Codes + Conduct Archives - Newport Manners

Doggie Dilemma: Friendship
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Doggie Dilemma: Friendship

Bonjour Didi,

First of all Bonjour! A conversation never starts in France without saying “Bonjour” first. A good European Manners Tip. I have a question for you!

What do you do when an ‘almost’ friend has painted a portrait of your dog and it is the worst painting you have ever seen. To boot, I have a collection of professional painters that have painted my Violette and they are hung in my long entrance hallway. I can’t hang this one. Honestly, not to hurt her feelings what do I do? I’m attaching a photo of my favorite painting of Violette to date.

–Cynthia, Uzès, France

Bonjour Cynthia, About your doggie dilemma. What a sticky situation to be in at the start of a new friendship. Believe it or not, people find themselves in this kind of a muddle more often than you could imagine. Especially with displays of framed photos. This is what you can do. When you know your new artist friend is coming to visit, beforehand, take down one of the paintings hanging in your long hallway and put it away. Replace it with the painting of Violette that you detest. After your new friend has gone home, hide her painting of Violette until her next visit, and rehang the painting that was there originally.

Alternatively, you could have a heart-to-heart conversation with your 'almost' new friend the artist. Ask her if she wouldn't mind spending more time on the painting of your dog. She would probably find it easier - and less time consuming - to simply paint a second painting of Violette. Then you could throw away the first painting.

Be sure to first tell your new artist friend exactly what you like about her painting of Violette, before detailing exactly what you don't like.
Even if that's a hard conversation to initiate.

Its difficult to be honest and nice at the same time, but if you commissioned the painting, you certainly have the

right to ask her for a better painting. Bonne chance!

~Didi

Raising + Displaying the American Flag — Memorial Day Protocol
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Raising + Displaying the American Flag — Memorial Day Protocol

Do you know how to raise and display the American flag on Memorial Day? What is the protocol?

–Didi, Newport, RI

The protocol on Memorial Day for raising the American flag is that it is flown at half-staff only until noon. But when raising the flag to half-staff, first raise it to the top of the flag staff for sixty second before lowering it to half way down the flag staff.

At twelve o'clock raise the flag up to the top.

~Didi

BLACK TIE OPTIONAL — WEDDING DRESS CODE
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BLACK TIE OPTIONAL — WEDDING DRESS CODE

I am from Florida and have been invited to a black tie optional wedding in Newport. The ceremony is at 1:30 pm and the reception is at 5:30 pm at The Bohlin. Am I supposed to wear 2 different dresses?

–MH, Florida

The dress code Black Tie Optional is rather confusing. You want to be dressed appropriately, and yet, not overdressed -- nor underdressed. Additionally, having the ceremony three to four hours earlier than the reception leads one to wonder if one needs to dress down for the ceremony and then hours later dress up for the reception: A two outfit wedding? That's thought provoking for most of the guests. The Black Tie dress code request asks all who identify as male to wear a tuxedo. In Newport we're a bit more laid back with the dress code Cocktail Attire being the most popular. Cocktail Attire is a step down from the dress code Black Tie Optional.

First off, I go to the website of the venue to look at recent wedding photos to get a sense of the formality of the facility. Is the reception taking place in a ballroom at one of the fancy mansions, or is it a more casual affair on one of the docks on the harbor?

Secondly, ask the bride or someone close to the bride about the length of the bridesmaids' dresses. If they are long, you can wear a long dress, if the dresses are short, you can wear short. If the reception is on a yacht then you wouldn't wear an evening dress and stiletto heels; you would wear a more comfortable outfit.

By looking at The Bohlin in Newport website (the company organizing the wedding you're attending) photos, you'll see that the wedding may be taking place on a very cool dock on the harbor front under a tent. Most likely not in a ballroom at one of the fancy mansions, for instance. You'll also notice in the photos that many of the men are wearing white (or khaki) trousers and navy blue (or colored) blazers, which is considered Cocktail Attire. Don't be deceived into thinking it is a very formal wedding by photos showing a formally dressed wedding party; the wedding party is overdressed so they stand out and look uniformed in the formal photos.

You would only be expected to wear a formal evening dress if there was to be a seated dinner (called a candlelight dinner) with a starting time closer to eight o'clock.

In a nutshell, you would not be expected to change into an evening gown for a 5:30 reception.

When in doubt wear a lovely cocktail dress or a long dress that is more casual than formal, but still of good quality and design.

Also, the wedding couple's wedding website should make note of the dress codes of the various events surrounding the wedding.

You say the invitation mentions that Black Tie is an option, so, again, you can assume that it is not the most formal of weddings.

Google the actual venue address for photos of recent wedding to see how guests are dressed at receptions at that location: for instance go to Rosecliff weddings Newport that caterers to the most formal weddings and then to the dockside terrace in the marina The Bohlin where more casual receptions are held.

Basically, that seemingly long period of time between the end of the ceremony and the start of the reception allows for wedding photos of just the wedding party.

If you go with a short dress, you can wear a hat to the ceremony, but not to the wedding reception; adding jewelry, such as dangling earrings for a more festive evening look at sunset.

Tip: You may be happy that you brought along a warm pretty shawl or stylish long sweater to Newport in late spring.

~Didi

QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS
Creative Etiquette Solutions

QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS

How do we do the social bubble distancing? We’re bored to tears isolating. We love each other and our kids but spending every hour of every day together is too much for too long. We’ve done the Zoomtini with grownup friends and FaceTime a lot with family, but we’ve had enough of screens.

How can we spend time safely with friends and extended family? It seems forced and awkward trying to put together a bubble with one or two other families. Our kids’ closest friends have always been other kids they’ve been spending time with commuting in the school bus, playing soccer, lacrosse or pick up basketball. Their friendships, for the most part, didn’t include parents, except for the parents we mainly saw at home games.

How do we initiate the suggestion to other families and how do we know who to invite? What happens if it doesn’t work out? Or if they reject our invitation to start a bubble? How can we be sure they follow as rigidly the same social distancing and hygiene rules? How do we safely have a healthy social life again? People say they are being super careful, but are they really?

–Jennie, Brookline, MA

Hi Jennie, thanks for your questions about Quarantine Bubbles Protocol, social bubbles and social pods.

The risk of gathering together during the pandemic will change as time goes by. Warm summer weather is here just in time to allow for quarantine bubbles and social pods.

A double bubble is where two households meet outdoors and agree to adhere to social distancing guidelines in order to increase social contact. Having a picnic in a public place or taking turns for pizza in your backyard are a start. A household picks one other group to socialize with until lockdowns are further relaxed.

The bad news: Close and numerous social interactions with friends may need to be limited until a vaccine is available to all, modeling shows, to eliminated a second peaking of COVID-19. Recent studies in the UK found that under optimistic assumptions, contacts may have to be limited to 5-10 a day outside the home, and if 10% of previous contacts were resumed we would be at risk of a second peak of the virus outbreak.

The good news: The prospect of being in a bubble can give your family something to look forward to. Try forming a quarantine bubble consisting of a group of people or families whose members have been safely isolating; people who can eventually begin hanging out with other extremely cautious groups, as long as everyone obeys safety guidelines and agrees to be exclusive. At least that's what many European countries are doing as they begin to ease their lockdowns.

For instance, in Belgium, "Two sets of four people make a 'corona bubble' who can visit each other's homes. No one else is allowed into the domestic social circle." Eventually that first bubbles enlarges as trust and caution become the normal.

The trick is to go in light heartedly but with facts, "Hey, do you and your family want to join us in our quarantine bubble?" Then you go into detail about the guidelines your family has been following, including mention of how many times a week you go to the grocery store or/and gym and explain the routines you follow. If they're interested, they'll respond by telling you their routines about ordering groceries online and doing curbside pickups. Then suggest a picnic in a public space to see how everyone behaves.

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work and there will be other people interested in being part of a bubble, with the objective of eventually enlarging the bubble. Make it clear that if it doesn't click, the friendships will peter out and it will be obvious that it's time to find other people.

Keep in mind:

Social bubbles allow some social contact, while continuing to limit the risk of further Covid-19 transmissions.
The goal is to get to level 3 where your household bubble can include people such as close family members, care-givers or someone who needs care.
Beware that if the number of deaths does not continue to drop or the average number of people infected for every Covid-19 case increases, people will then not be allowed to use the bubble scheme.
Two sets of four people make a "corona bubble," who can visit each others houses but there are no hugs or other physical exchange like kissing.
In Northern Island now six people from different households can meet outdoors as long as social distancing is practiced.
Your social bubble is the people you live with. With extreme caution you can manage adding to your bubble.
Anyone experiencing coronavirus symptoms, or who is at a higher risk, should not be in a bubble, and needs to self-isolate.

As part of your first discussion:

When do you go out? For what reason?
Do you where a mask?
Do you keep 6 feet away from others?
When are you communicating with family?
What happens if someone in the bubble has symptoms of Covid-19?
What questions do you ask others?
What is the process for entering a bubble?
How would we set up protocol and etiquette?
What would be the protocol and etiquette?

Three things every member of the bubble must keep in mind:

There is the possibility of extending the bubble.
The bubble doesn't have to be forever.
The bubble gives everyone something to look forward to.

~Didi

MINIMONY WEDDINGS: POSTPONING – WEDDING ETIQUETTE – COVID
Creative Etiquette Solutions

MINIMONY WEDDINGS: POSTPONING – WEDDING ETIQUETTE – COVID

Our wedding in October was planned over six months ago. Postponing it for another year seems like dragging a good thing out for the long haul. We had an engagement party at home in Newport over Christmas and people are expecting their save-the-date card so they can make hotel reservations.

We’re weighing our options wondering if we should be flexible – as in here’s hoping everything will be opened up – or whittle down the list for a mini-mony, or simply elope when it becomes easier to travel. A destination wedding wouldn’t work because the old people won’t travel, especially now, and we wouldn’t want them to feel left out.

Not that you’re a fortune teller, but what would you advise, Ms. Didi?

–Althea and Ben, Washington, DC

Dear Wedding Couple,

You are not alone in trying to plan your wedding during the Covid pandemic. Who knows when travel and hospitality venues will be opening up. A lot depends upon containment practices and the availability of a vaccine. As of this writing, the end of 2021 is a safe guess.

We've gone from relatively simple backyard weddings, such as you see in the original 1950 Father Of The Bride movie with Spencer Tracey and Elizabeth Taylor and the 1991 version staring Steven Martin and Diane Keaton, to the 2018 over-the-top Royal wedding between Prince Harry and Megan Markle (that according to the British press cost 45 million US dollars). It would be interesting to know the stats as to which couples stay together longer; the marriages of those who had small versus those marriage whose weddings were huge, but this question is about you.

Remember, you can always have a post wedding reception, or sequel wedding, at another time. Even if it is in celebration of a wedding anniversary, and what could be cheerier?

What we're seeing now are lots of mini-ceremonies and micro-weddings. A mini-mony is all about the ceremony and includes up to a dozen people including the officiant and the wedding couple, and social distancing is top priority; there may be no celebratory party following the ceremony, and a post wedding reception, or sequel wedding, is a possibility at another time. On the contrary, micro-wedding can include up to fifty people, depending upon the size of the venue and the regulations of the state and town: the ceremony is followed by a celebration and a sequel wedding is not anticipated. Just be sure, in both cases, to keep track of the names and addresses or people who have already sent engagement and/or wedding presents, so that you can include them in any larger celebration that you may eventually host.

Here are some of the concerns we've been seeing when substantially sizing down your wedding plans:

Depending upon the location regulations, a mini-mony, a small ceremony, consists of a total of a dozen participants, and has the possibility of a follow up celebration or sequel wedding at another date.
If you already have a wedding website be sure to update it so that you won't have to be answering the same questions over and over from guests. When your wedding is a go, add local hygiene guidelines; suggest they time washing their hands to the chorus of "Marry You" by Bruno Mars.
Remember many churches and wedding venue sites may have to integrate tighter restrictions on the number of people in the church or the banquet hall after the restrictions are lifted. Seating may still be limited.
Keep in touch with your wedding planner or venue.
Keep up to date on local government developments: state and town.
If your wedding insurance policy was taken out before the lockdown and venue closures were put in place, check to see if your policy covers cancellation or rearrangement due to issues relating to travel bans, flight cancellations or government acts, including bans on public or social gatherings or any kind of travel restrictions.
Call your wedding insurer to ask about the terms and conditions.
If you paid any of the downpayments with a credit card, you could be covered, so check that.
Most travel insurance policies cover trips cancelled due to government restrictions, be sure to check your individual plan.
Check on your wedding dress as many are made in China and you want to be sure you have time to get it fitted properly whether your wedding is huge or mini. If there is a problem, you can buy wedding dresses on line to try on at home.
Hygiene guidelines for your wedding should include asking the venue to have antibacterial soap and disposable paper towels in the restrooms, additionally ask that staff spritz every guest with high quality alcohol-based sanitizers and provide for everyone to wear a mask, except the bride and groom.
Chic gift bags could include additional masks and hand sanitizers.

Whatever you decide to do,

working it out together

will deepen your love for each other.

~Didi

CONDOLENCES & SYMPATHY ETIQUETTE — SOCIAL DISTANCE — COVID-19
Creative Etiquette Solutions

CONDOLENCES & SYMPATHY ETIQUETTE — SOCIAL DISTANCE — COVID-19

It’s been my normal to send my condolences through a sympathy card, but there are none to be found anywhere with so many of us dying. Online or in the usual places such as CVS or Stop & Shop. For people I was close to, I call or email their nearest surveyor, or who I know the person through.

Before COVID-19, for my dearest friends and family members I’ll arrive at the surveyor’s door baring bounty and pitch in by doing errands and making phone calls, and try to make myself useful. “What can I do to help? I’ll ask and there is always something even if it’s walking the deceased’s dog or arranging the flowers, but these are not normal times. I’ve had to take pen to paper and find a stamp.

What words of sympathy can I use to ease the surveyor through their tragic loss in these troubled times?

–Jeremy, Newport

Dear Jeremy, I am sorry for your loss, or losses as the case may be. A new normal, a now normal, a forever normal, indeed, is called for now, today. More than ever your words on paper will be registered and stored in the recipient's heart and mind.

In offering first words of condolence in the first paragraph--here are examples highlighted--mentioning the deceased by name; as it is most comforting to use the name of the deceased often:

I am (Sharon and I are) deeply sorry for your tragic loss. Bob was my best guy friend, I couldn't have had a better friend.
It is with a heavy heart that I (George and I) write to send you my (our) deepest sympathy. Charlotte was the kindest, dearest friend and neighbor from that first day when she arrived after we moved in twenty years ago with blueberry muffins, to only last week when she picked up our curbside grocery order.
A few warm words to say how sorry I am (we are) for your great loss. Charles had to be one of the wittiest raconteurs I've ever met, always with a friendly smile and an amusing anecdote to start the conversation going.
Our whole family is mourning your great loss. It is our great loss, too. Thanksgiving won't be the same without Aunt Susanne, always curious to learn what the kids and their own families were up to and joyfully praising their many accomplishments.

If you can, tell a story about the deceased that illustrates their character, loyalty, sense of humor, honesty, valor, or good disposition. Here's one of mine:

One of my favorite stories about Harry is the time he found a woman's wallet in the ATM entrance to his bank, where he had gone to take out money for the long holiday weekend. It was late on a Friday afternoon after the bank had closed. He ran out looking left and right, but he didn't see anyone in sight. Leaving the wallet where he found it wouldn't have been safe, so Harry took it home and found her name and address on her driver's license, called 411 and was connected to her house phone. The woman was grateful that she had answered the phone because she had been on her way out the door to do an errand without realizing that she didn't have her wallet. Long story short, he left the wallet in a manilla envelope in his porch mailbox, she picked it up while he was out, and two weeks later he received a hand written thank-you note and a gift certificate to her restaurant. They met, they dated, they fell in love.

Start by thinking of a memorable time you spent with the deceased:

Alison was an amazing person, full of surprises, and truly one of the most capable, unassuming people I've ever known. Once I took her out on a sailfish, I was at the helm because she had never been on a sailfish and said that she didn't know how to sail. We were curious about a particular cove and our goal was to find it. Once there we had a swim before starting back to the dock in the harbor, but just as we were entering the bay a fierce gust of wind came out of the northeast and swept us out to sea. The sky suddenly became dark as black clouds headed our way and I had a really bad cramp and couldn't move, Alison without saying a word took the helm and the jib and brought us safely back to the dock.

By the way, if you don't have a personal tale to tell you can go right to the final paragraph praising the deceased:

End with words of praise for the deceased. "As a working mother I could have never finished my thesis and kept my job, if it hadn't been for Susanne's support, she was a real friend pitching in when my son was sick and I couldn't miss another day at work, and helping me through postpartum depression and rough patches in my marriage. Susanne was always there for me, never judgmental, though always helping me question my values. I don't know how I could have gotten through the early years of parenting without a true friend, as true as Susanne.
Conclude by writing something such as this: Gordon joins me in saying we are (deeply) sorry for you and your family, and hope that you will receive the comfort and strength to bear this tremendous loss.

A couple of final points:

Ideally, a letter of condolence should be hand-written without delay, "to bolster the surveyor for the funeral," which gives a sense of convivial urgency. If you missed the boat, receiving words of sympathy after the funeral are also greatly appreciated. Not that there are funerals these days, but there may be memorial services and burials eventually. Sometimes, I think, those later letters are the hardest to write because they express the deepest sentiments. The writer has taken a lot of time to mourn.
A widow or widower would be happy to read a praise of their happy marriage; that you thought their marriage was perfect in it's happiness. An unforgettable happiness that would survive always in your memory, and be an inspiration to you and all who knew the couple.
Be ware: If you're not totally sure of the recipient's religious belief, steer clear of expressing your faith. The condolence letter is not about the writer. The surveyor could become angry and annoyed by any hint of proselytizing.
In the event that the condolence letter is to a member of the your staff or to the staffer's family, the letter can be printed out on office stationery.
Signing off "With dearest love," to someone you you've known for a long time or "Alex joins me in sending our love (to you and your family)," are sincere; or more formally, "Kindest regards," or simply, "Sincerely."

As of this writing on May 4, 2020,

social distance takes precedence

over religious rituals. With good reason.

Never has there been a more important

time to write a letter of condolence.

~Didi

OUTDOOR SOCIAL DISTANCING MANNERS — COVID-19 Etiquette
Creative Etiquette Solutions

OUTDOOR SOCIAL DISTANCING MANNERS — COVID-19 Etiquette

What is the etiquette for social distancing outdoors in terms of greeting and meeting during COVID-19?

How can we make the experience of going out to exercise less anxious and more friendly without seeming snooty or overly friendly. Everyone I am about to encounter either walks out into the street to avoid me or ignores me by looking in the opposite direction or at his feet.

–Jason, Providence, RI

Thank you, Jason, for your timely question about outdoor manners and etiquette in the time of COVID-19. Cabin Fever! We're all eager to get out of the house to walk, run, ride a bike, skateboard or buy groceries. When will this all be over? How do we keep active in a COVID-19 reality--our Pandemic Summer--while the country fortifies itself for the next phases of the pandemic, that will more than likely last until 2021. Personally, I feel as though my house is on fire and nobody told me to get out. Never in my lifetime, except for 9/11, have manners been more important. There's nothing new here. Respecting the space of others, respecting the time others spend helping one with mail, groceries, take out, curbside pickup or placing an order have never been more appreciated. It doesn't cost you anything to be nice. With summer in the near horizon, the urge to get out and about will be even greater. How can we make the whole experience of going out and about less anxious and more friendly when we're hiding behind masks? Because even teleworking from home, you're hiding behind a mask, or for that matter behind a computer screen of cellphone, that's no justification for rudeness. The customer service on the other end of the phone may be half way across the country, but she or he still has to go home to the same situation of isolation that you may have. In my children's high school there is a rule that is honored to this day. When passing someone--anyone--in the corridor, the stairway, the crosswalk, the sidewalk, bike or running trail, great each other. Whether you know them or not. Then keep walking. Just because you extend a greeting, even though you may not know their name, it doesn't mean you're obligated to chat them up. In fact, chatting is hard to do nowadays when you're six to twelve feet apart. Just a reminder:

Give right of way. The person on the right has the right of way. It's right to give right of way to the person on the right. When passing on a sidewalk or steps, the person closest to the street gives the person closest to the building or railing the right of way--even if she or he has to move out onto the street.
Greet even strangers with one word: Hi, Hello, Hiya! We're all in this together, whether we like it or not; their life right now probably isn't any easier than yours whether they're pushing a stroller, carrying groceries, or skateboarding.
Patience has never been more of a virtue.Always use please and thank you. To anyone and everyone who assists you in any way -- from holding the subway door open to bringing out your curbside grocery order to you.
Smile to ease their pain and yours -- even if they can't see your smile through your mask.

Masks are symbols as well as shields. They signify civic-mindedness and conscientiousness. In other words, masks get the message out that society is collectively acting against a serious threat. This will be apart of our day to day lives. If most people wear a mask in public, the transmission rate can entirely stop the spread of COVD-19.

My mask protects you;

your mask protects me.

Please feel free to text me with additional

suggests for these times at

#917-816-0800.

~Didi

Socializing & Social Distancing Etiquette
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Socializing & Social Distancing Etiquette

Our son is home from college where, of course, he was used to being around people his own age all the time, so how do we get him to understand socializing and social distancing etiquette? Yesterday he went over to a friend’s house while he was out walking the dog. My husband pretty much blew a gasket when he found out. Were they passing joints? Were there girls there? Any kissing? Vaping? How many of their other friends were there? Why doesn’t he get it that he can’t just go to someone’s house and hang out? We understand that it was the house of someone he grew up with and they’re both home indefinitely from their respective colleges, but come on – we’re in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic!

We’re so annoyed we can’t think straight. Can you, please, send guidelines for our quite brilliant college student who appears to live in la-la land, or as the kids call it, it’s a corona-cation.

–Kathleen, Middletown, RI

Thank you for sharing your concern about the boundaries of socializing and social distancing! Yikes, that's definitely a tall order question. From the freedom of college to being trapped at home again, these kids are living a nightmare. A loss of innocents. Suddenly they have absolutely no control over their lives. It's easy to see how difficult it must be for them, those who don't remember 9/11 and watching people jump out of windows on the morning news, which many thought would change everything we knew to be sacred--but it didn't. As punishment, and he's too old for a time out, ask him to listen to The Daily, the New York Times Podcast app on his phone, daily. You listen to it on yours and then discuss what you both heard. Or make it a daily family ritual while he's having his breakfast by putting it on speakerphone--whatever it takes. Your whole family will learn some of the facts, for instance, that viruses get viruses. In our state, legally (as of today) there should not be gatherings of more than five people, and we're to keep those gatherings with the same five people. At the moment, when only 50% are staying home. everyone needs to be compliant. As you know, with every additional social and physical contact your son has, the risk of having an encounter with an infected person goes up. Suggest the following:

He minimizes the number of people he interacts with physically.
He sticks with one friend who limits their other social contacts, too.
If that friend feels sick, he stays away.
As long as his friend is well, social contact by going for a bike ride or hike is fine, but they should keep six feet apart.
That means NOT sharing finger food, liquids, bodily fluids, or joints, cigarettes, e-cigs or vaps.

As soon as possible, get the baseline temperature reading of every family member. That way when someone seems under the weather, that person's temperature can be monitored closely. That said, what you should know is:

The significance of adult and children's temperatures differ.
Plus, we all have our own normal temperature baseline, based on weight, gender and activity level; it's helpful to find out what everyone's is, so it's precisely monitored.
Normal can be anywhere between 97.7-99.5 degrees Fahrenheit.
Fever is likely to be between 99.5 or 100.9 degrees Fahrenheit.
Hyperpyrexia would be dangerous at 104.0 or 105.8 degree Fahrenheit.
Baseline temperatures vary based on age, sex, physical activity and health, and whether it is taken in the mouth or armpit, which can be lower.
To find a person's normal, take the temperature every day at the same time for at least three days, sticking to either mouth or armpit.

The loneliness of social distancing

can be hard to handle.

Discuss the facts and the difference between social and physical distancing.

Know the facts, but don't overdo it, too much information can aggravate stress.
Put the coronavirus pandemic in perspective.
Refrain from blaming and shaming.
Ask for help, now is the time to turn toward one another.
Encourage him to partake in social distancing in a positive way by calling his friends to actually talk about what's happening in the world around them.
Discuss the difference between social and physical distancing, if, in fact, there is a difference. What does he think?

Educate your son and let him find his own boundaries once he understands the guidelines. Corona-cation is no laughing matter and he needs to handled it like an adult.

Advice to avoid the coronavirus through social distancing can increase the risk of physical and emotional harm from inadequate social contact.
But without physical distancing the virus spreads like falling dominos.
Prepare him for when, not if, the coronavirus strikes.
He should know where to find your estate will and your living will; in the event he has to make choices for you.
Having a down-to-earth conversation with your son can be both heartrending and heartwarming.
Honoring your wishes when you are unable to do so is one of the most loving and bravest things an adult child can do for a parent..

Talk about what we lose when we don't touch?

Scientist call our longing for human touch "skin hunger."
Physical touch triggers the orbit of frontal cortex in the brain, according to Daniel Keltner, professor of psychology at University of California, Berkley.
Regular touch reduces levels of stress hormones, says Tiffany Field, director of the Touch Research Institute, the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine.
Hugging stimulates the thymus gland regulating the body's white blood cell production, which helps fight infection, according to research at the University of North Carolina.
Women who are frequently hugged have lower blood pressure, than those who are not according to research at UNC.
People who received regular hugs had fewer flu symptoms than participants who were hugged less frequently in a study at Carnegie Mellon University.

We must keep our physical distance to keep one another safe. Even though in a pandemic the very thing we're biologically programmed to need is also what can harm us most.

~Didi

GREETING FRIENDS DURING the CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC
Creative Etiquette Solutions

GREETING FRIENDS DURING the CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC

It sure is awkward greeting friends, a person you know pretty well, on the street or in the supermarket during this coronavirus pandemic. And it could go on for six months. Gosh, I’m so happy when I see someone I know–as I’m isolated working remotely from home–but not knowing how to react to their warm smile and/or approach leaves me wondering what to do, how to react. How do we show someone we’re fond of that we’re fond of them, but no hugs.

On the verge of tears, a friend in the checkout line at the supermarket became distraught while telling me about her husband’s recent stem cell transplant and when I went to put my arm around her to hug her, we both took a double take and withdrew. With all the cares of the world on her shoulders, she offered to help carry my grocery bags to my car.

I’ve small children and parents in their sixties, so I’m deathly afraid of getting too close to anyone I run into in public, and, yet–we could all use a hug–and more groceries. Thankfully, so far we’re all well in my family, but you never know, apparently, until it hits you or a family member. We just don’t know how long this will be going on.

My natural impulse, my basic instinct, is to hug or kiss on the cheek the good friend I run into as usual, so what do we do? Well, I either stare at them waiting for him or her to make the first move or I ignore them. But the problem with ignoring them is that I know I’m going to see them in another aisle or on the checkout line, or another time when I go to the market or drugstore.

Both options seem incredibly rude.

I know it’s bad karma, impolite to give someone you know the cold shoulder, but I am more apt to put up an invisible shield and pretend I just didn’t see him or her, and assume that they’re in the same self-protective mode predicament. We’re both afraid to get too close and yet they, too, don’t know what to do. Any suggests?

–Helen, Charlottesville, VA

Hi Helen, you're right on. We're all wondering about the etiquette of greeting friends during the coronavirus pandemic. If the person is not wearing a mask and gloves and is shopping for groceries, then it is unlikely that they're dangerously ill or they wouldn't be physically able to be out and about; driving a car, and lifting groceries. And if they were ill with the coronavirus or thought they'd been exposed, they would most likely own up to the fact and tell you why they have to keep their distance from you. Although the person could be a carrier and not know he or she has been exposed to the coronavirus.

For instance, your friend told you right off about her husband's serious medical condition and having to take care of him full time. That must have triggered a respond warding you off. She can't risk being exposed to the coronavirus, because she has to take care of him.

Nobody wants to go in for a hug and get pushed away. Nobody wants to be the person doing the pushing away.

Take the initiative and wave to him or her while keeping a distance of at least six feet--the length of a tall person. With a cheerful smile on your face simply say, "How are you doing? It's good to see you. How's the family." Then tell them that you're working remotely from home, and so far everybody seems to be OK.

Wave, smile and keep your distance of six feet, create your own space.
If the person looks as though they're about to come in for a hug, keep waving, smile and get them talking. The fact that your hand is waving will signal that you're hesitant about going in for the requisite hug. You're not waving them away, merely carving out your space.

You want your wave to be the Queen Elizabeth Wave with your hand jiggling gently from side to side, but you do NOT want your wave to mimic your car window wiper racing from left to right clearing rain drops off of your car window.

Using your body language and facial expressions, let him or her know that you're thrilled to see them, but you're being cautious. So smile. Everyone wants to see a smile right now.
Bringing up the subject of the coronavirus pandemic first thing will remind them as to why you're reluctant to pull them in for a hug or a kiss. Even if you don't have the coronavirus yourself and don't believe you've been exposed.
Hold your pocketbook, hat, sunglasses, small child, knapsack, or shopping bag in front of you to your chest as a visual barrier. Of course, a shopping cart or stroller make a perfect barrier.
Chat with your friend warmly asking questions about their family, pet or work, or simply plan to talk on the phone after the kids are in bed.

~Didi

GUEST ETIQUETTE DILEMMA: MODERNIST MANNERS
Creative Etiquette Solutions

GUEST ETIQUETTE DILEMMA: MODERNIST MANNERS

Our question is about a guest etiquette dilemma.

A lovely friend very graciously allowed us to stay in her apartment while she is away. She evidently left in a rush. On the nightstand is a bottle of lubricant. Should we (1) take it so she isn’t embarrassed, (2) put it in a drawer in the bathroom so she isn’t embarrassed, (3) do nothing, or (4) assume she’s a very thoughtful hostess who thinks of her houseguests’ every need?

–ES, Park City, Utah

I like (3), but go with (4)) and leave the container of lubricant in place. Except, of course, if you use quite a bit of the lubricant, then you'll need to replace it with a fresh container -- even if you can't find the exact brand -- beside the old one (unless the old one is all used up and you've thrown it out). Just the way you would replace a bottle of wine or champagne or a six pack of beer -- even if she left the lubricant for you as a welcoming present. Welcome her back.

That said, more importantly before you leave the apartment:

(1) fold all bed linens, towels, and dish towels that you've used neatly near, on top of, or next to the washing machine. If there's isn't a washing machine, find the laundry hamper or simply leave those linens neatly stacked at the foot of the bed.
(2) empty wastebaskets and don't leave garbage distilling in the garbage can, dispense of waste properly.

Not to worry if you can't replace the lubricant with the same brand.

Remember, if she's hip enough to leave her lubricant out in the open, then you shouldn't give this dilemma another thought unless you use it all up. Like drinking her wine or coffee, you replace when you use a noticeable amount.

~Didi

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