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  • “NEWPORT ETIQUETTE”
  • Body Shaming — Body Image — Daughters and Sons
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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Bridezilla Is Quite Simply Impossible — Wedding Etiquette
Gift Giving — What to Give His Boyfriend
Body Shaming — Body Image — Daughters and Sons

My question is about how to handle body shaming and body image.

Our eleven-year-old burst into tears last night and told us that boys at school made fun of her by calling her “whale tail.” She’s pleasantly plump, but she has a lovely disposition and is very bright and funny so has lots of girlfriends and a gay guy friend. Her brothers are also chubby, so they don’t tease her. When we asked the boys if their chubbiness has been made fun of at school, they said they hadn’t.

Making a big deal of this will only call attention to the unfortunate name calling, and could lead to making “Whale Tail” a permanent nickname. What do you suggest?

–LL, Salem, MA

Body shaming is not healthy for your daughter's body image. First of all, help your daughter to persevere when being bullied. The kids who are bullying her now are the same boys who will be bullying her next year and the year following that. You need to bully-proof your daughter by building up her resilience.
  • Make sure nobody in the home is teasing anybody about being overweight, because if a child feels secure at home she will be more resilient to name calling outside the home. When kids consistently accept who they are, they are better equipped to handle the cruel bullying in the schoolyard.
  • Encourage your daughter to try different activities to find one or two she can become engrossed in, such as a musical instrument, drawing, painting, singing, cooking, basketball, acting, until she finds her passion.
  • Don't be the makeup mom who overpraises her child for achievement she doesn't deserve, because she'll see through you. It backfires.
  • The compliment should match the accomplishment.
  • When she's upset, teach her to calm down by being mindful of her reactions to having been teased. Have her draw a cartoon, do a jigsaw puzzle, practice yoga, make a healthy salad for the family, or read a book.
  • Suggest that she be brave and talk directly to the person who teases her to tell him that he makes her feel badly when he calls her names, even if she needs an adult to facilitate the conversation.
At the end of the day, you don't want to support maladaptive thinking, because negative thoughts contribute to a child's low self-esteem and insecurities. You don't want her to dwell on the teasing. As a parent you can't protect your daughter from being bullied on the school playground. Nevertheless, you can build up her resilience by giving her effective coping tools that will serve her into adulthood. Being considerate of other people's feelings is good etiquette.  

~Didi

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  • The Twelve Sins of Christmas
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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The Twelve Sins of Christmas

What are the etiquette dos and don’ts of the Christmas season and what about regifting-rituals and tipping, how much and to whom?

–DF, Providence

Dos and Don'ts of The Christmas Season   Unexpected gift 1.  What do you do when someone gives you a gift and you're not prepared to give them one in return? DF, Providence A. Send the person a real Christmas card with a warm few lines to say how much you liked their thoughtful, funny, useful, or delicious gift. An e-card is also appropriate (see jacquielawson.com). Either will most certainly get you off the hook. Next time you see her in person, mention again how much you liked the gift. You may want to include that you focus your gift giving on 'family members.' If the gifter is a family member, be more specific and say 'immediate family.' The sin would be to say nothing. Unwanted gift 2. When someone gives you a gift you don't want and there is no gift receipt, can you ask for a copy of the receipt?  Allison, Newport A. Simply say that your present toaster oven is more than adequate and ask if there is a receipt you could use to exchange their gift from you for a juicer. When there is no receipt, ask where it was purchased and a good store should honor the exchange as long as it is in its original box. The sin would be to ask the giver to exchange it for you. images-37 Holiday tipping 3. Will our dog walker be expecting a holiday tip? If so, how much do we tip him? Also, who else do we tip and how much?  Elizabeth, NYC A. If your dog walker has been working for a year, then tip the cost of his service for one week. If you have more than one dog, add the half-a-week cost for each additional dog. Tip everyone. It is the right thing to do. If you can't give cash in an envelope, give a holiday card. Do it before Christmas. Put yourself in the position of the person who services you in recognition of their loyalty. Give people what they want, it is probably money. You can't go wrong by tipping the following the very least:
  • Mail carrier and newspaper deliverer: $20; hairdresser or barber: cost of normal treatment; sanitation worker: $20; daycare and teachers: follow the school rules; housekeeper, caretaker, babysitter, nanny: one week's salary; doorman and janitor: $100. The sin would be not to tip those who make your life easier.
images-42 Damaged goods 4. What do you do when a Christmas gift, such as a picture frame, arrives in the mail broken? OT, Worcester, MA A. Call the provider to ask how you go about replacing the spoiled goods. They may send you an authorized return number that you would write on the original package and send back, or they might email you an address label to print out and attach to the box. The sin would be to complain to the giver instead of to the store from which the gift was sent. Regifting-rituals 5. What do you say when the person opening the present you gave him catches you off guard and tells you that his wife had given you that ugly Christmas sweater two years ago?   TC, Santa Monica, CA A. Simply say that you loved it so much that you decided he just had to have a Christmas sweater just like yours. Ahead of time be sure to get the Christmas sweater dry cleaned before recycling it back to him. The sin would be to complain. images-9 Guest dog 6. We've been invited to spend Christmas day with relatives who live two hours away which means we'll probably have to leave our dog, Buddy, alone for over eight hours. Our dog walker is not available so can we bring our dog with us?   JC, Newport, RI A. Not unless you call your host ahead of time to find out if it would be all right for you to bring Buddy. If a family member is allergic to dogs, you wouldn't want to have to leave Buddy shivering in your cold car while you're gorging on the Christmas feast. The sin would be to leave Buddy in your cold car or alone in your house. images-44 Fussy eaters 7. We're flying to the east coast to spend Christmas with my future parents-in-law. I'm a vegetarian and I don't eat dairy or sugar, let alone turkey. I'm packing protein bars but how do I politely get around not eating his mother's home cooking?   CP, Seattle, WA A. At some point you're going to have to come out of the pantry cupboard and tell your fiancé's mother that you have dietary restrictions. On your way from the airport stop at a food store and buy fresh fruit and vegetables that you can prepare for yourself without fuss. Armed with a bag of groceries, you will take a lot of the pressure off your future mother-in-law by making light of your dietary needs, because you'll be a self-sustaining guest. You shouldn't dominate the conversation with why you eat the way you do, and don't bring up the subject unless you're asked a direct question. During meals, take what you can eat. The sin would be to make a big deal out of your vegetarianism. Alcohol control 8. My husband and I have stopped drinking and his alcoholic parents are visiting from Ohio for a week around Christmas. For them Christmas isn't Christmas without eggnog laced with a good bourbon followed by very fine wines throughout dinner. We've alerted them that we're not drinking, and not comfortable having all that alcohol around. It would be better if his parents didn't come, but we want them to be a part of their grandchildren's Christmas. How do we handle this? Name Withheld A. You have two options. Your parents-in-law have two options. Have your husband phone his parents to say that they need to understand that your household is alcohol-free. Ask if they would consider staying at a nearby B&B or airhub, if you can find a room for them nearby? Reiterate that there won't be any alcohol in your house. Leave it up to them to make the decision. It seems to me that you've made the tougher resolution already and it is up to them to either find accommodations elsewhere where they can drink on their own, or stay in Ohio and let Santa deliver their presents in his sleigh. The sin would be to complain if they brought a bottle of bourbon in their suitcase. Inappropriate remarks 9. My wife says she's honest and never tells a lie. A good thing in a marriage, but not amongst friends. Too often she'll voice her opinion on politics, ethics, or interrupt the person who is talking with her theory or viewpoint. Her close family are used to her honesty even when it must seem to an outsider as confrontational. The victim of her ire is silenced, which happened last Christmas. It brings the air to a deafening stillness. You can hear a pin drop. She is not embarrassed because she is being honest. Any idea as to how to stop this from happening again? JG, Winston Salem A. Make a plan with close family to have someone sit next to your mom to gently let her know when she is taking a subject too far. Take turns. Keeping alcohol at bay should keep the loose lips from sinking too many ships. The sin would be to humiliate your mother too loudly. Homophobic comment 10. My stepfather thinks nothing of making homophobic comments about our wonderful thirteen-year-old son. Last Christmas when he and my mom came for Christmas day he lectured our son to not be a sissy. Then he advised him on how to be more manly. Whatever that means. Last year she made my homophobic stepfather leave early. She feels badly about his behavior and doesn't know how to control it, but to ask him to go home and she stays and helps me clean up. He ruins family gatherings with his criticisms, but I love my mom and feel bad for her. My son thinks he's a jerk and is more forgiving than me and his dad. Can you give us the etiquette on how to deal with my homophobic stepfather? AG, Hartford, CT A. Let's make this all about your son. He may ignore your stepfather, but the rest of you should not. Confront him. Beforehand your mother needs to set boundaries, "You cannot come with me to Annie's for Christmas if you're going to make homophobic remarks. It is not fair of you to ruin our family Christmas. We're the boy's grandparents, role models of adult behavior, and you behave like a bully." Then she's got to stick to her word and leave if her husband becomes disagreeable. You and your husband should back her up. Take your stepfather aside and ask him what's behind his homophobia. That should shut him up. The sin would be to do nothing. Thank-you notes 11. When our grandchildren were younger and believed in Santa Claus, and even when they no longer really believed in Santa but pretended they did, we never expected thank-you notes. How do we as grandparents teach our grandchildren to write us a thank-you note? Their mother dutifully sends a list of what to get them, usually with a link as to where to order the gift; I wrap them nicely and mail them to the West Coast, but wenever hear a word from them. EG, Saunderstown, RI A. Definitely for next year, if you don't have time now (Or you can do this for their birthdays.), send them stationery with their names or initials as the letterhead. On the card attached to the gift, write that you would love them to write you about whether or not they liked your present. The sin is to be bitter and sad about their inattention. Share your festivities 12. Aside from donating to the local food pantry and children's Christmas toy drive, how can we involve our family in being more empathetic toward those whose Christmas may not be as merry as ours? Beth, Middletown, RI images-10 A. Adopt a family for Christmas and involve your family members in thinking of ways to supplement their wish list. Please, do keep in mind the fact that the perfect gift is always the gift that the person is asking to be given. Talk to your friends and acquaintances to find out if any of them will be alone during the holidays and invite them to share in your family's festivities. You never know who may otherwise not celebrate the holiday. The sin would be to find out after the fact that a friend had been all alone with no place to be.

~Didi

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  • Online Dating Conmen
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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Online Dating Conmen

I started a relationship with a man on a renowned Internet dating site that ended in disaster. Unfortunately, it took me too long to understand that he was a conman. Coming off of a stale, long-suffering relationship with a nasty breakup, I was vulnerable to his attentions.

We had an online relationship for four months messaging many times a day. I thought I was in love with him. I was lonely. He was an attentive admirer. All of a sudden after two months, he had money problems. He needed money to keep his company together to pay salaries and back taxes.  Then he needed money for his daughter’s college tuition and his mother’s hospital bills. Funds needed went on. He said he was forced to move his business overseas because he was divorced and his ex-wife was draining him and that money owed him was being temporarily held up.

Over a period of two months he bilked me of hundreds of thousands of dollars.

My best friends and only sibling tried warning me, but love was blind and I believed in this scam artist. The friends have unfriended me and my brother disowned me. My best friend in the whole world told me she didn’t want to be friends anymore.

Not only am I feeling more alone than ever, but I’ve sent this man hundreds of thousand of dollars to banks in Europe so I have no recourse.

I’ve filed  complaints through my lawyer with the FBI, etc., but I know I will never get nearly $800,000 back. I’ve been playing him along half-heartedly while the authorities have been investigating him.

How do I redeem myself?

–Anonymous, New York, New York

Online dating conmen complaints are much more common than you could image. It's important to report this man to the authoritative agencies listed below. After doing so, tell your sibling and your friends that you've done your part to make sure others don't fall victim to scammers on social media. If they're really your friends, they will forgive you in time, although it may take time. A 66-year-old woman we know of was targeted on dating websites by eight different conmen in less than five years. The two most obvious tell-tale signs are bad grammar and lying by claiming to be employed overseas. He then creates stories to elicit money. The farther away from you he lives, the less likely he will be available to meet you in the flesh. You are probably not the only woman this conman is working his sweetheart scams on. He could also be online dating over fifty other woman at the same time using the same lines. Lines he's perfected because they work. Here is an update of warning signs to look for based on a column by Sheryl Harris in The Plain Dealer in Cleveland: A conmen from outside the United States, who says he is a professional living or traveling abroad. Conman usually use instant messaging or TTY services for the death to discuss their un-American accents. A suitor who declares his love for you too quickly. A conman doesn't share specific information about his life or work. A man who sends you a fake photo of a male model or well-dressed older man he's taken off the Internet. Scammers will often string you along for weeks before asking for money. They are known to send flowers and candy to sweeten you up. Beware if they ask you to wire them money so they can make money for you or to pay their travel expenses so they can be with you. There are even conmen who pretend they know someone you know on social media saying they had made a lot of money for that person. In several instances the conman hijacked IM accounts on a famous social media site and by impersonating one of the victim's friends, successfully gained their sitting duck's trust. He may insist on seeing you on a Webcam, even if his Webcam isn't functioning. He wants to make sure you're not a law enforcement agent. Besides, the photo he sent won't match his mug on the Webcam. There is always one drama after the next, because he needs funds for his daughter's college tuition or his mother's hospital bill. He may ask you to handle his banking transactions in the US, that could lean you to becoming his partner in crime. Do not wire money because it is gone the moment you sent it and you can't get it back. He may have bought expensive items on stolen credit cards and want you to send them to him. That, too, could lead you to becoming his partner in crime. Never give out any personal information and certainly not passwords or other information that would allow him to get into your online accounts. To add insult to injury, he might even bully you by lying to you about being a fellow victim of a dating scam; or even pretending to be a law enforcement officer tracking down online dating scammers. A real law enforcement official would never ask you for money or personal information such as your Social Security number or account number over the Internet. If you haven't already done so, report your situation to the dating site, as well as to the following three agencies, as soon as possible: IC3.gov the Federal Internet Crime Complaint Center Fraud.org the National Consumer's Fraud Center The U.S. Postal Inspection Service because you used the postal system. Do you suspect that your online suitor is a swindler? Check him out at romancescams.org. Is the person who is pursuing you the man in his photo? On Google download his photo: Click on images, in the upper left corner of your google search page. When the camera pops up click it and then upload his image to find information about the photo or similar images. For an update on scammers published after this piece, read more at: www.nytimes.com.../swindlers-target-older-women-on-dating-websites

~Didi

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  • How to Talk to My Husband about His Stalker
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How to Talk to My Husband about His Stalker

My husband’s ex-girlfriend always makes a move on Valentine’s Day. We feel her presence. They  spent one Valentine’s together and apparently she harbors deep resentment from the rejection. I get that. We’ve been married four years, but she’s still stalking our marriage. I don’t want to sound like a jealous wife, but it is weird. My husband and I can’t go on LinkedIn without her name and photo popping up — even though she’s not in our networks. We don’t go to places they went to together, but she finds our new spots and shows her face — and always around Valentine’s. My husband even changed his gym, but she found him at the new one and I’ve seen her a couple of times in my spin class. We live in a huge metropolis, so these sightings of her are not coincidental. What do you do about someone with a burned cellphone who calls with a religious chant in the background at eleven o’clock at night and doesn’t say a word? My husband recalls once listening to a CD of a Gregorian chant with her.

–Anonymous, New York City

Apparently some women give themselves a gender pass when it comes to stalking. Most of us have been through a romantic obsession of some sort, but carrying it to this degree is definitely weird. It's narcissistic of her to think she can have a relationship with the two of you, when you want nothing to do with her. Whether she calls once a year or every single day to leave a Gregorian chant, it is bad behavior. Extremely rude. In a perfect world the kind thing to do would be to sit down and talk to her with the intention of dismantling the fantasy. She has to come to grips with reality and cease all contact. As well as get professional counseling to help her grieve and live with her feelings, because when you're aggressive like that -- you're no longer in love. It's obsession -- creepy. Being rejected is a loss. All stalkers have a predilection for predatory violence and sketchy sexual desires.

~Didi

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  • What to Say When Friends Talk about Your Weight
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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What to Say When Friends Talk about Your Weight

My bestfriend’s husband is always bringing up my weight. It is so predictable. He cannot see me and not mention that my friend his wife “works out everyday and feels so much better.” Truth is, I’m OK with my weight. I’m not slender, but I’m happy that nobody seems to mind but him. Oh, yes, and a couple of women friends always talk about having to go to some weigh station to get weighed-in like a semi-conductor truck on the highway, so she might be a little late meeting me or how I should try her Zumba class. They mean well, but I don’t want my friends always bringing up my weight. What should I say?

–Alexandra, Charleston, SC

Our brains are naturally sensitive to negativity. It is a fight-or-flight situation. Don't let your weight be a trigger that affects your feeling of well-being. Merely becoming aware of your triggers is a good start. Think about how to see it differently. Try reframing what the person said and say it back to them with a request, "I'm uncomfortable listening to you talk about your apparent obsession with weight issues. Would you mind if we talked about something else?"

~Didi

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  • Bullies as Friends
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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Bullies as Friends

I was asked to introduce my good friend A to my good friend B, because she wanted to meet a person highly regarded as a political pundit. My supposed friend A behaved like a bully throughout the lunch never letting anyone get a word in edgewise. Finally friend B interrupted friend A saying that they should listen to what I had to say. I felt enabled, when I should have been grateful. How do you handle a discussion so that the bully doesn’t dominate the conversation?

–Allison, Boston

Next time you find yourself in a similar dilemma, say, "Please, let me have a word," or "Please, let me explain." If that doesn't work, stand up from the table as though you were about to excuse yourself to leave. Then say, "Please, let me talk or I'm leaving.

~Didi

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  • Bully of A Father-of-The-Bride
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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Bully of A Father-of-The-Bride

In reality, my daughter _____’s biological father is no longer a part of her life. He has never made any attempt to call her or communicate with her in any way. Now that she is getting married in eight months, even though he has never asked her anything about the wedding, he expects his daughter from his second marriage to be a maid-of-honor. We’ve heard from other people that he badmouths _____ a lot. He has never asked what he can do to help. My husband and I are paying for everything. Our question to you is, do we have to put his name on the wedding invitation?

–Name withheld

Hell, no. Disregard his pleas for attention. If your daughter does not have a close relationship with her half-sister, then she shouldn't make her a maid-of-honor for his sake. However, should he agree to pay for at least a third of the wedding costs and your daughter wants his name on the invitation and his second daughter in her wedding party, it should be at the discretion of the bride. But only then.

~Didi

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