Codes + Conduct Archives - Newport Manners

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SAYING YOU ARE WELCOME
Creative Etiquette Solutions

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SAYING YOU ARE WELCOME

When did the expression “You are welcome” slide from fashion? When I thank someone for helping me in some small or large way and I say, “Thank you,” I miss hearing the reply “You’re welcome.”

How do we bring back saying, “You’re Welcome”?

–Grace, Hilton Head, SC

Don't stop using "You are welcome." Preserve the dialogue of gratitude. Keep using "You're welcome," and people won't take it for granted.

What you have to remember about saying "you're welcome," is that it ends the dialogue. What do you say in response to "You're welcome"? You don't have to say anything.

~Didi

MOURNING A SINGLE FRIEND — CONDOLENCES
Creative Etiquette Solutions

MOURNING A SINGLE FRIEND — CONDOLENCES

A childhood friend died a short time ago and we can’t figure out how to contact his family to offer our condolences. He wasn’t married nor did he have a SO — that we know of.

He was visiting friends of his in Palm Beach as a houseguest when he died “peacefully in his sleep,” but we don’t know the names of his hosts.

We just heard about his death in Palm Beach through a mutual friend who didn’t know the details. As the deceased did not have a next of kin, we don’t know how we can express our sympathy. What would you suggest?

–Name Withheld

Go to Legacy.com to find information about your friend and where to send your condolences. He may not have had a close next of kin, but information as to who that closest person might be, can possibly be found there.

The site will list the name of the deceased and person in charge of his estate (either a partner, significant other, lover, cousin, lawyer, an estate manager, appointed representative, or closest blood relative), along with the name of the funeral home director, who handled the burial and should respond in a timely fashion to a quick phone call to provide you with that contact's information.

There is no time constraint on sending a condolence note. Whoever is handling your friend's personal affairs will appreciate your taking the time to write him or her a note.

~Didi

GENDER BASED JOB DISCRIMINATION
Creative Etiquette Solutions

GENDER BASED JOB DISCRIMINATION

This question about gender based job discrimination may be an ethics question or it may be about etiquette, perhaps you can help me. I’ve applied for a big job that I know I’ll be good at.

Am I under any obligation to give information about my children? Friends, who are also mothers in a similar dilemma and “confessed” to having children, didn’t get the job.

I am totally covered as far as childcare is concerned, but if something did come up and it was discovered that I have children, will it seem that I’ve done something remiss by not having volunteered that information?

–Name Withheld

On the job application there should not have been a question about children or, for that matter, any gender based job discrimnation issue. During a job interview you're not obliged to bring up your parental status. You should not be asked.

Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964: Equal Opportunity, prohibits employment discrimination based on race, color, religion, national origin and sex. Legally, you cannot be penalized for being a mother.

Remember that a man who makes it known that he has children is traditionally paid a higher salary or/and accrues more benefits than a woman in the same job.
Men in the workplace are rewarded for having children, while women doing the same job are penalized.

Keep your parental status private: My best advice is to keep quiet about the kids until after you're weathered and tested. Leave your children's photos in your office desk drawer and on your cellphone. Eventually when you've secured the respect of your colleagues and those you report to, gently let out tidbits of news about your brilliant off-spring. Sorry, that's the way it is.

Should a colleague say, "I didn't know that you had children," nonchalantly respond saying, "I didn't think anyone would be interested."

The biggest mistake in terms of office politics is swearing one or two coworkers to secrecy. Your maternal status shouldn't be a secret per se, as a man wouldn't have had to keep his adorable kids hush-hush, because strutting paternity is considered macho.

It's the gaming system. You're not alone. I know that it doesn't sound fair, but until you're sure of safe footing, you may have to play the game.

Of course, if you're directly asked in a job interview (which is illegal) it may be the first clue that the job really isn't for you.

Check out the company culture at glassdoor.com.

~Didi

I Can’t Get Rid Of My Husband — Divorce
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I Can’t Get Rid Of My Husband — Divorce

My husband and I separated a year ago. I’ve tried many times to persuade him to get a lawyer so we can get a divorce and let bygones be bygones, however, he’s lazy and cheap and can’t seem to find time to deal with our fizzled out marriage. I’ve tried talking to our mutual friends for support, but he doesn’t listen to them either. Help!

–AW, Brooklyn, NY

Do online research to look for how to get a quickie divorce. For instance, Angelina Jolie's divorce lawyer, Laura Wasser, offers quickie online divorces (as well as annulments and separations) starting at a fee as low as $750 at: It's Over Easy -

https://www.itsovereasy.com

~Didi

The Politics of Pleasure — How To Talk About Bad Sex
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Politics of Pleasure — How To Talk About Bad Sex

My question is about talking about bad sex.

What is the best way to talk about bad sex? I feel I need to talk about it, but I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding as though I’m shaming him or being critical. I don’t consider myself a “Second Wave” feminist or a Twitter feminist, I just like sex.

–Name Withheld

Bad sex for women is different from bad sex for men. What the guy perceives is stress from trying to keep pace so that when he arrives at the right time and with the right tempo, he won't be too exhausted. Bad sex for a women varies from sensing disinterest to succumbing to the grinding of a workhorse.

The classic cultural conditioning of submission: his organism is requisite, hers elective. The reward is self-esteem; the price is self-respect.

As women are expected/socialized to be the emotional nannies at their own expense, our sexually illiterate culture makes it difficult to talk about bad sex and the many nuances of consent or the curves of great sex.

If he likes to read, send him this short story:

"The Cat Person," by Kristen Roupenian,
from the online New Yorker magazine:
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/12/11/cat-person.

Hopefully, after reading this sexy story he'll then be open to a discussion about the intricacies of intimate sex and gender power dynamics.

~Didi

More On Business Lunch Table Manners — Flatware and Napkin
Creative Etiquette Solutions

More On Business Lunch Table Manners — Flatware and Napkin

When you’re having a business lunch where do you put your knife and your fork when you’re taking a break from eating while discussing business? Sometimes it seems awkward resting them on the plate, but I’m never sure whether I can put them back on the table, or what?

–Harry, Philadelphia, PA

Especially during this flu season when we've all turned into germaphobes, table manners make special sense when it comes to safe gourmet hygiene.

They say that tables where people eat are germ breeders, so when you return your fork and knife to the table, instead of leaving them on your plate, you're not only leaving your germs but food that turns to bacteria on the table.
Just as you wouldn't blow your nose into your napkin and leave the napkin on the table.

Once your fork and spoon touch food and your saliva, they don't return to the table. Leave the utensils you've contaminated on your plate or in the soup bowl.

~Didi

The Many Joys of Kisses and Kissing — Romance
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Many Joys of Kisses and Kissing — Romance

When I greet someone and they give me a smack on the cheek or a smooch on the lips I always wonder how that person knew what kind of kiss to give me. My partner doesn’t enjoy kissing, so my kisses with him are those of affection — more than passion.

–FS, Penobscot, ME

Described in a variety of words there are many kinds of kisses used in different types of relationships to express love, affection, peace, respect, friendship, romance.

The French have twenty words and the Germans use over thirty words for a kiss.
The physical act of kissing between two people consists of the combined sensitivity of touch, taste and smell.

There are a lot of reasons guys don’t kiss. Someone at some point, perhaps when as a kid playing Spin the Bottle or Post Office, or when he was a pimply teen, told him he didn’t know how to kiss.

Or that his kisses were too wet or not wet enough. Maybe he was repelled because he was too rough. He may know, or think, that he has bad breath.

Why ask me? It is you who should be so curious that you ask him — your boyfriend.

Opening up to you about kissing may well loosen his lips.

However, keep in mind:

Kissing is not universally accepted; there are parts of the world where it is taboo to kiss in public.
In some cultures lip-kissing is still banned.

~Didi

The Business Lunch — Eating While Negotiating
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The Business Lunch — Eating While Negotiating

My question is about the business lunch.

Are business deals negotiated over sharing a meal or having drinks necessary? Our boss just took away our expense accounts for taking clients to lunch. It doesn’t make sense. And it leaves us coming up short when clients want lunch and we have to pay, or at least pay our share.

–TG, Morristown, NJ

"Let's do lunch." Martini lunches are rare these days, but the martini-less business lunch or dinner is still as pivotal as ever in strengthening relationships and sealing the deal.

In Russia and Japan business is almost always conducted over a meal.
Tell your boss that recent studies exploring reasons why deciding vital issues while sharing a meal raises the level of productivity in discussions.

According to a recent article in the Harvard Business Review, two studies showed glucose levels boost brain activities bolstering self-control and "regulating prejudice and aggressive behaviors."

Eating together affected negation outcomes.
"The students who ate together while negotiating -- either at a restaurant or over food brought into a business conference room -- created significantly increased profits compared to those who negotiated without dining.
Individuals who negotiated in restaurants created 12% greater profits than those who negotiated over food in a conference room where the fair is likely to be a sandwich and water rather than a full meal

Body language:

Other research shows that the unconscious mimicking behaviors of others leads to increased pro-social behaviors; apparently when individuals eat together they act out the same facial and hand motions.
This unconscious mimicking of each other may induce positive feelings toward both the other party and the matter under discussion.

Table manners are important.

If one of the people you are dining with has gross table manners, you're less likely to stay engaged in what he's saying because he's talking with his mouth full of food, distracting you into thinking about his appalling manners and not the business at hand.

~Didi

Knowing When To Use A First Name
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Knowing When To Use A First Name

When is it appropriate to call your elders by their first name?

–OP, Chicago

Thanks for your great question asking about when it's appropriate to call your elders by their first name.

Of course, it could depend upon the age difference between you, as well as the nature of the relationship.

The protocol is that you would wait until the older person asked you to call her or him by their first name.

There are exceptions: when the elder is your relative or a long-time friend.

You've known your friend's parents since you were a small child and always called your friend's mom Charlotte and the dad Charles.

Often with parents of friends, take the cue from the formality of their friend's relationship with their parents as to how their parents wish to be addressed.

If your friend calls them "mother" and "father," then you would probably call them Mrs. Brown or Mr. Brown, unless asked to do so otherwise.
On the other hand, if your friend calls her/his parents Dick and Jane, no doubt you're already calling them Dick or Jane.

In a situation where the older person is your employer, you would wait to be invited by Mrs. Brown to call her by her first name.

Or if a fellow employee says, "It's alright to call the boss George. He likes us to call him by his first name."

When in doubt, go by the standard of protocol until the person has said to you, "Oliver, please call me Didi."

When you've known the older person a lengthy time, and you're not an employee, it is perfectly acceptable to ask, "May I call you Didi?"
Or a future daughter-in-law might say to her mother-in-law, "What would you like me to call you?" Then the mother-in-law would say, "Please, call me, Louise."

If, say, you think your mother's known your girlfriend long enough to be on a first name basis and you want Zoe to call your mother by her first name, suggest to your mother that she tells your girlfriend to, "Please, call me Louise."

Any further questions? We're here to help.

~Didi

How To Ask For A Salary Raise
Creative Etiquette Solutions

How To Ask For A Salary Raise

How do I go about getting a salary raise? I’ve worked for two years and not received an increase, nor a promotion nor any additional compensation.

I work overtime when I have to get my job done on time. I like my job, but it is a startup company without a Human Resources department to go to for advice.

I’m not confrontational because I’m constantly being cradled into complacency when I’m told that my work is exceptional and appreciated. But those praises are not reflected in my paycheck.

I happen to know that three of my male coworkers recently received raises. What really ticks me off is that I recently completed a certificate process in my field that these coworkers don’t have.

–Name Withheld, Providence

The gender gap is real, especially when it comes to paychecks, but it is slowly shrinking. I'm not asking you to wait it out, if anything, I want you to create a sales pitch - but you'll need to do some research.

Figure out your pitch to your boss.

The onus is on you to prove that you deserve a raise in salary. Start by preparing your pitch.

Made sure you've had an end to the 2017 job review. If you didn't get one, ask for one and for specific performance-review goals. Find out what is expected of you.
Ask what's different about your work from that of the coworkers who did get a raise and what it would take to bring you to parity.
If represented by a union and you work on a contract, find out where you are on the pay scale.
Research salaries in your line of work at several online sources.
Check the Bureau of Labor Statistics that oversees a thousand occupations.

Then practice:

Now that you're ready to practice your sales pitch, start by reciting it, alone, in the mirror, before cajoling a colleague or friend to critique your pitch.
Give examples of instances where you've shined to remind your boss that you are worthy of a raise.
Remember you're not asking for a special present, only compensation for your work.

Once you're confident that your arguments are valid:

Email your boss for an appointment to discuss your work.
Set up a time to meet by suggesting two different days, and let her/him set the exact time of the meeting.

Should your boss turn down your request for a raise:

Don't back down, stay firm.
Be prepared to suggest other duties you are willing to perform to meet your salary requirements.
Request that you and s/he revisit your request for a raise in six months.
Ask for a bonus or stock options.
Suggest training opportunities that would make you better skilled at your job.
Worse comes to worst and it is obvious that you won't be getting a raise, ask for a different work schedule or more vacation time. If traveling is part of your job, ask for fewer trips.

At the end of the day, if you're not receiving the compensation you feel you deserve, look for another company to work for.

But don't give up your current job before you have a better one.

~Didi

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