• The Politics of Pleasure — How To Talk About Bad Sex
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The Politics of Pleasure — How To Talk About Bad Sex
My question is about talking about bad sex.
 
      What is the best way to talk about bad sex?  I feel I need to talk about it, but I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding as though I’m shaming him or being critical. I don’t consider myself a “Second Wave” feminist or a Twitter feminist, I just like sex.

–Name Withheld

 Bad sex for women is different from bad sex for men. What the guy perceives is stress from trying to keep pace so that when he arrives at the right time and with the right tempo, he won't be too exhausted. Bad sex for a women varies from sensing disinterest to succumbing to the grinding of a workhorse.
 
     The classic cultural conditioning of submission: his organism is requisite, hers elective. The reward is self-esteem; the price is self-respect.
 
     As women are expected/socialized to be the emotional nannies at their own expense, our sexually illiterate culture makes it difficult to talk about bad sex and the many nuances of consent or the curves of great sex.
If he likes to read, send him this short story: 
      Hopefully, after reading this sexy story he'll then be open to a discussion about the intricacies of intimate sex and gender power dynamics.

~Didi

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  • How To Ask For A Salary Raise
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How To Ask For A Salary Raise
How do I go about getting a salary raise? I’ve worked for two years and not received an increase, nor a promotion nor any additional compensation.
      I work overtime when I have to get my job done on time. I like my job, but it is a startup company without a Human Resources department to go to for advice.
      I’m not confrontational because I’m constantly being cradled into complacency when I’m told that my work is exceptional and appreciated. But those praises are not reflected in my paycheck.
      I happen to know that three of my male coworkers recently received raises. What really ticks me off is that I recently completed a certificate process in my field that these coworkers don’t have.

–Name Withheld, Providence

The gender gap is real, especially when it comes to paychecks, but it is slowly shrinking. I'm not asking you to wait it out, if anything, I want you to create a sales pitch - but you'll need to do some research.
Figure out your pitch to your boss.
      The onus is on you to prove that you deserve a raise in salary. Start by preparing your pitch.
  • Made sure you've had an end to the 2017 job review. If you didn't get one, ask for one and for specific performance-review goals. Find out what is expected of you.
  • Ask what's different about your work from that of the coworkers who did get a raise and what it would take to bring you to parity.
  • If represented by a union and you work on a contract, find out where you are on the pay scale.
  • Research salaries in your line of work at several online sources.
  • Check the Bureau of Labor Statistics that oversees a thousand occupations.
Then practice:
  • Now that you're ready to practice your sales pitch, start by reciting it, alone, in the mirror, before cajoling a colleague or friend to critique your pitch.
  • Give examples of instances where you've shined to remind your boss that you are worthy of a raise.
  • Remember you're not asking for a special present, only compensation for your work.
Once you're confident that your arguments are valid:
  • Email your boss for an appointment to discuss your work.
  • Set up a time to meet by suggesting two different days, and let her/him set the exact time of the meeting.
Should your boss turn down your request for a raise:
  • Don't back down, stay firm.
  • Be prepared to suggest other duties you are willing to perform to meet your salary requirements.
  • Request that you and s/he revisit your request for a raise in six months.
  • Ask for a bonus or stock options.
  • Suggest training opportunities that would make you better skilled at your job.
  • Worse comes to worst and it is obvious that you won't be getting a raise, ask for a different work schedule or more vacation time. If traveling is part of your job, ask for fewer trips.
At the end of the day, if you're not receiving the compensation you feel you deserve, look for another company to work for.
      But don't give up your current job before you have a better one.

~Didi

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  • Shyness Is Old-Fashioned
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Shyness Is Old-Fashioned

My question is about how to help my girlfriend overcome her painful shyness.

My girl is extremely shy and fears people, she can’t even look me in the eyes but claims to love me so much to the extent of boasting to her friends that I’m hers … Is this normal, and is there a way I can help her boost her confidence??

–SF, Kenya, Africa

Thank you for your question about how to help your girlfriend overcome shyness.
Why not buy her a pair of hoop earrings to show off to her friends. When she wears them she may feel empowered with pride. 
 
More importantly, talk to her. Tell her about your feelings for her.  
 
Say that you want her to look you in the eyes when she speaks to you and to listen with her eyes when you are telling her something. She can break the habit of not making eye contact if you instill in her the fact that eye contact is a powerful way to communicate. 
 
And that when she talks to someone she has strong feelings toward, she should back up her words with eye contact.
 
Eye contact is a kind of intimacy that develops over time when there is genuine trust on both sides.
My hunch is that she's shy about having sex. You can't assume from anyone's behavior that they are consenting to having sex. 
  • Your girlfriend needs to feel safe about her feelings. Sex is performance based. She may not understand how to talk about sex or how to decide whether to consent or not. 
  • You and she need a more nuanced understanding of consent. Verbal and visual signs are significant indicators. Talk about sex openly. 
  • No subject should be off limits.   

~Didi

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  • The Taboo of Outing Death
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The Taboo of Outing Death

Talking about death is my subject.

My girlfriend has become radically dark. She talks about death even though she’s healthy and she’s only 24. I love her, but when she goes darkish, it scares me.

I don’t like to hear her talking about death all the time, What do I do?

–AG, Portland, OR

Talking about death is never pleasant.
     
      There is a mindfulness app for that. As a Valentine's gift, for 99 cents a month, sign your girlfriend up to receive WeCroak. Each day she'll be randomly sent five chilling reminders that death is inevitable.
      The subject line will be like this, "Death Makes You Happy," to remind her that time on earth is indefinite and has an expiration date.
      The theory is based on Bhutanese folklore that proclaims that to be truly happy we ought to think about death five times a day.
      Contemplating death is supposed to help one get a grip on life when faced with mortality.
They say talking about death helps people find inner peace.
 
According to the New York Times, talking about death is trending when apps such as WeCroak reminds over nine thousand users five times a day that they can find inner peace by reminding them that they're going to die through the words of, perhaps, the Zen poet Gary Snyder.
  • Mostly in their twenties and thirties, they're breaking the taboo of talking about death.
  • The reminders arrive "at random times and at any moment just like death," writes Bianca Bosker in The Atlantic.
If your girlfriend is using her iPhone as a source for clarity and peace, instead of as a stressful distraction, WeCroak could make her happier.
  • According to a survey by the research firm Discout, your girlfriend may be trying to get away from checking her phone 76 (the average) times a day (roughly about two and a half hours), in the hope of finding the here and now.  
Bosker concluded: "Amid growing concerns over phone fixation, Silicon Valley has, in typical fashion, proposed technology as the solution; there are now more than 1,000 mindfulness apps designed to help us disconnect."
 
Other mindfulness apps:
  • Headpeace: which has been downloaded over 18 million times, provides mediation sessions led by a former Buddhist monk.
  • Calm: this app is all about guided mediation with soothing soundtracks and has had over 14 million downloads.

~Didi

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  • Trump’s Profanity Is Ill-Mannered and Poor Etiquette
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Trump’s Profanity Is Ill-Mannered and Poor Etiquette

My question is about President Trump’s profanity.

What do you tell your teenagers when they ask you why the president of the United States gets away with using foul language and having sex with prostitutes when they’re not allowed to use vulgar words?

–EL, Providence

About presidential behavior, specifically President Trump's profanity.
To quote the New York Times, "Trump has turned the culture wars upside down." It's blowback. 
     We're revisiting the naughty nineties, a decade of sexual scandals and cultural upheavals. 
      In Michael Wolfe's book Fire and Fury, Steve Bannon is quoted as telling the author about Trump's lawyer Marc Kasowitz: "Kasowitz on the campaign  -- what did we have, a hundred women? Kasowitz took care of all of them." 
 
      We have a president who paid off a porn star for sex while his new wife was having his baby! (Don't tell your teens that.) 
      We are living in a brutal sexual culture. Clearly, talking straight about sex to your teens is necessary, and, yet, you don't want to sensationalize bad behavior.

~Didi

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  • Time’s Up Dilemma
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Time’s Up Dilemma

The Time’s Up movement has led me to do some heavy thinking while applying for jobs.

How do I know if a potential boss, a male, is hiring me for my skills and abilities, and not just  for my conventionally pretty youthful looks?

The job I’ve been offered, shall we say, is a job to grow into. I know I am capable of doing the work.

That is if I don’t get into a cycle of self-doubt that spirals out and makes me question every decision and second guess every opportunity that comes my way.

If I fail and am fired because I can’t do the job, that fact will forever be on my résumé.

–Amy, Chicago

Thank you for your Time's Up question.
      First off, if you are let go, you do not have to declare that fact on your résumé.
      When questioned, you can say that the climate of the job wasn't a good fit for you.
      Make it about your goals and not about the company that let you go.

~Didi

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  • How To Help An Alcoholic Friend When You’re Not Family
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How To Help An Alcoholic Friend When You’re Not Family
During the holidays I found myself in an excruciatingly difficult social situation with the husband of a good friend. I am not paranoid, but at a Christmas party he followed me out of one room and into another where he cornered me to give me a message.
      He asked that we sit down to talk. Hearing kindness in his voice, we sat down and shot the breeze about our careers and our kids. After the ice was broken, he put me on notice. But didn’t say what I was to do about it.
      If his wife doesn’t stop drinking, he told her he would leave her even though he loves her. He clearly can’t watch her deteriorate further.
      As her friend, what is my obligation? According to her husband, it sounds as though he has given her a verbal ultimatum. I’m not going to repeat what he said to me to her.

–Name Withheld

You cannot take sides. Your good friend needs your support.
      Her husband needs you to listen to him. He's already given her the ultimatum. If she is a really good friend, the best you can do is offer to go to AA with her.
      You can also tell her husband that you would be willing to participate in an intervention, but he has to organize and set it up with other members of her family.

~Didi

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  • Paying Minimum Wage
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Paying Minimum Wage

My parents have help with their daily care, but don’t pay a minimum wage. They are needlessly tight with their money, how do we get them to pay these loyal and devoted caregivers a minimum wage? We find it embarrassing to even talk to them about it.

When we try to discuss the injustice with my parents, they say, “We’ve always paid them that, why should we pay more?”

–Name Withheld

Find out the minimum wage in your state and explain so that your parents will listen, that prices have risen and their caregivers' current salaries should be based on the legal wage, whether it is fifty cents or a dollar more an hour, it will make a difference in their lives.

~Didi

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  • Don’t Forget The Mischievous Mistletoe Kiss
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Don’t Forget The Mischievous Mistletoe Kiss

What about the mistletoe kiss?

For our holiday parties we’ve always fastened a sprig of mistletoe in the doorways between the rooms we use during the party.

Would it be political incorrect suicide to hang mistletoe in the age of #MeToo?

–Allison, Brooklyn, NY

 The tradition of the mistletoe kiss, where any man is allowed to kiss any woman standing underneath the mistletoe, stems from cultures that associated mistletoe with fertility and vitality.
      If a woman is unwittingly caught standing under the mistletoe, ask before you kiss.
The superstition is that it is bad luck to refuse to be kissed while standing under the mistletoe.
      When your mistletoe is live, and not plastic, with each kiss a berry is plucked from the mistletoe and when the mistletoe is bare of berries the kissing must stop.

~Didi

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  • Holiday Office Party Rules and Protocol for Professionals
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Holiday Office Party Rules and Protocol for Professionals

About the current rules for holiday office parties.

With the winner of the Time magazine person of the year the collective of women who have spoken out and are still speaking out about sexual assault and harassment, I feel a certain chill has come over Christmastime merrymaking.

Meanwhile predators are speaking up in denial sending a huge mixed message that some can get away with it while others cannot. What should we know when attending a Christmas office party?

–AD, Hoboken, NJ

Keep in mind the fact that the holiday office party is not the last time you will be seeing everyone in the office -- bright and early the following morning.
      To play the game of office politics, you have to know the rules. To win respect you have to remember the protocol.
You must
  • dress appropriately, meaning dress festively.
  • remember that the holiday party is ruled by the good manners of the office.
  • have good hygiene, you're not off the grid.
  • turn off your cellphone.
  • keep track of your alcohol intake.
  • behave in a professional manner at all times.
  • keep the vibes convivial, it is not the time for petty grievances, revenge, gossip or political debate.
  • never bring a plus-one, SO, or spouse unless the invitation specifies that you can bring a guest. Guests don't bring guests -- and remember even at an office party, you are a guest.
  • be sure to wear your name tag on the right side, because it will be more visible.
  • try to keep your glass in your left hand to allow your freed right hand to shake hands.
  • remember that people will be watching and taking notes, which is why you keep your hands to yourself.
  • before departing, thank your host.
  • remember that you never want to be the last person standing.
  • report any sexual assault to #MeToo or #BalanceTonPorc.
You must never
  • miss the office party or arrive too late -- even if you have to pay a babysitter extra or miss finishing a report.
  • grope, grab, slap on the back, kiss or hug, without saying, for instance, "Can I give you a hug?"
  • talk and eat at the same time because food can go shooting out of your mouth.
  • drink too much.
  • discuss work matters, unless your boss asks you a direct question.
  • make a fool of yourself.
  • take a call, but you can look for messages and go outside the party to text or return the call.
  • forget to thank the host.
A recent survey of 150 human resources representatives found that the number of office parties will be the same this year, however, only 47.8 percent of employers will be offering alcohol -- down from 62% in 2016.
  • Holiday gatherings are taking a low-keyed turn toward focusing on team building such as volunteering to work on community projects.
  • Others are limiting the amount of alcohol by providing no more than two tickets for alcohol cocktails.

#Me Too  #BalanceTonPorc

~Didi

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