Relationships Archives - Newport Manners

QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS
Creative Etiquette Solutions

QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS

How do we do the social bubble distancing? We’re bored to tears isolating. We love each other and our kids but spending every hour of every day together is too much for too long. We’ve done the Zoomtini with grownup friends and FaceTime a lot with family, but we’ve had enough of screens.

How can we spend time safely with friends and extended family? It seems forced and awkward trying to put together a bubble with one or two other families. Our kids’ closest friends have always been other kids they’ve been spending time with commuting in the school bus, playing soccer, lacrosse or pick up basketball. Their friendships, for the most part, didn’t include parents, except for the parents we mainly saw at home games.

How do we initiate the suggestion to other families and how do we know who to invite? What happens if it doesn’t work out? Or if they reject our invitation to start a bubble? How can we be sure they follow as rigidly the same social distancing and hygiene rules? How do we safely have a healthy social life again? People say they are being super careful, but are they really?

–Jennie, Brookline, MA

Hi Jennie, thanks for your questions about Quarantine Bubbles Protocol, social bubbles and social pods.

The risk of gathering together during the pandemic will change as time goes by. Warm summer weather is here just in time to allow for quarantine bubbles and social pods.

A double bubble is where two households meet outdoors and agree to adhere to social distancing guidelines in order to increase social contact. Having a picnic in a public place or taking turns for pizza in your backyard are a start. A household picks one other group to socialize with until lockdowns are further relaxed.

The bad news: Close and numerous social interactions with friends may need to be limited until a vaccine is available to all, modeling shows, to eliminated a second peaking of COVID-19. Recent studies in the UK found that under optimistic assumptions, contacts may have to be limited to 5-10 a day outside the home, and if 10% of previous contacts were resumed we would be at risk of a second peak of the virus outbreak.

The good news: The prospect of being in a bubble can give your family something to look forward to. Try forming a quarantine bubble consisting of a group of people or families whose members have been safely isolating; people who can eventually begin hanging out with other extremely cautious groups, as long as everyone obeys safety guidelines and agrees to be exclusive. At least that's what many European countries are doing as they begin to ease their lockdowns.

For instance, in Belgium, "Two sets of four people make a 'corona bubble' who can visit each other's homes. No one else is allowed into the domestic social circle." Eventually that first bubbles enlarges as trust and caution become the normal.

The trick is to go in light heartedly but with facts, "Hey, do you and your family want to join us in our quarantine bubble?" Then you go into detail about the guidelines your family has been following, including mention of how many times a week you go to the grocery store or/and gym and explain the routines you follow. If they're interested, they'll respond by telling you their routines about ordering groceries online and doing curbside pickups. Then suggest a picnic in a public space to see how everyone behaves.

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work and there will be other people interested in being part of a bubble, with the objective of eventually enlarging the bubble. Make it clear that if it doesn't click, the friendships will peter out and it will be obvious that it's time to find other people.

Keep in mind:

Social bubbles allow some social contact, while continuing to limit the risk of further Covid-19 transmissions.
The goal is to get to level 3 where your household bubble can include people such as close family members, care-givers or someone who needs care.
Beware that if the number of deaths does not continue to drop or the average number of people infected for every Covid-19 case increases, people will then not be allowed to use the bubble scheme.
Two sets of four people make a "corona bubble," who can visit each others houses but there are no hugs or other physical exchange like kissing.
In Northern Island now six people from different households can meet outdoors as long as social distancing is practiced.
Your social bubble is the people you live with. With extreme caution you can manage adding to your bubble.
Anyone experiencing coronavirus symptoms, or who is at a higher risk, should not be in a bubble, and needs to self-isolate.

As part of your first discussion:

When do you go out? For what reason?
Do you where a mask?
Do you keep 6 feet away from others?
When are you communicating with family?
What happens if someone in the bubble has symptoms of Covid-19?
What questions do you ask others?
What is the process for entering a bubble?
How would we set up protocol and etiquette?
What would be the protocol and etiquette?

Three things every member of the bubble must keep in mind:

There is the possibility of extending the bubble.
The bubble doesn't have to be forever.
The bubble gives everyone something to look forward to.

~Didi

COOPED UP — SPACE-SHARING — LEARNING TO LIVE TOGETHER
Creative Etiquette Solutions

COOPED UP — SPACE-SHARING — LEARNING TO LIVE TOGETHER

My question is about space-sharing etiquette during the Trump Pandemic. We’re cooped up.

We’re absolutely housebound in self-imposed lockdown, self-quarantining. Our three kids are home from college; they’re either hibernating in their rooms streaming, or are underfoot. I hear them arguing more than usual; especially when one isn’t taking precautions as thoroughly as he should according to his sibling. “You didn’t wash your hands long enough!” Or, “Stop touching your face.” Or, “If you cared about our family, you wouldn’t leave your wet tissues lying around for us to pick up. It’s disgusting.”

Feminism is down the drain with MY having to organize three meals a day for all of us. Cooped up, we feel as though we’re having to learn to live together after all these years of everybody being mostly out of the house.

I find I’m dragged into doing more than my share of the housework, more than I’m sued to, and I’ve become resentful. Or I should say, I’m systematically compelled to do everything. It’s partially my fault, because I’m trying to keep busy working at my job remotely, plus do the added housework and meal planning through the Trump Pandemic.

It’s like I want everything my way, I need to have full control of the running of the house because I can’t control anything outside of my house. But the reality is this: none of us feels in control of our lives.

We need some guidelines about sharing space. I never thought it would be so stressful being confined with the ones that I love most. We have a large enough house, but it’s sometimes irritating being in constant contact with my loved ones.

–Maggie, Newport

Hi Maggie, lovely to hear from you about space-sharing etiquette--despite the circumstances. We're all having to learn how to live together sharing space. Without a doubt it is challenging during these cooped up uncertain times. Nobody feels in control any longer of anything. It's as though the coronavirus is on the loose and nobody can catch it to snuff if out, it's not a scented candle in a jar with a lingering scent you're sick of smelling.

Space-Sharing Tips: Dos and Don'ts

Limit long periods of social interactions, whether with family or housemates, before the conversation becomes tedious. At the first sign of vibes going downhill--with criticisms, grievances or accusations--simply say, "Let's take a break," and leave the room. Know when to say to yourself, 'no more of this.' Like turning the TV to a different a channel, but this is reality TV.
Self-designate work spaces and/or set up a schedule for computer time. Let everyone choose their own workspace or set up a flexible schedule where they can trade workspace time.
Combatting the psychological heaviness. In these gloomy uncertain times we're all down-hearted. The ongoing combination of having a sense of foreboding mixed with terror and boredom is difficult to endure. Making it worse is the lack of physical comfort we derive from person-to-person contact.
Surprisingly, some anxiety can be productive. It motivates us to wash our hands more often and to distance ourselves from others physically--anxiety gives us an important reason to do so.
Even though watching the news can exacerbate anxiety, it's important to get the facts straight. For instance, outbreaks of influenza tend to wan in warmer weather. Wrong, the coronavirus might not ease so easily. Look at Singapore (located in the tropics) and Australia (where it is still summer), which is why summer plans need to stay fluid to avoid further disappointment. Along with sticking to physical-distancing to avoid person-to-person transmission, which is the only way to slow the spread of the coronavirus.
Draw straws as to who chooses what you're watching on the family TV, then if others don't want to watch they can go off and read or stream from their laptops.

Create a rotating chore list:

Wastebasket and garbage patrol and disinfecting the containers.
Emptying the dishwasher, putting away the dishes and refilling it, and disinfecting the kitchen sink and counter.
Washing pots and pans, and cleaning table tops, stove, and counters.
Emptying and loading washer and dryer and folding laundry (if family members are not responsible for washing their own sheets, towels, washcloths, laundry bag and clothing).
Watering house plants.
Walking the dog.
Disinfecting bathrooms.
Vacuuming and mopping floors.
Dusting.
Disinfecting hard surfaces. Including doorknobs, remote controls, phones, fridge handles, faucets and toilet handles, and cabinet pulls.

Beware, a few words of caution about using

99.99% disinfectant with clorox:

droplets on your clothing while cleaning

with spray will permanently

bleach out into little white spots.

Switch it up with chores by rotating the chores, including showing sons and fathers how to use a vacuum cleaner, mop the kitchen floor, and clean a bathroom.
Help maintain other people's privacy. Let them carve out a space of their own.
Know when you're being annoying and self-correct.
Don't press other people's buttons, and who knows how to do that better than siblings?

Respect other people's private space:

Knock on closed doors before entering.
While walking into a room when the door is open, clear your throat or hum--before entering--to signal that you're on your way in, so as not to startle someone deep in concentration.

Be considerate of others by thinking about how other people might be feeling. For instance don't leave dirty tissues laying around and clean up after yourself in the bathroom, as well as at the table or after lying on the couch; when you'll want to fluff up the pillows, refold the blanket and put your empty glass in the dishwasher or sink.
Nip it in the bud. Any issues that come up should be resolved or diluted by communicating them to everybody as soon as they surface. Otherwise bottled up frustrations, resentments, and grievances will dwell and exacerbate.
Show real empathy. Understand that we all deal with stress in our own way and in our own time, so don't let minor quirkiness, idiocrasy, eccentricity and gripes get on your nerves and bring you down.
Learn to talk to each other again. Strive for drama-free family dinners; learning to live together--perhaps all over again. It's an opportune time for family members to talk about their aspirations; what they would like to do with their lives after they get out of hibernation.
Be social. After dinner, play boardgames, chess, backgammon, pingpong, poker or cards. Make popcorn and watch movie classics on TMC.
Check your own emotions. Fear can be contagious. Monitor and manage your own sense of worry.
Be a listener. Disappointment and sadness over missing an anticipated event and even fear of the unknown can cause worry and anxiety. Validate emotions whether the emotion is disappointment, fear of the unknown, or something in between.
What can we learn from this? Encourage freedom to express frustration. There is definitely something therapeutic about having a person who is willing to listen to you and hear you out.
Encourage consistency. Keep meals on time. Get bathed and dressed as usual. Keep to a schedule.
Lastly, despite rain, wind, and fog, take a walk once a day--even for twenty minutes.

Treat people as you would

like them to treat you.

As parents, we create good, bad and even ugly memories, which, obviously, we don't mean to do. When was the last time you all baked cookies or brownies?

Give the gift of listening today.

~Didi

INTRODUCING PEOPLE: MEETING & GREETING — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
Creative Etiquette Solutions

INTRODUCING PEOPLE: MEETING & GREETING — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE

I’m concerned that I’m not introducing people properly. What is the proper way to introduce someone? How do you know who to introduce first? Who to shake hands with first when you’re in a mixed gender social or business situation?

My work colleague and I disagree on introducing etiquette and we’d like to have your advice.

–TG, Boston

Hello TG,

In postmodern etiquette, I'm of the opinion that a woman is always introduced first. She stretches out her arm and hand for the first handshake.

When there is more than one woman,

I would shake the hand of

the closest woman to me first.

In a situation where there

is an elderly person,

I would shake her or his hand first.

The exception socially would be if there was an elderly person or a known elected, appointed, or ordained official, such as a pope, senator, mayor, or rabbi. Although not a doctor or soccer coach. But in a formal situation, perhaps, a principal, headmaster, or the president of the New York Stock Exchange would be introduced first -- regardless of gender.

A transgender person would be identified by his or her first name, and if that's not clear because she or he is introduced as Brook, Alex, Alexis, Jackie, Jamie, Kelly, Lee, or Leslie, Morgan, Pat, Robin, Taylor, etc., the combination of their hair style, makeup, and clothing might possibly give you a clue.
So those who identify female would take the lead in introducing and shaking hands first.
In an all women or all men situation, the person who knows the person introduces their friend or colleague, even if s/he may know him/her by reputation only.

INTRODUCE YOURSELF: When the person you're with forgets to introduce you, step forward and say your name along with a tidbit of information to connect you and perhaps get the conversation going. "Josh Goodrich, George and I work together at GL&C."

Personal note: It irks me when I am in a professional situation and the husband (who shares my business interest) is introduced first, it feels disrespectful and I wonder if the wife's feelings are hurt.

Example: Make it clear when you will be my child's teacher and I am to call you Mrs. Spencer, and not Mary. By labeling yourself as Mrs, saying, "I'm Mrs. Spencer, I'll be your son's teacher next year." Then I know to teach Georgie that he has to call his teacher "Mrs. Spencer."

Introducing is key to networking.

Etiquette in business is

more important than you can imagine.

Relationship labels

Whether at work or play when introducing someone it is polite to identify your relationship as "my friend Amy," or "my office mate, Josh," or "work husband, Jeff."

In work situations, labels can be tricky. Is the person you're with your boss, your underling, your coworker? Best to label him or her as your "colleague"; "We work together," "We're on the same team at ..." "We used to both work at ..." "We met at Stamford."

In social situations, labels can be much dicer. Apparently, it's never "cool" to give a romantic unmarried relationship a label. Hopefully, at some point, after you've moved in together, you have the "What are we conversation," about how to label your relationship to make it less confusing for new, as well as old, acquaintances. Even if the relationship isn't "traditional" -- we all know that everyone does intimacy differently. Sometimes the pace is confusing, sometimes you just know. But give us a clue: "I want you to meet my girlfriend, Amy Scott." "Eric and I live together and he's the father of my two kids."

Social faux pas:

"It's nice to meet you!"

If you're meeting someone for the first time, how do you know that it is nice to meet them? You don't, unless ...
If your friend had previously told you how nice the guy is, then you can say, "Jake says you're a great guy (a hard worker, a super good tennis player)."

My point is this: try to be more creative -- even if you say, "Great tie," or "Beautiful scarf "... That's more original than saying "nice to meet you."

Meeting and greeting

struts your style

and sets the tone,

for better or for worse.

At the end of a meeting or double date, you can say, "Nice meeting you," or "It was great getting to know you."

Personal note:

Recently when I was introduced to a married couple the husband was introduced to me first, along with the nature of the connection that he and his wife shared with the person who was introducing us.

I made a horrible faux pas.

The husband stuck out his hand to shake mine, but I shifted toward his wife and shook her hand first, before shaking his. Was it a faux pas? In my mind, I knew to shake the hand of the wife first. What do you think?

~Didi

PHUBBING aka PHONE SNUBBING: THE SOCIAL FAUX PAS — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
Creative Etiquette Solutions

PHUBBING aka PHONE SNUBBING: THE SOCIAL FAUX PAS — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE

How do I convince my girlfriend to breakup with her phone? It’s a real bore. She’s constantly checking it even when it pings with a text she could read later. Since she doesn’t wear a watch, she says she needs to know the time when she sees me watching her check her phone.

She can’t sit through a full-length movie or have an uninterrupted conversation, let alone a night out alone just the two us! Not only that, but she gets upset with social media and group texts. Last night she went ballistic after discovering she had been left off of a group text even though she was told it was a mistake, and she couldn’t give up her anger!

With a glance she’ll throw me the old “mmhmm,” once in a while pretending she’s listening, but I hardly consider that a conversation.

It’s like there are three of us in our relationship! Any ideas?

–PK, Brooklyn, NY

Cellphones may not be an addictive substance but they definitely are a species-level environmental shock. The good news is, digital wellness is on it's way! There are many solutions in the form of new devices to help unhook the brain from the harmful routines of smartphone use. and hooking it on to other ways to spend time, such as reading a real book, practicing yoga, etc.:

"Light Phone" - sets limits on time-stealing apps.
"Digital Detox" packages - are available in luxury hotels ($295.)
Set up mental speed bumps by putting a scrunchie or rubber band around your phone to make you stop and think before using.
Or change the screen lock to one that asks three questions: Why now? What for? and What else?
Be alone with your thoughts and pay more attention to your surroundings instead of your phone.
Toss out apps that don't make you happy.
People who don't charge their phones in their bedroom, use them less.

Detox will make one more attentive to being present in the moment, and able to spend more time listening--and less easily distracted. They say the average person picks up their phone 50 times a day as a way of coping with boredom and anxiety. UGH!

How you go about telling someone

to try some of these remedies?

Try them yourself.

Start with agreeing to stop charging phones in the bedroom.
Take 24 hours during a weekend for a joint "trial separation" from your phone(s).
The next step is a get-away-weekend without your six-inch glass-and-steel rectangles.
Make a goal of one hour a day for cellphone use--perhaps picking up your phone only 20 times.
When suddenly finding yourself sucked into your phone--self-correct.

Remind yourself that life is what you should be paying attention to and not the magical object that can order cannabis delivered to your door at midnight.

Look people in the eye and listen when they talk.

What to say about the poor etiquette of phubbing:

Phubbing is snubbing the one you're with.
Hey, put down that cellphone! You're snubbing me!
Stop phubbing your partner.
Get it into your head that phubbing is a bad, modern-day habit.
79% say phubbing hurts their ability to interact with their partners.
Using a handset while with a partner undermines the quality of the relationship.
Researches say phubbing is a relationship buster up there with money problems, bad sex and having kids.
There are increasing numbers of people in long-term relationships that feel they must compete with their partner's smartphone for attention.
Are you a nomophobe (no-mobile-phone phobia)? Scared to be without your mobile phone?

RELATIONSHIP TIPS FOR PHONE ADDICTS

Keep the phone away from you on silent; for instance in a tote bag or backpack or up on a shelf.
When you feel you have to check on something legitimately important, give an explanation to your partner first and then check your phone.
Never be defensive when you get called out for technoference (the interference of technology in couple relationships)--it's somebody's way of telling you they'd like to connect in person.

Sorry you're feeling phubbed,

now do something about it, and

I don't mean installing a signal blocker

in your living room or bedroom.

~Didi

DATING ETIQUETTE — Ghosting, Orbiting + Haunting
Creative Etiquette Solutions

DATING ETIQUETTE — Ghosting, Orbiting + Haunting

Dating etiquette was quite different when I was a teen. I’m trying to keep up with what’s going on with my young teenager and her friends. My daughter’s friend (let’s call her Amy) had a date for her school prom with a boy (we’ll call Johnny) from a neighboring town. At the last minute Johnny backed out.

Johnny and Amy connected through my daughter on social media. It seemed to be an amicable friendship. Even though they never actually met in person, they messaged everyday for three months. Now Amy and my daughter are wondering what went wrong? How could Johnny break the date to go to the prom with Amy without offering an excuse?

How do we teach our teenagers to navigate dating on social media in a more civilized and polite manner?

–Alice

Believe it or not, just when we thought etiquette was dead, we have an new dating etiquette. There is an etiquette to orbiting. In case you didn't know, orbiting is the new ghosting. The manners of dating are ever-changing. The last I heard ghosting was the new thing in dating. From my point of view ghosting is quite rude and totally impolite. I hated writing about it. Readers complained that they were hurt after being dumped or ghosted with no way back. There is no etiquette as to how to repair a gap in a relationship. Until now. Perhaps now when people are orbiting they will be more considerate of other people's feelings.

In ghosting, which predates texting, you simply dump the person you were dating, courting or had previously had a crush on by going cold turkey and not answer texts or any kind of messaging. The dumper acts as though he/she never even knew the dumpee. Leaving the dumped to lick their wounds wondering what they did wrong. Too lazy, the wuss doesn't offer an explanation.

With orbiting it's all about the exciting anticipation of a date that may not actually ever be kept. It's risk aversion behavior. Orbiting is the current dating phenomenon.

There is no fear of obligation or commitment.
The heartbreak is allegedly less devastating when the relationship peters out -- drifts out of your orbit.
You circle round and round each other (much like wagging dogs sniffing each other in the park) through social media before making a decision as to whether to actually meet for the first time in person.
Or you return to the relationship you miss a lot.
It's self-protective.

When you discover that the other person follows you on Instagram and Snapchat and Likes and Replies to your Facebook posts, you know they're keeping you in their orbit. If he or she is always showing up at the top of your Instagram posts, you're in their orbit and they are in your orbit. Keeping tabs on the "Ha Ha," "Tee, hee," or "Awesome" in response to a tweet shows you're orbiting.

A common theme in online dating is keeping an eye on your options.
In the gay community orbiting is a diplomatic way of cultivating being part of the community.
People orbit when they are not ready to commit but don't want to totally eliminate contact because they might miss out on being able to reconnect going forward.
Dming on a post is a way of getting into another person's orbit.
Orbiting lets us keep tabs on people whether it's a platonic or romantic relationship.
Not texting someone back is as rude as not returning a phone call or answering an email.
On the other hand, if s/he's a narcissist, s/he'll be back -- so block him or her.

As you can see there are many nuances to dating. With the tap of one's fingertips we're in a world where simply opening an app allows us to find out what a friend or lover is doing daily.

Orbiting is creepy. Like stalking, so watch out. Especially if you've been ghosted and s/he's orbiting you. Block him or her.

Think about orbiting as simply a game of hide-and-seek. If someone once ghosted you and they're still spying on you through social media, they are haunting you. It sounds as though your Johnny either couldn't get a ride to the dance and was too embarrassed to use that as an excuse, or he saw something on social media that changed his mind about going to the prom. It could have happened the other way around.

Us this incident as an opportunity to teach empathy.
From time to time monitor your teen's Internet behavior in the hope that you don't find that s/he is wasting time orbiting, or is being hauntingly orbited by someone else.

~Didi

One Too Many Women — Relationships & Romance
Creative Etiquette Solutions

One Too Many Women — Relationships & Romance

Is it right to fall in love with two ladies at once?

–Oluwapelumi, Kwara, Nigeria

Thank you for asking about loving two women at the same time.

Since I'm not a priest or relationship therapist, my answer to your question about loving two women at once is based on manners and etiquette.

You probably feel like a fool for being romantically in love with two women at the same time, and feeling guilty that you're breaking some kind of rule or taboo.

A lot depends upon which woman you are the most committed to.
If you are married to one, work on that relationship first; don't see the other woman while you're trying to make a decision about the first woman.

Loving two people at the same time must feel overwhelming.

It is perfectly possible that you are capable of loving two women at the same time. Although, eventually you may start running out of energy and resources trying to please two women, and that could affect your health, as well as your bank balance.

Your two relationships may be at two different stages.

The first being a flirtatious infatuation, while the other has reached a more mature level.

Ask yourself:

If the table was turned and one of the women was romantically in love with two men and couldn't decide between two guys, what would you advise her to do?
How do you feel while imagining both of these women kissing other men?
Which woman would you not be willing to share with someone else?
What would you think if you knew one of the women was in love with someone else?
Is it about love or sex?
Are you really torn between two lovers or do you have your ego and love mixed up?

Occasionally, love comes knocking and you find yourself torn between two lovers. Best of luck.

~Didi

I Wanna Hold Your Hand — Romance
Creative Etiquette Solutions

I Wanna Hold Your Hand — Romance

I love seeing other couples holding hands, but I feel self-conscious initiating it myself. My experience is that guys don’t like being seen holding hands. When I’ve brushed my hand against my fiancé’s to signal that I want him to take my hand, he doesn’t respond. He’s just not interested.

I’ve always been into the romance of holding hands. In the car, across the table in a restaurant, walking down the street, at a concert, or watching a movie in bed at night. When I take my fiancé’s hand in mine he tolerates it for a few seconds and withdraws it too quickly. I’m worried my hands are clammy or maybe it makes him think I’m too needy. Which, by the way, I’m not.

–Name Withheld

Talking about romance and hand holding.

Should your fiancé be one of those lucky kids whose parent took him by the hand and walked him to school every day from preschool through third grade, he may feel you're acting too parental -- too maternal.

If he can't handle your clammy hands, think about what else he can't handle?

Hand-holding capability doesn't have to be gauged by a relationship barometer. Holding hands while walking down your street might work for twenty seconds until he realizes it makes him self-conscious.

Try holding hands when you're alone. Carry tissues and wipe your hands first. See how long you can gently hold his hand in a darkened movie theatre. Your fiancé will be less likely to feel paranoid when he knows nobody is watching.
Should he pull away and say he really doesn't like holding hands, wouldn't that be a relief. Then you'd know for sure.
Perhaps you may find he's happier putting his hand on your leg or putting his arm around you.
Tease him about hand-holding being a portable hug.
Many feel intimacy is in the elbow creases, so try linking arms.
Work on finding a symbol of connectivity, your own private love language -- a sweet and small sign of intimacy -- a kiss on the hand, an arm hug,

The Power of Touch

Our brain gives a disproportionate amount of attention to the fingers and hands, as compared to the rest of the body.

The Beatles celebrated the romance of love language singing these lines:

Yeah, I'll tell you something

I think you'll understand

When I say that something

I want to hold your hand

(John Lennon and Paul McCartney).

~Didi

Don’t Let Financial Infidelities Keep You From Marriage
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Don’t Let Financial Infidelities Keep You From Marriage

I love my live-in boyfriend. We’ve been together three years, and he wants to get married, but I’m hesitant because we haven’t worked out the money thing. We really don’t have the money we need to save for our ideal wedding. Not that we have to have fancy champagne and a catered dinner.

How do I get Billy to focus on the fact that we need to talk about money and make plans. We never discuss our finances. Sometimes he has money, sometimes not, but he pays half the rent and utilities. What’s a wannabe bride to do?

–Name Withheld

You don't need to read studies to tell you that the most common problem most couples face is the hesitancy of talking about money. You're certainly not alone, Ms. Wannabe bride, in your wish to take stress out of your relationship by dealing with money more responsibly.

So make a pact. Assure your boyfriend that you're committed to keeping your financial independence, but you'd like it if the two of you would start setting aside money to pay for your debt-free wedding. How much can you reasonably both contribute a month to the wedding pot?

First off, you must have a truthful sit-down discussion about your spending.

"Financial infidelities" are the greatest concerns for most couples. Hiding spending is a relationship breaker.

What are your pet hidden expenditures?
How much of that can you each commit to the wedding pot?
How much of that can you spend on shared experiences such as date nights, vacations and entertaining friends?

Investing in your long term relationship is something to work on together. Try cutting down by spending more time and money on having shared experiences.

When friends and relatives learn your plan, they may even offer to pitch in to help pay for your wedding. Wouldn't that be helpful!

~Didi

Shyness Is Old-Fashioned
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Shyness Is Old-Fashioned

My question is about how to help my girlfriend overcome her painful shyness.

My girl is extremely shy and fears people, she can’t even look me in the eyes but claims to love me so much to the extent of boasting to her friends that I’m hers … Is this normal, and is there a way I can help her boost her confidence??

–SF, Kenya, Africa

Thank you for your question about how to help your girlfriend overcome shyness.

Why not buy her a pair of hoop earrings to show off to her friends. When she wears them she may feel empowered with pride.

More importantly, talk to her. Tell her about your feelings for her.

Say that you want her to look you in the eyes when she speaks to you and to listen with her eyes when you are telling her something. She can break the habit of not making eye contact if you instill in her the fact that eye contact is a powerful way to communicate.

And that when she talks to someone she has strong feelings toward, she should back up her words with eye contact.

Eye contact is a kind of intimacy that develops over time when there is genuine trust on both sides.

My hunch is that she's shy about having sex. You can't assume from anyone's behavior that they are consenting to having sex.

Your girlfriend needs to feel safe about her feelings. Sex is performance based. She may not understand how to talk about sex or how to decide whether to consent or not.
You and she need a more nuanced understanding of consent. Verbal and visual signs are significant indicators. Talk about sex openly.
No subject should be off limits.

~Didi