• PHUBBING aka PHONE SNUBBING: THE SOCIAL FAUX PAS — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
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PHUBBING aka PHONE SNUBBING: THE SOCIAL FAUX PAS — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
How do I convince my girlfriend to breakup with her phone? It’s a real bore. She’s constantly checking it even when it pings with a text she could read later.  Since she doesn’t wear a watch, she says she needs to know the time when she sees me watching her check her phone.
She can’t sit through a full-length movie or have an uninterrupted conversation, let alone a night out alone just the two us!  Not only that, but she gets upset with social media and group texts. Last night she went ballistic after discovering she had been left off of a group text even though she was told it was a mistake, and she couldn’t give up her anger!
With a glance she’ll throw me the old “mmhmm,” once in a while pretending she’s listening, but I hardly consider that a conversation.
 
It’s like there are three of us in our relationship!  Any ideas?

–PK, Brooklyn, NY

Cellphones may not be an addictive substance but they definitely are a species-level environmental shock. The good news is, digital wellness is on it's way! There are many solutions in the form of new devices to help unhook the brain from the harmful routines of smartphone use. and hooking it on to other ways to spend time, such as reading a real book, practicing yoga, etc.:
  • "Light Phone" - sets limits on time-stealing apps.
  • "Digital Detox" packages - are available in luxury hotels ($295.)
  • Set up mental speed bumps by putting a scrunchie or rubber band around your phone to make you stop and think before using.
  • Or change the screen lock to one that asks three questions: Why now? What for? and What else?
  • Be alone with your thoughts and pay more attention to your surroundings instead of your phone.
  • Toss out apps that don't make you happy.
  • People who don't charge their phones in their bedroom, use them less.
Detox will make one more attentive to being present in the moment, and able to spend more time listening--and less easily distracted. They say the average person picks up their phone 50 times a day as a way of coping with boredom and anxiety. UGH!
How you go about telling someone
to try some of these remedies?
Try them yourself.
 
  • Start with agreeing to stop charging phones in the bedroom.
  • Take 24 hours during a weekend for a joint "trial separation" from your phone(s).
  • The next step is a get-away-weekend without your six-inch glass-and-steel rectangles.
  • Make a goal of one hour a day for cellphone use--perhaps picking up your phone only 20 times.
  • When suddenly finding yourself sucked into your phone--self-correct.
Remind yourself that life is what you should be paying attention to and not the magical object that can order cannabis delivered to your door at midnight.

Look people in the eye and listen when they talk.

 
What to say about the poor etiquette of phubbing:
  • Phubbing is snubbing the one you're with.
  • Hey, put down that cellphone! You're snubbing me!
  • Stop phubbing your partner.
  • Get it into your head that phubbing is a bad, modern-day habit.
  • 79% say phubbing hurts their ability to interact with their partners.
  • Using a handset while with a partner undermines the quality of the relationship.
  • Researches say phubbing is a relationship buster up there with money problems, bad sex and having kids.
  • There are increasing numbers of people in long-term relationships that feel they must compete with their partner's smartphone for attention.
  • Are you a nomophobe (no-mobile-phone phobia)? Scared to be without your mobile phone?
RELATIONSHIP TIPS FOR PHONE ADDICTS
  • Keep the phone away from you on silent; for instance in a tote bag or backpack or up on a shelf.
  • When you feel you have to check on something legitimately important, give an explanation to your partner first and then check your phone.
  • Never be defensive when you get called out for technoference (the interference of technology in couple relationships)--it's somebody's way of telling you they'd like to connect in person.
 
Sorry you're feeling phubbed,
now do something about it, and
I don't mean installing a signal blocker
in your living room or bedroom.
 
 

~Didi

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  • POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE & MANNERS: APOLOGIZING
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POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE & MANNERS: APOLOGIZING
Valentine’s Day is a fine time to make an apology to someone you’ve offended, humiliated, or hurt their feelings. You don’t need a box of candy or bouquet of flowers to apologize. A simple text, email or voicemail with do: Please forgive me for not showing up Saturday night.
People who over-apologize can be annoying. 
  • How was the person behind them (me) expecting HIM to hold the door open–when he couldn’t even see me (he didn’t have eyes in the back of his head)–but he apologized for not holding the door open? Really, it’s a bit much.
  • Saying “sorry” that you don’t have the exact change:  why should you–you’re not a bank teller or cashier?
  • Apologizing to the caller who had the wrong number? Give me a break! Mistakes happen when your pad hits the wrong key, but there is no need to say “sorry” to the caller.
It’s quite different, for instance, when you’ve stood up in public at a City Council meeting and unfairly slandered the head of a volunteer commission for doing her job, because you didn’t get your way. That’s the instance when you pick up the phone to apologize to someone who, as it turns out, is your mother-in-law’s second cousin once removed.
In making an apology:
  • Don’t pass the buck. Own up to the mistake, or don’t make the apology.
  • Acknowledge your mistake and briefly explain what you did wrong.
  • The fact that you are taking the time to make an apology will be appreciated.
  • In winding up an apology offer some kind or recompense. Such as:

To the person whose reputation you smeared, tell that person that you will write a letter to the editor of the local paper admitting your error.

To the person you stood up Saturday night, suggest another meeting: “Let’s have a drink after work.”

We especially like these two cards as a way of apologizing: This first Dempsey and Carroll card that says on the front:  regrets his behavior at, which let’s you fill in (Jack regrets his behavior at your holiday party), as a way of showing that you’ve taken the time to acknowledge that you’ve misbehaved or/and hurt their feelings.
This free card here is randomly off the Internet:

–XX00

~Didi

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  • Very January
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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Very January
     A ‘very January’ time of year to you too! Love you all! A special huge, huge thanks to the many well-wishers and subscribers. I missed writing to you every day and now I’m back and wondering how you’re doing so far in 2019?
     How are you? What holdover from the holidays is bugging you? How are you doing on those bloody resolutions?
Holiday Leftover Peeves
     What’s still ticking you off about the holidays? Did you invite a guest to your holiday party who antagonized your friends with his pro-Trump rhetoric followed by rants about Obama’s birth certificate and “fake Hillary”? And you’re still apologizing to your friends that he offended?
  • Did your dog attack the holiday ham just as your guests were arriving?
  • Do you feel you have to write thank-notes to holiday party guests who brought you a hostess gift?
  • Did you receive a spectacular present from a colleague you didn’t give a present to, and how did you react?
  • Are you annoyed at our ‘forced hugging culture’ where everyone feels they have to give-a-hug-to-get-a-hug? Or do you think it’s cozy cool?
  • Did your famously misanthropic brother show up for dinner with a plus one and there was no place at the already over-crowded dinner table?
  • Did your brother-in-law forget to bring the promised dessert?
  • How did you manage to get that last staggering guest to go home?
  • How did you handle holiday “forced hugging”?
How are those resolutions going?
 
Is it O.K. to drop a resolution or two? Having one resolution seems quite enough. First off, I’ve taken my daughter’s advice and now start my day with a new ritual: I drink the juice of one lemon (hopefully organic) in a cup of freshly boiled water to help balance the organs, rid toxins and neutralize any acidity.

My fav word this month is ‘tidy’.

     I’m attempting to adopt tidy into my everyday life in the hope of clearing out the clutter. Not just physical clutter like a yellowing copy of the New York Times the day after Obama’s inauguration (Wow, is he handsome!), but mental clutter. Some things cannot be fixed or changed. But you can tidy-up!
2019 Resolutions  
  • To rediscover the difference between what I want and what I need. To have all I need and want all I have.
  • Eat new foods.
  • Never forget my shopping bags or list.
  • Do one thing every day that scares you (me). ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
  • Read two books a month.
  • Be a better listener and stop interrupting.
  • Don’t let anyone tuck me into a “forced hug.”
  • Use “Thank You” more and “Sorry” less.
  • Be politically more responsible.
  • Clean up my manners.

Past Failed Resolutions —  that I’ve given up on:

  • Saying that I’ll cook more–I hate the cleaning up.
  • Saying that I’ll walk more–I hate walking in the cold.
  • Saying that I’ll make new friends–I don’t pay enough attention to the ones I already have.
  • Saying that I’ll restart a gym membership–when I hate the smell of gyms.
  • Saying that I’ll write every day–some days I simple cannot.
  • Saying that I won’t eat as much chocolate–I love chocolate.

Resolutions I’ve totally given up making:

  • Get more sleep.
  • Be a better gardener.
  • Be more thrifty.
  • Wast less time on the Internet.
  • Loose weight.
  • Entertain more.
  • Exercise more.
  • Drink less wine, but better wine.
  • Eat less chocolate.

Catch us up on your pet peeves and Dos + Don’ts. I bet you’ve got plenty of them, because we do.

In closing, I’ll leave you with these words of Eleanor Roosevelt, once again, “Do one thing every day that scares you!”

–Didi, Newport, RI

~Didi

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  • SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS — BRINGING HOME THE GIRLFRIEND
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SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS — BRINGING HOME THE GIRLFRIEND
Our son is bringing home his girlfriend of three months for Thanksgiving and I’m concerned about how to handle sleeping arrangements. She can stay in the guest room and he can be in his old room, but how do I say this without appearing stuffy?  We’ve had no indication as to whether they’ve had sex or not, but we’ve met her once and liked her very much.
     They’ll be with us for three nights and we don’t want them to feel that they have to sneak around. On the other hand, we don’t want them to assume that we think that they’re having sex. They are in their early thirties and he’s our only child so we haven’t come across the situation lately.
     How do we discuss this with them without appearing judgmental or meddling?

–Fuddy Duddy Parents, Boston

Dear not-so Fuddy Duddy parents, your son and his friend are in their early thirties and he's bringing her home for the holidays. Assume they're having sex, but offer separate rooms -- if you happen to have a spare. Assume he'll leave his bag in his room and she'll keep her's in another room. Leave plenty of space to allow them to have privacy.
 
     When your son comes in the door with his bag, say,"Your room and the guest room are both made up, so you can put the bags in both rooms, if you like." Acknowledging that they both can have private space during the long weekend will show your respect for their relationship. And that you're not necessarily assuming they are having sex.
 
  • Take the focus off the sleeping arrangements because they may be as apprehensive about their sleeping in your house as you are. 
  • Don't take her to her room, let your son lead the way.
  • Tell her to let you know if she needs anything, such as more towels or bottled water.
  • Don't turn down the beds for them as a way of ordering them which beds to sleep in.
  • Let your son and his girlfriend choose where they sleep.
  • Remind them to help themselves to food and beverages.
  • Once they've settled in, make her comfortable by asking her if she has any food allergies and to be sure to tell you if there is anything she cannot eat. 
Especially during the holidays -- when our roles as parents becomes especially stretched and stressed -- focus on making good lasting memories. Relax, light a fire, provide a leisurely breakfast. 
  • Most importantly, be good memory makers, so that they'll wish to come home again.
Happy Holidays from, 

~Didi

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  • IS A FIST BUMP OR ELBOW BUMP GOOD ETIQUETTE?
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IS A FIST BUMP OR ELBOW BUMP GOOD ETIQUETTE?
My question is about whether or not a fist bump or elbow bump is good etiquette?
     I always wonder how to react after you’ve said, “Hi,” because I must confess that I’m becoming slightly germaphobic. The holiday germ spreading season is upon us, and I’m not what you call an air kisser. I’m going to either kiss you or not, but what I don’t want to do is shake hands. No matter how much I like you.
     Fisting doesn’t make sense because germs are still on the hands.
     After a recent tennis game, where it is customary to shake hands after you’re through playing, I begged off shaking hands with the excuse that I had a scratchy sore throat. Without having thought it through, I said I probably caught the bug from one of my small children, and that I didn’t want to spread germs. But wouldn’t my germs be on any tennis balls I’ve touched? Probably.
     My opponent quickly suggested an elbow bump and we touched elbows. We lifted our right arms and bumped elbows. Fine with me. But at a holiday gathering with a wine glass in one hand, fisting or elbowing doesn’t feel like proper manners.  What’s the good etiquette alternative?

–Elizabeth, Charleston, SC

Elizabeth, a fist bump or elbow bump is good etiquette when two people agree to the bumping of those body parts. When socializing we usually don't have the option of discussion when a pair of heavily liquored lips smack you in the face at a holiday gathering. You initiate politeness by trying to dodge having that kiss land target on your lips by hoping the offering of a cheek will do. But perhaps we should be questioning: why does the other person feel they have a right to initiate that kiss in the first place? It is so controlling. Especially when they raise their eyes to see who is watching you being kissed -- an all too familiar act between near strangers -- by a friend, but not a bedfellow.
  • You asked about the good etiquette, which has always been that the woman extends her hand first for a handshake, or offers a kiss on the cheek by cocking her head, initiating the physical contact. Perhaps she'll be rebuffed, but it is her purgative. Unlike the elbow or fist bump, which more than likely has been agreed upon.
When a person senses that the person they've just run into is going in for a full body hug, he or she stretches out their right arm, and  points to their bent elbow.
  • The person going in for the greeting hug picks up on the body language, captures the nuance ritual as his own, and bumps elbows.
Stick to the hygiene:
  • Elbow bump and fist bump where two people touch elbows or fists are both informal ways of greeting someone you already know or whom you know of through a mutual friend..
In 2004, it was Shaquille O'Neal who first demonstrated the derivative nature of the elbow bump in relation to the fist bump when meeting up with Kobe Bryant.
  • By 2009 'elbow bump' was considered for word of 'the year' by the NEW OXFORD AMERICAN DICTIONARY.
  • Interest in the elbow bump as an informal greeting took hold during the 2006 avian flu scare, the 2009 swine flu outbreak, and by the time of the 2014 Ebola threat, USA health officials were supporting the use to prevent the spread of germs.
  • By 2011, The World Health Organization and The Association for the Advancement of Science -- as well as many colleges -- had already endorsed and encouraged the elbow bump as the polite customary greeting.
Obviously at a holiday party you're probably not going to be offering an elbow bump while coddling a cocktail in your other hand. But you can use your free hand to stave off the awkwardness of an unwanted kiss by gently placing that hand on the other person's shoulder to keep your space at an arm's length distance.
  • Then. if you must, in the moment say, "You wouldn't want to catch my scratchy throat." Or, "You wouldn't want what I'm just getting over." And they won't.
  • Personally, as a greeting, I'm a big fan of the queen's wave. A slight wave of the right hand mimicking the blade on your windshield during a drizzle. It helps to keep that modicum of distance in a busy gathering, or when bumping into someone in the neighborhood.
 

~Didi

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  • iPad TIPPING — Etiquette for iPad Tipping
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iPad TIPPING — Etiquette for iPad Tipping
Are we at a tipping point for the end of the tipping jar, because they’re being replaced by iPad tipping?  I find it excruciatingly humiliating to be confronted with being corralled into tipping. In the past I usually tossed change into the tipping jar for my morning coffee. Now I’m being asked to choose between tipping 10%, 15%, 20% or to click No Tip – on top of the cost of my coffee.
     It makes me angry to know that the person behind me in line, who by the way is breathing down my neck anxious for his coffee, is gazing over my shoulder to see which option I’m going to choose. In other words, whether I am a curmudgeon or not.
     It usually depends upon my mood. If the coffee is to stay and the barista has decorated my latte with a heart, her creativity is rewarded.
     On the other hand if the coffee is handed to me in a paper cup with the top not secured, I’ll skip the tip.
     With a meal I’ve ordered to go, I would rather put a dollar in the tip jar and not have to decided whether or not the wrapped sandwich I’m taking back to the office is good or not, because I haven’t tasted it yet!  However, if I’ve instructed no mayonnaise and lots of mustard, I’ll assume I’ve been listened to and I’ll tip according.
     Served that same sandwich, or any meal, in a seated restaurant I can judge my tip on how well the food was prepared and presented. Is the sandwich bread burned black when I asked that it be lightly toasted? Is the lettuce wilted? Was yesterday’s reheated pizza for customers today?

–Mr. Curmudgeon, Chicago

Hello Mr. Curmudgeon, dispute the fact that iPad tipping for takeout is unfair when you have to pay for food and/or a beverage before you know what the product will taste like -- there is no going back. 
  • Purchase takeout food from a place that you know well and tip accordingly. 
  • If you don't know the place, give the counter people a token of your appreciation by way of the tip jar, opt for 10% on the iPad, or simply click on No Tip.  
  • Upon your return, the mer fact that you're returning should be a signal to you that you liked the food well enough to try it again, and tipping on their iPad won't feel as awkward.
I must admit I used to get ticked when forced into deciding on an iPad tip. iPad tipping seems to bring out the stinginess in all of us.
  • Tipping should make you feel good, not manipulated. If you're feeling grouchy and you haven't sampled the food and/or beverage before, don't tip. 
But when you return tip generously to make up for your stinginess.
  • Another way of looking at iPad tipping is: "Well, if that were me or my child or friend doing the serving, I would want customers to tip me, him or her."
The answer for germaphobes - and who isn't one? - is to pay for such services and goods in cash, so you don't have to touch the iPad. But then of course germs are on the money -- so go wash your hands.
 

~Didi

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  • DATING ETIQUETTE — Ghosting, Orbiting + Haunting
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DATING ETIQUETTE — Ghosting, Orbiting + Haunting

Dating etiquette was quite different when I was a teen.  I’m trying to keep up with what’s going on with my young teenager and her friends.  My daughter’s friend (let’s call her Amy) had a date for her school prom with a boy (we’ll call Johnny) from a neighboring town.  At the last minute Johnny backed out.

Johnny and Amy connected through my daughter on social media. It seemed to be an amicable friendship. Even though they never actually met in person, they messaged everyday for three months. Now Amy and my daughter are wondering what went wrong?  How could Johnny break the date to go to the prom with Amy without offering an excuse?

How do we teach our teenagers to navigate dating on social media in a more civilized and polite manner?

–Alice

Believe it or not, just when we thought etiquette was dead, we have an new dating etiquette.  There is an etiquette to orbiting.  In case you didn't know, orbiting is the new ghosting. The manners of dating are ever-changing. The last I heard ghosting was the new thing in dating. From my point of view ghosting is quite rude and totally impolite. I hated writing about it. Readers complained that they were hurt after being dumped or ghosted with no way back. There is no etiquette as to how to repair a gap in a relationship. Until now. Perhaps now when people are orbiting they will be more  considerate of other people's feelings.
  • In ghosting, which predates texting, you simply dump the person you were dating, courting or had previously had a crush on by going cold turkey and not answer texts or any kind of messaging. The dumper acts as though he/she never even knew the dumpee. Leaving the dumped to lick their wounds wondering what they did wrong. Too lazy, the wuss doesn't offer an explanation.
With orbiting it's all about the exciting anticipation of a date that may not actually ever be kept. It's risk aversion behavior. Orbiting is the current dating phenomenon.
  • There is no fear of obligation or commitment.
  • The heartbreak is allegedly less devastating when the relationship peters out -- drifts out of your orbit.
  • You circle round and round each other (much like wagging dogs sniffing each other in the park) through social media before making a decision as to whether to actually meet for the first time in person.
  • Or you return to the relationship you miss a lot.
  • It's self-protective.
When you discover that the other person follows you on Instagram and Snapchat and Likes and Replies to your Facebook posts, you know they're keeping you in their orbit.  If he or she is always showing up at the top of your Instagram posts, you're in their orbit and they are in your orbit. Keeping tabs on the "Ha Ha," "Tee, hee," or "Awesome" in response to a tweet shows you're orbiting.
  • A common theme in online dating is keeping an eye on your options.
  • In the gay community orbiting is a diplomatic way of cultivating being part of the community.
  • People orbit when they are not ready to commit but don't want to totally eliminate contact because they might miss out on being able to reconnect going forward.
  • Dming on a post is a way of getting into another person's orbit.
  • Orbiting lets us keep tabs on people whether it's a platonic or romantic relationship.
  • Not texting someone back is as rude as not returning a phone call or answering an email.
  • On the other hand, if s/he's a narcissist, s/he'll be back --  so block him or her.
As you can see there are many nuances to dating. With the tap of one's fingertips we're in a world where simply opening an app allows us to find out what a friend or lover is doing daily.
  • Orbiting is creepy. Like stalking, so watch out. Especially if you've been ghosted and s/he's orbiting you. Block him or her.
Think about orbiting as simply a game of hide-and-seek. If someone once ghosted you and they're still spying on you through social media, they are haunting you. It sounds as though your Johnny either couldn't get a ride to the dance and was too embarrassed to use that as an excuse, or he saw something on social media that changed his mind about going to the prom. It could have happened the other way around.
  • Us this incident as an opportunity to teach empathy.
  • From time to time monitor your teen's Internet behavior in the hope that you don't find that s/he is wasting time orbiting, or is being hauntingly orbited by someone else.
 

~Didi

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  • WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SAYING YOU ARE WELCOME
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WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SAYING YOU ARE WELCOME
When did the expression “You are welcome” slide from fashion? When I thank someone for helping me in some small or large way and I say, “Thank you,” I miss hearing the reply “You’re welcome.”
     How do we bring back saying, “You’re Welcome”?

–Grace, Hilton Head, SC

Don't stop using "You are welcome." Preserve the dialogue of gratitude. Keep using "You're welcome," and people won't take it for granted.
      What you have to remember about saying "you're welcome," is that it ends the dialogue. What do you say in response to "You're welcome"? You don't have to say anything.

~Didi

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  • GENDER BASED JOB DISCRIMINATION
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GENDER BASED JOB DISCRIMINATION
This question about gender based job discrimination may be an ethics question or it may be about etiquette, perhaps you can help me. I’ve applied for a big job that I know I’ll be good at.
      Am I under any obligation to give information about my children? Friends, who are also mothers in a similar dilemma and “confessed” to having children, didn’t get the job.
      I am totally covered as far as childcare is concerned, but if something did come up and it was discovered that I have children, will it seem that I’ve done something remiss by not having volunteered that information?

–Name Withheld

On the job application there should not have been a question about children or, for that matter, any gender based job discrimnation issue. During a job interview you're not obliged to bring up your parental status. You should not be asked.
      Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964: Equal Opportunity, prohibits employment discrimination based on race, color, religion, national origin and sex. Legally, you cannot be penalized for being a mother.
  • Remember that a man who makes it known that he has children is traditionally paid a higher salary or/and accrues more benefits than a woman in the same job.
  • Men in the workplace are rewarded for having children, while women doing the same job are penalized.
      Keep your parental status private: My best advice is to keep quiet about the kids until after you're weathered and tested. Leave your children's photos in your office desk drawer and on your cellphone. Eventually when you've secured the respect of your colleagues and those you report to, gently let out tidbits of news about your brilliant off-spring. Sorry, that's the way it is.
  • Should a colleague say, "I didn't know that you had children," nonchalantly respond saying, "I didn't think anyone would be interested."
The biggest mistake in terms of office politics is swearing one or two coworkers to secrecy. Your maternal status shouldn't be a secret per se, as a man wouldn't have had to keep his adorable kids hush-hush, because strutting paternity is considered macho.
      It's the gaming system. You're not alone. I know that it doesn't sound fair, but until you're sure of safe footing, you may have to play the game.
      Of course, if you're directly asked in a job interview (which is illegal) it may be the first clue that the job really isn't for you.
  • Check out the company culture at glassdoor.com.

~Didi

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  • I Can’t Get Rid Of My Husband — Divorce
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I Can’t Get Rid Of My Husband — Divorce

My husband and I separated a year ago. I’ve tried many times to persuade him to get a lawyer so we can get a divorce and let bygones be bygones, however, he’s lazy and cheap and can’t seem to find time to deal with our fizzled out marriage. I’ve tried talking to our mutual friends for support, but he doesn’t listen to them either. Help!

–AW, Brooklyn, NY

Do online research to look for how to get a quickie divorce. For instance, Angelina Jolie's divorce lawyer, Laura Wasser, offers quickie online divorces (as well as annulments and separations) starting at a fee as low as $750 at: It's Over Easy -

~Didi

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