• GUEST ETIQUETTE DILEMMA: MODERNIST MANNERS
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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GUEST ETIQUETTE DILEMMA: MODERNIST MANNERS
Our question is about a guest etiquette dilemma.
A lovely friend very graciously allowed us to stay in her apartment while she is away.  She evidently left in a rush.  On the nightstand is a bottle of lubricant.  Should we (1) take it so she isn’t embarrassed, (2) put it in a drawer in the bathroom so she isn’t embarrassed, (3) do nothing, or (4) assume she’s a very thoughtful hostess who thinks of her houseguests’ every need?

–ES, Park City, Utah

I like (3), but go with (4)) and leave the container of lubricant in place. Except, of course, if you use quite a bit of the lubricant, then you'll need to replace it with a fresh container -- even if you can't find the exact brand -- beside the old one (unless the old one is all used up and you've thrown it out). Just the way you would replace a bottle of wine or champagne or a six pack of beer -- even if she left the lubricant for you as a welcoming present.  Welcome her back.
That said, more importantly before you leave the apartment:  
  • (1) fold all bed linens, towels, and dish towels that you've used neatly near, on top of, or next to the washing machine.  If there's isn't a washing machine, find the laundry hamper or simply leave those linens neatly stacked at the foot of the bed. 
  • (2) empty wastebaskets and don't leave garbage distilling in the garbage can, dispense of waste properly.
Not to worry if you can't replace the lubricant with the same brand. 
  • Remember, if she's hip enough to leave her lubricant out in the open, then you shouldn't give this dilemma another thought unless you use it all up.  Like drinking her wine or coffee, you replace when you use a noticeable amount.

~Didi

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  • ENTERTAINING: HOST + GUEST — THE DINNER PARTY — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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ENTERTAINING: HOST + GUEST — THE DINNER PARTY — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
What happened to the dinner party?  When did the dinner party become embarrassingly unfashionable?

–HT, New York, New York

Entertaining used to be all the rage until it became pretentious.  These aren't the Dinner Parties Years of the eighties and nineties -- something that used to happen.   Look at dining rooms.  The dining room is more apt to be the home office of a start-up or den of a struggling writer. Lately, whenever I've been lucky enough to be asked for drinks or dinner it makes me feel really special to be invited out. There were times when I thought nothing of making a curry or chili on a Saturday to entertain thirty of forty people that evening, but, then as a working mother, entertaining three children on Saturdays was all I could manage.

Don't be intimidated by the popularity

of sophisticated TV chefs, and ...

  • you don't need a holiday to entertain friends sharing platters over plated courses.
  • Dinner for four, six or eight becomes easier with practice--the more times you handle the drill, the easier it gets.
  • For Holiday Cocktails, put out a ham with a variety of cheeses, breads and crackers and they'll all come--happy to snack off of festive paper plates!
  • When a guest offers to bring something, say, "Yes, please!"
  • If not a salad or dessert, then they know to bring a decent bottle of wine or a six-pack of craft-beer.
  • To host a party, you don't need a huge budget, just a slow-cooker for that bolognese sauce, chicken curry or turkey chili.
  • Google a good recipe and be sure you make enough for leftovers the next day. And remember: Doubling or tripling that recipe can be tricky when adding salt and spices, so hold back and season to taste in stages.
Personal note:  Sometimes I long for those days when as a newly wed I made a Beef Bourguignon (stew) or a butterfly leg of lamb for six or eight guests. But I've discovered that one really doesn't have to follow a complicated French recipe, because everyone is sooooo damn happy to be entertained by friends.
  • When inviting up to eight guests call or text your invitation in advance and when they respond, "YES! YES!"
  • Follow up with the time and a mention of what you'll be serving, as someone will be either allergic to seafood, or doesn't eat meat, gluten, sugar, dairy, etc. Then you'll know to add a veggie casserole to your menu.
  • You needn't drastically alter your menu, because picky eaters know to snack ahead of time--and are adept at  pushing their food around the plate to make it look as though they've enjoyed the food.
Choose Your Style
In keeping with the season and climate, narrow the style of your dinner or cocktail party down to informal, more formal, or formal.  Let's choose the less formal:
  • Informal/Casual: no ties (dress code) or tablecloth (tabletop); drinks and canapes/snacks (cocktails) followed by a two to three courses buffet style -- perhaps seated in the kitchen -- dinner of lasagne or risotto, salad, bread and large paper napkins. Make the formality somewhere between a kitchen supper and a seated dinner.  
  • But when there's a guest's birthday, engagement, or promotion to toast, for dessert serve cake and champagne or Prosecco in old-fashioned, mismatched champagne glasses (from your local thrift shop) or flute glasses from Anthropologie.
TIPS FOR HOSTING
Invite the person during a phone conversation or by text when organizing a dinner party, because you want every guest to
  1. feel really special. That's your number one job as a host, and don't forget it (even if you hugely dislike your brother's girlfriend). Every guest is important and if a guest is bringing a date, you want to know the date's name, and a tidbit about them that will make it easy for you to introduce him or her and seat them beside a sympatico guest.
  2. Give the invitee a deadline as to when to get back to you with a 'yes' or a 'no,' and how many to expect (just the invitee or will there be 2 of you total?), because there may well be someone else you'd like to invite (but don't say that). You don't want no-shows, especially since you'll be setting the table ahead of time. Say, "Can you, please, let me know by Friday the 10th, if you can come for dinner on the 20th?"
  3. Make it clear that you're cooking dinner and will be expecting them to show up-- and you're not just ordering take out when they decide to show up.
  4. Depending upon how soon out your invitation for dinner was extended, follow up your phone call or text with a reminder a couple of days ahead of time: "Looking forward to having you both (or you and George) for dinner Saturday night, please come at 7:30." You might add, "we're having a roast." In other words, let them know it is not burgers on the grille for when they show up (unless, of course, you will be grilling).
  5. When you know the guest is really really fussy about what s/he drinks and eats, suggest they bring a beverage, and do ask about food allergies.
TIPS FOR GUESTS
  1. Regret, by declining the invitation:  When an invitation doesn't feel special enough for you: don't accept, because you'll probably end up as a no-show, if a better invitation comes along (and that's really rude); or regret if you know you'll be really really late, because you're attending another event first (which is equally rude when the cook is timing dinner).
  2. Get back to the host in a timely fashion with a call or text with your YES or NO within 48 hours.
  3. Accept or decline promptly: When Accepting: state who, exactly, you're accepting for:  "Janet will be out of town on business, so it'll just be me flying solo," or "I'm bringing my latest crush Hugo, if that's alright." Add a tidbit about Hugo, so your host knows something about him that might be of interest to the assemblage of guests.  A good guest just doesn't randomly bring their own guest without clearing it with the host ahead of time -- even if your plus one is a dog.
  4. Verify the time you're expected.
  5. When you're running late, phone ahead, which will allow the host to hold dinner for your arrival, or simply insist that the host starts serving dinner without you.
  6. Ahead of time, offer to bring a beverage or a "dish" meaning a dessert or a hummus and chips for the cocktail hour. However, if you've offered to buy or make the dessert, you better not forget your obligation.
  7. Don't fret about a HOSTESS GIFT, bring a good bottle of wine or six-pack of craft-beer.
  8. Be a self-sustaining guest. Find out where to leave your coat tucking your phone into a pocket or simply turn it off.  Ask what you can do to help out, or offer to:  Help pass smacks, make drinks, light the candles, put on the music, clear the table or fill the wine glasses.
  9. Most importantly, introduce yourself to every guest that you don't already know.
  10. When there is a guest you don't like, make a beeline for him or her first and get it over with. Once you've been polite, you're not duty-bound to talk to that person beyond that.
Hosting a Postmodern Dinner Party -- that's a super-casual dinner ...
Host Dos and Don'ts
Do phone or text potential guests at least ten days ahead of time (time permitting) to invite your core group.
Do prep in advance so you can spend time with your guests.
Do use a slow-cooker for slow-roasted meat or stew ahead of time.
Don't serve individual chicken breasts.
Do serve a fun salad (in winter Boston lettuce with bites of pink grapefruit) and one veggie.
Don't serve meat with two veggies.
Do stock up on extra booze.
Don't expect everyone will drink only a half a bottle of wine each.
Do serve olives, nuts, chips + salsa or hummus during the cocktail hour.
Don't offer crackers or chips large enough to double-dip or you'll create bacteria hysteria.
Do suggest a festive signature drink upon their arrival (Campari+soda, Aperol+Prosecco (or splash of soda), with a sliver of orange.
Do pass dark coffee and chocolate when not serving dessert.
Do use a playlist of jazz or soul and be sure music is playing when the first guest arrives.
Do have fun assigning the *seating with impromptu place cards (after mapping it out on a piece of paper ahead of time) to avoid a muddle when there are eight or more to be seated. Guests feel especially special when they see their name at a place setting.
Do not usher your guests out before midnight.
Do suggest smoking in a designated area--such as the back porch.
          *Seating guests well is as important as it is tricky.  If seating boy-girl-boy-girl works, that's fine, if you can arrange it so men aren't directly seated across from each other and women aren't seated directly across  from each other. But if that doesn't work (such as when seating eight), at least don't seat couples together. Couples seated as singles will be more lively if they're not seated with the person they see all the time.
Guest Dos + Don'ts
Do not ask who else is invited. It's extremely rude. Be surprised.
Do accept or decline an invitation immediately.
Don't arrive at the appointed time, but exactly 15 minutes later because your host is getting dressed.
Don't bring a bottle of wine that costs less than $15.
Do turn off your phone.
Don't offer to help and wander off.
Do hold your tongue and don't offer cooking tips: too many cooks, too many cooks to blame.
Do talk politics, sex and death.
Don't talk family, houses, apartments and cars.
Do talk to the person on your right and left equally.
Do show your appreciation with a phone call, or send an email or text, before noon the next day (just kidding).
Don't Instagram the host's guests or dinner table without consent.
Don't bring flowers that need a vase or wine that needs decanting.
Do leave your emotional baggage at the door: bickering couples need not accept.
Savvy, relaxed, generous hosting has and always will be The Thing we still value highest when socializing  -- the warm and delightful atmosphere of an evening savoring good food and participating in fun conversation.
  • Every guest is special and no one should feel trapped by good manners.
  • Cooking for family and friends is about as personal as it gets.
At the end of the evening, ultimately nobody will care about the cooking -- the menu was a mere frame work for social interaction, like a play staged in three acts. So if you became stressed out cooking something you'd never cooked before -- let it go. Don't be too ambitious. Your guests might remember that they drank too much and laughed too loudly, but if the meal wasn't perfect, who cares?
A wonderful dinner party is about sharing food in a relaxed environment with no protocol or rules. It's about being informal and generous hospitality. Today's parties most often consist of feasting off of shared large platters of food that are spread over the table.
The age of the napkin ring is over.
Formal, classic dinners are over,
but casual cooking for friends
shows us a new set of dilemmas.
Don't want to cook dinner?  There's always the option of just cocktails with cheese and crackers.  Stay tuned.

~Didi

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  • PHUBBING aka PHONE SNUBBING: THE SOCIAL FAUX PAS — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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PHUBBING aka PHONE SNUBBING: THE SOCIAL FAUX PAS — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
How do I convince my girlfriend to breakup with her phone? It’s a real bore. She’s constantly checking it even when it pings with a text she could read later.  Since she doesn’t wear a watch, she says she needs to know the time when she sees me watching her check her phone.
She can’t sit through a full-length movie or have an uninterrupted conversation, let alone a night out alone just the two us!  Not only that, but she gets upset with social media and group texts. Last night she went ballistic after discovering she had been left off of a group text even though she was told it was a mistake, and she couldn’t give up her anger!
With a glance she’ll throw me the old “mmhmm,” once in a while pretending she’s listening, but I hardly consider that a conversation.
 
It’s like there are three of us in our relationship!  Any ideas?

–PK, Brooklyn, NY

Cellphones may not be an addictive substance but they definitely are a species-level environmental shock. The good news is, digital wellness is on it's way! There are many solutions in the form of new devices to help unhook the brain from the harmful routines of smartphone use. and hooking it on to other ways to spend time, such as reading a real book, practicing yoga, etc.:
  • "Light Phone" - sets limits on time-stealing apps.
  • "Digital Detox" packages - are available in luxury hotels ($295.)
  • Set up mental speed bumps by putting a scrunchie or rubber band around your phone to make you stop and think before using.
  • Or change the screen lock to one that asks three questions: Why now? What for? and What else?
  • Be alone with your thoughts and pay more attention to your surroundings instead of your phone.
  • Toss out apps that don't make you happy.
  • People who don't charge their phones in their bedroom, use them less.
Detox will make one more attentive to being present in the moment, and able to spend more time listening--and less easily distracted. They say the average person picks up their phone 50 times a day as a way of coping with boredom and anxiety. UGH!
How you go about telling someone
to try some of these remedies?
Try them yourself.
 
  • Start with agreeing to stop charging phones in the bedroom.
  • Take 24 hours during a weekend for a joint "trial separation" from your phone(s).
  • The next step is a get-away-weekend without your six-inch glass-and-steel rectangles.
  • Make a goal of one hour a day for cellphone use--perhaps picking up your phone only 20 times.
  • When suddenly finding yourself sucked into your phone--self-correct.
Remind yourself that life is what you should be paying attention to and not the magical object that can order cannabis delivered to your door at midnight.

Look people in the eye and listen when they talk.

 
What to say about the poor etiquette of phubbing:
  • Phubbing is snubbing the one you're with.
  • Hey, put down that cellphone! You're snubbing me!
  • Stop phubbing your partner.
  • Get it into your head that phubbing is a bad, modern-day habit.
  • 79% say phubbing hurts their ability to interact with their partners.
  • Using a handset while with a partner undermines the quality of the relationship.
  • Researches say phubbing is a relationship buster up there with money problems, bad sex and having kids.
  • There are increasing numbers of people in long-term relationships that feel they must compete with their partner's smartphone for attention.
  • Are you a nomophobe (no-mobile-phone phobia)? Scared to be without your mobile phone?
RELATIONSHIP TIPS FOR PHONE ADDICTS
  • Keep the phone away from you on silent; for instance in a tote bag or backpack or up on a shelf.
  • When you feel you have to check on something legitimately important, give an explanation to your partner first and then check your phone.
  • Never be defensive when you get called out for technoference (the interference of technology in couple relationships)--it's somebody's way of telling you they'd like to connect in person.
 
Sorry you're feeling phubbed,
now do something about it, and
I don't mean installing a signal blocker
in your living room or bedroom.
 
 

~Didi

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  • Very January
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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Very January
     A ‘very January’ time of year to you too! Love you all! A special huge, huge thanks to the many well-wishers and subscribers. I missed writing to you every day and now I’m back and wondering how you’re doing so far in 2019?
     How are you? What holdover from the holidays is bugging you? How are you doing on those bloody resolutions?
Holiday Leftover Peeves
     What’s still ticking you off about the holidays? Did you invite a guest to your holiday party who antagonized your friends with his pro-Trump rhetoric followed by rants about Obama’s birth certificate and “fake Hillary”? And you’re still apologizing to your friends that he offended?
  • Did your dog attack the holiday ham just as your guests were arriving?
  • Do you feel you have to write thank-notes to holiday party guests who brought you a hostess gift?
  • Did you receive a spectacular present from a colleague you didn’t give a present to, and how did you react?
  • Are you annoyed at our ‘forced hugging culture’ where everyone feels they have to give-a-hug-to-get-a-hug? Or do you think it’s cozy cool?
  • Did your famously misanthropic brother show up for dinner with a plus one and there was no place at the already over-crowded dinner table?
  • Did your brother-in-law forget to bring the promised dessert?
  • How did you manage to get that last staggering guest to go home?
  • How did you handle holiday “forced hugging”?
How are those resolutions going?
 
Is it O.K. to drop a resolution or two? Having one resolution seems quite enough. First off, I’ve taken my daughter’s advice and now start my day with a new ritual: I drink the juice of one lemon (hopefully organic) in a cup of freshly boiled water to help balance the organs, rid toxins and neutralize any acidity.

My fav word this month is ‘tidy’.

     I’m attempting to adopt tidy into my everyday life in the hope of clearing out the clutter. Not just physical clutter like a yellowing copy of the New York Times the day after Obama’s inauguration (Wow, is he handsome!), but mental clutter. Some things cannot be fixed or changed. But you can tidy-up!
2019 Resolutions  
  • To rediscover the difference between what I want and what I need. To have all I need and want all I have.
  • Eat new foods.
  • Never forget my shopping bags or list.
  • Do one thing every day that scares you (me). ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
  • Read two books a month.
  • Be a better listener and stop interrupting.
  • Don’t let anyone tuck me into a “forced hug.”
  • Use “Thank You” more and “Sorry” less.
  • Be politically more responsible.
  • Clean up my manners.

Past Failed Resolutions —  that I’ve given up on:

  • Saying that I’ll cook more–I hate the cleaning up.
  • Saying that I’ll walk more–I hate walking in the cold.
  • Saying that I’ll make new friends–I don’t pay enough attention to the ones I already have.
  • Saying that I’ll restart a gym membership–when I hate the smell of gyms.
  • Saying that I’ll write every day–some days I simple cannot.
  • Saying that I won’t eat as much chocolate–I love chocolate.

Resolutions I’ve totally given up making:

  • Get more sleep.
  • Be a better gardener.
  • Be more thrifty.
  • Wast less time on the Internet.
  • Loose weight.
  • Entertain more.
  • Exercise more.
  • Drink less wine, but better wine.
  • Eat less chocolate.

Catch us up on your pet peeves and Dos + Don’ts. I bet you’ve got plenty of them, because we do.

In closing, I’ll leave you with these words of Eleanor Roosevelt, once again, “Do one thing every day that scares you!”

–Didi, Newport, RI

~Didi

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  • OFFICE PARTY DOS AND DON’TS
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OFFICE PARTY DOS AND DON’TS
What are the current office party dos and don’t? I’m a long way from Oregon where holiday parties are called Christmas parties and everyone ends up dirty dancing under the mistletoe and not showing up at the office the next morning. Now that I’m an officer at corporate headquarters I want to act the part even at the office party.  Help this country hick assimilate.

–Socially Ignorant in Manhattan

We've put together guidelines for Office Party Dos and Don'ts for you, because whether you're dreading your first office party or you're a veteran party animal, office parties take on a different ambience and preparation takes a certain amount of thought and planning.
  
Gentlemen's Holiday Party Code
Do mange to pull yourself together with a fresh shave and haircut, and do pull up those socks.
  • Wear a collared long sleeve shirt, and if required, a freshly presses coat (jacket) and tie.
  • Shine those leather shoes.
  • Clip those nasty fingernails,  floss those teeth and check for debris in your mustache and beard.
  • You think that nobody will notice the coffee stain on your shirt, but they will. 
Office Parties are an observation deck for anyone hoping to climb higher on the corporate ladder.
 
Dress for the position in the company that you aspire to in the future.  If your goal is to become management, dress the way your bosses dress.
 
*Don't wear white socks, unless you're a tennis coach.
*Do tuck in your shirt tails.
*Don't have sex with your boss. It very rarely leads to a raise or promotion. Or any married colleagues, because word always gets out.
 
Ladies' Holiday Party Code
*Do wear that red dress you bought for holiday parties, if it doesn't show too much bare skin.  
  • After all, you don't want to be the object of a coworker's affections while auditioning for advancement in the company.
*Do be well-groomed, if you're not a rock star, cover the tattoos and go easy on the piercings, if you want to be taken seriously at your job and are planning, What's next for me?
 
*Don't get caught under the mistletoe giving or receiving a goodnight kiss.
 
Everybody's Dos and Don'ts
*Do make the office party a time for you to shine and take full advantage of the option to talk to people you don't talk to on a daily or weekly basis.*Don't bring a plus one, whether it's your sister or husband, you can see them another time, this is a chance to introduce yourself to people you want to meet or get to know better.
  • Bringing a plus one means you're either insecure or you aren't interested in widening your circle of associates so, circulate and socialize.
*Do be sure to snack before the party so you're not caught by your boss at the groaning board with a mouth too full to talk.
  • The snack will have coated your stomach if you've had too much to drink.
  • Pace yourself by drinking a glass of water before imbibing every alcoholic drink.
*Do keep on your feet and circumnavigate the party space. Seated and not on your feet will make you appear less approachable.
*Don't interrupt two people talking.  Stand on the sidelines and wait to be recognized or encouraged to join in on the conversation.
  • Or find a grouping of more than two people.
*Do introduce yourself by sticking out your hand and saying, "Hi, Didi Lorillard, what's your name?"  Even if think the person might know your name, make sure they do by introducing yourself. Repeat their name to them so you know you've got it straight.
*Don't shake hands longer than six seconds.
  • It can be annoying when someone starts pumping your hand.
*Do be sure your right hand isn't cold and wet from holding a drink,  by keeping your drink in your left hand.
  • If your hands are naturally sweaty, brush your palms against your side to dry them.
*Don't forget good manners and introduce a loner into your group. It never costs anything to be polite.
*Do use people's names in conversation so that everyone in the group learns the names.
  • It's an especially polite thing to do when you're not sure who knows whom.
*Don't get stuck with a complainer. It's polite to move on and circulate after saying, "Hey, there's someone I promised to catch up with," and walk away.
*Do take the loner newcomer with you to the bar to refresh your drink and introduce him or her along the way and when you get there.
*Don't forget to thank the host or hosts for the party and remind them of your name and what you do, if you don't think they would remember you.
*Do respect the timeframe of the party. If it's over at eight o'clock, leave at least five minutes early. No one should be the last person standing at the bar.
*Don't gossip or say anything unkind about anyone as you never know who may be listening.
*Do be sure to get to work on time the morning after the party or they'll suspect that you're a drunk.
  • Act smart at an office party by asking your coworkers about themselves, their families, and holiday plans,
  •  You can even use the opportunity to set up a work related conversation over lunch or on a call at another time.
  • Many of us simply don't enjoy talking shop at the shop while attending a social gathering, so ask for their calling card or offer yours to them. Look at theirs earnestly before making a comment and placing it on you or in your bag.
Do be a friendly guest but Don't publicly paw all over somebody -- no matter how well you know them or how much you like them. Most important:
  • Not everyone likes to be pawed over in public.
  • After the six second handshake, keep your hands to yourself.
  • Resting your hand on someone's shoulder or holding them around the waist at an Office Party could make the recipient of your affection feel extremely uncomfortable.
  • BroHugs should be fast -- as in the Obama hug.
  • Kisses are best stopped as a quick peck on the cheek.

~Didi

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  • SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS — BRINGING HOME THE GIRLFRIEND
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS — BRINGING HOME THE GIRLFRIEND
Our son is bringing home his girlfriend of three months for Thanksgiving and I’m concerned about how to handle sleeping arrangements. She can stay in the guest room and he can be in his old room, but how do I say this without appearing stuffy?  We’ve had no indication as to whether they’ve had sex or not, but we’ve met her once and liked her very much.
     They’ll be with us for three nights and we don’t want them to feel that they have to sneak around. On the other hand, we don’t want them to assume that we think that they’re having sex. They are in their early thirties and he’s our only child so we haven’t come across the situation lately.
     How do we discuss this with them without appearing judgmental or meddling?

–Fuddy Duddy Parents, Boston

Dear not-so Fuddy Duddy parents, your son and his friend are in their early thirties and he's bringing her home for the holidays. Assume they're having sex, but offer separate rooms -- if you happen to have a spare. Assume he'll leave his bag in his room and she'll keep her's in another room. Leave plenty of space to allow them to have privacy.
 
     When your son comes in the door with his bag, say,"Your room and the guest room are both made up, so you can put the bags in both rooms, if you like." Acknowledging that they both can have private space during the long weekend will show your respect for their relationship. And that you're not necessarily assuming they are having sex.
 
  • Take the focus off the sleeping arrangements because they may be as apprehensive about their sleeping in your house as you are. 
  • Don't take her to her room, let your son lead the way.
  • Tell her to let you know if she needs anything, such as more towels or bottled water.
  • Don't turn down the beds for them as a way of ordering them which beds to sleep in.
  • Let your son and his girlfriend choose where they sleep.
  • Remind them to help themselves to food and beverages.
  • Once they've settled in, make her comfortable by asking her if she has any food allergies and to be sure to tell you if there is anything she cannot eat. 
Especially during the holidays -- when our roles as parents becomes especially stretched and stressed -- focus on making good lasting memories. Relax, light a fire, provide a leisurely breakfast. 
  • Most importantly, be good memory makers, so that they'll wish to come home again.
Happy Holidays from, 

~Didi

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  • CHOOSING A MONOGRAM — Or Wedding Logo
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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CHOOSING A MONOGRAM — Or Wedding Logo

How do we go about choosing a monogram or logo for our wedding stationery? One that we can use for the wedding invitation and other wedding stationery, as well as for our thank-you notes and letter paper or correspondence cards going forward.

–S+P, New York, New York

To S+P, when choosing a logo or monogram that reflects who you are, whether it's just for one of you or for you both as a couple, have fun with it in good taste. There are online companies to help you choose a monogram or logo, as well as those that will create one specifically for you.
  • This gold monogram (upper left) with the letter S entwined with a P represents the first letters of the last names of the bride and groom as they appeared on their wedding stationery and invitation.
  • Whether you choose to continue using the monogram or logo on letter paper or correspondence cards--or even linens and bar glasses--once you're married is something you can decide as time goes by.
Here are some of my favorite samples of monograms and logos we've recommend and used at Newport Manners & Etiquette that were created for various friends and clients.
  • This first monogram below with four initials represents a couple who use their own last names. The monogram forms a line of her first and last name initials followed by his (no middle initials).
As you can see, these monogram and logo designs, their shapes and colors, were created to reflect the combined personalities of the couple.
  • Start by going on to the websites of the various stationery greats such as Dempsey & Carroll and The Printery in Locus Valley, NY, etc. to get an idea of what speaks to you, what gives you that "It's us!" go-head feeling.
  • There are, also, excellent online stationers such as Paper Culture and Minted where you can choose a monogram free of charge.
For additional information, you are welcome to click on Ask Didi at the top of this Home page, and I'll give you an even more personalized response.  

~Didi

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  • Hostess Gift — To Bring or Not To Bring A Gift
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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Hostess Gift — To Bring or Not To Bring A Gift
     My question is about the hostess gift.
     I’m joining my girlfriend at her family’s summer home in Maine this week. This is my first visit up there and I wondered whether I should bring a hostess gift for her Mom.
     I’m the only non-family member attending. The roster of attendees includes her Mom, her sister and brother-in-law and their kids, and her brother and sister-in-law and their son.
     I’ve known the family for decades, but haven’t ever joined them on a family trip (and certainly not in this capacity, my girlfriend and I haven’t been seeing one another for that long).
     Should I bring a hostess gift? I’d be grateful to hear your thoughts.

–Brandon

Hi Brandon,
The best hostess gift would be either a beautiful box of fresh chocolates -- handmade and packaged tastefully -- that you present upon your arrival, or send flowers.  Casa Blanca white lilies are a summer celebrity in many  houses.  A bottle of fine wine always goes down well, but would be difficult to pack, especially if you'll be taking a plane. 

House Guest Don'ts

You would not send or bring a hostess gift that would be a lingering reminder of your visit, because that would seem presumptuous so early in your relationship.  For instance you wouldn't bring a nicknack, a mug, vase or coasters that they would be stuck with forever as a permanent reminder that you accidentally spilled red wine on the carpet or mistakenly knocked over a favorite vase.
  • Whether you're sure -- or not -- about your intentions of establishing a committed relationship, do send a thank- you note on your correspondence card or a thank-you card.
When choosing a hostess gift, take into consideration the length of your visit. If you'll be with the family for more than a night or two,plan on making yourself useful by being not only a self-sustaining guest, but a considerate one.
  • To help your hostess with the meal planning be sure to let her know exactly when you're departing.
  • If you've made plans to have a meal outside the house at any point during your stay, make your plans known to her so she's not expecting you and your girlfriend for that meal.
  • Learn the time-frame for meals so that you're present to sit down on time.

More Dos for Fitting In As A Guest

  • Before  making a trip  into town ask your hostess if there is anything you can pick up at the store for them:  milk, butter, eggs, bread, dog food, paper towels.
  • Offer to help with meal preparations and jump in and help with the clearing and cleaning up. My guess is that you're not there to be waited on, but to see how you fit in.
  • It goes without saying that you would leave your phone in your room while dining with the family.
  • Offer to take out the garbage, clean the grill, walk the dog.
  • In this situation where there are children, play ball with them. Take them for a hike, bike ride, or a swim. Join in with impromptu board and card games.
  • The last morning of your stay ask your girlriend if you should strip your bed and take your sheets and towels to the laundry basket. Empty your wastebasket, take any glasses or bottles to the kitchen. In other words tidy up your room.
  • If you've been a guest for a period of time, during your visit seek out a local florist to have flowers sent to the house after your departure.
  • Lastly, no matter how long your visit, simply asking, "What can I do to help?" is a terrifically considerate gift, whether you've brought a material present with you or not.
The best gifts of all is to be a self-sustaining and helpful guest. Within the first two weeks after your stay, send a thank-you note or card reminding your hosts of the most memorable moment(s) of your visit, 
 

~Didi

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  • DATING ETIQUETTE — Ghosting, Orbiting + Haunting
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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DATING ETIQUETTE — Ghosting, Orbiting + Haunting

Dating etiquette was quite different when I was a teen.  I’m trying to keep up with what’s going on with my young teenager and her friends.  My daughter’s friend (let’s call her Amy) had a date for her school prom with a boy (we’ll call Johnny) from a neighboring town.  At the last minute Johnny backed out.

Johnny and Amy connected through my daughter on social media. It seemed to be an amicable friendship. Even though they never actually met in person, they messaged everyday for three months. Now Amy and my daughter are wondering what went wrong?  How could Johnny break the date to go to the prom with Amy without offering an excuse?

How do we teach our teenagers to navigate dating on social media in a more civilized and polite manner?

–Alice

Believe it or not, just when we thought etiquette was dead, we have an new dating etiquette.  There is an etiquette to orbiting.  In case you didn't know, orbiting is the new ghosting. The manners of dating are ever-changing. The last I heard ghosting was the new thing in dating. From my point of view ghosting is quite rude and totally impolite. I hated writing about it. Readers complained that they were hurt after being dumped or ghosted with no way back. There is no etiquette as to how to repair a gap in a relationship. Until now. Perhaps now when people are orbiting they will be more  considerate of other people's feelings.
  • In ghosting, which predates texting, you simply dump the person you were dating, courting or had previously had a crush on by going cold turkey and not answer texts or any kind of messaging. The dumper acts as though he/she never even knew the dumpee. Leaving the dumped to lick their wounds wondering what they did wrong. Too lazy, the wuss doesn't offer an explanation.
With orbiting it's all about the exciting anticipation of a date that may not actually ever be kept. It's risk aversion behavior. Orbiting is the current dating phenomenon.
  • There is no fear of obligation or commitment.
  • The heartbreak is allegedly less devastating when the relationship peters out -- drifts out of your orbit.
  • You circle round and round each other (much like wagging dogs sniffing each other in the park) through social media before making a decision as to whether to actually meet for the first time in person.
  • Or you return to the relationship you miss a lot.
  • It's self-protective.
When you discover that the other person follows you on Instagram and Snapchat and Likes and Replies to your Facebook posts, you know they're keeping you in their orbit.  If he or she is always showing up at the top of your Instagram posts, you're in their orbit and they are in your orbit. Keeping tabs on the "Ha Ha," "Tee, hee," or "Awesome" in response to a tweet shows you're orbiting.
  • A common theme in online dating is keeping an eye on your options.
  • In the gay community orbiting is a diplomatic way of cultivating being part of the community.
  • People orbit when they are not ready to commit but don't want to totally eliminate contact because they might miss out on being able to reconnect going forward.
  • Dming on a post is a way of getting into another person's orbit.
  • Orbiting lets us keep tabs on people whether it's a platonic or romantic relationship.
  • Not texting someone back is as rude as not returning a phone call or answering an email.
  • On the other hand, if s/he's a narcissist, s/he'll be back --  so block him or her.
As you can see there are many nuances to dating. With the tap of one's fingertips we're in a world where simply opening an app allows us to find out what a friend or lover is doing daily.
  • Orbiting is creepy. Like stalking, so watch out. Especially if you've been ghosted and s/he's orbiting you. Block him or her.
Think about orbiting as simply a game of hide-and-seek. If someone once ghosted you and they're still spying on you through social media, they are haunting you. It sounds as though your Johnny either couldn't get a ride to the dance and was too embarrassed to use that as an excuse, or he saw something on social media that changed his mind about going to the prom. It could have happened the other way around.
  • Us this incident as an opportunity to teach empathy.
  • From time to time monitor your teen's Internet behavior in the hope that you don't find that s/he is wasting time orbiting, or is being hauntingly orbited by someone else.
 

~Didi

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  • One Too Many Women — Relationships & Romance
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One Too Many Women — Relationships & Romance

Is it right to fall in love with two ladies at once?

–Oluwapelumi, Kwara, Nigeria

 
Thank you for asking about loving two women at the same time.
 
        Since I'm not a priest or relationship therapist, my answer to your question about loving two women at once is based on manners and etiquette.
        You probably feel like a fool for being romantically in love with two women at the same time, and feeling guilty that you're breaking some kind of rule or taboo. 
  • A lot depends upon which woman you are the most committed to.
  • If you are married to one, work on that relationship first; don't see the other woman while you're trying to make a decision about the first woman.
Loving two people at the same time must feel overwhelming.
 
   It is perfectly possible that you are capable of loving two women at the same time. Although, eventually you may start running out of energy and resources trying to please two women, and that could affect your health, as well as your bank balance.
 
    Your two relationships may be at two different stages. 
  • The first being a flirtatious infatuation, while the other has reached a more mature level.
    Ask yourself: 
  • If the table was turned and one of the women was romantically in love with two men and couldn't decide between two guys, what would you advise her to do? 
  • How do you feel while imagining both of these women kissing other men?
  • Which woman would you not be willing to share with someone else? 
  • What would you think if you knew one of the women was in love with someone else? 
  • Is it about love or sex?
  • Are you really torn between two lovers or do you have your ego and love mixed up?
    Occasionally, love comes knocking and you find yourself torn between two lovers. Best of luck.

~Didi

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