Tricky Conversations Archives - Page 3 of 11

Eye Rolling — Body Language
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Eye Rolling — Body Language

My question is about eye rolling and sarcasm.

My boyfriend has the annoying habit of looking upward and giving me the eye roll when he disagrees or doesn’t like something I’ve said. When we’re at dinner, after he’s executed the eye rolling, he’ll take up finger drumming and make a sarcastic comment. To signal me that he’s impatient, he’ll tap his fingers on the table when he’s lost interest in what I’m saying or that he thinks I’m rattling on too long or that he totally disagrees with my opinion.

I love him but when he behaves like this it feels like a relationship deal-breaker. How do I get my feelings about his bad behavior across to my boyfriend?

–HB, Atlanta, GA

Nothing is more corrosive to a relationship than the ongoing eye rolling behavior you've described. Your boyfriend may not know he's annoying but if he does, he may not know how to control his despicable nonverbal behavior. They are bad social cues. The ability to control body language is one of the keys to social success.

Eye rolling is the equivalent of the door slam, the shrug, the smirk and the sarcastic tone of voice that are all acts that show disrespect and arrogance.

Using a sarcastic tone of voice and eye whites to convey blatant social cues, like rolling your eyes behind someone's back or refusing to make eye contact, are unconscionable behaviors. They are simply ways to shame someone.

Much like name calling, sarcasm expresses disgust. He shows signs of being a covert narcissist. Tell him that his body language and tone of voice is sometimes (or often) unacceptable because it makes you feel belittled.
When he doesn't agree with you he should have the decency to say why outright instead of using the passive-aggressive eye roll. Stop him at the eye roll and call attention to how he's handling his negative -- or perhaps ambivalent -- feelings.

One of the traits of a well-mannered person is having the ability to refrain from using inconsiderate body language and sarcasm to show that you disagree. Tell him that. Not that it sounds as though it will do much good.

~Didi

Lustful Advances from The Office Flirt
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Lustful Advances from The Office Flirt

My question is about how to handle a the office flirt.

There is a gorgeous woman in my office who makes overly friendly, unwanted, and even salacious advances toward me.

Everyone knows we are both married so when coworkers see her sitting on my desk or rubbing my leg under the table I look the other way. When colleagues rib me, saying, “You lucky dog,” and want to know what’s going on, I tell the truth. Nothing. She’s the office flirt. How do I stop her advances and keep my job? She’s my boss.

–Name Withheld

Come clean with the office flirt. Tell your gorgeous boss that it makes you uncomfortable when she plays footsie under the table. Ask if you can just be friends. When she hears the word "friends," she may well back off. Negotiating the relationship will most likely buzz kill any lusts for romance. Non-monogamies are increasing in popularity and it has become acceptable for women in the workplace to be living a lifestyle more like a man in terms of sex.

Women often take the lead in finding new couples to swing with, because it is less threatening when the woman makes the first advances and does the foreplay. Find out her intentions.

There are couples in good marriages who engage in sex with new partners or multiple partners and seem to manage it. You could always suggest a designer relationship that is agreed upon by you and your wife and your boss and her husband.

Boundaries would need to be hashed out between the four of you to design the kind of relationship that works for all of you so that jealousy doesn't become an issue.

Nonetheless, if monogamy isn't working for your boss, she may be so self-involved that asking her about swinging wouldn't appeal to her. Then you're really off the hook on swinging. Sex is 90% of a bad relationship, 20% of a good one.

If she thinks swinging will enhance her marriage, perhaps it will, but it will not solve the problem for you.

If your boss is lascivious because she doesn't have a good relationship with her husband, any assignation is going to end badly. So if your boss rebuffs your bid to be "just friends," you'll have to find out why. If you and your wife aren't into swinging, tell her that.

Bringing up these two options may well put an end to your boss's lustful advances.

Either way, she may playfully continue to tease you. Then you can always say, "Good morning, my friend, what's up?"

~Didi

When Saying Sorry Isn’t Enough
Creative Etiquette Solutions

When Saying Sorry Isn’t Enough

I made a terrible mistake and apologized, but I know that merely saying sorry wasn’t enough. My boyfriend is barely talking to me, he is so mad at what happened. It was a silly mistake, which I made worse by trying to cover it up while over-explaining, but I got caught in an untruth.

I keep telling him I’m sorry, but he so doesn’t seem to believe me! How do I convince my boyfriend that I am truly sorry.

–Name Withheld

Either we're someone who annoyingly says sorry way too often, or we have difficulty ever saying "I'm sorry"- even when we know we've done something wrong and hurt someone. Could it be that apologizing to someone, for many, is a sign of weakness?

For much of the population, saying sorry hasn't made its way into their interpersonal skills set.
There are those who simply cannot recognize apology-worthy situations.
Others simply do not feel the value of the apology.

Making a genuine apology helps to restore the relationship as well as the reputation of the person who did something that warrants a more authentic apology.

Accept responsibility for your wrong-doing action.
When appropriate reenforce that apology by saying it won't happen again.
Be sure to make it clear that you understand and acknowledge the ramifications of the wrong-doing.
So don't be vague, look for clarity in what went wrong.

The purpose of saying sorry is that you want to regain the trust and respect from the person you've offended. Find a time when neither of you are stressed out, uptight, angry or tired and say that you want to have a serious talk. Go over what you did wrong and why you think you made the mistake. Then acknowledge that you panicked and tried to coverup, which only made things worse. Lastly, end by saying you won't do whatever it was - and be specific - ever again.

~Didi

Multiple Daily Greetings — Relationships
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Multiple Daily Greetings — Relationships

Aside from the weird noises of clearing throats, sneezing and cellphone ring tones that I have to endure listening to daily working in a cubicle, what bugs me even more is having to say “hi” several times a day to the same coworkers all day long. I can cut them off when they ask, “How are you?” by simply saying “good” and not asking them how they are. Do I have to greet the same colleagues all day long with a “hi”?

–VM, Seattle, WA

Use body language and facial expression to acknowledge the person's presence. A simple nod, smile, wink, peace sign or slight wave of the hand can get you by in most instances.

When passing by, don't slow down, but don't speed up either.
Then there is always the looking away as though you are distracted by a sound or reading a text.

~Didi

The Lonely Part-Time Spouse — Friendship
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Lonely Part-Time Spouse — Friendship

My question is about friendship and whether to be intrusive and step in to help.

A well-loved younger friend seems to be having difficulties since her husband took a job in another state and only comes home every other weekend. She frequents community events, which include art gallery openings, concerts, and friends’ parties acting rather tipsy.

Her social skills are excellent, so at first you don’t notice it, but after an hour she is clearly smashed. There is often an unpleasant odor of vomit on her mouth or clothing when she greets you with a hug.

Her husband is a good friend, should we talk to him? We worry about her driving home and would offer her a ride, but wouldn’t it seem patronizing? Plus, she’s always one of the last to leave a party.

–TM, Savannah, GA

Be a good friend, safeguard your friendship. Next time you see your young friend out and about stay at the event as long as she does. Walk her to her car to say that you're following her home -- which, by the way, you can do without telling her. Decide if she's too drunk to drive. One of you should offer to take her home and the other can follow.

If she resists your assistance, risk challenging her (out of earshot of other guests), before she gets into her car. Otherwise, follow in pursuit and wait until she's securely safe inside her house.

Your friend's husband may or may not know that his wife has a drinking problem.

As we age, it is unlikely that we handle liquor as well as we did when we were younger. A known fact you can remind him of without ratting out your friend by name. Putting the ball in his court, you're opening up the topic for discussion.
Don't do so on the phone, but in a face-to-face conversation.

~Didi

Presidential Fashion + Mr. Trump
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Presidential Fashion + Mr. Trump

My question is about presidential fashion. What fashion advice would you give to Mr. Trump? Between the trucker cap that belongs on the shift manager of a box store, and the flapping tie and comb-over, how do we make him look more presidential?

–Name Withheld, Washington, D.C.

About presidential fashion, several tips.

Starting with his "presidential hat," an embroidered trucker hat with USA on the front and the number 45, his place in the line of presidents, on the side, with his name at the back. Think of Abraham Lincoln's iconic stovepipe hat and Teddy Roosevelt's Rough Rider slouch hat, which may be the most memorable -- neither was manufactured to a mass market to make a fast buck. At shop.donaldtrump.com, you can purchase the Official USA 45th Presidential Hat for $40.:

World leaders have had their personal style from Winston Churchill's formal Homburg to Muammar Gaddafi's highly decorated officer's hat, but for our current president to go down in history for his seven-foot ties, pleated, light colored chinos, trucker hat and famous comb-over is not overall a dignified image.

Look closely on this photo below for the double-faced scotch tape attached to the underside of Mr. Trump's tie, that failed to stabilize it from sailing over his shoulder.

If he buttoned his jacket, his tie would be snuggly captured under the buttons. Alternatively, someone could give him a tie clip to anchor his tie to his shirt. Darker colored, perfectly fitted chinos, or dress khakis, would make Mr. Trump appear slimmer and less sloppy. While they're at it, can someone, please recommend a decent barber to the White House!

~Didi

DatingTips forTwits
Creative Etiquette Solutions

DatingTips forTwits

My brother’s into dating, but he’s a twit and can’t keep a girlfriend. He’s a one-date kind of guy. I don’t know where to start in helping him.

–Amy, North Scituate, MA

Hi Amy, make your twit brother, who is into dating, a gift of Will Forte's book, 101 THINGS TO DEFINITELY NOT DO IF YOU WANT TO GET A CHICK. Our watered down abbreviated list appears here:

Never use cheesy pick-up lines.
Never take anyone to dinner without bathing and dressing for the occasion ahead of time.
Never compare her to others you've dated.
Never confess details of past relationships.
Never take her to dinner and attempt to pay with an outdated coupon or credit card.
Never use her credit card.
Never go on a date with jagged finger nails.
Never reveal old grudges.
Never tap the table, while dining, as though you're playing a set of drums.
Never engage a skywriter to express your feelings.
Never take card or board games too seriously.
Never introduce her as your girlfriend early in the relationship.
Never brag about knowing a celebrity or name drop.
Never be critical, because criticism destroys relationships.
Never pick at or scratch your ear, nose, mouth, hair or nails.
Never name your boat after her mother.

~Didi

Brain-Picking
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Brain-Picking

Don’t chat me up with brain-picking. If you want my advice on your funding project, pay me for my advice. When a line is crossed between friendship and brain-picking how do I suggest that I need to be compensated, even by my existing clients?

In particular, a former grad school classmate, who is not a client and a new client, who thinks I should be at his beck and call. Billable consulting services are available, you can’t consult me for free!

How to ask for a monetary reward when someone picks your brain?

–AB, NYC

Sit on top of the situation by creating a time to talk on the phone or to meet up for a brain-picking discussion. Make it clear that weekdays are for clients and weeknights and your weekends are for friends.

If you don't want to suggest weekends or evenings, propose a Friday afternoon when most people are generally not as busy.

Should the person want to talk sooner or at a more convenient time for them, let him or her know they will have to pay for your time.

When you're caught totally off-guard, offer the person a twenty minute phone conversation.

A phone chat is invariably more amenable to being kept short.

When scheduled for a brain-picking session do a bit of homework so you can share a few ideas.

Make the phone appointment for "brain thinking time."

Help the person understand not to expect too much expertise unless they pay for it. Most importantly, be gracious and generous with your friends and listen with compassion. Let he or she tell you what they had planned to communicate to you. Often that person may be looking for affirmation of their idea, project, strategy or intention -- even more than they want to pick your brain. images-26

~Didi

Spreading Illness — Sick Etiquette
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Spreading Illness — Sick Etiquette

My question is about sick etiquette and spreading illness.

A neighborly friend came for a drink recently sporting a full-blown cold. When we opened the door he announced, “No physical contact, because I’ve got a bad cold.” We bypassed the warm welcoming handshakes and hugs. He said he couldn’t stay long, but nonetheless lingered long enough to bestow his cold virus on the household with his sneezing and coughing. We lost time from work; our son missed an important basketball game.

Shouldn’t he have told us he had a bad cold before sharing his germs, to give us the option of postponing his visit until he was healthy?

–JP, Springfield, MA

What you call sick etiquette and the spreading of illness is all well and good, but be cautious about casting blame. Until we have cash-cleaning ATM machines, you may have been just as likely to have caught that cold virus from the germiest things we touch every day, such as ATM machines and the paper bills they dispense. images-17

The influenza virus is known to survive on paper money for ten days. You're just as likely to catch a cold virus from the office water cooler as from sampling a party salsa and chip dip. images-20

You could have picked your cold virus up anywhere as they are regularly found residing on the rails and armrests of a public bus, at your doctor's office, a public restroom; as well as on gym equipment, door handles, the pantry counter at work, a computer keyboard, photocopy machine button, movie theatre seat, park bench, shopping cart, bank countertop, and anything in an airplane -- especially the pocket attached to the seat in front you where passengers dispose of used tissues. Then in your own home or in a hotel: your pillow, salt & pepper shaker, light switches, cellphones (The University of Arizona tested 25 cellphones and found staph growing on half of them.), toilet seat, bathtub, kitchen sink, kitchen sponge, fridge handle, shifter knob in your car, TV remote. Cold viruses are even found in men's beards. We can't live in a bubble. You can encourage your son to wash his hands after being on the school bus when he comes home and before he has supper. Use and be consistent with coughing and sneezing etiquette, by teaching him to cover his mouth and move away from anyone who is nearby, and then thoroughly washing his hands.

~Didi

What To Do When You Stiffed on A Holiday Tip
Creative Etiquette Solutions

What To Do When You Stiffed on A Holiday Tip

I read your answer about how to tip during the holidays and have a follow-up question. I tipped the woman who cuts my hair every six weeks an extra $20 in December. I never tipped my old barber, because he owned the barber shop until he retired six years ago. Since then I’ve been going to a salon that cuts both men and women’s hair, and tipping $10 each time for a $30 haircut. She does a great job and so I decided this year to give a holiday tip. In the past I had noticed that other clients brought in gifts, such as wine, perfume, a wrapped boxed gift. Guiltily I handed her an extra $20 and wished her happy holidays.

She looked at me in disgust as if I didn’t appreciate her work. What did I do wrong? Her facial expression went from disappointment to repulsion.

–GW, Portsmouth, RI

Think of a tip this way. If it takes your hair-stylist 30 minutes to cut your hair and trim away at any stray strands on your eyebrows, nose, and neck and you are pleased with her work, then why wouldn't you reward her at the end of the year with a generous holiday tip? At the very least, giving her a gratuity equal to the cost of one appointment is expected. Just say at your January appointment, that you didn't understand how much tip was appropriate. Add that you now realize that you should have given her more than twice as much as you did and give her another $20. Next December bring her a holiday gift of at least $50.

~Didi

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