
Discover How To. . .
Is there something you wish to do, hope to do, or have to do that you’re queasy about doing or having to say?
Do you need affirmation that what you’re doing is right or that another person’s behavior is wrong? You are not alone.
Ask for an opinion about how to do nearly anything having to do with manners and étiquette, and I’ll answer as honestly and quickly as I can.
Whether it is what to do with an olive pit at a cocktail party, or how to comfort a child through the mourning process.
Here are a few recent How To questions . . .
HOW DO I…

How to Fold A Pocket Handerchief
What can you tell me about the pocket handkerchief, the pocket square? How do I know when to wear one? How do I fold a pocket handkerchief?
How to approach a pocket square is a frequent question here at NewportManners. Here is a rather concise and nicely illustrated guide to pocket squares:
Let’s start with the Golden Rules according to Australian etiquette expert Clare Maxfield that we’ve adapted ever so slightly for NewportManners.
The 4 simple folds that speak volumes
about who you are.
The Leader (Presidential Fold)- Very presidential -Very dramatic in an extremely simple kind of way. It says, I know how to look good, be stylish and be a leader all in one straight fold of the hanky.
- Fold your hanky square and flat. Position it in your pocket with the fold above the opening of the pocket.
Classical Style – (2 or 3 point folds) Whether it is two or three points on your hanky, this one is classically sophisticated. This style is more traditional than the Leader and therefore a safer bet and not quite as powerful. It is worn by the man who knows he needs to look good but wants as little attention to his outfit as possible.
- To create the points lay your handkerchief down folded twice with the four points all in one corner. Splay two points apart to create the two points and then fold the sides in to make it fit into your pocket.
- For three points you can fold your kerchief diagonally to start and bring the outer edges up to the left and right of the centre point.
The Puff – This looks like the head of an octopus blooming out of the pocket. It is less restrained than the first two. It is easy to create.
- Grab the kerchief from the centre and pull it up through a neck created by your thumb and forefinger.
- When you have about 4 centimeters or an inch and a half up through your fingers.
- Push the remainder in your hand into your pocket. You can stretch it across your pocket for a billowy soft effect. This is very romantic and easy going.
The Flop – The most avant-garde style of all. It is simply an upside down Puff.
- Start as you would The Puff only pop the kerchief into your pocket puff side first and have all of the corners dangling out and over your pocket. This is more like an explosion of fabric out of your pocket. It says you are flamboyant, fun and take nothing serous.
- You can also take this approach only leave a lot less visible above the pocket for a more creative version of the Classic.
When researching this information Ms. Mayfield stumbled across this page from The Idle Man and decided, rather than reinvent the wheel, or in this case, the pocket square, here are the instructions. They may have named their folds in a slightly different manner, however, I am sure you can see them and follow along. The intrsuctions are really very simple.
Presidential Fold
This is the easiest and quickest way to fold a pocket square. Classic, simple and smart, this fold is great for formal occasions. Typically done in white linen or silk.
Pocket Square Fold or Presidential Fold – Customarily worn with a man’s suit
- Lay the pocket square flat
- Fold in half from left to right
- Fold the bottom up
- Flip over and position inside your pocket keeping around ½ an inch visible
One-Point Fold
Another simple fold to learn, the one-point fold is versatile and can be worn for business occasions or casual events. Best done in cotton or linen.
- Lay the pocket square flat with a corner facing you
- Fold in half from bottom corner to top corner
- Fold the left corner in
- Fold the right corner in
Two-Point Fold
The two-point fold is a slight variation of the one-point fold. It is just as versatile but looks more impressive. Perfect for subtly injecting a bit more style into your outfit. Works well whether you opt for plain or patterned fabric.
- Lay the pocket square flat with a corner facing you
- Fold in half from the bottom but don’t align the tips. You can choose to keep the tips at the same level or have one high than the other.
- Fold the left corner in
- Fold the right corner in
- Flip over and position inside your pocket
Crown Fold
The crown fold is more prominent than the two-point fold. It firmly represents the mark of a stylish man. This is where you go from beginner to skilful. Again, these precise folds work best in cotton or linen.
- Lay the pocket square flat with a corner facing you
- Fold in half from the bottom but don’t align the tips
- Fold the left corner diagonally up to create the third tip
- Fold the right corner in
- Flip over and position inside your pocket
Cagney Fold
A variation on the crown fold creates a four-point, cagney fold.
- Lay the pocket square flat with a corner facing you
- Fold in half from the bottom but don’t align the tips
- Fold the left corner diagonally up to create the third tip
- Fold the right corner diagonally up to create the fourth tip
- Fold the outermost corners in to the middle to finish
Winged Puff Fold
The winged puff fold is pretty straightforward, clean and formal. It’s great for business occasions and a step-up from the presidential fold. Take your pick from cotton, linen or silk.
- Lay the pocket square flat with a corner facing you
- Fold in half from top to bottom
- Fold the top left and right corners down to meet the bottom point
- Fold the left, right and bottom corners in
- Tuck into your pocket with the vertical fold lines visible at the front
Mountains Fold
Photo credit: Sam Hober
- Lay your pocket square flat with a corner facing you
- Pick it up from the middle and try to tuck the sides in as best you can before holding it together at the base
- Now carefully roll the top down towards you
- Turn it around so that the rolled fabric is now at the bottom and you’re ready to place it into your pocket
Rolled Puff Fold
A variation of the mountains, this fold is slightly neater as it tucks away the corners, making it versatile. Wear for formal or casual events. The rolled puff fold works well in silk.
Photo credit: Sam Hober
- Lay your pocket square flat with a corner facing you
- Pick it up from the middle and try to tuck the sides in as best you can before holding it together at the base
- Now carefully roll the top down towards you
- Gently fold the bottom points up and firmly grasp to place in your pocket
Three Stairs Fold
The three stairs fold might take a bit of practise but the results are worth it. This style is clean-cut but still makes an impact with its intricate folds. It’s a great way to show off some personality at a formal or business occasion. This fold works best in cotton or linen.
Photo credit: Sam Hober
- Lay the pocket square flat with a corner facing you and fold in half from bottom corner to top corner
- Fold the top corner of the first layer down so that the point sits past the base
- Then fold the point back up so that the point sits just past the newly created fold
- Once again, take the point and fold it down so that the point sits past the base
- Fold back up so that the point sits past the latest fold
- At this point you may want to gently press the folds in place with an iron on low heat
- Carefully fold the right side behind the left side keeping the folds on the outside
- Take the bottom right corner and rotate the pocket square 90 degrees so that this corner is now at the top and fold the left side in
- To finish, fold the right side in, making a square base
Written by Clare Maxfield at claremaxfield.com.au and adapted for our readers at NewportManners.

How To Really Know Your Lover
How do I know when I’ve found my soul mate? Having two twice divorced parents, I’m skittish about getting married. My boyfriend’s parents aren’t divorced, but he thinks they should be. Are there rules of courtship that help to determine whether two people are meant for each other?
Are you looking for an acid test in the form or a series of mean and horrific tests to find out if a person is cool enough for you? Then you’re looking in all the wrong places. That said, if there are ‘fifty ways to leave your lover,’ then there may be a way that you two can question each other in order to identify your compatibility and commitment levels.
The New York Times recently published,”The 36 Questions That Lead to Love,” after which you are encouraged to stare at each other for four minutes, although according to the comments, two minutes may be powerful enough.
The 36 Questions That Lead to Love
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …”
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …”
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most upsetting? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
A similar quiz recently appeared in a blog by Mandy Len Catron, which was originally created by psychologist Arthur Aron 20 years ago and has suddenly become a popular New York Times app (The New York Times, in consultation with Dr. Aron, has created this quiz, also available at nytimes.com/36questions).
Since it is all over the internet, I thought it would help you to know your lover better. But be sure to break up the questioning into sets, because as you can see, it is rather intense.

How to Negotiate A Prenup
My parents insist that I make my fiancé sign a prenup when he is perfectly solvent and hugely successful. It seems cruel and it is definitely not sexy. My father has had a prenup made up, but I can't bring my head or heart around to asking my fiancé to sign it. How can I politely get out of having to do this or politely ask my fiancé to sign it -- without having one of them hate me? S.L., Santa Monica, CA
How to negotiate a prenup?
This is a hugely important, yet really tricky conversation, but you’re not alone. Take heart in knowing that only three percent of married or engaged American couples confess to having a prenuptial agreement (according to the New York Times).
Nevertheless, members of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers report that over the past few years there has been a 63% increase in signed prenuptial agreements.
As soon as possible — and at least a month before your wedding — make a date with your fiancé when you’re flying high about your up-coming marriage, and gently ask him if he could, please, do you one huge favor to humor and indulge your father.
Sweeten your request by offering to make a compromise on another possible source of contention that you know you can keep: For instance, if he doesn’t like your cat or cats in general, you’ll find another home for it.
Before you do this, look up your state’s marriage and divorce laws, because he might not know them either.
You should also have a serious conversation before the prenup talk about who is paying for what? Will you be going back to work after having children? What happens if one of you dies? And, How much should you try to save?
By the way, a respected law firm won’t handle your prenup if it includes any clause that deals with such life-style issues as, If you cheat on me, I get a set amount of money. If you gain over a certain amount of weight, I divorce you. Or, If you become addicted to drugs or alcohol, I divorce you.

How to Wear Suspenders (Braces)
My father wears suspenders and my grandfather wore suspenders, but who wears them now? They are so cool, I would like to give them a go, but how do I know which are right for me?
I am forty-five and wear business suits five days a week, although the dress code at my office loosens on Friday. My partner and I have an active social life, which calls for suits as well as blazers and sport jackets.
Suspender wearers are dashing lookers, and, yes, forty-five is just the right age to start wearing them. They reek of success. Nevertheless, there are serious dos and don’ts.
For instance, you wouldn’t wear suspenders, also called ‘braces,’ with metal clips in the front and back. Instead, your suspenders/braces should attach to your trousers by way of buttons and buttonholes on the waistband of the trousers. Ideally the fabric, which would be silk or felt, should not be too narrow.
For a cool guide to wearing suspenders/braces, Antonio Centeno is an authority. To learn more, here is a helpful link to his infographic, ‘How To Properly Wear Suspenders?’ http://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-properly-wear-suspenders-antonio-centeno
To see up-to-date suspenders/braces go to Paul Stuart and click on ‘Belts & Braces’: http://www.paulstuart.com

How to Hold A Teacup And Stir Your Tea Properly
I'm going to attend a formal tea at the Four Seasons in Boston and I want to know how to hold a teacup properly. Also, where do I put the spoon and do I stick my pinky out or keep it in? Please help.
To learn how to hold a teacup properly, nobody does it better than the British etiquette expert William Hanson. Watch his YouTube video ‘How to hold a teacup and stir your tea properly’ where Mr. Hanson demonstrates how to hold the teacup properly, how to stir your tea, where to place your spoon and where to gaze your eyes while sipping your tea.
YouTube:

How to Tell Someone Something Embarrassing
My wonderful, beautiful wife often has residue from salad between two of her front teeth. Or we'll arrive somewhere and her lipstick has somehow transferred from her lips to her top front teeth. Should I or should I not tell her? I love her the way she is and don't want to make her feel insecure by pointing out such minor flaws. N.A., Philadelphia
You have to make a joke out of the fact that everything that lands on her front teeth seems to stay there. Tell her you don’t want to embarrass her, but ask if she wants you to tell her. Chances are she will welcome a subtle hint. Have an expression you use in conversation, such as “the horse is out of the barn on that one,” to suggest something is awry. You can use body language to signal her by taking your straightened index finger and running it horizontally along your upper lip to let her know there is something askew under that painted lip.

How to Address A Condolence to A Dr.'s Wife
How do I address a sympathy card to a doctor and his wife when it is the wife's mother who just passed? Somehow it doesn't seem proper not to address it to the wife but I don't want to disrespect the doctor either. Thank you.
You would address the sympathy card to the blood relative. In this case you would address it to the doctor’s wife. For instance Mrs. John L. Evans (their address). However, inside the card you would write in closing: “Kindest regards to you and John (or Dr. Evans),” before signing your name.

How to Ace A Job Interview Lunch
Not having been brought up in the US, I am daunted by my upcoming lunch with the man who is interviewing me. What are the dos and don't?
Learn about the restaurant. Then about the place setting and use the utensil starting from the outside working in toward the plate. Watch your host, because he seats himself first and begins eating first. Mimic what to do when. Since He sits first, he motions to where you would sit. Cover your lap with your napkin.
Lift the food on your fork, or spoon, up to your mouth and never lean down to put your face closer to your plate. Never leave the table, because you will have used the restroom before the interview, and you do not want to rudely put your back to the interviewer and leave him unattended. Should there be an accident of spilled water, etc., don’t make an incident out of it. The upset should not be the interviewer’s take-away from the meeting. Lay your napkin discreetly over the spill, spread out neatly and leave it there. Swiftly brush crumbs into the palm of your hand and deposit them on the bread plate. Crumbs aren’t actually a distraction to anyone, but the person who makes them.
Always leave used utensils on the plate, even when you have not finished eating. Once you’ve used a utensil, it does not return to the tablecloth. How the interviewee interacts with the waitstaff has it’s own nuance: Be professional, by not being rude or overly-friendly. In other words, you would not engage the waiter in chit-chat.
Absolutely, do not wave your utensils or scrape them noisily against the china, because they are unpleasant distractions.
Nor would the interviewee order a drink before the interviewer’s arrival. If the interviewer orders a drink or wine with the meal, follow suit, but drink it slowly and only have one, even if you’re the only one not having more than one. It is part of the test. If you don’t drink, then simply say, “I don’t drink.”
The point is that an employer wants to know that the employee represents the company in every way. Socially as well as professionally. The interviewer wants to be assured that their employees can be trusted to act civilly with clients. For instance, no touching or off-colored or political jokes, even if the interviewer makes the first move, because he may be baiting the interviewee. Some employers will want to know that you can represent him in the event that he cannot make a business lunch.
Leave the napkin to the left of the plate setting loosely folded. Send a thank-you note either handwritten or an email within twenty-four hours.

How to Ask Guests to Pay
Hi, my 30th Birthday is coming up & I plan on renting a limo & taking it to a club & inviting 9 friends. The limo costs $435 though & I was wondering if it is polite to ask my friends to contribute whatever they can afford to the cost of the limo instead of gifts. How would I word this on the invitation? Lauren, Location withheld
Great idea for a 30th Birthday! In your email invitation all you need is one subtle line that goes something like this:
In lieu of a gift, you are welcome to pitch in any amount toward the cost of the limo and driver for the evening. Thank you!
Lauren, Happy Birthday and have a safe night clubbing with your friends. ~Didi

How to Fill in A Reply Card
My boyfriend and I were invited to his friend's wedding. I have never met them. I'm sure they will need both of our names filled in on the RSVP card, right? Help please! I don't know the proper way to fill out the name portion on the RSVP card! G.T., Providence
You may need to use more space at the bottom of the reply card. Just draw an arrow down to add the second name. List both of your names connected with the word ‘and.’ If you are eighteen or older you are, for instance, Ms. Susan Smith and he is Mr. John Brown. They would fill out their names on the reply card starting after the line that begins M_________:
Ms. Susan Smith and Mr. John Brown

What to Write in A Condolence Letter
When writing a condolence letter to the family to whom do I write and should I include his or her spouse in my greeting? D.T., Newport
Traditionally, you address the envelope and write the salutation to the deceased’s spouse/partner. When there isn’t one, the closest blood relative that you know best: their brother, sister, grandparent, child, aunt, uncle, cousin, or the person’s best friend. If the spirit moves you, it is fine to write to more than one of the deceased’s survivors.
The places to mention the survivor’s spouse/partner’s name and your spouses name, or both, are in the greeting or/and the closing. The greeting might begin with, “Allison joins me in saying we are deeply sorry for your loss”. Then in closing, you could write, “You and Bill are in our hearts and thoughts (prayers),” before signing your name.
Unless you have a great anecdote to tell about the deceased or feel you have to fill in relationship background (She was the best roommate ever in college.), make the note three short paragraphs. A greeting saying you’re writing about their loss; a sentence complimenting the music, wake, service, ceremony, or speakers; closing with a final descriptive word about the deceased (He was the most honest man I knew. She taught me all about roses and made the best brownies.) followed by your closing sentence, “Kenneth and I send you and Lisa our fondest regards and deepest sympathy.”
The survivor is in the fragile state of mourning, and you don’t want to say anything that belittles their feelings with cliches. Such as, “Time heals all wounds,” “He’s in a better place, “She is no longer suffering” “It will get easier with time.” “It must have been his time.” “It was God’s will.” “At least you still have …..”
Instead, write a closing that is genuine and sincere such as, “John will remain in our hearts forever,” “We will all miss Janet,” “We send you thoughts of peace and courage,” “May you be comforted by the outpouring of support that surrounds you,” “May your heart and soul find peace and comfort,” “Sent with love and remembrance,”

Restaurant Parties
Didi, you have helped me write a post-wedding dinner party invitation to honor our recently married daughter and her husband. It will be a formal dinner in a private room at an Italian restaurant for fifty people. What do I need to know to make sure I remember to do in preparation? Favors necessary or expected? Escort cards? Background music? Wedding pictures of the couple??? Anything else??
Personally, I like table cards for each guest with their first and last name on the outside and the table number in the inside. Then have the tables numbered so guests can see the number. Once seated, the wait staff would take away the number card. At each place setting there would be a place card with the guest’s first and last name. The more formal the invitation and the dinner, the more formal the seating. Any good stationery store will have table cards and place cards. I am not a fan of the table chart. When the numbers are displayed well on the tables, you would not need a seating chart.
At the entrance to the room or in the cocktail area, you would have a table set up with the place cards alphabetically arranged. When greeting a guest remember to ask them to pick up their table number before going into dinner in order to find their place card. Guests like knowing where they are going to sit and a good host makes sure guests feel welcomed.
Most guests will leave their party favor behind, unless the favor is a very small box of handcrafted chocolate that can be sampled at the table with coffee or secured in a jacket pocket or small evening bag to be eaten later.
If you are not having dancing, you will not need a band. Perhaps, the wedding couple would enjoy a trio or quartet. If the room has a piano, the pianist could play during the cocktail hour and then again when dessert and champagne are served and the toasts begin.
When making up your agreement with the restaurant manager, you want to be sure that there are, for instance, filled water glasses, butter plates and knives, salt and pepper, cloth napkins and tablecloths, and some kind of lighting on the table (either votives, laterns, or small LED operated table lamps). You would order the flowers yourself or ask the manager for the name of their florist. The flowers should represent the time of year and not be too tall or too wide, so you would give the florist the number of tabletops and whether they are for eight or ten. An added touch would be to have a printed menu card on the tables at each place setting with the wedding couple’s name and date of marriage preceding the list of courses and wine pairings.
Ahead of time you would do a tasting of the menu and the wine pairing giving guests a choice of a red or white wine during dinner and a glass or two of champagne with dessert. The menu should be worked out in advance, but be sure to have an alternative choice, so if a guest asks for a vegetarian plate, it will be available. The plate of food should look colorful and the food should not only taste good, but you want it wet and juicy looking. Be sure to specify that you want bread baskets and how often they should be passed or replaced. You also want to know how many waiters there will be per table, because you don’t want some guests carving into their filet mignon when others are still on the soup course. For instance during cocktails you should have one server passing hors d’oeuvres for every twenty-five guests. For a formal multi-course seated dinner, you should be assured that there will be at least one but preferably two waiters for every ten to twelve guests.
As to the toasts, keep them brief and simple. No written out speeches. The smaller the gathering the shorter and fewer the toasts should be. As for displaying the wedding photos, perhaps, it might be an elegant touch for the wedding couple to send a 3×5 wedding photo along with their thank-you note to each guest in appreciation for their wedding present.

Gently Teaching A Child about Death
My mother-in-law passed away recently. My husband, his brother and sister have been grieving. They have an aunt who lives in California who is my mother-in-law’s sister.
My question is should the children, my husband, my brother-in-law, my sister-in -law be expected to send sympathy cards to their mother’s brother and sisters. I have a brother and I wouldn’t expect my nieces or nephews to send me a sympathy card when he passed away.
As you well know, it is not just about the sympathy card. It is about how as a parent you start talking to your child about the rituals of death and grieving.
Whether we realize it or not, everyone is brought up to deal with death in their own way and in their own time. Some experiences are of course better than others. The closer you are to a person, the deeper the grief and the longer the sadness of mourning. Experience teaches how to respond as we grow older and what we teach our children about accepting death.
You could say that we teach children about death and dying with baby steps. Your husband’s aunt is a perfect opportunity to gently show your children that it is alright to express emotion for someone who has died, and show them how to respond. By having the child see that you’ve bought a card to tell a relative you are saddened because you know they share your sadness, is a simple lesson. Albeit, a sweet gesture.
Obviously, there is no need to get into the gory details with young children, but discussing death should not be a taboo. Death in any family is an inevitable shock unto itself. Being sensitive to the changing emotions within a family for other family members makes sense to me.

How to Deal with Registry Omission in The Wedding Packet
What do you do if you’ve already sealed the wedding invitations but forgot to include where you are registered?
Can you put it on the back of the envelope or would that be crass?
Most of your friends and colleagues will know to go to your wedding website to find such information as where you are registered. Or they’ll find your bridal registry on theknot.com or registryfinder.com.
They’ll know to look for your names on registries at websites for Macy’s, Pottery Barn, William-Sonoma, Nordstrom, Bed, Bath & Beyond, Neiman Marcus, Tiffany & C0., Michael C. Fina, Bergdorf Goodman, and Bloomingdale’s, or wherever they like to shop for wedding gifts.
Take heart in knowing that a great many people feel it is tacky to include wedding registry advertising along with the wedding invitation in the wedding invitation packet.
Through word of mouth you can get the word out that you may seem old-fashioned, but you did NOT include your registry with the invitation.
That opens the door to their asking, “Where are you registered?”
Accepting A Compliment
Acknowledgements
Addressing
Addressing
Adult Child
Adult Children
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Dress Code & Grooming
E-Mail Etiquette
Employer-Employee
Interview Tips
Office Parties
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