Thanksgiving Archives - Newport Manners

Breastfeeding at The Thanksgiving Dinner Table
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Breastfeeding at The Thanksgiving Dinner Table

My husband doesn’t approve of my daughter-in-law breastfeeding in public, which to him means in front of the family. He doesn’t want her breastfeeding at the Thanksgiving dinner table. My husband is the step-grandfather of the baby. Specifically he says he doesn’t want her breastfeeding at the Thanksgiving dinner table. We love her and the first grandchild, but I have to keep peace in the family. How should I handle this?

–JP, Arden, NY

Nip it in the bud. Tell your son ahead of time that his step-father doesn't want to be seeing breastfeeding at the Thanksgiving dinner table. He needs to bring a nice cover up for the baby when his child is breastfeeding. Explain how his step-father feels. Say it makes him uncomfortable, queasy, because it is not something he is used to seeing. And that, maybe, over time he will come to ignore his apprehension when she feeds her child in front him. But for now, Thanksgiving, she needs to cover the baby while feeding.

Offer to provide her with a baby guilt or muslin swaddle or muslin blanket (at adenandanais.com) to drape over the baby's head and the mother's breast.

Otherwise you should tell your son that she should go into another room while the baby is nursing, since it is his step-father's home as well as yours. Even though the nursing mother is the guest.

~Didi

Thanksgiving Guest Etiquette
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Thanksgiving Guest Etiquette

My question is about Thanksgiving guest etiquette.

What should we know about being perfect guests? My fiancée and I are spending the long Thanksgiving weekend as guests of my aunt and uncle. It is a mini-family reunion with my parents, and brother and sister-in-law, who have a toddler.

–AJ, Middletown, RI

Thanksgiving Guest Etiquette Never arrive empty handed, and I don't mean that pushing your wheeled garment bag will do. Bring a small hostess gift. Either really good chocolates or bottle of wine, or flowers. If you know they will read it, bring a current best-selling thriller. Be mindful of setting up your technology.

Help out often. Be tidy and always thankful.

In a nut shell:

Be in the present and I not texting your office or dog-sitter every half hour. Be in the here and now.

Share your travel plans ahead of time. Communicate delays and changes along the way. That means clarifying exactly who you'll be arriving with, how you'll be getting there, and the time of your arrival. Include the time and day of your departure.

Will you be needing directions? Renting a car at the airport? Arriving in an Uber or do you need the name of the local cab company? Do you have to be picked up at the train station? Running behind schedule, let your host know by phoning her to tell her not to wait dinner for your arrival. Ask if you need to bring a tie and jacket.

Bring up any special needs ahead of time so your host is not blindsided. Such as asking if you can bring your dog, because your dog sitter isn't available. Or announcing that your child is allergic to tree nuts.

Special dietary needs can be a bummer for your host, but it doesn't have to be if you can be either silent or flexible about your issues.

Be helpful, pitch in. Even if it is to take out the garbage. Offer to lay the logs for the fire, open the wine bottles, sweep the dusting of snow off the porch, go out to buy ice or ice-cream.

Be a self-sustaining guest by not asking for the WiFi info while your hostess is whipping up the pumpkin pie to put in the oven. Ask all your tech questions during a down time, such as where to charge your phone.

Keep all your possessions in one place, and not strewn out all over the house; that includes your tech gear and puffer jacket.

Don't charge your phone in the kitchen, but in your room; away from a child's reach.

When answering texts, emails and phone calls, find a quiet place where you won't be in the way and condense your tech time into small doses.

Bring your own charger, but don't charge your phone in heavily trafficked areas such as the kitchen, dinning room, front hall, bathroom.

Share WiFi, don't hog it.

Never leave the house without asking, "Is there anything I can pick up for you?"

Volunteer (I can't emphasis this enough.) to walk the dog, play checkers or read to the child, load the dishwasher. Be useful. You're visiting not to be waited on, you're there to participate.

Before going off to bed the final night of your visit, ask your host what you should do about your towels and bed linens: fold them and leave them at the foot of your bed in the morning or take all used linens to the laundry room? Empty your wastepaper basket.

When you get home, within two weeks follow up with a thank-you note giving a recap of the highlights of your visit.

My point is this. If you wish to be invited again, be a good guest and follow the above. images-33

~Didi

The Death of Table Manners
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Death of Table Manners

Unlike my husband and myself, my children were born and raised here, and I want to prepare them for fitting in to social situations as well as at work and on interviews. I worry they don’t have proper table manners. Are there basics my children, who are still in school, should know? If so, I want to know what they are.

–SS, Providence, RI

Your children will mimic the other students in the lunchroom in order to fit in. Lunchroom table manners have become the standard for most students and bad habits are hard to break. Some of these students will display better manners in a family setting at the dinner table, yet not always. There are ground rules -- or should we call them table rules? They apply anywhere, whether it is in a fast food restaurant, a boardroom during an interview lunch, at a wedding or the family dinner table.

The 6 Basic Table Rules

*The biggest deterrent to good table manners is the cellphone. The reason many more families are unplugging their EarPods and leaving cellphones in a designated location away from the table before sitting down to a family meal is to encourage conversation. Despite the fact that a telephone survey last summer by the New York Times found that when asked: Are Phones Off Limits at the Table? 61% answered 'No.' 34% answered 'It Depends.' Realistically, are you in that 5% that answered 'Yes'? *Know how to use utensils. With the temptations of fast-foods and finger foods such as hot dogs, hamburgers, chicken fingers, pizza, burritos, pop tarts, wraps and sandwiches, etc., a lot of kids don't know how to use a knife, fork, spoon or chopsticks. Watching TV while eating isn't an excuse for not using utensils. Actors and talking heads don't have the best table manners either when they're waving their fork as if it were a flag. Like most skills, maneuvering utensils takes dexterity. Like all early milestones, some children master the skill early, others take longer. Adults are the best role models. Do they use utensils with care -- or do they wave utensils like flags or scrape or pound them like drums on the plate or bowl in a way that is sure to disrupt the conversation? No need to eat with two hands at once, the food will still be there:

images-94-1 Learn to bring your food to your mouth, and not lower your mouth to the plate. If you eat spaghetti like this,

images-95-1 images-91-1 your daughter may eat like that.

*Consideration starts with elbows off the table. Imagine at the dinner table if everyones' arms wrestled for space on the table for their two elbows. That's how accidents happen and when tempers fly. No elbows on the table and keep hands in your lap when they aren't navigagting a utensil. The napkin is to protect clothing from becoming soiled from sticky hands, so use it. Place the napkin over your lap before the food arrives. Once a utensil has been used, leave it on the plate so as not to dirty the table. When excusing yourself from the table leave your loosely folded napkin to the left of your place setting (if you aren't clearing the table).

unnamed manners-1 What's wrong with this picture?

*Watch your mouth. Never use words such as sh*t, f*ck, and b*tch, because it is offensive to those around you. Nobody wants to watch you or listen to you chewing, so keep your mouth closed while eating. Nobody can hear what you're saying when you talk with your mouth full of food. Plus, it can spray and spot your clothing -- or that of the person next to you. Try to abstain from licking your fingers and picking at your teeth. When you want to get rid of a piece of gristle, discreetly place it on the side of your plate with your fork. *Keep your hands to yourself, preferably in your lap when you're not eating and don't snitch fries from Johnny's plate or you'll cause a rumble. No matter how irresistible, never feed the dog table scraps from your plate. It's gross. *Cooperate with team spirit when you're asked to hand the salt or pass the ketchup. You do it for him, he'll do it for you. This is the place, in family space, to ingrain the magic of 'please' and 'thank you.' Before heading to retrieve your cellphone, you should clear your plate, glass, and utensils and place them in the kitchen sink or dishwasher. images-99

~Didi

Your Ugly Duckling Speaks Up
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Your Ugly Duckling Speaks Up

How do I pose for pictures? During the holidays when family members post pics of us, I am always the ugly duckling. To be perfectly honest, I’m an ugly young woman. Because I’m so self-conscious, I always look as though I got caught off guard. When I try ducking out of a photo, I get called back. So it is better to go along with being the ugly relative.

–H.B., Providence

These dos and don'ts for posing for pics can of course be used year round. When possible, suggest that the photos be taken outside, because the natural light is always more flattering. Inside, face a sunny window if you can, but don't stand under any overhead lighting as it will accentuate those imperfections that make you self-conscious. On the other hand, if you're the one taking the photo, stand with your back to the light. After three o'clock, but before dusk, the outdoors light is ideal. Take care with what you wear. If it's the holidays, a vibrant color will look more cheerful; preferably the same color as your eyes. Your shoulders and hips should be slightly turned in the same direction, and at an angle, whether you're sitting or standing. Don't look down or away from the person who is taking the photo. Whatever you do, don't appear to look timid by leaning on anyone else or hiding partially behind someone. Be aware of your posture: shoulders should be back, your posture should be straight, and stick in your gut. Forget about saying "Cheese." Think of someone you love as the camera is clicking. Makeup, especially around the eyes, always helps to accentuate them. If your face looks shiny in pics the way mine does, use a dusting of transparent face powder to blot out any shine. Lipstick helps to make you look more glamorous. Before you leave for an event like Thanksgiving, look picture perfect; it will give you confidence knowing that you look your best because you've prepared. Style-wise, always wear a clever conversation piece such as dangling earrings, a pretty necklace, well-made eyeglass frames, or a colorful scarf tied around your neck. When you arrive at the event, immediately go to the restroom to check your makeup and make sure your hair is in place. Smudgy mascara and lipstick on your front teeth shouldn't be a focal point for whomever you're talking to. Now you're good to go. It's OK to look different.

~Didi

Your Benefits as Grandparents
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Your Benefits as Grandparents

Good morning! We’re two seniors living in South Carolina, who have two grown married daughters in Washington, D.C.. Every year they invite us up, and we drive up, vowing never to fight the traffic again. This year they want us to come because it’s the first time they will have hosted thanksgiving and they’ve totally renovated their houses which, by the way, we saw and visited just four weeks ago. We had a great time since it was just us, and didn’t have to share our only grandson with anyone else. We don’t really have a relationship with Robert’s in-laws at all… Can’t we just stay here and see them over Christmas when they always come down and we host? I don’t want to hurt their feelings but it’s too long a drive and too much togetherness for us!

–Anonymous, South Carolina

Your question about how grandparents can set limitations on what they are able and willing to do and what they cannot do, or don't want to do, is a concern to many of us. How to handle boundaries with success is not so simple. As you've discovered, they often lead to feelings of guilt; or, on the other hand, of having been slighted. This year begging out of the Thanksgiving tradition should be easy because you recently drove to Washington, D.C., to see your daughters in their newly renovated houses. I understand their wanting to include you in the holiday housewarming festivities at their newly refurbished digs. Nonetheless, the current theory is that babies and very young children need to bond with grandparents often so that they remember them when they reappear, say, at Christmas with a sleigh full of gifts. As very young children are often territorial, they are apt to be rude to interlopers unless there is a lot of prompting ahead of time by their parents. Or, as in your situation where your grandson will come for Christmas, and could possibly become withdrawn or overreact in other ways to the unfamiliar surroundings. Your daughter wants you to bond with her child. On the other hand, it is OK to tell your daughters what you've told me. Thanksgiving is a miserable time to be on the roads and you would rather be snuggled up at home than stuck in gridlock. Remember, your children don't understand that for you and your husband, your comfort is becoming more and more important. If any of these statements apply, here is a list of things you can say to get you off the hook: *As much as we love being with you and the tradition itself, Thanksgiving is the worst time of year to take a road trip. *You no longer drive long distances after dark. *You've made a commitment to friends who have nowhere else to go for Thanksgiving dinner. *This year you're volunteering at the local soup kitchen to serve Thanksgiving dinner to the homeless. *It is too long of a trip for you to take for such a short period of time. *Your dog is slowing down and since the wretched drive would be too uncomfortable for him, you don't want to leave him in a dog motel for such an extended period of time. In other words, you love your family and its holiday traditions and are especially looking forward to their coming home for Christmas, but you are not up to being on the roads at Thanksgiving -- the most traveled holiday of the year. You don't want your daughters feeling guilty because they're not with you, and you want to say no gracefully. On the other hand, you could compromise by starting out on your trip a day earlier and driving back to South Carolina a day sooner to avoid the most congested travel days.

~Didi

Allergen + Cellphone-Free Thanksgiving
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Allergen + Cellphone-Free Thanksgiving

No matter how hard I try to get my family all together and abide by the allergen-free drill, someone is always disappointed. One apparent fussy eater doesn’t like Brussel sprouts and the next day I find them on the floor under the table. Or the lactose-free ice cream had disappeared the night before. The gravy is not gluten-free, there’s too much sugar in the cranberry sauce, and not enough salt in the mashed potatoes.

And yet Thanksgiving is the greatest feast of all. Even for the vegans. One year I added a Tofurkey to the menu; it didn’t go over well and I suspect there were vegans who ate more meat than just the sausage in the stuffing — even though I also made a veggie stuffing. But one of them couldn’t eat that because it had onions. The pecan pie was not nut free.

There is always a family member who can’t get away to attend, and that’s my biggest disappointment. The other thing I can’t control is cellphone use. Everyone is constantly on their iPhone or iPad. It’s annoying. But I don’t want to be the cranky host who says No Cell Phones. What can I do?

–M.M., Boston

Congratulations on conquering the allergens and, yes, there is something quite sensible you can do about the cellphones. Pick a timeframe, probably starting when everyone sits down to dinner and ending after the last pie plate is cleared, when your home is strictly in the No Cell Phone Zone. Meaning that all the cellphones go into a basket during the allotted timeframe. Ahead of Thanksgiving, let everyone know that due to the proliferation of cellphones when you all get together, you're initiating the No Cell Phone Zone -- say, between five and seven o'clock. Stick to it. Make it clear to the adults that there will be no exceptions. If the kids see them checking their email, they'll want to check theirs, too.

~Didi

Dressing The Thanksgiving Table
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Dressing The Thanksgiving Table

How do I have a spectacular looking Thanksgiving table that won’t cost a lot?

–new hostess, Provience

Think about what you already have that you can use on your table that is in the Thanksgiving colors or reds, yellows, oranges, and greens. Think color. With candlesticks use colored candles, although try to avoid Christmas candles. Have children decorate place cards and write the name of each guest on a small fold over card. They can cut 4-by-4 inch squares out of construction paper and fold them over with the name on the front. Take a pumpkin and carve out a medium size circle on the top, scrape out the seeds, and insert a container of water in the cavity. Tightly tuck colorful fall colored flowers into the the container. Or simply fill a glass bowl with clementines, tangerines, or apples for your centerpiece. Thanksgiving morning have children find perfect specimens of fallen leaves and artfully place them like fallen leaves, with the shiny side up, in the middle of your dining table. Try setting the table ahead of time so you have time to add or edit out what isn't colorful. Colored glasses for wine or water that you can place side by side. For instance, a clear wine glass next to a green water glass. Instead of a tablecloth, use one or two colorful runners in the center of the table with the centerpiece centered in the middle. Or place the runners on top of a any tablecloth. Don't forget to put a couple of small bowls of cranberry sauce around the table with spoons, to not only add a pop of color but because your guests can never have enough cranberry sauce. Grate a film of orange peel over the red cranberries. Any left over cranberries can be used to decorate the insides of hurricane lamps. We use two website to illustrate Hurricane lamps that are safe and sturdy. Google Ralph Lauren Bedford Hurricane and William Sonoma Hurricane. For the children at the table colorful foil covered chocolate turkeys are a sweet reward for having good manners. When looking for ideas for spectacular table settings, check out "Creative Napkins and Table Settings," by Jimmy Ng at Barnes & Noble.

~Didi

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