• Home
  • Ask Didi
  • FAQs
  • How Tos
  • Be Your Best
  • Meet The Challenge
  • About Didi
  • “NEWPORT ETIQUETTE”
  • Home
  • Ask Didi
  • FAQs
  • How Tos
  • Be Your Best
  • Meet The Challenge
  • About Didi
  • “NEWPORT ETIQUETTE”
  • CONDOLENCES & SYMPATHY ETIQUETTE — SOCIAL DISTANCE — COVID-19
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

You may also be interested in:

Splitting the check
How To Ask for A Well-Deserved Raise
What about Signing off An Email
CONDOLENCES & SYMPATHY ETIQUETTE — SOCIAL DISTANCE — COVID-19
It’s been my normal to send my condolences through a sympathy card, but there are none to be found anywhere with so many of us dying. Online or in the usual places such as CVS or Stop & Shop. For people I was close to, I call or email their nearest surveyor, or who I know the person through.
      Before COVID-19, for my dearest friends and family members I’ll arrive at the surveyor’s door baring bounty and pitch in by doing errands and making phone calls, and try to make myself useful. “What can I do to help? I’ll ask and there is always something even if it’s walking the deceased’s dog or arranging the flowers, but these are not normal times. I’ve had to take pen to paper and find a stamp.
      What words of sympathy can I use to ease the surveyor through their tragic loss in these troubled times?

–Jeremy, Newport

Dear Jeremy, I am sorry for your loss, or losses as the case may be. A new normal, a now normal, a forever normal, indeed, is called for now, today. More than ever your words on paper will be registered and stored in the recipient's heart and mind.
      In offering first words of condolence in the first paragraph--here are examples highlighted--mentioning the deceased by name; as it is most comforting to use the name of the deceased often:
  • I am (Sharon and I are) deeply sorry for your tragic loss. Bob was my best guy friend, I couldn't have had a better friend.
  • It is with a heavy heart that I (George and I) write to send you my (our) deepest sympathy. Charlotte was the kindest, dearest friend and neighbor from that first day when she arrived after we moved in twenty years ago with blueberry muffins, to only last week when she picked up our curbside grocery order.
  • A few warm words to say how sorry I am (we are) for your great loss. Charles had to be one of the wittiest raconteurs I've ever met, always with a friendly smile and an amusing anecdote to start the conversation going.
  • Our whole family is mourning your great loss. It is our great loss, too. Thanksgiving won't be the same without Aunt Susanne, always curious to learn what the kids and their own families were up to and joyfully praising their many accomplishments.
If you can, tell a story about the deceased that illustrates their character, loyalty, sense of humor, honesty, valor, or good disposition. Here's one of mine:
  •  One of my favorite stories about Harry is the time he found a woman's wallet in the ATM entrance to his bank, where he had gone to take out money for the long holiday weekend. It was late on a Friday afternoon after the bank had closed. He ran out looking left and right, but he didn't see anyone in sight. Leaving the wallet where he found it wouldn't have been safe, so Harry took it home and found her name and address on her driver's license, called 411 and was connected to her house phone. The woman was grateful that she had answered the phone because she had been on her way out the door to do an errand without realizing that she didn't have her wallet. Long story short, he left the wallet in a manilla envelope in his porch mailbox, she picked it up while he was out, and two weeks later he received a hand written thank-you note and a gift certificate to her restaurant. They met, they dated, they fell in love.
Start by thinking of a memorable time you spent with the deceased:
  • Alison was an amazing person, full of surprises, and truly one of the most capable, unassuming people I've ever known. Once I took her out on a sailfish, I was at the helm because she had never been on a sailfish and said that she didn't know how to sail. We were curious about a particular cove and our goal was to find it. Once there we had a swim before starting back to the dock in the harbor, but just as we were entering the bay a fierce gust of wind came out of the northeast and swept us out to sea. The sky suddenly became dark as black clouds headed our way and I had a really bad cramp and couldn't move, Alison without saying a word took the helm and the jib and brought us safely back to the dock.
By the way, if you don't have a personal tale to tell you can go right to the final paragraph praising the deceased: 
  • End with words of praise for the deceased. "As a working mother I could have never finished my thesis and kept my job, if it hadn't been for Susanne's support, she was a real friend pitching in when my son was sick and I couldn't miss another day at work, and helping me through postpartum depression and rough patches in my marriage. Susanne was always there for me, never judgmental, though always helping me question my values. I don't know how I could have gotten through the early years of parenting without a true friend, as true as Susanne.
  • Conclude by writing something such as this: Gordon joins me in saying we are (deeply) sorry for you and your family, and hope that you will receive the comfort and strength to bear this tremendous loss.    
A couple of final points:
  • Ideally, a letter of condolence should be hand-written without delay, "to bolster the surveyor for the funeral," which gives a sense of convivial urgency. If you missed the boat, receiving words of sympathy after the funeral are also greatly appreciated. Not that there are funerals these days, but there may be memorial services and burials eventually. Sometimes, I think, those later letters are the hardest to write because they express the deepest sentiments. The writer has taken a lot of time to mourn.
  • A widow or widower would be happy to read a praise of their happy marriage; that you thought their marriage was perfect in it's happiness. An unforgettable happiness that would survive always in your memory, and be an inspiration to you and all who knew the couple. 
  • Be ware: If you're not totally sure of the recipient's religious belief, steer clear of expressing your faith. The condolence letter is not about the writer. The surveyor could become angry and annoyed by any hint of  proselytizing. 
  • In the event that the condolence letter is to a member of the your staff or to the staffer's family, the letter can be printed out on office stationery.
  • Signing off "With dearest love," to someone you you've known for a long time or "Alex joins me in sending our love (to you and your family)," are sincere; or more formally, "Kindest regards," or simply, "Sincerely."
As of this writing on May 4, 2020,
social distance takes precedence
over religious rituals. With good reason.
Never has there been a more important
time to write a letter of condolence.

~Didi

Read More…

  • The Importance of The Handwritten Note — Relationships
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

You may also be interested in:

Married To His Cellphone
Bully of A Father-of-The-Bride
How To Get People Off Your Back — Difficult Conversations
The Importance of The Handwritten Note — Relationships

This is about relationships. A good friend’s last remaining parent died and I’ve been trying to be as helpful as I can. Do I still need to write her a personal note? Or would that be just another note she’d have to acknowledge? Should I send her a condolence card or do I have to write a letter? She asked me if she needs to write to 150 people who ‘Liked’ the photo of her parent that she posted on Facebook to announce the parent’s death or can she just ‘Reply’ with a quick ‘Thank You’? If she thanked friends in person for their flowers at the funeral, does she still have to send a sympathy acknowledgement?

–EH, Boston

Handwriting is the most elegant form of communication in relationships. The whole exercise of expressive note writing whether in sympathy or gratitude -- even a few lines on a commercial condolence card and finding a stamp (who has those any longer?) -- is part of the mourning process. You can send your friend a handwritten note on your best stationery (even if its left over from your wedding) or a thoughtful greeting card. BillMiller59242542781T Trust me. It will make you happier to write her a note. In many instances, including that of the survivor, writing is cathartic for mourning. There is a de-escalation process where the survivor reciprocates, acknowledging in writing the death of their parent to friends and family; when she sends acknowledgement cards that include a short message she's accepting her grief. Expressing the loss of that relationship is therapeutic for the writer as well as the survivor Hopefully, these simple guidelines will make it easier to understand: With the case for handwriting your message, the evidence is evident. We now know from recent brain scan studies that early handwriting helps kids to learn how to read, and that keyboards don't have the same effect. Forming the letters with a pen/pencil enables children to break the code by producing more brain activity than merely viewing letters on a keyboard. There's more evidence that handwriting lecture notes, compared to typing on a laptop or iPhone, improves learning for college students.
  • The gratitude letter that your friend would be writing in return is positive psychology. It is written as a specific expression of thanks to a person who has been especially thoughtful, kind or important to her. Apparently, 99% of the time the gratitude letter works. And why wouldn't it?
As I said before, handwriting is the most elegant form of communication. It makes you happier, smarter and more endearing. In most instances, handwriting is another tool for thinking, expression, creativity, and communication. BillMiller59242543012 BillMiller59242272506 A good handwritten letter
  • is personal and is personalized (when you send a tweet, email, text, or FB message, you should still follow up with a handwritten note or card when you know the person well.)
  • represents the writer's undivided attention (unlike an email or phone call while multi-tasking at work.)
  • is a thoughtful gesture appreciated for its effort, time spent writing it and finding a stamp. People remember who wrote a heartfelt letter and who sent a text.
BillMiller59242069823T The gratitude letter
  • for a gift of any kind or any occasion acknowledgement is appreciated. It sustains the relationship. If I spend half a day making a meatloaf and cherry pie to bring you while you're recuperating from a knee replacement, I am grateful to receive a handwritten message of appreciation.
  • is appreciated when someone goes out of their way (again, spending time on you) to introduce you to someone who becomes your boss, mentor, investor, or business partner; or pulls strings for you.
images-134 A condolence letter
  • can be sent anytime, the sooner the better, however, there are no rules or time constraints.
  • should never include unhelpful phrases (see below).
  • is NOT about being profound.
  • is all about acknowledging a death and expressing genuine sympathy.
  • is not the place to compare losses (saying you've experienced the same loss could annoy the person).
          What NOT to say:
  • It's for the best.
  • I/we know how you feel. (You don't know how they feel, no matter how well you think you know the person.)
  • He lived a full life.
  • My mother had ______, too.
  • How are you? Obviously, they're hurting
  • It was the right time -- because she may have been let go.
          What to AVOID:
  • Don't promise to help, if you're not sure you will.
  • Don't go on too long, because brevity is key.
  • Don't go into the drastic circumstances of the deceased.
  • Don't say anything even vaguely religious, unless it is appropriate.Don't sign off with just Sincerely, which sounds cold.
          When you don't know the person well, how to sign off in closing:
  • With sympathy,
  • Please accept our condolences,
  • Our sincere sympathy,
  • With caring thoughts,
  • With deepest sympathy,
  • Warmest condolences,
  • With deepest sympathy for your loss,
BillMiller59242542755           When you know the recipient well:
  • With love,
  • With loving memories,
  • Thinking of you,
  • Our thoughts are of you, our hearts are with you,
          Add the deceased's name in the closing -- even if it is a pet:
  • Stella will never be forgotten,
  • Toby will live on in our hearts,
  • Louis will remain in our hearts,
  • We will never forget Elaine,
Zoom-V2-91-23837SN

Much appreciation to the Printery, Oyster Bay, New York,

for the use of all of the exquisite samples above.

~Didi

Read More…

  • What about Signing off An Email
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

You may also be interested in:

Parenting while Texting
Post-Wedding Reception Etiquette
Houseguest Dog Etiquette — Entertaining
What about Signing off An Email

What is the etiquette for signing off an email for business and personal emails? I certainly don’t do Xs and Os, but Yours truly, and Sincerely, don’t work for me.

 

–A.D., Chicago, IL

Even in business, signing off an email is personal because it reflects who you are. Express your personality -- even a little bit. When closing with Yours truly, Best wishes, Kind regards, or Sincerely, you leave the reader with a bland feeling, blah, blah, blah.... How you end a communication varies depending on the context and your relationship with the recipient. Use Respectfully, or Respectfully yours, when recommending someone for a job or membership, because it means: I respect you and this other person enough to recommend or endorse you both. A friendlier, yet still business-like closing, would be to write: Have a great weekend. To close an email dialogue for the rest of the day: Have a great night -- meaning that's it from me on this end (so don't bother texting). Or, when there is a special occasion or event: Have a wonderful vacation -- holiday, honeymoon, afternoon delight, trip, sabbatical, birthday weekend, or Thanksgiving. Personally, I adore singing off with Cheers, but to some people it sounds too British and thus pretentious. When I'm emailing my really good friend we don't sign off. We assume we'll be back online where we left off eventually and leave the conversation open- ended. Then we pick back up without a Hi or Dear -- the way you don't sign off a text. For a get well ending I'll use: All best wishes for a speedy (swift) recovery, You'll be back in circulation before you know it, I'll see you on the dance floor in August, Sympathy: You're in my thoughts, or I'll be thinking of you, Condolence: You and John are in my thoughts and prayers, or Bill joins me in sending our best wishes, I'm not a big fan of XXOO or Hugs. I never use them. They seems too middle-school. If I truly love someone, I'll end: Love, Didi With my children it is always unconditional: Lots of love always, For friends: Hope to see you soon, Let's get together soon, Talk to you soon, Until Thursday, See you for dinner Saturday, Closing a message to a colleague: Wonderful to hear from you, Great job, Keep  up the good work, Work well done. When I don't know what to say because the message is philanthropic, I use: Kindest regards, and With much appreciation, That's all for now, cheers,    

~Didi

Read More…

  • When to Stay Silent
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

You may also be interested in:

CONDOLENCES & SYMPATHY ETIQUETTE — SOCIAL DISTANCE — COVID-19
Mother-of-the-Bride Dress Code 5:00PM
What about Employee’s Snippy Emails
When to Stay Silent

A friend of ours died in a car accident recently and we’re not only at a loss for words, but we’re at a loss for the right words to say to his family and friends of the family. They have a child who is in school with one of our children and it has been difficult telling them what to say and what not to say. Please, give us some badly needed guidance.

–Anonymous, Newport, Rhode Island

When in doubt as to what to say and what not to say it is advisable to say as little possible. The best thing to say is that you have been thinking about them. The worst thing to say is "How are you?" Obviously, they are not feeling great and you cannot take away the pain. They just lost their father or husband. Your feelings of helplessness shouldn't keep you from reaching out and encouraging your children to reach out to their friend. Don't underestimate the power of love. Words give us power, so let the adult or child find the right words. Most importantly, tell good memories. Children dealing with loss have many of the same feelings and needs as adults, but fewer resources and coping skills to deal with their feelings. Any way to ease the pain of mourning is welcome. We all mourn in our own way and in our own time, and have individual patterns and outlets for grief. Sometimes it is best to say nothing and just be with the person, or give a big hug instead of saying anything. If you have a favorite memory of the deceased, share it. Or simply say: 'I am sorry for your loss,' 'I wish I had the right words, please, know that I care about you and your children,' 'I can't say that I know how you feel, but I'm here to help any way I can.' It would be insensitive to ask for details about the accident, such as, 'Was he wearing a seatbelt?' You simply wouldn't ask a question like that. Someone will probably tell you, anyway. Or say things such as, 'He is in a better place,' or 'There is a reason for everything,' or never 'You're still young you can marry again,' or 'I know how you feel.' Stay clear of bringing in God and religion, because you never know, the survivor could be very angry at God right now. Let the widow know you're thinking about her and check up on her from time to time, because, after all, when the out-of-town family and friends have gone home and she is alone, your friend will need you most. When the children are back in school and she is alone with her pain -- and her memories. Let her know that she and her children are in your thoughts and prayers and that you're here to help.

~Didi

Read More…

  • Teaching Adult Children Manners
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

You may also be interested in:

iPad TIPPING — Etiquette for iPad Tipping
Wedding Etiquette Introducing Divorced Parents
Why Don’t Women Ask for Help?
Teaching Adult Children Manners

My adult children neglected to bring wedding gifts to a close friend of the family’s wedding. Now the mother-of-the-groom is upset with me and them and came right out and told me she almost didn’t invite them to the upcoming baby shower and she HOPES they will bring a baby gift. I feel her spiteful behavior is as bad as what my children did. Don’t you agree?

–D.F., Providence

What are we going to do about these freeloading adult children who attend family celebrations empty handed? Don't they know any better? What kind of role model are we as parents when we have not taught the adage that there is no free lunch? You eat the cake, you send a gift from the wedding registry. The mother-of-the-groom was speaking her mind, but two wrongs really don't make a right. It is never too late to teach good manners, so phone your children and tell them, "Under no condition do you attend the baby shower without sending or bringing a gift from the parents' baby registry." Find out where the new parents are registered for baby presents and tell your adult children what you sent/or bought to bring to the shower, as a reminder that they cannot get away with their crass behavior. In spite of the groom's mother's rudeness, you can make this right

~Didi

Read More…

Ask Didi
your étiquette question
Explore
Didi’s collection of responses
discover
How To...
POPULAR TOPICS
  • Codes + Conduct
  • Dilemmas
  • Awkward Situations
  • Entertaining
  • Wedding
  • Relationships
  • Manners
  • Tricky Conversations
  • Sticky Social Situations
  • Family
  • Dress Code
  • Conversation Etiquette
Total absence of humor renders life impossible. ~Colette

Our Newsletter

As you've shown an interest in Newport Manners & Etiquette, Didi Lorillard thought you may wish to subscribe. You can easily unsubscribe at any time. Thank you ever so much!

* indicates required



 

  • Home
  • FAQs
  • How Tos
  • Be Your Best
  • Meet The Challenge
  • About Didi
  • “NEWPORT ETIQUETTE”
  • Sitemap
© 2014 All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact didi@newportmanners.com site design AtlanticGraphicDesign.com