Entertaining Archives - Page 2 of 19

CHOOSING A MONOGRAM — Or Wedding Logo
Creative Etiquette Solutions

CHOOSING A MONOGRAM — Or Wedding Logo

How do we go about choosing a monogram or logo for our wedding stationery? One that we can use for the wedding invitation and other wedding stationery, as well as for our thank-you notes and letter paper or correspondence cards going forward.

–S+P, New York, New York

To S+P, when choosing a logo or monogram that reflects who you are, whether it's just for one of you or for you both as a couple, have fun with it in good taste. There are online companies to help you choose a monogram or logo, as well as those that will create one specifically for you.

This gold monogram (upper left) with the letter S entwined with a P represents the first letters of the last names of the bride and groom as they appeared on their wedding stationery and invitation.
Whether you choose to continue using the monogram or logo on letter paper or correspondence cards--or even linens and bar glasses--once you're married is something you can decide as time goes by.

Here are some of my favorite samples of monograms and logos we've recommend and used at Newport Manners & Etiquette that were created for various friends and clients.

This first monogram below with four initials represents a couple who use their own last names. The monogram forms a line of her first and last name initials followed by his (no middle initials).

As you can see, these monogram and logo designs, their shapes and colors, were created to reflect the combined personalities of the couple.

Start by going on to the websites of the various stationery greats such as Dempsey & Carroll and The Printery in Locus Valley, NY, etc. to get an idea of what speaks to you, what gives you that "It's us!" go-head feeling.
There are, also, excellent online stationers such as Paper Culture and Minted where you can choose a monogram free of charge.

For additional information, you are welcome to click on Ask Didi at the top of this Home page, and I'll give you an even more personalized response.

~Didi

Hostess Gift — To Bring or Not To Bring A Gift
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Hostess Gift — To Bring or Not To Bring A Gift

My question is about the hostess gift.

I’m joining my girlfriend at her family’s summer home in Maine this week. This is my first visit up there and I wondered whether I should bring a hostess gift for her Mom.

I’m the only non-family member attending. The roster of attendees includes her Mom, her sister and brother-in-law and their kids, and her brother and sister-in-law and their son.

I’ve known the family for decades, but haven’t ever joined them on a family trip (and certainly not in this capacity, my girlfriend and I haven’t been seeing one another for that long).

Should I bring a hostess gift? I’d be grateful to hear your thoughts.

–Brandon

Hi Brandon,

The best hostess gift would be either a beautiful box of fresh chocolates -- handmade and packaged tastefully -- that you present upon your arrival, or send flowers. Casa Blanca white lilies are a summer celebrity in many houses. A bottle of fine wine always goes down well, but would be difficult to pack, especially if you'll be taking a plane.

House Guest Don'ts

You would not send or bring a hostess gift that would be a lingering reminder of your visit, because that would seem presumptuous so early in your relationship. For instance you wouldn't bring a nicknack, a mug, vase or coasters that they would be stuck with forever as a permanent reminder that you accidentally spilled red wine on the carpet or mistakenly knocked over a favorite vase.

Whether you're sure -- or not -- about your intentions of establishing a committed relationship, do send a thank- you note on your correspondence card or a thank-you card.

When choosing a hostess gift, take into consideration the length of your visit. If you'll be with the family for more than a night or two,plan on making yourself useful by being not only a self-sustaining guest, but a considerate one.

To help your hostess with the meal planning be sure to let her know exactly when you're departing.
If you've made plans to have a meal outside the house at any point during your stay, make your plans known to her so she's not expecting you and your girlfriend for that meal.
Learn the time-frame for meals so that you're present to sit down on time.

More Dos for Fitting In As A Guest

Before making a trip into town ask your hostess if there is anything you can pick up at the store for them: milk, butter, eggs, bread, dog food, paper towels.
Offer to help with meal preparations and jump in and help with the clearing and cleaning up. My guess is that you're not there to be waited on, but to see how you fit in.
It goes without saying that you would leave your phone in your room while dining with the family.
Offer to take out the garbage, clean the grill, walk the dog.
In this situation where there are children, play ball with them. Take them for a hike, bike ride, or a swim. Join in with impromptu board and card games.
The last morning of your stay ask your girlriend if you should strip your bed and take your sheets and towels to the laundry basket. Empty your wastebasket, take any glasses or bottles to the kitchen. In other words tidy up your room.
If you've been a guest for a period of time, during your visit seek out a local florist to have flowers sent to the house after your departure.
Lastly, no matter how long your visit, simply asking, "What can I do to help?" is a terrifically considerate gift, whether you've brought a material present with you or not.

The best gifts of all is to be a self-sustaining and helpful guest. Within the first two weeks after your stay, send a thank-you note or card reminding your hosts of the most memorable moment(s) of your visit,

~Didi

DATING ETIQUETTE — Ghosting, Orbiting + Haunting
Creative Etiquette Solutions

DATING ETIQUETTE — Ghosting, Orbiting + Haunting

Dating etiquette was quite different when I was a teen. I’m trying to keep up with what’s going on with my young teenager and her friends. My daughter’s friend (let’s call her Amy) had a date for her school prom with a boy (we’ll call Johnny) from a neighboring town. At the last minute Johnny backed out.

Johnny and Amy connected through my daughter on social media. It seemed to be an amicable friendship. Even though they never actually met in person, they messaged everyday for three months. Now Amy and my daughter are wondering what went wrong? How could Johnny break the date to go to the prom with Amy without offering an excuse?

How do we teach our teenagers to navigate dating on social media in a more civilized and polite manner?

–Alice

Believe it or not, just when we thought etiquette was dead, we have an new dating etiquette. There is an etiquette to orbiting. In case you didn't know, orbiting is the new ghosting. The manners of dating are ever-changing. The last I heard ghosting was the new thing in dating. From my point of view ghosting is quite rude and totally impolite. I hated writing about it. Readers complained that they were hurt after being dumped or ghosted with no way back. There is no etiquette as to how to repair a gap in a relationship. Until now. Perhaps now when people are orbiting they will be more considerate of other people's feelings.

In ghosting, which predates texting, you simply dump the person you were dating, courting or had previously had a crush on by going cold turkey and not answer texts or any kind of messaging. The dumper acts as though he/she never even knew the dumpee. Leaving the dumped to lick their wounds wondering what they did wrong. Too lazy, the wuss doesn't offer an explanation.

With orbiting it's all about the exciting anticipation of a date that may not actually ever be kept. It's risk aversion behavior. Orbiting is the current dating phenomenon.

There is no fear of obligation or commitment.
The heartbreak is allegedly less devastating when the relationship peters out -- drifts out of your orbit.
You circle round and round each other (much like wagging dogs sniffing each other in the park) through social media before making a decision as to whether to actually meet for the first time in person.
Or you return to the relationship you miss a lot.
It's self-protective.

When you discover that the other person follows you on Instagram and Snapchat and Likes and Replies to your Facebook posts, you know they're keeping you in their orbit. If he or she is always showing up at the top of your Instagram posts, you're in their orbit and they are in your orbit. Keeping tabs on the "Ha Ha," "Tee, hee," or "Awesome" in response to a tweet shows you're orbiting.

A common theme in online dating is keeping an eye on your options.
In the gay community orbiting is a diplomatic way of cultivating being part of the community.
People orbit when they are not ready to commit but don't want to totally eliminate contact because they might miss out on being able to reconnect going forward.
Dming on a post is a way of getting into another person's orbit.
Orbiting lets us keep tabs on people whether it's a platonic or romantic relationship.
Not texting someone back is as rude as not returning a phone call or answering an email.
On the other hand, if s/he's a narcissist, s/he'll be back -- so block him or her.

As you can see there are many nuances to dating. With the tap of one's fingertips we're in a world where simply opening an app allows us to find out what a friend or lover is doing daily.

Orbiting is creepy. Like stalking, so watch out. Especially if you've been ghosted and s/he's orbiting you. Block him or her.

Think about orbiting as simply a game of hide-and-seek. If someone once ghosted you and they're still spying on you through social media, they are haunting you. It sounds as though your Johnny either couldn't get a ride to the dance and was too embarrassed to use that as an excuse, or he saw something on social media that changed his mind about going to the prom. It could have happened the other way around.

Us this incident as an opportunity to teach empathy.
From time to time monitor your teen's Internet behavior in the hope that you don't find that s/he is wasting time orbiting, or is being hauntingly orbited by someone else.

~Didi

One Too Many Women — Relationships & Romance
Creative Etiquette Solutions

One Too Many Women — Relationships & Romance

Is it right to fall in love with two ladies at once?

–Oluwapelumi, Kwara, Nigeria

Thank you for asking about loving two women at the same time.

Since I'm not a priest or relationship therapist, my answer to your question about loving two women at once is based on manners and etiquette.

You probably feel like a fool for being romantically in love with two women at the same time, and feeling guilty that you're breaking some kind of rule or taboo.

A lot depends upon which woman you are the most committed to.
If you are married to one, work on that relationship first; don't see the other woman while you're trying to make a decision about the first woman.

Loving two people at the same time must feel overwhelming.

It is perfectly possible that you are capable of loving two women at the same time. Although, eventually you may start running out of energy and resources trying to please two women, and that could affect your health, as well as your bank balance.

Your two relationships may be at two different stages.

The first being a flirtatious infatuation, while the other has reached a more mature level.

Ask yourself:

If the table was turned and one of the women was romantically in love with two men and couldn't decide between two guys, what would you advise her to do?
How do you feel while imagining both of these women kissing other men?
Which woman would you not be willing to share with someone else?
What would you think if you knew one of the women was in love with someone else?
Is it about love or sex?
Are you really torn between two lovers or do you have your ego and love mixed up?

Occasionally, love comes knocking and you find yourself torn between two lovers. Best of luck.

~Didi

The Many Joys of Kisses and Kissing — Romance
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Many Joys of Kisses and Kissing — Romance

When I greet someone and they give me a smack on the cheek or a smooch on the lips I always wonder how that person knew what kind of kiss to give me. My partner doesn’t enjoy kissing, so my kisses with him are those of affection — more than passion.

–FS, Penobscot, ME

Described in a variety of words there are many kinds of kisses used in different types of relationships to express love, affection, peace, respect, friendship, romance.

The French have twenty words and the Germans use over thirty words for a kiss.
The physical act of kissing between two people consists of the combined sensitivity of touch, taste and smell.

There are a lot of reasons guys don’t kiss. Someone at some point, perhaps when as a kid playing Spin the Bottle or Post Office, or when he was a pimply teen, told him he didn’t know how to kiss.

Or that his kisses were too wet or not wet enough. Maybe he was repelled because he was too rough. He may know, or think, that he has bad breath.

Why ask me? It is you who should be so curious that you ask him — your boyfriend.

Opening up to you about kissing may well loosen his lips.

However, keep in mind:

Kissing is not universally accepted; there are parts of the world where it is taboo to kiss in public.
In some cultures lip-kissing is still banned.

~Didi

Why Valentine’s Day Matters
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Why Valentine’s Day Matters

Why do we celebrate Valentine’s Day? My boyfriend actually thinks it’s just an excuse for having to take me out to dinner. He says because it is not a public holiday it is merely a trick, a commercial contrivance.

–Stephanie, Providence, RI

Whether you have a SO or choose to fly solo, Valentine’s Day is a universal plea to embrace the love in your life. To open your heart and celebrate your closest relationships.

As one of the largest commercial holidays, the tradition of Valentine's Day has been celebrated for centuries, although, your boyfriend is correct, it isn’t a public holiday anywhere.

However, it is a holiday globally without celebrating any religion. Except in Palestine where Valentine’s Day is banned.

Saint Valentine became a martyr during the Roman Empire for marrying soldiers who were forbidden to marry. While in prison, after apparently healing his jailer’s daughter, Bishop Valentine sent her a letter shortly before his execution, signed “Your Valentine,” as a farewell.

In the 14th Century, the date of Saint Valentine’s execution became a day when couples would declare their love for each other by giving sweet treats, flowers, love letters and cards to their sweetheart.

In Chaucer’s “Parliament of Foules”, he wrote: “For this was on St Valentine’s Day when every bird cometh to choose his mate.” Leading a tradition of poets penning verses about Valentine’s.

In fact, Stephanie, if your boyfriend is feeling strong-armed about taking you out to dinner, then it’s up to you to give him a bit of sweetness in return. How about a box of chocolate covered espresso beans?

~Didi

Hosting A Glitch Free Dinner Party — Wining and Dining The In Laws
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Hosting A Glitch Free Dinner Party — Wining and Dining The In Laws

We invited my future in-laws for dinner. What is the procedure for a proper dinner party? They are very stiff and formal and coming from another culture, I need to know how to make a good impression. My fiancé says I have to relax, but I feel that everything I do will be scrutinized.

–Name Withheld, Jersey City, NJ

A. Hosting a glitch free dinner party is easier than you can imagine.

Start by creating your menu (if possible two weeks in advance).

Recreate a menu that you've had success with in the past.

Make a list of the ingredients you'll need for the evening.
Figure out what china, flatware, glasses, serving utensils and linens you'll use to set the table.
Don't forget candles and a centerpiece.

Once you start envisioning the picture of your dinner party in your mind, you'll feel less stressed.

Two days to go:

Two days prior to the dinner, be sure you have all of your ingredients.
Put your fiancé in charge of beverages, including wine other alcoholic beverages they might ask for.
He can also be responsible for ice, filling ice cube trays, and making a playlist.
Ahead of time, prepare as much as you can. A dip, dessert, soup can all be made the day before.
He or you should double-check with his parents to make sure you know exactly what time they plan to arrive.
It goes without saying that your fiancé would have given you the heads up about any dietary needs. For instance, if either of your future in-laws are watching their salt, sugar, or diary intake. If one is vegan, be sure to serve extra salad and vegetables.

One day to go:

The day before the dinner party, tidy up the rooms that your in-laws will see. If they're putting their coats in your bedroom, tidy it up. Whatever bathroom they'll be using should be pristine with fresh soap and clean hand towels.
Arrange the flowers for the centerpiece or in the living room.

Day of the dinner party:

In the morning, set your table and lay out on the kitchen counter all the utensils and equipment that you'll be using to make dinner.
Empty the dishwasher. Remove all garbage and anything in the wastebaskets.
If your fiancé is cooking with you, go over who will do what when.
Have your bar and snack area ready next. Cheeses should be room temperature, wine and beer chilled.

Two hours prior to your in-law's arrival:

Arrange the pots, pans and utensils needed for cooking.
Take out previously prepared foods so you know where they are and don't forget to put them on the table.
Place bottled water or a pitcher of water on the dining table.
Take a twenty minute break to get ready for the evening leaving your fiancé to welcome your in-laws should they arrive early.
Have him light the candles and start the playlist. Music will soothe your guests as they settle into the lovely scene you've created.

Seating:

Ahead of time, you'll have figured out what time you're seating the table and who sits where.
Your fiancé can do the seating, pulling out the chair to your right for his mother and motioning for his father to sit between you and his son facing his wife. (You never seat spouses next to each other.)
You would give the signal for everyone to start eating by picking up your utensil first after having placed your napkin in your lap.

On a personal note, once you get into the swing of having a dinner party, you'll develop creative ideas about how to garnish the plate of cheese with red grapes and and a stem of rosemary, or whatever.

Having color on every plate is important visually because it's more inviting than staring at a plate of bland looking food. Parsley, herbs, fruit, even edible flowers will perk up any table.
Working as a team, you'll be able to plan ahead as to who does what and when.
Don't get into the routine of waiting on everyone. Decide ahead of time, he clears while you plate the next course, or vice versa.

Important to know for the next dinner party and what to add to your wedding registry: While cleaning up after the in-laws are out the door, recap the evening.

What was good and what could have been better.?
Cast no aspirations.
Don't take it personally, because the two of you are responsible for the evening.
You might even make a list of utensils, linens, servicing pieces, etc. to add to your wedding registry.

~Didi

Shyness Is Old-Fashioned
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Shyness Is Old-Fashioned

My question is about how to help my girlfriend overcome her painful shyness.

My girl is extremely shy and fears people, she can’t even look me in the eyes but claims to love me so much to the extent of boasting to her friends that I’m hers … Is this normal, and is there a way I can help her boost her confidence??

–SF, Kenya, Africa

Thank you for your question about how to help your girlfriend overcome shyness.

Why not buy her a pair of hoop earrings to show off to her friends. When she wears them she may feel empowered with pride.

More importantly, talk to her. Tell her about your feelings for her.

Say that you want her to look you in the eyes when she speaks to you and to listen with her eyes when you are telling her something. She can break the habit of not making eye contact if you instill in her the fact that eye contact is a powerful way to communicate.

And that when she talks to someone she has strong feelings toward, she should back up her words with eye contact.

Eye contact is a kind of intimacy that develops over time when there is genuine trust on both sides.

My hunch is that she's shy about having sex. You can't assume from anyone's behavior that they are consenting to having sex.

Your girlfriend needs to feel safe about her feelings. Sex is performance based. She may not understand how to talk about sex or how to decide whether to consent or not.
You and she need a more nuanced understanding of consent. Verbal and visual signs are significant indicators. Talk about sex openly.
No subject should be off limits.

~Didi

Acknowledging A Tip
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Acknowledging A Tip

My question is about acknowledging a tip.

Having given a lot of tips over the holidays, is it fantasy to expect some kind of acknowledgement for having given those tips? I find it rude that people don’t have the good sense to say, “Thanks for the check (tip, money card)!”

A certain sense of entitlement has risen around tipping. Is there a graceful way to suggest that I would appreciate acknowledgement for the tip?

–JD, Provience

I like your question about acknowledging a tip.

Post holidays, the tip - no matter the amount - becomes the elephant in the room.

If you mailed the tip or gave someone else the tip to give to the recipient, then you can ask an indirect question and say, "I hope you received your tip in time for Christmas shopping."

Or directly say, "I'm checking to find out that you received my (cash) tip." Of course, checks can be tracked, but checking up on cash is perfectly acceptable to bring up in a jolly, ho, ho conversation.

When you don't pay the minimum wage, you cannot expect a thank you for a tip.

Most workers, whether they're paid at the very least the minimum wage or more, feel they are vastly underpaid. They may be uncomfortable about talking about money. Or fear that thanking you might give the signal that they are satisfied with their financial situation with you, when they are not.

~Didi

Why Not Get Your Etiquette Together and Act Grateful
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Why Not Get Your Etiquette Together and Act Grateful

What’s the drill on thank-you notes and returning a gift you don’t like?

Can I email words of thanks to people, or do I have to actually buy a box of thank-you cards to write out? Especially, when you haven’t asked for a gift or expected a gift and you don’t really like it?

Also, when your mom gives you a sweater made by a popular brand, do you have to keep it? Every year she gives me a sweater that I never wear, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

–EM, Newport, RI

Act grateful. Wow, not feeling vibes of gratitude here.

At least people were thoughtful to give you something! Grow up. Grownups send thank-you emails and texts to people they are on an email and text basis with. When acknowledging special gifts, that attractive box of thank-you notes comes in handy.

It is all about giving thanks. How you say "thank you" reflects your lifestyle and the sincerity of your appreciation. Find a motif that fits your soul, there are certainly a wide range out there whether you're feeling snowed-in, seeking shade under a palm tree or simply want to remind the giver of a Newport attraction.

If you don't like the gift and are having trouble exchanging it, call or text the person to say you would like to return the sweater for a different style, color, size -- or all three.

Make a list of who you want to thank and cross off the names as you send your thank-you.

~Didi

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