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  • “NEWPORT ETIQUETTE”
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  • “NEWPORT ETIQUETTE”
  • ENTERTAINING: HOST + GUEST — THE DINNER PARTY — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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ENTERTAINING: HOST + GUEST — THE DINNER PARTY — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
What happened to the dinner party?  When did the dinner party become embarrassingly unfashionable?

–HT, New York, New York

Entertaining used to be all the rage until it became pretentious.  These aren't the Dinner Parties Years of the eighties and nineties -- something that used to happen.   Look at dining rooms.  The dining room is more apt to be the home office of a start-up or den of a struggling writer. Lately, whenever I've been lucky enough to be asked for drinks or dinner it makes me feel really special to be invited out. There were times when I thought nothing of making a curry or chili on a Saturday to entertain thirty of forty people that evening, but, then as a working mother, entertaining three children on Saturdays was all I could manage.

Don't be intimidated by the popularity

of sophisticated TV chefs, and ...

  • you don't need a holiday to entertain friends sharing platters over plated courses.
  • Dinner for four, six or eight becomes easier with practice--the more times you handle the drill, the easier it gets.
  • For Holiday Cocktails, put out a ham with a variety of cheeses, breads and crackers and they'll all come--happy to snack off of festive paper plates!
  • When a guest offers to bring something, say, "Yes, please!"
  • If not a salad or dessert, then they know to bring a decent bottle of wine or a six-pack of craft-beer.
  • To host a party, you don't need a huge budget, just a slow-cooker for that bolognese sauce, chicken curry or turkey chili.
  • Google a good recipe and be sure you make enough for leftovers the next day. And remember: Doubling or tripling that recipe can be tricky when adding salt and spices, so hold back and season to taste in stages.
Personal note:  Sometimes I long for those days when as a newly wed I made a Beef Bourguignon (stew) or a butterfly leg of lamb for six or eight guests. But I've discovered that one really doesn't have to follow a complicated French recipe, because everyone is sooooo damn happy to be entertained by friends.
  • When inviting up to eight guests call or text your invitation in advance and when they respond, "YES! YES!"
  • Follow up with the time and a mention of what you'll be serving, as someone will be either allergic to seafood, or doesn't eat meat, gluten, sugar, dairy, etc. Then you'll know to add a veggie casserole to your menu.
  • You needn't drastically alter your menu, because picky eaters know to snack ahead of time--and are adept at  pushing their food around the plate to make it look as though they've enjoyed the food.
Choose Your Style
In keeping with the season and climate, narrow the style of your dinner or cocktail party down to informal, more formal, or formal.  Let's choose the less formal:
  • Informal/Casual: no ties (dress code) or tablecloth (tabletop); drinks and canapes/snacks (cocktails) followed by a two to three courses buffet style -- perhaps seated in the kitchen -- dinner of lasagne or risotto, salad, bread and large paper napkins. Make the formality somewhere between a kitchen supper and a seated dinner.  
  • But when there's a guest's birthday, engagement, or promotion to toast, for dessert serve cake and champagne or Prosecco in old-fashioned, mismatched champagne glasses (from your local thrift shop) or flute glasses from Anthropologie.
TIPS FOR HOSTING
Invite the person during a phone conversation or by text when organizing a dinner party, because you want every guest to
  1. feel really special. That's your number one job as a host, and don't forget it (even if you hugely dislike your brother's girlfriend). Every guest is important and if a guest is bringing a date, you want to know the date's name, and a tidbit about them that will make it easy for you to introduce him or her and seat them beside a sympatico guest.
  2. Give the invitee a deadline as to when to get back to you with a 'yes' or a 'no,' and how many to expect (just the invitee or will there be 2 of you total?), because there may well be someone else you'd like to invite (but don't say that). You don't want no-shows, especially since you'll be setting the table ahead of time. Say, "Can you, please, let me know by Friday the 10th, if you can come for dinner on the 20th?"
  3. Make it clear that you're cooking dinner and will be expecting them to show up-- and you're not just ordering take out when they decide to show up.
  4. Depending upon how soon out your invitation for dinner was extended, follow up your phone call or text with a reminder a couple of days ahead of time: "Looking forward to having you both (or you and George) for dinner Saturday night, please come at 7:30." You might add, "we're having a roast." In other words, let them know it is not burgers on the grille for when they show up (unless, of course, you will be grilling).
  5. When you know the guest is really really fussy about what s/he drinks and eats, suggest they bring a beverage, and do ask about food allergies.
TIPS FOR GUESTS
  1. Regret, by declining the invitation:  When an invitation doesn't feel special enough for you: don't accept, because you'll probably end up as a no-show, if a better invitation comes along (and that's really rude); or regret if you know you'll be really really late, because you're attending another event first (which is equally rude when the cook is timing dinner).
  2. Get back to the host in a timely fashion with a call or text with your YES or NO within 48 hours.
  3. Accept or decline promptly: When Accepting: state who, exactly, you're accepting for:  "Janet will be out of town on business, so it'll just be me flying solo," or "I'm bringing my latest crush Hugo, if that's alright." Add a tidbit about Hugo, so your host knows something about him that might be of interest to the assemblage of guests.  A good guest just doesn't randomly bring their own guest without clearing it with the host ahead of time -- even if your plus one is a dog.
  4. Verify the time you're expected.
  5. When you're running late, phone ahead, which will allow the host to hold dinner for your arrival, or simply insist that the host starts serving dinner without you.
  6. Ahead of time, offer to bring a beverage or a "dish" meaning a dessert or a hummus and chips for the cocktail hour. However, if you've offered to buy or make the dessert, you better not forget your obligation.
  7. Don't fret about a HOSTESS GIFT, bring a good bottle of wine or six-pack of craft-beer.
  8. Be a self-sustaining guest. Find out where to leave your coat tucking your phone into a pocket or simply turn it off.  Ask what you can do to help out, or offer to:  Help pass smacks, make drinks, light the candles, put on the music, clear the table or fill the wine glasses.
  9. Most importantly, introduce yourself to every guest that you don't already know.
  10. When there is a guest you don't like, make a beeline for him or her first and get it over with. Once you've been polite, you're not duty-bound to talk to that person beyond that.
Hosting a Postmodern Dinner Party -- that's a super-casual dinner ...
Host Dos and Don'ts
Do phone or text potential guests at least ten days ahead of time (time permitting) to invite your core group.
Do prep in advance so you can spend time with your guests.
Do use a slow-cooker for slow-roasted meat or stew ahead of time.
Don't serve individual chicken breasts.
Do serve a fun salad (in winter Boston lettuce with bites of pink grapefruit) and one veggie.
Don't serve meat with two veggies.
Do stock up on extra booze.
Don't expect everyone will drink only a half a bottle of wine each.
Do serve olives, nuts, chips + salsa or hummus during the cocktail hour.
Don't offer crackers or chips large enough to double-dip or you'll create bacteria hysteria.
Do suggest a festive signature drink upon their arrival (Campari+soda, Aperol+Prosecco (or splash of soda), with a sliver of orange.
Do pass dark coffee and chocolate when not serving dessert.
Do use a playlist of jazz or soul and be sure music is playing when the first guest arrives.
Do have fun assigning the *seating with impromptu place cards (after mapping it out on a piece of paper ahead of time) to avoid a muddle when there are eight or more to be seated. Guests feel especially special when they see their name at a place setting.
Do not usher your guests out before midnight.
Do suggest smoking in a designated area--such as the back porch.
          *Seating guests well is as important as it is tricky.  If seating boy-girl-boy-girl works, that's fine, if you can arrange it so men aren't directly seated across from each other and women aren't seated directly across  from each other. But if that doesn't work (such as when seating eight), at least don't seat couples together. Couples seated as singles will be more lively if they're not seated with the person they see all the time.
Guest Dos + Don'ts
Do not ask who else is invited. It's extremely rude. Be surprised.
Do accept or decline an invitation immediately.
Don't arrive at the appointed time, but exactly 15 minutes later because your host is getting dressed.
Don't bring a bottle of wine that costs less than $15.
Do turn off your phone.
Don't offer to help and wander off.
Do hold your tongue and don't offer cooking tips: too many cooks, too many cooks to blame.
Do talk politics, sex and death.
Don't talk family, houses, apartments and cars.
Do talk to the person on your right and left equally.
Do show your appreciation with a phone call, or send an email or text, before noon the next day (just kidding).
Don't Instagram the host's guests or dinner table without consent.
Don't bring flowers that need a vase or wine that needs decanting.
Do leave your emotional baggage at the door: bickering couples need not accept.
Savvy, relaxed, generous hosting has and always will be The Thing we still value highest when socializing  -- the warm and delightful atmosphere of an evening savoring good food and participating in fun conversation.
  • Every guest is special and no one should feel trapped by good manners.
  • Cooking for family and friends is about as personal as it gets.
At the end of the evening, ultimately nobody will care about the cooking -- the menu was a mere frame work for social interaction, like a play staged in three acts. So if you became stressed out cooking something you'd never cooked before -- let it go. Don't be too ambitious. Your guests might remember that they drank too much and laughed too loudly, but if the meal wasn't perfect, who cares?
A wonderful dinner party is about sharing food in a relaxed environment with no protocol or rules. It's about being informal and generous hospitality. Today's parties most often consist of feasting off of shared large platters of food that are spread over the table.
The age of the napkin ring is over.
Formal, classic dinners are over,
but casual cooking for friends
shows us a new set of dilemmas.
Don't want to cook dinner?  There's always the option of just cocktails with cheese and crackers.  Stay tuned.

~Didi

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  • Why Not Get Your Etiquette Together and Act Grateful
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Why Not Get Your Etiquette Together and Act Grateful

What’s the drill on thank-you notes and returning a gift you don’t like?

Can I email words of thanks to people, or do I have to actually buy a box of thank-you cards to write out?  Especially, when you haven’t asked for a gift or expected a gift and you don’t really like it?

Also, when your mom gives you a sweater made by a popular brand, do you have to keep it? Every year she gives me a sweater that I never wear, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

–EM, Newport, RI

Act grateful. Wow, not feeling vibes of gratitude here.
      At least people were thoughtful to give you something! Grow up. Grownups send thank-you emails and texts to people they are on an email and text basis with. When acknowledging special gifts, that attractive box of thank-you notes comes in handy.
  • It is all about giving thanks. How you say "thank you" reflects your lifestyle and the sincerity of your appreciation. Find a motif that fits your soul, there are certainly a wide range out there whether you're feeling snowed-in, seeking shade under a palm tree or simply want to remind the giver of a Newport attraction.
If you don't like the gift and are having trouble exchanging it, call or text the person to say you would like to return the sweater for a different style, color, size -- or all three.
  • Make a list of who you want to thank and cross off the names as you send your thank-you.

~Didi

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  • Holiday Party Hostess Gift — Entertaining
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Do you have to bring a holiday party hostess gift to the host when you attend a Christmas party? Are we expected to bring a wrapped gift? We’re seeing that some people bring a gift, but not so many. Can I merely send a thank-you card from my partner and me?

–PT, Wilmington, DE

Here is the drill on the holiday party hostess gift. Keep to the spirit of the event. The next day send a holiday card adding a short hand-written note saying something such as this, "Dear Alice and Ted, We loved your party. Thank you for including us and introducing us to your many friends. Looking forward to seeing you both in the new year. By the way, we love your library and your wonderful book collection. The pheasant pâté was sublime. Again, thanks ever so much for sharing the joy of Christmas. Cheers, Charlie and Paul" Gifts are not required when you attend a holiday party. However, a thank-you note is a must. Even if that thank-you note is scribbled on the back of a Christmas or New Year's card. Or is delivered as an email. For those who have given you a hostess gift in the past, find small boxes of chocolates you can slip into your coat pocket to leave for the host; be sure to attach a tag with your name. Make it easy for your host: a small gift like that does not require an acknowledgment. 9843cf79bb587039b3a5c671dce9a481  

~Didi

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Best Houseguest Presents — Best Hostess Gifts

My recently divorced father and I have been invited to visit with his old college friends in New York City. We were going to stay in a hotel but they are insisting that we stay with them in their large apartment. What would be a good hostess present from a father and daughter to our hosts who have everything?

–NS, Barrington, RI

Send a white orchid plant from the greenhouses at Venamy Orchids, at venamy@orchidsusa.com, in Brewster, NY. They make two delivery trips a week into Manhattan and, despite a small charge deliver, the quality and cost of the plant far surpasses expectation. An orchid plant might be better than flowers if you don't know if they are going away after your stay. The orchid will still be in blooming when they return.
  • Orchid plants need little care; two ice cubes can be placed on top of the moss every two weeks.
  • Also, with flowers if you don't know their colors, they may be finicky about colors.
Handcrafted chocolates are also a huge hit. In that case you would arrive with the chocolates, perhaps from La Maison du Chocolat at 1018 Madison Avenue, online at lamaisonduchchocolat.us, where there are delicious assortments. initiation_2_1A coffee table book is also good, but it has to be of interest to your hosts. And, recently printed, such as BILL JACKLIN's NEW YORK. 9781857599671
  • As a houseguest you would arrive with something in your hand to present upon your arrival. A beautifully wrapped book or handcrafted chocolates are always welcome.
  • Orchids or flowers should be delivered.
If you decide on a floral arrangement, two of the best florists in New York City are Miho Kosuda, Ltd for exotic flowers from foreign countries and Belle Fleur, which uses only fragrant garden roses as opposed to warehoused roses. For a more conventional arrangement, Renny & Reed, at 505 Park Avenue, are well-known and well-respected.
  • The arrangement shouldn't be over-whelming in height or girth or be designed as a long centerpiece.
  • Ask for a coffee table or end table size.
Steer clear of giving tabletop linens that may not fit the decor, or the size of the table. Scented candles can also be tricky when your hosts are not keen on the scent of tuberose or patchouli. Also, wines, ports, and handcrafted bourbons are challenging. You don't want to make your host feel he has to open that expensive wine that doesn't jibe with the dinner menu.
  • In other words, if you don't know wines and spirits, or exactly what your host likes, don't guess.
  • For instance good friends bring my husband a bottle of handcrafted bourbon made in small batches because he really appreciates them.
The key to giving the perfect present is to give your host something they really enjoy and not something you think they should have. They like orchids, give them a splendid orchid, they like good bourbon, give them the best. It is also welcomed words to the host who is presented chocolates or wine to be let off the hook when the guest says, "Please, know that you can save this for another occasion."

~Didi

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This is about relationships. A good friend’s last remaining parent died and I’ve been trying to be as helpful as I can. Do I still need to write her a personal note? Or would that be just another note she’d have to acknowledge? Should I send her a condolence card or do I have to write a letter? She asked me if she needs to write to 150 people who ‘Liked’ the photo of her parent that she posted on Facebook to announce the parent’s death or can she just ‘Reply’ with a quick ‘Thank You’? If she thanked friends in person for their flowers at the funeral, does she still have to send a sympathy acknowledgement?

–EH, Boston

Handwriting is the most elegant form of communication in relationships. The whole exercise of expressive note writing whether in sympathy or gratitude -- even a few lines on a commercial condolence card and finding a stamp (who has those any longer?) -- is part of the mourning process. You can send your friend a handwritten note on your best stationery (even if its left over from your wedding) or a thoughtful greeting card. BillMiller59242542781T Trust me. It will make you happier to write her a note. In many instances, including that of the survivor, writing is cathartic for mourning. There is a de-escalation process where the survivor reciprocates, acknowledging in writing the death of their parent to friends and family; when she sends acknowledgement cards that include a short message she's accepting her grief. Expressing the loss of that relationship is therapeutic for the writer as well as the survivor Hopefully, these simple guidelines will make it easier to understand: With the case for handwriting your message, the evidence is evident. We now know from recent brain scan studies that early handwriting helps kids to learn how to read, and that keyboards don't have the same effect. Forming the letters with a pen/pencil enables children to break the code by producing more brain activity than merely viewing letters on a keyboard. There's more evidence that handwriting lecture notes, compared to typing on a laptop or iPhone, improves learning for college students.
  • The gratitude letter that your friend would be writing in return is positive psychology. It is written as a specific expression of thanks to a person who has been especially thoughtful, kind or important to her. Apparently, 99% of the time the gratitude letter works. And why wouldn't it?
As I said before, handwriting is the most elegant form of communication. It makes you happier, smarter and more endearing. In most instances, handwriting is another tool for thinking, expression, creativity, and communication. BillMiller59242543012 BillMiller59242272506 A good handwritten letter
  • is personal and is personalized (when you send a tweet, email, text, or FB message, you should still follow up with a handwritten note or card when you know the person well.)
  • represents the writer's undivided attention (unlike an email or phone call while multi-tasking at work.)
  • is a thoughtful gesture appreciated for its effort, time spent writing it and finding a stamp. People remember who wrote a heartfelt letter and who sent a text.
BillMiller59242069823T The gratitude letter
  • for a gift of any kind or any occasion acknowledgement is appreciated. It sustains the relationship. If I spend half a day making a meatloaf and cherry pie to bring you while you're recuperating from a knee replacement, I am grateful to receive a handwritten message of appreciation.
  • is appreciated when someone goes out of their way (again, spending time on you) to introduce you to someone who becomes your boss, mentor, investor, or business partner; or pulls strings for you.
images-134 A condolence letter
  • can be sent anytime, the sooner the better, however, there are no rules or time constraints.
  • should never include unhelpful phrases (see below).
  • is NOT about being profound.
  • is all about acknowledging a death and expressing genuine sympathy.
  • is not the place to compare losses (saying you've experienced the same loss could annoy the person).
          What NOT to say:
  • It's for the best.
  • I/we know how you feel. (You don't know how they feel, no matter how well you think you know the person.)
  • He lived a full life.
  • My mother had ______, too.
  • How are you? Obviously, they're hurting
  • It was the right time -- because she may have been let go.
          What to AVOID:
  • Don't promise to help, if you're not sure you will.
  • Don't go on too long, because brevity is key.
  • Don't go into the drastic circumstances of the deceased.
  • Don't say anything even vaguely religious, unless it is appropriate.Don't sign off with just Sincerely, which sounds cold.
          When you don't know the person well, how to sign off in closing:
  • With sympathy,
  • Please accept our condolences,
  • Our sincere sympathy,
  • With caring thoughts,
  • With deepest sympathy,
  • Warmest condolences,
  • With deepest sympathy for your loss,
BillMiller59242542755           When you know the recipient well:
  • With love,
  • With loving memories,
  • Thinking of you,
  • Our thoughts are of you, our hearts are with you,
          Add the deceased's name in the closing -- even if it is a pet:
  • Stella will never be forgotten,
  • Toby will live on in our hearts,
  • Louis will remain in our hearts,
  • We will never forget Elaine,
Zoom-V2-91-23837SN

Much appreciation to the Printery, Oyster Bay, New York,

for the use of all of the exquisite samples above.

~Didi

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As a working mother I’ve found it a hell of a lot easier to email one generic thank-you note which I personalize slightly for each person before clicking send. Alternating between adding ‘thank you for having us at your holiday party’ to ‘thanks ever so much for the delicious tin of cheese straws.’

My sister says the recipient will assume I copied the email and wrote the same thank-you note to everyone. Isn’t it better to send a thank-you note any way I can and get the job done with an email, rather than agonizing over writing by hand every note and never finishing the arduous task?

–EH, Roxbury, MA

A handwritten thank-you note trumps any other kind of expression of gratitude -- even a phone call.
  • Take shortcuts if you have to with an thank you e-card (such as a Jacquie Lawson @ jacquielawson.com) but when sustaining the relationship is of the utmost importance to you, use that stationery or the correspondence cards in the back of your drawer and write a heartfelt letter of appreciation with your favorite pen.
  • A thank-you card or letter is best mailed within two weeks.
  • Reasons to write a thank-you card: To express gratitude for support, whether for a job interview, reference, letter of recommendation; to acknowledge the receipt of a present for a holiday, birthday, wedding, christening, communion, anniversary, graduation; in appreciation for a condolence letter for the loss of a loved one; or for having been invited to a professional or social event.
  • From an early age, children who learn to write thank-you notes expressing their thanks for a specific present develop a livelong skill, the art of showing appreciation:

Dear Uncle Tom, Thank you for my bike I like having a basket to carry my ball and a bell to ring. Dad is teaching me how to ride it. Love from, Charlie B.

 

Thank You 8_edited-1

~Didi

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About sending a thank-you note for a Christmas party.

We accepted an evite to a holiday party and attended. We did not bring a hostess gift. Can we send a thank-you card after the fact and that’s enough? Or do we have to send our hosts a gift?

–Anonymous, Newport, RI

Send a thank-you note when you know you won't be reciprocating with a return invitation. The reciprocation for an invitation is a return invitation. Often that's not possible. For instance, if you don't entertain, or live too far away and our visiting home briefly, say, for the holidays. A guest is never required to bring a gift to a party or send one post-party. You were invited because your host enjoys your company. However, if you don't bring a thoughtful token hostess gift, you would reciprocate with an email thank-you note pointing out your view of the highlights of their party (a person you met, the beautifully decorated house, the food, eggnog, etc.). At the very least: An evite invitation is reciprocated with an email expressing gratitude; a paper invitation, is acknowledged with a handwritten note; a verbal invitation by phone or in person is reciprocated with a phone call thanking the person for having invited them. BillMiller59242262278 BillMiller59241418742 BillMiller59241509716 BillMiller59242069834

Thank-you note card samples courtesy of The Printery at iprintery.com.

~Didi

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What’s the update on houseguest etiquette? The dos and don’t of being a good houseguest — and host — these days?

 

–J.P., Greenwich, CT

What's the update on houseguest etiquette? The best houseguest doesn't make his bed before asking his host How should I leave the bed? Nobody wants to sleep in your once delightfully dewey sexually scented sheets. Take them off, take them all off, then loosely fold them and either leave them at the foot of your unmade bed or deposit them into the laundry basket. Especially if you have children in tow, empty your wastebaskets of any soiled diapers, sticky popsicle wrappings, and you used dental floss, etc. The exception here is when the houseguest(s) are either family or invalided in some capacity. The host gift/present isn't your most important responsibility. Making the cleanup after your departure not torturous for your host is key for continuing the relationship. Showing up at the door with anything more than a smug expression and hug isn't necessary, if you're determined to pitch in and make yourself useful - or at the very least amusing. Arriving with a book, game, flowers, chocolates, cheese, or a bottle of wine is expected, but you can get away with being a houseguest extraordinaire by pitching in with anything from cooking, weeding, resetting a laptop, walking the dog, taking out the garbage, or simply emptying the dishwasher or setting the table. The best thing you can say is not, "Thank you for inviting me," but "Let me know what I can do to help," and then make suggestions ... Invite your host(s) out to at least one of the following: breakfast, lunch, dinner, or drinks at their local pub. Or offer to have pizza delivered. Most important, before you arrive, communicate with your host about your arrival and departure timeframe so your host can make plans. At that time ask, "Is there anything I can bring that you don't have locally, such as .........?" Part of that conversation should include a question about whether or not you can bring your beloved dog or cat. And if not, find a recommendation for a respected kennel nearby. Are you bringing a child who will need a babysitter or childcare while you're visiting? Then the information to set that up should be put in motion before you arrive. When a guest has dietary concerns meaning you cannot eat certain foods such as nuts, gluten, dairy, meat, or shellfish, these restrictions should be only casually mentioned. Don't make a big deal of your stipulations, because you want to fit in by being a self-sustaining guest - not a needy one. If, unbeknownst to you, your host is planning a lobster bake, he needs to be forewarned to provide you with an delicious alternative. 070610clam2-112029-1 201505554bc25c3b8ea Another question to your host when you're finding out what's in store for you on your visit is dress code. Are there any dress code restrictions: jacket & tie, jackets & dresses, no jeans, no ties, etc. Will you need all white attire to play tennis? Can you rent golf clubs, a bike, surfboard, or kayak? You would no more bring an unannounced date with you than leave your room untidy. No wet towels or bathmat left in a heap on the floor creating mildew, because you've loosely folded them and left them with your sheets and pillow cases. soft-luxurious-towels-are-a-bathroom-essential-youll-appreciate-them-and-your-guests-will-too-monogramming-is-optional-but-its-worth-the-splurge Remember that your host is not the owner of a B&B. Even if you're family, your family wants to be respected - so spend quality time with them. Ask your hosts to join you on one of your walks, or invite them to share a meal with your friends, whom you may also be seeing. A good guest should make sure to give his hosts some time off while he's visiting. Invent a trip or an errand, anything that will give your hosts a chance to catch their breath. A seasoned host knows to stock a guest's bathroom with a couple of new toothbrushes, fresh toothpaste and soap, shampoo, a hairdryer, shower cap, and comb. Sunscreen, deodorant, body lotions and potions, over-the-counter pain reliever, tissues and bottled water are always an added consideration. An extra towel and pillow are most certainly appreciated. When you get home, send a grateful recap in your medium whether it is a text, email, or thank-you note: "You made my summer, thank you very much for a wonderful weekend of memories." Mention the flowers thoughtfully placed on your night table, along with books you've been trying to find time to read. banner-recipes-lobster

~Didi

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How To Be The Best Guest

What are the dos and don’ts for being the best guest? We’re going to a wedding this weekend and then the following weekend to my boss’s house for a barbecue. After that we’ve got a cocktail party that’s an engagement party. In general, what should we remember to do and not do?

–TGW, Providence, RI

Guests who may possibly wish to be invited back, want to know how to be the best guest. The ideal guest is a self-sustaining one. As soon as you know your plans -- whether you are able to attend or not -- respond to the host directly or simply follow the cues for replying to the invitation. When there is a cut-off date for the RSVP, be sure to answer promptly. Otherwise your hostess will have to phone to find out if you're coming in order to get an accurate headcount for the caterer and/or bartender. Or just to know herself how much food to prepare. When responding, make it clear as to who is replying by giving your first and last name, as well as the name of your partner or date when you are answering for both of you. A guest should never invite their own guest without asking the host first. Should your plans change, let your host know ASAP, so he doesn't get stuck paying for your two empty place settings. (Caterers are given a headcount in advance to insure there is enough food, and have to charge your host for your dinners if you are a no-show.) On the other hand, if you arrive with an unannounced date, you may find there is no seat at the dinner table for her. It is even more humiliating for your date than it is for you. What if she is suddenly the 13th guest and the host only bought 12 lobsters? Don't assume an invitation includes your whole family -- or your dog. You don't want to be embarrassed by showing up with your small children only to find there are no other children their age at the party -- or that your host is allergic to dogs. Having to leave Fido in your car on a hot summer night is a bad idea. Check ahead of time if you're not sure. If the invitation -- whether it is for a  wedding or a cookout -- isn't addressed to your whole family, then the entire family is probably not invited; even if you are bringing the coleslaw and two bottles of wine. Again, check ahead even if you know the host has a child your child's age. You just can't assume you can bring Junior because the host's child may be away at a sleepover or boy scout camp. Figure out the dress code ahead of time. Out of respect for your host and/or the guest of honor, dress up as opposed to dressing down. Even if it is a cookout or potluck picnic, wear your nicest appropriate clothes and shoes. Whenever in doubt wear a tie and jacket. When the dancing gets hot, you can always take off your tie and fold it into your jacket pocket before leaving the jacket on the back of your chair. The older the host or guest of honor, the more respectful it is to dress your best. When the invitation suggests Black Tie or Formal Attire, then the dress code for a man is a tuxedo -- or in summer a white dinner jacket with tuxedo trousers. A woman should wear a long dress or a dressy cocktail dress or slacks and top. Black Tie Optional means if you have a tuxedo, wear it. If not, wear your best dark business suit. Your host is being considerate by offering you the option of not having to rent or borrow a tuxedo. Examine the invitation. The more formal the invitation card, location and time, the dressier the dress code for the guests. Usually the later in the day the start time, the dressier the party. A lunch picnic is far more casual than a five o'clock cocktail party. Even in the summer, after six o'clock is time for party clothes. (Guys would not wear button-down collars after six, and don't have to wear socks with loafers.) When the event is hosted at a restaurant or private club, the dress code rule Jacket and Tie can apply-- especially in the evening when all male guests are required to wear a jacket and tie. If you show up without one, you will be loaned the use of a jacket or/and tie for the evening. What to bring as a hostess gift? For parties in an informal setting ask ahead of time, "What can I bring?" Or when you arrive ask, "What can I do to help?" [caption id="attachment_99522" align="aligncenter" width="335"]Young women and men holding drinks standing around bbq Young women and men holding drinks standing around bbq[/caption] Make suggestions, "I can pick up some ice-cream or cold beer." Don't arrive empty handed especially when you're bringing a date or family. You would not bring anything room temperature that is normally served chilled, because there may not be space in the fridge. If the party is potluck, be sure to communicate with your hostess to find out if another guest is already bringing coleslaw. Would she rather you brought potato salad? Find out how many guests are coming to assure your decadent chocolate cake that serves twelve is indeed large enough. summer-bbq Upon arrival, be sure to greet your hosts and thank them for inviting you. Be a self-sustaining guest. Not a needy guest. If it's raining, find a place for your coat and go look for the bar introducing yourself to other guests along the way. A guest with food allergies should eat ahead of time and not expect her host to drop everything to make her something special. Leave your dietary needs at home or bring a small container of prepared food for your personal use -- that does not have to be heated up. If you don't know anyone at the party, be a self-sufficing guest by introducing yourself and your partner. "Hi, I'm Didi Lorillard and this is my husband Rod Stewart. We're related to the groom." Or, "The host is our neighbor." Stating your connection with your host or guest of honor is a sure way to initiate chitchat. Even though it is polite to go through a receiving line at a formal wedding, it is not mandatory. But be sure to talk to your host or the wedding couple later. Waiting in the receiving line, however, does give guests the opportunity to meet and chat with strangers informally. Circulate and circumnavigate to figure out the seating for dinner. Is there a table card directing you to sit at table number 6? If so, is there a place card with your name on it? At an unseated buffet ask a few people if they would like to share a table, so you don't end up wandering around looking for an empty seat while balancing your filled plate and wine glass. backyard-wedding-reception3 At a wedding, for instance, a good guest not only talks to the host and/or guest of honor, but asks them to dance. He also talks to the person on his left and the person on his right while seated or standing in the buffet line, receiving line, or in line for the restroom. Take advantage of opportunities to be social informally. About a gift. For an engagement party, shower, and wedding find out from other guests where the couple have registered their wish list and send a gift from the store registry, which will have the recipients address. Ahead of time, type in at least one name to a bridal registry search, such as TheKnot to find options for a gift in your price range. How much to spend on a gift? To find the optimal amount to spend, roughly estimate the cost of hosting you and your partner for the event. If you think it cost $75 a person to host you, then you and your partner would give a wedding present valued at $150. For instance, a wedding could cost the host anywhere from $75 to $1,00 or more per person.) Obviously, if you're a student, retired or unemployed, a thank-you note would suffice. Arriving with a boxed gift to a large wedding is dicey. Cards detach from wrapped packages and go missing or end up on the wrong present. Is a gift mandatory? No. But be sure to send a thank-you note to your host or a handwritten note or card to the wedding couple or birthday boy wishing them well. It is not always possible, but if it is, be sure to thank your host before saying good night. Can I give a toast? Who gives a toast? A better question is: should I give a toast? Probably not, unless the occasion is truly informal. If you do, make it as short as possible. The more formal the wedding or party, the more formal the toasts. For a formal event certain guests are handpicked to stand up and raise their glass to give a toast. Toasters are often chosen ahead of time so that there are not too many toasts that go on way too long. A good host doesn't want to bore guests who won't get the often subtle nuance of a toast. When to leave? When the invitation states a timeframe arrive shortly after the arrival time and leave a bit before the end time. A good guest never overstays his welcome -- no matter how good of a time he is having. You never want to be the last guest to leave the party. At a three hour cocktail party, where a meal is not being served, don't stay more than two hours. The timeframe for a cocktail party is more about having guests pop in and out, and seating is not a priority because the intention is to encourage guests to circulate. Never sit down, because you can get stuck without an exit plan talking to a bore. A good host not only makes a point of introducing guests to other guests they may not know, but he also makes an effort to stand by the exit to make sure those who are driving don't need a another cup of coffee before hitting the road. Friends don't let friends who are high drive. About tipping. The only time you are prompted to tip is at the end of a party where there is a vendor handling the valet parking. Tip the valet who brings your car a couple of dollars. Within two weeks after the party, be sure to have your thank-you note written and mailed. If the invitation came through an email or text, then you can thank your host with a return email or text. However, thank-you notelets are always more memorable. 1009597

~Didi

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Teenage thank-you note

Is it necessary for a teenager to send a thank-you to the parents of the girl that invited her on a cruise, when she paid her own way?

–Name withheld, Providence, RI

Even though her way was paid, she benefited from the trip because it was organized by her friend's parent. She broadened her horizon, and she was chaperoned by the other child's parents (to some degree). It could be a thank-you card on which she writes a short heartfelt sentence thanking them for the opportunity and the memories. Exceptions would be: if the teen had a horrible experience on the cruise or if her own parent(s) were planning on reciprocating with a return adventure at another time. Should the teen balk, have her email, and not text, her thank-you note saying why she appreciated the cruise. Personally, I would use almost any teaching opportunity to encourage children not only to thank, but to prioritize making thank-you note writing a natural response of appreciation.  Socially, as well as in business later on. Studies show that polite people are more apt to get ahead in life and become leaders.

~Didi

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