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  • “NEWPORT ETIQUETTE”
  • HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE 2022
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE 2022

There have been so many Holiday Etiquette 2022 concerns–all timely and important: a present that you know is a regift; a gift that costs way too much and how to reciprocate; a gift that is the same as their gift to you last year; what to do if someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them anything? And other uncomfortable situations: What about the guest who clearly has had too much to drink? What about the would-be guest who didn’t receive an invite his friend’s holiday party? To mask or unmask or stay home?

–Didi Lorillard, Newport, RI

Let's start with holiday gifts and party on:
  • What if you know that a certain gift is a regift and you say to yourself, "Why do you think I would want this? People want to be understood, if you don't know what to get someone, go to their Pinterest or Instagram account to find out what interests them: dogs, sailboats, golf, food, books, and start from there. You want the person to know that You get them. Never acknowledge it was a regift. Who Cares? It's OK, you can give it to someone else whom you know will like it:  Reduce, reuse, recycle.
  • Remember: A gift is a gesture. It says Happy Holidays, if you don't want it, pass it along. Respond with gratitude.
  • What do you do when the gift costs way too much, how to respond:  Say, "Thank you!" Don't ever make a big deal out of the fact that it must have cost them a bundle. Gift giving is a ritual. Allow the gift giver that pleasure. It is not about the cost or where they got the gift. Don't feel you have to reciprocate at the same spending level, because they don't expect you to.
  • What to do when the gift is the same as last year, for instance I was given the same purple sweater two years in a row by the same person? It's OK. You don't need to call their attention to the faux pas, to their mistake. Thank them with as much authenticity as you did last year. It's all good. It's not abut the gift. It's about the ritual. If there is a gift receipt, exchange the sweater for a different color or get something you'd rather have instead.
  • What to do when someone gives you a gift and you're caught off guard because you didn't get them anything? What do you say? "Thank you so much," and add at least one reason why you like the gift, and move on. How do you reciprocate? Say, "What I want to give you is an experience. I'd like to take you to lunch (for coffee) or buy you a drink after work, just choose the day."
Uncomfortable Situations
    Everyone takes a different stance on holidays:
  • Some people don't send cards.
  • FOMO: Some people feel left out if they didn't get invited to a Holiday Party they assumed they'd be invited to; it may have been a simple oversight.
    The ongoing debate is not what to wear, but when to gather and when not to gather.
  • Show up at family gathering but consider the weakest in the bunch, the babies, toddlers and the elderly, whose immune systems may be down. If you think you're coming down with something, don't go.
  • It's one thing for the 30s-and-40s-something age groups to gather unmasked, but when it's a gathering of the clan and there will be all ages in attendance mask-up or stay home.
  • We don't know at this point just how bad this Tripledemic will get. This season respiratory sickness from Flu and RSV are breaking records, and Covid is climbing.
  • Covid Fatigue lingers on: The experts say the winter season ahead is uncertain. As there's a lot of winter and holiday gatherings ahead, be smart about when to mask-up and when to stay home.
As for FOMO, the fear of missing out, be grateful for the things you have and savor them.
  • Savor the Holiday Season despite the fact that the economy is wacky.
  • Recycle, Reuse, Regift
  • Kindness always wins
  • Give people your time, give an experience instead of a material gift.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

PEACE, LOVE & JOY

~Didi

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  • COVID PROTOCOL WEDDINGS
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COVID PROTOCOL WEDDINGS
Didi, our question is how do we deal with COVID during our upcoming wedding weekend? We’re in the midst of planning our wedding and I’m a May bride, after a year long postponement because of Covid. We thought Covid was on the wane, but apparently it’s not.
      Last night we were at a dinner party with ten other people and today we were told that one of the guests tested positive for Covid. Not only do we feel badly for this person, but now we’re worrying: What if one (or many) of our wedding guests test positive after our May wedding?
      This Covid isn’t really going away! It’s too late to postpone our wedding again and, of course, there are all the deposits, etc. Please HELP us figure out how to handle this Covid menace.
      Our families are all vaxxed and boosted, but we don’t know about our hundred, or so, wedding guests?

–May Bride & Groom, New England

Dear May bride and groom, thank you for your question about COVID wedding protocol.
      Understandably, you are awfully concerned and we, of course, are hoping you both test negative now after the dinner party. Sadly, this is a major problem for many. You are not alone in your concern.
This is what I want you to do:
  • Two weeks before your wedding send out an email blast to all the guests on your wedding website who accepted your invitation to your wedding with this request under the subject COVID.  "On your phone, please, send a photo of your CDC vaccine card to this number: _____ by such and such date" (before the first date of an event celebrating the wedding couple).
  • Then make it clear that on the day of the first wedding event they are attending (perhaps the welcoming party/rehearsal dinner), all guests have to report to the below address to be tested for COVID before joining the wedding festivities. At that time they will also be asked to show their actual CDC card.
  • Those who test negative will go forward on the guest lists for all the wedding activities. It's awful to have to do this, but in order to protect all of your guests testing negative, obviously, those who test positive won't be admitted. (In other words, they won't find a place card with their name on it.)
I know this sounds harsh, but it's a crazy world out there and there are those who think they'll never get COVID but, truth to tell: COVID is everywhere. You don't want your wedding to be known as the COVID wedding they went to in 2022 -- where even people vaxxed and boosted got COVID.
      As you know, COVID variants keep evolving. The best you can do to ease your worries is to follow the simple safety protection procedures above. It will all be fine, when you both know that you've protected your family and guests to the best of your ability during this brutal pandemic. The rest is up to them -- your guests.
      How do you politely handle the many various attitudes about COVID? You can't assume all your guests will comply. We've all learned a lot over the past two years about masking, testing, tracing and self-isolating, but not even one of the most protected people in the world, the Queen of England, is immune from COVID. As with all good manners, you want to minimize asking too much of your guests. By having clearly stated your concerns, your guests will know your concerns and will honor them.
      I've not included mask wearing here because I think mask wearing should be up to the individual guest. By asking for a texted photo of the guest's CDC card and testing each and every guest under your wedding planner's guidance, you've set protocol for a wedding in the time of COVID.
      Most of all, May Bride and Groom, you've got this! Our recommendations sounds brutal, but COVID is brutal. At least, you won't have photos of masked family and guests -- which would be your only other alternative, and which we would not recommend at this point in time.

~Didi

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Bonjour Didi,

First of all Bonjour!  A conversation never starts in France without saying “Bonjour” first.  A good European Manners Tip.  I have a question for you!

What do you do when an ‘almost’ friend has painted a portrait of your dog and it is the worst painting you have ever seen. To boot, I have a collection of professional painters that have painted my Violette and they are hung in my long entrance hallway. I can’t hang this one. Honestly, not to hurt her feelings what do I do? I’m attaching a photo of my favorite painting of Violette to date.

–Cynthia, Uzès, France

Bonjour Cynthia, About your doggie dilemma. What a sticky situation to be in at the start of a new friendship. Believe it or not, people find themselves in this kind of a muddle more often than you could imagine. Especially with displays of framed photos. This is what you can do. When you know your new artist friend is coming to visit, beforehand, take down one of the paintings hanging in your long hallway and put it away. Replace it with the painting of Violette that you detest. After your new friend has gone home, hide her painting of Violette until her next visit, and rehang the painting that was there originally.
Alternatively, you could have a heart-to-heart conversation with your 'almost' new friend the artist. Ask her if she wouldn't mind spending more time on the painting of your dog. She would probably find it easier - and less time consuming - to simply paint a second painting of Violette. Then you could throw away the first painting.
  • Be sure to first tell your new artist friend exactly what you like about her painting of Violette, before detailing exactly what you don't like.
  • Even if that's a hard conversation to initiate.
Its difficult to be honest and nice at the same time, but if you commissioned the painting, you certainly have the
right to ask her for a better painting. Bonne chance!

~Didi

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QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS
How do we do the social bubble distancing? We’re bored to tears isolating. We love each other and our kids but spending every hour of every day together is too much for too long. We’ve done the Zoomtini with grownup friends and FaceTime a lot with family, but we’ve had enough of screens.
 
How can we spend time safely with friends and extended family? It seems forced and awkward trying to put together a bubble with one or two other families. Our kids’ closest friends have always been other kids they’ve been spending time with commuting in the school bus, playing soccer, lacrosse or pick up basketball. Their friendships, for the most part, didn’t include parents, except for the parents we mainly saw at home games.
 
How do we initiate the suggestion to other families and how do we know who to invite? What happens if it doesn’t work out? Or if they reject our invitation to start a bubble? How can we be sure they follow as rigidly the same social distancing and hygiene rules? How do we safely have a healthy social life again? People say they are being super careful, but are they really?

–Jennie, Brookline, MA

Hi Jennie, thanks for your questions about Quarantine Bubbles Protocol, social bubbles and social pods.
 
The risk of gathering together during the pandemic will change as time goes by. Warm summer weather is here just in time to allow for quarantine bubbles and social pods. 
 
A double bubble is where two households meet outdoors and agree to adhere to social distancing guidelines in order to increase social contact. Having a picnic in a public place or taking turns for pizza in your backyard are a start.  A household picks one other group to socialize with until lockdowns are further relaxed. 
 
The bad news: Close and numerous social interactions with friends may need to be limited until a vaccine is available to all, modeling shows, to eliminated a second peaking of COVID-19. Recent studies in the UK found that under optimistic assumptions, contacts may have to be limited to 5-10 a day outside the home, and if 10% of previous contacts were resumed we would be at risk of a second peak of the virus outbreak.
 
The good news: The prospect of being in a bubble can give your family something to look forward to. Try forming a quarantine bubble consisting of a group of people or families whose members have been safely isolating; people who can eventually begin hanging out with other extremely cautious groups, as long as everyone obeys safety guidelines and agrees to be exclusive. At least that's what many European countries are doing as they begin to ease their lockdowns.
  • For instance, in Belgium, "Two sets of four people make a 'corona bubble' who can visit each other's homes. No one else is allowed into the domestic social circle." Eventually that first bubbles enlarges as trust and caution become the normal.
The trick is to go in light heartedly but with facts, "Hey, do you and your family want to join us in our quarantine bubble?" Then you go into detail about the guidelines your family has been following, including mention of how many times a week you go to the grocery store or/and gym and explain the routines you follow. If they're interested, they'll respond by telling you their routines about ordering groceries online and doing curbside pickups. Then suggest a picnic in a public space to see how everyone behaves. 
 
If it doesn't work, it doesn't work and there will be other people interested in being part of a bubble, with the objective of eventually enlarging the bubble. Make it clear that if it doesn't click, the friendships will peter out and it will be obvious that it's time to find other people.
 
Keep in mind:
  • Social bubbles allow some social contact, while continuing to limit the risk of further Covid-19 transmissions.
  • The goal is to get to level 3 where your household bubble can include people such as close family members, care-givers or someone who needs care.
  • Beware that if the number of deaths does not continue to drop or the average number of people infected for every Covid-19 case increases, people will then not be allowed to use the bubble scheme.
  • Two sets of four people make a "corona bubble," who can visit each others houses but there are no hugs or other physical exchange like kissing.
  • In Northern Island now six people from different households can meet outdoors as long as social distancing is practiced.
  • Your social bubble is the people you live with. With extreme caution you can manage adding to your bubble.
  • Anyone experiencing coronavirus symptoms, or who is at a higher risk, should not be in a bubble, and needs to self-isolate.
As part of your first discussion:
  • When do you go out? For what reason?
  • Do you where a mask?
  • Do you keep 6 feet away from others?
  • When are you communicating with family?
  • What happens if someone in the bubble has symptoms of Covid-19?
  • What questions do you ask others?
  • What is the process for entering a bubble?
  • How would we set up protocol and etiquette?
  • What would be the protocol and etiquette?
Three things every member of the bubble must keep in mind: 
  1. There is the possibility of extending the bubble.
  2. The bubble doesn't have to be forever.
  3. The bubble gives everyone something to look forward to.

~Didi

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MINIMONY WEDDINGS: POSTPONING – WEDDING ETIQUETTE – COVID
Our wedding in October was planned over six months ago. Postponing it for another year seems like dragging a good thing out for the long haul. We had an engagement party at home in Newport over Christmas and people are expecting their save-the-date card so they can make hotel reservations. 
      We’re weighing our options wondering if we should be flexible – as in here’s hoping everything will be opened up – or whittle down the list for a mini-mony, or simply elope when it becomes easier to travel. A destination wedding wouldn’t work because the old people won’t travel, especially now, and we wouldn’t want them to feel left out.
 
Not that you’re a fortune teller, but what would you advise, Ms. Didi?

–Althea and Ben, Washington, DC

Dear Wedding Couple,
      You are not alone in trying to plan your wedding during the Covid pandemic. Who knows when travel and hospitality venues will be opening up. A lot depends upon containment practices and the availability of a vaccine. As of this writing, the end of 2021 is a safe guess.
      We've gone from relatively simple backyard weddings, such as you see in the original 1950 Father Of The Bride movie with Spencer Tracey and Elizabeth Taylor and the 1991 version staring Steven Martin and Diane Keaton, to the 2018 over-the-top Royal wedding between Prince Harry and Megan Markle (that according to the British press cost 45 million US dollars).  It would be interesting to know the stats as to which couples stay together longer; the marriages of those who had small versus those marriage whose weddings were huge, but this question is about you.
      Remember, you can always have a post wedding reception, or sequel wedding, at another time. Even if it is in celebration of a wedding anniversary, and what could be cheerier? 
      What we're seeing now are lots of mini-ceremonies and micro-weddings. A mini-mony is all about the ceremony and includes up to a dozen people including the officiant and the wedding couple, and social distancing is top priority; there may be no celebratory party following the ceremony, and a post wedding reception, or sequel wedding, is a possibility at another time. On the contrary, micro-wedding can include up to fifty people, depending upon the size of the venue and the regulations of the state and town: the ceremony is followed by a celebration and a sequel wedding is not anticipated. Just be sure, in both cases, to keep track of the names and addresses or people who have already sent engagement and/or wedding presents, so that you can include them in any larger celebration that you may eventually host.
      Here are some of the concerns we've been seeing when substantially sizing down your wedding plans:
  • Depending upon the location regulations, a mini-mony, a small ceremony, consists of a total of a dozen participants, and has the possibility of a follow up celebration or sequel wedding at another date.
  • If you already have a wedding website be sure to update it so that you won't have to be answering the same questions over and over from guests. When your wedding is a go, add local hygiene guidelines; suggest they time washing their hands to the chorus of "Marry You" by Bruno Mars.
  • Remember many churches and wedding venue sites may have to integrate tighter restrictions on the number of people in the church or the banquet hall after the restrictions are lifted. Seating may still be limited.
  • Keep in touch with your wedding planner or venue. 
  • Keep up to date on local government developments: state and town.
  • If your wedding insurance policy was taken out before the lockdown and venue closures were put in place, check to see if your policy covers cancellation or rearrangement due to issues relating to travel bans, flight cancellations or government acts, including bans on public or social gatherings or any kind of travel restrictions.
  • Call your wedding insurer to ask about the terms and conditions.
  • If you paid any of the downpayments with a credit card, you could be covered, so check that.
  • Most travel insurance policies cover trips cancelled due to government restrictions, be sure to check your individual plan.
  • Check on your wedding dress as many are made in China and you want to be sure you have time to get it fitted properly whether your wedding is huge or mini. If there is a problem, you can buy wedding dresses on line to try on at home.
  • Hygiene guidelines for your wedding should include asking the venue to have antibacterial soap and disposable paper towels in the restrooms, additionally ask that staff spritz every guest with high quality alcohol-based sanitizers and provide for everyone to wear a mask, except the bride and groom. 
  • Chic gift bags could include additional masks and hand sanitizers. 

Whatever you decide to do,

working it out together

will deepen your love for each other.

 

~Didi

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CONDOLENCES & SYMPATHY ETIQUETTE — SOCIAL DISTANCE — COVID-19
It’s been my normal to send my condolences through a sympathy card, but there are none to be found anywhere with so many of us dying. Online or in the usual places such as CVS or Stop & Shop. For people I was close to, I call or email their nearest surveyor, or who I know the person through.
      Before COVID-19, for my dearest friends and family members I’ll arrive at the surveyor’s door baring bounty and pitch in by doing errands and making phone calls, and try to make myself useful. “What can I do to help? I’ll ask and there is always something even if it’s walking the deceased’s dog or arranging the flowers, but these are not normal times. I’ve had to take pen to paper and find a stamp.
      What words of sympathy can I use to ease the surveyor through their tragic loss in these troubled times?

–Jeremy, Newport

Dear Jeremy, I am sorry for your loss, or losses as the case may be. A new normal, a now normal, a forever normal, indeed, is called for now, today. More than ever your words on paper will be registered and stored in the recipient's heart and mind.
      In offering first words of condolence in the first paragraph--here are examples highlighted--mentioning the deceased by name; as it is most comforting to use the name of the deceased often:
  • I am (Sharon and I are) deeply sorry for your tragic loss. Bob was my best guy friend, I couldn't have had a better friend.
  • It is with a heavy heart that I (George and I) write to send you my (our) deepest sympathy. Charlotte was the kindest, dearest friend and neighbor from that first day when she arrived after we moved in twenty years ago with blueberry muffins, to only last week when she picked up our curbside grocery order.
  • A few warm words to say how sorry I am (we are) for your great loss. Charles had to be one of the wittiest raconteurs I've ever met, always with a friendly smile and an amusing anecdote to start the conversation going.
  • Our whole family is mourning your great loss. It is our great loss, too. Thanksgiving won't be the same without Aunt Susanne, always curious to learn what the kids and their own families were up to and joyfully praising their many accomplishments.
If you can, tell a story about the deceased that illustrates their character, loyalty, sense of humor, honesty, valor, or good disposition. Here's one of mine:
  •  One of my favorite stories about Harry is the time he found a woman's wallet in the ATM entrance to his bank, where he had gone to take out money for the long holiday weekend. It was late on a Friday afternoon after the bank had closed. He ran out looking left and right, but he didn't see anyone in sight. Leaving the wallet where he found it wouldn't have been safe, so Harry took it home and found her name and address on her driver's license, called 411 and was connected to her house phone. The woman was grateful that she had answered the phone because she had been on her way out the door to do an errand without realizing that she didn't have her wallet. Long story short, he left the wallet in a manilla envelope in his porch mailbox, she picked it up while he was out, and two weeks later he received a hand written thank-you note and a gift certificate to her restaurant. They met, they dated, they fell in love.
Start by thinking of a memorable time you spent with the deceased:
  • Alison was an amazing person, full of surprises, and truly one of the most capable, unassuming people I've ever known. Once I took her out on a sailfish, I was at the helm because she had never been on a sailfish and said that she didn't know how to sail. We were curious about a particular cove and our goal was to find it. Once there we had a swim before starting back to the dock in the harbor, but just as we were entering the bay a fierce gust of wind came out of the northeast and swept us out to sea. The sky suddenly became dark as black clouds headed our way and I had a really bad cramp and couldn't move, Alison without saying a word took the helm and the jib and brought us safely back to the dock.
By the way, if you don't have a personal tale to tell you can go right to the final paragraph praising the deceased: 
  • End with words of praise for the deceased. "As a working mother I could have never finished my thesis and kept my job, if it hadn't been for Susanne's support, she was a real friend pitching in when my son was sick and I couldn't miss another day at work, and helping me through postpartum depression and rough patches in my marriage. Susanne was always there for me, never judgmental, though always helping me question my values. I don't know how I could have gotten through the early years of parenting without a true friend, as true as Susanne.
  • Conclude by writing something such as this: Gordon joins me in saying we are (deeply) sorry for you and your family, and hope that you will receive the comfort and strength to bear this tremendous loss.    
A couple of final points:
  • Ideally, a letter of condolence should be hand-written without delay, "to bolster the surveyor for the funeral," which gives a sense of convivial urgency. If you missed the boat, receiving words of sympathy after the funeral are also greatly appreciated. Not that there are funerals these days, but there may be memorial services and burials eventually. Sometimes, I think, those later letters are the hardest to write because they express the deepest sentiments. The writer has taken a lot of time to mourn.
  • A widow or widower would be happy to read a praise of their happy marriage; that you thought their marriage was perfect in it's happiness. An unforgettable happiness that would survive always in your memory, and be an inspiration to you and all who knew the couple. 
  • Be ware: If you're not totally sure of the recipient's religious belief, steer clear of expressing your faith. The condolence letter is not about the writer. The surveyor could become angry and annoyed by any hint of  proselytizing. 
  • In the event that the condolence letter is to a member of the your staff or to the staffer's family, the letter can be printed out on office stationery.
  • Signing off "With dearest love," to someone you you've known for a long time or "Alex joins me in sending our love (to you and your family)," are sincere; or more formally, "Kindest regards," or simply, "Sincerely."
As of this writing on May 4, 2020,
social distance takes precedence
over religious rituals. With good reason.
Never has there been a more important
time to write a letter of condolence.

~Didi

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Our son is home from college where, of course, he was used to being around people his own age all the time, so how do we get him to understand socializing and social distancing etiquette? Yesterday he went over to a friend’s house while he was out walking the dog. My husband pretty much blew a gasket when he found out. Were they passing joints? Were there girls there? Any kissing? Vaping? How many of their other friends were there? Why doesn’t he get it that he can’t just go to someone’s house and hang out? We understand that it was the house of someone he grew up with and they’re both home indefinitely from their respective colleges, but come on – we’re in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic!

We’re so annoyed we can’t think straight. Can you, please, send guidelines for our quite brilliant college student who appears to live in la-la land, or as the kids call it, it’s a corona-cation.

–Kathleen, Middletown, RI

Thank you for sharing your concern about the boundaries of socializing and social distancing! Yikes, that's definitely a tall order question. From the freedom of college to being trapped at home again, these kids are living a nightmare. A loss of innocents. Suddenly they have absolutely no control over their lives. It's easy to see how difficult it must be for them, those who don't remember 9/11 and watching people jump out of windows on the morning news, which many thought would change everything we knew to be sacred--but it didn't. As punishment, and he's too old for a time out, ask him to listen to The Daily, the New York Times Podcast app on his phone, daily. You listen to it on yours and then discuss what you both heard. Or make it a daily family ritual while he's having his breakfast by putting it on speakerphone--whatever it takes. Your whole family will learn some of the facts, for instance, that viruses get viruses. In our state, legally (as of today) there should not be gatherings of more than five people, and we're to keep those gatherings with the same five people.  At the moment, when only 50% are staying home. everyone needs to be compliant. As you know, with every additional social and physical contact your son has, the risk of having an encounter with an infected person goes up. Suggest the following:
  • He minimizes the number of people he interacts with physically.
  • He sticks with one friend who limits their other social contacts, too.
  • If that friend feels sick, he stays away.
  • As long as his friend is well, social contact by going for a bike ride or hike is fine, but they should keep six feet apart.
  • That means NOT sharing finger food, liquids, bodily fluids, or joints, cigarettes, e-cigs or vaps.
As soon as possible, get the baseline temperature reading of every family member. That way when someone seems under the weather, that person's temperature can be monitored closely. That said, what you should know is:
  • The significance of adult and children's temperatures differ.
  • Plus, we all have our own normal temperature baseline, based on weight, gender and activity level; it's helpful to find out what everyone's is, so it's precisely monitored.
  • Normal can be anywhere between 97.7-99.5 degrees Fahrenheit.
  • Fever is likely to be between 99.5 or 100.9 degrees Fahrenheit.
  • Hyperpyrexia would be dangerous at 104.0 or 105.8 degree Fahrenheit.
  • Baseline temperatures vary based on age, sex, physical activity and health, and whether it is taken in the mouth or armpit, which can be lower.
  • To find a person's normal, take the temperature every day at the same time for at least three days, sticking to either mouth or armpit.
The loneliness of social distancing
can be hard to handle.
Discuss the facts and the difference between social and physical distancing.
  • Know the facts, but don't overdo it, too much information can aggravate stress.
  • Put the coronavirus pandemic in perspective.
  • Refrain from blaming and shaming.
  • Ask for help, now is the time to turn toward one another.
  • Encourage him to partake in social distancing in a positive way by calling his friends to actually talk about what's happening in the world around them.
  • Discuss the difference between social and physical distancing, if, in fact, there is a difference. What does he think?
Educate your son and let him find his own boundaries once he understands the guidelines. Corona-cation is no laughing matter and he needs to handled it like an adult.
  • Advice to avoid the coronavirus through social distancing can increase the risk of physical and emotional harm from inadequate social contact.
  • But without physical distancing the virus spreads like falling dominos.
  • Prepare him for when, not if, the coronavirus strikes. 
  • He should know where to find your estate will and your living will; in the event he has to make choices for you.
  • Having a down-to-earth conversation with your son can be both heartrending and heartwarming.
  • Honoring your wishes when you are unable to do so is one of the most loving and bravest things an adult child can do for a parent..
Talk about what we lose when we don't touch?
  • Scientist call our longing for human touch "skin hunger."
  • Physical touch triggers the orbit of frontal cortex in the brain, according to Daniel Keltner, professor of psychology at University of California, Berkley. 
  • Regular touch reduces levels of stress hormones, says Tiffany Field, director of the Touch Research Institute, the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine.
  • Hugging stimulates the thymus gland regulating the body's white blood cell production, which helps fight infection, according to research at the University of North Carolina. 
  • Women who are frequently hugged have lower blood pressure, than those who are not according to research at UNC.
  • People who received regular hugs had fewer flu symptoms than participants who were hugged less frequently in a study at Carnegie Mellon University.
We must keep our physical distance to keep one another safe. Even though in a pandemic the very thing we're biologically programmed to need is also what can harm us most.

~Didi

Read More…

  • COOPED UP — SPACE-SHARING — LEARNING TO LIVE TOGETHER
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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COOPED UP — SPACE-SHARING — LEARNING TO LIVE TOGETHER
My question is about space-sharing etiquette during the Trump Pandemic. We’re cooped up.
 
We’re absolutely housebound in self-imposed lockdown, self-quarantining. Our three kids are home from college; they’re either hibernating in their rooms streaming, or are underfoot. I hear them arguing more than usual; especially when one isn’t taking precautions as thoroughly as he should according to his sibling. “You didn’t wash your hands long enough!” Or, “Stop touching your face.”  Or, “If you cared about our family, you wouldn’t leave your wet tissues lying around for us to pick up. It’s disgusting.”
 
Feminism is down the drain with MY having to organize three meals a day for all of us. Cooped up, we feel as though we’re having to learn to live together after all these years of everybody being mostly out of the house.
 
I find I’m dragged into doing more than my share of the housework, more than I’m sued to, and I’ve become resentful. Or I should say, I’m systematically compelled to do everything. It’s partially my fault, because I’m trying to keep busy working at my job remotely, plus do the added housework and meal planning through the Trump Pandemic. 
 
It’s like I want everything my way, I need to have full control of the running of the house because I can’t control anything outside of my house. But the reality is this: none of us feels in control of our lives. 
 
We need some guidelines about sharing space. I never thought it would be so stressful being confined with the ones that I love most. We have a large enough house, but it’s sometimes irritating being in constant contact with my loved ones.

–Maggie, Newport

Hi Maggie, lovely to hear from you about space-sharing etiquette--despite the circumstances. We're all having to learn how to live together sharing space. Without a doubt it is challenging during these cooped up uncertain times. Nobody feels in control any longer of anything. It's as though the coronavirus is on the loose and nobody can catch it to snuff if out, it's not a scented candle in a jar with a lingering scent you're sick of smelling.
 
Space-Sharing Tips: Dos and Don'ts
  • Limit long periods of social interactions, whether with family or housemates, before the conversation becomes tedious. At the first sign of vibes going downhill--with criticisms, grievances or accusations--simply say, "Let's take a break," and leave the room. Know when to say to yourself, 'no more of this.' Like turning the TV to a different a channel, but this is reality TV.
  • Self-designate work spaces and/or set up a schedule for computer time. Let everyone choose their own workspace or set up a flexible schedule where they can trade workspace time.
  • Combatting the psychological heaviness. In these gloomy uncertain times we're all down-hearted. The ongoing combination of having a sense of foreboding mixed with terror and boredom is difficult to endure. Making it worse is the lack of physical comfort we derive from person-to-person contact.
  • Surprisingly, some anxiety can be productive. It motivates us to wash our hands more often and to distance ourselves from others physically--anxiety gives us an important reason to do so.
  • Even though watching the news can exacerbate anxiety, it's important to get the facts straight. For instance, outbreaks of influenza tend to wan in warmer weather. Wrong, the coronavirus might not ease so easily. Look at Singapore (located in the tropics) and Australia (where it is still summer), which is why summer plans need to stay fluid to avoid further disappointment.  Along with sticking to physical-distancing to avoid person-to-person transmission, which is the only way to slow the spread of the coronavirus.
  • Draw straws as to who chooses what you're watching on the family TV, then if others don't want to watch they can go off and read or stream from their laptops.

Create a rotating chore list:

  1. Wastebasket and garbage patrol and disinfecting the containers.
  2. Emptying the dishwasher, putting away the dishes and refilling it, and disinfecting the kitchen sink and counter.
  3. Washing pots and pans, and cleaning table tops, stove, and counters.
  4. Emptying and loading washer and dryer and folding laundry (if family members are not responsible for washing their own sheets, towels, washcloths, laundry bag and clothing).
  5. Watering house plants.
  6. Walking the dog.
  7. Disinfecting bathrooms.
  8. Vacuuming and mopping floors.
  9. Dusting.
  10. Disinfecting hard surfaces. Including doorknobs, remote controls, phones, fridge handles, faucets and toilet handles, and cabinet pulls.

Beware, a few words of caution about using

99.99% disinfectant with clorox:

  droplets on your clothing while cleaning

with spray will permanently

bleach out into little white spots.

  • Switch it up with chores by rotating the chores, including showing sons and fathers how to use a vacuum cleaner, mop the kitchen floor, and clean a bathroom.
  • Help maintain other people's privacy. Let them carve out a space of their own.
  • Know when you're being annoying and self-correct.
  • Don't press other people's buttons, and who knows how to do that better than siblings?

Respect other people's private space:

  1. Knock on closed doors before entering.
  2. While walking into a room when the door is open, clear your throat or hum--before entering--to signal that you're on your way in, so as not to startle someone deep in concentration.
  • Be considerate of others by thinking about how other people might be feeling. For instance don't leave dirty tissues laying around and clean up after yourself in the bathroom, as well as at the table or after lying on the couch; when you'll want to fluff up the pillows, refold the blanket and put your empty glass in the dishwasher or sink.
  • Nip it in the bud. Any issues that come up should be resolved or diluted by communicating them to everybody as soon as they surface. Otherwise bottled up frustrations, resentments, and grievances will dwell and exacerbate.
  • Show real empathy. Understand that we all deal with stress in our own way and in our own time, so don't let minor quirkiness, idiocrasy, eccentricity and gripes get on your nerves and bring you down.
  • Learn to talk to each other again. Strive for drama-free family dinners; learning to live together--perhaps all over again. It's an opportune time for family members to talk about their aspirations; what they would like to do with their lives after they get out of hibernation.
  • Be social. After dinner, play boardgames, chess, backgammon, pingpong, poker or cards. Make popcorn and watch movie classics on TMC.
  • Check your own emotions. Fear can be contagious. Monitor and manage your own sense of worry.
  • Be a listener. Disappointment and sadness over missing an anticipated event and even fear of the unknown can cause worry and anxiety. Validate emotions whether the emotion is disappointment, fear of the unknown, or something in between.  
  • What can we learn from this? Encourage freedom to express frustration. There is definitely something therapeutic about having a person who is willing to listen to you and hear you out. 
  • Encourage consistency. Keep meals on time. Get bathed and dressed as usual. Keep to a schedule.
  • Lastly, despite rain, wind, and fog, take a walk once a day--even for twenty minutes.
Treat people as you would
like them to treat you.
As parents, we create good, bad and even ugly memories, which, obviously, we don't mean to do. When was the last time you all baked cookies or brownies?
  • Give the gift of listening today.

~Didi

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  • DOUBLE-CHEEK-KISSING and the CORONAVIRUS — POSTPONING A WEDDING
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DOUBLE-CHEEK-KISSING and the CORONAVIRUS — POSTPONING A WEDDING

When I think of weddings the image of double-cheek-kissing in the receiving line comes to mind – but what about the coronvavirus? Do we postpone our daughter’s June wedding because of the coronavirus? If so, how do we go about postponing the wedding? When would we postpone it to? We booked a lovely wedding event space in Newport a year ago, and I dare say our daughter and her fiancé don’t wish to wait another year.

–Parents of the Bride, Brooklyn, MA

Dear Parents of the Bride, you have my heart felt sentiments and I agree that if there is ever a time for double-cheek-kissing it's at a wedding, but the coronavirus is testing many couples hoping to be married this year. Some wedding couples are saying, "Let's not wait," and are being married at City Hall or quietly elsewhere. With many churches closed, they are being creative.
 
Should your daughter and her fiancé opt for that route, they can always have a post-wedding reception down the road.
  • Purportedly, the number of new coronavirus diagnoses will slow down in the warmer months.
  • Have a quiet wedding now.
  • When the coronavirus fatality rate stops growing and, for instance, the state of Rhode Island is no longer in a State of Emergency, you can reset your plans. I know that's painful, but everybody loves a wedding and all those who intended on attending will make a good show.
  • On the upside, if the wedding dress you ordered is being made abroad, there will most likely be a delay in receiving it on time, but with a change of date you'll have it.
     
    Postponing your daughter's wedding would definitely take finagling.
    • Talk to your wedding coordinator and have her or him speak to the events manager where your daughter's wedding is booked about a contingency plan.  Ask for a date later in the year, even if it's in the fall.  Newport is absolutely beautiful then, and  double-cheek-kissing will be all the rage again.
    • Another upside is that the wedding couple can keep guests and family amused and in the loop through their wedding website.  The trick is to lightened up and have fun with the delay.
    • Your guests who received the save-the-date card will be wondering about their hotel and plane reservations, so it is important to act quickly.

    Happy to talk to you further about your

    daughter's upcoming wedding by phone

    or by text at #917-816-0800.

~Didi

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  • POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE & MANNERS: APOLOGIZING
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POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE & MANNERS: APOLOGIZING
Valentine’s Day is a fine time to make an apology to someone you’ve offended, humiliated, or hurt their feelings. You don’t need a box of candy or bouquet of flowers to apologize. A simple text, email or voicemail with do: Please forgive me for not showing up Saturday night.
People who over-apologize can be annoying. 
  • How was the person behind them (me) expecting HIM to hold the door open–when he couldn’t even see me (he didn’t have eyes in the back of his head)–but he apologized for not holding the door open? Really, it’s a bit much.
  • Saying “sorry” that you don’t have the exact change:  why should you–you’re not a bank teller or cashier?
  • Apologizing to the caller who had the wrong number? Give me a break! Mistakes happen when your pad hits the wrong key, but there is no need to say “sorry” to the caller.
It’s quite different, for instance, when you’ve stood up in public at a City Council meeting and unfairly slandered the head of a volunteer commission for doing her job, because you didn’t get your way. That’s the instance when you pick up the phone to apologize to someone who, as it turns out, is your mother-in-law’s second cousin once removed.
In making an apology:
  • Don’t pass the buck. Own up to the mistake, or don’t make the apology.
  • Acknowledge your mistake and briefly explain what you did wrong.
  • The fact that you are taking the time to make an apology will be appreciated.
  • In winding up an apology offer some kind or recompense. Such as:

To the person whose reputation you smeared, tell that person that you will write a letter to the editor of the local paper admitting your error.

To the person you stood up Saturday night, suggest another meeting: “Let’s have a drink after work.”

We especially like these two cards as a way of apologizing: This first Dempsey and Carroll card that says on the front:  regrets his behavior at, which let’s you fill in (Jack regrets his behavior at your holiday party), as a way of showing that you’ve taken the time to acknowledge that you’ve misbehaved or/and hurt their feelings.
This free card here is randomly off the Internet:

–XX00

~Didi

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