Entertaining Archives - Newport Manners

COVID PROTOCOL WEDDINGS
Creative Etiquette Solutions

COVID PROTOCOL WEDDINGS

Didi, our question is how do we deal with COVID during our upcoming wedding weekend? We’re in the midst of planning our wedding and I’m a May bride, after a year long postponement because of Covid. We thought Covid was on the wane, but apparently it’s not.

Last night we were at a dinner party with ten other people and today we were told that one of the guests tested positive for Covid. Not only do we feel badly for this person, but now we’re worrying: What if one (or many) of our wedding guests test positive after our May wedding?

This Covid isn’t really going away! It’s too late to postpone our wedding again and, of course, there are all the deposits, etc. Please HELP us figure out how to handle this Covid menace.

Our families are all vaxxed and boosted, but we don’t know about our hundred, or so, wedding guests?

–May Bride & Groom, New England

Dear May bride and groom, thank you for your question about COVID wedding protocol.

Understandably, you are awfully concerned and we, of course, are hoping you both test negative now after the dinner party. Sadly, this is a major problem for many. You are not alone in your concern.

This is what I want you to do:

Two weeks before your wedding send out an email blast to all the guests on your wedding website who accepted your invitation to your wedding with this request under the subject COVID. "On your phone, please, send a photo of your CDC vaccine card to this number: _____ by such and such date" (before the first date of an event celebrating the wedding couple).
Then make it clear that on the day of the first wedding event they are attending (perhaps the welcoming party/rehearsal dinner), all guests have to report to the below address to be tested for COVID before joining the wedding festivities. At that time they will also be asked to show their actual CDC card.
Those who test negative will go forward on the guest lists for all the wedding activities. It's awful to have to do this, but in order to protect all of your guests testing negative, obviously, those who test positive won't be admitted. (In other words, they won't find a place card with their name on it.)

I know this sounds harsh, but it's a crazy world out there and there are those who think they'll never get COVID but, truth to tell: COVID is everywhere. You don't want your wedding to be known as the COVID wedding they went to in 2022 -- where even people vaxxed and boosted got COVID.

As you know, COVID variants keep evolving. The best you can do to ease your worries is to follow the simple safety protection procedures above. It will all be fine, when you both know that you've protected your family and guests to the best of your ability during this brutal pandemic. The rest is up to them -- your guests.

How do you politely handle the many various attitudes about COVID? You can't assume all your guests will comply. We've all learned a lot over the past two years about masking, testing, tracing and self-isolating, but not even one of the most protected people in the world, the Queen of England, is immune from COVID. As with all good manners, you want to minimize asking too much of your guests. By having clearly stated your concerns, your guests will know your concerns and will honor them.

I've not included mask wearing here because I think mask wearing should be up to the individual guest. By asking for a texted photo of the guest's CDC card and testing each and every guest under your wedding planner's guidance, you've set protocol for a wedding in the time of COVID.

Most of all, May Bride and Groom, you've got this! Our recommendations sounds brutal, but COVID is brutal. At least, you won't have photos of masked family and guests -- which would be your only other alternative, and which we would not recommend at this point in time.

~Didi

HOLIDAY PARTY MASK WEARING ETIQUETTE — EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE DURING OMICRON
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HOLIDAY PARTY MASK WEARING ETIQUETTE — EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE DURING OMICRON

Our question is about holiday party invitations, entertaining and mask-wearing.

Today is the day we had planned to send out our holiday party invitations and order a Vermont party ham, but we have no idea what to do because the new Omicron variant of Covid is spreading like wild fires in the USA, and we need to know how to party in this time of the Omicron variant? The usual suspects had been advised that we were hoping to continue our ritual holiday party – having suspended it the year before. Sadly, the biggest problem is that some potential guests are not fully vaccinated, many of whom travel around a lot. We invite mostly people from the neighborhood and close friends, but some commute into the city.

Dr. Fauci and the WHO say to only have small gatherings, mandatory mask wearing for those not vaccinating and good ventilation, and distancing. Well good ventilation isn’t possible with a fire burning in the fireplace, the thermostat up to 69 degrees, and the social awkwardness of asking people to wear a mask. We’re all sick of wearing masks. We can’t ask people to show us their CDC vaccine status and their most recent Covid test result! Do we wing it and have faith that anyone sick or who has been exposed decides not to attend our holiday party? Or do we simply call the whole thing off for another December? Everybody wants to party, especially the kids.

Do we go back to serious mask-wearing once again and trying to decipher muffled semi-audible voices? Don’t get me wrong our family is all into the everyday etiquette of mask-wearing. Once again, especially the children who are growing up knowing that the mask protects them. We don’t want to be responsible for spreading Covid with our good cheer.

–Linda, Greenwich, CT

Yes, Linda, unfortunately it is back to mask-wearing. The good news is that government imposed restraints actually relieve a lot of anxiety. There will always be those stubborn know-it-alls that need to take a stand. In an odd way, if you're a mask-wearer, it may annoy you that those non-compliant friends feel justified, but cut them slack, have empathy toward the non-mask-wearer.

The most important thing to remember is that we wouldn't have all the new variants Delta and Omicron if everyone in our community - and around the world - had gotten their vaccines and booster. After all, masks are not only protecting you from catching the virus they're depriving the virus of the opportunity to develop into a more harmful illness!

Panicking can only be counterproductive. Instead, take the new Omicron variant seriously. Vaccinating, masking, distancing, ventilating, hand washing, testing and distancing are key, so if you can't offer all that protection--all those safety measures--for your holiday guests, don't put out a party ham. Think of your party dips as Petri dishes ready to host a virus.

The sooner we accept that mask-wearing

is a fact of life, the sooner it becomes habit.

When you grab your car key and cellphone,

remember to take your mask and hand

sanitizer when you leave home.

~Didi

RESTAURANT DINING ETIQUETTE
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RESTAURANT DINING ETIQUETTE

My question is about restaurant dining etiquette. At a restaurant, is it considered rude to keep talking in front of the waiter when he brings the food or is it rude to interrupt the conversation?

–Fanny, France

Dear Fanny, Thank you for your most interesting question about restaurant dining etiquette. The people dining at the table have placed their orders and the waiter presumably knows who ordered what. In that case, don't interrupt an interesting conversation, after thanking your server when your plate has been laid down in front of you. If after laying down all the plates your server is still standing by the table, your server probably wants to know if there is anything else that needs to be brought to the table? A condiment, steak knife, another bottle of wine, more bread? In other words, you don't have to end a good conversation while politely interjecting a request or asking about an ingredient in your order such as an herb or other savory. It's important to always acknowledge those serving you to show that you appreciate their time and it is also important that you don't ignore a waiter who is trying to be helpful. On the other hand, it's just as polite to disturb the discussion as little as possible. As the host you might collectively ask your guests, "Does anyone need anything?" Opening up the conversation for the server to bring more wine or bread, for instance. Remember that the protocol in France (and in many countries) is that you would never call the server over to your table. You would never directly address the waiter saying,"Garçon," as you waved the waiter over.

Garçon is the french word for boy and these days one would never ever address a server using boy. A waiter is usually an adult.

It is the server's job to be alert; to sense and solve the concerns of your table. Make eye contact and with a slight nod to your server, they will come to your side so that you can ask for the check or another bottle of wine discreetly--without disrupting the conversation in full swing.

Thank you for your interesting question.

Happy to chat further.

~Didi

Doggie Dilemma: Friendship
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Doggie Dilemma: Friendship

Bonjour Didi,

First of all Bonjour! A conversation never starts in France without saying “Bonjour” first. A good European Manners Tip. I have a question for you!

What do you do when an ‘almost’ friend has painted a portrait of your dog and it is the worst painting you have ever seen. To boot, I have a collection of professional painters that have painted my Violette and they are hung in my long entrance hallway. I can’t hang this one. Honestly, not to hurt her feelings what do I do? I’m attaching a photo of my favorite painting of Violette to date.

–Cynthia, Uzès, France

Bonjour Cynthia, About your doggie dilemma. What a sticky situation to be in at the start of a new friendship. Believe it or not, people find themselves in this kind of a muddle more often than you could imagine. Especially with displays of framed photos. This is what you can do. When you know your new artist friend is coming to visit, beforehand, take down one of the paintings hanging in your long hallway and put it away. Replace it with the painting of Violette that you detest. After your new friend has gone home, hide her painting of Violette until her next visit, and rehang the painting that was there originally.

Alternatively, you could have a heart-to-heart conversation with your 'almost' new friend the artist. Ask her if she wouldn't mind spending more time on the painting of your dog. She would probably find it easier - and less time consuming - to simply paint a second painting of Violette. Then you could throw away the first painting.

Be sure to first tell your new artist friend exactly what you like about her painting of Violette, before detailing exactly what you don't like.
Even if that's a hard conversation to initiate.

Its difficult to be honest and nice at the same time, but if you commissioned the painting, you certainly have the

right to ask her for a better painting. Bonne chance!

~Didi

BLACK TIE OPTIONAL — WEDDING DRESS CODE
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BLACK TIE OPTIONAL — WEDDING DRESS CODE

I am from Florida and have been invited to a black tie optional wedding in Newport. The ceremony is at 1:30 pm and the reception is at 5:30 pm at The Bohlin. Am I supposed to wear 2 different dresses?

–MH, Florida

The dress code Black Tie Optional is rather confusing. You want to be dressed appropriately, and yet, not overdressed -- nor underdressed. Additionally, having the ceremony three to four hours earlier than the reception leads one to wonder if one needs to dress down for the ceremony and then hours later dress up for the reception: A two outfit wedding? That's thought provoking for most of the guests. The Black Tie dress code request asks all who identify as male to wear a tuxedo. In Newport we're a bit more laid back with the dress code Cocktail Attire being the most popular. Cocktail Attire is a step down from the dress code Black Tie Optional.

First off, I go to the website of the venue to look at recent wedding photos to get a sense of the formality of the facility. Is the reception taking place in a ballroom at one of the fancy mansions, or is it a more casual affair on one of the docks on the harbor?

Secondly, ask the bride or someone close to the bride about the length of the bridesmaids' dresses. If they are long, you can wear a long dress, if the dresses are short, you can wear short. If the reception is on a yacht then you wouldn't wear an evening dress and stiletto heels; you would wear a more comfortable outfit.

By looking at The Bohlin in Newport website (the company organizing the wedding you're attending) photos, you'll see that the wedding may be taking place on a very cool dock on the harbor front under a tent. Most likely not in a ballroom at one of the fancy mansions, for instance. You'll also notice in the photos that many of the men are wearing white (or khaki) trousers and navy blue (or colored) blazers, which is considered Cocktail Attire. Don't be deceived into thinking it is a very formal wedding by photos showing a formally dressed wedding party; the wedding party is overdressed so they stand out and look uniformed in the formal photos.

You would only be expected to wear a formal evening dress if there was to be a seated dinner (called a candlelight dinner) with a starting time closer to eight o'clock.

In a nutshell, you would not be expected to change into an evening gown for a 5:30 reception.

When in doubt wear a lovely cocktail dress or a long dress that is more casual than formal, but still of good quality and design.

Also, the wedding couple's wedding website should make note of the dress codes of the various events surrounding the wedding.

You say the invitation mentions that Black Tie is an option, so, again, you can assume that it is not the most formal of weddings.

Google the actual venue address for photos of recent wedding to see how guests are dressed at receptions at that location: for instance go to Rosecliff weddings Newport that caterers to the most formal weddings and then to the dockside terrace in the marina The Bohlin where more casual receptions are held.

Basically, that seemingly long period of time between the end of the ceremony and the start of the reception allows for wedding photos of just the wedding party.

If you go with a short dress, you can wear a hat to the ceremony, but not to the wedding reception; adding jewelry, such as dangling earrings for a more festive evening look at sunset.

Tip: You may be happy that you brought along a warm pretty shawl or stylish long sweater to Newport in late spring.

~Didi

QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS
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QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS

How do we do the social bubble distancing? We’re bored to tears isolating. We love each other and our kids but spending every hour of every day together is too much for too long. We’ve done the Zoomtini with grownup friends and FaceTime a lot with family, but we’ve had enough of screens.

How can we spend time safely with friends and extended family? It seems forced and awkward trying to put together a bubble with one or two other families. Our kids’ closest friends have always been other kids they’ve been spending time with commuting in the school bus, playing soccer, lacrosse or pick up basketball. Their friendships, for the most part, didn’t include parents, except for the parents we mainly saw at home games.

How do we initiate the suggestion to other families and how do we know who to invite? What happens if it doesn’t work out? Or if they reject our invitation to start a bubble? How can we be sure they follow as rigidly the same social distancing and hygiene rules? How do we safely have a healthy social life again? People say they are being super careful, but are they really?

–Jennie, Brookline, MA

Hi Jennie, thanks for your questions about Quarantine Bubbles Protocol, social bubbles and social pods.

The risk of gathering together during the pandemic will change as time goes by. Warm summer weather is here just in time to allow for quarantine bubbles and social pods.

A double bubble is where two households meet outdoors and agree to adhere to social distancing guidelines in order to increase social contact. Having a picnic in a public place or taking turns for pizza in your backyard are a start. A household picks one other group to socialize with until lockdowns are further relaxed.

The bad news: Close and numerous social interactions with friends may need to be limited until a vaccine is available to all, modeling shows, to eliminated a second peaking of COVID-19. Recent studies in the UK found that under optimistic assumptions, contacts may have to be limited to 5-10 a day outside the home, and if 10% of previous contacts were resumed we would be at risk of a second peak of the virus outbreak.

The good news: The prospect of being in a bubble can give your family something to look forward to. Try forming a quarantine bubble consisting of a group of people or families whose members have been safely isolating; people who can eventually begin hanging out with other extremely cautious groups, as long as everyone obeys safety guidelines and agrees to be exclusive. At least that's what many European countries are doing as they begin to ease their lockdowns.

For instance, in Belgium, "Two sets of four people make a 'corona bubble' who can visit each other's homes. No one else is allowed into the domestic social circle." Eventually that first bubbles enlarges as trust and caution become the normal.

The trick is to go in light heartedly but with facts, "Hey, do you and your family want to join us in our quarantine bubble?" Then you go into detail about the guidelines your family has been following, including mention of how many times a week you go to the grocery store or/and gym and explain the routines you follow. If they're interested, they'll respond by telling you their routines about ordering groceries online and doing curbside pickups. Then suggest a picnic in a public space to see how everyone behaves.

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work and there will be other people interested in being part of a bubble, with the objective of eventually enlarging the bubble. Make it clear that if it doesn't click, the friendships will peter out and it will be obvious that it's time to find other people.

Keep in mind:

Social bubbles allow some social contact, while continuing to limit the risk of further Covid-19 transmissions.
The goal is to get to level 3 where your household bubble can include people such as close family members, care-givers or someone who needs care.
Beware that if the number of deaths does not continue to drop or the average number of people infected for every Covid-19 case increases, people will then not be allowed to use the bubble scheme.
Two sets of four people make a "corona bubble," who can visit each others houses but there are no hugs or other physical exchange like kissing.
In Northern Island now six people from different households can meet outdoors as long as social distancing is practiced.
Your social bubble is the people you live with. With extreme caution you can manage adding to your bubble.
Anyone experiencing coronavirus symptoms, or who is at a higher risk, should not be in a bubble, and needs to self-isolate.

As part of your first discussion:

When do you go out? For what reason?
Do you where a mask?
Do you keep 6 feet away from others?
When are you communicating with family?
What happens if someone in the bubble has symptoms of Covid-19?
What questions do you ask others?
What is the process for entering a bubble?
How would we set up protocol and etiquette?
What would be the protocol and etiquette?

Three things every member of the bubble must keep in mind:

There is the possibility of extending the bubble.
The bubble doesn't have to be forever.
The bubble gives everyone something to look forward to.

~Didi

How To Work With A Wedding DJ
Creative Etiquette Solutions

How To Work With A Wedding DJ

How do we go about finding and working with a DJ? At weddings we’ve been to recently the music just didn’t seem right for us, and anyway, we wouldn’t want to have the same DJ for basically the same group of friends. Please advise us about how to find, hire, and work with a DJ. Like how much do we need to budget in for a DJ for our wedding this summer.

–Avery & George, Newport, RI

Hi Avery and George, your wedding coordinator could be your best bet on this. He or she knows your budget and your style. But still this is what you should know:

Look for an online wedding forum in the zip code where the wedding is taking place, but don't give out info about the date or location of the wedding, or you could get crashers. You're looking for information: DJs to interview, or not interview.
Get started now, because the best DJs may not be available if you procrastinate.
Don't go with a referral until you've actually talked to the references on the phone about what the wedding couple liked and didn't like about the DJ.
Make a short-list of DJ names and interview them. If you're lucky they'll tell you where they are working on a certain night and you can go to the bar or club and listen without getting personal.
When you narrow down your list of possibilities ask:

How many weddings has the DJ done in how many years? 100 in three years? 300 in five years?
How many songs does the DJ have in their repertoire 10,000 songs? 100,000 songs?

The venue where the wedding is taking place will have a list of contacts for DJs they've worked with in the past that they recommend. They may even have a short list of DJs they would NOT recommend.
Make a list of the requirements that you're going to insist on in your contract with the DJ.

The exact amount of time you want music being played--even when it's softly in the background during diner--to ensure that there are no long deadly silences where guests start asking each other, What happened to the music?
Look for a contract that states hours that don't include set up and breakdown. For instance anywhere from $500 to $1,000 an hour for the DJ's performance. The lower hourly prices may not include equipment setup time or rentals. Is there an added fee for rental equipment or a sound man?
How many songs do they play in three hours? About 200 during the dancing hours, meaning one song per minute?
Make it clear if the DJ is also performing the duties of the Master of Ceremonies, because some DJs are not comfortable taking on the role of an MC. You might rather have the best man, maid of honor, a sibling or other friend take on the role of Master of Ceremonies, especially if the DJ is not good at pronouncing names he or she doesn't know.
Find out how amenable the DJ is to suggestions. The DJ may not respond well to a list you've printed off of Google, as they like to read the crowd.
The best DJs study the guests looking for clues: What kind of music makes them suddenly get up and dance? What songs do they sing along with? What songs do they raise their arms and move their hands and shoulders to?
If you don't want the DJ playing cheesy disco, make that clear: Be emphatic: No "Y.M.C.A." or "Macarema." If you don't want hip-hop during dinner, make that clear. The First Hour the DJ should play a little bit of everything; a variety, to find out what kinds of music people are gravitating towards that makes them swing their bodies, and then go stronger with that sound in the last hour.
Have a romantic playlist of memorable songs that are standards at weddings. Maybe include Aretha Franklin's "Respect." You get the picture.

The most important job of the D.J. is his or her talent in reading the room full of guests: Pick up on energy cues, go high, go low, go with the flow.

Happy to answer further questions here

or by text at #917-816-0800.

~Didi

GUEST ETIQUETTE DILEMMA: MODERNIST MANNERS
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GUEST ETIQUETTE DILEMMA: MODERNIST MANNERS

Our question is about a guest etiquette dilemma.

A lovely friend very graciously allowed us to stay in her apartment while she is away. She evidently left in a rush. On the nightstand is a bottle of lubricant. Should we (1) take it so she isn’t embarrassed, (2) put it in a drawer in the bathroom so she isn’t embarrassed, (3) do nothing, or (4) assume she’s a very thoughtful hostess who thinks of her houseguests’ every need?

–ES, Park City, Utah

I like (3), but go with (4)) and leave the container of lubricant in place. Except, of course, if you use quite a bit of the lubricant, then you'll need to replace it with a fresh container -- even if you can't find the exact brand -- beside the old one (unless the old one is all used up and you've thrown it out). Just the way you would replace a bottle of wine or champagne or a six pack of beer -- even if she left the lubricant for you as a welcoming present. Welcome her back.

That said, more importantly before you leave the apartment:

(1) fold all bed linens, towels, and dish towels that you've used neatly near, on top of, or next to the washing machine. If there's isn't a washing machine, find the laundry hamper or simply leave those linens neatly stacked at the foot of the bed.
(2) empty wastebaskets and don't leave garbage distilling in the garbage can, dispense of waste properly.

Not to worry if you can't replace the lubricant with the same brand.

Remember, if she's hip enough to leave her lubricant out in the open, then you shouldn't give this dilemma another thought unless you use it all up. Like drinking her wine or coffee, you replace when you use a noticeable amount.

~Didi

ENTERTAINING: HOST + GUEST — THE DINNER PARTY — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
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ENTERTAINING: HOST + GUEST — THE DINNER PARTY — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE

What happened to the dinner party? When did the dinner party become embarrassingly unfashionable?

–HT, New York, New York

Entertaining used to be all the rage until it became pretentious. These aren't the Dinner Parties Years of the eighties and nineties -- something that used to happen. Look at dining rooms. The dining room is more apt to be the home office of a start-up or den of a struggling writer. Lately, whenever I've been lucky enough to be asked for drinks or dinner it makes me feel really special to be invited out. There were times when I thought nothing of making a curry or chili on a Saturday to entertain thirty of forty people that evening, but, then as a working mother, entertaining three children on Saturdays was all I could manage.

Don't be intimidated by the popularity

of sophisticated TV chefs, and ...

you don't need a holiday to entertain friends sharing platters over plated courses.
Dinner for four, six or eight becomes easier with practice--the more times you handle the drill, the easier it gets.
For Holiday Cocktails, put out a ham with a variety of cheeses, breads and crackers and they'll all come--happy to snack off of festive paper plates!
When a guest offers to bring something, say, "Yes, please!"
If not a salad or dessert, then they know to bring a decent bottle of wine or a six-pack of craft-beer.
To host a party, you don't need a huge budget, just a slow-cooker for that bolognese sauce, chicken curry or turkey chili.
Google a good recipe and be sure you make enough for leftovers the next day. And remember: Doubling or tripling that recipe can be tricky when adding salt and spices, so hold back and season to taste in stages.

Personal note: Sometimes I long for those days when as a newly wed I made a Beef Bourguignon (stew) or a butterfly leg of lamb for six or eight guests. But I've discovered that one really doesn't have to follow a complicated French recipe, because everyone is sooooo damn happy to be entertained by friends.

When inviting up to eight guests call or text your invitation in advance and when they respond, "YES! YES!"
Follow up with the time and a mention of what you'll be serving, as someone will be either allergic to seafood, or doesn't eat meat, gluten, sugar, dairy, etc. Then you'll know to add a veggie casserole to your menu.
You needn't drastically alter your menu, because picky eaters know to snack ahead of time--and are adept at pushing their food around the plate to make it look as though they've enjoyed the food.

Choose Your Style

In keeping with the season and climate, narrow the style of your dinner or cocktail party down to informal, more formal, or formal. Let's choose the less formal:

Informal/Casual: no ties (dress code) or tablecloth (tabletop); drinks and canapes/snacks (cocktails) followed by a two to three courses buffet style -- perhaps seated in the kitchen -- dinner of lasagne or risotto, salad, bread and large paper napkins. Make the formality somewhere between a kitchen supper and a seated dinner.
But when there's a guest's birthday, engagement, or promotion to toast, for dessert serve cake and champagne or Prosecco in old-fashioned, mismatched champagne glasses (from your local thrift shop) or flute glasses from Anthropologie.

TIPS FOR HOSTING

Invite the person during a phone conversation or by text when organizing a dinner party, because you want every guest to

feel really special. That's your number one job as a host, and don't forget it (even if you hugely dislike your brother's girlfriend). Every guest is important and if a guest is bringing a date, you want to know the date's name, and a tidbit about them that will make it easy for you to introduce him or her and seat them beside a sympatico guest.
Give the invitee a deadline as to when to get back to you with a 'yes' or a 'no,' and how many to expect (just the invitee or will there be 2 of you total?), because there may well be someone else you'd like to invite (but don't say that). You don't want no-shows, especially since you'll be setting the table ahead of time. Say, "Can you, please, let me know by Friday the 10th, if you can come for dinner on the 20th?"
Make it clear that you're cooking dinner and will be expecting them to show up-- and you're not just ordering take out when they decide to show up.
Depending upon how soon out your invitation for dinner was extended, follow up your phone call or text with a reminder a couple of days ahead of time: "Looking forward to having you both (or you and George) for dinner Saturday night, please come at 7:30." You might add, "we're having a roast." In other words, let them know it is not burgers on the grille for when they show up (unless, of course, you will be grilling).
When you know the guest is really really fussy about what s/he drinks and eats, suggest they bring a beverage, and do ask about food allergies.

TIPS FOR GUESTS

Regret, by declining the invitation: When an invitation doesn't feel special enough for you: don't accept, because you'll probably end up as a no-show, if a better invitation comes along (and that's really rude); or regret if you know you'll be really really late, because you're attending another event first (which is equally rude when the cook is timing dinner).
Get back to the host in a timely fashion with a call or text with your YES or NO within 48 hours.
Accept or decline promptly: When Accepting: state who, exactly, you're accepting for: "Janet will be out of town on business, so it'll just be me flying solo," or "I'm bringing my latest crush Hugo, if that's alright." Add a tidbit about Hugo, so your host knows something about him that might be of interest to the assemblage of guests. A good guest just doesn't randomly bring their own guest without clearing it with the host ahead of time -- even if your plus one is a dog.
Verify the time you're expected.
When you're running late, phone ahead, which will allow the host to hold dinner for your arrival, or simply insist that the host starts serving dinner without you.
Ahead of time, offer to bring a beverage or a "dish" meaning a dessert or a hummus and chips for the cocktail hour. However, if you've offered to buy or make the dessert, you better not forget your obligation.
Don't fret about a HOSTESS GIFT, bring a good bottle of wine or six-pack of craft-beer.
Be a self-sustaining guest. Find out where to leave your coat tucking your phone into a pocket or simply turn it off. Ask what you can do to help out, or offer to: Help pass smacks, make drinks, light the candles, put on the music, clear the table or fill the wine glasses.
Most importantly, introduce yourself to every guest that you don't already know.
When there is a guest you don't like, make a beeline for him or her first and get it over with. Once you've been polite, you're not duty-bound to talk to that person beyond that.

Hosting a Postmodern Dinner Party -- that's a super-casual dinner ...

Host Dos and Don'ts

Do phone or text potential guests at least ten days ahead of time (time permitting) to invite your core group.

Do prep in advance so you can spend time with your guests.

Do use a slow-cooker for slow-roasted meat or stew ahead of time.

Don't serve individual chicken breasts.

Do serve a fun salad (in winter Boston lettuce with bites of pink grapefruit) and one veggie.

Don't serve meat with two veggies.

Do stock up on extra booze.

Don't expect everyone will drink only a half a bottle of wine each.

Do serve olives, nuts, chips + salsa or hummus during the cocktail hour.

Don't offer crackers or chips large enough to double-dip or you'll create bacteria hysteria.

Do suggest a festive signature drink upon their arrival (Campari+soda, Aperol+Prosecco (or splash of soda), with a sliver of orange.

Do pass dark coffee and chocolate when not serving dessert.

Do use a playlist of jazz or soul and be sure music is playing when the first guest arrives.

Do have fun assigning the *seating with impromptu place cards (after mapping it out on a piece of paper ahead of time) to avoid a muddle when there are eight or more to be seated. Guests feel especially special when they see their name at a place setting.

Do not usher your guests out before midnight.

Do suggest smoking in a designated area--such as the back porch.

*Seating guests well is as important as it is tricky. If seating boy-girl-boy-girl works, that's fine, if you can arrange it so men aren't directly seated across from each other and women aren't seated directly across from each other. But if that doesn't work (such as when seating eight), at least don't seat couples together. Couples seated as singles will be more lively if they're not seated with the person they see all the time.

Guest Dos + Don'ts

Do not ask who else is invited. It's extremely rude. Be surprised.

Do accept or decline an invitation immediately.

Don't arrive at the appointed time, but exactly 15 minutes later because your host is getting dressed.

Don't bring a bottle of wine that costs less than $15.

Do turn off your phone.

Don't offer to help and wander off.

Do hold your tongue and don't offer cooking tips: too many cooks, too many cooks to blame.

Do talk politics, sex and death.

Don't talk family, houses, apartments and cars.

Do talk to the person on your right and left equally.

Do show your appreciation with a phone call, or send an email or text, before noon the next day (just kidding).

Don't Instagram the host's guests or dinner table without consent.

Don't bring flowers that need a vase or wine that needs decanting.

Do leave your emotional baggage at the door: bickering couples need not accept.

Savvy, relaxed, generous hosting has and always will be The Thing we still value highest when socializing -- the warm and delightful atmosphere of an evening savoring good food and participating in fun conversation.

Every guest is special and no one should feel trapped by good manners.

Cooking for family and friends is about as personal as it gets.

At the end of the evening, ultimately nobody will care about the cooking -- the menu was a mere frame work for social interaction, like a play staged in three acts. So if you became stressed out cooking something you'd never cooked before -- let it go. Don't be too ambitious. Your guests might remember that they drank too much and laughed too loudly, but if the meal wasn't perfect, who cares?

A wonderful dinner party is about sharing food in a relaxed environment with no protocol or rules. It's about being informal and generous hospitality. Today's parties most often consist of feasting off of shared large platters of food that are spread over the table.

The age of the napkin ring is over.

Formal, classic dinners are over,

but casual cooking for friends

shows us a new set of dilemmas.

Don't want to cook dinner? There's always the option of just cocktails with cheese and crackers. Stay tuned.

~Didi

PHUBBING aka PHONE SNUBBING: THE SOCIAL FAUX PAS — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
Creative Etiquette Solutions

PHUBBING aka PHONE SNUBBING: THE SOCIAL FAUX PAS — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE

How do I convince my girlfriend to breakup with her phone? It’s a real bore. She’s constantly checking it even when it pings with a text she could read later. Since she doesn’t wear a watch, she says she needs to know the time when she sees me watching her check her phone.

She can’t sit through a full-length movie or have an uninterrupted conversation, let alone a night out alone just the two us! Not only that, but she gets upset with social media and group texts. Last night she went ballistic after discovering she had been left off of a group text even though she was told it was a mistake, and she couldn’t give up her anger!

With a glance she’ll throw me the old “mmhmm,” once in a while pretending she’s listening, but I hardly consider that a conversation.

It’s like there are three of us in our relationship! Any ideas?

–PK, Brooklyn, NY

Cellphones may not be an addictive substance but they definitely are a species-level environmental shock. The good news is, digital wellness is on it's way! There are many solutions in the form of new devices to help unhook the brain from the harmful routines of smartphone use. and hooking it on to other ways to spend time, such as reading a real book, practicing yoga, etc.:

"Light Phone" - sets limits on time-stealing apps.
"Digital Detox" packages - are available in luxury hotels ($295.)
Set up mental speed bumps by putting a scrunchie or rubber band around your phone to make you stop and think before using.
Or change the screen lock to one that asks three questions: Why now? What for? and What else?
Be alone with your thoughts and pay more attention to your surroundings instead of your phone.
Toss out apps that don't make you happy.
People who don't charge their phones in their bedroom, use them less.

Detox will make one more attentive to being present in the moment, and able to spend more time listening--and less easily distracted. They say the average person picks up their phone 50 times a day as a way of coping with boredom and anxiety. UGH!

How you go about telling someone

to try some of these remedies?

Try them yourself.

Start with agreeing to stop charging phones in the bedroom.
Take 24 hours during a weekend for a joint "trial separation" from your phone(s).
The next step is a get-away-weekend without your six-inch glass-and-steel rectangles.
Make a goal of one hour a day for cellphone use--perhaps picking up your phone only 20 times.
When suddenly finding yourself sucked into your phone--self-correct.

Remind yourself that life is what you should be paying attention to and not the magical object that can order cannabis delivered to your door at midnight.

Look people in the eye and listen when they talk.

What to say about the poor etiquette of phubbing:

Phubbing is snubbing the one you're with.
Hey, put down that cellphone! You're snubbing me!
Stop phubbing your partner.
Get it into your head that phubbing is a bad, modern-day habit.
79% say phubbing hurts their ability to interact with their partners.
Using a handset while with a partner undermines the quality of the relationship.
Researches say phubbing is a relationship buster up there with money problems, bad sex and having kids.
There are increasing numbers of people in long-term relationships that feel they must compete with their partner's smartphone for attention.
Are you a nomophobe (no-mobile-phone phobia)? Scared to be without your mobile phone?

RELATIONSHIP TIPS FOR PHONE ADDICTS

Keep the phone away from you on silent; for instance in a tote bag or backpack or up on a shelf.
When you feel you have to check on something legitimately important, give an explanation to your partner first and then check your phone.
Never be defensive when you get called out for technoference (the interference of technology in couple relationships)--it's somebody's way of telling you they'd like to connect in person.

Sorry you're feeling phubbed,

now do something about it, and

I don't mean installing a signal blocker

in your living room or bedroom.

~Didi

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