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POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE & MANNERS: GHOSTING
Creative Etiquette Solutions

POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE & MANNERS: GHOSTING

My question is about the etiquette + manners of ghosting. She ghosted me and I want to know why?

After meeting on social media and messaging for months followed by months of dating, she’s disappeared. It’s like I can’t believe it. Over the past six months I fell hard.

I was actually worried that something terrible had happened to her. How was I to know she wasn’t still alive? So, of course, I started stalking her on social media. What I was looking for was evidence that she was 1.) still alive and functioning, 2.) she was seeing someone else. I almost wished that she wasn’t still alive, because it would be less painful and I could mourn her.

But there were no tributes to her posted by family and friends. Her posts were the same as always about fashion and friends. Friends, whom I thought were becoming my friend as well. Although, I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking to meet any of those friends for drinks to find out why she was ghosting me.

Why? I am supposed to be an upright, secure professional; smart enough to figure out matters of the heart and win her back without enlisting outside help.

Looking back at previous relationships, it seems I’ve been the one to break it off; either because I was going away to college, relocating to another city or simply wasn’t into drinking every night. In that case, I told her that she had a problem and that if she didn’t control her drinking, I couldn’t be with her anymore. Ultimately, it was her choice, she couldn’t face the fact that she was a drunk.

As far as I could see, there was nothing wrong with my current ex or with our relationship. Not a clue of another boyfriend or that she didn’t like being with me and the sex was outrageous. When she stopped returning messages, I asked her why she wasn’t replying and to tell me what was wrong. In the past, she always replied quickly. Now, nothing.

I tried to get her to meet me, and I almost waited for her outside of work, but decided that ambushing her would put her in an uncomfortable position; especially if someone was with her. I’m not going to spy on her.

Even if she messaged me, “it’s not you, it’s me” the blow would be softened. Or if she said, “I’m really busy,” but of course I would be able to see that she wasn’t too busy to be posting on Instagram.

What should I do? Last month I bought her pearl earrings she admired for Valentine’s Day, which I should probably return.

–Jack, Brooklyn, NY

Hello Jack, Come what may, whether ghosting is a human issue or a technological one, return the pearl earrings. You can't mourn your ex-girlfriend, because she is still alive. Accept that ghosting is a ghastly dating trend and go back on the dating app and ask trusted friends to set you up. Unless she's blocked you, she'll see that you're dating again. As a last resort, simply delete your dating apps. GHOSTING (also called SUBMARINING) is a dangerous, hurtful game. Ceasing contact without so much as an "it's me, not you," is rude. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Welcome to being one of the 80%+ of millennials that admit to being ghosted.

Investigate new features, such as from Hinge, that send the message "Your Turn" as a follow-up to all messages sent. Some give fair warning: "NO GHOSTING ON BUMBLE." Use apps that encourage feedback from the recipient.

Looking for an addictive dopamine hit? We get the game being played on social media. Under the guise of introducing you to a potential mate, they keep you coming back for a fix--a dozen, two dozen more swipes. Apps that gamily search for love--sometimes in all the wrong places--that is nothing more than monogamous romance, through instant gratification of having a possible match pop up with a swipe! Is she the one?

Some see the rise in ghosting as an intrinsically technology-driven problem.
Some blame the childlike behavior (as in the childish word 'ghosting') on the narcissist who doesn't respect the rules of the game and consequently hurts other people's feelings again and again.
Others blame the game on the anonymity offered by a screen, the sense that the world is their oyster and swiping is their knife to finding the right match--after opening the oyster to find the perfect pearl they can do anything they want.
In that vein, bad behavior becomes bad manners and etiquette.

One of the first things we strive to teach children is to be sensitive to other people's feelings. Your ex-girlfriend didn't get that important lesson. Not all oysters produce pearls. Return the pearls.

~Didi

Very January
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Very January

A ‘very January’ time of year to you too! Love you all! A special huge, huge thanks to the many well-wishers and subscribers. I missed writing to you every day and now I’m back and wondering how you’re doing so far in 2019?

How are you? What holdover from the holidays is bugging you? How are you doing on those bloody resolutions?

Holiday Leftover Peeves

What’s still ticking you off about the holidays? Did you invite a guest to your holiday party who antagonized your friends with his pro-Trump rhetoric followed by rants about Obama’s birth certificate and “fake Hillary”? And you’re still apologizing to your friends that he offended?

Did your dog attack the holiday ham just as your guests were arriving?
Do you feel you have to write thank-notes to holiday party guests who brought you a hostess gift?
Did you receive a spectacular present from a colleague you didn’t give a present to, and how did you react?
Are you annoyed at our ‘forced hugging culture’ where everyone feels they have to give-a-hug-to-get-a-hug? Or do you think it’s cozy cool?
Did your famously misanthropic brother show up for dinner with a plus one and there was no place at the already over-crowded dinner table?
Did your brother-in-law forget to bring the promised dessert?
How did you manage to get that last staggering guest to go home?
How did you handle holiday “forced hugging”?

How are those resolutions going?

Is it O.K. to drop a resolution or two? Having one resolution seems quite enough. First off, I’ve taken my daughter’s advice and now start my day with a new ritual: I drink the juice of one lemon (hopefully organic) in a cup of freshly boiled water to help balance the organs, rid toxins and neutralize any acidity.

My fav word this month is ‘tidy’.

I’m attempting to adopt tidy into my everyday life in the hope of clearing out the clutter. Not just physical clutter like a yellowing copy of the New York Times the day after Obama’s inauguration (Wow, is he handsome!), but mental clutter. Some things cannot be fixed or changed. But you can tidy-up!

2019 Resolutions

To rediscover the difference between what I want and what I need. To have all I need and want all I have.
Eat new foods.
Never forget my shopping bags or list.
Do one thing every day that scares you (me). ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Read two books a month.
Be a better listener and stop interrupting.
Don’t let anyone tuck me into a “forced hug.”
Use “Thank You” more and “Sorry” less.
Be politically more responsible.
Clean up my manners.

Past Failed Resolutions — that I’ve given up on:

Saying that I’ll cook more–I hate the cleaning up.
Saying that I’ll walk more–I hate walking in the cold.
Saying that I’ll make new friends–I don’t pay enough attention to the ones I already have.
Saying that I’ll restart a gym membership–when I hate the smell of gyms.
Saying that I’ll write every day–some days I simple cannot.
Saying that I won’t eat as much chocolate–I love chocolate.

Resolutions I’ve totally given up making:

Get more sleep.
Be a better gardener.
Be more thrifty.
Wast less time on the Internet.
Loose weight.
Entertain more.
Exercise more.
Drink less wine, but better wine.
Eat less chocolate.

Catch us up on your pet peeves and Dos + Don’ts. I bet you’ve got plenty of them, because we do.

In closing, I’ll leave you with these words of Eleanor Roosevelt, once again, “Do one thing every day that scares you!”

–Didi, Newport, RI

~Didi

SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS — BRINGING HOME THE GIRLFRIEND
Creative Etiquette Solutions

SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS — BRINGING HOME THE GIRLFRIEND

Our son is bringing home his girlfriend of three months for Thanksgiving and I’m concerned about how to handle sleeping arrangements. She can stay in the guest room and he can be in his old room, but how do I say this without appearing stuffy? We’ve had no indication as to whether they’ve had sex or not, but we’ve met her once and liked her very much.

They’ll be with us for three nights and we don’t want them to feel that they have to sneak around. On the other hand, we don’t want them to assume that we think that they’re having sex. They are in their early thirties and he’s our only child so we haven’t come across the situation lately.

How do we discuss this with them without appearing judgmental or meddling?

–Fuddy Duddy Parents, Boston

Dear not-so Fuddy Duddy parents, your son and his friend are in their early thirties and he's bringing her home for the holidays. Assume they're having sex, but offer separate rooms -- if you happen to have a spare. Assume he'll leave his bag in his room and she'll keep her's in another room. Leave plenty of space to allow them to have privacy.

When your son comes in the door with his bag, say,"Your room and the guest room are both made up, so you can put the bags in both rooms, if you like." Acknowledging that they both can have private space during the long weekend will show your respect for their relationship. And that you're not necessarily assuming they are having sex.

Take the focus off the sleeping arrangements because they may be as apprehensive about their sleeping in your house as you are.
Don't take her to her room, let your son lead the way.
Tell her to let you know if she needs anything, such as more towels or bottled water.
Don't turn down the beds for them as a way of ordering them which beds to sleep in.
Let your son and his girlfriend choose where they sleep.
Remind them to help themselves to food and beverages.
Once they've settled in, make her comfortable by asking her if she has any food allergies and to be sure to tell you if there is anything she cannot eat.

Especially during the holidays -- when our roles as parents becomes especially stretched and stressed -- focus on making good lasting memories. Relax, light a fire, provide a leisurely breakfast.

Most importantly, be good memory makers, so that they'll wish to come home again.

Happy Holidays from,

~Didi

GENDER BASED JOB DISCRIMINATION
Creative Etiquette Solutions

GENDER BASED JOB DISCRIMINATION

This question about gender based job discrimination may be an ethics question or it may be about etiquette, perhaps you can help me. I’ve applied for a big job that I know I’ll be good at.

Am I under any obligation to give information about my children? Friends, who are also mothers in a similar dilemma and “confessed” to having children, didn’t get the job.

I am totally covered as far as childcare is concerned, but if something did come up and it was discovered that I have children, will it seem that I’ve done something remiss by not having volunteered that information?

–Name Withheld

On the job application there should not have been a question about children or, for that matter, any gender based job discrimnation issue. During a job interview you're not obliged to bring up your parental status. You should not be asked.

Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964: Equal Opportunity, prohibits employment discrimination based on race, color, religion, national origin and sex. Legally, you cannot be penalized for being a mother.

Remember that a man who makes it known that he has children is traditionally paid a higher salary or/and accrues more benefits than a woman in the same job.
Men in the workplace are rewarded for having children, while women doing the same job are penalized.

Keep your parental status private: My best advice is to keep quiet about the kids until after you're weathered and tested. Leave your children's photos in your office desk drawer and on your cellphone. Eventually when you've secured the respect of your colleagues and those you report to, gently let out tidbits of news about your brilliant off-spring. Sorry, that's the way it is.

Should a colleague say, "I didn't know that you had children," nonchalantly respond saying, "I didn't think anyone would be interested."

The biggest mistake in terms of office politics is swearing one or two coworkers to secrecy. Your maternal status shouldn't be a secret per se, as a man wouldn't have had to keep his adorable kids hush-hush, because strutting paternity is considered macho.

It's the gaming system. You're not alone. I know that it doesn't sound fair, but until you're sure of safe footing, you may have to play the game.

Of course, if you're directly asked in a job interview (which is illegal) it may be the first clue that the job really isn't for you.

Check out the company culture at glassdoor.com.

~Didi

I Can’t Get Rid Of My Husband — Divorce
Creative Etiquette Solutions

I Can’t Get Rid Of My Husband — Divorce

My husband and I separated a year ago. I’ve tried many times to persuade him to get a lawyer so we can get a divorce and let bygones be bygones, however, he’s lazy and cheap and can’t seem to find time to deal with our fizzled out marriage. I’ve tried talking to our mutual friends for support, but he doesn’t listen to them either. Help!

–AW, Brooklyn, NY

Do online research to look for how to get a quickie divorce. For instance, Angelina Jolie's divorce lawyer, Laura Wasser, offers quickie online divorces (as well as annulments and separations) starting at a fee as low as $750 at: It's Over Easy -

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~Didi

One Too Many Women — Relationships & Romance
Creative Etiquette Solutions

One Too Many Women — Relationships & Romance

Is it right to fall in love with two ladies at once?

–Oluwapelumi, Kwara, Nigeria

Thank you for asking about loving two women at the same time.

Since I'm not a priest or relationship therapist, my answer to your question about loving two women at once is based on manners and etiquette.

You probably feel like a fool for being romantically in love with two women at the same time, and feeling guilty that you're breaking some kind of rule or taboo.

A lot depends upon which woman you are the most committed to.
If you are married to one, work on that relationship first; don't see the other woman while you're trying to make a decision about the first woman.

Loving two people at the same time must feel overwhelming.

It is perfectly possible that you are capable of loving two women at the same time. Although, eventually you may start running out of energy and resources trying to please two women, and that could affect your health, as well as your bank balance.

Your two relationships may be at two different stages.

The first being a flirtatious infatuation, while the other has reached a more mature level.

Ask yourself:

If the table was turned and one of the women was romantically in love with two men and couldn't decide between two guys, what would you advise her to do?
How do you feel while imagining both of these women kissing other men?
Which woman would you not be willing to share with someone else?
What would you think if you knew one of the women was in love with someone else?
Is it about love or sex?
Are you really torn between two lovers or do you have your ego and love mixed up?

Occasionally, love comes knocking and you find yourself torn between two lovers. Best of luck.

~Didi

I Wanna Hold Your Hand — Romance
Creative Etiquette Solutions

I Wanna Hold Your Hand — Romance

I love seeing other couples holding hands, but I feel self-conscious initiating it myself. My experience is that guys don’t like being seen holding hands. When I’ve brushed my hand against my fiancé’s to signal that I want him to take my hand, he doesn’t respond. He’s just not interested.

I’ve always been into the romance of holding hands. In the car, across the table in a restaurant, walking down the street, at a concert, or watching a movie in bed at night. When I take my fiancé’s hand in mine he tolerates it for a few seconds and withdraws it too quickly. I’m worried my hands are clammy or maybe it makes him think I’m too needy. Which, by the way, I’m not.

–Name Withheld

Talking about romance and hand holding.

Should your fiancé be one of those lucky kids whose parent took him by the hand and walked him to school every day from preschool through third grade, he may feel you're acting too parental -- too maternal.

If he can't handle your clammy hands, think about what else he can't handle?

Hand-holding capability doesn't have to be gauged by a relationship barometer. Holding hands while walking down your street might work for twenty seconds until he realizes it makes him self-conscious.

Try holding hands when you're alone. Carry tissues and wipe your hands first. See how long you can gently hold his hand in a darkened movie theatre. Your fiancé will be less likely to feel paranoid when he knows nobody is watching.
Should he pull away and say he really doesn't like holding hands, wouldn't that be a relief. Then you'd know for sure.
Perhaps you may find he's happier putting his hand on your leg or putting his arm around you.
Tease him about hand-holding being a portable hug.
Many feel intimacy is in the elbow creases, so try linking arms.
Work on finding a symbol of connectivity, your own private love language -- a sweet and small sign of intimacy -- a kiss on the hand, an arm hug,

The Power of Touch

Our brain gives a disproportionate amount of attention to the fingers and hands, as compared to the rest of the body.

The Beatles celebrated the romance of love language singing these lines:

Yeah, I'll tell you something

I think you'll understand

When I say that something

I want to hold your hand

(John Lennon and Paul McCartney).

~Didi

Don’t Let Financial Infidelities Keep You From Marriage
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Don’t Let Financial Infidelities Keep You From Marriage

I love my live-in boyfriend. We’ve been together three years, and he wants to get married, but I’m hesitant because we haven’t worked out the money thing. We really don’t have the money we need to save for our ideal wedding. Not that we have to have fancy champagne and a catered dinner.

How do I get Billy to focus on the fact that we need to talk about money and make plans. We never discuss our finances. Sometimes he has money, sometimes not, but he pays half the rent and utilities. What’s a wannabe bride to do?

–Name Withheld

You don't need to read studies to tell you that the most common problem most couples face is the hesitancy of talking about money. You're certainly not alone, Ms. Wannabe bride, in your wish to take stress out of your relationship by dealing with money more responsibly.

So make a pact. Assure your boyfriend that you're committed to keeping your financial independence, but you'd like it if the two of you would start setting aside money to pay for your debt-free wedding. How much can you reasonably both contribute a month to the wedding pot?

First off, you must have a truthful sit-down discussion about your spending.

"Financial infidelities" are the greatest concerns for most couples. Hiding spending is a relationship breaker.

What are your pet hidden expenditures?
How much of that can you each commit to the wedding pot?
How much of that can you spend on shared experiences such as date nights, vacations and entertaining friends?

Investing in your long term relationship is something to work on together. Try cutting down by spending more time and money on having shared experiences.

When friends and relatives learn your plan, they may even offer to pitch in to help pay for your wedding. Wouldn't that be helpful!

~Didi

Shyness Is Old-Fashioned
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Shyness Is Old-Fashioned

My question is about how to help my girlfriend overcome her painful shyness.

My girl is extremely shy and fears people, she can’t even look me in the eyes but claims to love me so much to the extent of boasting to her friends that I’m hers … Is this normal, and is there a way I can help her boost her confidence??

–SF, Kenya, Africa

Thank you for your question about how to help your girlfriend overcome shyness.

Why not buy her a pair of hoop earrings to show off to her friends. When she wears them she may feel empowered with pride.

More importantly, talk to her. Tell her about your feelings for her.

Say that you want her to look you in the eyes when she speaks to you and to listen with her eyes when you are telling her something. She can break the habit of not making eye contact if you instill in her the fact that eye contact is a powerful way to communicate.

And that when she talks to someone she has strong feelings toward, she should back up her words with eye contact.

Eye contact is a kind of intimacy that develops over time when there is genuine trust on both sides.

My hunch is that she's shy about having sex. You can't assume from anyone's behavior that they are consenting to having sex.

Your girlfriend needs to feel safe about her feelings. Sex is performance based. She may not understand how to talk about sex or how to decide whether to consent or not.
You and she need a more nuanced understanding of consent. Verbal and visual signs are significant indicators. Talk about sex openly.
No subject should be off limits.

~Didi

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