Relationships Archives - Page 14 of 16

Sister Is Mean to My Ex at Holiday Parties
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Sister Is Mean to My Ex at Holiday Parties

My sister despises my ex-husband. He and I have remained friends because we have young adult children. Family gatherings, especially around this time of year, are awkward for me and my son and daughter because my sister is outwardly hostile toward their father. They can be seated at opposite ends of the table, but she’ll still find a way to get a dig in. How can I make this more tolerable for our family?

–Paula, Providence

Family festivities can bring out the very best behavior in a family or the very worst. Before the holidays begin, have lunch with your sister, or chat on the phone, to tell her how you feel. Tell her it is uncomfortable for everyone when she is mean to your former husband in front of his children as well as other family members who were once part of his family. It makes you squeamish anticipating the holidays. Ask her politely to please refrain from saying anything unkind, mean or hostile to your former husband for the sake of your children---her niece and nephew. Remind her that they are incredibly sensitive to her hurtful remarks and if she doesn't promise you that she will think carefully before saying anything unkind to him, you and your children will be forced to pull out of the festivities. It sounds childish to threaten your sister, but she needs to know how strongly you feel.

~Didi

A Friend's Possible Suicide
Creative Etiquette Solutions

A Friend's Possible Suicide

Yesterday I read a very, very brief obituary of an old friend who died three months ago. There was no mention of his life, wife, where to send a contribution in memory, how he died or cause of death. Only two sisters were listed as survivors. Both of whom I know and who must have paid for the notice in the New York Times. He grew up in Manhattan, but had lived for many decades in the northwest. I contacted a good mutual friend of one of the sisters to find out what she knew. She said she had called and written to the sister months ago and still had not received a response. She assumes the sister is deeply saddened.

Somehow a commercial sympathy card seems too impersonal. That sister lives abroad so sending flowers would be prohibitive as well as too late. What would you recommend?

–E.C., Newport, RI

Had the sisters not wanted their brother's death known, they would not have placed their brother's obituary in the New York Times. Try sending a condolence message through the New York Times Obituary Guest Book. No doubt, the paper will forward messages from any signers of the guest book to at least one of the sisters. Caution. Don't be tempted to share the New York Times Obituary Guest Book or obituary on Facebook. Let the family control the news on all social media, especially because the cause of death has not been announced. It could possibly be suicide. Nonetheless, there is no deeper heartfelt expression of sympathy than a handwritten note. To outlive a sibling is a tragic loss.

~Didi

Trick or Treat Manners
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Trick or Treat Manners

My family is new to the neighborhood and to this country. It is the first time our children 5, 11, and 13 have had the chance to trick or treat and we want them to be safe and do it correctly. How do we prepare them for Halloween?

–A.T., Seattle

Of all the holidays, Halloween is the most perfect for teaching 'trick or treaters' good manners. Once your children have their costumes, rehearse a script of what they should do and say, and how to express their appreciation. Safety should be the first concern, but reinforced manners will stick forever. Have them go outside, ring your bell and ask, "Trick or Treat?" Houses welcoming 'trick or treaters' will have a pumpkin or other Halloween decoration to signal to the 'trick or treaters' that the inhabitants have prepared treats. Your children would not knock on the door of a home that was not lit and did not have a Halloween decoration. When taking their treat, they should not be fussy. Even if they do not like the treat, they shouldn't walk away without taking one. Once back at home, you would go through their Halloween bag or bucket with them to discard any treat that is not in its original wrapping; if they are allergic to nuts, read the labels carefully. In your role as the chaperon, you would hold back by staying on the sideline watching, listening, and try not to interfere. The resident of the house might ask each child about their costume, so you would role play and do the same, but you don't want them to linger and become engaged in a lengthly conversation. Unless they are encouraged to take more than one treat, they would only take one. Two or three if they are very small. Remind children that they are are not allowed to enter the doorway into any house or apartment. Before closing your door at the end of the rehearsal, they should say, 'Thank you, Happy Halloween," and you would say, "Happy Halloween, you're welcome." The golden rule is: Treat others the way you want to be treated.

~Didi

Children + Peanut Allergy
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Children + Peanut Allergy

We admit to being helicopter parents of a first grader who is allergic to peanuts. Peanuts are everywhere and this is the first time he’s taking his lunch. What can we do to make people, as well as his classmates, aware of the seriousness of his allergy? The school health clinic has his EpiPens and we hope he’s prepared for a life threatening emergency, to the best of his seven-year-old ability.

–D.S., Providence, RI

It sounds as though you've prepared the school and your son for an emergency. Hopefully, most schools understand the seriousness of the problem. According to the advocacy group FARE (Food Allergy Research & Education), one out of every thirteen school age child have a food allergy. Lunchrooms should be monitored, cafeteria food nut free, and epinephrine auto-injectors known as EpiPens (containing adrenaline for emergency treatment for anaphylaxis--a traumatic reaction that can cause death within minutes) are on hand. You're right in fearing that your son may be on the school bus, in the playground, at another child's house, or at a birthday party when he's given peanuts in some form. Whether or not you send him with an EpiPen sealed in a ziplock bag tucked into his backpack to school or to play, only you can train him to know what to do. Tell the grownup in charge about the seriousness of the allergy, the symptoms and where to find the EpiPen. Having unexpired EpiPens in school and at home are a must, but I don't need to tell you that. Aside from what you already know, lobby your congressmen to support national legislation in the form of the School Access to Emergency Epinephrine Act, which would require schools to stock prescribed epinephrine and allow authorized staff to administer it. The bill was passed in the House last July and will be voted on in the Senate this fall.

~Didi

Wife’s Family Control Funeral and Asks to Be Paid
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Wife’s Family Control Funeral and Asks to Be Paid

My brother just passed away. My sister-in-law and her family made all the arrangements without any input from us. My mother and I live cross country from my deceased brother so it would have been helpful to give us a little time to make travel arrangements. We were not asked if we needed a little time instead we were told when the funeral was taking place so we had to book very expensive flights with very short notice. My other brother wanted to contribute photos to any presentation that would occur and he was rebuffed by their family. He asked if there was going to be a video stream and he was told no. They communicated to us that as per tradition there would be a luncheon after the cemetery service and had me communicate that to my relatives then they turned around and withdrew the invitation saying it was for immediate family only. At first they said all were welcome to the memorial service then they said it was also private but after my vehement protest they allowed my relatives to attend. At the service there were photos and video stream pretty much exclusively of her side of the family. The coffin was a very expensive one. My wife and I ended up taking all of my relatives to a separate eatery and treated them to lunch. Sorry to ramble but all this was necessary to help you to help me answer my question.

At the conclusion of the family only luncheon the boyfriend of my sister-in-law’s sister approached my uncle and said that our family should shoulder the some of the cost of the funeral. My sister-in-law’s father is a multi-millionaire who owns several lucrative properties in NYC as well as overseas. My mom is living on social security and with savings she and my dad penny pinched all their lives to save. We are outraged and feel like neither my mom or any of us should be obligated to pay. What do you think based on all that went on? Thank you very much.

–N/A

A funeral can be a minefield of unexploded emotions that lead to demands over money and control. Your brother's family made it clear that they didn't want any help with the funeral, then disinvited your family to the luncheon, and now they want money to defray funeral costs. If your brother's family had needed help to pay for his funeral, they should have mentioned it before making elaborate arrangements. Since you don't think they really need help, tell them that your family will be honoring your brother's memory in their own way and in their own time. In memory of your brother, find a school, charity or non-profit organization that, for instance, can arrange to plant a tree or install a park bench in his name in a park, nature reserve, or fishing location where he spent time as a child. Take as long as you like to create a heartfelt expression of your family's feelings toward your brother, and then let his wife know the specifics after it is in place.

~Didi

Funerals Where Cultures Clash
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Funerals Where Cultures Clash

My mother just passed away; she was a very private person and did not want a public funeral service or obituary. My brothers, sisters and I have respected her wishes. She lived far away from all of us, so we all met at her hometown, and honored her privately.

A member of my wife’s family sent out a mass email to her extended family (cousins, etc.) announcing that my mother had passed away. None of these people knew my mother. My wife says this is customary and that people need to know so that they can send condolences. I’m sure they mean well, but this feels like our desire for privacy wasn’t respected. Is it really OK and “customary” for people other than the immediate family to send out announcements of this sort?

–E. B.

When cultures clash, social nuances are not always recognized or understood. Your wife's relative acted from the emotions of her culture where families encourage a lot of comforting through condolences and sympathy cards. A culture that does not reflect your mother's request for a modest and private mourning. Your wife's relative made a mistake in your mother's culture, but in your wife's culture her family would have felt slighted if they had not been informed and allowed to send their condolences. Funerals and burials are so emotionally charged that we have to make allowances for everyone to mourn the deceased in their own way and in their own time. Even if they didn't even know the deceased. Don't forget, your wife's family strongly believe that condolences are obligatory. On the other hand, you cannot keep this resentment bundled up inside of you. Take your wife out for dinner and have a relaxed evening talking about your mother and explaining how in her culture she took great pride in being modest and unassuming, because she didn't feel the need to call attention to herself--in life or death. Tell her you would like her family to honor these beliefs going forward, if you feel as she did. Be sure your wife learns from your explanation and doesn't just reply with a lot of meaningless words--albeit well-meaning. It is important that she learns the significant nuances of your culture---and you of hers---and you're the only one who can teach her. Of course, the condolences from her family will have to be acknowledged. Let your wife mourn your mother in her own way by having her write the thank-you notes to all of her family members who sent cards.

~Didi

Family Misunderstandings
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Family Misunderstandings

My parents were born and raised in China, and immigrated to the US before I was born. I married a Chinese man, who was also born and raised here in the US. Last year was my daughter’s first Chinese New Year, and we had a large celebratory dinner in our small apartment. In addition to both sets of parents and siblings, we invited my husband’s brother’s inlaws as well so that he would not have to choose whether to attend or not. This year is my husband’s brother’s daughter’s first Chinese New Year, and although my husband and I have been invited, my parents have not. Space and money are not a factor. What is the proper etiquette? I am very offended that my parents were not invited. Do I go? Or is there a way I can d

–Penelope, Seattle, WA

There would be no reason why your parents would have to be invited since they are not blood relatives of your husband's brother's daughter, except that you invited your sister-in-law's parents to your daughter's first New Year celebration. On the contrary, you should attend with your husband because he is a blood relative of the honoree and you would be insulting your husband's family, if you did not attend. Chalk this off as an oversight in etiquette on the part of the hosts. The hosts may have set criteria for a certain number and inviting non-blood relatives such as your parents did not fall into that criteria. Rise above the hosts' social faux pas. You will be a better person for not making a big fuss. This celebration is all about the first New Year for the child. It is not a cause to wage war on your husband's family, no matter how discourteous they may be. It would be up to your husband to quietly inquire as to whether the fact that your parents had not been invited was an oversight, and if so, gently ask if they could be invited.

~Didi

First Time Wedding Guest with Boyfriend
Creative Etiquette Solutions

First Time Wedding Guest with Boyfriend

I’m going to a wedding this Saturday afternoon at 3pm. The wedding is taking place in a church but the bride and groom are both fairly laid-back people, also, this is the first wedding I’m going to with my boyfriend and I want to know if there are any rules for that too?

–B.W., North Truro, MA

Don't be late. Arrive 15 minutes early. Dress nicely in a suit and dress. Don't talk on your cellphone or text because it is disrespectful to the bride and groom as well as to the other quests. You'll be given a program of the service to follow. If an usher or groomsman doesn't escort you to a pew, then sit midway in the church on the side that looks the least filled. You can hold hands, but don't hook up because it will distract the guests seated around you. Don't leave the church until after the bride and groom have walked back down the aisle in the recessional. The aisles empty out one at a time starting at the front of the church and working back to the front entrance. If the bride and groom don't take off in a car right away, you can approach to congratulate them. Don't take a wedding present with you because it could get misplaced. Instead, send a gift from their bridal registry. If you don't know where they are registered, ask other guests. You can also look up their registry online at theknot.com and the weddingchannel.com, using either the bride or groom's name, which will be correctly spelled on the program. The cost of your gift should be what you estimate the host spent on your food and beverages at the reception. Send a thank-you note to whomever hosted the wedding reception.

~Didi

Children at a Wedding
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Children at a Wedding

I have received a number of RSVPs to my rehearsal dinner invitation, which is being called “The Night Before The Big Day Barbecue,” indicating to me that the guests will be bringing their children, ranging in age from 2 to 14. I am certain I did not include these young people on the invitation or addressed them on the envelope. Don’t the parents understand that each head is counted in the number for which I will be charged, not to mention that the dinner is an adult event where alcohol will be served? Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t get it. How rude is that?! And of course, I wimped out and lied that it was my pleasure to have the little urchins. What would you have done in this case, Didi? I can’t believe that I am sounding like my mother.

–C.H., Dover, MA

Ahead of time you could have found out how many children attending the wedding were from out-of-town. Meaning the parents would have to bring those children to the BBQ, unless you stipulated otherwise. To dispel the idea that children might be brought along, you would have included a line on your invitation such as this:

We are unable to accommodate children due to the 21 age requirement, but are happy to provide babysitters information.

Hosting adults with children is tricky, but in most cases parents will be grateful for a night off. Mothers nursing babies are an exception, and the baby wouldn't be counted in the head count for the BBQ. There is an assumption that children who are part of the bridal party are included in the festivities along with their parents. When there are a lot of children in the wedding, pre and post wedding party invitations need to stipulate age appropriateness.

The problem is this. If the children were included in the wedding invitation to an out-of-town wedding, parents will assume that the pre-wedding and post-wedding events would include their children as well. At this point, it is what it is, but all will be fine. Try to negotiate with the caterer a cost per child. Ask them to prepare hot dogs and ice cream sandwiches for kids estimate the number.

You're right about the alcohol. Children clearly don't belong at parties where alcoholic beverages are being served because it is too easy for a child to pick up a half empty glass and get buzzed. Chances of promoting a possible lifelong addiction should be nipped in the bud.

~Didi