Tricky Conversations Archives - Page 2 of 11

Midnight Toker — Smoking Kills
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Midnight Toker — Smoking Kills

What can we do about our new neighbors who smoke? By the way, don’t they know smoking kills. They’re night birds that smoke out on our adjacent balconies late into the night! We can’t open our windows without smelling tobacco smoke.

–TY, West Pam Beach, FL

Smoking kills. That should be your point.

Invite the new neighbors for coffee or a drink. Over the course of twenty minutes let them know how you feel about smoking.

If they fully understand how disappointed you are at having their new neighbors' tobacco smoke drifting into your bedroom, they may start smoking inside with the air conditioners blasting.

If window in the conversation opens up, tell them that:

On average, smoking kills 1,200 smokers every day.
Every year, more people die from smoking than murder, AIDS, suicide, drugs, car accidents, and alcohol combined.
Smoking causes heart disease, emphysema, acute myeloid leukemia, and cancer of the mouth, esophagus, larynx, lung, stomach, kidney, bladder, and pancreas.
Smoking also causes reduced fertility, low birthweight in newborns, and cancer of the cervix.

~Didi

The Unwanted Guest Who Comes for Thanksgiving Every Year
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Unwanted Guest Who Comes for Thanksgiving Every Year

We always try to invite friends for Thanksgiving whom we assume don’t have any place to go. For 15 years we’ve entertained a some-what friend for Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to make anybody happy. Neither of my children, nor grandchildren like him and he’s not kind to them.

When he called to ask what time he should arrive for dinner on Thanksgiving I was caught off guard and didn’t know what to say.

Put on the spot like that, I said, four o’clock.

We dread having him around, but we’ve gotten to be his go-to family for Thanksgiving.

How do I break this obligation?

–DC, Salem, MA

Call your friend immediately to say that "something's come up" and you've "had a change in plans" this Thanksgiving.

Add, "You can't come this year." And leave it at that.
You've had a change in plans: Being that you've made the decision that you don't want him at your Thanksgiving dinner because he makes your family uncomfortable.

I know, it sounds cruel but why would he want to be at a place where he is not wholeheartedly welcomed.

He'll feel the tension.

Those disapproving vibes from your family.

He'll know you really rather wish he hadn't put you on the spot like that by him asking you what time he is expected for Thanksgiving this year.

Take a break. Early next fall, you can revisit that narrative of the man who used to come to Thanksgiving dinner.

You might even find that you miss the grumpy old guest.

~Didi

Seven Great Tips for Gracefully Saying NO
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Seven Great Tips for Gracefully Saying NO

My question is about how to go about saying NO nicely.

I very much want to be a good citizen, good friend and help people out, but there are times when I really want to say NO, but end up resenting having said YES.

My friend asked me to spend a day helping her pack and move. Recently separated, she is moving into a smaller place. She assumes that because I work from home I can take off for a day and work for her for free.

I told her I would think about it and get back with my answer.

It may not sound like a huge commitment, but it means that I would have the back-aching chore of taking out two car seats (then fastening them back in again the next morning) and laying the seats flat in my SUV for her stuff that I’m packing.

Also, I would have to pay a sitter to pick up my kids from school, walk them home, and stay with them for an undetermined period of time until I get home!

Please let me know what I should do as soon as possible.

–Name withheld, Bangor, ME

In regard to your question about how to go about saying NO to a friend.

When a person hesitates with hems and haws, catch that as a NO.

Here's hoping your friend got the hint when you put her off by stalling your answer. Stalling means MAYBE. MAYBE usually means NO. Phone her to say, "That day doesn't work for me."

Saying NO:

Don't make detailed excuses.
Don't lie, you could get caught.
Don't feel guilty about saying NO.
Don't give mixed messages such as, "I should be working, but I want to be helpful."

When one NO is not enough, repeat the same answer: "That day doesn't work for me."

If she changes the day, be truthful, "I can't take a day off from my work."

Support in a different way:

Give her a firm NO answer within a day.
Be honest, say you have to work and suggest someone else who might be able to help her move. Look for 'Guy with Big Truck' ads in your local paper and give her the phone number.
If she says she can't afford to pay for help, offer to give her the cost of having you hire a sitter to mind your kids -- if you had said YES.

Stick to your own priorities. When saying NO, say it fast, be brief when explaining why you're saying NO, and offer support in a different way.

~Didi

Battling The Opioid Crisis One Good Friend At A Time
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Battling The Opioid Crisis One Good Friend At A Time

My question concerns the opioid crisis.

What to say when your good friend nearly overdosed on opioids? After a ski accident three years ago, from which his back hasn’t been without pain since, he became addicted to painkillers. He is a coworker and we find ourselves at work covering for him most days, in one way or another.

–GL, Boston, MA

I'm sorry your good friend is addicted to opioids. That must be tough on your friendship, especially since you work together and see him practically on a daily basis. Try to get support from a colleague, because you shouldn't be dealing with this alone.

In answer to your question: It isn't just about what you say to the person, because most addicts have convinced themselves that "once a junkie, always a junkie."

They'll tell you themselves exactly what recovering alcoholics say, "One is too many, and a thousand aren't enough."

Remember, nobody wants their life to be controlled by an addiction. Too easily, taking two pain killers every six hours progresses to taking three every four hours.

But what you can do is to help your friend visualize the larger picture by stating pertinent facts:

We are facing a national opioid problem of epidemic proportion with over 64,000 overdoses last year - up over 25% from 2015.

GL, be his buddy and talk to him with virtual reality:

What he should know is that a recent study found that almost twelve percent of patients who took opioids for chronic pain became addicted, so he should look at other methods of dealing with his chronic pain to find out how other opioid addicts figured out how to safely handle continual physical suffering.
He needs to follow a plan and think about safety first and detoxification, then abstinence.
His focus should be on his cognitive process and questioning his "thinking errors," because opioid addiction is a known cause of brain disease.

Suggest that he looks into alternatives - perhaps after a psychological intervention - such as biofeedback, stress management, yoga, and relaxation training.

Keep on bringing up the subject of his figuring out how to get well.

Don't give up on him. Talk to him and don't let him blow you off when you ask him how he's doing.
Remind him that he's not alone.

Everyone has something that they are dealing with which they have to figure out how to handle.

Here's a link to an excellent Washington Post article on the opioid crisis: http://wapo.st/2nNkEHh?tid=ss_mail&utm_term=c152f8223db4

~Didi

What To Say When Asked To Sign A Prenup
Creative Etiquette Solutions

What To Say When Asked To Sign A Prenup

My question is about the etiquette of the prenup.

My future wife seems to think that we have to have some kind of a prenuptial agreement in place before our wedding.

Does getting a prenup mean that my fiancée doesn’t trust me? I’m not feeling the love.

The whole prenup issue seems pretty ridiculous.

How do I convince her that it’s not necessary?

She says that her parents had a prenup and so do her married sister and brother.

–The Groom, Atlanta, GA

Prenuptial agreements are not just for Pop Divas and CEOs and they don't have to be drawn up to kill the romance.

So get those two notions out of your head.

Prenups are fairly common, and as you say, they run in her family.

A prenup just happens to be a good excuse for an engaged couple to create a financial mission statement. It's not just about who gets what. Going beyond that - before the wedding - it may be your last opportunity to set priorities during the marriage.

Think of a prenup as a blueprint to design your financial future with your life partner. What you need to know:

First off, a prenup can be difficult to enforce. Your fiancée can't just hand you a legal document and ask you to sign it, you should have your own attorney. Some states even require that you each retain your own lawyer, and pay your own legal fees. So find out if that is the case in your state.
If you don't want to set up an overweight or cheating clause where your spouse pays a fee for getting fat or cheating, then don't.
On the other hand, one of the easiest ways of getting out of a prenup is being able to claim that you did not have time to consult with your own attorney.

What's included in a prenup?

Basically a prenup specifies who gets what in the event of a breakup - and that would include any pets.
It helps you hash out the details of a financial plan to ensure that you're both on the same page walking down the aisle. For instance, how to divide up the living expenses. Or if you're taking turns working to support one another through school.
Some prenups have little hammers for weight gain or infidelity.

*One thing you can't specify in a prenup is child custody, because it won't hold up in court.

After deciding to have a prenup, many couples will agree - as a sign of good will - to tear it up after a certain amount of time has lapsed. Perhaps, that's what you need to say.

~Didi

The Sorriest Word In The Universe Should Not Be Sorry
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Sorriest Word In The Universe Should Not Be Sorry

I need to apologize to someone and I just can’t bring myself around to making the actual apology by saying that I’m sorry. It doesn’t help that I’m being pressured by others to apologize. The walls are closing in. Any advice?

–Name Withheld

Never underestimate the power of a straightforward apology to say that you are sorry. Even when it wasn't personally your fault. As tiresome as it might be, verbalizing your regret and sympathy for another's adversity demonstrates benevolence and helps to cool a heated exchange -- often preventing unfortunate consequences.

Nor does an honest apology mean telling the person that you're "sorry that they feel that way," or that you're "sorry that you've chosen to take offense," because, of course, that puts the blame on the other person.
Saying you're sorry is only the first step. Next you've got to make it alright by rectifying the mistake.

With a family member, lover, friend or colleague:

Don't procrastinate a moment longer, because bad feelings fester.
Ask if you can meet in person. When that's not possible, pick up the phone. Remember that a voicemail, text, or email saying that you're sorry won't have the backbone of a one-on-one conversation.
Make sure that the apology takes places in private.
No matter how awful you feel, do NOT turn the blame around onto the other person.
Reiterate with a follow up message. Sending a gift shouldn't be necessary unless you've inadvertently destroyed something irreplaceable.

You've got the essentials, however, if there is contributory blame, find out if the aggrieved person would help you analyze what went eschew. In going over the incident, during the process their own short comings are identified as are those of the person making the apology.

Lastly, it goes without saying that if the incident stemmed from a comment you made or something you did that others were witness to, you probably want to apologize again in front of that same audience.

~Didi

How To Ask for A Well-Deserved Raise
Creative Etiquette Solutions

How To Ask for A Well-Deserved Raise

How do I go about asking for a pay raise without ticking off my employer? Talking about money makes me intensely uncomfortable. Growing up talking about money was a conversational mind field worse than talking about sex, politics or religion. We would rather talk about the weather. Now I have a family of my own and I need to be paid what my time is worth. How do I bring up the subject with my boss?

–Polly, Boston, MA

How to go about asking for a raise.

A recent British study sited in Linda Babcock's new book, WOMEN DON'T ASK, reports that 56% of male graduates negotiated their starting salary, compared with 7% of women. From the start women probably earn approximately $5,000 less than their male colleagues who do the exact same job.

Don't let a lack of transparency about salaries continue the ongoing gap between what men and women earn. Practice talking about money. We should take a tip from the Chinese who say that "a conversation without talking about money is like eating rice without salt." Become more comfortable about making money part of your everyday banter.

When you know you should be making more money, here are tips to consider when going for a raise.

Decide on the best time.
Make an appointment to assure your employer's full attention.
Dress for the position you eventually hope to obtain.
Know your number and prepare to justify it.
Don't get personal, your finances are not relevant to the discussion.
Put together and pin down the facts that show how you have benefitted the company.
Be prepared to offer ideas for alternative benefits that are performance-based.
Thank your boss for discussing your salary with you.
Ask for your year-end performance review.
Don't take it as an insult if you are shot down.

It goes without saying that you should prepare by making sure that you fully understand the power of persuasion and the pitch process.

Illustrate how you've built rapport, adapted your style, uncovered a client's need. Anything that will demonstrate to your boss that you know how to prepare and deliver a sales pitch.

~Didi

Calling A Person By Their First Name
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Calling A Person By Their First Name

I have a pet peeve: “Hello, I’m Christopher Jones” – answer: “Well, hi Chris.” I just want to smack them! This would apply to all abbreviations such as Bill for William, etc. This goes to the importance of the Logos. Names have deep significance. Why do people assume a nickname?

We were taught to address a new acquaintance by their title and last name, until they say “Call me Bob.” For instance, my ranch manager who is 25 years younger (and is like family) called me Chris in the beginning until a friend of mine corrected him. Our relationship works much better since he’s been calling me Mr. Jones.

–Name Withheld

It is hard to go back to a more professional tone once someone is calling you by your first name, when you want to be called Mr. Jones.

Set boundaries.
When leaving a voicemail or message for him, say "Mr. Jones here." Referring to yourself as Mr. Jones in his presence should help.

As you said, it took a friend to set your ranch manager straight. Engage others to help you in your endeavor to be called Mr. Jones. Even if you have to start calling your range manager "Sir."

Correct someone who is overly familiar by assuming that you've got a nick name.

~Didi

Houseguest Dog Etiquette — Entertaining
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Houseguest Dog Etiquette — Entertaining

What is the dog etiquette for overnight guests?

Is there a polite way to tell someone that you would rather they not bring along their dog when they come to stay over Labor Day Weekend? It’s not that I don’t like dogs, but the idea of leaving the dog in my newly carpeted home when we go out either during the day or at night, is disconcerting.

–AB, Newport, RI

Thank you for your question about guest dog etiquette.

Forget the cliché Love Me Love My Dog!

Text your dog owner friends for doggie hotel recommendations. Find their website addresses and forward them, with their lists of amenities and prices, to your soon-to-be-guest.

If you're renting, you can use that as an excuse.
If you've had unpleasant incidents in the past, that's an even grander excuse.

Give the guest fair warning by furnishing them with doggie hotel information and hope that s/he values and respects your friendship enough to take you up on your suggestion.

~Didi

Doggy Bag Etiquette — In Restaurants
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Doggy Bag Etiquette — In Restaurants

My questions is about doggy bag etiquette in restaurants.

My wife and I recently visited an old friend in Northeast Harbor, Maine, for a long weekend. One night we took him out to dine at a restaurant of his choice. When the bill came, I paid it and I asked for our leftovers to be packaged up to take back to his house. The portions had been huge and as a European, in good conscience, I could not bear to think of good food going to waste. Our friend, however, was mortified. He said I had embarrassed him because asking for a “doggy bag” was bad etiquette.

What’s your opinion, Didi? Do I need to apologize for supposedly embarrassing our host?

–Name Withheld, Far Hills, NJ

You said it all about doggy bag etiquette. If you didn't tell him at the time what you wrote to me, that "The portions had been huge and I cannot stand to think of good food going to waste," mention it again.

In your thank-you note to your host for the marvelous weekend, say, "As a European, I cannot get used to the huge American portions and I cannot abide seeing good food go to waste."

Some restaurants are refusing diners' requests for doggy bags, either because the restaurant considers itself too formal, or there is too little on the plate to bag. Then there is the liability issue of health risk.

There definitely is a stigma attached to requesting leftovers at fancy eateries.

In France, for instance, the home of gourmet cuisine, it isn't the sophisticated thing to do.

There are two sides to the doggy bag issue:

Interestingly enough, Gen Y is less apt to ask for a doggy bag. A fourth of 18-26-year-olds in a recent survey answered that even if they wanted to ask for one, they wouldn't.
We're seeing a trend in restaurants refusing point-blank, or simply telling diners to bring their own containers and pack them themselves. Some restaurants will even ask you to sign an indemnity form.
On the other hand, consumer food waste is a bigger pollutant than cars and industry.

Here is a short list of doggy bag etiquette guidelines:

Doggy bags are inappropriate to ask for at business meals and social events where you are a guest (such as at a wedding or dinner party). On the other hand, if the hostess offers you the rest of the Key Lime Pie, let her wrap it up for you.
Also, never ask for a doggy bag at a four- or five-star restaurant because they won't have a container and you wouldn't bring your own.
Never take someone else's leftovers home.
Even if you paid for your date's dinner, don't ask to take his or her leftovers home, as it will make you look like a cheapskate.
Furthermore, if you take home a doggy bag and reheat it two days later, don't go whining on social media that the food from that restaurant made you sick, because it's unfair to the restaurant.

~Didi

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