Awkward Situations Archives - Page 2 of 19

DATING ETIQUETTE — Ghosting, Orbiting + Haunting
Creative Etiquette Solutions

DATING ETIQUETTE — Ghosting, Orbiting + Haunting

Dating etiquette was quite different when I was a teen. I’m trying to keep up with what’s going on with my young teenager and her friends. My daughter’s friend (let’s call her Amy) had a date for her school prom with a boy (we’ll call Johnny) from a neighboring town. At the last minute Johnny backed out.

Johnny and Amy connected through my daughter on social media. It seemed to be an amicable friendship. Even though they never actually met in person, they messaged everyday for three months. Now Amy and my daughter are wondering what went wrong? How could Johnny break the date to go to the prom with Amy without offering an excuse?

How do we teach our teenagers to navigate dating on social media in a more civilized and polite manner?

–Alice

Believe it or not, just when we thought etiquette was dead, we have an new dating etiquette. There is an etiquette to orbiting. In case you didn't know, orbiting is the new ghosting. The manners of dating are ever-changing. The last I heard ghosting was the new thing in dating. From my point of view ghosting is quite rude and totally impolite. I hated writing about it. Readers complained that they were hurt after being dumped or ghosted with no way back. There is no etiquette as to how to repair a gap in a relationship. Until now. Perhaps now when people are orbiting they will be more considerate of other people's feelings.

In ghosting, which predates texting, you simply dump the person you were dating, courting or had previously had a crush on by going cold turkey and not answer texts or any kind of messaging. The dumper acts as though he/she never even knew the dumpee. Leaving the dumped to lick their wounds wondering what they did wrong. Too lazy, the wuss doesn't offer an explanation.

With orbiting it's all about the exciting anticipation of a date that may not actually ever be kept. It's risk aversion behavior. Orbiting is the current dating phenomenon.

There is no fear of obligation or commitment.
The heartbreak is allegedly less devastating when the relationship peters out -- drifts out of your orbit.
You circle round and round each other (much like wagging dogs sniffing each other in the park) through social media before making a decision as to whether to actually meet for the first time in person.
Or you return to the relationship you miss a lot.
It's self-protective.

When you discover that the other person follows you on Instagram and Snapchat and Likes and Replies to your Facebook posts, you know they're keeping you in their orbit. If he or she is always showing up at the top of your Instagram posts, you're in their orbit and they are in your orbit. Keeping tabs on the "Ha Ha," "Tee, hee," or "Awesome" in response to a tweet shows you're orbiting.

A common theme in online dating is keeping an eye on your options.
In the gay community orbiting is a diplomatic way of cultivating being part of the community.
People orbit when they are not ready to commit but don't want to totally eliminate contact because they might miss out on being able to reconnect going forward.
Dming on a post is a way of getting into another person's orbit.
Orbiting lets us keep tabs on people whether it's a platonic or romantic relationship.
Not texting someone back is as rude as not returning a phone call or answering an email.
On the other hand, if s/he's a narcissist, s/he'll be back -- so block him or her.

As you can see there are many nuances to dating. With the tap of one's fingertips we're in a world where simply opening an app allows us to find out what a friend or lover is doing daily.

Orbiting is creepy. Like stalking, so watch out. Especially if you've been ghosted and s/he's orbiting you. Block him or her.

Think about orbiting as simply a game of hide-and-seek. If someone once ghosted you and they're still spying on you through social media, they are haunting you. It sounds as though your Johnny either couldn't get a ride to the dance and was too embarrassed to use that as an excuse, or he saw something on social media that changed his mind about going to the prom. It could have happened the other way around.

Us this incident as an opportunity to teach empathy.
From time to time monitor your teen's Internet behavior in the hope that you don't find that s/he is wasting time orbiting, or is being hauntingly orbited by someone else.

~Didi

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SAYING YOU ARE WELCOME
Creative Etiquette Solutions

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SAYING YOU ARE WELCOME

When did the expression “You are welcome” slide from fashion? When I thank someone for helping me in some small or large way and I say, “Thank you,” I miss hearing the reply “You’re welcome.”

How do we bring back saying, “You’re Welcome”?

–Grace, Hilton Head, SC

Don't stop using "You are welcome." Preserve the dialogue of gratitude. Keep using "You're welcome," and people won't take it for granted.

What you have to remember about saying "you're welcome," is that it ends the dialogue. What do you say in response to "You're welcome"? You don't have to say anything.

~Didi

GENDER BASED JOB DISCRIMINATION
Creative Etiquette Solutions

GENDER BASED JOB DISCRIMINATION

This question about gender based job discrimination may be an ethics question or it may be about etiquette, perhaps you can help me. I’ve applied for a big job that I know I’ll be good at.

Am I under any obligation to give information about my children? Friends, who are also mothers in a similar dilemma and “confessed” to having children, didn’t get the job.

I am totally covered as far as childcare is concerned, but if something did come up and it was discovered that I have children, will it seem that I’ve done something remiss by not having volunteered that information?

–Name Withheld

On the job application there should not have been a question about children or, for that matter, any gender based job discrimnation issue. During a job interview you're not obliged to bring up your parental status. You should not be asked.

Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964: Equal Opportunity, prohibits employment discrimination based on race, color, religion, national origin and sex. Legally, you cannot be penalized for being a mother.

Remember that a man who makes it known that he has children is traditionally paid a higher salary or/and accrues more benefits than a woman in the same job.
Men in the workplace are rewarded for having children, while women doing the same job are penalized.

Keep your parental status private: My best advice is to keep quiet about the kids until after you're weathered and tested. Leave your children's photos in your office desk drawer and on your cellphone. Eventually when you've secured the respect of your colleagues and those you report to, gently let out tidbits of news about your brilliant off-spring. Sorry, that's the way it is.

Should a colleague say, "I didn't know that you had children," nonchalantly respond saying, "I didn't think anyone would be interested."

The biggest mistake in terms of office politics is swearing one or two coworkers to secrecy. Your maternal status shouldn't be a secret per se, as a man wouldn't have had to keep his adorable kids hush-hush, because strutting paternity is considered macho.

It's the gaming system. You're not alone. I know that it doesn't sound fair, but until you're sure of safe footing, you may have to play the game.

Of course, if you're directly asked in a job interview (which is illegal) it may be the first clue that the job really isn't for you.

Check out the company culture at glassdoor.com.

~Didi

I Can’t Get Rid Of My Husband — Divorce
Creative Etiquette Solutions

I Can’t Get Rid Of My Husband — Divorce

My husband and I separated a year ago. I’ve tried many times to persuade him to get a lawyer so we can get a divorce and let bygones be bygones, however, he’s lazy and cheap and can’t seem to find time to deal with our fizzled out marriage. I’ve tried talking to our mutual friends for support, but he doesn’t listen to them either. Help!

–AW, Brooklyn, NY

Do online research to look for how to get a quickie divorce. For instance, Angelina Jolie's divorce lawyer, Laura Wasser, offers quickie online divorces (as well as annulments and separations) starting at a fee as low as $750 at: It's Over Easy -

https://www.itsovereasy.com

~Didi

The Politics of Pleasure — How To Talk About Bad Sex
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Politics of Pleasure — How To Talk About Bad Sex

My question is about talking about bad sex.

What is the best way to talk about bad sex? I feel I need to talk about it, but I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding as though I’m shaming him or being critical. I don’t consider myself a “Second Wave” feminist or a Twitter feminist, I just like sex.

–Name Withheld

Bad sex for women is different from bad sex for men. What the guy perceives is stress from trying to keep pace so that when he arrives at the right time and with the right tempo, he won't be too exhausted. Bad sex for a women varies from sensing disinterest to succumbing to the grinding of a workhorse.

The classic cultural conditioning of submission: his organism is requisite, hers elective. The reward is self-esteem; the price is self-respect.

As women are expected/socialized to be the emotional nannies at their own expense, our sexually illiterate culture makes it difficult to talk about bad sex and the many nuances of consent or the curves of great sex.

If he likes to read, send him this short story:

"The Cat Person," by Kristen Roupenian,
from the online New Yorker magazine:
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/12/11/cat-person.

Hopefully, after reading this sexy story he'll then be open to a discussion about the intricacies of intimate sex and gender power dynamics.

~Didi

How To Ask For A Salary Raise
Creative Etiquette Solutions

How To Ask For A Salary Raise

How do I go about getting a salary raise? I’ve worked for two years and not received an increase, nor a promotion nor any additional compensation.

I work overtime when I have to get my job done on time. I like my job, but it is a startup company without a Human Resources department to go to for advice.

I’m not confrontational because I’m constantly being cradled into complacency when I’m told that my work is exceptional and appreciated. But those praises are not reflected in my paycheck.

I happen to know that three of my male coworkers recently received raises. What really ticks me off is that I recently completed a certificate process in my field that these coworkers don’t have.

–Name Withheld, Providence

The gender gap is real, especially when it comes to paychecks, but it is slowly shrinking. I'm not asking you to wait it out, if anything, I want you to create a sales pitch - but you'll need to do some research.

Figure out your pitch to your boss.

The onus is on you to prove that you deserve a raise in salary. Start by preparing your pitch.

Made sure you've had an end to the 2017 job review. If you didn't get one, ask for one and for specific performance-review goals. Find out what is expected of you.
Ask what's different about your work from that of the coworkers who did get a raise and what it would take to bring you to parity.
If represented by a union and you work on a contract, find out where you are on the pay scale.
Research salaries in your line of work at several online sources.
Check the Bureau of Labor Statistics that oversees a thousand occupations.

Then practice:

Now that you're ready to practice your sales pitch, start by reciting it, alone, in the mirror, before cajoling a colleague or friend to critique your pitch.
Give examples of instances where you've shined to remind your boss that you are worthy of a raise.
Remember you're not asking for a special present, only compensation for your work.

Once you're confident that your arguments are valid:

Email your boss for an appointment to discuss your work.
Set up a time to meet by suggesting two different days, and let her/him set the exact time of the meeting.

Should your boss turn down your request for a raise:

Don't back down, stay firm.
Be prepared to suggest other duties you are willing to perform to meet your salary requirements.
Request that you and s/he revisit your request for a raise in six months.
Ask for a bonus or stock options.
Suggest training opportunities that would make you better skilled at your job.
Worse comes to worst and it is obvious that you won't be getting a raise, ask for a different work schedule or more vacation time. If traveling is part of your job, ask for fewer trips.

At the end of the day, if you're not receiving the compensation you feel you deserve, look for another company to work for.

But don't give up your current job before you have a better one.

~Didi

Shyness Is Old-Fashioned
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Shyness Is Old-Fashioned

My question is about how to help my girlfriend overcome her painful shyness.

My girl is extremely shy and fears people, she can’t even look me in the eyes but claims to love me so much to the extent of boasting to her friends that I’m hers … Is this normal, and is there a way I can help her boost her confidence??

–SF, Kenya, Africa

Thank you for your question about how to help your girlfriend overcome shyness.

Why not buy her a pair of hoop earrings to show off to her friends. When she wears them she may feel empowered with pride.

More importantly, talk to her. Tell her about your feelings for her.

Say that you want her to look you in the eyes when she speaks to you and to listen with her eyes when you are telling her something. She can break the habit of not making eye contact if you instill in her the fact that eye contact is a powerful way to communicate.

And that when she talks to someone she has strong feelings toward, she should back up her words with eye contact.

Eye contact is a kind of intimacy that develops over time when there is genuine trust on both sides.

My hunch is that she's shy about having sex. You can't assume from anyone's behavior that they are consenting to having sex.

Your girlfriend needs to feel safe about her feelings. Sex is performance based. She may not understand how to talk about sex or how to decide whether to consent or not.
You and she need a more nuanced understanding of consent. Verbal and visual signs are significant indicators. Talk about sex openly.
No subject should be off limits.

~Didi

The Taboo of Outing Death
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Taboo of Outing Death

Talking about death is my subject.

My girlfriend has become radically dark. She talks about death even though she’s healthy and she’s only 24. I love her, but when she goes darkish, it scares me.

I don’t like to hear her talking about death all the time, What do I do?

–AG, Portland, OR

Talking about death is never pleasant.

There is a mindfulness app for that. As a Valentine's gift, for 99 cents a month, sign your girlfriend up to receive WeCroak. Each day she'll be randomly sent five chilling reminders that death is inevitable.

The subject line will be like this, "Death Makes You Happy," to remind her that time on earth is indefinite and has an expiration date.

The theory is based on Bhutanese folklore that proclaims that to be truly happy we ought to think about death five times a day.

Contemplating death is supposed to help one get a grip on life when faced with mortality.

They say talking about death helps people find inner peace.

According to the New York Times, talking about death is trending when apps such as WeCroak reminds over nine thousand users five times a day that they can find inner peace by reminding them that they're going to die through the words of, perhaps, the Zen poet Gary Snyder.

Mostly in their twenties and thirties, they're breaking the taboo of talking about death.
The reminders arrive "at random times and at any moment just like death," writes Bianca Bosker in The Atlantic.

If your girlfriend is using her iPhone as a source for clarity and peace, instead of as a stressful distraction, WeCroak could make her happier.

According to a survey by the research firm Discout, your girlfriend may be trying to get away from checking her phone 76 (the average) times a day (roughly about two and a half hours), in the hope of finding the here and now.

Bosker concluded: "Amid growing concerns over phone fixation, Silicon Valley has, in typical fashion, proposed technology as the solution; there are now more than 1,000 mindfulness apps designed to help us disconnect."

Other mindfulness apps:

Headpeace: which has been downloaded over 18 million times, provides mediation sessions led by a former Buddhist monk.
Calm: this app is all about guided mediation with soothing soundtracks and has had over 14 million downloads.

~Didi

Trump’s Profanity Is Ill-Mannered and Poor Etiquette
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Trump’s Profanity Is Ill-Mannered and Poor Etiquette

My question is about President Trump’s profanity.

What do you tell your teenagers when they ask you why the president of the United States gets away with using foul language and having sex with prostitutes when they’re not allowed to use vulgar words?

–EL, Providence

About presidential behavior, specifically President Trump's profanity.

To quote the New York Times, "Trump has turned the culture wars upside down." It's blowback.

We're revisiting the naughty nineties, a decade of sexual scandals and cultural upheavals.

In Michael Wolfe's book Fire and Fury, Steve Bannon is quoted as telling the author about Trump's lawyer Marc Kasowitz: "Kasowitz on the campaign -- what did we have, a hundred women? Kasowitz took care of all of them."

We have a president who paid off a porn star for sex while his new wife was having his baby! (Don't tell your teens that.)

We are living in a brutal sexual culture. Clearly, talking straight about sex to your teens is necessary, and, yet, you don't want to sensationalize bad behavior.

~Didi