Adult Child Archives - Newport Manners

When First Impressions Really Matter — Student Life
Creative Etiquette Solutions

When First Impressions Really Matter — Student Life

Our son is unhappy about his sullen roommate. Our first impressions when we moved him into his dorm and met his roommate, were not cheerful. My husband and I tried to dissuade Jake from judging him to quickly. We probably overdid it when Jake complained about his disposition. He says they don’t talk and stay out of each other’s way.

How do we handle this problem politely?

–Name Withheld

Go beyond first impressions. Your son will get to know his roommate better over time. The roommate may be feeling incredibly stressed or irritated. He may have never been away from home before, let alone having to adjust to living with a total stranger. First impressions are unfair. Everyone has something that they are dealing with, worried about and fear.

Such anxiety often is hard to disguise. It is expressed on a person's face. The roommate on first impression may look angry, sad or lost. Perhaps he's just worried that he won't fit in or be able to keep up. He may be depressed about financial concerns.

According to Alexander Todorov, in his new book FACE VALUE: THE IRRESISTIBLE INFLUENCE OF FIRST IMPRESSIONS, it only takes 30 milliseconds (or one-tenth of a second), for our brain to form snap character judgements from a first impression. In particular the person's level of attractiveness, politeness, trustworthiness, and powerfulness. "These impressions," Todorov writes, "are closer to perception than to thinking. We don't need to think, we see." He says that impressions register on our senses. Senses are based on past experiences.
University life is largely about having new experiences and learning not to base a person's character on a first impression.

Suggest that your son, from time to time, tries smiling at his roommate to help him relax. Smiling creates what behavioral scientists call feedback loops. When we smile - even when we're not feeling joyful - the body releases hormones that helps the body relax naturally and be happy.

If that doesn't work, your son should look into changing roommates. He'll figure that out on his own.

In some cultures, making eye contact is a breach of etiquette, but a simple smile is universally accepted.

~Didi

10 Halloween Manners Tips for Children
Creative Etiquette Solutions

10 Halloween Manners Tips for Children

The scariest part of the tradition of trick-or-treating at Halloween is the worry that our children who are allergic to tree nuts will come in contact with peanuts, which is the third ingredient (after sugar and chocolate) in most treats sold for kids. How do we get the scariness of the treat away from our fear and make the tradition a fun teaching opportunity?

–Name Withheld

As terrifying for children scared of other masqueraders, Halloween can be a real nightmare for the parents who are afraid their child will bite into something that will hurt them -- from razor blades to peanuts. For a child of any age, going door to door asking for treats takes social skills and manners. Aside from birthday party manners, Halloween is the most significant holiday manners-wise. Ahead of time, read to your child "The Berenstain Bears Happy Halloween." Then have fun role playing the knocking on the door and the script below to familiarize the child with the nuances of the Halloween tradition:

Look for the knocker or bell and use one of those before pounding on the door or window of a residence that celebrates Halloween with a pumpkin, or other themed display.
Be sure they ask politely, "Treat, please." Or an older child would say, "May I please have a treat?"
When asked who they are dressed as (when it is not obvious), the child should be prepared to say, "I'm one of the Berenstain Bears, Sister Bear."
When told to only pick two treats, they should only take two.
It is polite to take the first candy closest to them. In other words, they shouldn't scoop through the bowl to find a purple lollipop, because if there isn't one on top the purple may have been taken.
Have the child choose only treats that are individually wrapped and sealed in their original wrapping.
When the child has a nut tree or other allergy, he should show the treat to his parent/caregiver for approval and place it back in the bowl, if he can't eat it.
When there is nothing the child likes or can eat, she should take one treat and give it to her parent so as to not hurt the little old lady's feelings.
Remind the child that once he's taken the treat, he should not put it back to exchange it for a different one.
Thank the person for the treat. If possible, by naming the sweet. "Thank you for the lollipops!"

~Didi

The Taboo of The Teacher-Student Relationship
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Taboo of The Teacher-Student Relationship

In the nineties, when I attended a boarding school for four years, it was well-known that there were certain students who flirted with teachers and other staff members. Whether in the hope of getting better grades or out of sheer playful teenage lust, it was evident to most of us who was flirting with whom. Some students appeared much needier for adult attention than others and wore their illicit affair as a badge of courage — the teacher’s pet. There are obvious consequences for the promiscuous behavior on both sides. Nobody wants to snitch on anybody, but in all fairness, there are two sides to every story being exposed and every secret illicit act.

In teaching these adolescent ladies and gentlemen manners, what can schools do today to end sexual abuse?

–Anonymous, Boston

Aside from hiring an undercover detective to bring predators to justice, it would be far more productive in the long run for schools to offer stronger professional support to their faculty. There is the taboo of the teacher-student relationship. There are important boundaries which must never be crossed. However, when the boundaries become hazy, teachers are more apt to find themselves dazzled -- and more than likely, confused. They need to find a way to talk about the feelings being experienced by both the teacher and the student, and how to make sense of them. The taboo, of course, makes the adult and the teenager feel humiliated, because in shame they are forced to hide their emotions. In a perfect world, there would be a way for the teacher to acknowledge his or her feelings by talking them through. That process should strengthen their resolve rather than make them feel that their emotions are a show of weakness, sickness, perverseness. It goes without saying that the child should have support, too, but it is the adult who is legally and ethically responsible for handling his or her power in a healthy manner. The adult, then, would be better able to steer the relationship. When they understand that when they have greater control over the relation with the student, fewer boundaries are crossed.

~Didi

7 Spring Break Tips
Creative Etiquette Solutions

7 Spring Break Tips

We are freaking out about our daughter going off on her first spring break. She looks older than her age, and her friends are seemingly more sophisticated than she is. How can we assist in setting her up for a good experience without being accused of being over-protective helicopter parents?

–CW, Mattapoisett, MA

Nervous about spring break expectations and speculations? You're not alone. It is every parent's nightmare from hell. You can navigate the letting go without hovering too closely. Send your daughter the attached University of Virginia infographic.jpg from gordiecenter.studenthealth.virginia.edu to remind her that you will be thinking about her health and safety while she is on spring break. Additionally, try bringing up your concerns (some of which are listed here) in conversation. SSB Infographic

* Ask about her plans. Planning a successful trip requires preparation, especially if she is taking medications. Will she have enough birth control for instance or latex condoms, if she is sexually active? Does she need to be vaccinated? Apply for a visa? Should she notify her bank that she'll be using her debit or credit card in Costa Rica? Does she have a confirmed reservation that coincides with her arrival and departure dates for the place where she is staying? It's best to arrive with a reservation number. If she's going camping on St. John in the Virgin Islands, she'll need mosquito repellent. 17229048262_5496df9903_o-300x300

Have her send you her itinerary. Make her promise to use sunscreen, even if she's going skiing, and to text you every so often. Ask her to text immediately with any change in plans. *Warn her about the prevalence of sexually transmitted diseases because women are more likely to be victims of sexual assault than men. Sexual assault is usually unprotected. *Think safety. More Americans under thirty die from unintentional injuries than any other cause. Think seat belts, life jacket, ski helmet and have the right gear. The facts are clear, unintentional injuries and acts of violence are among the top ten killers of Americans of all ages. 12347213-Happy-carefree-mountain-bike-couple-cycling-outdoors-and-leading-a-healthy-lifestyle--Stock-Photo

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*Warn her to protect her eyes from the sun. If she has contacts, she needs to take lens cleaners and a spare pair of glasses, and wear sunglasses in warm places or ski goggles in snowy ones during the day. *Support sports and activities that keep young adults out of the bars, like downhill skiing, rock climbing, and scuba diving. *Eat and play healthfully. She should opt to avoid alcohol and any type of smoking whenever possible. What she smokes in her dorm is most likely less potent than what she'll be offered on spring break. And as to those dirty little pills that are often handed around like M&M'S, who knows what they really contain? *Know who your daughter is traveling with because she'll need a 'buddy,' should there be a problem. Stress the importance of the buddy system. Always let a reliable friend know where you are while traveling. SPI-001

Some parents make their kids sign a pledge not to smoke or drink with a reward after a period of time for not imbibing. That, or they tell them their own personal horror stories of mistakenly drinking the acid-laden tropical punch from the party fountain in St. Thomas or eating too many mushrooms in Santa Fe. Then there is the frightening story of Gordie Bailey, a college freshman, who died of alcohol poisoning, the result of fraternity hazing. The great thing about texting is they don't have an excuse for not contacting you, unless of course they loose their phone or there isn't a cell tower; both of which are feasible. Couple-Running2-1

I strongly believe that you can never caution your children too often about sex, drugs, and alcohol. For more information on keeping your daughter safe on her spring break, check out the GordieFoundation.org and send your daughter the link to their YouTube Haze https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAiaYOVzhXo You're not alone. Most of us feel we are deficient when it comes to parenting skills. On the other hand, the importance of allowing young women to take risks is a risk we as parents have to take, too. Adventures build self-confidence and foster independence. According to a recent study in the Journal of Pediatric Psychology, moms and dads are "four times more likely to tell girls than boys to be more careful." When we warn young women to be careful are we, in fact, undermining their self-confidence? iStock_000017269589Large-2

~Didi

Mothers’ Expectations of Daughters
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Mothers’ Expectations of Daughters

I want to know if sending a book about strong women during the civil war would be an appropriate book to send to my daughters (One of whom has a toddler. My other daughter, unfortunately, had a recent miscarriage.) In doing so, I wanted to say to them that they will make great, strong, mothers, but I didn’t want to make my second daughter feel sad, or anxious. The doctor says she will undoubtedly have another opportunity to have a healthy baby and not to worry. The book is really wonderful and talks about how strong women are and can be. My daughters are thirty-somethings. Thank you.

–Victoria, Piedmont, North Carolina

Before sending the book why not ask each daughter if she would like to read it? Then ask what they would read it on? For instance, digitally (on a Nook, Kindle, or tablet) or would they be more apt to read a hardcover (or paperback) book? If they read only digital books and you send a hardcover book, you may be disappointed if your daughters don't read it. People can be fussy about how they read a book -- digitally or the old-fashioned way. We should communicate with our daughters on their wave length for more effective results. Sending your daughters -- out of the blue -- a book with a particular message could come off as tedious preaching. Asking first may lower your expectations, but at least you'll be less disappointed when you find out they didn't read it. Mothers' expectations of daughters should be realistic and you certainly do not want to make this a competition. Most mothers have the best intentions, so why not take a random-reach-out approach in the form of a call to make a lunch date first to pave the way. Over lunch or a walk in the park, ask your daughter if she would like to read the Civil War book about interesting women. Engage her in some of the stories by telling her about characters you discovered and why you admire them. At a later date -- say, while preparing the Thanksgiving turkey -- she may bring up some of the characters and their stories.

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~Didi

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