Entertaining Archives - Newport Manners

BLACK TIE OPTIONAL — WEDDING DRESS CODE
Creative Etiquette Solutions

BLACK TIE OPTIONAL — WEDDING DRESS CODE

I am from Florida and have been invited to a black tie optional wedding in Newport. The ceremony is at 1:30 pm and the reception is at 5:30 pm at The Bohlin. Am I supposed to wear 2 different dresses?

–MH, Florida

The dress code Black Tie Optional is rather confusing. You want to be dressed appropriately, and yet, not overdressed -- nor underdressed. Additionally, having the ceremony three to four hours earlier than the reception leads one to wonder if one needs to dress down for the ceremony and then hours later dress up for the reception: A two outfit wedding? That's thought provoking for most of the guests. The Black Tie dress code request asks all who identify as male to wear a tuxedo. In Newport we're a bit more laid back with the dress code Cocktail Attire being the most popular. Cocktail Attire is a step down from the dress code Black Tie Optional.

First off, I go to the website of the venue to look at recent wedding photos to get a sense of the formality of the facility. Is the reception taking place in a ballroom at one of the fancy mansions, or is it a more casual affair on one of the docks on the harbor?

Secondly, ask the bride or someone close to the bride about the length of the bridesmaids' dresses. If they are long, you can wear a long dress, if the dresses are short, you can wear short. If the reception is on a yacht then you wouldn't wear an evening dress and stiletto heels; you would wear a more comfortable outfit.

By looking at The Bohlin in Newport website (the company organizing the wedding you're attending) photos, you'll see that the wedding may be taking place on a very cool dock on the harbor front under a tent. Most likely not in a ballroom at one of the fancy mansions, for instance. You'll also notice in the photos that many of the men are wearing white (or khaki) trousers and navy blue (or colored) blazers, which is considered Cocktail Attire. Don't be deceived into thinking it is a very formal wedding by photos showing a formally dressed wedding party; the wedding party is overdressed so they stand out and look uniformed in the formal photos.

You would only be expected to wear a formal evening dress if there was to be a seated dinner (called a candlelight dinner) with a starting time closer to eight o'clock.

In a nutshell, you would not be expected to change into an evening gown for a 5:30 reception.

When in doubt wear a lovely cocktail dress or a long dress that is more casual than formal, but still of good quality and design.

Also, the wedding couple's wedding website should make note of the dress codes of the various events surrounding the wedding.

You say the invitation mentions that Black Tie is an option, so, again, you can assume that it is not the most formal of weddings.

Google the actual venue address for photos of recent wedding to see how guests are dressed at receptions at that location: for instance go to Rosecliff weddings Newport that caterers to the most formal weddings and then to the dockside terrace in the marina The Bohlin where more casual receptions are held.

Basically, that seemingly long period of time between the end of the ceremony and the start of the reception allows for wedding photos of just the wedding party.

If you go with a short dress, you can wear a hat to the ceremony, but not to the wedding reception; adding jewelry, such as dangling earrings for a more festive evening look at sunset.

Tip: You may be happy that you brought along a warm pretty shawl or stylish long sweater to Newport in late spring.

~Didi

QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS
Creative Etiquette Solutions

QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS

How do we do the social bubble distancing? We’re bored to tears isolating. We love each other and our kids but spending every hour of every day together is too much for too long. We’ve done the Zoomtini with grownup friends and FaceTime a lot with family, but we’ve had enough of screens.

How can we spend time safely with friends and extended family? It seems forced and awkward trying to put together a bubble with one or two other families. Our kids’ closest friends have always been other kids they’ve been spending time with commuting in the school bus, playing soccer, lacrosse or pick up basketball. Their friendships, for the most part, didn’t include parents, except for the parents we mainly saw at home games.

How do we initiate the suggestion to other families and how do we know who to invite? What happens if it doesn’t work out? Or if they reject our invitation to start a bubble? How can we be sure they follow as rigidly the same social distancing and hygiene rules? How do we safely have a healthy social life again? People say they are being super careful, but are they really?

–Jennie, Brookline, MA

Hi Jennie, thanks for your questions about Quarantine Bubbles Protocol, social bubbles and social pods.

The risk of gathering together during the pandemic will change as time goes by. Warm summer weather is here just in time to allow for quarantine bubbles and social pods.

A double bubble is where two households meet outdoors and agree to adhere to social distancing guidelines in order to increase social contact. Having a picnic in a public place or taking turns for pizza in your backyard are a start. A household picks one other group to socialize with until lockdowns are further relaxed.

The bad news: Close and numerous social interactions with friends may need to be limited until a vaccine is available to all, modeling shows, to eliminated a second peaking of COVID-19. Recent studies in the UK found that under optimistic assumptions, contacts may have to be limited to 5-10 a day outside the home, and if 10% of previous contacts were resumed we would be at risk of a second peak of the virus outbreak.

The good news: The prospect of being in a bubble can give your family something to look forward to. Try forming a quarantine bubble consisting of a group of people or families whose members have been safely isolating; people who can eventually begin hanging out with other extremely cautious groups, as long as everyone obeys safety guidelines and agrees to be exclusive. At least that's what many European countries are doing as they begin to ease their lockdowns.

For instance, in Belgium, "Two sets of four people make a 'corona bubble' who can visit each other's homes. No one else is allowed into the domestic social circle." Eventually that first bubbles enlarges as trust and caution become the normal.

The trick is to go in light heartedly but with facts, "Hey, do you and your family want to join us in our quarantine bubble?" Then you go into detail about the guidelines your family has been following, including mention of how many times a week you go to the grocery store or/and gym and explain the routines you follow. If they're interested, they'll respond by telling you their routines about ordering groceries online and doing curbside pickups. Then suggest a picnic in a public space to see how everyone behaves.

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work and there will be other people interested in being part of a bubble, with the objective of eventually enlarging the bubble. Make it clear that if it doesn't click, the friendships will peter out and it will be obvious that it's time to find other people.

Keep in mind:

Social bubbles allow some social contact, while continuing to limit the risk of further Covid-19 transmissions.
The goal is to get to level 3 where your household bubble can include people such as close family members, care-givers or someone who needs care.
Beware that if the number of deaths does not continue to drop or the average number of people infected for every Covid-19 case increases, people will then not be allowed to use the bubble scheme.
Two sets of four people make a "corona bubble," who can visit each others houses but there are no hugs or other physical exchange like kissing.
In Northern Island now six people from different households can meet outdoors as long as social distancing is practiced.
Your social bubble is the people you live with. With extreme caution you can manage adding to your bubble.
Anyone experiencing coronavirus symptoms, or who is at a higher risk, should not be in a bubble, and needs to self-isolate.

As part of your first discussion:

When do you go out? For what reason?
Do you where a mask?
Do you keep 6 feet away from others?
When are you communicating with family?
What happens if someone in the bubble has symptoms of Covid-19?
What questions do you ask others?
What is the process for entering a bubble?
How would we set up protocol and etiquette?
What would be the protocol and etiquette?

Three things every member of the bubble must keep in mind:

There is the possibility of extending the bubble.
The bubble doesn't have to be forever.
The bubble gives everyone something to look forward to.

~Didi

How To Work With A Wedding DJ
Creative Etiquette Solutions

How To Work With A Wedding DJ

How do we go about finding and working with a DJ? At weddings we’ve been to recently the music just didn’t seem right for us, and anyway, we wouldn’t want to have the same DJ for basically the same group of friends. Please advise us about how to find, hire, and work with a DJ. Like how much do we need to budget in for a DJ for our wedding this summer.

–Avery & George, Newport, RI

Hi Avery and George, your wedding coordinator could be your best bet on this. He or she knows your budget and your style. But still this is what you should know:

Look for an online wedding forum in the zip code where the wedding is taking place, but don't give out info about the date or location of the wedding, or you could get crashers. You're looking for information: DJs to interview, or not interview.
Get started now, because the best DJs may not be available if you procrastinate.
Don't go with a referral until you've actually talked to the references on the phone about what the wedding couple liked and didn't like about the DJ.
Make a short-list of DJ names and interview them. If you're lucky they'll tell you where they are working on a certain night and you can go to the bar or club and listen without getting personal.
When you narrow down your list of possibilities ask:

How many weddings has the DJ done in how many years? 100 in three years? 300 in five years?
How many songs does the DJ have in their repertoire 10,000 songs? 100,000 songs?

The venue where the wedding is taking place will have a list of contacts for DJs they've worked with in the past that they recommend. They may even have a short list of DJs they would NOT recommend.
Make a list of the requirements that you're going to insist on in your contract with the DJ.

The exact amount of time you want music being played--even when it's softly in the background during diner--to ensure that there are no long deadly silences where guests start asking each other, What happened to the music?
Look for a contract that states hours that don't include set up and breakdown. For instance anywhere from $500 to $1,000 an hour for the DJ's performance. The lower hourly prices may not include equipment setup time or rentals. Is there an added fee for rental equipment or a sound man?
How many songs do they play in three hours? About 200 during the dancing hours, meaning one song per minute?
Make it clear if the DJ is also performing the duties of the Master of Ceremonies, because some DJs are not comfortable taking on the role of an MC. You might rather have the best man, maid of honor, a sibling or other friend take on the role of Master of Ceremonies, especially if the DJ is not good at pronouncing names he or she doesn't know.
Find out how amenable the DJ is to suggestions. The DJ may not respond well to a list you've printed off of Google, as they like to read the crowd.
The best DJs study the guests looking for clues: What kind of music makes them suddenly get up and dance? What songs do they sing along with? What songs do they raise their arms and move their hands and shoulders to?
If you don't want the DJ playing cheesy disco, make that clear: Be emphatic: No "Y.M.C.A." or "Macarema." If you don't want hip-hop during dinner, make that clear. The First Hour the DJ should play a little bit of everything; a variety, to find out what kinds of music people are gravitating towards that makes them swing their bodies, and then go stronger with that sound in the last hour.
Have a romantic playlist of memorable songs that are standards at weddings. Maybe include Aretha Franklin's "Respect." You get the picture.

The most important job of the D.J. is his or her talent in reading the room full of guests: Pick up on energy cues, go high, go low, go with the flow.

Happy to answer further questions here

or by text at #917-816-0800.

~Didi

GUEST ETIQUETTE DILEMMA: MODERNIST MANNERS
Creative Etiquette Solutions

GUEST ETIQUETTE DILEMMA: MODERNIST MANNERS

Our question is about a guest etiquette dilemma.

A lovely friend very graciously allowed us to stay in her apartment while she is away. She evidently left in a rush. On the nightstand is a bottle of lubricant. Should we (1) take it so she isn’t embarrassed, (2) put it in a drawer in the bathroom so she isn’t embarrassed, (3) do nothing, or (4) assume she’s a very thoughtful hostess who thinks of her houseguests’ every need?

–ES, Park City, Utah

I like (3), but go with (4)) and leave the container of lubricant in place. Except, of course, if you use quite a bit of the lubricant, then you'll need to replace it with a fresh container -- even if you can't find the exact brand -- beside the old one (unless the old one is all used up and you've thrown it out). Just the way you would replace a bottle of wine or champagne or a six pack of beer -- even if she left the lubricant for you as a welcoming present. Welcome her back.

That said, more importantly before you leave the apartment:

(1) fold all bed linens, towels, and dish towels that you've used neatly near, on top of, or next to the washing machine. If there's isn't a washing machine, find the laundry hamper or simply leave those linens neatly stacked at the foot of the bed.
(2) empty wastebaskets and don't leave garbage distilling in the garbage can, dispense of waste properly.

Not to worry if you can't replace the lubricant with the same brand.

Remember, if she's hip enough to leave her lubricant out in the open, then you shouldn't give this dilemma another thought unless you use it all up. Like drinking her wine or coffee, you replace when you use a noticeable amount.

~Didi

ENTERTAINING: HOST + GUEST — THE DINNER PARTY — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
Creative Etiquette Solutions

ENTERTAINING: HOST + GUEST — THE DINNER PARTY — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE

What happened to the dinner party? When did the dinner party become embarrassingly unfashionable?

–HT, New York, New York

Entertaining used to be all the rage until it became pretentious. These aren't the Dinner Parties Years of the eighties and nineties -- something that used to happen. Look at dining rooms. The dining room is more apt to be the home office of a start-up or den of a struggling writer. Lately, whenever I've been lucky enough to be asked for drinks or dinner it makes me feel really special to be invited out. There were times when I thought nothing of making a curry or chili on a Saturday to entertain thirty of forty people that evening, but, then as a working mother, entertaining three children on Saturdays was all I could manage.

Don't be intimidated by the popularity

of sophisticated TV chefs, and ...

you don't need a holiday to entertain friends sharing platters over plated courses.
Dinner for four, six or eight becomes easier with practice--the more times you handle the drill, the easier it gets.
For Holiday Cocktails, put out a ham with a variety of cheeses, breads and crackers and they'll all come--happy to snack off of festive paper plates!
When a guest offers to bring something, say, "Yes, please!"
If not a salad or dessert, then they know to bring a decent bottle of wine or a six-pack of craft-beer.
To host a party, you don't need a huge budget, just a slow-cooker for that bolognese sauce, chicken curry or turkey chili.
Google a good recipe and be sure you make enough for leftovers the next day. And remember: Doubling or tripling that recipe can be tricky when adding salt and spices, so hold back and season to taste in stages.

Personal note: Sometimes I long for those days when as a newly wed I made a Beef Bourguignon (stew) or a butterfly leg of lamb for six or eight guests. But I've discovered that one really doesn't have to follow a complicated French recipe, because everyone is sooooo damn happy to be entertained by friends.

When inviting up to eight guests call or text your invitation in advance and when they respond, "YES! YES!"
Follow up with the time and a mention of what you'll be serving, as someone will be either allergic to seafood, or doesn't eat meat, gluten, sugar, dairy, etc. Then you'll know to add a veggie casserole to your menu.
You needn't drastically alter your menu, because picky eaters know to snack ahead of time--and are adept at pushing their food around the plate to make it look as though they've enjoyed the food.

Choose Your Style

In keeping with the season and climate, narrow the style of your dinner or cocktail party down to informal, more formal, or formal. Let's choose the less formal:

Informal/Casual: no ties (dress code) or tablecloth (tabletop); drinks and canapes/snacks (cocktails) followed by a two to three courses buffet style -- perhaps seated in the kitchen -- dinner of lasagne or risotto, salad, bread and large paper napkins. Make the formality somewhere between a kitchen supper and a seated dinner.
But when there's a guest's birthday, engagement, or promotion to toast, for dessert serve cake and champagne or Prosecco in old-fashioned, mismatched champagne glasses (from your local thrift shop) or flute glasses from Anthropologie.

TIPS FOR HOSTING

Invite the person during a phone conversation or by text when organizing a dinner party, because you want every guest to

feel really special. That's your number one job as a host, and don't forget it (even if you hugely dislike your brother's girlfriend). Every guest is important and if a guest is bringing a date, you want to know the date's name, and a tidbit about them that will make it easy for you to introduce him or her and seat them beside a sympatico guest.
Give the invitee a deadline as to when to get back to you with a 'yes' or a 'no,' and how many to expect (just the invitee or will there be 2 of you total?), because there may well be someone else you'd like to invite (but don't say that). You don't want no-shows, especially since you'll be setting the table ahead of time. Say, "Can you, please, let me know by Friday the 10th, if you can come for dinner on the 20th?"
Make it clear that you're cooking dinner and will be expecting them to show up-- and you're not just ordering take out when they decide to show up.
Depending upon how soon out your invitation for dinner was extended, follow up your phone call or text with a reminder a couple of days ahead of time: "Looking forward to having you both (or you and George) for dinner Saturday night, please come at 7:30." You might add, "we're having a roast." In other words, let them know it is not burgers on the grille for when they show up (unless, of course, you will be grilling).
When you know the guest is really really fussy about what s/he drinks and eats, suggest they bring a beverage, and do ask about food allergies.

TIPS FOR GUESTS

Regret, by declining the invitation: When an invitation doesn't feel special enough for you: don't accept, because you'll probably end up as a no-show, if a better invitation comes along (and that's really rude); or regret if you know you'll be really really late, because you're attending another event first (which is equally rude when the cook is timing dinner).
Get back to the host in a timely fashion with a call or text with your YES or NO within 48 hours.
Accept or decline promptly: When Accepting: state who, exactly, you're accepting for: "Janet will be out of town on business, so it'll just be me flying solo," or "I'm bringing my latest crush Hugo, if that's alright." Add a tidbit about Hugo, so your host knows something about him that might be of interest to the assemblage of guests. A good guest just doesn't randomly bring their own guest without clearing it with the host ahead of time -- even if your plus one is a dog.
Verify the time you're expected.
When you're running late, phone ahead, which will allow the host to hold dinner for your arrival, or simply insist that the host starts serving dinner without you.
Ahead of time, offer to bring a beverage or a "dish" meaning a dessert or a hummus and chips for the cocktail hour. However, if you've offered to buy or make the dessert, you better not forget your obligation.
Don't fret about a HOSTESS GIFT, bring a good bottle of wine or six-pack of craft-beer.
Be a self-sustaining guest. Find out where to leave your coat tucking your phone into a pocket or simply turn it off. Ask what you can do to help out, or offer to: Help pass smacks, make drinks, light the candles, put on the music, clear the table or fill the wine glasses.
Most importantly, introduce yourself to every guest that you don't already know.
When there is a guest you don't like, make a beeline for him or her first and get it over with. Once you've been polite, you're not duty-bound to talk to that person beyond that.

Hosting a Postmodern Dinner Party -- that's a super-casual dinner ...

Host Dos and Don'ts

Do phone or text potential guests at least ten days ahead of time (time permitting) to invite your core group.

Do prep in advance so you can spend time with your guests.

Do use a slow-cooker for slow-roasted meat or stew ahead of time.

Don't serve individual chicken breasts.

Do serve a fun salad (in winter Boston lettuce with bites of pink grapefruit) and one veggie.

Don't serve meat with two veggies.

Do stock up on extra booze.

Don't expect everyone will drink only a half a bottle of wine each.

Do serve olives, nuts, chips + salsa or hummus during the cocktail hour.

Don't offer crackers or chips large enough to double-dip or you'll create bacteria hysteria.

Do suggest a festive signature drink upon their arrival (Campari+soda, Aperol+Prosecco (or splash of soda), with a sliver of orange.

Do pass dark coffee and chocolate when not serving dessert.

Do use a playlist of jazz or soul and be sure music is playing when the first guest arrives.

Do have fun assigning the *seating with impromptu place cards (after mapping it out on a piece of paper ahead of time) to avoid a muddle when there are eight or more to be seated. Guests feel especially special when they see their name at a place setting.

Do not usher your guests out before midnight.

Do suggest smoking in a designated area--such as the back porch.

*Seating guests well is as important as it is tricky. If seating boy-girl-boy-girl works, that's fine, if you can arrange it so men aren't directly seated across from each other and women aren't seated directly across from each other. But if that doesn't work (such as when seating eight), at least don't seat couples together. Couples seated as singles will be more lively if they're not seated with the person they see all the time.

Guest Dos + Don'ts

Do not ask who else is invited. It's extremely rude. Be surprised.

Do accept or decline an invitation immediately.

Don't arrive at the appointed time, but exactly 15 minutes later because your host is getting dressed.

Don't bring a bottle of wine that costs less than $15.

Do turn off your phone.

Don't offer to help and wander off.

Do hold your tongue and don't offer cooking tips: too many cooks, too many cooks to blame.

Do talk politics, sex and death.

Don't talk family, houses, apartments and cars.

Do talk to the person on your right and left equally.

Do show your appreciation with a phone call, or send an email or text, before noon the next day (just kidding).

Don't Instagram the host's guests or dinner table without consent.

Don't bring flowers that need a vase or wine that needs decanting.

Do leave your emotional baggage at the door: bickering couples need not accept.

Savvy, relaxed, generous hosting has and always will be The Thing we still value highest when socializing -- the warm and delightful atmosphere of an evening savoring good food and participating in fun conversation.

Every guest is special and no one should feel trapped by good manners.

Cooking for family and friends is about as personal as it gets.

At the end of the evening, ultimately nobody will care about the cooking -- the menu was a mere frame work for social interaction, like a play staged in three acts. So if you became stressed out cooking something you'd never cooked before -- let it go. Don't be too ambitious. Your guests might remember that they drank too much and laughed too loudly, but if the meal wasn't perfect, who cares?

A wonderful dinner party is about sharing food in a relaxed environment with no protocol or rules. It's about being informal and generous hospitality. Today's parties most often consist of feasting off of shared large platters of food that are spread over the table.

The age of the napkin ring is over.

Formal, classic dinners are over,

but casual cooking for friends

shows us a new set of dilemmas.

Don't want to cook dinner? There's always the option of just cocktails with cheese and crackers. Stay tuned.

~Didi

PHUBBING aka PHONE SNUBBING: THE SOCIAL FAUX PAS — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
Creative Etiquette Solutions

PHUBBING aka PHONE SNUBBING: THE SOCIAL FAUX PAS — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE

How do I convince my girlfriend to breakup with her phone? It’s a real bore. She’s constantly checking it even when it pings with a text she could read later. Since she doesn’t wear a watch, she says she needs to know the time when she sees me watching her check her phone.

She can’t sit through a full-length movie or have an uninterrupted conversation, let alone a night out alone just the two us! Not only that, but she gets upset with social media and group texts. Last night she went ballistic after discovering she had been left off of a group text even though she was told it was a mistake, and she couldn’t give up her anger!

With a glance she’ll throw me the old “mmhmm,” once in a while pretending she’s listening, but I hardly consider that a conversation.

It’s like there are three of us in our relationship! Any ideas?

–PK, Brooklyn, NY

Cellphones may not be an addictive substance but they definitely are a species-level environmental shock. The good news is, digital wellness is on it's way! There are many solutions in the form of new devices to help unhook the brain from the harmful routines of smartphone use. and hooking it on to other ways to spend time, such as reading a real book, practicing yoga, etc.:

"Light Phone" - sets limits on time-stealing apps.
"Digital Detox" packages - are available in luxury hotels ($295.)
Set up mental speed bumps by putting a scrunchie or rubber band around your phone to make you stop and think before using.
Or change the screen lock to one that asks three questions: Why now? What for? and What else?
Be alone with your thoughts and pay more attention to your surroundings instead of your phone.
Toss out apps that don't make you happy.
People who don't charge their phones in their bedroom, use them less.

Detox will make one more attentive to being present in the moment, and able to spend more time listening--and less easily distracted. They say the average person picks up their phone 50 times a day as a way of coping with boredom and anxiety. UGH!

How you go about telling someone

to try some of these remedies?

Try them yourself.

Start with agreeing to stop charging phones in the bedroom.
Take 24 hours during a weekend for a joint "trial separation" from your phone(s).
The next step is a get-away-weekend without your six-inch glass-and-steel rectangles.
Make a goal of one hour a day for cellphone use--perhaps picking up your phone only 20 times.
When suddenly finding yourself sucked into your phone--self-correct.

Remind yourself that life is what you should be paying attention to and not the magical object that can order cannabis delivered to your door at midnight.

Look people in the eye and listen when they talk.

What to say about the poor etiquette of phubbing:

Phubbing is snubbing the one you're with.
Hey, put down that cellphone! You're snubbing me!
Stop phubbing your partner.
Get it into your head that phubbing is a bad, modern-day habit.
79% say phubbing hurts their ability to interact with their partners.
Using a handset while with a partner undermines the quality of the relationship.
Researches say phubbing is a relationship buster up there with money problems, bad sex and having kids.
There are increasing numbers of people in long-term relationships that feel they must compete with their partner's smartphone for attention.
Are you a nomophobe (no-mobile-phone phobia)? Scared to be without your mobile phone?

RELATIONSHIP TIPS FOR PHONE ADDICTS

Keep the phone away from you on silent; for instance in a tote bag or backpack or up on a shelf.
When you feel you have to check on something legitimately important, give an explanation to your partner first and then check your phone.
Never be defensive when you get called out for technoference (the interference of technology in couple relationships)--it's somebody's way of telling you they'd like to connect in person.

Sorry you're feeling phubbed,

now do something about it, and

I don't mean installing a signal blocker

in your living room or bedroom.

~Didi

Very January
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Very January

A ‘very January’ time of year to you too! Love you all! A special huge, huge thanks to the many well-wishers and subscribers. I missed writing to you every day and now I’m back and wondering how you’re doing so far in 2019?

How are you? What holdover from the holidays is bugging you? How are you doing on those bloody resolutions?

Holiday Leftover Peeves

What’s still ticking you off about the holidays? Did you invite a guest to your holiday party who antagonized your friends with his pro-Trump rhetoric followed by rants about Obama’s birth certificate and “fake Hillary”? And you’re still apologizing to your friends that he offended?

Did your dog attack the holiday ham just as your guests were arriving?
Do you feel you have to write thank-notes to holiday party guests who brought you a hostess gift?
Did you receive a spectacular present from a colleague you didn’t give a present to, and how did you react?
Are you annoyed at our ‘forced hugging culture’ where everyone feels they have to give-a-hug-to-get-a-hug? Or do you think it’s cozy cool?
Did your famously misanthropic brother show up for dinner with a plus one and there was no place at the already over-crowded dinner table?
Did your brother-in-law forget to bring the promised dessert?
How did you manage to get that last staggering guest to go home?
How did you handle holiday “forced hugging”?

How are those resolutions going?

Is it O.K. to drop a resolution or two? Having one resolution seems quite enough. First off, I’ve taken my daughter’s advice and now start my day with a new ritual: I drink the juice of one lemon (hopefully organic) in a cup of freshly boiled water to help balance the organs, rid toxins and neutralize any acidity.

My fav word this month is ‘tidy’.

I’m attempting to adopt tidy into my everyday life in the hope of clearing out the clutter. Not just physical clutter like a yellowing copy of the New York Times the day after Obama’s inauguration (Wow, is he handsome!), but mental clutter. Some things cannot be fixed or changed. But you can tidy-up!

2019 Resolutions

To rediscover the difference between what I want and what I need. To have all I need and want all I have.
Eat new foods.
Never forget my shopping bags or list.
Do one thing every day that scares you (me). ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Read two books a month.
Be a better listener and stop interrupting.
Don’t let anyone tuck me into a “forced hug.”
Use “Thank You” more and “Sorry” less.
Be politically more responsible.
Clean up my manners.

Past Failed Resolutions — that I’ve given up on:

Saying that I’ll cook more–I hate the cleaning up.
Saying that I’ll walk more–I hate walking in the cold.
Saying that I’ll make new friends–I don’t pay enough attention to the ones I already have.
Saying that I’ll restart a gym membership–when I hate the smell of gyms.
Saying that I’ll write every day–some days I simple cannot.
Saying that I won’t eat as much chocolate–I love chocolate.

Resolutions I’ve totally given up making:

Get more sleep.
Be a better gardener.
Be more thrifty.
Wast less time on the Internet.
Loose weight.
Entertain more.
Exercise more.
Drink less wine, but better wine.
Eat less chocolate.

Catch us up on your pet peeves and Dos + Don’ts. I bet you’ve got plenty of them, because we do.

In closing, I’ll leave you with these words of Eleanor Roosevelt, once again, “Do one thing every day that scares you!”

–Didi, Newport, RI

~Didi

OFFICE PARTY DOS AND DON’TS
Creative Etiquette Solutions

OFFICE PARTY DOS AND DON’TS

What are the current office party dos and don’t? I’m a long way from Oregon where holiday parties are called Christmas parties and everyone ends up dirty dancing under the mistletoe and not showing up at the office the next morning. Now that I’m an officer at corporate headquarters I want to act the part even at the office party. Help this country hick assimilate.

–Socially Ignorant in Manhattan

We've put together guidelines for Office Party Dos and Don'ts for you, because whether you're dreading your first office party or you're a veteran party animal, office parties take on a different ambience and preparation takes a certain amount of thought and planning.

Gentlemen's Holiday Party Code

Do mange to pull yourself together with a fresh shave and haircut, and do pull up those socks.

Wear a collared long sleeve shirt, and if required, a freshly presses coat (jacket) and tie.
Shine those leather shoes.
Clip those nasty fingernails, floss those teeth and check for debris in your mustache and beard.
You think that nobody will notice the coffee stain on your shirt, but they will.

Office Parties are an observation deck for anyone hoping to climb higher on the corporate ladder.

Dress for the position in the company that you aspire to in the future. If your goal is to become management, dress the way your bosses dress.

*Don't wear white socks, unless you're a tennis coach.

*Do tuck in your shirt tails.

*Don't have sex with your boss. It very rarely leads to a raise or promotion. Or any married colleagues, because word always gets out.

Ladies' Holiday Party Code

*Do wear that red dress you bought for holiday parties, if it doesn't show too much bare skin.

After all, you don't want to be the object of a coworker's affections while auditioning for advancement in the company.

*Do be well-groomed, if you're not a rock star, cover the tattoos and go easy on the piercings, if you want to be taken seriously at your job and are planning, What's next for me?

*Don't get caught under the mistletoe giving or receiving a goodnight kiss.

Everybody's Dos and Don'ts

*Do make the office party a time for you to shine and take full advantage of the option to talk to people you don't talk to on a daily or weekly basis.*Don't bring a plus one, whether it's your sister or husband, you can see them another time, this is a chance to introduce yourself to people you want to meet or get to know better.

Bringing a plus one means you're either insecure or you aren't interested in widening your circle of associates so, circulate and socialize.

*Do be sure to snack before the party so you're not caught by your boss at the groaning board with a mouth too full to talk.

The snack will have coated your stomach if you've had too much to drink.
Pace yourself by drinking a glass of water before imbibing every alcoholic drink.

*Do keep on your feet and circumnavigate the party space. Seated and not on your feet will make you appear less approachable.

*Don't interrupt two people talking. Stand on the sidelines and wait to be recognized or encouraged to join in on the conversation.

Or find a grouping of more than two people.

*Do introduce yourself by sticking out your hand and saying, "Hi, Didi Lorillard, what's your name?" Even if think the person might know your name, make sure they do by introducing yourself. Repeat their name to them so you know you've got it straight.

*Don't shake hands longer than six seconds.

It can be annoying when someone starts pumping your hand.

*Do be sure your right hand isn't cold and wet from holding a drink, by keeping your drink in your left hand.

If your hands are naturally sweaty, brush your palms against your side to dry them.

*Don't forget good manners and introduce a loner into your group. It never costs anything to be polite.

*Do use people's names in conversation so that everyone in the group learns the names.

It's an especially polite thing to do when you're not sure who knows whom.

*Don't get stuck with a complainer. It's polite to move on and circulate after saying, "Hey, there's someone I promised to catch up with," and walk away.

*Do take the loner newcomer with you to the bar to refresh your drink and introduce him or her along the way and when you get there.

*Don't forget to thank the host or hosts for the party and remind them of your name and what you do, if you don't think they would remember you.

*Do respect the timeframe of the party. If it's over at eight o'clock, leave at least five minutes early. No one should be the last person standing at the bar.

*Don't gossip or say anything unkind about anyone as you never know who may be listening.

*Do be sure to get to work on time the morning after the party or they'll suspect that you're a drunk.

Act smart at an office party by asking your coworkers about themselves, their families, and holiday plans,
You can even use the opportunity to set up a work related conversation over lunch or on a call at another time.
Many of us simply don't enjoy talking shop at the shop while attending a social gathering, so ask for their calling card or offer yours to them. Look at theirs earnestly before making a comment and placing it on you or in your bag.

Do be a friendly guest but Don't publicly paw all over somebody -- no matter how well you know them or how much you like them. Most important:

Not everyone likes to be pawed over in public.
After the six second handshake, keep your hands to yourself.
Resting your hand on someone's shoulder or holding them around the waist at an Office Party could make the recipient of your affection feel extremely uncomfortable.
BroHugs should be fast -- as in the Obama hug.
Kisses are best stopped as a quick peck on the cheek.

~Didi

SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS — BRINGING HOME THE GIRLFRIEND
Creative Etiquette Solutions

SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS — BRINGING HOME THE GIRLFRIEND

Our son is bringing home his girlfriend of three months for Thanksgiving and I’m concerned about how to handle sleeping arrangements. She can stay in the guest room and he can be in his old room, but how do I say this without appearing stuffy? We’ve had no indication as to whether they’ve had sex or not, but we’ve met her once and liked her very much.

They’ll be with us for three nights and we don’t want them to feel that they have to sneak around. On the other hand, we don’t want them to assume that we think that they’re having sex. They are in their early thirties and he’s our only child so we haven’t come across the situation lately.

How do we discuss this with them without appearing judgmental or meddling?

–Fuddy Duddy Parents, Boston

Dear not-so Fuddy Duddy parents, your son and his friend are in their early thirties and he's bringing her home for the holidays. Assume they're having sex, but offer separate rooms -- if you happen to have a spare. Assume he'll leave his bag in his room and she'll keep her's in another room. Leave plenty of space to allow them to have privacy.

When your son comes in the door with his bag, say,"Your room and the guest room are both made up, so you can put the bags in both rooms, if you like." Acknowledging that they both can have private space during the long weekend will show your respect for their relationship. And that you're not necessarily assuming they are having sex.

Take the focus off the sleeping arrangements because they may be as apprehensive about their sleeping in your house as you are.
Don't take her to her room, let your son lead the way.
Tell her to let you know if she needs anything, such as more towels or bottled water.
Don't turn down the beds for them as a way of ordering them which beds to sleep in.
Let your son and his girlfriend choose where they sleep.
Remind them to help themselves to food and beverages.
Once they've settled in, make her comfortable by asking her if she has any food allergies and to be sure to tell you if there is anything she cannot eat.

Especially during the holidays -- when our roles as parents becomes especially stretched and stressed -- focus on making good lasting memories. Relax, light a fire, provide a leisurely breakfast.

Most importantly, be good memory makers, so that they'll wish to come home again.

Happy Holidays from,

~Didi

CHOOSING A MONOGRAM — Or Wedding Logo
Creative Etiquette Solutions

CHOOSING A MONOGRAM — Or Wedding Logo

How do we go about choosing a monogram or logo for our wedding stationery? One that we can use for the wedding invitation and other wedding stationery, as well as for our thank-you notes and letter paper or correspondence cards going forward.

–S+P, New York, New York

To S+P, when choosing a logo or monogram that reflects who you are, whether it's just for one of you or for you both as a couple, have fun with it in good taste. There are online companies to help you choose a monogram or logo, as well as those that will create one specifically for you.

This gold monogram (upper left) with the letter S entwined with a P represents the first letters of the last names of the bride and groom as they appeared on their wedding stationery and invitation.
Whether you choose to continue using the monogram or logo on letter paper or correspondence cards--or even linens and bar glasses--once you're married is something you can decide as time goes by.

Here are some of my favorite samples of monograms and logos we've recommend and used at Newport Manners & Etiquette that were created for various friends and clients.

This first monogram below with four initials represents a couple who use their own last names. The monogram forms a line of her first and last name initials followed by his (no middle initials).

As you can see, these monogram and logo designs, their shapes and colors, were created to reflect the combined personalities of the couple.

Start by going on to the websites of the various stationery greats such as Dempsey & Carroll and The Printery in Locus Valley, NY, etc. to get an idea of what speaks to you, what gives you that "It's us!" go-head feeling.
There are, also, excellent online stationers such as Paper Culture and Minted where you can choose a monogram free of charge.

For additional information, you are welcome to click on Ask Didi at the top of this Home page, and I'll give you an even more personalized response.

~Didi

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