• Jacket or Not
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Jacket or Not

I am the maid-of-honor in a wedding at the end of September in Newport, RI. The ceremony will be held at 10:30AM on a Sunday with a lunch reception to follow. My boyfriend will be attending, but does not have a suit or even a sports coat. He does own khakis, dress shoes, and a dress shirt with a tie. Can he get away with this or should he scramble for a jacket?

–Rachel S.

Yes, your boyfriend ought to scramble to find a jacket. Out of respect for the bride on her wedding day, he should wear a jacket, a white-collared shirt, and handsome tie with his freshly pressed khakis and dress shoes. Tell him that if he is over ten-years-old, he must wear a jacket and tie to a wedding, even if he has to borrow a navy blue blazer from a friend, relative or coworker.

~Didi

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  • Bullies as Friends
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Bullies as Friends

I was asked to introduce my good friend A to my good friend B, because she wanted to meet a person highly regarded as a political pundit. My supposed friend A behaved like a bully throughout the lunch never letting anyone get a word in edgewise. Finally friend B interrupted friend A saying that they should listen to what I had to say. I felt enabled, when I should have been grateful. How do you handle a discussion so that the bully doesn’t dominate the conversation?

–Allison, Boston

Next time you find yourself in a similar dilemma, say, "Please, let me have a word," or "Please, let me explain." If that doesn't work, stand up from the table as though you were about to excuse yourself to leave. Then say, "Please, let me talk or I'm leaving.

~Didi

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  • Golf Club Blunders
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Golf Club Blunders

At our annual golf club couples tournament, my good friends won the cup by one point. However, the cup was given to the runners-up because a member erroneously reported to the tournament committee that my friends had cheated. When the club president returned from vacation and discovered the travesty, he called and then wrote to my friends apologizing profusely for the unfortunate mistake. Even though he acknowledged that my friends rightfully deserved the cup, he couldn’t take it back from the runners-up. Shouldn’t the errant runners-up be good sports and give the cup to the real winners?

–P.H., Southampton, NY

This is a question of ethics. What do the club's tournament rules say about such disputes? In a perfect world, the cup should be graciously returned to the legitimate winning couple. Only then, will the good name of the golf club be reinstated. The Rules of Golf, perhaps unfortunately, does not indicate how to deal with such situations. In its concise pages, players don't cheat---though they may be tempted to bend its sacrosanct pronouncements. It is not a manual of human nature. Your friends should rise above the injustice.

~Didi

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  • To Tell or Not to Tell
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To Tell or Not to Tell

My wonderful, beautiful wife often has residue from salad stuck between her two front teeth. Or we’ll arrive somewhere and her lipstick has somehow transferred from her lips to her top front teeth. Should I or should I not tell her? I love her the way she is and don’t want to make her feel insecure by pointing out such minor flaws.

–N. A., Philadelphia, PA

You have to make a joke out of the fact that everything that lands on her front teeth stays there. Tell her you don't want to embarrass her, and ask if she would like you to tell her next time. Chances are she will welcome a subtle hint. Have an expression you use in conversation, such as "the horse is out of the barn on that one," to suggest something is awry. Use body language to signal her by taking your straightened index finger and running it horizontally, left to right, along your upper lip to let her know there is something askew under that prettily painted lip.

~Didi

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  • Money from Mourners
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Money from Mourners

My father passed away recently and a card with memorial money was sent to me. Does that money stay with me or do I give it to my mother who is still living?

–S. M., Providence, RI

The money was sent to you to defray any expenses you may have incurred during your father's death and memorial. If you don't need the money, then use it to help your mother with funeral and burial expenses, or to help pay off any debts.

~Didi

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  • Death of A Sibling
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Death of A Sibling

My brother passed and I am receiving cards and baskets at my home addressed to me from my friends and organizations.  Please give me some advice as what to write in a thank you note.  Should I mention the his family is thanking them?

–Morrison

When there are a lot of acknowledgments to be sent, make it easier on yourself by using a pre-printed acknowledgment card, which can be found at a good stationery store or online, where you fill out the deceased's name. Many families have a simple card printed up to share amongst family members. Wording such as this is centered on the card:

The family and friends of George Brown Wilson gratefully acknowledge and deeply appreciate your kind expression of sympathy

Then inside the card or on the back, you can write a short sentence saying, "Thank you for the wonderful basket of food." before signing your name. Of course, you can also send a short message on a boxed thank-you note card saying basically the same thing. There is, also, an old expression, "On behalf of the rest of the family," that seems stilted. You could, also, include a favorite photograph separately or have it printed on the acknowledgment.

~Didi

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  • Repairing A Friendship
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Repairing A Friendship

One of my friends & I had a falling out about 4 months ago. We haven’t talked since. I found out from another friend that her father passed away today. Do I go to visitation or do I just send a card? I do not know how she would feel about me going. We had a pretty bad fight. Sending just a card seems so impersonal.

–Name withheld

If you wish to make up with your friend, then go to the visitation. If you just want to send a condolence card, do that. You are right, just sending a card does sound so impersonal. If you really feel that way, then go to the visitation. Consider this an opportunity to mend the friendship. If it doesn't work, then you are off the hook because you'll know you did the best you could do.

~Didi

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  • Teaching Adult Children Manners
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Teaching Adult Children Manners

My adult children neglected to bring wedding gifts to a close friend of the family’s wedding. Now the mother-of-the-groom is upset with me and them and came right out and told me she almost didn’t invite them to the upcoming baby shower and she HOPES they will bring a baby gift. I feel her spiteful behavior is as bad as what my children did. Don’t you agree?

–D.F., Providence

What are we going to do about these freeloading adult children who attend family celebrations empty handed? Don't they know any better? What kind of role model are we as parents when we have not taught the adage that there is no free lunch? You eat the cake, you send a gift from the wedding registry. The mother-of-the-groom was speaking her mind, but two wrongs really don't make a right. It is never too late to teach good manners, so phone your children and tell them, "Under no condition do you attend the baby shower without sending or bringing a gift from the parents' baby registry." Find out where the new parents are registered for baby presents and tell your adult children what you sent/or bought to bring to the shower, as a reminder that they cannot get away with their crass behavior. In spite of the groom's mother's rudeness, you can make this right

~Didi

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  • Announcing Ms. & Ms.
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Announcing Ms. & Ms.

My fiancé and I are getting married. I’m the bride and she is the bridegroom, she is taking my last name. How are we, two women, announced into the reception?

–C.R., Brooklyn, New York

You and your bridegroom would be announced as, "Ms. Charlotte and Ms. Hillary Ross" (your last name).

~Didi

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  • Called-Off Wedding Party Gift
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Called-Off Wedding Party Gift

A wedding I was invited to has been called off, but the reception will take place as a “party”. My question is, am I expected to bring a monetary gift? I feel they are trying to recoup some of their losses, but it shouldn’t be my problem. Since the former bride’s mother is a friend, do I opt out of the “party” because I don’t want to give a monetary gift?

–T.M., Location withheld

It sounds as though the wedding was called off by mutual consent. The reception hall, caterer, band/DJ, and other vendors have already been engaged and payments were made, so why not have a party anyway? If guests were not specifically asked to give a monetary gift to the party, then you would not have to give one to attend. The reciprocity for having attended a party (not a wedding) is a return invitation going forward. You would also send a thank-you note or email to the host and a gift, of any kind, would not be expected. On the other hand, if the mother is your friend and you go to the party, you should ask her if you can reimburse her for your food and drink.

~Didi

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