Her mother will be wearing a long dress and of course the bridesmaids. The other grandmothers are wearing pant suits or something with pants - is that appropriate? I really hate to invest in a dress because I never wear them. Her colors are champagne and brown. I currently have a brown suit I am thinking of wearing - it has both pants and a skirt with it. The jacket is called a cardigan cut - it looks fairly dressy.

A Do wear the brown suit with the skirt. I'm not a huge fan of women over a certain age wearing pants or long dresses. As the grandmother of the bride, you want to look dignified.

It would be nice if you could soften up the brown suit with a lovely beige hat. Hats are great for three o'clock weddings. A pretty hat would give your brown suit a fresh look.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Grandmother of the Groom
Q My grandson is getting married August 23rd. The attendants are wearing royal blue and silver. I would like to know if it would be ok if I could wear a navy blue long dress. The dress is sleeveless but has a jacket. My concern is if navy blue would be too dark for an August wedding. Mother of the bride and groom are wearing silver. I most likely will accent it with pearl jewelry and light shoes. Please reply ASAP. Thank you

A It would be fine to wear a sleeveless long navy dress with a matching jacket. Don't be concerned about navy blue being too dark for an August wedding. Navy blue is a very chic summer color. The white of the pearls will summer-it-up. What I am not happy about are the light shoes. It would be far better to wear navy blue shoes, or even black. Never wear light colored shoes with a dark dress, unless they are a metallic silver or gold.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Grandmother of the Groom Floor-Length Dress
Q The mother of the bride is wearing a floor-length dress. Does etiquette require that the grandmother of the groom also wear a floor-length dress?

A No, floor-length dresses, except at, say, an eight o'clock evening candlelight wedding, tend to make older women look dowdy and frumpy. A silk dinner suit that falls just below the knees is much more elegant and dignified.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Grandmother Wants to Wear Pantsuit
Q The bride is getting married in November in a small evening non-church wedding. The bride's mother is battling with the bride's grandmother (who is 85 years old) over the grandmother's insistence on wearing a pants suit -- not a dress -- to the ceremony. The grandmother hasn't worn a dress in 30 years and does not wish to start now (and there are mobility issues for her that preclude being able to put on pantyhose). The bride's mother is insisting that Grandma wear a dress and heels in the wedding party's colors (the color choice is also an issue for the grandmother). How would you rule on this?



A Since this does not appear to be a particularly formal wedding, the grandmother doesn't have to conform strictly to formal attire. Perhaps instead of a tailored pantsuit, the grandmother can compromise by wearing a lovely soft flowing skirtpant (wide legged soft pants), or a long skirt, topped off by a beautiful blouse or tunic. It is important for the grandmother to be comfortable and mobile because it will be a long night for her. It is also possible to find soft decorated flat shoes made of a dressy fabric, an equally dressy clutch, and a soft shawl to wear as accessories. Because the grandmother would be compromising by wearing something closer to a long skirt or pantaloon than a trouser, the mother might compromise by letting her wear a color of her choice. The grandmother does not necessarily have to wear the wedding colors. She can wear a color, or colors, within the palette of the wedding colors. For instance, if the wedding colors are blue and yellow, the grandmother could wear a moss green. Have the grandmother and the mother make a deal in which they both make compromises. You might also remind them that the wedding is not about either of them; that the wedding is all about the daughter and her groom, both of whom will pick up on the unpleasantness of this situation if it isn't resolved amicably and quickly. Good etiquette is all about compromise, compassion and consideration, so make it work. As you know, the mother and grandmother are role models for the daughter; how they handle the situation will teach the daughter the importance of compromise - a lesson that she will surely need to know going into marriage.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Grandmothers of Bride and Groom
Q My granddaughter is having a six o`clock wedding. Should
I wear A long dress or can I wear one that falls below the
knee or if her other grandmother wears a long dress, should
I wear a long dress also?


e...

A I'm with you, I think women of a certain age look ever so much more elegant in a dress that falls just below the knees. Just be careful not to wear nude pantyhose or stockings because they tend to look less elegant. In photographs nude or tan colors often show up too orange looking. You want a dressy stocking or pantyhose that is a slightly lighter color than your legs--they'll look dressier.

In my opinion, long dresses tend to make older women look dowdy. I always feel chicer when I'm wearing a really good silk suit that's tailored to fit me--so that I'm wearing it and it's not wearing me, if you know what I mean. A sheath dress with a matching coat would also be appropriate. The grandmothers of the bride and groom should look elegant and dignified. Not frumpy and dowdy. If you get the opportunity, as soon as possible let the other grandmother know what you're planning on wearing. Say, "I'm wearing a beige silk suit that falls just below my knees." Then it is up to her as to what she wears. Customarily the grandmother of the bride chooses the style for the grandmothers and lets the groom's grandmother know immediately. However, all you can do is to make a suggestion by relating what you you have decided.

If the groom's grandmother tells you that she is wearing a long dress, it doesn't mean that you have to wear a long dress, too. And you don't have to be dressed alike, although it would look better in the wedding photos and going down the aisle if you both were wearing knee-length dresses. Who knows, she might be relieved that she doesn't have to wear a long dress.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Groom + Groomsmen
Q Is it okay for the groom and groomsmen to wear beige to a morning wedding in a church in August or is the black tux more appropriate?

A In my opinion, beige suits would not be appropriate because there are so many different shades of beige. Think ahead to the wedding photos where the various different shades of beige will be evident and you might then wish that you had gone with a dark color. Why not have all the men wear navy blue blazers with cream colored pants, white collared shirts with a striped tie in the wedding colors? The older men, say, the fathers of the wedding couple, could then have the option of wearing a navy blue light-weight suit with white or blue collared shirts and solid ties in one of the wedding colors. With this slightly more casaual look you would want to designate the shoes so that all the men wear, say, black Gucci-style loafers or a less casual brown loafer. The color of the belt would, of course, match the color of the shoes. The groom's present to his groomsmen could then be the wedding tie, belt, or shoes of the dress code.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Groom + Groomsmen: Braces + Suspenders
Q At my daughter's outdoor wedding, she has a very formal wedding dress. The groom and his groomsmen do not want to wear tuxedos. They will be wearing black pants, colored shirts to match the dresses and a painted tie (done by the groom). I have suggested that wearing silk suspenders would look nice. Would that be appropriate, are suspenders in sytle? Thanks

A What? No jackets? The groom and groomsmen do not have to wear tuxedos, but unless this is a Texas hoedown, the men should wear jackets. The key to a chic wedding is choosing a style and sticking to it. If the bride is wearing a very formal wedding dress and the men are not wearing tuxedos, then I suggest that the men wear either navy blue blazers with cream colored pants and a tie with the wedding colors, or navy blue or black suits with colored shirts and the painted ties. If the men are wearing jackets, then by all means, it would be appropriate for them to wear suspenders. The only hitch, not to pun, is that some men are not comfortable wearing suspenders. Another thing is that not all pants have the waistband to accommodate suspenders, so you would have to be sure that all the men order the same trousers. At a very formal wedding, either all the men in the bridal party would wear suspenders or, alternatively, belts the same color as their shoes. Perhaps the best man should take a poll of the groomsmen to find out how many are in favor of suspenders (or braces, as they are also called) and how many are not. If only the groom wants to wear braces, he can wear braces and the groomsmen can all wear belts the color of their shoes, which presumably would be black and worn with black socks. Remember that the painted ties would perhaps be best matched with a solid color suspender.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Groom and Groomsmen
Q We are planning our daughter's wedding. I need help choosing what the groom and groomsmen will wear. The wedding will be June 26th in North Carolina outside on the lawn of a family estate. The bride will come out of open french doors, cross the terrace and out onto the lawn to be wed. The invitation is simple, traditional, engraved with a side fold. The wedding will be at 6:00. (I will write another question about that in a moment.) The reception will be indoors at a club. The bride will wear a strapless a-line gown of lace with a veil that reaches just to the end of the train which is short - perhaps 18 inches or so.
What should the groom and groomsmen wear as far as formalwear? A tux (with cummerbund or vest?), a white tie? White jacket? Are tails worn anymore? Even though the wedding is outdoors, I expect the male guests will wear suits because of the time and invitation. Do you think that is right?
Thank you for your help.

A The plans for your daughter's wedding sound splendid, and I would be happy to be a sounding board for you and your daughter over the course of the next nine months. It is my understanding that the plan is as follows: the ceremony will be held outdoors at the family's estate immediately followed by a reception inside a private club towards the end of June in North Carolina.

As this is not a seven o'clock Black-Tie wedding, there is no need to put a dress code on the invitation. Therefore, you can expect that gentlemen guests will wear dark business suits or dark jackets and slacks.

What the groom wears should be left up to him. The groom, his father, brother(s,) and best man decide between them what their dress code will be. Dark suits would be fine. Also, a lot of men are deciding on navy blue blazers with cream colored trousers, a white shirt and a striped tie in the wedding colors (which the groom would supply).

Alternatively, the men in the wedding party could wear white jackets with tuxedo pants and a black bow tie. Whichever, the men would wear black leather shoes (possibly Gucci-style loafers) with black garter length socks and black leather belt. The fathers of the bride and groom would definitely wear very good dark suits.

If you moved the wedding to seven o'clock, then you could have the groomsmen wear tails but then the invitation would state "Black Tie". Six o'clock is too late for morning clothes, which in this country are occasionally worn to morning and afternoon weddings, but if the reception is a seated dinner, the men would change into black tie for the reception, which makes it complicated for out-of-towners. It is just one too many costumes for them to have to worry about.

It has been my observation that the least amount of items the groomsmen have to worry about the better. It is one thing to forget to bring one's cuff links, but another to forget one's studs. The chicest weddings these days are not black-tie weddings, so, please, do not feel that the groomsmen's dress code has to be formal, because it does not. Most men in that age group have good blue blazers, whereas they might not have a good tuxedo and, if they do, there are so many variations on style of tuxedos that you would want them all to be the same style. A groomsman should not be expected to buy a tuxedo for this one occasion, as splendid as it may be.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Groom: Seersucker Suit
Q My son will be getting married April 24, 2009, it will be an outdoor wedding, bridesmaids will wear tea-length, but the bride will be in a long gown, he wants to wear a seersucker suit, is this proper, or would a tux be more appropriate?


A If it is not a black-tie wedding and the ceremony is performed in the afternoon in a warm climate, then your son can wear a seersucker suit with white bucks, gray socks, a white shirt and a solid color tie. The wedding couple usually choose one or two colors as the wedding colors; his tie would be one or two of those colors.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Groom's Father's Attire
Q I am father of the groom and not in the wedding party, per se. Must I wear a tux or can I wear a nice suit? My son is no help.

A If the father of the bride is wearing a tuxedo, he is your reference for dress code. You might feel more comfortable if you dressed up, rather than feeling awkward underdressed. Get the name of the tuxedo shop where your son is renting his tuxedo and go in and ask because the men usually use the same place for their tuxedos so that they all match. A good rental shop will have the wedding registered and be able to tell you what the men will be wearing. Also, the time of day of the wedding tells you whether or not you should wear a tuxedo because evening weddings can well be black tie, meaning tuxedos. If you still don't have a clue, pick up the telephone and call the bride's mother.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Groom's Mom Wants to Wear Pants to Wedding
Q Would it be proper for the mother of the groom to wear a dressy pant outfit to the wedding?

A No, a dressy pant outfit to your son's wedding would not be appropriate unless you are a cross-dresser and don't care that people know.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest Register
Q What would be the appropriate attire for the guest registrar to wear at the wedding?

A It would depend upon the dress code of the wedding and the gender of the guest registrar. If the person is a man, he might wear a dark suit, white shirt, black shoes and socks, the tie would fit in with the color scheme of the wedding, and he would wear either a boutonniere or a white handkerchief in his jacket breast pocket, but not both. A woman might wear a well- cut skirt suit with one of the wedding flowers pinned above her left breast.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: 2: PM
Q I am going to a semi-formal summer wedding at 2pm. I want to wear ivory ruffle long sleeve blouse with black thin patent leather belt, dressy grey capri, dressy 1" multi-color pointed toe pumps. But I am not sure if I should wear pearls around my neck to complete my outfit? Also I am not sure if I can get away with a pink leather purse of black?

A It all sounds great except for the capris. Even if you're eleven years old, you wouldn't wear capris to a semi-formal wedding. Wear a pencil or short skirt instead. Then you can wear the pearls. Somehow pearls and capris just don't make it. You can say the combo would be too much of a good thing, or that capris are just not the right thing to wear with pearls.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: 2:00 PM: Newport
Q I am a guest invited to a 2 pm church wedding in Newport in July. I am in my late fifties, any ideas? I am about a size 12 and I do not want to be too hot...I am from Miami and am sure the protocol there is different. I am only finding fabrics here suitable for winter, cold-for some reason...heavy and dark colors...

A The temperatures in Miami this time of year I assume are in the high 80s to high 90s; in Newport, RI, they range from low 70s to high 80s during the day. If you have such a thing as a linen dress with short sleeves, that would be perfect; or a sheath with a matching jacket. A light-weight skirt suit would be perfect. All would fall just below your knees, or just above your knees depending on the shape of your legs. You certainly wouldn't wear anything longer in the afternoon.

If you're only finding dark colors, go with a navy blue or black and lighten up the darkness with a very pretty chic hat and beautiful shoes. Look on-line for day dresses and outfits in your local department stores. I'm a big fan of Eileen Fisher who does a lot of different styles in linen blends. Remember that we don't have as much air conditioning here in Newport as you do in Miami, so you do want to wear a light outfit. Ice blue and beige always seem elegant and dignified at a wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: 3:00 PM Ceremony
Q Urgent! I need help! I am a female who has been invited to a 3:00 wedding at a Presbyterian church in Williamsburg, VA, with the reception at a country club at 5:00. The invitation does not mention anything on the attire, but it is written in script and in black ink. I have bought 2 different dresses. With the style being long dresses now- a-days, would a long dress be inappropriate to wear to this wedding or should I go for the shorter dress?


A You would not wear a long dress to a three o'clock wedding because you would feel silly. Most women look dowdy in long dresses. These days shorter dresses are the way to go.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: 4:30 in the Park
Q Hi Didi,
4:30 pm wedding at a park, followed by reception at the Museum of Science in Minneapolis. Young-looking grandmother and very young-looking aunts (fit and healthy and appearing ageless) as well as two uncles wonder what we should wear. Read your column, which you suggested more specific info would glean more specific suggestions. Thanks for this wonderful service!
Very sincerely,
Kay Metherell
director@silverstar.com

A Assuming that this is a summer wedding since the ceremony is taking place in a park, you would not wear formal attire. On the contrary, the women would wear great day dresses, perhaps cotton sundresses with strappy sandals and the men would wear light colored slacks and jackets with collared shirts and colorful ties, and brown shoes, but not necessarily socks.

More specifically for the women, pretty, cheerful dresses or skirts with beautiful blouses. The length would be just below the knees or above the knees. Less of a tailored Ralph Lauren style and more of a flirty, festive look. Because I don't know your builds or coloring, this is a really general answer.

You might also think about the weather, because if it's been raining a lot, you wouldn't want to wear heels that are too high because they will sink right into the moist earth. It can still be sunny and hot at 4:30 PM, so a straw hat with a colorful band of flowers would be the perfect look for a late afternoon wedding in the park.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Afternoon
Q I am going to a 3:30 PM wedding on a Sunday. Should I wear a short dress or a gown?

A Wear a short dress for an afternoon wedding no matter what the day.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Beach in the Fall
Q My husband and I are attending a 4:00 wedding on the beach this weekend. Although we are in the South, it is going to be quite chilly. I have a brown sweater dress that I thought I might wear with tights and heels. Do you think that would be appropriate? If not, any suggestions are welcome!

A Instead of the heels, which might sink into the sand making it difficult for you to keep your balance, why not wear a beautiful pair of soft, tall boots.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Black Dress
Q I am going to my boyfriend's brother's wedding next weekend. The wedding is at 1:00, and I have two dresses I am considering wearing. One is a knee-length turquoise dress. The other is a black, knee-length dress with pink trim and a pink silk belt. The black one looks much nicer, but is it okay to wear it to the wedding?

A Wear the dress of better quality. Whichever dress is the best well-made will probably fit you the best. The dress that fits the best will flatter your figure the most. Don't worry about wearing black. Black is very popular right now to wear to a wedding. Just don't look over-dressed by wearing too much jewelry, or having too many accessories. Keep it simple and chic, and you'll be elegant.

When in doubt, look in the mirror and take off one accessory.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Champagne Colored Dress
Q If you are a wedding guest, can you wear a dress which is a champagne color?

A If you consider the dress a beige and not a an off-white, champagne is always a very chic color. It is the classic color dress to a wear to a wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Five O'Clock Church Ceremony
Q Can my husband wear a medium wheat to light brown colored jacket with dark pants to a 5 pm church wedding in VA (Aug. 29)? and would a black dress be an appropriate color for me to wear? I wear a size 16W.

Thank you.

A If the jacket is a good cut and made of high quality material, the medium wheat to light brown jacket should be fine; however, instead of the dark pants, he should wear a pair of lightweight grey flannels. If he would rather wear the dark pants, then he should wear a darker color jacket.

It is quite fashionable to wear a black dress to a five o'clock wedding, as long as it is not a long dress. You might want to lighten up the all black look with a pearl necklace and pearl earrings.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Four O'Clock Winery Wedding
Q What would you wear to a 4:00 pm semi-formal early September wedding held at an outdoor winery in central California if you were a 40-year -ld female? I was thinking black pant suit with a light shawl.

A Since I don't know your crowd, this is a rather personal answer.

You could certainly get away with wearing a black pant suit with a light shawl to an outdoor wedding at a California winery, but you might find that you'll have more fun in more festive attire. A beautiful silk tunic with pants or a festive blouse and skirt, both with strappy sandals, would be far and away more fun to wear to a winery wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Four Thirty Coastal Wedding
Q My husband and I will be attending a 4:30 wedding on Sat., Sept. 19. The wedding will be in church with dinner and dancing to follow at a Coastal location, possibly outside. What is the appropriate dress for both of us? The invitation is sort of formal in appearance.

A I apologize for not getting back to you sooner but I've been away in Bar Harbor, Maine, at a family burial.

To get back to you. If the invitation doesn't specify that the dress code is "Black Tie," then you are off the hook about having to get all gussied-up, which means that your husband won't have to wear a tuxedo. He can wear a navy blue blazer and grey flannels pants with a collared shirt, black leather belt and shoes, and dark socks. Tie of his choice. Alternatively, a dark grey or dark navy blue suit would be quite suitable.

It also means that you won't have to wander around in a dreary long dress. Wear what you would wear if you were going to an upscale restaurant. According to your age, a cocktail dress or skirted dinner suit would be appropriate. The younger you are, the flirty and shorter the dress. The older you are, the more tailored and dignified the dinner suit or sleeved dress, with an emphasis on quality of construction and fabric.

Since I don't know which coast you're on, it is hard for me to gauge the weather. In the Northeast, if you're not wearing a dressy skirt suit or a dress with a matching jacket, you'll need a dressy sweater here, because at 4:30 PM it is about 60 degrees.

Since the invitation is "sort of formal in appearance," dress well and dignified, but simply. No flashy colors, print, or sequins. Do wear good quality jewelry, shoes, and clutch bag, if you have them.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Man: Navy Blue Suit
Q We have been invited to a 6:30 Episcopal church wedding the 10th of April. Is it ok for my husband to wear a navy suit or does it need to be black? The reception is outside at the parents' home.

A A dark navy suit should be fine. If he wears a white shirt, that does not have a button-down collar, along with a good silk tie, preferably in a bold stripe, your husband will be very well dressed. However, he should wear a black belt, black shoes--even if they are loafers--with black socks.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Men in Black
Q Is a black shirt and pants with a white tie and grey linen jacket appropriate for a Sunday lunch wedding reception, at the Bedford Post Inn Farmhouse restaurant - private ceremony took place on a different day?

A In my opinion, if this is a country Sunday wedding reception, a black shirt and black pants sound rather dreary. In winter that would be fine, but I am assuming that this reception is this spring or summer. A seersucker suit with white bucks might be more appropriate. Alternatively, a navy blue blazer with cream or colored slacks, or a light weight navy or grey suit would be most fitting for the occasion. Of course, a white shirt and a colorful tie would work with all three.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Monogrammed Shirt
Q A debate is going on amongst my co-workers whether or not a man should wear a monogrammed shirt to a family function, such as a wedding. He will also be wearing a jacket, he is a guest and not a member of the wedding party.

A There is nothing wrong with wearing a monogrammed shirt to a family function. Some people have all of there shirts monogrammed.

Others would be upset to see the monogram on the cuffs of the shirtsleeves, but I find it amusing.

Sorry, but I don't understand why this is up for debate.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: October Outdoors
Q What do you wear to a four o'clock wedding that is outside in October?

A It would depend upon your gender, build, age, and the climate at that location. Therefore, this is a rather general answer since I don't know the dress code or the location of the wedding.

If you are a man and the wedding is in a relatively mild climate, you would wear a classic, two-button cotton poplin, dark suit with flat front pants, or a navy blue blazer with dress khaki pants or grey flannels. With either of these outfits, you would wear a white, long-sleeved, collared shirt that is not buttoned down, a silk tie, with a dark leather belt and shoes, and dark socks.

If you are a woman, you would wear a dress with sleeves that falls just below your knees, with a light sweater. If you are of a certain age, you would wear a skirt suit or a dress with a matching jacket. Since you might be walking on grass outside, you will need to wear shoes that don't sink into the ground if the soil underneath the grass is damp from previous rain. A beautiful pair of pumps or low heeled shoes should be fine, along with a clutch bag, and a good piece of jewelry. I'm a big fan of hats at outdoor weddings, so if you have one that matches your outfit, this is the time to wear it.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: White Evening Dress
Q I have been invited to a formal wedding in early April. I have a georgeous winter white evening gown with beading across the bodice that I just love. Is it inappropriate to wear a white gown to a wedding?

A I am terribly sorry, but you aren't going to like my answer. As a guest, you cannot wear white to a wedding. The only woman wearing white at a wedding is the bride. You will be making a horrendous faux pas, if you wear a white dress to a wedding. The other advice I can give you is not to wear an evening gown. The long dress look at weddings is so over. The only time you would wear an evening gown to a wedding would be for an eight o'clock formal wedding. Then I still wouldn't. Most women over a certain age look dowdy in a long dress. I don't know your age, your build, or the time of the wedding but depending upon those three, why not wear a short flirty chiffon dress, or if you are over a certain age, why not wear a really dressy dinner suit that has a skirt that falls just below your knees and lots of good jewelry.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Woman: 5:30 pm Church Wedding
Q 5:30 pm wedding, historic college chapel, reception at nice restaurant (though I can't attend it), and in SC with high temperature of 43 degrees F in December.

Because I can't attend the reception, my attire is probably less formal than it needs to be. But maybe not. I'm trying to blend what I've heard about Christmas weddings and black being en vogue. Please let me know if this outfit is a mistake. I am wearing a black velvet, fitted jacket over a red holiday top with black skirt that stops right at the knee and has a little flounce to it at the bottom though it is not made of sheer or other super lightweight fabric. It is also a matte black color. Also I plan to wear black heels, but am unsure if they should be conservative pumps or strappy heels due to the occasion and cold weather. Also unsure if I should wear tights or hose and what color if so. The time of day, weather, and fact that this is a Southern wedding are all confusing me at this point. I am 30ish yrs. old and plus sized. Even though I am not attending the reception, since everyone else will be dressed accordingly, I don't want to stick out like a sore thumb. I've always struggled with putting my best fashion foot forward, so any advice you can give to spare me embarrassment is much appreciated.

A Thank you for all the details. It makes it so much easier. I am sorry you are not attending the reception because I think your outfit sounds great for the reception as well as the church. Since you're not going to be dancing, I would skip the strappy sandals and be comfortable in beautiful pumps with stockings a slightly lighter shade than your legs. And play down the jewelry. You will be fashionable, elegant, dignified and mysterious--because you won't be showing up at the reception.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Woman: Five O'Clock at a Yacht Club
Q My grandson is having an outdoor wedding at a yacht club in July. It will be at 5:00 p.m. I am 81 years old and am wondering what to wear.
Thank you,
Bonnie Garrison

A A good summer suit or skirt with a coordinating jacket. A dress with a lovely thin cardigan would work, as well. The length would fall just below your knees and you would wear practical low-heeled, soft shoes or flats that you've worn in. If you do wear stockings or panty hose, make sure that the color is as light as your skin and not darker. Good opaque hose will cover any slight imperfections in skin tone. Then accessories with a couple of pieces of your very best jewelry. For instance, pearls and your favorite brooch. Most importantly, you can wear a chic, but dignified, hat.

If you are heavy set, then wear navy blue or beige.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Woman: Ten O'Clock AM at Ski Resort
Q How would you suggest a guest should dress at a 10 a.m. wedding, being held at a ski resort in February? The invitation doesn't suggest much in the way of a dress code, but the invitation itself is quite non-traditional in nature, so I'm guessing it won't be too formal an affair.

A It depends upon whether the ceremony is outdoors or in. Believe it or not, wedding couples do get married on the tops of mountains and ski down to the reception in the lodge. My guess is to wear your best ski or apres ski clothes, which would include anything with fur. Fur boots, fur-lined vest, fur muff, fur hat. Be dressed warmly enough to stand the outdoor cold, but chic enough to look festive in the photos. If you've ever wanted to look like a "snow bunny," this is the time. Should you not wear fur, black leggings, a beautiful, soft sweater and hat along with apres ski boots would be just as chic.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Women
Q What should a 50 year-old woman wear to her best friend's son's wedding? The wedding in in May in south GA. It will be held in a large Methodist church at 6:00 pm. This young man was brought up like a brother to my children and my son is in the wedding.

A As I don't know the dress code (the formality--black tie or not) for the wedding, nor do I know your build or lifestyle, it is a bit of a stretch to answer.

This is a general answer. Women our age want to look dignified, and elegant--but not stuffy. For a six o'clock wedding, wear what you would wear to an upscale restaurant or to a formal cocktail party. In my opinion, you would not wear anything long because women our age tend to look dowdy wearing long. Nor would you wear anything shiny, jiggly, or with sequins. I would suggest a black cocktail dress that falls just below the knees with pale, shimmery hosiery, black good shoes, and a clutch bag. Alternatively, a sheath dress with a matching jacket or a dress with sleeves that falls just below the knees would be lovely as well. The important thing to remember when choosing an outfit for a wedding is that you want to wear a well-made, good quality outfit that is tailored to your build. Or go with a more relaxed outfit from a designer such as Eileen Fisher. See her at eileenfisher.com.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Women In Black
Q Would a dressy black sleeveless dress (knee-length - age 52) along with my pearls be appropriate to wear to a 7 p.m. plantation wedding in Nashville? The Bridesmaids are wearing black short after 5 dresses and heels. Is is in poor taste for a guest (myself) to wear black also? Our dresses nowhere near are the same.
Thanks!

A It is quite trendy to wear a short black dress to a wedding these days and you are fine doing so; however, because you do not want to look as though you are trying to compete with the young bridesmaids, you might want to wear a pashmina or scarf of another color on/off your shoulders to identify yourself as not part of the wedding party. You might even want to wear red, silver, or gold evening shoes, as opposed to black.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Women In Red
Q is it appropriate to wear a sleeveless above the knee red dress to your sister-in-law's wedding?

A It would depend upon your build as to whether or not that bright red dress is appropriate or not for your sister-in-law's wedding. If you have knobby knees and oversized legs, then I would wear a dress that falls just below your knees. If you have flabby upper arms, then I would say you should wear a dress with short or three-quarter-length sleeves.

As to the color red, traditionally, you wouldn't wear red because it is the "look at me" color. When everyone should be looking at the bride in elegant white, you'll be stealing the show in your drop-dead gorgeous red dress. Red is not the best color to wear to a wedding because it is so eye catching and. therefore, it is perceived as a "look at me" color.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Women: Black Dress
Q Hello, I'm going to a 4:OO wedding outside in September in Fl. A reception will follow inside. This all will be at a garden/old farm-type location. My husband/daughter/son will be in the wedding. Will it be ok for me to wear a cute black dress?


Thank you,
Andrea

A Absolutely, a little black dress is always chic. A short black dress for a late afternoon wedding is perfect.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Women: Plus Size
Q What should a 50 year-old, 5'2", plus-size woman wear to her best friend's son's wedding? It is a 6:00 pm, formal, not black-tie event. It is a church wedding. We live in south Georgia. The wedding is at the end of May.

A Since it is not a black-tie wedding, you are off the hook about having to wear a dowdy long dress. Look for a well-constructed dressy dinner suit. When I say well-constructed, I mean a suit that will pull you in at the waist but still has soft shoulders. You want to have it fitted to your body to give you a nice shape. You don't want a bigger size six, you want to wear a stylish dress or dinner suit that fits your curves.

Because it is so hard to find dresses with three-quarter length sleeves, the jacket of the dressy dinner suit is perfect if your arms are not buff. Have the skirt shortened to just below your knees. Wear shimmery pantyhose that are a shade paler than your skin tone.

You might want to start by surfing the net for plus size dresses and "holiday." Try gaylabentley.com. Gayla Bentley's plus size clothing can be found at department stores such as Neiman Marcus. If you go to neimanmarcus.com and type in a search for Gayla Bentley apparel look for a knee-length dress with three-quarter sleeves that comes in black or brownberry. The dress is slimming and yet dressy enough with pretty pearls, earrings, and shoes to dance the night away at a formal wedding that is not black-tie. At our age, we want to look dignified and elegant, and also do some dancing.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Women: Plus Size
Q What should I wear to a 4 pm church wedding in Texas in March? Their weather is calling for a high of 67, sunny with 0% chance of rain. The wedding is followed by a dinner reception at a downtown venue (industrial chic?). I am a 33 year-old woman and a little on the heavy side. Help! :-)

A You want to wear a short black dress with a waist and a slightly flirty skirt that falls just above your knees. You want to wear a dress that is stylish that fits your curves, along with a great pair of the highest heels you can dance in comfortably--unless you're over six feet tall.

Since you live in Texas, I'm assuming you are either near a Neiman Marcus or not too far away from one. Look on neimanmarcus.com for plus size dresses. For instance, I saw a black one today with three-quarter length sleeves that would be perfect. When you get on the NM site type in the designer Gayla Bentley, then apparel/dresses and you'll find a short black dress with great sleeves, a low back and scooped neck that comes in at the waist that might suit you. It also come in a dark brown. Since I don't know your size this is a very general answer. Be sure to have the dress shortened to mid-knee or just above your knees, and if it has to be altered, take the plunge and have the dress fitted to your build. It will only be more flattering. Try wearing a shimmery pair of dressy panty- hose a tone lighter than your skin and great earrings. The rest is up to you. Have fun!

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Women: Shoes
Q My husband and I are attending a 5 pm wedding in Savannah Georgia. The wedding will be in a church. The invitation states formal attire requested at the bottom. I purchased a coral skirt suit to wear and my husband is wearing a sort of mingly grey suit.

My questions: Is this appropriate attire? What color shoes to wear?

A Black satin open-toed sling-back heels would work nicely. You could wear black patent leather shoes, if they were delicate, otherwise if clunky, they might look at bit like Halloween. Since coral is such a strong color, the black satin would be softer, more elegant than black leather. If you have beautiful beige, soft leather shoes, that would be my first choice.

Is this appropriate attire? If your husband wears a white collared shirt with a silk tie and black shoes, then he would be fine. If the invitation doesn't specifically state Black Tie, then what you've both chosen sounds perfect. The dress code is stated as formal because they want to be sure that the men wear a tie and jacket.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Women: Wearing White
Q Is it ok to wear white to an afternoon wedding? The skirt has a black thread trim....

A The only woman at the wedding wearing white is the bride. If this is a white skirt with black thread trim, then wear a black blouse or shell with the black and white skirt. Believe me, you will feel uncomfortable knowing that people are thinking, "Why is she wearing a white dress, doesn't she know better?" You could probably get away with it by wearing accessories that are not white, for instance a chic black hat or pretty a black jacket and shoes, accompanied by a small black and white clutch bag.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: Women: Wearing Pants
Q I am a 62 year old woman attending a Houston (a Sunday morning)wedding the last week of September. Would a mocha-colored suit (long jacket with pants)be appropriate attire?

A In my opinion, pants are not a good choice for a wedding. Coincidentally, just this morning I finished viewing 600 photos of a wedding here in Newport earlier in the month and one fact stuck out loud and clear: the only woman wearing pants stuck out. She did not look appropriately dressed, especially in the group photos where the other women were wearing lovely dresses and chic skirt-suits.

The thing about dress codes at weddings is that you want to fit in. You don't want to stand out and make a statement. I know you're not thinking that you want to draw attention to yourself deliberately, but you will. People will notice that you are wearing pants.

Since I don't know anything about your coloring or your build, this is a rather general answer. I did also notice that the women guests who looked as if they fit in were not wearing dour colors. Weddings are cheerful, happy occasions and you want to dress accordingly. I know you're thinking, well, Houston is a sophisticated city! Well, I attended a cool wedding in Houston that was very chic and very cheerful. The only reason you would wear the color mocha would be if your hair is colored mocha. Then that would work, but I still don't like the idea of your wearing pants, on a Sunday no less, to a wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guest: 6:00 pm at Southern Baptist Church
Q I am 56, my neice is getting married in a southern baptist church at 6:00 pm, April '09. Can I wear a spring floral tea-length skirt? or should I wear something darker. I am 5-2 and about 140 lbs., white/silver hair Thanks Cathy

A Cathy, in my opinion, most women look dowdy in longish skirts and dresses. Go with a more tailored look that will flatter your figure. For instance, a dress with a matching jacket or a dressy suit, both of which would fall just below your knees and have a nipped waist to show off your form. A tailored dress with short or three quarter length sleeves would also be appropriate. You can wear a hat to the church and leave in your car when you go into the reception. A spring floral dress or skirt that falls just below your knees sounds fine, though a solid color or subtler pattern or texture might be more sophisticated, especially in April. For solid spring colors, blues, reds, and greens are always good with white/silver hair.

If your skirt is silk and you have a gorgeous solid silk blouse, you could certainly wear them with pretty high heels, although I think a more coordinated look will elongate your silhouette.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guests Wearing White or Light Cream
Q Is it improper for a guest to where white or light cream to a wedding?

A It is not proper for a guest to wear white or light cream to a wedding. Respect the bride who will be wearing white, or a shade of white, by letting her be the only woman wearing white. It is a matter of respect.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guests: Hats
Q My niece is getting married on June 26 at 6:15 in The Gardens of Elizabeth Chaney Mansion, attire is formal. Mother of bride, aunts (including me) are wearing black knee-length dresses. My dress is a strapless chiffon, I have found a black chiffon wide brim hat. Would it be acceptable for me to wear it?

A I went to the Elizabeth Chaney Mansion Web site to try to imagine a middle-aged women in a strapless, black chiffon dress wearing a wide brimmed black chiffon hat dancing in the ballroom, and I can't see. If you kiss the bridal party in the receiving line and greet longtime friends with a peck on the check, you'll, literally, have to hold on to your hat. With formal attire it is fun to be creative, but less is more. If the dress code for the wedding is short black dresses, it is a chic wedding. I want you to be dressed appropriately. Think of the wedding photos. Will they say, "Who is the woman in the big black hat on the dance floor?"

I understand that you want to dress up your dress. You can do so with other accessories: for instance, a necklace consisting of three strands of pearls along with pearl and diamond earrings, which don't have to be real. You can also drape a lovely scarf over your shoulders while sitting at sunset outside to warm yourself from the chill of the oncoming night, then use it playfully seated at dinner and on the dance floor.

One last point--and it is a big one. Will you feel awkward doing the two-step on the dance floor in a wide brimmed hat?
Why not wear the hat to the ceremony and then leave it in the cloak room before going into the reception.

At English wedding ceremonies, which are usually held at two o'clock, women usually wear hats, but the reception is hours later and those women have had time to change into evening attire after putting away their hats. Many older women wear hats to formal occasions, but they are fitted to the head and brimless.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guests: Michigan 4:00 pm in June
Q I am going to a wedding with my new boyfriend. This will be the first time I meet any of his family and since it is his cousin's wedding I will be meeting his entire family. It is 4:00 pm wedding in June in Michigan. I am 29, red head, size 20 and hour-glass shaped. He is wearing a navy blue pin-striped suit. I don't know much about the wedding but I know he was told to tell me to wear something classy, conservative and "high end casual". I have no idea what this means and I have no idea what color to wear to match a navy blue pin-striped suit. Please help.

A It sounds as though you would wear a navy blue or black dress with short sleeves that falls just above your knees. Assuming this is a spring, summer, or early fall wedding, this dress, or skirt suit, should be a linen, heavy cotton, and stretchy or well-tailored to fit your curves. Look for a soft V-neck dress made of a stretch cotton, jersey, lightweight stretch crepe, or linen viscose stretch; these sophisticated crepe textures go from day into night. Take advantage of that hour-glass figure and show those flattering curves. Taupe, beige or black shoes with a heel if you aren't tall, beautiful flats with a bit of sparkle or a bow, if you're tall. Pearls are the wedding jewel, so wear a string of pearls and pearl earrings - they don't have to be real. Carry a small clutch for your comb and lip gloss. If your legs are not tanned and well-groomed, wear quality legwear with a bit of shine that are a tone lighter than own skin color.

Since this is an afternoon wedding, you don't wear a long or tea-length dress. The dress code sounds conservative, yet sophisticated, so you want a fresh, well-tailored look for an afternoon wedding. Stay away from bold colors and patterns, and if you can't find a navy blue dress of skirt suit, wear a black dress or skirt suit. If you can't find a black or navy blue dress with a short sleeve, then wear a sheath with a matching jacket or a simple, light-weight summer sweater. Go to EileenFisher.com and click on dresses, where you will see flattering dresses with a V-shaped neck line that will elongate your hour-glass shape and be appropriate for an afternoon wedding that goes into evening. All you would have to do is to accessorize with beautiful shoes and pearl earrings.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Guests: Six O'Clock Wedding
Q Hello. Thanks for this site! We're going to a 6 pm wedding in California one hour from Los Angeles. The weather gets cooler around 7 and it's at a country club. The invitation was formalish. What does a mum wear (42), 5'.4" build? Dad (50), kids teen girl 16 and boy 12. Thanks in advance for your response...

A If the dress code doesn't specify "Black Tie," then you are off the hook about having to wear a long dress. You can wear a flirty cocktail dress that falls just above your knees. Your husband can wear a dark suit with dark socks, shoes and belt, but a very good, striped collared shirt with a coordinating tie.

As for the teen girl, she can wear what she would wear to a dance. In other words a fun dress, that isn't glittery but reflects her own style. The boy would wear a navy blue blazer with dress khaki pants, a collared shirt and tie of his choice. Brown loafers with navy blue or khaki socks would be fine.

By the way, since I don't know the details of the wedding (such as the dress code or location), this is a rather general answer.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Hats: 5:30 PM Ceremony in the South
Q Is it appropriate to wear a hat to a 5:30 church wedding in June in the South?

A By all means, wear that hat. Hats are the perfect accessory for a wedding, no matter what time of year or which climate. However, you might want to leave that beautiful hat in the car or cloak room during the reception. The exception would be if the hat has little or no brim, or has a tightly rolled brim, then it would pass as a dinner hat. A wide brimmed hat--no matter how charming--might be clumsy to dance in when the tempo takes it up a couple of notches. In that case, leave the wide brimmed hat in the car for the dancing.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: High-Heel Boots at 5:00 Wedding
Q I have a friend who is going to a 5:00 wedding in Texas in Jan. This is an inside wedding. She would like to know if she can wear high heel dress boots with a nice skirt?

A Find the dress code for the wedding. If this is a black-tie wedding, meaning a formal wedding, then leather boots would not be dressy enough. Most five o'clock wedding are informal, so I am sure that high-heel dress boots with a nice skirt would be perfect.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Honorary Bridesmaid: 7:30 PM in Georgia
Q I am an honorary bridesmaid at a wedding in May in Georgia. I was told to just find a black dress. The wedding is at 7:30 in a Cathedral with a dinner/dance reception following. What length dress should I wear?

A If the wedding is not a Black-Tie wedding, then you are off the hook about having to wear a long dress. Since I don't know your age or your build, this is a rather general answer. Look for a short black dress with a flirty skirt in, say, a chiffon. A dress that will be fun to dance in. Then find beautiful high (if you aren't too tall) heels that are comfortable enough for dancing. If you're over forty, you'll probably want to wear legwear. Look for a good quality pantyhose a shade lighter than your skin tone that has a bit of shine and shimmer to it. They will dress up that little black dress.

As to the length, if you are under fifty, the hem of the dress can fall just above your knees. If you have knobby knees or are over fifty, just below your knees is usually more flattering--unless your legs are stunning.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: How Does Woman Dress for Black Tie Wedding
Q What type dress should I wear to a black tie wedding? Must it be long???

A No, you do not have to wear a long dress to a black tie wedding, but you might not want to wear pants, no matter how dressy. You might wear whatever you would wear to any occasion where the invitation states black tie: silk sheath with pearls, dinner suit, cocktail dress, three-quarter length flirty dress, satin strapless short dress. Don't forget an evening bag, pretty shoes for dancing, and good jewelry.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Invitation
Q Can you ask for dress code on wedding invitations?

A The style and form of the wedding invitation says a lot about the kind of wedding the bride and groom hope it will be. If the invitation follows a formal format and does not say "Black Tie," than it is assumed that it is semiformal and the dress code is that one wears one's best clothes. For men, that would mean a dark suit, collared shirt, tie, dark shoes and socks; for a woman it means a dressy dinner suit or dress, with pretty shoes, bag, and, possibly, a great hat. If the wedding is informal, the invitation will reflect that style; black tie would not be listed as the attire. If the ceremony is in a church or temple, guests will assume that the dress code, at the very least, is what one would wear to a religious holiday service. On the other hand, an invitation to a wedding on the beach in Nantucket, pretty much tells the guest the dress code: Dress Casual. If you are concerned that the format and/or style of your invitation does not give guests enough information about the dress code, than by all means, tell them what you want them to wear in the lower right hand corner of the invitation, or centered directly under the last line of the invitation: Black Tie, Dress Casual, Cocktail Attire, Semi-Casual. Traditionally, an invitation would only state the dress code if it is Black Tie.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Invitation: Levels of Formality
Q My fiance and I are starting to work on our wedding details, slowly but surely, and we have some family members who we have now seen at a few weddings wear jeans or other inappropriate clothing. What is the appropriate way to set a dress code for those who might not know what's appropriate?

A The level of formality, or informality, of the wedding invitation dictates the dress code. If you want guests to wear tuxedos and evening dresses, then you have the words "Black Tie" printed in the lower right corner of the invitation. On a less formal invitation, when you want to be sure that the men wear ties and jackets you can put "Jacket & Tie."

So, if you have an elegant or traditional invitation then the guest will get the picture that he needs to wear a dark suit and white shirt and tie. If you send an informal information that is not as traditional, then expect guests to dress informally.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Iowa 4:00 Outdoor September Wedding
Q I am in my 60's, 5'9, wear size 14. I'm going to a 4:00 Iowa outdoors wedding in September. What should I wear? Can I wear flats?

A Yes, you can definitely wear flats. Probably either black, beige or nude would be best. Wear what you would wear to a very good restaurant or a cocktail party. You wouldn't wear a long dress to a four o'clock wedding, but you could wear a nicely tailored dress with sleeves that falls just below your knees or a light-weight well-made skirted suit.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Junior Bridesmaid + Bridesmaid's Age
Q First I must apologize because two minutes ago I was trying to write an email to you and by mistake I sent it without any content.

My sister is getting married and someone said bridemaids need to be of a certain age. I have never heard such thing and would appreciate it if you could confirm it.

Thanks and good luck with your book!!

Elizabeth

A Thank you for your kind words.

A junior bridesmaid is usually a younger sister, stepsister, or cousin of the bride or groom who is between nine and thirteen years of age. In other words, if a girl is old enough to be in high school, she would be a regular bridesmaid. This probably has as much to do with dress style as anything. A tween might not yet have the figure to carry off wearing most bridesmaid's dresses, as they tend to be strapless and have a nipped waist.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Marrying Child's Father
Q I am getting married for the first time and have a child by the man I am about to marry. Is it proper for me to wear a white wedding dress? Thanks!

A Yes, of course, my dear, you can wear a white dress. However, you might not want to wear a long dress with a cathedral train or a full-length veil. Instead, you might wear an elegant, long white simple dress with a short veil.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Matron of Honor
Q Hello,

My sister-in-law is getting married in an intimate garden ceremony in Rhode Island. I was asked to be the maid of honor and I happily accepted -- I'm absolutely honored that she asked me. When I asked her what I was going to wear she told me that it didn't matter, she didn' want me to go out and spend a bunch of money on fancy clothing since she wasn't going to. Since then she has bought a simple white gown with a small train. She hasn't mentioned what I should wear and I'm getting nervous since the wedding was planned in six weeks and we are about 2 weeks away from the wedding date. The ceremony is on June 28 at 1 pm (there will be a large informal party in early August). The groom and the best man are in the Navy and will be wearing their dress whites. The flowers will be mini calla lilies (various shades/bi-color -- mango, yellow, etc). There will be at most 15 people attending (this includes the wedding party, guests, photographer & justice of the peace). My question is: What should I wear? I have no idea what is appropriate to wear as a maid of honor in this situation. Also, my daughter was asked to be the flower girl -- when I asked her what my daughter should wear I was given a similar answer. What should my daughter wear? I'm 27 years old and I've never been in this position before -- I'm really nervous and not sure what I should do. I really do not want to offend anyone by overdressing or underdressing for the occasion. Any advice you can give will be greatly appreciated!

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I look forward to your response!

A Why not wear a mango and/or yellow sheath dress, as those are your sister-in-law's wedding colors? The dress should fall just above or at your knees. If you cannot find a sheath dress, which is a dress in cotton, linen, or silk that has a slightly scooped neckline and no sleeves, another good choice would be a short strapless dress, with or without spaghetti straps. Alternatively, a cotton sundress would also be appropriate. Just make sure that the dress is short and snappy and in a solid color. If you cannot find yellow or mango, you can certainly wear navy blue, light blue, any shade of green, or any color that works well with mango and yellow. You don't want to wear white because only the bride wears white at a wedding. Your daughter can wear a party dress that she already has keeping in mind the wedding colors. If she has a long plain dress, you can always sew little yellow artificial flowers, such as daisies, on to the dress and/or sash. Find a small basket with a handle and fill it with daisies or rose petals which your daughter can distribute. Or certainly she could just carry a small bouquet of fresh daisies. By the way, if you are married or have been married, you are the matron of honor, not the maid of honor, because the maid of honor has never been married and doesn't have children.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: May 1, 5:30 p.m.
Q Hi Didi! My sister and I are attending a wedding, in a church, 5:30pm. The wedding is 5/1/10..... We are both between 170-200lbs... We are shapely and have cleavage.... We want to make sure we are dressed appropriately for the event. There is no specification of "black tie" or anything to give me clues about what to wear! Thanks in advance for your help.

A If the invitation doesn't state Black Tie then you are off the hook about having to wear a long dress. Since I don't know your age or where the wedding is taking place, this is a rather general answer. On May 1st the temperatures could well be in the high 50s as far south as South Carolina, so you would wear a dressy skirt suit with at least a three quarters length jacket, or take a sweater or shawl. A dress that falls just below the knees with a matching jacket would go well, too. You made no mention of the reception, so if there isn't dinner and dancing you wouldn't be wearing a dress with a lot of cleavage just to go to the church.

The formality of your outfits would depend upon the venue for the reception. How much leg and how much cleavage you show would depend upon how young you are and how cold the temperature.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Medieval Fantasy Attire
Q I have received a wedding invitation which includes a rather unusual request. The theme of the wedding is medieval/fantasy and guests are to dress accordingly. The wedding will take place outside in a wooded area at 7:30 pm. What in the world should I wear?

A You can call it creative black tie, you can call it festive dress, whatever you call it, the wedding sounds fabulous. As I don't know your gender, I would say that the dress code would be Maid Marion and Robin Hood, or Sir Lancelot and Guinevere. Since you'll most likely be sitting in pews consisting of a series of logs, you would want to dress comfortably. I don't mind men in green tights and suede jackets, and I love wearing a festive skirt, a pretty peasant blouse that shows cleavage, beads, and strappy sandals. Sir Galahad and King Arthur would be good looks, but nobody wants to wear chain mail. And then of course there is the court jester.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Men and Woman: New Orleans
Q Hi..I am 53. My son will be getting married mid-Sept...probably mid-morning or early evening in New Orleans, Louisiana. I don't have a clue as to what to wear! Please help!

A In order to give you a good answer, I need to know your gender, build, and the dress code in order to determine the formality of the wedding. This is a rather general answer for a morning wedding, to which you would wear a dark suit (father of the groom), or a tailored skirt suit (mother of the groom), a dress with a matching jacket, or dress with sleeves, if the ceremony is in a church. For a late afternoon wedding, you would wear cocktail attire, which also means a dark suit (man) or a knee-length cocktail dress or dressy dinner suit (woman). Even though the wedding is being held in New Orleans, most wedding facilities are air conditioned, so you will want to be able to cover your arms.

Once you know the time of day of the ceremony and reception, then you will have a better idea of what to wear. Morning weddings usually mean "best Sunday church clothes," whereas a late afternoon is more apt to be cocktail attire. Start by finding out if the afternoon wedding is black-tie, then you will know whether or not you have to wear a tuxedo (man), or a more dressier dress (woman).

The groom should find out the dress code for the wedding because he'll need to know just how formal or informal to dress himself. You'll also be able to tell by the invitation: the more formal the invitation, the more formal the wedding. For instance an engraved invitation on heavy stock with formal wording will tell you that it is a fairly formal wedding; then you just have to go by the time of day to figure out the dress code. If the invitation is informal with informal wording, then you'll know that the wedding will be informal, too.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Men Family Members
Q What should the groom's and bride's fathers wear...do they have to wear a tuxedo? Also what should the groom's and bride's grandfathers wear?

A What the wedding couples' fathers and grandfathers wear would depend upon the formality of the wedding. The men's dress code is set by the groom, so you would have to ask him. If it is a formal wedding and the invitation states "Black Tie," they would wear tuxedos. However, tuxedos have become less fashionable as the dress code for most wedding these days. Especially for weddings that take place in the spring, summer, and fall and do not take place in cities. The trend right now is either dark suits or navy blue blazers with either gray flannels, white linen, or good khaki pants. I would also have to know more about the wedding, the location, the time of year and day, in order to give you a precise answer. For instance, bridesmaids in long dresses are not fashionable these days, nor are tuxedos on the ushers, so you would take your dress code cue from the bridal party. If the groom is wearing a tuxedo, then the fathers of the wedding couple and grandfathers of the wedding couple would wear formal attire as well. If the groom is wearing a dark suit, they would follow suit.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Men: Seersucker
Q I am going to a wedding in Savannah GA. the last week of July. It will be hot and muggy, but the wedding is at 6:30 which is a evening event, even though the sun will still be bright. Is it ok to still wear my Seer Sucker suit??

A In my opinion, seersucker is too informal for an evening wedding. Remember that the South tends to be more formal than the North. You wouldn't wear a seersucker suit to an evening wedding. You will find that most men will be in white linen suits. You need not worry too much about the heat because everything in the South is air-conditioned and no one living in the South would plan an outdoor wedding at the peak of the summer. Assuming that you are a man, if you don't want to purchase a linen suit for the occasion, you could wear a linen jacket or a lightweight navy blue blazer with cream colored or white slacks.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Men: Seersucker Sutit
Q Can my husband wear a seersucker suit and white bucks to a 6 pm wedding in Charleston SC on April 25?

A I would say that the attire he has chosen would work better for a wedding held earlier in the day.

When in doubt, he should ask one of the male members of the wedding party. Since I want him to do the right thing and not be the only man in a seersucker suit, he needs to ask your/his male friends; or you need to ask your girlfriends. If other men are wearing it, then he should go for it.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Men: Shoes
Q Didi! Help! We are wearing Nantucket reds and blue blazers for my wedding. Big debate on shoes...guidelines? Suggestions? Wedding is August 30th... Thank you!


A Nantucket reds and blue blazers sound like the perfect dress code for a summer wedding.

Dark brown Gucci loafers would be perfect. They would go well with both the red and the navy blue. Navy blue calf length socks look best with any dark brown dress loafer.

You wouldn't want to wear Docksiders because the rubber soles are not great for dancing.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Men: Two O'clock
Q What do men need to wear at a 2 o'clock wedding?

A For a two o'clock wedding, a man would wear a lightweight suit, either navy blue or a shade of gray, with a white, or a white with stripes, collared, long-sleeve shirt; a coordinating tie or bow tie, dark shoes and dark socks. A crisp, white pocket-handkerchief in the breast pocket of the suit always dresses up the look.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Men: White Dinner Jacket
Q At a black-tie specified summer wedding, is it appropriate for male guests to wear a white dinner jacket?

A It would depend upon the location and the time of the dinner. For instance if the reception is at a very fancy place, such as the Rainbow Room in New York City and it is a seated eight o'clock dinner, then you would wear a tuxedo. Otherwise, I am a huge fan of the white dinner jacket, which can only really be worn during the summer months or in a warm climate. By all means wear a white dinner jacket.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Men: White Dinner Jacket
Q I am going to a wedding July 10th and I am going crazy.
The wedding is at 4 pm. The reception is at 7:30 pm. It's in Long Island NY at the Larkfield Manor.

I am 32. I just bought a house, so I am on a tight budget. I own an elegant black dress that has a brush train, bateau neckline, and very low back. I have a peach couture shawl to add color and fun.

So here's the problem: my significant other went out and bought a white dinner coat with beige pants and a light yellow shirt. He insists on wearing it knowing I cannot afford a new dress. We are going to totally clash. I've tried talking him out of wearing the jacket. He insists that his outfit is appropriate for a summer wedding and that I should not wear black because it is a "Horrible" color to wear to a wedding.

Please help! I am running out of time, and I don't know what to do. Do you think my dress is in appropriate? Do we have to match as a couple?


A No, you do not have to match as a couple. Black is totally appropriate for a summer evening wedding, especially with the peach shawl. I understand your frustration, but your significant other doesn't know what is chic and what is not chic. What I need to know is this: is there a dress code on the invitation that states Black Tie?

If the invitation states that the dress code is Black Tie, then your gentleman friend has to wear a tuxedo, or at the very least a dark, lightweight suit. Customarily, a gentleman only wears a white dinner jacket in a tropical climate, and that doesn't mean a summer wedding on Long Island. Many say that there is seldom any good excuse for wearing a white jacket north of the South Carolina state line.

The last thing I want you to do is to get into a deeper argument with your partner. If you don't know the dress code, e-mail or phone around to find out what other guests are wearing. Just say, "Since the invitation doesn't state Black Tie, I'm wondering what you all are wearing?"

The dress code is even more complicated because the ceremony is at 4:00 PM and the reception isn't until 7:30 PM. You might find that some guests will actually change from a dressy daytime outfit to evening attire the way the British do when the reception doesn't immediately follow the ceremony.

Personally, I think I could tell by the invitation whether or not it is a formal wedding if, say, the invitation is engraved, then you know it is a formal, seated, candlelit, 7:30 dinner with place cards. However, if the reception immediately follows the four o'clock wedding, then you would know that it is an informal wedding and then your gentleman friend would wear a dark lightweight suit or a navy blue blazer with those beige pants he just bought.

Your outfit sounds great no matter what, so what you need to quietly figure out is what the other men are wearing.

This is a rather general answer because I don't know the dress code. I do know that your gentleman friend shouldn't be wearing a white dinner jacket to an evening wedding reception on Long Island, even if it is July...

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Men: White Dinner Jacket + Business Suits
Q 7:00 pm Catholic church wedding in New Orleans March 12th. Groom and groomsmen in white dinner jackets? What about fathers of the couple? Sapphire is the color with white for the wedding colors. Reception in the Quarter at a very nice reception venue.

A The fathers of the wedding couple can wear dark business suits, white collared shirts and black socks, shoes and belt. Wearing a very good silk tie either in sapphire or a blue of another hue and a neatly folded square white handkerchief in their breast pocket looks great with the white collared shirt. Not a button-down collared shirt, but a white dress shirt that doesn't have a button-down collar (which wouldn't be worn after six and certainly not with a business suit to a wedding).

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Men: 3:30 PM Wedding
Q Does the father of the groom wear a tux or suit?

A The father of the groom and the groom set the dress code based on the formality of the wedding. You would consult with the bride, the bride's mother, and the bride's father so that you are all on the same page as to men's dress code for the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Men: 3:30 PM Wedding
Q My daughter is to be maried in Orlando, Florida, October 2009. The ceremony is at 3:30 PM and the reception is at 6:00 PM. The groom plans to have the men wear a black tuxedo with a long (regular) black tie (not a bow tie). There is an interfering stepmother of the groom claiming that only a suit is apopropriate for an afternoon wedding for men in the wedding party.

I'll look forward for your feedback.

Thank you,

Carl Johnson
Orlando, Florida

A Carl, this wedding is all about your daughter and her groom, so the parents need to heed their wishes. However, I agree with the interfering stepmother that a dark suit would be more appropriate for an afternoon wedding. Tuxedos in daylight make most men look as if they are head waiters on their way to work and that is probably why the groom wisely choose straight ties. The groom might be concerned that some of his groomsmen might not own a good dark suit and therefore it would be easier for all the men in the bridal party simply to rent the same style tuxedo from the same shop. The rental package would include uniform socks, shoes, shirt, and tie, as well as the tuxedo suit. As you know, there are different kinds of tuxedos and you wouldn't want mixed styles. Bow ties are not fashionable right now for the younger set, and I personally feel that the straight tie is more distinguished. I want you to be assured that the groom is doing the right thing here. Because, he is. It might not be our taste, but it is an appropriate dress code at this point in time.

Personally, I would prefer that the groom alters the dress code to navy blue blazers with cream colored trousers, a white shirt, and a striped straight tie in the weddings colors, with black loafers. Then the fathers, grandfathers and uncles can all wear their dark suits. Most of the groomsmen will already have a blue blazer and if they don't, they probably should have that staple in their wardrobe, along with the cream colored trousers. Furthermore, the blazer dress code is not as expensive as making these young men all buy the same dark suit and having it tailored. The groom knows his groomsmen.

Why not discuss the various dress codes with your daughter and she can gently open the conversation with her groom. If the bride is fine with the tuxedos with straight ties, then let the wedding couple set the dress code. Remember that consistency is the most important element of any dress code. Think wedding pictures: when the groom is lined up in a photo with his groomsmen, all the men should be dressed identically; with the exception of, perhaps, the groom's tie that is often a larger stripe or a solid in the wedding colors. It seems as if the groom is considering the budgets for his groomsmen in choosing his dress code, and that is proper etiquette.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Michigan in August
Q My husband and I will attend a 4 o'clock wedding in Auburn Hills, Michigan, at the end of August. The wedding will be in a church and the reception at an indoor location. I am 56 and average size with reddish brown hair. Would a knee- length dress with a brown sleeveless knit v neck top and silk cummerbund style waist and floral skirt be appropriate? I assume my husband should wear both a coat and tie.

A I never particularly like brown any time of year. I just don't think it is a flattering color and it certainly is not an August color. Beige would be good and it is, in fact, the perfect color for women your age to wear to a wedding in warm weather. Your husband should wear a business suit or a blazer with gray flannel pants, a cheerful tie, a white collared shirt and black socks, shoes and belt.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Military
Q What is the proper dress for a guest at a 2:00 pm military wedding (indoor)?

A Business attire would be the appropriate dress code for a military wedding, meaning the men would wear business suits; women would wear either a suit or a dress with sleeves or a sheath with a jacket.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Missouri 3:00 pm in January
Q I have a wedding of my nephew to attend at 3 on Jan 2 at The Cedars in Jackson, Ms. I have a really cute red dress with bolero jacket. Is red too strong a color to wear to weddings? I am 53, and always look conservative, this is cute and trendy. Am I safe, or do I need to stay blah? Sincerely,Kathy

A You are safe wearing a strong color, as far as being trendy is concerned, for a three o'clock wedding. Red is a "look at me color" so you'll want to tone down the accessories. Keep jewelry to a minimum--only your best, which doesn't necessarily mean your dressiest. Wear bone or other muted color shoes and clutch. Navy and of course black look well, too, with red as long as your dress isn't an orangish-red. Keep away from glitter. Be sure that the hem of your dress hits your knees, unless you have incredibly good legs. Remember that there will be a lot of pretty young women in very short dresses and you don't want to look as if you're trying to compete with them. Being trendy at our age also means being chic, elegant, and dignified.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: MOB + MOG
Q Colors are beige and wine/cranberry, date is July. What should I wear MOG, should I talk to MOB before selecting a dress/color? I am not a small woman.

A I am a huge fan of navy blue for spring and summer, even if you are not small. Navy blue is incredibly chic and terrifically slimming. As I do not know the time of the wedding, here are a couple of options: for a daytime wedding, you might wear a navy blue sheath with a matching jacket or a dress that falls just below the knees that has sleeves. You would accessorize with navy blue low-heeled pumps and a small clutch, pearls, off-white kid gloves and a lovely hat. If you wear glasses or tinted glasses, forget the hat because the hat would be too much. For an evening wedding from five o'clock on, you might wear a dressy dinner suit that ends just below the knees, which might have pretty buttons and trim, or you can dress it up with a pretty brooch, along with a pretty clutch purse and sling-back heels. You would accessorize accordingly to be in synch with the formality of the wedding; jewelry is the best way to dress up navy blue, with either pearls, gold or perhaps an interesting brooch. You are correct to talk to the MOB before selecting a dress/color; however, you might want to say something such as this, "I am thinking about wearing ...... or ....... What do you think?" Have at least two ideas, so that you have a back-up. Then ask her what she is planning to wear. You do not have to wear the same color, but there is no rule that says that you can't wear the same color. If she says that she is wearing navy blue and she would prefer that you wear another color, then suggest taupe, which is a light gray softened with pink, or ice blue, a pale blue softened with gray. I, also, love a good medium to dark green, but it is a hard color to find, so I've given you easier alternatives.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: MOB: Three O'Clock Wedding
Q Wedding 3:00 pm in San Francisco, CA. I am the MOB and want to wear a navy blue silk/chiffon dress with a little navy blue lace around the middle; the bottom is slightly flared. It has short sleeves and is fitted around the mid- section. I don't have a stomach; it is made to fit tightly around the mid section; so it defines my waist. My concern is that the bridesmaids' dresses are persimmon tea-length. Is this style and color appropriate? I am 53. Thank you. Wedding 8/15/2009

A Personally, I am not a huge fan of tea-length, especially if the bridesmaids are of varying stature. The color sounds fine as shades of orange are in vogue these days. Since you've just given me the fabric quality and color of your dress, this is a rather general answer.

I am not sure if your concern is about your dress or the bridesmaids' dresses... ? I want you to do the right thing here and getting into a negative conversation with your daughter if the bridesmaids' dresses have already been purchased is not the way to go. As you know, negativity is infectious. You have to think about the lingering memories. Do you want your daughter to remember that you made an issue out of the bridesmaids' dresses? I don't think so. Chances are those dresses were ordered months ago.

I mostly want you to feel good about your dress, which sounds elegant, dignified and absolutely lovely--all that a MOB dress should be. I love a beautiful navy blue chiffon with a pinched waist. My only concern is that if the dress is long, you might feel too-too formal for a three o'clock wedding. Otherwise, your navy blue chiffon and lace dress should be fine with the bridesmaids' persimmon. I always try to get the MOB to think about the wedding photos. As the MOB, you probably won't be in the formal shots with all the bridesmaids anyway, unless the bride has sisters, but even then you won't be encircled in persimmon.

Have confidence in your dignified style and don't give the nod to bitter memories.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: MOG Mexican June Wedding
Q I am mother of the groom - the wedding is in Cancun, Mexico, June 27, 2009. Would a rouge-colored silk or satin dress suit be fine? - it falls just below the knee. Also, what color shoes would you suggest? Thank you

A The shoes could be satin and dyed to match the dress or be in a slightly deeper shade of rouge.
Beige or black patent leather, soft pretty pumps or open-toed sandals would work, too.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Mother of the Bride
Q What color dress does the mother of the bride wear?

A Traditionally, the mother of the bride does not wear white because the only woman wearing white is the bride. She also would not wear red or bubble gum pink, because both scream, "Look at me." The wedding colors would also not be a good idea because the bridesmaids most likely will be wearing one or both of the wedding colors. If the woman has a heavier build, she would wear, say, navy blue, cranberry, plum, dark green, or beige. Traditionally, the mother of the bride more often than not wears beige or a shade of ice blue. The climate, location, date, time, and venue of the wedding all factor into the choice of color and style. For instance, black would be appropriate for a sophisticated New York City wedding, but not at an informal country wedding. The mother of the bride should wear a color that suits both the colors of the wedding, her build, and coloring.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Mother of the Bride
Q Dear Didi,
I am in California and my niece is getting married tomorrow. The wedding is at 4:00 outdoors at the family home. She is 25 and is having a Black and White Wedding. I was brought up not to wear black to a wedding, but I have a long straight black dress - is this ok? or I have a cream color that is almost yellow, cocktail dress....would this be out of the question. I also have the choice of a shorter black and white dress....HELP!

A In my opinion, you should wear the black and white short dress with beautiful black shoes and a small black bag, if it feels comfortable on you. You wouldn't wear a long black dress for a four o'clock wedding. It is best to stay away from any color close to white, if you can help it; however, a pale yellow might be quite elegant. I guess it would depend upon the shade of yellow. Perhaps, if you can take the yellow dress and put it next to the wedding dress, you could get a consensus of whether or not the yellow is too pale, or just right.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Mother of the Bride
Q MOB- What style dress to wear? Early June wedding; BM's wearing knee length (platinum accented w/pale yellow ribbon); FOB (still my honey) is wearing a tux; and the invitation will suggest "cocktail attire." I don't want to wear a long gown. After hours and hours of searching, I finally found a one of a kind 1950's vintage knee length party dress (organza/cappuccino color) and a gorgeous Mon Petit Oiseau Bianca dress knee length (very Hepburn looking/buttery gold silk brocade)- both fit great and are beautiful...but, if the FOB is in a tux, do I need to wear something more partyish or can I stick with the more conservative Hepburn look? What does etiquette dictate? Thanks so much!! Boulder Chic MOB

A Please go for the Hepburn look. Etiquette dictates that the MOB is elegant and dignified, and doesn't wear white. In my opinion, the Hepburn looking/buttery gold silk brocade sounds absolutely perfect. If you feel that you need to dress it up, then dye a pair of white satin sling back heels the color of the dress. You can also wear short, cream-colored gloves, or/and perhaps a cocktail hat to the ceremony and then leave them in the car for the reception. The cappuccino organza sounds sophisticated and stunning, too; however, I am not sure that cappuccino is a June color, unless you live in a major city. If your hair is the color of cappuccino, then I might go with the cappuccino organza anyway. The important thing about the MOB's outfit is that you feel elegant and dignified, and it certainly sounds as if you do. You'll be absolutely fabulous. If you want to be reassured, why not try on the two dresses for your daughter and ask her opinion, too.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Mother of the Bride
Q Our daughter is getting married in an early afternoon church wedding (2:00). What is the proper attire for the mother of the bride? Is the length of the dress an issue or is it appropriate to wear formal flyaway pants with a formal top?

A A two o'clock wedding is not a formal wedding. As the mother of the bride, you would want to look dignified in a skirted dress suit or a dress with a dress with sleeves that has a matching jacket that falls just below your knees.

As I don't know the location of the wedding or time of year, I am afraid that this is a rather general answer to a very important question. Perhaps, you might want to return to my Web site www.NewportManners.com and search my wedding information archives before deciding on an outfit.

By the way, remember that as the mother of the bride, once you decide on an outfit, you will need to communicate that information to the mother of the groom so that she knows what to wear. You take the lead as to what the mother's wear.

Lastly, in my opinion, you wouldn't wear flyaway pants to a church wedding and the formal top sounds too formal. You might want to go for a more tailored, dignified look. Think about the construction of your outfit and find a good tailor who will fit the outfit to flatter your body type.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Mother of the Bride: 3 P.M. Wedding
Q What length dress should the mother of the bride wear at a 3:00 pm formal wedding?

A At a three o'clock wedding, the mother of the bride would wear a dressy skirt suit, a sheath dress with a matching jacket, or a short or long sleeved dress--all of which would fall just below the knees. Long dresses are very dowdy at an afternoon wedding, even if it is a formal wedding. Especially on women over a certain age, long is all wrong.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Mother of the Bride: 7:00 PM
Q Mother of the bride 7:00 p.m. wedding

A This is a really general answer. In order to give you an answer tailored to your style and build and the formality of the wedding, I need to know more details.

If this is not a black-tie wedding, then wear a dressy dinner suit with a nipped waist, three-quarter length sleeves and a low neckline. The skirt would fall just below your knees. The quality and the fit of the outfit is key. Make sure that the outfit is fitted to your curves to flatter your figure. When you see the wedding photos, you'll be pleased if you look elegant and dignified.

If a silk, dressy skirt suit is not your style, then a sheath with a matching jacket or a dress with short or three-quarter length sleeves would be lovely, too. Stay away from anything long because most women over forty tend to look dowdy in a long or tea-length dress. Anyway, the trend is that short is chic right now.

With your dressy fitted suit, you would wear beautiful pumps with a small heel comfortable for dancing. Be sure your legwear is a lighter tone than your skin because it will look dressier, especially if the legwear has a bit of shimmer or shine. Pearls are the classic traditional jewelry, so if you have them wear them. As to the color of the outfit, that would depend upon your coloring, what color suits you best. Stay away from bold colors and patterns. Traditionally, beige, ice blue, navy blue, taupe, and shades of green or coral are the wedding couple's mothers' colors. Color greatly depends upon the time of year; lighter and brighter in the tropics and warm weather, darker and subtler further north and colder.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Mother of the Bride: Wearing White To The Rehearsal Dinner.
Q I am the MOB, is it okay if I wear off-white to my daughter's rehearsal dinner?

A In my opinion, traditionally, white is the bride's color. I would stay away from wearing even off-white in fear that someone might suspect you're the bride. One of my daughter's wore an off-white dress to her rehearsal dinner and it seemed quite fitting. Those who didn't know her (dates or partners of friends and colleagues) figured out quickly that she was the bride.

Save the off-white dress for later on in the summer, unless you have an elegant black and white bolero jacket to wear over the white dress and you accessorize with black shoes and clutch.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Mother of the Groom
Q I am the MOG, the MOB is planning on wearing a tea length dress. The dress I have in mind is long. The bride doesn't care if I wear long or short. I think her mother is planning a yellowish tone, I am looking at a blue. I haven't ordered my dress yet, waiting on the MOB, she should go first. I truly don't want tea length. So my question is: do I have to wear tea length is she does????? Help. (wedding is 5/3/08)

A In my opinion, you wouldn't wear tea length and you wouldn't wear a long dress. Why not consider a chic, dressy skirtsuit (often called a dinner suit) or a dress with a matching jacket or coat? Since I don't know the wedding couple's colors, I cannot comment on the color. Traditionally, the MOG and MOB wear either ice blue or beige. Under no circumstances would you wear white. For a June wedding, you would want to be suited in an elegant, dignified skirtsuit that falls just below your knees. Unless it is an evening black-tie wedding, you wouldn't wear a long dress. I would have to know more about the wedding, for instance time of day, formality, and location of ceremony and reception in order to give you a more tailored answer. I know that you aren't going to like this answer, but dresses well below the knees tend to make older women look dowdy. Tea length tends to make short women look even shorter. At your son's wedding, you want to look elegant and dignified. Nowadays, the MOB sends the MOG a photo of her dress, or sends her an Internet photo of the dress from the store. Give the MOB until March to notify you of her choice. If you ask her too soon, beware because she might change her mind several times before making her final decision, so: it is best not to put pressure on her. Remember that all the pressure is on the MOB and she has many other things to think about than her outfit. Her dress might be the last To Do on her list, so be sure to cut her plenty of slack. In conversation you might drop a couple of clues as to what you would like to wear and ask her opinion, but don't pressure her to make a decision before May. Find your own look and if she hasn't sent you a photo by April, send her a photo of your outfit asking her opinion. You do not have to wear what she dictates, but you do need her nod of approval, as well as that of the bride. If she wants you to wear a tea length, tell her that it is not a flattering look on you and leave it at that.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Mother of the Groom
Q I'm the MOG - the wedding is this summer, Aug 1 in central IL - HOT more than likely. Outdoors on front lawn of bride's great grandparents homeplace at 6:00 PM. Is it OK for me to wear lightweight flowing type pantsuit (if I can find one at this late date)? I'm very thick-waisted and dresses look just awful on me anymore - I'd like to have some type of flowing jacket over lightweight pants/top. Is that OK? Bride's mother has two dresses to choose from - one short, one long. ---- Also, since it will be outside, would it be OK to wear strappy low-heeled sandals? I'm 54 if that helps any! Thanks much.

A If you are the MOG, you really don't want to wear a pantsuit. If you're looking for something flowing, why not look at outfits by Eileen Fisher. Actually if you are thick-waisted, then you probably want to wear an outfit with more structure, not less. Flowing type pantsuits can make a woman look lumpy and dumpy. Why not look for a dressy dinner suit with a slightly pinched waist? A dinner suit falls just below the knees and is made of a quality fabric. There is often a trim on the suit jacket and/or dressie buttons. Even though it would be a lightweight suit, you could take off the suit jacket if you're wearing a silk shell. Look for Dana Buchman, Anne Klein, St. John, Armani, Giorgio Armani evening suits in better department stores such as Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdale's, Saks and Nordstrom, and on the internet.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Mother of the Groom
Q Hi - The Mother of the Bride is wearing mid-calf dress with jacket for evening wedding in July. Grandmother of the groom is wearing floor-length and I plan to wear floor-length. Is that ok or do I (grandma will not wear anything shorter) need to be looking at tea-length dresses? I am about to try on two floor-length dresses and am now concerned that I will look awkward. Wedding Colors - Chocolate and lime green - MOB is wearing Water (light green or blue depending on lighting), Grandma is wearing SeaGlass (pale turquoise) and I am looking at Navy because the lighter colors tend to make me look washed out. Thanks!

A Since you didn't identify your role, I will assume that you are the mother of the groom. I like the idea of a navy dress with a jacket. What I am concerned about is the length of the dress. Since I don't know your build or height, in my opinion, tea-length and floor length dresses tend to make most women look dowdy. If you have decent legs and at least an average figure, why not wear a chic, dressy dinner suit? That way if you get hot dancing, you can always take off your jacket. The jacket might have three-quarter length sleeves, a scooped neckline, and be tailored to give you a bit of a nipped waist.

I agree with you about floor-length dresses looking and feeling awkward. For a ball or a fancy dress dance they are wonderful, but you're going to be in that outfit for at least six hours and you are going to want to look and feel fresh as well as comfortable. The trouble with tea-length is that unless you have a stunning figure and drop dead gorgeous legs, tea-length tends to make your legs look shorter.

As I said navy is a great color, but you might also look terrific in beige, a blue-gray, or a moss green. Also, remember that the mothers of the wedding couple do not necessarily have to wear the wedding colors. In fact, the colors I've recommended are traditionally the "mothers' colors."

Remember that in choosing your outfit, you are not trying to look like the others. You need to focus on what looks best on you. These days women are more apt to wear knee-length to an evening wedding than a floor-length gown. By the way, tea-length is just that, the length of a dress that one would wear to a tea dance.

The other important things to focus on are the quality of the construction of the suit, the quality of the fabric, and making sure that the suit is tailored to your body. You want to be wearing the suit, you don't want some dress wearing you. You have the right instincts, so go with what suits you best.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Mother of the Groom
Q My son is getting married in July, an outdoor wedding (weather permitting) in the afternoon in Ontario. The bridesmaids are wearing cornflower blue chiffon dresses (knee-length). What colour, style and length dress should I, as mother of the groom, wear? What type and colour of shoe would be suitable? Do mothers wear their corsages on the wrists or on their dress?
Thanks

A As I don't know the time of day (day or night?) or the location of the reception (ballroom or barbecue pit ?), or your body type, this is a rather general answer. It sounds like a morning or afternoon wedding if it is taking place outdoors; therefore you would wear a very good summer suit or dress with a matching jacket. Beige or ice blue are the traditional colors of the mothers, but that doesn't mean that you can't wear, say, navy blue, if you are on the heavy side. You wouldn't wear white, off-white, red, or any bold print, and certainly not cornflower blue because you don't want to look as though you are competing with the young bridesmaids. There is an old adage that the mother of the groom should fade into the background and not call attention to herself, or be needy, in any way.

Whatever the time of day, the mother's dress in an elegant and dignified manner. Think about the quality of the fabric and design and have the outfit tailored to your body so that it fits you perfectly. Don't let the outfit wear you. The length would be just below the knees. Any length longer tends to make woman over forty look dowdy, so look for a chic outfit that suits your body type.

You don't want to wear a corsage because you will be shaking lots of hands. Traditionally, the brides family will give you a flower to wear above your left breast that signifies you are a person of honor at the wedding. The flower would be the same as one of the flowers in the bride's and bridesmaids' bouquets. However, if you are wearing a very expensive dress that is of a delicate fabric, you can opt not to stick a pin in your dress. More and more, women are wearing corsages less and less. Also, for practical reasons you wouldn't want to wear a corsage that gets crushed every time someone hugs you and the wrist corsage looks dreadful after a couple of dozen handshakes. Focus on the quality of your outfit and be sure that it is tailored to your figure, no matter what your size.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Mother of the Groom
Q My son is getting married in June in a church in Penn.
The wedding is at 6 pm. I still always wear a hat at church. I want to wear a hat to my son's wedding. Is it appropriate? I will probably be wearing a yellow dress just below the knee with matching jacket and the hat is also yellow. I would not be wearing the hat to the reception of course. I just want to know about the wedding.





A Perfect. There is nothing more appropriate at a wedding than a woman in a hat. Especially when it is the groom's mother wearing the hat. I hope you'll be wearing gloves as well.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Mother of the Groom + Black
Q Can the mother of the groom wear black?

A Yes, the mother of the groom can wear black, if it is, say, a sophisticated New York City wedding. On the other hand, if it is an informal country wedding, black might seem a bit out of place.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Mother of the Groom: 3: Conntecticut
Q Didi, My son is getting married Nov 15, 3:00, in a castle in Connecticut. Semi-formal attire, fall colors; browns & burnt orange. The MOB is wearing a brown below the knee cocktail dress. I'm finding the trend in cocktail attire for the fall is black and grey. I found a beautiful black lace over ivory sheath dress with a black shawl that I love; do you think it appropriate? How about shirred black mesh over light grey lining? Both at the knee and sleeveless. I'm 39 and do not want to look dowdy.

Also, my husband (step-father) has his own tuxedo to wear, should he wear a black long tie or go with the same tie and cummbund (latte) as the wedding party?

Thanks so much for your advice!

A The beautiful black lace over ivory sheath dress sounds rather dressy for a three o'clock wedding. Plus, in November it is apt to be quite chilly in a drafty Connecticut castle. You would be much more comfortable in a beautiful warm silk or wool skirted suit that you could wear over and over. Or even a dress with a matching coat would be quite chic. You certainly won't look dowdy in either of those outfits, if they are well-made and tailored to flatter your figure. I am afraid that if you wear the shirred black mesh or the black lace over the ivory sheath you will look overdressed for a semi-formal three o'clock wedding.

As for your husband, since this is a semi-formal wedding he is totally off the hook about having to wear a tuxedo. He'll be far more comfortable in a winter-weight dark suit with black shoes and socks. If he has a good wool overcoat and gloves, he'll need those, too.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Mother of the Groom: 5:30 PM Outdoor Wedding
Q I am the mother of the groom and need advice about what to wear to an outdoor 5:30 p.m. wedding at a rustic TN winery in late May. I am 61; size 6; small/medium build. The reception will be held in a barrel barn at the winery. Perhaps a street-length jacket dress with wedge heels for walking on grass to the ceremony?

A A dress that falls just below your knees with short sleeves or a matching jacket would be perfect for a 5:30 PM outdoor wedding. The problem with wedge heels is that they make dancing difficult. As the mother of the groom, you will be asked to dance by not only your son, but by the father of the bride, as well as numerous other wedding guests, so you will need to rethink the shoes.

A pair of pretty flats or pumps would be better than wedge heels, which are too darn stiff for dancing. Wear either around the house for a couple of months to break them in before the wedding to be sure that they won't cut into your skin. You will be in those shoes for about six hours, so you will want to make sure that they not only look elegant, but that they fit properly.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: Mother of the Groom: 5PM August
Q I am the mother of the groom for a 5PM wedding in late August in Virginia. The reception will be immediately following in a country club with dinner and dancing (live band). The attendants will be wearing a knee-length dress. What should I wear?

A By all means, whenever possible wear a dress that falls just below your knees. Long dresses tend to make most women look slightly dowdy. Why not wear a smart, chic, dress with a matching jacket or a dressy dinner suit? As I don't know your build or coloring, this is a rather general answer to your very important question.

If you have a medium build, wear a tailored silk suit with a jacket that has a nipped waist, a low neckline, and three-quarter length sleeves. It will be a long day, so you'll want to look as crisp and fresh at 5PM as at 11PM. Make this outfit an investment that you can wear to future special occasions. Have it tailored to fit your figure and flatter your figure. The colors of the mother-of-the-groom, and depending upon your coloring, are beige, navy blue, moss green, coral, ice blue, blue-gray, and taupe. If it is a church wedding, you could wear a hat and/or gloves to the ceremony and leave them in the car before going into the reception at the country club.

Customarily, the mother of the bride would send you a photo of the outfit that she is wearing so that you can coordinate length, style, and color. There is nothing wrong with you asking the MOB what she is wearing and if she has a photo of the dress that you could see and return. This is commonly done. You do not have to match her; you do not want to match her. If she chooses to wear sequins and stilettos at 5PM, please don't; you don't have to. Another thing that you'll want to find out are the wedding colors because you wouldn't want to show up in the same color dress as the attendants, because it might look as if you were competing with them.

Your son will probably know the wedding colors because that is usually a decision that the wedding couple make together. If the MOB doesn't respond to your questions about her outfit, back off because it probably means that she hasn't found her outfit yet and she's feeling pressured. Just tell her what you've been thinking about wearing and ask her advice. Then say, "Just let me know because I wouldn't want to wear the color you've already chosen." Even if you don't know what you're wearing yet, you can tell her that you're thinking about a dressy dinner suit so that you can take off the jacket for the dancing if it gets too hot. You can say, "Since you're the MOB you have first choice of colors and I'll follow your lead." Wh