Weekend Dress Code Archives

Expectations of The Reluctant House Guest — Entertaining
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Expectations of The Reluctant House Guest — Entertaining

As a reluctant soon to be house guest, what are the expectations on both sides?

We’ve been invited for Labor Day weekend to what my boss calls his summer house. As house guests, what is expected of us? The cost of flying there and back is prohibitive enough without having to buy a house present, which my wife seems to think we have to bring. What are the expectations – on both sides?

–G.W., Brooklyn, NY

To say the least, you sound reluctant about your upcoming adventure as a house guest. The rich live differently from the rest of us. No doubt, your host has paid for many airplane trips to his summer house and is aware of the cost. Find out ahead of time what is expected of you in terms of what you should bring.

Will you be going sailing, playing golf, tennis, cycling? Having boat shoes for the sailboat and all white attire for the tennis court may be mandatory requirements.

Your question about dress code and your attire should prompt your host to remind you to bring a blazer and tie to wear at a party they're hosting, or he might say, "don't forget to bring your clubs."

My favorite is, "Bring old clothes for the clambake."

We've even had a host ask us if there was anything we're allergic to or if we had any dietary needs.

If you're planning to bring a child or pet in tow, be sure to communicate any requirements, such as a babysitter, crib, or dog walker -- should you be on a boat for the day.

The best you can do is to arrive on time and be a self-sustaining guest. It's annoying when a guest is needy for this or that and is never on time. Arrive with a token gift - or send it ahead of time - such as a book on sailing, a cookbook, or another interest of your host. You needn't spend over a hundred dollars. images-10

Friends once arrived with the most memorable gift ever, homemade jam. We had a great aunt who always packed a loaf of her freshly baked organic bread in her suitcase. When you arrive find out the drill for the day and the rest of your visit, and think of it as your itinerary. Then ask if there is anything you can do to help out; for instance if they are hosting a cookout and you'd like a turn at the grille.

Guests who have stayed a week are known to have installed simple lighting in our garden, and another put shelves in the garage. It was a gift of their time and the expense was minimal. In other words, make yourself useful when you can.

Depending how long you're guesting it, make yourselves scarce once a day to simply take a walk or explore the local museum or library. The morning of the day you leave ask what you should do about your bed linens and towels: take them off the bed and fold them leaving them at the foot of your bed or take them to the location of the washer and dryer. Likewise, empty any waste baskets in your room or bathroom.

If there is a staff member assigned to the task, ask if you should leave a small tip, especially if someone has gone out of their way to iron your trousers or bring you Advil or a hairdryer.

Once home, reflect on the highlights of your adventure and remind your host in your thank-you note that you really had a great time. images-9

~Didi

Houseguest Etiquette
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Houseguest Etiquette

What’s the update on houseguest etiquette? The dos and don’t of being a good houseguest — and host — these days?

–J.P., Greenwich, CT

What's the update on houseguest etiquette? The best houseguest doesn't make his bed before asking his host How should I leave the bed? Nobody wants to sleep in your once delightfully dewey sexually scented sheets. Take them off, take them all off, then loosely fold them and either leave them at the foot of your unmade bed or deposit them into the laundry basket. Especially if you have children in tow, empty your wastebaskets of any soiled diapers, sticky popsicle wrappings, and you used dental floss, etc. The exception here is when the houseguest(s) are either family or invalided in some capacity. The host gift/present isn't your most important responsibility. Making the cleanup after your departure not torturous for your host is key for continuing the relationship. Showing up at the door with anything more than a smug expression and hug isn't necessary, if you're determined to pitch in and make yourself useful - or at the very least amusing. Arriving with a book, game, flowers, chocolates, cheese, or a bottle of wine is expected, but you can get away with being a houseguest extraordinaire by pitching in with anything from cooking, weeding, resetting a laptop, walking the dog, taking out the garbage, or simply emptying the dishwasher or setting the table. The best thing you can say is not, "Thank you for inviting me," but "Let me know what I can do to help," and then make suggestions ... Invite your host(s) out to at least one of the following: breakfast, lunch, dinner, or drinks at their local pub. Or offer to have pizza delivered. Most important, before you arrive, communicate with your host about your arrival and departure timeframe so your host can make plans. At that time ask, "Is there anything I can bring that you don't have locally, such as .........?" Part of that conversation should include a question about whether or not you can bring your beloved dog or cat. And if not, find a recommendation for a respected kennel nearby. Are you bringing a child who will need a babysitter or childcare while you're visiting? Then the information to set that up should be put in motion before you arrive. When a guest has dietary concerns meaning you cannot eat certain foods such as nuts, gluten, dairy, meat, or shellfish, these restrictions should be only casually mentioned. Don't make a big deal of your stipulations, because you want to fit in by being a self-sustaining guest - not a needy one. If, unbeknownst to you, your host is planning a lobster bake, he needs to be forewarned to provide you with an delicious alternative.

Another question to your host when you're finding out what's in store for you on your visit is dress code. Are there any dress code restrictions: jacket & tie, jackets & dresses, no jeans, no ties, etc. Will you need all white attire to play tennis? Can you rent golf clubs, a bike, surfboard, or kayak? You would no more bring an unannounced date with you than leave your room untidy. No wet towels or bathmat left in a heap on the floor creating mildew, because you've loosely folded them and left them with your sheets and pillow cases.

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Remember that your host is not the owner of a B&B. Even if you're family, your family wants to be respected - so spend quality time with them. Ask your hosts to join you on one of your walks, or invite them to share a meal with your friends, whom you may also be seeing. A good guest should make sure to give his hosts some time off while he's visiting. Invent a trip or an errand, anything that will give your hosts a chance to catch their breath. A seasoned host knows to stock a guest's bathroom with a couple of new toothbrushes, fresh toothpaste and soap, shampoo, a hairdryer, shower cap, and comb. Sunscreen, deodorant, body lotions and potions, over-the-counter pain reliever, tissues and bottled water are always an added consideration. An extra towel and pillow are most certainly appreciated. When you get home, send a grateful recap in your medium whether it is a text, email, or thank-you note: "You made my summer, thank you very much for a wonderful weekend of memories." Mention the flowers thoughtfully placed on your night table, along with books you've been trying to find time to read.

~Didi

How To Be The Best Guest
Creative Etiquette Solutions

How To Be The Best Guest

What are the dos and don’ts for being the best guest? We’re going to a wedding this weekend and then the following weekend to my boss’s house for a barbecue. After that we’ve got a cocktail party that’s an engagement party. In general, what should we remember to do and not do?

–TGW, Providence, RI

Guests who may possibly wish to be invited back, want to know how to be the best guest. The ideal guest is a self-sustaining one. As soon as you know your plans -- whether you are able to attend or not -- respond to the host directly or simply follow the cues for replying to the invitation. When there is a cut-off date for the RSVP, be sure to answer promptly. Otherwise your hostess will have to phone to find out if you're coming in order to get an accurate headcount for the caterer and/or bartender. Or just to know herself how much food to prepare. When responding, make it clear as to who is replying by giving your first and last name, as well as the name of your partner or date when you are answering for both of you. A guest should never invite their own guest without asking the host first. Should your plans change, let your host know ASAP, so he doesn't get stuck paying for your two empty place settings. (Caterers are given a headcount in advance to insure there is enough food, and have to charge your host for your dinners if you are a no-show.) On the other hand, if you arrive with an unannounced date, you may find there is no seat at the dinner table for her. It is even more humiliating for your date than it is for you. What if she is suddenly the 13th guest and the host only bought 12 lobsters? Don't assume an invitation includes your whole family -- or your dog. You don't want to be embarrassed by showing up with your small children only to find there are no other children their age at the party -- or that your host is allergic to dogs. Having to leave Fido in your car on a hot summer night is a bad idea. Check ahead of time if you're not sure. If the invitation -- whether it is for a wedding or a cookout -- isn't addressed to your whole family, then the entire family is probably not invited; even if you are bringing the coleslaw and two bottles of wine. Again, check ahead even if you know the host has a child your child's age. You just can't assume you can bring Junior because the host's child may be away at a sleepover or boy scout camp. Figure out the dress code ahead of time. Out of respect for your host and/or the guest of honor, dress up as opposed to dressing down. Even if it is a cookout or potluck picnic, wear your nicest appropriate clothes and shoes. Whenever in doubt wear a tie and jacket. When the dancing gets hot, you can always take off your tie and fold it into your jacket pocket before leaving the jacket on the back of your chair. The older the host or guest of honor, the more respectful it is to dress your best. When the invitation suggests Black Tie or Formal Attire, then the dress code for a man is a tuxedo -- or in summer a white dinner jacket with tuxedo trousers. A woman should wear a long dress or a dressy cocktail dress or slacks and top. Black Tie Optional means if you have a tuxedo, wear it. If not, wear your best dark business suit. Your host is being considerate by offering you the option of not having to rent or borrow a tuxedo. Examine the invitation. The more formal the invitation card, location and time, the dressier the dress code for the guests. Usually the later in the day the start time, the dressier the party. A lunch picnic is far more casual than a five o'clock cocktail party. Even in the summer, after six o'clock is time for party clothes. (Guys would not wear button-down collars after six, and don't have to wear socks with loafers.) When the event is hosted at a restaurant or private club, the dress code rule Jacket and Tie can apply-- especially in the evening when all male guests are required to wear a jacket and tie. If you show up without one, you will be loaned the use of a jacket or/and tie for the evening. What to bring as a hostess gift? For parties in an informal setting ask ahead of time, "What can I bring?" Or when you arrive ask, "What can I do to help?" [caption id="attachment_99522" align="aligncenter" width="335"]

Young women and men holding drinks standing around bbq[/caption] Make suggestions, "I can pick up some ice-cream or cold beer." Don't arrive empty handed especially when you're bringing a date or family. You would not bring anything room temperature that is normally served chilled, because there may not be space in the fridge. If the party is potluck, be sure to communicate with your hostess to find out if another guest is already bringing coleslaw. Would she rather you brought potato salad? Find out how many guests are coming to assure your decadent chocolate cake that serves twelve is indeed large enough.

Upon arrival, be sure to greet your hosts and thank them for inviting you. Be a self-sustaining guest. Not a needy guest. If it's raining, find a place for your coat and go look for the bar introducing yourself to other guests along the way. A guest with food allergies should eat ahead of time and not expect her host to drop everything to make her something special. Leave your dietary needs at home or bring a small container of prepared food for your personal use -- that does not have to be heated up. If you don't know anyone at the party, be a self-sufficing guest by introducing yourself and your partner. "Hi, I'm Didi Lorillard and this is my husband Rod Stewart. We're related to the groom." Or, "The host is our neighbor." Stating your connection with your host or guest of honor is a sure way to initiate chitchat. Even though it is polite to go through a receiving line at a formal wedding, it is not mandatory. But be sure to talk to your host or the wedding couple later. Waiting in the receiving line, however, does give guests the opportunity to meet and chat with strangers informally. Circulate and circumnavigate to figure out the seating for dinner. Is there a table card directing you to sit at table number 6? If so, is there a place card with your name on it? At an unseated buffet ask a few people if they would like to share a table, so you don't end up wandering around looking for an empty seat while balancing your filled plate and wine glass.

At a wedding, for instance, a good guest not only talks to the host and/or guest of honor, but asks them to dance. He also talks to the person on his left and the person on his right while seated or standing in the buffet line, receiving line, or in line for the restroom. Take advantage of opportunities to be social informally. About a gift. For an engagement party, shower, and wedding find out from other guests where the couple have registered their wish list and send a gift from the store registry, which will have the recipients address. Ahead of time, type in at least one name to a bridal registry search, such as TheKnot to find options for a gift in your price range. How much to spend on a gift? To find the optimal amount to spend, roughly estimate the cost of hosting you and your partner for the event. If you think it cost $75 a person to host you, then you and your partner would give a wedding present valued at $150. For instance, a wedding could cost the host anywhere from $75 to $1,00 or more per person.) Obviously, if you're a student, retired or unemployed, a thank-you note would suffice. Arriving with a boxed gift to a large wedding is dicey. Cards detach from wrapped packages and go missing or end up on the wrong present. Is a gift mandatory? No. But be sure to send a thank-you note to your host or a handwritten note or card to the wedding couple or birthday boy wishing them well. It is not always possible, but if it is, be sure to thank your host before saying good night. Can I give a toast? Who gives a toast? A better question is: should I give a toast? Probably not, unless the occasion is truly informal. If you do, make it as short as possible. The more formal the wedding or party, the more formal the toasts. For a formal event certain guests are handpicked to stand up and raise their glass to give a toast. Toasters are often chosen ahead of time so that there are not too many toasts that go on way too long. A good host doesn't want to bore guests who won't get the often subtle nuance of a toast. When to leave? When the invitation states a timeframe arrive shortly after the arrival time and leave a bit before the end time. A good guest never overstays his welcome -- no matter how good of a time he is having. You never want to be the last guest to leave the party. At a three hour cocktail party, where a meal is not being served, don't stay more than two hours. The timeframe for a cocktail party is more about having guests pop in and out, and seating is not a priority because the intention is to encourage guests to circulate. Never sit down, because you can get stuck without an exit plan talking to a bore. A good host not only makes a point of introducing guests to other guests they may not know, but he also makes an effort to stand by the exit to make sure those who are driving don't need a another cup of coffee before hitting the road. Friends don't let friends who are high drive. About tipping. The only time you are prompted to tip is at the end of a party where there is a vendor handling the valet parking. Tip the valet who brings your car a couple of dollars. Within two weeks after the party, be sure to have your thank-you note written and mailed. If the invitation came through an email or text, then you can thank your host with a return email or text. However, thank-you notelets are always more memorable.

~Didi

Every Day Woman's Winter Coat
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Every Day Woman's Winter Coat

I saw the Belstaff coat you recommend, but it is a little too expensive. Although, I really like it. What I need is a basic black coat to wear on the frigid subway to the very stuffy law offices where I work. A just above the knee coat that I can also wear to nice restaurants and holiday parties.

–chilly milly, Manhattan

Stylish and socially conscious, we love the eco-chic fitted Patagonia Women's Fiona Down Parka. It not only accentuates feminine curves, but is made from 100% recycled water proof polyester and filled with 600-fill Traceable duck down insulation. The feathers are ethically sourced from ducks that were neither force-fed nor live-plucked. This really is the it-coat for a smooth, flattering look for going to work in a snow storm and partying until dawn. Guaranteed to keep you cozy and dry -- as well as environmentally savvy.

~Didi

Thanksgiving: Winter Weekend Country Dress Code
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Thanksgiving: Winter Weekend Country Dress Code

What do I pack for a long Thanksgiving country weekend? My fiancé’s family have a hunting lodge where we’re going Thanksgiving weekend. I won’t hunt, but I will tag along. As a city girl, I’m not one for puffy jackets or pea coats. Do you have a any suggestions?

–city girl gone hunting, Manhattan

What we love is the Belstaff look and functionality. An attractive melding of tradition and modernity. There is nothing more authentically cool and classic than the whole Belstaff style from top to boots. Go to belstaff.com and clickon women's outerwear where you will find warm, water resistant long jackets that are the big trend in women and men's outerwear. For wintery country weekends to come, start by looking for these women's jackets: CT Master Coat in Resin CT Master Coat in Resin Coated Twill Sheffield Jacket Ella Parka Coat (because of the bright orange detail) The Unionjack Trailmaster in Waxed Cotton Scroll down under the outerwear to find ideas to complete the look -- which include sweaters, boots, trousers and jeans.

~Didi

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