Tricky Conversations Archives

COVID PROTOCOL WEDDINGS
Creative Etiquette Solutions

COVID PROTOCOL WEDDINGS

Didi, our question is how do we deal with COVID during our upcoming wedding weekend? We’re in the midst of planning our wedding and I’m a May bride, after a year long postponement because of Covid. We thought Covid was on the wane, but apparently it’s not.

Last night we were at a dinner party with ten other people and today we were told that one of the guests tested positive for Covid. Not only do we feel badly for this person, but now we’re worrying: What if one (or many) of our wedding guests test positive after our May wedding?

This Covid isn’t really going away! It’s too late to postpone our wedding again and, of course, there are all the deposits, etc. Please HELP us figure out how to handle this Covid menace.

Our families are all vaxxed and boosted, but we don’t know about our hundred, or so, wedding guests?

–May Bride & Groom, New England

Dear May bride and groom, thank you for your question about COVID wedding protocol.

Understandably, you are awfully concerned and we, of course, are hoping you both test negative now after the dinner party. Sadly, this is a major problem for many. You are not alone in your concern.

This is what I want you to do:

Two weeks before your wedding send out an email blast to all the guests on your wedding website who accepted your invitation to your wedding with this request under the subject COVID. "On your phone, please, send a photo of your CDC vaccine card to this number: _____ by such and such date" (before the first date of an event celebrating the wedding couple).
Then make it clear that on the day of the first wedding event they are attending (perhaps the welcoming party/rehearsal dinner), all guests have to report to the below address to be tested for COVID before joining the wedding festivities. At that time they will also be asked to show their actual CDC card.
Those who test negative will go forward on the guest lists for all the wedding activities. It's awful to have to do this, but in order to protect all of your guests testing negative, obviously, those who test positive won't be admitted. (In other words, they won't find a place card with their name on it.)

I know this sounds harsh, but it's a crazy world out there and there are those who think they'll never get COVID but, truth to tell: COVID is everywhere. You don't want your wedding to be known as the COVID wedding they went to in 2022 -- where even people vaxxed and boosted got COVID.

As you know, COVID variants keep evolving. The best you can do to ease your worries is to follow the simple safety protection procedures above. It will all be fine, when you both know that you've protected your family and guests to the best of your ability during this brutal pandemic. The rest is up to them -- your guests.

How do you politely handle the many various attitudes about COVID? You can't assume all your guests will comply. We've all learned a lot over the past two years about masking, testing, tracing and self-isolating, but not even one of the most protected people in the world, the Queen of England, is immune from COVID. As with all good manners, you want to minimize asking too much of your guests. By having clearly stated your concerns, your guests will know your concerns and will honor them.

I've not included mask wearing here because I think mask wearing should be up to the individual guest. By asking for a texted photo of the guest's CDC card and testing each and every guest under your wedding planner's guidance, you've set protocol for a wedding in the time of COVID.

Most of all, May Bride and Groom, you've got this! Our recommendations sounds brutal, but COVID is brutal. At least, you won't have photos of masked family and guests -- which would be your only other alternative, and which we would not recommend at this point in time.

~Didi

QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS
Creative Etiquette Solutions

QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS

How do we do the social bubble distancing? We’re bored to tears isolating. We love each other and our kids but spending every hour of every day together is too much for too long. We’ve done the Zoomtini with grownup friends and FaceTime a lot with family, but we’ve had enough of screens.

How can we spend time safely with friends and extended family? It seems forced and awkward trying to put together a bubble with one or two other families. Our kids’ closest friends have always been other kids they’ve been spending time with commuting in the school bus, playing soccer, lacrosse or pick up basketball. Their friendships, for the most part, didn’t include parents, except for the parents we mainly saw at home games.

How do we initiate the suggestion to other families and how do we know who to invite? What happens if it doesn’t work out? Or if they reject our invitation to start a bubble? How can we be sure they follow as rigidly the same social distancing and hygiene rules? How do we safely have a healthy social life again? People say they are being super careful, but are they really?

–Jennie, Brookline, MA

Hi Jennie, thanks for your questions about Quarantine Bubbles Protocol, social bubbles and social pods.

The risk of gathering together during the pandemic will change as time goes by. Warm summer weather is here just in time to allow for quarantine bubbles and social pods.

A double bubble is where two households meet outdoors and agree to adhere to social distancing guidelines in order to increase social contact. Having a picnic in a public place or taking turns for pizza in your backyard are a start. A household picks one other group to socialize with until lockdowns are further relaxed.

The bad news: Close and numerous social interactions with friends may need to be limited until a vaccine is available to all, modeling shows, to eliminated a second peaking of COVID-19. Recent studies in the UK found that under optimistic assumptions, contacts may have to be limited to 5-10 a day outside the home, and if 10% of previous contacts were resumed we would be at risk of a second peak of the virus outbreak.

The good news: The prospect of being in a bubble can give your family something to look forward to. Try forming a quarantine bubble consisting of a group of people or families whose members have been safely isolating; people who can eventually begin hanging out with other extremely cautious groups, as long as everyone obeys safety guidelines and agrees to be exclusive. At least that's what many European countries are doing as they begin to ease their lockdowns.

For instance, in Belgium, "Two sets of four people make a 'corona bubble' who can visit each other's homes. No one else is allowed into the domestic social circle." Eventually that first bubbles enlarges as trust and caution become the normal.

The trick is to go in light heartedly but with facts, "Hey, do you and your family want to join us in our quarantine bubble?" Then you go into detail about the guidelines your family has been following, including mention of how many times a week you go to the grocery store or/and gym and explain the routines you follow. If they're interested, they'll respond by telling you their routines about ordering groceries online and doing curbside pickups. Then suggest a picnic in a public space to see how everyone behaves.

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work and there will be other people interested in being part of a bubble, with the objective of eventually enlarging the bubble. Make it clear that if it doesn't click, the friendships will peter out and it will be obvious that it's time to find other people.

Keep in mind:

Social bubbles allow some social contact, while continuing to limit the risk of further Covid-19 transmissions.
The goal is to get to level 3 where your household bubble can include people such as close family members, care-givers or someone who needs care.
Beware that if the number of deaths does not continue to drop or the average number of people infected for every Covid-19 case increases, people will then not be allowed to use the bubble scheme.
Two sets of four people make a "corona bubble," who can visit each others houses but there are no hugs or other physical exchange like kissing.
In Northern Island now six people from different households can meet outdoors as long as social distancing is practiced.
Your social bubble is the people you live with. With extreme caution you can manage adding to your bubble.
Anyone experiencing coronavirus symptoms, or who is at a higher risk, should not be in a bubble, and needs to self-isolate.

As part of your first discussion:

When do you go out? For what reason?
Do you where a mask?
Do you keep 6 feet away from others?
When are you communicating with family?
What happens if someone in the bubble has symptoms of Covid-19?
What questions do you ask others?
What is the process for entering a bubble?
How would we set up protocol and etiquette?
What would be the protocol and etiquette?

Three things every member of the bubble must keep in mind:

There is the possibility of extending the bubble.
The bubble doesn't have to be forever.
The bubble gives everyone something to look forward to.

~Didi

POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE & MANNERS: APOLOGIZING
Creative Etiquette Solutions

POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE & MANNERS: APOLOGIZING

Valentine’s Day is a fine time to make an apology to someone you’ve offended, humiliated, or hurt their feelings. You don’t need a box of candy or bouquet of flowers to apologize. A simple text, email or voicemail with do: Please forgive me for not showing up Saturday night.

People who over-apologize can be annoying.

How was the person behind them (me) expecting HIM to hold the door open–when he couldn’t even see me (he didn’t have eyes in the back of his head)–but he apologized for not holding the door open? Really, it’s a bit much.
Saying “sorry” that you don’t have the exact change: why should you–you’re not a bank teller or cashier?
Apologizing to the caller who had the wrong number? Give me a break! Mistakes happen when your pad hits the wrong key, but there is no need to say “sorry” to the caller.

It’s quite different, for instance, when you’ve stood up in public at a City Council meeting and unfairly slandered the head of a volunteer commission for doing her job, because you didn’t get your way. That’s the instance when you pick up the phone to apologize to someone who, as it turns out, is your mother-in-law’s second cousin once removed.

In making an apology:

Don’t pass the buck. Own up to the mistake, or don’t make the apology.
Acknowledge your mistake and briefly explain what you did wrong.
The fact that you are taking the time to make an apology will be appreciated.
In winding up an apology offer some kind or recompense. Such as:

To the person whose reputation you smeared, tell that person that you will write a letter to the editor of the local paper admitting your error.

To the person you stood up Saturday night, suggest another meeting: “Let’s have a drink after work.”

We especially like these two cards as a way of apologizing: This first Dempsey and Carroll card that says on the front: regrets his behavior at, which let’s you fill in (Jack regrets his behavior at your holiday party), as a way of showing that you’ve taken the time to acknowledge that you’ve misbehaved or/and hurt their feelings.

This free card here is randomly off the Internet:

–XX00

~Didi

POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE & MANNERS: GHOSTING
Creative Etiquette Solutions

POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE & MANNERS: GHOSTING

My question is about the etiquette + manners of ghosting. She ghosted me and I want to know why?

After meeting on social media and messaging for months followed by months of dating, she’s disappeared. It’s like I can’t believe it. Over the past six months I fell hard.

I was actually worried that something terrible had happened to her. How was I to know she wasn’t still alive? So, of course, I started stalking her on social media. What I was looking for was evidence that she was 1.) still alive and functioning, 2.) she was seeing someone else. I almost wished that she wasn’t still alive, because it would be less painful and I could mourn her.

But there were no tributes to her posted by family and friends. Her posts were the same as always about fashion and friends. Friends, whom I thought were becoming my friend as well. Although, I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking to meet any of those friends for drinks to find out why she was ghosting me.

Why? I am supposed to be an upright, secure professional; smart enough to figure out matters of the heart and win her back without enlisting outside help.

Looking back at previous relationships, it seems I’ve been the one to break it off; either because I was going away to college, relocating to another city or simply wasn’t into drinking every night. In that case, I told her that she had a problem and that if she didn’t control her drinking, I couldn’t be with her anymore. Ultimately, it was her choice, she couldn’t face the fact that she was a drunk.

As far as I could see, there was nothing wrong with my current ex or with our relationship. Not a clue of another boyfriend or that she didn’t like being with me and the sex was outrageous. When she stopped returning messages, I asked her why she wasn’t replying and to tell me what was wrong. In the past, she always replied quickly. Now, nothing.

I tried to get her to meet me, and I almost waited for her outside of work, but decided that ambushing her would put her in an uncomfortable position; especially if someone was with her. I’m not going to spy on her.

Even if she messaged me, “it’s not you, it’s me” the blow would be softened. Or if she said, “I’m really busy,” but of course I would be able to see that she wasn’t too busy to be posting on Instagram.

What should I do? Last month I bought her pearl earrings she admired for Valentine’s Day, which I should probably return.

–Jack, Brooklyn, NY

Hello Jack, Come what may, whether ghosting is a human issue or a technological one, return the pearl earrings. You can't mourn your ex-girlfriend, because she is still alive. Accept that ghosting is a ghastly dating trend and go back on the dating app and ask trusted friends to set you up. Unless she's blocked you, she'll see that you're dating again. As a last resort, simply delete your dating apps. GHOSTING (also called SUBMARINING) is a dangerous, hurtful game. Ceasing contact without so much as an "it's me, not you," is rude. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Welcome to being one of the 80%+ of millennials that admit to being ghosted.

Investigate new features, such as from Hinge, that send the message "Your Turn" as a follow-up to all messages sent. Some give fair warning: "NO GHOSTING ON BUMBLE." Use apps that encourage feedback from the recipient.

Looking for an addictive dopamine hit? We get the game being played on social media. Under the guise of introducing you to a potential mate, they keep you coming back for a fix--a dozen, two dozen more swipes. Apps that gamily search for love--sometimes in all the wrong places--that is nothing more than monogamous romance, through instant gratification of having a possible match pop up with a swipe! Is she the one?

Some see the rise in ghosting as an intrinsically technology-driven problem.
Some blame the childlike behavior (as in the childish word 'ghosting') on the narcissist who doesn't respect the rules of the game and consequently hurts other people's feelings again and again.
Others blame the game on the anonymity offered by a screen, the sense that the world is their oyster and swiping is their knife to finding the right match--after opening the oyster to find the perfect pearl they can do anything they want.
In that vein, bad behavior becomes bad manners and etiquette.

One of the first things we strive to teach children is to be sensitive to other people's feelings. Your ex-girlfriend didn't get that important lesson. Not all oysters produce pearls. Return the pearls.

~Didi

Very January
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Very January

A ‘very January’ time of year to you too! Love you all! A special huge, huge thanks to the many well-wishers and subscribers. I missed writing to you every day and now I’m back and wondering how you’re doing so far in 2019?

How are you? What holdover from the holidays is bugging you? How are you doing on those bloody resolutions?

Holiday Leftover Peeves

What’s still ticking you off about the holidays? Did you invite a guest to your holiday party who antagonized your friends with his pro-Trump rhetoric followed by rants about Obama’s birth certificate and “fake Hillary”? And you’re still apologizing to your friends that he offended?

Did your dog attack the holiday ham just as your guests were arriving?
Do you feel you have to write thank-notes to holiday party guests who brought you a hostess gift?
Did you receive a spectacular present from a colleague you didn’t give a present to, and how did you react?
Are you annoyed at our ‘forced hugging culture’ where everyone feels they have to give-a-hug-to-get-a-hug? Or do you think it’s cozy cool?
Did your famously misanthropic brother show up for dinner with a plus one and there was no place at the already over-crowded dinner table?
Did your brother-in-law forget to bring the promised dessert?
How did you manage to get that last staggering guest to go home?
How did you handle holiday “forced hugging”?

How are those resolutions going?

Is it O.K. to drop a resolution or two? Having one resolution seems quite enough. First off, I’ve taken my daughter’s advice and now start my day with a new ritual: I drink the juice of one lemon (hopefully organic) in a cup of freshly boiled water to help balance the organs, rid toxins and neutralize any acidity.

My fav word this month is ‘tidy’.

I’m attempting to adopt tidy into my everyday life in the hope of clearing out the clutter. Not just physical clutter like a yellowing copy of the New York Times the day after Obama’s inauguration (Wow, is he handsome!), but mental clutter. Some things cannot be fixed or changed. But you can tidy-up!

2019 Resolutions

To rediscover the difference between what I want and what I need. To have all I need and want all I have.
Eat new foods.
Never forget my shopping bags or list.
Do one thing every day that scares you (me). ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Read two books a month.
Be a better listener and stop interrupting.
Don’t let anyone tuck me into a “forced hug.”
Use “Thank You” more and “Sorry” less.
Be politically more responsible.
Clean up my manners.

Past Failed Resolutions — that I’ve given up on:

Saying that I’ll cook more–I hate the cleaning up.
Saying that I’ll walk more–I hate walking in the cold.
Saying that I’ll make new friends–I don’t pay enough attention to the ones I already have.
Saying that I’ll restart a gym membership–when I hate the smell of gyms.
Saying that I’ll write every day–some days I simple cannot.
Saying that I won’t eat as much chocolate–I love chocolate.

Resolutions I’ve totally given up making:

Get more sleep.
Be a better gardener.
Be more thrifty.
Wast less time on the Internet.
Loose weight.
Entertain more.
Exercise more.
Drink less wine, but better wine.
Eat less chocolate.

Catch us up on your pet peeves and Dos + Don’ts. I bet you’ve got plenty of them, because we do.

In closing, I’ll leave you with these words of Eleanor Roosevelt, once again, “Do one thing every day that scares you!”

–Didi, Newport, RI

~Didi

SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS — BRINGING HOME THE GIRLFRIEND
Creative Etiquette Solutions

SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS — BRINGING HOME THE GIRLFRIEND

Our son is bringing home his girlfriend of three months for Thanksgiving and I’m concerned about how to handle sleeping arrangements. She can stay in the guest room and he can be in his old room, but how do I say this without appearing stuffy? We’ve had no indication as to whether they’ve had sex or not, but we’ve met her once and liked her very much.

They’ll be with us for three nights and we don’t want them to feel that they have to sneak around. On the other hand, we don’t want them to assume that we think that they’re having sex. They are in their early thirties and he’s our only child so we haven’t come across the situation lately.

How do we discuss this with them without appearing judgmental or meddling?

–Fuddy Duddy Parents, Boston

Dear not-so Fuddy Duddy parents, your son and his friend are in their early thirties and he's bringing her home for the holidays. Assume they're having sex, but offer separate rooms -- if you happen to have a spare. Assume he'll leave his bag in his room and she'll keep her's in another room. Leave plenty of space to allow them to have privacy.

When your son comes in the door with his bag, say,"Your room and the guest room are both made up, so you can put the bags in both rooms, if you like." Acknowledging that they both can have private space during the long weekend will show your respect for their relationship. And that you're not necessarily assuming they are having sex.

Take the focus off the sleeping arrangements because they may be as apprehensive about their sleeping in your house as you are.
Don't take her to her room, let your son lead the way.
Tell her to let you know if she needs anything, such as more towels or bottled water.
Don't turn down the beds for them as a way of ordering them which beds to sleep in.
Let your son and his girlfriend choose where they sleep.
Remind them to help themselves to food and beverages.
Once they've settled in, make her comfortable by asking her if she has any food allergies and to be sure to tell you if there is anything she cannot eat.

Especially during the holidays -- when our roles as parents becomes especially stretched and stressed -- focus on making good lasting memories. Relax, light a fire, provide a leisurely breakfast.

Most importantly, be good memory makers, so that they'll wish to come home again.

Happy Holidays from,

~Didi

GENDER BASED JOB DISCRIMINATION
Creative Etiquette Solutions

GENDER BASED JOB DISCRIMINATION

This question about gender based job discrimination may be an ethics question or it may be about etiquette, perhaps you can help me. I’ve applied for a big job that I know I’ll be good at.

Am I under any obligation to give information about my children? Friends, who are also mothers in a similar dilemma and “confessed” to having children, didn’t get the job.

I am totally covered as far as childcare is concerned, but if something did come up and it was discovered that I have children, will it seem that I’ve done something remiss by not having volunteered that information?

–Name Withheld

On the job application there should not have been a question about children or, for that matter, any gender based job discrimnation issue. During a job interview you're not obliged to bring up your parental status. You should not be asked.

Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964: Equal Opportunity, prohibits employment discrimination based on race, color, religion, national origin and sex. Legally, you cannot be penalized for being a mother.

Remember that a man who makes it known that he has children is traditionally paid a higher salary or/and accrues more benefits than a woman in the same job.
Men in the workplace are rewarded for having children, while women doing the same job are penalized.

Keep your parental status private: My best advice is to keep quiet about the kids until after you're weathered and tested. Leave your children's photos in your office desk drawer and on your cellphone. Eventually when you've secured the respect of your colleagues and those you report to, gently let out tidbits of news about your brilliant off-spring. Sorry, that's the way it is.

Should a colleague say, "I didn't know that you had children," nonchalantly respond saying, "I didn't think anyone would be interested."

The biggest mistake in terms of office politics is swearing one or two coworkers to secrecy. Your maternal status shouldn't be a secret per se, as a man wouldn't have had to keep his adorable kids hush-hush, because strutting paternity is considered macho.

It's the gaming system. You're not alone. I know that it doesn't sound fair, but until you're sure of safe footing, you may have to play the game.

Of course, if you're directly asked in a job interview (which is illegal) it may be the first clue that the job really isn't for you.

Check out the company culture at glassdoor.com.

~Didi

I Wanna Hold Your Hand — Romance
Creative Etiquette Solutions

I Wanna Hold Your Hand — Romance

I love seeing other couples holding hands, but I feel self-conscious initiating it myself. My experience is that guys don’t like being seen holding hands. When I’ve brushed my hand against my fiancé’s to signal that I want him to take my hand, he doesn’t respond. He’s just not interested.

I’ve always been into the romance of holding hands. In the car, across the table in a restaurant, walking down the street, at a concert, or watching a movie in bed at night. When I take my fiancé’s hand in mine he tolerates it for a few seconds and withdraws it too quickly. I’m worried my hands are clammy or maybe it makes him think I’m too needy. Which, by the way, I’m not.

–Name Withheld

Talking about romance and hand holding.

Should your fiancé be one of those lucky kids whose parent took him by the hand and walked him to school every day from preschool through third grade, he may feel you're acting too parental -- too maternal.

If he can't handle your clammy hands, think about what else he can't handle?

Hand-holding capability doesn't have to be gauged by a relationship barometer. Holding hands while walking down your street might work for twenty seconds until he realizes it makes him self-conscious.

Try holding hands when you're alone. Carry tissues and wipe your hands first. See how long you can gently hold his hand in a darkened movie theatre. Your fiancé will be less likely to feel paranoid when he knows nobody is watching.
Should he pull away and say he really doesn't like holding hands, wouldn't that be a relief. Then you'd know for sure.
Perhaps you may find he's happier putting his hand on your leg or putting his arm around you.
Tease him about hand-holding being a portable hug.
Many feel intimacy is in the elbow creases, so try linking arms.
Work on finding a symbol of connectivity, your own private love language -- a sweet and small sign of intimacy -- a kiss on the hand, an arm hug,

The Power of Touch

Our brain gives a disproportionate amount of attention to the fingers and hands, as compared to the rest of the body.

The Beatles celebrated the romance of love language singing these lines:

Yeah, I'll tell you something

I think you'll understand

When I say that something

I want to hold your hand

(John Lennon and Paul McCartney).

~Didi

Don’t Let Financial Infidelities Keep You From Marriage
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Don’t Let Financial Infidelities Keep You From Marriage

I love my live-in boyfriend. We’ve been together three years, and he wants to get married, but I’m hesitant because we haven’t worked out the money thing. We really don’t have the money we need to save for our ideal wedding. Not that we have to have fancy champagne and a catered dinner.

How do I get Billy to focus on the fact that we need to talk about money and make plans. We never discuss our finances. Sometimes he has money, sometimes not, but he pays half the rent and utilities. What’s a wannabe bride to do?

–Name Withheld

You don't need to read studies to tell you that the most common problem most couples face is the hesitancy of talking about money. You're certainly not alone, Ms. Wannabe bride, in your wish to take stress out of your relationship by dealing with money more responsibly.

So make a pact. Assure your boyfriend that you're committed to keeping your financial independence, but you'd like it if the two of you would start setting aside money to pay for your debt-free wedding. How much can you reasonably both contribute a month to the wedding pot?

First off, you must have a truthful sit-down discussion about your spending.

"Financial infidelities" are the greatest concerns for most couples. Hiding spending is a relationship breaker.

What are your pet hidden expenditures?
How much of that can you each commit to the wedding pot?
How much of that can you spend on shared experiences such as date nights, vacations and entertaining friends?

Investing in your long term relationship is something to work on together. Try cutting down by spending more time and money on having shared experiences.

When friends and relatives learn your plan, they may even offer to pitch in to help pay for your wedding. Wouldn't that be helpful!

~Didi

Shyness Is Old-Fashioned
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Shyness Is Old-Fashioned

My question is about how to help my girlfriend overcome her painful shyness.

My girl is extremely shy and fears people, she can’t even look me in the eyes but claims to love me so much to the extent of boasting to her friends that I’m hers … Is this normal, and is there a way I can help her boost her confidence??

–SF, Kenya, Africa

Thank you for your question about how to help your girlfriend overcome shyness.

Why not buy her a pair of hoop earrings to show off to her friends. When she wears them she may feel empowered with pride.

More importantly, talk to her. Tell her about your feelings for her.

Say that you want her to look you in the eyes when she speaks to you and to listen with her eyes when you are telling her something. She can break the habit of not making eye contact if you instill in her the fact that eye contact is a powerful way to communicate.

And that when she talks to someone she has strong feelings toward, she should back up her words with eye contact.

Eye contact is a kind of intimacy that develops over time when there is genuine trust on both sides.

My hunch is that she's shy about having sex. You can't assume from anyone's behavior that they are consenting to having sex.

Your girlfriend needs to feel safe about her feelings. Sex is performance based. She may not understand how to talk about sex or how to decide whether to consent or not.
You and she need a more nuanced understanding of consent. Verbal and visual signs are significant indicators. Talk about sex openly.
No subject should be off limits.

~Didi

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