• Stingy Host + Guest
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Stingy Host + Guest

I have a friend with a sailboat who uses it for entertaining. While he provides beer, water and soft drinks, he always expects his guest to bring the food and wine, which we have done many times. Another couple and I have had him over to our homes for dinner to reciprocate. We are wondering, would it not be polite for him to ask us out on the boat occasionally and not expect us to bring the food, especially since we have him over to our homes and don’t ask him to bring dinner?  Alex, Newport

–Alex, Newport

Not all sailors are good cooks. Have you ever cooked for friends on a sailboat? Cooking in a tiny galley is not easy. Your sailor friend probably thinks it is a thrill for his mates to come aboard for drinks and a sunset sail, but not being a foodie himself, he asks guests to bring food and wine in return. Next time ask your sailor friend for dinner, suggest he bring a couple of bottles of wine or two six packs. Be specific: a six-pack or Newport Storm and a six pack of Guiness; or a bottle of Chardonnay and a Cabernet Sauvignon.

~Didi

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  • Splitting the check
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Splitting the check

Recently I went out with another couple who are childhood friends and a guy we grew up with who is our buddy. It was a mini-reunion and they wanted lobster at an upscale restaurant. Even though I knew I couldn’t afford to pay a quarter of the bill, I wanted to go. Paying the same as the others who drank a lot more was a buzz kill. I would have been happy hanging out and only ordering a glass of wine, but it is a really nice restaurant. Is there any way around this without looking like a cheapskate?

–Kate, Newport

Next time, have a twenty-dollar bill in your pocket for your glass of wine. Tell the others ahead of time to order without you. Arrive late and say you're only having a glass of wine. Then, when the bill arrives, put down your twenty and say, "This is for my glass of wine, plus tip." My point is this: roundoff the cost of what you order, plus tip, and have a five, a ten, and a twenty in your pocket ready to pay for only what you ordered and approximately a twenty percent tip.

 

~Didi

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  • Copay Baby Shower
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Copay Baby Shower

I’m planning a baby shower for my coworker in a restaurant and the invitation has to include “pay for your own dinner.” How do I put that politely in the invitation? I’m looking for examples of how to say it in a nice way but I can’t find anything. Can you help me please?

–M.B., Manhattan

Under the RSVP information, add this line:  Separate Dinner Checks When you ask guests to pay for their own food and drinks, expect that they will spend less on the baby shower present. If all the guests are paying their own way, then they are essentially co-hosting the shower with you. Be sure to tell the waiter that there will be separate checks for everyone, but the guest of honor. To be considered a good host, you should probably pay for a couple of bottles of wine or a round of drinks for the table, as well as the new mother's dinner. When you talk to your coworkers, make it clear that you are 'organizing' the dinner, but not paying for all of it. Through word-of-mouth those coworkers will get the picture.  

~Didi

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  • Teenage thank-you note
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Teenage thank-you note

Is it necessary for a teenager to send a thank-you to the parents of the girl that invited her on a cruise, when she paid her own way?

–Name withheld, Providence, RI

Even though her way was paid, she benefited from the trip because it was organized by her friend's parent. She broadened her horizon, and she was chaperoned by the other child's parents (to some degree). It could be a thank-you card on which she writes a short heartfelt sentence thanking them for the opportunity and the memories. Exceptions would be: if the teen had a horrible experience on the cruise or if her own parent(s) were planning on reciprocating with a return adventure at another time. Should the teen balk, have her email, and not text, her thank-you note saying why she appreciated the cruise. Personally, I would use almost any teaching opportunity to encourage children not only to thank, but to prioritize making thank-you note writing a natural response of appreciation.  Socially, as well as in business later on. Studies show that polite people are more apt to get ahead in life and become leaders.

~Didi

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  • Awkward gift situation
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Awkward gift situation

We traveled to Cape Cod to stay with friends from our neighborhood in Texas last summer, who have a house there. They had given us a book on Cape Cod to prepare us for the trip. The awkward situation is that when they invited us back this summer, they must have forgotten, because they gave us the same book on the Cape, again, in anticipation of our second visit. Should we say anything? The only reason we would is because we would want someone else to be able to enjoy the book. Or should we say nothing other than lots of “thank yous” and keep the book?

–Andy S., Texas

There are those who would say nothing and those who would gently note that they were extremely grateful for the book--but that their hosts must have forgotten that they had also sent a copy last summer. Add that with their permission, you would be happy to donate the second copy to your local library. Use the latter when you suspect they might give you the same book a third time. In general, one doesn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but this situation is an exception.

~Didi

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  • Entertaining and tipping
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Entertaining and tipping

My husband and I recently hosted a clambake in Kennebuckport, Maine for 24 guests. There was an abundance of food — lobsters, steamers, mussels, hamburgers, hotdogs, clam chowder, and assorted salads and vegetables. Dessert and beverages, both alcoholic and nonalcoholic, were also served.
My question is this:  Is it proper etiquette for the owners of the inn to allow wait staff to help themselves to the buffet? There was ample food left over, and I certainly understand why the inn staff would enjoy the dinner. However, shouldn’t the inn owners have asked my husband and I before the wait staff filled their dinner plates?
Also, although we ordered 24 2 lb. lobsters, there were at least 6-7 uneaten. I respect our responsibility and obligation to pay the invoice in full, which, of course we did. However, wouldn’t it have been more polite for the inn owners to ask us about removing all the food from the buffet before doing so? And, wouldn’t it have been polite for the owners to offer to pack-up some of the leftovers, at least the items that would have stayed fresh for a few days? Our family is taking bets on your answers!

–Marybeth B., Location withheld

These are service industry questions. In your situation it is really about customer service satisfaction. You were disappointed. It would have been best practiced customer service for the inn keepers to have asked your permission before giving away your leftovers. You walked away with a salty taste in your mouth because the customer service wasn't up to your standards. You ordered 24 lobsters and other food for 24 guests. The inn keepers had to pay for those lobsters and accompanying food that you authorized them to purchase in advance. If you had asked them ahead of time to have any leftovers packaged up for you to take home, it is more than likely that they would have accommodated your request. One usually has to ask for a doggie bag. Think of your left behind leftovers as part of the gratuity for servicing your summer clambake. Customarily, in a restaurant, or for a catered party, the wait staff is fed before the guests arrive and they don't help themselves from the buffet before it has been taken down. Next time, you'll know to discuss the timeline for the feeding of the staff and the fate of the leftovers when finalizing your agreement with the inn owners. Set your boundaries ahead of time, and there will be no problems.

~Didi

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  • Houseguest from hell
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Houseguest from hell

Every summer we know to expect a bachelor house guest from the city who is very full of himself. He is the stingiest man I’ve ever met, but my husband puts up with him. He never brings a gift or offers to take us out, even if he’s brought his sulky daughter or Madonna-like girlfriend. They’re very particular about only drinking bottled water and only expensive black tea. Lipton won’t do. Without being mean to the child or the girlfriend du jour, how can I get more respect from this manner less man?

–H. B., Newport

Alert your husband that when the bachelor calls to invite himself for the weekend he should ask him to pick you up some Yellow Gold Tea Buds.

~Didi

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  • Potluck parties
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Potluck parties

How do we do a party on the cheap? We rented a beach house which costs so much rent, we can’t afford to party hardy.

–Allison and Eddy, Mattapoisett, MA

Send out an email to friends you wish to invite telling them you're planning a potluck party and to let you know if they want an invitation by return email. Once you get a response from half of your invitees, send a more detailed invitation inviting them to a cookout. List the names of the people who have said they might attend with a blank after their name to forward back to you with what you will bring. For instance:
  • Allison and Eddy: grilled local fish, corn on the cob, strawberry shortcake
Which one of the foods can you bring? Don't forget to bring whatever you drink
  • Wine
  • Beer
  • Cheese and crackers
  • Chip and dip
  • Hot dogs, buns + mustard
  • Hamburgers, buns + ketchup
  • Pasta Salad
  • Potato Salad
  • Coleslaw
  • Watermelon
  • Other
  • etc.

~Didi

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  • Hosting BYO Open Bar
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Hosting BYO Open Bar

I am planning my husband’s 50th birthday and will be providing food and beer. I know not everyone likes beer and it would be nice to have an open bar. Would it be appropriate to write the following on the invitation: “In lieu of a gift, please bring your favorite bottle of spirits to share!?”

–Sharon, East Greenwich

It would depend how many people attend the party and the quantity of hard liquor, wine and beer you expect to be serving based during the number of hours of the party. For a two hour party for twenty with cocktails and snacks you won't need as much liquor as you would if you were hosting fifty to a buffet dinner over the course of four hours. Have a talk with your local liquor store manager once you have a headcount. A good liquor store will take back any bottle that hasn't been opened or refrigerated (cold or ice damage paper labels).  That way you could buy a couple of fifths or liters of, say, scotch, vodka, rum and gin to have on hand.  A standard bottle of wine fills five ounces of wine in five glasses. Unopened, undamaged bottles could be returned the next day. If you encourage guests to bring their favorite bottles of spirits, you will have to provide mixers and recycled plastic glasses. Either way, whether it is BYOB, or not, you're going to have get a handle on how much liquor you'll have to be providing as well as mixers, ice and glasses. Do use your BYO request, but don't mention 'to share.' Have the gifts of hard liquor and wine placed on the bar. Then the invitation would read:  "In lieu of a gift, please, bring a bottle of your favorite spirit." Remember, a 'bottle' of hard liquor could mean a pint, a fifth, or a liter. For over 30 quests, you may want to enlist the help of a bartender, whose service can paid through a well-placed tip jar.

~Didi

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