Family Archives - Page 3 of 10

What To Do When A Good Friend Discloses Their Terminal Illness — Friendship
Creative Etiquette Solutions

What To Do When A Good Friend Discloses Their Terminal Illness — Friendship

My question concerns how to handle a friend’s disclosure of their terminal illness.

A friend of mine wrote me (along with her other close friends) a letter announcing that she had a brain tumor and didn’t expect to be around at Christmas. At our garden club meeting, one of her other close friends, who happens to be the club president, got up in front of all the other members and announced the pending death of our absent friend.

Was the club president using correct etiquette by announcing her imminent death to members who hadn’t received the sad, sweet note? Or am I being overly sensitive? Shouldn’t the dying person have a modicum of control over who knows what when?

–Name Withheld

Thank you for your thoughtful question about how to handle the revelation of your good friend's terminal illness.

Being all for full disclosure (for the most part), I don't personally think it was a misstep by the president of the garden club to disclose a secret that would be outed as some point by Christmas.

Is it possible that the terminally ill member gave her consent?

Why not suggest that the garden club organize a meal project and fill her calendar with volunteers bringing meals.

Before doing so you would, of course, have to tell your terminally ill friend about your plan. Which means mentioning that the whole garden club knows about her brain tumor.

You might find that she welcomes the ultra short visits from her garden club comrades.

Just be sure that you have a list of her favorite foods as well as those she dislikes.

~Didi

Raising Well-Mannered Boys — Parenting Etiquette
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Raising Well-Mannered Boys — Parenting Etiquette

My question is about parenting etiquette.

How do we raise boys to respect women? I have a hard time being around children, especially disrespectful boys. I’m not saying boys should behave more like girls, I’m asking how to get boys to treat women better?

–Name Withheld

Thank you for your question about parenting etiquette.

Despite the fact that more and more daughters are being told they can be anything they want to be -- a mother who is also the CEO of a multi-national corporation or even an astronaut, it's unclear what signals we're giving to boys to promote an unbiased society.

When babies and toddlers throw food on the floor or don't put away their toys and mothers or women caregivers clean up the mess, women perpetuate the message that they are there to clean and tidy up.
However, after a day of work, grocery shopping and getting children ready for bed and school the next day, most of the time it is easier to not make a fuss and we clean up the mess ourselves.

Only when we have more men handling childcare more of the time will this change.

To quote Gloria Steinem, "I’m glad we’ve begun to raise our daughters more like our sons, but it will never work until we raise our sons more like our daughters.”

~Didi

Back To School Tips For Parents
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Back To School Tips For Parents

What are your back to school tips for parents of elementary age school children? The summer has been out of control with sleep-overs and too much fast food. I can’t wait for them to be back at school because they are bouncing off the walls!

–Theresa, Seekonk, MA

Back to school tips for parents of elementary school age children.

Be consistent while establishing bedtime ten minutes earlier each night until they have reached their school bedtime. If they rebel, hold to your plan even if you have to set the clock forward. Figure out this fall's social nuance styles before maxing out on school clothes.

It is hard to do, but must be done. Each night get your children into bed ten minutes earlier. Controlling their sugar intake by eating less sugar after three o'clock should ease them into sleep sooner.
Before doing so, have them lay out their clothing and pack their knapsacks. However, don't let procrastination stall an early bedtime. If need be, have them choose between two outfits, one for tomorrow and the other for the day after.
Don't blow your back-to-school budget before school starts. If they're still wearing shorts, any long pants you buy now may be too short by the time they want to switch over to long pants.
Understand the social nuances of their circle of friends by looking to see the kind of sneakers, socks, hair clasps, etc, kids are wearing this fall. Are their classmates mostly in Skechers? Find the nearest outlet store. What kind of backpacks are they using? How are they wearing their hair? Are they rolling or folding over their socks?
In warm weather inevitably children consume far too much sugar through fruit drinks, slushies, popsicles and ice-cream. Wean them off overly-sugared foods and beverages. When you go grocery shopping, look to see how many grams of sugar are contained in one serving. The sooner you cut back on the sugar, the calmer they'll become. And now that you're packing lunch again, you can take better control of their sugar intake.

Get the school year off to a brilliant start by:

never bribing a child with food because bribing with food is a well-known cause of eating disorders.
making sure that your children understand why they're posting or sending something on social media. Help them make better decisions as to what to say and send, and what to hold off on.

Much of this answer, Theresa, may sound uncreative and superficial, but is clearly backed by research that you can Google.

At the end of the day, teaching your children to be mindful about how they go about interacting with other people will always be of value to them.

~Didi

Negligent Parent — Parenting
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Negligent Parent — Parenting

My question is about neglectful parenting.

What would you have said to a negligent parent who without asking left his six-year-old with you while you were having a beach day with your children. I was reading in my beach chair next to my three kids who were happily playing by the water’s edge dribbling sand castles when a father and daughter appeared out of nowhere and joined in the play. After about ten minutes the father said he would be right back and left the child with us. Without him ever having said that he was going to the restroom or to find some drinking water, I looked up from my book and trustingly said, “OK.”

To my consternation the father disappeared! I began to worry that this man whom, I might add, I had never seen before, had been run over in the parking lot or drowned in the ocean. I didn’t even know his name and we never got to speak about anyone we knew in common.

After two hours I ran into him at the bar where I was getting cold water for all the kids. He didn’t apologize.

–Name Withheld

Should you find yourself in a possible neglectful parenting situation again, quickly pipe up and say, "The tide's coming in and we're about to move on shortly, so don't be long." Don't be apologetic, but you can ask his name by introducing yourself first and asking him where you can find him if he's not back in twenty minutes. Create a boundary by setting a time limit to his absence.

~Didi

Tragic or Farcical Marriage — Relationships
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Tragic or Farcical Marriage — Relationships

I have a dilemma about a marriage and relationships. The daughter of a childhood friend who is also a work colleague, with whom I frequently play golf, is marrying a man who is gay. My knowledge comes from a highly reputable source. A big wedding will take place in a Catholic church, with a dinner dance reception at their estate for 300 guests; an expensive dance band will play all night. Everybody is happy, but me. I’ve known the family my whole life. What is my responsibility? Do I tell my childhood friend the next time we’re teeing off that his future son-in-law is gay? Or do I hypocritically attend the wedding with my wife, who also knows the groom is gay?

–Name Withheld, Eas Hampton, NY

This is not your dilemma no matter what you think about a marriage and relationships.

You might be heroic telling the bride-to-be, not her father, that you've heard from a reliable source that her fiancé is gay. But the better part of wisdom is simply to keep quiet.

What happens if the bride doesn't believe you? It's probably a risk you shouldn't take. You and your wife couldn't go to the wedding. People would wonder why you weren't there.
What if the bride already knows and says, "I love him and he loves me and we're getting married," and you hear Edith Piaf singing in the background, "Je ne regrette rien"?

You're walking a tightrope between comedy and tragedy.

What if she acknowledges the situation? It will feel like a tragedy, and you will only come off badly.
Or perhaps she is completely ignorant and you'll know you're part of a farce. Is she naive and too innocent to understand what she's getting into? Are you heroic enough to ask if they've made love?

As close as you are to the bride's family, it is none of your business. Dance with abandonment at her wedding, knowing that the situation in their marriage is not your concern.

If you feel you really have to say something, ask your old friend the father-of-the-bride, if the bride and groom have a prenup. Leave it at that.

~Didi

The Third Wife — Family Relationships
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Third Wife — Family Relationships

My question is about being the third wife and how to improve family relationships.

As the third wife, even after ten years of marriage, I feel like the outsider. My husband had three children with his first wife, who unexpectedly died too young. As a widower with three children, he may have married his second wife out of loneliness, but his now adult children remain close to their first stepmother — to the extent that she might just as well be their mother. I can’t seem to break through into the family circle. When we get together for holidays, birthdays and graduations, it seems as though there are three people in my marriage.

Even though I know my husband favors me, his children favor her. Any suggestions?

–GB, Seattle, WA

As the the third wife myself, I can relate personally to your concern about family relationships. I understand that there are a myriad of problems with being the last wife when the adult children are from your husband's first marriage.

Your husband's adult children have a strong bond with their first stepmother. After all, she was not only your husband's second wife, she is the closest they had to a real mother during formative years. They've been through a lot with their first stepmother. The bonds could be much stronger than you realize, especially while your husband was mourning the death of their mother.

If you really want to make it into the inner circle, create your own relationships with the adult children, their spouses/partners and your husband's grandchildren. Make your and your husband's own memories with them.

Think of yourself as a memory maker. Everything you do should generate a happy lasting remembrance. It is not about how much money you spend, but about the quality of the time you exert remembering birthdays and anniversaries and celebrating graduations and other milestones.

Encourage your husband to experience time with his adult children and their children alone by going fishing, sailing or taking a camping trip -- adventures that he does without you or his second wife.

Offer to help out with the grandchildren. Go to their soccer or baseball games, dance and musical recitals and attend plays. With your husband invite the grandchildren to spend the weekend or stay with you for a week during their vacation so that the parents are freed up to be alone together.

During that time, teach your step grandchildren how to muck out a stall, plant carrots, bake cupcakes, scramble eggs, wash a car, ride a bike, play chess or checkers, pingpong or croquet, draw or watercolor. You get the picture.
During these times have each child keep an album of photos, drawings, and well-wishing messages that they can return to the next time they visit. A memory book.
Display their artwork and be sure to have photos of each grandchild visible and laid out in frames around your home. It will make them feel welcome.
Keep file cards of each child's likes, dislikes, and allergies. If one child doesn't like hot dogs, don't serve them; when a child is allergic to peanuts, don't even have a jar of peanut butter in the fridge.
Find activities you can do together and have craft supplies and games in a bin that they can access easily filled with such items as: play dough, construction paper, watercolors and brushes, crayons, children's scissors, puzzles, board games, cards.
Take out books from your public library ahead of time, so you'll always have stories to read aloud to them, and eventually they'll read to you.

~Didi

Guns and Playdates — Children
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Guns and Playdates — Children

Didi, the number of people owning guns in our small community is scary. Our neighbors have guns in their home. I’ve seen the father walking to and from the car carrying a leather rifle case that looks as though its big enough for two rifles and one of the rifles was sticking out.

I don’t want our small children playing over there. How do I say, “No, my kids can’t spend time in your home?”

–Name Withheld

Don't let them go over there. This may sound too simplistic but my answer is pragmatic: Keep your children out and away from your neighbor's house and any home where you suspect there are guns. Look at it this way, if you had a child allergic to peanuts or cats or your children don't have any sugar in their diet at home, you would say: "My kids don't eat sugar, they don't have sugar in there diet, so I can't let them play at your house." So, you say: "We know you have guns in your home and I can't allow my children to play in a house where I know there are guns." There's always the danger that a little one will come upon a gun that happens to be loaded, with consequences that are terrible to contemplate. Tell the neighbor that you do not want your children in a home where there are guns of any kind and to please not make the situation difficult.

~Didi

Body Shaming — Body Image — Daughters and Sons
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Body Shaming — Body Image — Daughters and Sons

My question is about how to handle body shaming and body image.

Our eleven-year-old burst into tears last night and told us that boys at school made fun of her by calling her “whale tail.” She’s pleasantly plump, but she has a lovely disposition and is very bright and funny so has lots of girlfriends and a gay guy friend. Her brothers are also chubby, so they don’t tease her. When we asked the boys if their chubbiness has been made fun of at school, they said they hadn’t.

Making a big deal of this will only call attention to the unfortunate name calling, and could lead to making “Whale Tail” a permanent nickname. What do you suggest?

–LL, Salem, MA

Body shaming is not healthy for your daughter's body image. First of all, help your daughter to persevere when being bullied. The kids who are bullying her now are the same boys who will be bullying her next year and the year following that. You need to bully-proof your daughter by building up her resilience.

Make sure nobody in the home is teasing anybody about being overweight, because if a child feels secure at home she will be more resilient to name calling outside the home. When kids consistently accept who they are, they are better equipped to handle the cruel bullying in the schoolyard.
Encourage your daughter to try different activities to find one or two she can become engrossed in, such as a musical instrument, drawing, painting, singing, cooking, basketball, acting, until she finds her passion.
Don't be the makeup mom who overpraises her child for achievement she doesn't deserve, because she'll see through you. It backfires.
The compliment should match the accomplishment.
When she's upset, teach her to calm down by being mindful of her reactions to having been teased. Have her draw a cartoon, do a jigsaw puzzle, practice yoga, make a healthy salad for the family, or read a book.
Suggest that she be brave and talk directly to the person who teases her to tell him that he makes her feel badly when he calls her names, even if she needs an adult to facilitate the conversation.

At the end of the day, you don't want to support maladaptive thinking, because negative thoughts contribute to a child's low self-esteem and insecurities. You don't want her to dwell on the teasing. As a parent you can't protect your daughter from being bullied on the school playground. Nevertheless, you can build up her resilience by giving her effective coping tools that will serve her into adulthood. Being considerate of other people's feelings is good etiquette.

~Didi

May to December Romance
Creative Etiquette Solutions

May to December Romance

Didi, my question is about May to December romance.

My divorced father has fallen in love with an older woman and I’m having a very difficult time accepting the fact that they are actually getting married. I want to tell him that he might end up taking care of her and that he should date a woman his own age or younger who can take care of him. But I can’t. She makes him happy, which my mother certainly didn’t. What should I do?

–PA, Boston, MA

Thank you for your timely question about May to December romance. Henry Ford was fond of saying that those "who stop learning are old, whether at twenty or eighty." Two people who are the same age can be as different as night and day just as easily as two people decades apart can be terrifically compatible. I know 70-year-olds who are more active than fifty-year-olds. Try not to judge your future stepmother too harshly. You say that she makes your dad happy. Let it be.

A study by University of Notre Dame sociologist Elizabeth McClintock that analyzed 1,507 heterosexual couples found that we perpetuate the trophy wife notion by relying on our culturally ingrained biases. Think of your dad as a trophy husband.
Dr. McClintock's conclusion was that the majority of both men and women seek partners who are more similar to them than dissimilar. Whatever your dad and his fiancée have found in common are interests that run deep.

Support your father in his quest for finding true love. Give them a chance as a couple. Consider the 39-year-old French president Emmanuel Macron, whose wife, Brigitte, is 25 years his senior. Coincidently, that is the same span in ages between Mr. Trump and Melanie.

~Didi

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