Acknowledgements Archives - Newport Manners

Memorial Service Etiquette
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Memorial Service Etiquette

My husband is dying. We have hospice in the house and I would like to know about memorial service etiquette. What should I be doing? They predict he’ll be dead in 72 hours.

–LS, Montauk, NY

About memorial service etiquette. As you no doubt know, the purpose of a memorial service is to remember your husband in a manner in which you and his close family and friends knew him. It can also be a way to say goodbye to his physical presence. The memorial service may be an essential form of support for those who loved your husband and knew him well, and those who knew him not as well, but really liked him. Aside from nurturing and comforting family members and your husband's closest friends, you would orchestrate various practical elements: the burial, the obituary, the memorial service, the program or takeaway.

That handout consists of the order of the service as well as photos, favorite poem, etc. of your husband, and, last but not least, the sympathy acknowledgment.

In many families, the elders are encouraged to make a draft or outline of their obituary, as well as to leave written instructions as to how and where they wish to be buried.

A recently deceased friend, a former diplomat who lived by protocol, had his entire church service worked out beforehand spending "hundreds of hours," going over every detail of his funeral with the minister. She made that clear in her sermon.

Even as the spouse, you may not have those directives, but at the memorial service you would be expected to greet all the mourners and be introduced to partners and spouses.

A series of tasks would presumably overwhelm anyone grieving and the more delegating you can do the better.

Nevertheless, these elements are part of the letting go and filling the empty void, that, somewhat, eases and prepares the grieving process. Burial: The traditional, conventional details will be outlined for you by a good funeral director, who will shepherd you through the steps.

The director, or staff, will give you the information you need to decide about how and where your husband's remains will be handled, and buried or stored.
You will be asked to choose a vessel, either a coffin for the embalmed body or an urn in which to safe keep the cremated ashes. You will be prompted at every question to make it easier for you to come to a decision.
You will even be asked about the particulars of your husband's life, because the funeral home releases a death announcement (template obituary) to local newspapers.

Obituary: Ideally, the family would write the obituary. Look at recent notices in your local paper to find a style that suits you and adapt the wording to fit information about your husband; his milestones, and family.

Starting this now will possibly enable you to query your husband for his input.
At the end of the obituary you will just need to add information as to the date, time, and place of the memorial service (if it is open to the public), as well as where to send a check "in lieu of flowers in honor the deceased."

Memorial Service: Whether the service takes place at your husband's favorite fishing rock, watering hole, or in your home or a house of worship, having someone you know to officiate is ideal.

You want to be sure that the officiate knows many of the specifics about your husband in order for him/her to sound credible; they will help you plan the order of service and program.
When there is a reception following the service, the officiate would invite the mourners to attend, "The family would like you to join them (following the service or after the private burial) at ...."

*You can find out how much the officiate is owed for their time (and in some instances travel expenses) from their office. Flowers: Aside from the boutonnieres that the ushers wear as an identity badge, you can also instruct relatives or friends to take charge of the flowers. Have them write a brief description (white roses spray with blue bachelor buttons) on the back of the florist cards. Ushers: Family members and close friends will either step up to volunteer as ushers, or you'll have to ask several people ahead of time to help greet and seat mourners and see to it that everyone is given a handout/program. Program/Handout: The church, or house of worship, should be able to provide you with the template for the order of the service and help you select prayers, readings and music, plus have that handout printed in time for the service.

For a memorial service you would have more time to have a program printed that reflects your aesthetic.
It would include the order and names of the various speakers and readers, and could display a photo of your husband, say, on the front, and a photo of the two of you, or of your family, on the back, making it a takeaway remembrance.

Reception: This gathering of the clan and fans is a opportunity for the family to thank mourners for attending the memorial service, and, possibly, for other sweet expressions of sympathy extended, such as flowers, cards, reading your husband's favorite poem or reminiscing about his success during the service. *You will have handpicked those speakers ahead of time. Venue: A parish hall is convenient space for holding the reception, because of the parking, kitchen catering, and proximity to the church. The most intimate setting would be your home. At the very least, sandwiches, coffee, and sweets are offered over a a period of approximately one to two hours to give guests a chance to sit informally and chat. The sympathy acknowledgement is the thank-you note in the form of a thick paper card or a thin paper fold-over card. They can be found already printed, but not personalized, boxed by the dozen in stationery stores or printed to your specifications there (in Newport we use the stationery store Papers); or designed and ordered at online stationery stores such as reavesengraving.com and dempseyandcarroll.com mason

These sympathy acknowledgment cards, whether preprinted or printed to order, can be shared with family members; you each write your own sweet expression of gratitude to your friend on the back of the card; or if a fold-over, write in the inside. Just a sentence or two to give thanks for the flowers, etc., or simply for their attendance, before signing your name, would be apt. You would not need to have the return address printed as each family member can fill in their own address on the back of the envelope.

Depending on your style, a laminated photo of your husband can be enclosed with the sympathy acknowledgment.
That second card can also include his date of birth, date of death, and even a quote from the scriptures, his favorite poem or song.

~Didi

The Importance of The Handwritten Note — Relationships
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Importance of The Handwritten Note — Relationships

This is about relationships. A good friend’s last remaining parent died and I’ve been trying to be as helpful as I can. Do I still need to write her a personal note? Or would that be just another note she’d have to acknowledge? Should I send her a condolence card or do I have to write a letter? She asked me if she needs to write to 150 people who ‘Liked’ the photo of her parent that she posted on Facebook to announce the parent’s death or can she just ‘Reply’ with a quick ‘Thank You’? If she thanked friends in person for their flowers at the funeral, does she still have to send a sympathy acknowledgement?

–EH, Boston

Handwriting is the most elegant form of communication in relationships. The whole exercise of expressive note writing whether in sympathy or gratitude -- even a few lines on a commercial condolence card and finding a stamp (who has those any longer?) -- is part of the mourning process. You can send your friend a handwritten note on your best stationery (even if its left over from your wedding) or a thoughtful greeting card. BillMiller59242542781T

Trust me. It will make you happier to write her a note. In many instances, including that of the survivor, writing is cathartic for mourning. There is a de-escalation process where the survivor reciprocates, acknowledging in writing the death of their parent to friends and family; when she sends acknowledgement cards that include a short message she's accepting her grief. Expressing the loss of that relationship is therapeutic for the writer as well as the survivor Hopefully, these simple guidelines will make it easier to understand: With the case for handwriting your message, the evidence is evident. We now know from recent brain scan studies that early handwriting helps kids to learn how to read, and that keyboards don't have the same effect. Forming the letters with a pen/pencil enables children to break the code by producing more brain activity than merely viewing letters on a keyboard. There's more evidence that handwriting lecture notes, compared to typing on a laptop or iPhone, improves learning for college students.

The gratitude letter that your friend would be writing in return is positive psychology. It is written as a specific expression of thanks to a person who has been especially thoughtful, kind or important to her. Apparently, 99% of the time the gratitude letter works. And why wouldn't it?

As I said before, handwriting is the most elegant form of communication. It makes you happier, smarter and more endearing. In most instances, handwriting is another tool for thinking, expression, creativity, and communication. BillMiller59242543012

A good handwritten letter

is personal and is personalized (when you send a tweet, email, text, or FB message, you should still follow up with a handwritten note or card when you know the person well.)
represents the writer's undivided attention (unlike an email or phone call while multi-tasking at work.)
is a thoughtful gesture appreciated for its effort, time spent writing it and finding a stamp. People remember who wrote a heartfelt letter and who sent a text.

The gratitude letter

for a gift of any kind or any occasion acknowledgement is appreciated. It sustains the relationship. If I spend half a day making a meatloaf and cherry pie to bring you while you're recuperating from a knee replacement, I am grateful to receive a handwritten message of appreciation.
is appreciated when someone goes out of their way (again, spending time on you) to introduce you to someone who becomes your boss, mentor, investor, or business partner; or pulls strings for you.

A condolence letter

can be sent anytime, the sooner the better, however, there are no rules or time constraints.
should never include unhelpful phrases (see below).
is NOT about being profound.
is all about acknowledging a death and expressing genuine sympathy.
is not the place to compare losses (saying you've experienced the same loss could annoy the person).

What NOT to say:

It's for the best.
I/we know how you feel. (You don't know how they feel, no matter how well you think you know the person.)
He lived a full life.
My mother had ______, too.
How are you? Obviously, they're hurting
It was the right time -- because she may have been let go.

What to AVOID:

Don't promise to help, if you're not sure you will.
Don't go on too long, because brevity is key.
Don't go into the drastic circumstances of the deceased.
Don't say anything even vaguely religious, unless it is appropriate.Don't sign off with just Sincerely, which sounds cold.

When you don't know the person well, how to sign off in closing:

With sympathy,
Please accept our condolences,
Our sincere sympathy,
With caring thoughts,
With deepest sympathy,
Warmest condolences,
With deepest sympathy for your loss,

When you know the recipient well:

With love,
With loving memories,
Thinking of you,
Our thoughts are of you, our hearts are with you,

Add the deceased's name in the closing -- even if it is a pet:

Stella will never be forgotten,
Toby will live on in our hearts,
Louis will remain in our hearts,
We will never forget Elaine,

Much appreciation to the Printery, Oyster Bay, New York,

for the use of all of the exquisite samples above.

~Didi

Death of The Thank-You Note
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Death of The Thank-You Note

As a working mother I’ve found it a hell of a lot easier to email one generic thank-you note which I personalize slightly for each person before clicking send. Alternating between adding ‘thank you for having us at your holiday party’ to ‘thanks ever so much for the delicious tin of cheese straws.’

My sister says the recipient will assume I copied the email and wrote the same thank-you note to everyone. Isn’t it better to send a thank-you note any way I can and get the job done with an email, rather than agonizing over writing by hand every note and never finishing the arduous task?

–EH, Roxbury, MA

A handwritten thank-you note trumps any other kind of expression of gratitude -- even a phone call.

Take shortcuts if you have to with an thank you e-card (such as a Jacquie Lawson @ jacquielawson.com) but when sustaining the relationship is of the utmost importance to you, use that stationery or the correspondence cards in the back of your drawer and write a heartfelt letter of appreciation with your favorite pen.

A thank-you card or letter is best mailed within two weeks.

Reasons to write a thank-you card: To express gratitude for support, whether for a job interview, reference, letter of recommendation; to acknowledge the receipt of a present for a holiday, birthday, wedding, christening, communion, anniversary, graduation; in appreciation for a condolence letter for the loss of a loved one; or for having been invited to a professional or social event.

From an early age, children who learn to write thank-you notes expressing their thanks for a specific present develop a livelong skill, the art of showing appreciation:

Dear Uncle Tom, Thank you for my bike I like having a basket to carry my ball and a bell to ring. Dad is teaching me how to ride it. Love from, Charlie B.

Thank You 8_edited-1

~Didi

Memorial To My Sister
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Memorial To My Sister

My sister died this past spring in Italy, where she had lived for many years. As an artist, I felt I had to create a work — a memorial to my sister — and have cards made up of the image to send to her friends. Is that appropriate? Even though we lived in different countries, we were close and I took care of her as well as I could. I spent a few days with her two weeks before she died when we said our good-byes.

Friends of hers have written their condolences, but since Italian is not my native tongue, I want to send them the image I created for my sister that is helping me through my deep feelings of grief. She was buried with her husband who predeceased her, so I feel as her brother this is something I can do to commemorate her life. Is it OK? She was always greatly supportive of my work.

–B.J., Westport, CT

What a truly wonderful expression of appreciation for the life of your sister. Through a memorial to your sister in the form of an original work of art printed on a card, you are immortalizing her. You will not have to have too many words in the card following a powerful image. It could be as simple as her name above the years of her her life. Adding a few handwritten words of appreciation before signing your name would be perfect:

With much appreciation,

most sincerely and all

good wishes,

Don't give this creative instinct a second thought. In your own time and in your own way, you are stating that your sister will be remembered.

~Didi

Children’s Attendance at Funerals
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Children’s Attendance at Funerals

My son recently passed away during an operation unexpectedly. His entire school went to the funeral. How do I thank them?

–Sad in West Virginia

Attending a classmate's funeral helps your son's friends and classmates to cope with their loss. Children's attendance at funerals educates them to recognize the importance of being part of a community. Children should be included in all aspects of family rituals and their school is an extension of their family. It is not necessary for you to thank your son's schoolmates, but you can certainly do so in several ways.

The family of John Wilson

deeply appreciates your

sympathy and is grateful

for your thoughtfulness

You definitely could have an acknowledgement posted on the school bulletin board using the wording shown above, but inserting your son's name.

Additionally, you could raise funds to provide the school with something it needs such as a bicycle rack, the replacement of a tree on the property, a new basket ball hoop, books for the library in which you could place a bookplate (see bookplateink.com) in each of the books like the one below that would say: In memory of John Wilson (inserting your son's name).

Having children's attendance at funerals teaches them that a funeral plays an important role in their mourning and helps them see death as a fact of life.

~Didi

Funeral Etiquette Flowers
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Funeral Etiquette Flowers

I am writing to you because you are an etiquette expert and I find myself at a loss not knowing what the appropriate etiquette is today because, thankfully, I have not had much experience with funerals.

My Dr. and dear friend died by suicide last week. You probably read about it in the New York Times. He was 65, a gay man without a partner, and no family except a brother he was distant from. He had so many friends and patients, that were also friends, and we all loved him.

One of his patients/friends is giving the funeral service tonight at Lincoln Centre for him. It is extremely generous of her to have organized everything.

I sent my own large arrangement and had my florist coordinate with her florist, who is doing the event’s florals, to keep on theme.

That aside I feel like I should send her a small posy of her favorite blooms and a note thanking her for stepping up during a time when we are all in shock. It is a huge responsibility to organize.

The only thing stopping me is that I don’t know her personally, only peripherally. In this situation is it appropriate for me to have my florist send a small discrete arrangement and a thank-you note?

–Francesca, NY, NY

What a shock for you and his whole community that the good doctor took his own life. He must have been in a lot of emotional pain. The flowers to the service are generous and quite enough for now. About funeral etiquette flowers. My experience has been that during this time when emotion encompasses a broad range of feelings, reality has yet to set in. From the shock after the death of a loved one to the stress of orchestrating such an elaborate funeral service, it must be over-whelming for her. A well-meaning gift to the host of flowers can often be forgotten at this time. And is rarely acknowledged. On the other hand, one should never expect an acknowledgement. A small elegant arrangement of posies sent to the host reflecting your condolences and gratitude, would be appreciated much more deeply later on rather than now.

In a week or two when matters have calmed down, would be better timing. And who knows, you might even find a thank-you note in your mail. My point isn't about the thank-you note, it is about understanding the confusion of emotions surrounding the death of anyone. Also, on your enclosure with the flowers you can thank the host for organizing the 'moving and elegant funeral service.'

~Didi

Memorial Service and Luncheon Invitation
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Memorial Service and Luncheon Invitation

My mother passed away and her memorial service will be held two months later with a luncheon at a restaurant afterwards. I am sending invitations to the memorial service and a restaurant luncheon afterwards with directions and a copy of my mother’s obituary, if they did not see it.

With family and friends who live a couple of states away and some who are elderly, I want to let them know they are invited, but I also do not expect them to travel the distance to attend. I would let them know their caring is a great comfort. My intention is to let them know I would understand if they did not come. I do not want to be inappropriate. Is it okay for me to say something like this?

–GBW

Most of these family and friends who live a couple of states away will have been in a similar situation before and will know how to respond. It is sweet of you to want to let them off the hook, but they'll know you won't expect them to attend your mother's memorial service. In their own time and in their own way they will mourn your mother, even if they don't attend the memorial. A way to encourage them to attend would be to find friends who would be happy to put them up in their homes, alleviating much of the expense. You have two months to work on that. In my opinion, you would save letting them know their caring is a great comfort personally for your acknowledgement for their expression of symphony, when you respond to the card, flowers or handwritten note they sent. This is all part of the mourning processes. What you can do is to send out the invitation along with information about where to stay, and simply say that you have reserved a block of rooms in a nearby motel at a discount, or you have friends who will put them up. If people would like to attend and are looking for a place to stay, they will call you for advice. Again, in my opinion, I would not be too mushy, because it can come off as sounding like a guilt trip. State the facts, acknowledge and appreciate, but don't overdo it.

~Didi

Acknowledgements
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Acknowledgements

My family had a memorial service at church on May 29, 2014. It is now October 8, 2014. Is it too late to send out acknowledgement cards? Do I send acknowledgements to everyone who sent sympathy cards to my family? Do I send an acknowledgement card to everyone at my church? I did but a thank you in the church bulletin. I also sent acknowledgement cards to many of the church members. Should I continue to send out cards to everyone?

–A.M.

It sounds as though you have already acknowledged many expressions of sympathy from fellow church members and friends. Condolences could continue to trickle in for awhile. Buy a box of acknowledgement cards at a stationery store and use those. Alternatively, you can have a simple card made up on which you can add a line or two before signing your name. The card would read something like this, with the lines centered on the card:

The family of Theodore Delano Roosevelt deeply appreciates and gratefully acknowledges your kind expression of sympathy

Yes, people would expect to be acknowledged for their expression of sympathy and there is no time limit when it comes to saying. I am sorry for your loss. Those who read your acknowledgement in the church bulletin will not expect further attention.

~Didi

Funerals Where Cultures Clash
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Funerals Where Cultures Clash

My mother just passed away; she was a very private person and did not want a public funeral service or obituary. My brothers, sisters and I have respected her wishes. She lived far away from all of us, so we all met at her hometown, and honored her privately.

A member of my wife’s family sent out a mass email to her extended family (cousins, etc.) announcing that my mother had passed away. None of these people knew my mother. My wife says this is customary and that people need to know so that they can send condolences. I’m sure they mean well, but this feels like our desire for privacy wasn’t respected. Is it really OK and “customary” for people other than the immediate family to send out announcements of this sort?

–E. B.

When cultures clash, social nuances are not always recognized or understood. Your wife's relative acted from the emotions of her culture where families encourage a lot of comforting through condolences and sympathy cards. A culture that does not reflect your mother's request for a modest and private mourning. Your wife's relative made a mistake in your mother's culture, but in your wife's culture her family would have felt slighted if they had not been informed and allowed to send their condolences. Funerals and burials are so emotionally charged that we have to make allowances for everyone to mourn the deceased in their own way and in their own time. Even if they didn't even know the deceased. Don't forget, your wife's family strongly believe that condolences are obligatory. On the other hand, you cannot keep this resentment bundled up inside of you. Take your wife out for dinner and have a relaxed evening talking about your mother and explaining how in her culture she took great pride in being modest and unassuming, because she didn't feel the need to call attention to herself--in life or death. Tell her you would like her family to honor these beliefs going forward, if you feel as she did. Be sure your wife learns from your explanation and doesn't just reply with a lot of meaningless words--albeit well-meaning. It is important that she learns the significant nuances of your culture---and you of hers---and you're the only one who can teach her. Of course, the condolences from her family will have to be acknowledged. Let your wife mourn your mother in her own way by having her write the thank-you notes to all of her family members who sent cards.

~Didi

Death of A Sibling
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Death of A Sibling

My brother passed and I am receiving cards and baskets at my home addressed to me from my friends and organizations. Please give me some advice as what to write in a thank you note. Should I mention the his family is thanking them?

–Morrison

When there are a lot of acknowledgments to be sent, make it easier on yourself by using a pre-printed acknowledgment card, which can be found at a good stationery store or online, where you fill out the deceased's name. Many families have a simple card printed up to share amongst family members. Wording such as this is centered on the card:

The family and friends of George Brown Wilson gratefully acknowledge and deeply appreciate your kind expression of sympathy

Then inside the card or on the back, you can write a short sentence saying, "Thank you for the wonderful basket of food." before signing your name. Of course, you can also send a short message on a boxed thank-you note card saying basically the same thing. There is, also, an old expression, "On behalf of the rest of the family," that seems stilted. You could, also, include a favorite photograph separately or have it printed on the acknowledgment.

~Didi

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