Codes + Conduct Archives - Newport Manners

HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE 2022
Creative Etiquette Solutions

HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE 2022

There have been so many Holiday Etiquette 2022 concerns–all timely and important: a present that you know is a regift; a gift that costs way too much and how to reciprocate; a gift that is the same as their gift to you last year; what to do if someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them anything? And other uncomfortable situations: What about the guest who clearly has had too much to drink? What about the would-be guest who didn’t receive an invite his friend’s holiday party? To mask or unmask or stay home?

–Didi Lorillard, Newport, RI

Let's start with holiday gifts and party on:

What if you know that a certain gift is a regift and you say to yourself, "Why do you think I would want this? People want to be understood, if you don't know what to get someone, go to their Pinterest or Instagram account to find out what interests them: dogs, sailboats, golf, food, books, and start from there. You want the person to know that You get them. Never acknowledge it was a regift. Who Cares? It's OK, you can give it to someone else whom you know will like it: Reduce, reuse, recycle.
Remember: A gift is a gesture. It says Happy Holidays, if you don't want it, pass it along. Respond with gratitude.
What do you do when the gift costs way too much, how to respond: Say, "Thank you!" Don't ever make a big deal out of the fact that it must have cost them a bundle. Gift giving is a ritual. Allow the gift giver that pleasure. It is not about the cost or where they got the gift. Don't feel you have to reciprocate at the same spending level, because they don't expect you to.
What to do when the gift is the same as last year, for instance I was given the same purple sweater two years in a row by the same person? It's OK. You don't need to call their attention to the faux pas, to their mistake. Thank them with as much authenticity as you did last year. It's all good. It's not abut the gift. It's about the ritual. If there is a gift receipt, exchange the sweater for a different color or get something you'd rather have instead.
What to do when someone gives you a gift and you're caught off guard because you didn't get them anything? What do you say? "Thank you so much," and add at least one reason why you like the gift, and move on. How do you reciprocate? Say, "What I want to give you is an experience. I'd like to take you to lunch (for coffee) or buy you a drink after work, just choose the day."

Uncomfortable Situations

Everyone takes a different stance on holidays:

Some people don't send cards.
FOMO: Some people feel left out if they didn't get invited to a Holiday Party they assumed they'd be invited to; it may have been a simple oversight.

The ongoing debate is not what to wear, but when to gather and when not to gather.

Show up at family gathering but consider the weakest in the bunch, the babies, toddlers and the elderly, whose immune systems may be down. If you think you're coming down with something, don't go.
It's one thing for the 30s-and-40s-something age groups to gather unmasked, but when it's a gathering of the clan and there will be all ages in attendance mask-up or stay home.
We don't know at this point just how bad this Tripledemic will get. This season respiratory sickness from Flu and RSV are breaking records, and Covid is climbing.
Covid Fatigue lingers on: The experts say the winter season ahead is uncertain. As there's a lot of winter and holiday gatherings ahead, be smart about when to mask-up and when to stay home.

As for FOMO, the fear of missing out, be grateful for the things you have and savor them.

Savor the Holiday Season despite the fact that the economy is wacky.
Recycle, Reuse, Regift
Kindness always wins
Give people your time, give an experience instead of a material gift.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

PEACE, LOVE & JOY

~Didi

COVID PROTOCOL WEDDINGS
Creative Etiquette Solutions

COVID PROTOCOL WEDDINGS

Didi, our question is how do we deal with COVID during our upcoming wedding weekend? We’re in the midst of planning our wedding and I’m a May bride, after a year long postponement because of Covid. We thought Covid was on the wane, but apparently it’s not.

Last night we were at a dinner party with ten other people and today we were told that one of the guests tested positive for Covid. Not only do we feel badly for this person, but now we’re worrying: What if one (or many) of our wedding guests test positive after our May wedding?

This Covid isn’t really going away! It’s too late to postpone our wedding again and, of course, there are all the deposits, etc. Please HELP us figure out how to handle this Covid menace.

Our families are all vaxxed and boosted, but we don’t know about our hundred, or so, wedding guests?

–May Bride & Groom, New England

Dear May bride and groom, thank you for your question about COVID wedding protocol.

Understandably, you are awfully concerned and we, of course, are hoping you both test negative now after the dinner party. Sadly, this is a major problem for many. You are not alone in your concern.

This is what I want you to do:

Two weeks before your wedding send out an email blast to all the guests on your wedding website who accepted your invitation to your wedding with this request under the subject COVID. "On your phone, please, send a photo of your CDC vaccine card to this number: _____ by such and such date" (before the first date of an event celebrating the wedding couple).
Then make it clear that on the day of the first wedding event they are attending (perhaps the welcoming party/rehearsal dinner), all guests have to report to the below address to be tested for COVID before joining the wedding festivities. At that time they will also be asked to show their actual CDC card.
Those who test negative will go forward on the guest lists for all the wedding activities. It's awful to have to do this, but in order to protect all of your guests testing negative, obviously, those who test positive won't be admitted. (In other words, they won't find a place card with their name on it.)

I know this sounds harsh, but it's a crazy world out there and there are those who think they'll never get COVID but, truth to tell: COVID is everywhere. You don't want your wedding to be known as the COVID wedding they went to in 2022 -- where even people vaxxed and boosted got COVID.

As you know, COVID variants keep evolving. The best you can do to ease your worries is to follow the simple safety protection procedures above. It will all be fine, when you both know that you've protected your family and guests to the best of your ability during this brutal pandemic. The rest is up to them -- your guests.

How do you politely handle the many various attitudes about COVID? You can't assume all your guests will comply. We've all learned a lot over the past two years about masking, testing, tracing and self-isolating, but not even one of the most protected people in the world, the Queen of England, is immune from COVID. As with all good manners, you want to minimize asking too much of your guests. By having clearly stated your concerns, your guests will know your concerns and will honor them.

I've not included mask wearing here because I think mask wearing should be up to the individual guest. By asking for a texted photo of the guest's CDC card and testing each and every guest under your wedding planner's guidance, you've set protocol for a wedding in the time of COVID.

Most of all, May Bride and Groom, you've got this! Our recommendations sounds brutal, but COVID is brutal. At least, you won't have photos of masked family and guests -- which would be your only other alternative, and which we would not recommend at this point in time.

~Didi

WEDDING SHOWER ETIQUETTE
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WEDDING SHOWER ETIQUETTE

Didi, what is the etiquette these days for inviting friends to a wedding shower but not inviting them to the actual wedding? Due to Covid our daughter’s wedding had been postponed. We are trying to keep everyone safe by keeping the numbers down and the wedding will be outside under an open sided tent for ventilation. Before the wedding weekend we are planning a wedding shower in our former home town to invite friends to meet the wedding couple, but we’re concerned about the wedding etiquette that says a guest invited, for instance, to the engagement party is always invited to the wedding. Is that still the proper etiquette?

Does that etiquette apply to a wedding shower?

Would it be alright to have a wedding shower that includes some guests that are not invited to the wedding?

There was an engagement party last month in the city where the wedding couple live and work for those who probably wouldn’t be making the trip to the wedding this spring. We’re trying not to leave anyone out and we want our many friends and family to know the wedding couple.

–NPW, Portsmouth, RI

Thank you for your timely question about wedding shower etiquette. The current etiquette for a wedding shower has been updated since the pandemic. Now that restrictions on the number of people allowed at a social gathering are loosening up, weddings that had been postponed are happening! The actual wedding--for the most part--is smaller and wedding couples and their families are hosting social occasions to include friends that are not being invited to the wedding. Most of the guests you are inviting to the wedding shower will understand that times are changing and that they should not expect a wedding invitation. The one part that is tricky is that if a wedding shower guest goes to the wedding website to find the wedding couple's registry to send them a present, they may feel left out of the actual wedding when they see info about the other events around the wedding: the welcoming cocktail event, rehearsal dinner, bridal lunch, ceremony, reception and post-wedding brunch. Perhaps for that very reason, you would not put the wedding website address on the wedding shower invitation, even though they could probably find the website on their own. Are we to assume that this wedding shower will be the only shower? That there won't be a bridal shower hosted by the bridesmaids? In many areas of the country the wedding shower is called the "Jack & Jill." Thank you for the timely question. We're here to help. Have fun organizing your daughter's wedding and remember that wedding etiquette is always evolving.

~Didi

HOLIDAY PARTY MASK WEARING ETIQUETTE — EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE DURING OMICRON
Creative Etiquette Solutions

HOLIDAY PARTY MASK WEARING ETIQUETTE — EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE DURING OMICRON

Our question is about holiday party invitations, entertaining and mask-wearing.

Today is the day we had planned to send out our holiday party invitations and order a Vermont party ham, but we have no idea what to do because the new Omicron variant of Covid is spreading like wild fires in the USA, and we need to know how to party in this time of the Omicron variant? The usual suspects had been advised that we were hoping to continue our ritual holiday party – having suspended it the year before. Sadly, the biggest problem is that some potential guests are not fully vaccinated, many of whom travel around a lot. We invite mostly people from the neighborhood and close friends, but some commute into the city.

Dr. Fauci and the WHO say to only have small gatherings, mandatory mask wearing for those not vaccinating and good ventilation, and distancing. Well good ventilation isn’t possible with a fire burning in the fireplace, the thermostat up to 69 degrees, and the social awkwardness of asking people to wear a mask. We’re all sick of wearing masks. We can’t ask people to show us their CDC vaccine status and their most recent Covid test result! Do we wing it and have faith that anyone sick or who has been exposed decides not to attend our holiday party? Or do we simply call the whole thing off for another December? Everybody wants to party, especially the kids.

Do we go back to serious mask-wearing once again and trying to decipher muffled semi-audible voices? Don’t get me wrong our family is all into the everyday etiquette of mask-wearing. Once again, especially the children who are growing up knowing that the mask protects them. We don’t want to be responsible for spreading Covid with our good cheer.

–Linda, Greenwich, CT

Yes, Linda, unfortunately it is back to mask-wearing. The good news is that government imposed restraints actually relieve a lot of anxiety. There will always be those stubborn know-it-alls that need to take a stand. In an odd way, if you're a mask-wearer, it may annoy you that those non-compliant friends feel justified, but cut them slack, have empathy toward the non-mask-wearer.

The most important thing to remember is that we wouldn't have all the new variants Delta and Omicron if everyone in our community - and around the world - had gotten their vaccines and booster. After all, masks are not only protecting you from catching the virus they're depriving the virus of the opportunity to develop into a more harmful illness!

Panicking can only be counterproductive. Instead, take the new Omicron variant seriously. Vaccinating, masking, distancing, ventilating, hand washing, testing and distancing are key, so if you can't offer all that protection--all those safety measures--for your holiday guests, don't put out a party ham. Think of your party dips as Petri dishes ready to host a virus.

The sooner we accept that mask-wearing

is a fact of life, the sooner it becomes habit.

When you grab your car key and cellphone,

remember to take your mask and hand

sanitizer when you leave home.

~Didi

Doggie Dilemma: Friendship
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Doggie Dilemma: Friendship

Bonjour Didi,

First of all Bonjour! A conversation never starts in France without saying “Bonjour” first. A good European Manners Tip. I have a question for you!

What do you do when an ‘almost’ friend has painted a portrait of your dog and it is the worst painting you have ever seen. To boot, I have a collection of professional painters that have painted my Violette and they are hung in my long entrance hallway. I can’t hang this one. Honestly, not to hurt her feelings what do I do? I’m attaching a photo of my favorite painting of Violette to date.

–Cynthia, Uzès, France

Bonjour Cynthia, About your doggie dilemma. What a sticky situation to be in at the start of a new friendship. Believe it or not, people find themselves in this kind of a muddle more often than you could imagine. Especially with displays of framed photos. This is what you can do. When you know your new artist friend is coming to visit, beforehand, take down one of the paintings hanging in your long hallway and put it away. Replace it with the painting of Violette that you detest. After your new friend has gone home, hide her painting of Violette until her next visit, and rehang the painting that was there originally.

Alternatively, you could have a heart-to-heart conversation with your 'almost' new friend the artist. Ask her if she wouldn't mind spending more time on the painting of your dog. She would probably find it easier - and less time consuming - to simply paint a second painting of Violette. Then you could throw away the first painting.

Be sure to first tell your new artist friend exactly what you like about her painting of Violette, before detailing exactly what you don't like.
Even if that's a hard conversation to initiate.

Its difficult to be honest and nice at the same time, but if you commissioned the painting, you certainly have the

right to ask her for a better painting. Bonne chance!

~Didi

Raising + Displaying the American Flag — Memorial Day Protocol
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Raising + Displaying the American Flag — Memorial Day Protocol

Do you know how to raise and display the American flag on Memorial Day? What is the protocol?

–Didi, Newport, RI

The protocol on Memorial Day for raising the American flag is that it is flown at half-staff only until noon. But when raising the flag to half-staff, first raise it to the top of the flag staff for sixty second before lowering it to half way down the flag staff.

At twelve o'clock raise the flag up to the top.

~Didi

BLACK TIE OPTIONAL — WEDDING DRESS CODE
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BLACK TIE OPTIONAL — WEDDING DRESS CODE

I am from Florida and have been invited to a black tie optional wedding in Newport. The ceremony is at 1:30 pm and the reception is at 5:30 pm at The Bohlin. Am I supposed to wear 2 different dresses?

–MH, Florida

The dress code Black Tie Optional is rather confusing. You want to be dressed appropriately, and yet, not overdressed -- nor underdressed. Additionally, having the ceremony three to four hours earlier than the reception leads one to wonder if one needs to dress down for the ceremony and then hours later dress up for the reception: A two outfit wedding? That's thought provoking for most of the guests. The Black Tie dress code request asks all who identify as male to wear a tuxedo. In Newport we're a bit more laid back with the dress code Cocktail Attire being the most popular. Cocktail Attire is a step down from the dress code Black Tie Optional.

First off, I go to the website of the venue to look at recent wedding photos to get a sense of the formality of the facility. Is the reception taking place in a ballroom at one of the fancy mansions, or is it a more casual affair on one of the docks on the harbor?

Secondly, ask the bride or someone close to the bride about the length of the bridesmaids' dresses. If they are long, you can wear a long dress, if the dresses are short, you can wear short. If the reception is on a yacht then you wouldn't wear an evening dress and stiletto heels; you would wear a more comfortable outfit.

By looking at The Bohlin in Newport website (the company organizing the wedding you're attending) photos, you'll see that the wedding may be taking place on a very cool dock on the harbor front under a tent. Most likely not in a ballroom at one of the fancy mansions, for instance. You'll also notice in the photos that many of the men are wearing white (or khaki) trousers and navy blue (or colored) blazers, which is considered Cocktail Attire. Don't be deceived into thinking it is a very formal wedding by photos showing a formally dressed wedding party; the wedding party is overdressed so they stand out and look uniformed in the formal photos.

You would only be expected to wear a formal evening dress if there was to be a seated dinner (called a candlelight dinner) with a starting time closer to eight o'clock.

In a nutshell, you would not be expected to change into an evening gown for a 5:30 reception.

When in doubt wear a lovely cocktail dress or a long dress that is more casual than formal, but still of good quality and design.

Also, the wedding couple's wedding website should make note of the dress codes of the various events surrounding the wedding.

You say the invitation mentions that Black Tie is an option, so, again, you can assume that it is not the most formal of weddings.

Google the actual venue address for photos of recent wedding to see how guests are dressed at receptions at that location: for instance go to Rosecliff weddings Newport that caterers to the most formal weddings and then to the dockside terrace in the marina The Bohlin where more casual receptions are held.

Basically, that seemingly long period of time between the end of the ceremony and the start of the reception allows for wedding photos of just the wedding party.

If you go with a short dress, you can wear a hat to the ceremony, but not to the wedding reception; adding jewelry, such as dangling earrings for a more festive evening look at sunset.

Tip: You may be happy that you brought along a warm pretty shawl or stylish long sweater to Newport in late spring.

~Didi

QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS
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QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS

How do we do the social bubble distancing? We’re bored to tears isolating. We love each other and our kids but spending every hour of every day together is too much for too long. We’ve done the Zoomtini with grownup friends and FaceTime a lot with family, but we’ve had enough of screens.

How can we spend time safely with friends and extended family? It seems forced and awkward trying to put together a bubble with one or two other families. Our kids’ closest friends have always been other kids they’ve been spending time with commuting in the school bus, playing soccer, lacrosse or pick up basketball. Their friendships, for the most part, didn’t include parents, except for the parents we mainly saw at home games.

How do we initiate the suggestion to other families and how do we know who to invite? What happens if it doesn’t work out? Or if they reject our invitation to start a bubble? How can we be sure they follow as rigidly the same social distancing and hygiene rules? How do we safely have a healthy social life again? People say they are being super careful, but are they really?

–Jennie, Brookline, MA

Hi Jennie, thanks for your questions about Quarantine Bubbles Protocol, social bubbles and social pods.

The risk of gathering together during the pandemic will change as time goes by. Warm summer weather is here just in time to allow for quarantine bubbles and social pods.

A double bubble is where two households meet outdoors and agree to adhere to social distancing guidelines in order to increase social contact. Having a picnic in a public place or taking turns for pizza in your backyard are a start. A household picks one other group to socialize with until lockdowns are further relaxed.

The bad news: Close and numerous social interactions with friends may need to be limited until a vaccine is available to all, modeling shows, to eliminated a second peaking of COVID-19. Recent studies in the UK found that under optimistic assumptions, contacts may have to be limited to 5-10 a day outside the home, and if 10% of previous contacts were resumed we would be at risk of a second peak of the virus outbreak.

The good news: The prospect of being in a bubble can give your family something to look forward to. Try forming a quarantine bubble consisting of a group of people or families whose members have been safely isolating; people who can eventually begin hanging out with other extremely cautious groups, as long as everyone obeys safety guidelines and agrees to be exclusive. At least that's what many European countries are doing as they begin to ease their lockdowns.

For instance, in Belgium, "Two sets of four people make a 'corona bubble' who can visit each other's homes. No one else is allowed into the domestic social circle." Eventually that first bubbles enlarges as trust and caution become the normal.

The trick is to go in light heartedly but with facts, "Hey, do you and your family want to join us in our quarantine bubble?" Then you go into detail about the guidelines your family has been following, including mention of how many times a week you go to the grocery store or/and gym and explain the routines you follow. If they're interested, they'll respond by telling you their routines about ordering groceries online and doing curbside pickups. Then suggest a picnic in a public space to see how everyone behaves.

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work and there will be other people interested in being part of a bubble, with the objective of eventually enlarging the bubble. Make it clear that if it doesn't click, the friendships will peter out and it will be obvious that it's time to find other people.

Keep in mind:

Social bubbles allow some social contact, while continuing to limit the risk of further Covid-19 transmissions.
The goal is to get to level 3 where your household bubble can include people such as close family members, care-givers or someone who needs care.
Beware that if the number of deaths does not continue to drop or the average number of people infected for every Covid-19 case increases, people will then not be allowed to use the bubble scheme.
Two sets of four people make a "corona bubble," who can visit each others houses but there are no hugs or other physical exchange like kissing.
In Northern Island now six people from different households can meet outdoors as long as social distancing is practiced.
Your social bubble is the people you live with. With extreme caution you can manage adding to your bubble.
Anyone experiencing coronavirus symptoms, or who is at a higher risk, should not be in a bubble, and needs to self-isolate.

As part of your first discussion:

When do you go out? For what reason?
Do you where a mask?
Do you keep 6 feet away from others?
When are you communicating with family?
What happens if someone in the bubble has symptoms of Covid-19?
What questions do you ask others?
What is the process for entering a bubble?
How would we set up protocol and etiquette?
What would be the protocol and etiquette?

Three things every member of the bubble must keep in mind:

There is the possibility of extending the bubble.
The bubble doesn't have to be forever.
The bubble gives everyone something to look forward to.

~Didi

MINIMONY WEDDINGS: POSTPONING – WEDDING ETIQUETTE – COVID
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MINIMONY WEDDINGS: POSTPONING – WEDDING ETIQUETTE – COVID

Our wedding in October was planned over six months ago. Postponing it for another year seems like dragging a good thing out for the long haul. We had an engagement party at home in Newport over Christmas and people are expecting their save-the-date card so they can make hotel reservations.

We’re weighing our options wondering if we should be flexible – as in here’s hoping everything will be opened up – or whittle down the list for a mini-mony, or simply elope when it becomes easier to travel. A destination wedding wouldn’t work because the old people won’t travel, especially now, and we wouldn’t want them to feel left out.

Not that you’re a fortune teller, but what would you advise, Ms. Didi?

–Althea and Ben, Washington, DC

Dear Wedding Couple,

You are not alone in trying to plan your wedding during the Covid pandemic. Who knows when travel and hospitality venues will be opening up. A lot depends upon containment practices and the availability of a vaccine. As of this writing, the end of 2021 is a safe guess.

We've gone from relatively simple backyard weddings, such as you see in the original 1950 Father Of The Bride movie with Spencer Tracey and Elizabeth Taylor and the 1991 version staring Steven Martin and Diane Keaton, to the 2018 over-the-top Royal wedding between Prince Harry and Megan Markle (that according to the British press cost 45 million US dollars). It would be interesting to know the stats as to which couples stay together longer; the marriages of those who had small versus those marriage whose weddings were huge, but this question is about you.

Remember, you can always have a post wedding reception, or sequel wedding, at another time. Even if it is in celebration of a wedding anniversary, and what could be cheerier?

What we're seeing now are lots of mini-ceremonies and micro-weddings. A mini-mony is all about the ceremony and includes up to a dozen people including the officiant and the wedding couple, and social distancing is top priority; there may be no celebratory party following the ceremony, and a post wedding reception, or sequel wedding, is a possibility at another time. On the contrary, micro-wedding can include up to fifty people, depending upon the size of the venue and the regulations of the state and town: the ceremony is followed by a celebration and a sequel wedding is not anticipated. Just be sure, in both cases, to keep track of the names and addresses or people who have already sent engagement and/or wedding presents, so that you can include them in any larger celebration that you may eventually host.

Here are some of the concerns we've been seeing when substantially sizing down your wedding plans:

Depending upon the location regulations, a mini-mony, a small ceremony, consists of a total of a dozen participants, and has the possibility of a follow up celebration or sequel wedding at another date.
If you already have a wedding website be sure to update it so that you won't have to be answering the same questions over and over from guests. When your wedding is a go, add local hygiene guidelines; suggest they time washing their hands to the chorus of "Marry You" by Bruno Mars.
Remember many churches and wedding venue sites may have to integrate tighter restrictions on the number of people in the church or the banquet hall after the restrictions are lifted. Seating may still be limited.
Keep in touch with your wedding planner or venue.
Keep up to date on local government developments: state and town.
If your wedding insurance policy was taken out before the lockdown and venue closures were put in place, check to see if your policy covers cancellation or rearrangement due to issues relating to travel bans, flight cancellations or government acts, including bans on public or social gatherings or any kind of travel restrictions.
Call your wedding insurer to ask about the terms and conditions.
If you paid any of the downpayments with a credit card, you could be covered, so check that.
Most travel insurance policies cover trips cancelled due to government restrictions, be sure to check your individual plan.
Check on your wedding dress as many are made in China and you want to be sure you have time to get it fitted properly whether your wedding is huge or mini. If there is a problem, you can buy wedding dresses on line to try on at home.
Hygiene guidelines for your wedding should include asking the venue to have antibacterial soap and disposable paper towels in the restrooms, additionally ask that staff spritz every guest with high quality alcohol-based sanitizers and provide for everyone to wear a mask, except the bride and groom.
Chic gift bags could include additional masks and hand sanitizers.

Whatever you decide to do,

working it out together

will deepen your love for each other.

~Didi

CONDOLENCES & SYMPATHY ETIQUETTE — SOCIAL DISTANCE — COVID-19
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CONDOLENCES & SYMPATHY ETIQUETTE — SOCIAL DISTANCE — COVID-19

It’s been my normal to send my condolences through a sympathy card, but there are none to be found anywhere with so many of us dying. Online or in the usual places such as CVS or Stop & Shop. For people I was close to, I call or email their nearest surveyor, or who I know the person through.

Before COVID-19, for my dearest friends and family members I’ll arrive at the surveyor’s door baring bounty and pitch in by doing errands and making phone calls, and try to make myself useful. “What can I do to help? I’ll ask and there is always something even if it’s walking the deceased’s dog or arranging the flowers, but these are not normal times. I’ve had to take pen to paper and find a stamp.

What words of sympathy can I use to ease the surveyor through their tragic loss in these troubled times?

–Jeremy, Newport

Dear Jeremy, I am sorry for your loss, or losses as the case may be. A new normal, a now normal, a forever normal, indeed, is called for now, today. More than ever your words on paper will be registered and stored in the recipient's heart and mind.

In offering first words of condolence in the first paragraph--here are examples highlighted--mentioning the deceased by name; as it is most comforting to use the name of the deceased often:

I am (Sharon and I are) deeply sorry for your tragic loss. Bob was my best guy friend, I couldn't have had a better friend.
It is with a heavy heart that I (George and I) write to send you my (our) deepest sympathy. Charlotte was the kindest, dearest friend and neighbor from that first day when she arrived after we moved in twenty years ago with blueberry muffins, to only last week when she picked up our curbside grocery order.
A few warm words to say how sorry I am (we are) for your great loss. Charles had to be one of the wittiest raconteurs I've ever met, always with a friendly smile and an amusing anecdote to start the conversation going.
Our whole family is mourning your great loss. It is our great loss, too. Thanksgiving won't be the same without Aunt Susanne, always curious to learn what the kids and their own families were up to and joyfully praising their many accomplishments.

If you can, tell a story about the deceased that illustrates their character, loyalty, sense of humor, honesty, valor, or good disposition. Here's one of mine:

One of my favorite stories about Harry is the time he found a woman's wallet in the ATM entrance to his bank, where he had gone to take out money for the long holiday weekend. It was late on a Friday afternoon after the bank had closed. He ran out looking left and right, but he didn't see anyone in sight. Leaving the wallet where he found it wouldn't have been safe, so Harry took it home and found her name and address on her driver's license, called 411 and was connected to her house phone. The woman was grateful that she had answered the phone because she had been on her way out the door to do an errand without realizing that she didn't have her wallet. Long story short, he left the wallet in a manilla envelope in his porch mailbox, she picked it up while he was out, and two weeks later he received a hand written thank-you note and a gift certificate to her restaurant. They met, they dated, they fell in love.

Start by thinking of a memorable time you spent with the deceased:

Alison was an amazing person, full of surprises, and truly one of the most capable, unassuming people I've ever known. Once I took her out on a sailfish, I was at the helm because she had never been on a sailfish and said that she didn't know how to sail. We were curious about a particular cove and our goal was to find it. Once there we had a swim before starting back to the dock in the harbor, but just as we were entering the bay a fierce gust of wind came out of the northeast and swept us out to sea. The sky suddenly became dark as black clouds headed our way and I had a really bad cramp and couldn't move, Alison without saying a word took the helm and the jib and brought us safely back to the dock.

By the way, if you don't have a personal tale to tell you can go right to the final paragraph praising the deceased:

End with words of praise for the deceased. "As a working mother I could have never finished my thesis and kept my job, if it hadn't been for Susanne's support, she was a real friend pitching in when my son was sick and I couldn't miss another day at work, and helping me through postpartum depression and rough patches in my marriage. Susanne was always there for me, never judgmental, though always helping me question my values. I don't know how I could have gotten through the early years of parenting without a true friend, as true as Susanne.
Conclude by writing something such as this: Gordon joins me in saying we are (deeply) sorry for you and your family, and hope that you will receive the comfort and strength to bear this tremendous loss.

A couple of final points:

Ideally, a letter of condolence should be hand-written without delay, "to bolster the surveyor for the funeral," which gives a sense of convivial urgency. If you missed the boat, receiving words of sympathy after the funeral are also greatly appreciated. Not that there are funerals these days, but there may be memorial services and burials eventually. Sometimes, I think, those later letters are the hardest to write because they express the deepest sentiments. The writer has taken a lot of time to mourn.
A widow or widower would be happy to read a praise of their happy marriage; that you thought their marriage was perfect in it's happiness. An unforgettable happiness that would survive always in your memory, and be an inspiration to you and all who knew the couple.
Be ware: If you're not totally sure of the recipient's religious belief, steer clear of expressing your faith. The condolence letter is not about the writer. The surveyor could become angry and annoyed by any hint of proselytizing.
In the event that the condolence letter is to a member of the your staff or to the staffer's family, the letter can be printed out on office stationery.
Signing off "With dearest love," to someone you you've known for a long time or "Alex joins me in sending our love (to you and your family)," are sincere; or more formally, "Kindest regards," or simply, "Sincerely."

As of this writing on May 4, 2020,

social distance takes precedence

over religious rituals. With good reason.

Never has there been a more important

time to write a letter of condolence.

~Didi

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