Relationships Archives - Page 2 of 16

Midnight Toker — Smoking Kills
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Midnight Toker — Smoking Kills

What can we do about our new neighbors who smoke? By the way, don’t they know smoking kills. They’re night birds that smoke out on our adjacent balconies late into the night! We can’t open our windows without smelling tobacco smoke.

–TY, West Pam Beach, FL

Smoking kills. That should be your point.

Invite the new neighbors for coffee or a drink. Over the course of twenty minutes let them know how you feel about smoking.

If they fully understand how disappointed you are at having their new neighbors' tobacco smoke drifting into your bedroom, they may start smoking inside with the air conditioners blasting.

If window in the conversation opens up, tell them that:

On average, smoking kills 1,200 smokers every day.
Every year, more people die from smoking than murder, AIDS, suicide, drugs, car accidents, and alcohol combined.
Smoking causes heart disease, emphysema, acute myeloid leukemia, and cancer of the mouth, esophagus, larynx, lung, stomach, kidney, bladder, and pancreas.
Smoking also causes reduced fertility, low birthweight in newborns, and cancer of the cervix.

~Didi

Holiday Top Ten Really Best Table Manners for Kids
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Holiday Top Ten Really Best Table Manners for Kids

My question is about table manners for kids.

My two kids have the worst table manners. My mother-in-law is a stickler for good manners. She’s prim and proper and thinks her five and seven-year-old grandchildren should tote the family line and have good table manners, as well. The big problem is that their friends don’t know how to behave nicely at the table, and kids like to fit in with other kids. Any suggestions?

–CM, Arden, NY

Thank you for your question about table manner for kids.

Find time to take your kids out to eat where there are other people eating. A breakfast out on the weekend. At home you're too busy serving them their food and cleaning up after them, so you'd be less likely to have the patience to talk about table manners in a playful manner.

Role model good table manners and quietly point out the bad manners of other diners.

Talk about outside voices versus inside voices in enclosed spaces -- such as a restaurant.
To keep them focused, play a mind game while waiting for your food.
Talk about why you use a napkin and where it goes.
Elbows on the table are the primary reason why milk glasses topple over.
Don't lay your arms and head on the table for the same reason.
Flatware is not about waving flags and remains on the table or plate when not in use.
Chew with your mouth closed.
Don't talk with your mouth full.
Sit up straight, with feet on the floor.
Bring food to your mouth and don't eat like a dog with your head in the bowl.

You know the drill. Make table manners make sense to your children. When they mirror your good table manners, they win a chance to estimate the tip when the check comes -- and get to keep the change.

Reward the child with a present -- something other than food -- for having been a good, happy guest on Thanksgiving day.

~Didi

What Girls + Young Women Really Fear + Worry About The Most
Creative Etiquette Solutions

What Girls + Young Women Really Fear + Worry About The Most

We’re worried about our daughter who doesn’t go out much. She has a fear of going out whether to school or to the mall to meet friends. We’re wondering if this is normal. She has an allowance, but buys everything she needs on line with a debt card.

We think she spends too much time alone in her room on her laptop.

How do we encourage her to socialize more?

–Name and location withheld

Thank you for your question about what girls + young women actually fear and worry over the most.

Be careful of what you wish for, especially if your daughter is college bound and is conscientiously working on her grades. The world is a really scary place right now.

For more and more teenagers, being scrutinized by their peers while they're at school is about as much socializing as they can handle. Socializing outside of school may be social overload for her.

We found this survey conducted by Girlguiding you might like to take a look at. The research discovered that 55% of over 1,900 girls and young women ages seven to 21, say gender stereotypes affect their ability to say what they think.

The Girls' Attitues Survey found:

Only a third of the girls feel pressure to live the 'perfect' llfe online.
Only 47% feel their parents understand pressures they face on social media.

They're most worried about:

Grooming
How pictures of them will be used by others
Threats from strangers
Comparing themselves and their lives to others
Seeing unwanted pornography
Bullying from people they know

Highlight from the October 2017 Survey

54% of girls aged 11-21 have come across unwanted violent or graphic images online that made them feel upset or disturbed.
95% of girls aged 11-21 said the advertising industry should make sure adverts show more positive, diverse representations of girls and women.
57% of girls aged 11-21 don’t think politicians understand the issues girls and young women face today.
76% of girls aged 7-21 feel confident in digital skills.

Take a look at the full report, from which the above facts were culled: girlguiding.org.uk

~Didi

Why We Get So Annoyed With Our Life Partner
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Why We Get So Annoyed With Our Life Partner

As much as I think I love my boyfriend, his bad habits annoy me. I point them out — time and again — by reminding him to put the toilet seat back down, shine his shoes, throw his used tissues away or not to scrape his plate at the dinner table, etc. Worst of all, he’s a hoarder.

Will he ever break these bad habits? I sound like a broken record complaining over and over about the petty ways he annoys me. Do you think he does them on purpose to get my attention?

–EB, Dorset, VT

Some irritation in a relationship is a good thing. It can be stimulating. But most annoyed partners would agree that it is not okay to drive each other crazy.

Being able to handle low-level conflict is an essential relationship skill. Recognizing annoyances as a sign that life could be better is frustrating, but it gives you something to work on.

Don't beat yourself up about letting an annoyance get under your skin, just get back on track.
Talk about what's really bothering you.
Let him know what irritates you and find out what annoys him about your behavior.

Often when partners are annoying each other it can be playful. Some annoyances are pointless. Others can trigger change. Look at it this way, annoyances can be a sign of a strong relationship.

On the one hand, it might be boring to eliminate all frustrations with one's partner; on the other hand being yourself means you have strong feelings.

Take annoyances as a sign that life with your SO could even be better -- and work on it.

~Didi

To Trust Or Not To Trust An Untrustworthy Neighbor
Creative Etiquette Solutions

To Trust Or Not To Trust An Untrustworthy Neighbor

A neighbor wants us all to donate money to fund a ‘green project’ on our street. He says it will cost $10,000 to dig up the old cement sidewalk, plant the greenery, and replace the sidewalk. It seems like a lot of money, but it will create a long evergreen hedge to block an unseemly asphalt parking lot enclosed by a wire fence. He made no mention of upkeep in terms of trimming and pruning this hedge of vines – nicknamed by botanists as the wintertime creeper – to keep them tidy and healthy. When asked. he said he would pay for the yearly maintenance.

Our problem is this: twice in the past this neighbor volunteered to do something nice for the neighborhood and then reneged. Neither time were neighbors asked to donate money. Both times we waited patiently for him to make good, but with no results.

–Name and location withheld

Your worry should be less about whether or not the leader of the 'green project' will follow up with his promise, than whether your neighborhood really needs this particular 'green project.'

~Didi

Understanding Your Terrible Thirteen-Year-Old
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Understanding Your Terrible Thirteen-Year-Old

Every once in awhile my daughter and her husband find that they both have business trips out of the country during the same period of time and ask me to drive to Cambridge to stay with their three children for a week or so.

When they were younger is was a pleasure to have a grandchild bring me a book and say, “Read to me, Nana.” Now the eldest is in college, the middle child is in boarding school, and I am alone with the arrogant youngest, who resents having me there and seems depressed.

She is surly, rude, and uses unbelievably foul language.

I’ve mentioned her bizarre behavior to my daughter, who laughs it off, saying, “That’s the way 13-year-olds behave.” I find that hard to believe.

–Nana, Springfield, MA

As you no doubt remember, most 13-year-old girls have reached the end of puberty. Hormones have changed your granddaughter's brain during the last two years.

Her body is more mature than her brain and she's trying to figure out how to be a teen.

According to many studies, girl teens express depression more openly and more easily than boy teens, so her rude behavior, as deplorable as it may be, is understandable. She acts out with you.

Children nowadays experience a more prolonged adolescence. What used to be a two-to-four year period biologically is now a 15-year period culturally. Puberty starts before the teen years, but the social skills and cultural aspects of adolescence don't triumph until much later.

Girls have a longer period of time to figure out who they are, what skills to develop, and they have to be in school longer to reach their objective.

Your 13-year-old granddaughter is struggling to become a teenager.
Kids don't necessarily want to feel happy. Feeling sad helps them develop intense feelings - extremes of happiness and sadness.
Puberty makes many kids seek conflict and behavioralists believe that this kind of experimentation can be a good thing when it isn't violent or self-destructive.

Most pubescent kids like feeling the intensity of their own feelings. Intense sadness can be novel and exciting for a thirteen-year-old.

Studies show that eventually most of us prefer being happy and having positive emotions than to being negative and feeling sadness. We don't all want to be happy all of the time.

Perhaps your granddaughter feels close enough to you to know that she can express her deepest emotions around you. Over the years, you have made it safe for your granddaughter to express her emotions. Don't take her rudeness personally.

~Didi

Battling The Opioid Crisis One Good Friend At A Time
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Battling The Opioid Crisis One Good Friend At A Time

My question concerns the opioid crisis.

What to say when your good friend nearly overdosed on opioids? After a ski accident three years ago, from which his back hasn’t been without pain since, he became addicted to painkillers. He is a coworker and we find ourselves at work covering for him most days, in one way or another.

–GL, Boston, MA

I'm sorry your good friend is addicted to opioids. That must be tough on your friendship, especially since you work together and see him practically on a daily basis. Try to get support from a colleague, because you shouldn't be dealing with this alone.

In answer to your question: It isn't just about what you say to the person, because most addicts have convinced themselves that "once a junkie, always a junkie."

They'll tell you themselves exactly what recovering alcoholics say, "One is too many, and a thousand aren't enough."

Remember, nobody wants their life to be controlled by an addiction. Too easily, taking two pain killers every six hours progresses to taking three every four hours.

But what you can do is to help your friend visualize the larger picture by stating pertinent facts:

We are facing a national opioid problem of epidemic proportion with over 64,000 overdoses last year - up over 25% from 2015.

GL, be his buddy and talk to him with virtual reality:

What he should know is that a recent study found that almost twelve percent of patients who took opioids for chronic pain became addicted, so he should look at other methods of dealing with his chronic pain to find out how other opioid addicts figured out how to safely handle continual physical suffering.
He needs to follow a plan and think about safety first and detoxification, then abstinence.
His focus should be on his cognitive process and questioning his "thinking errors," because opioid addiction is a known cause of brain disease.

Suggest that he looks into alternatives - perhaps after a psychological intervention - such as biofeedback, stress management, yoga, and relaxation training.

Keep on bringing up the subject of his figuring out how to get well.

Don't give up on him. Talk to him and don't let him blow you off when you ask him how he's doing.
Remind him that he's not alone.

Everyone has something that they are dealing with which they have to figure out how to handle.

Here's a link to an excellent Washington Post article on the opioid crisis: http://wapo.st/2nNkEHh?tid=ss_mail&utm_term=c152f8223db4

~Didi

What To Know About The Seriously Sweet Love Of Dunking
Creative Etiquette Solutions

What To Know About The Seriously Sweet Love Of Dunking

Do you dunk or drown? Is dunking an etiquette faux pas?

We’re having a great debate and looking for you to break the tie.

–Meredith, Cincinnati, Ohio

To dunk or not to dunk? Dunking is a sweet debate.

Put simply, dunking is a messy game. Kids drowning graham crackers in their milk is one thing, in an grownup setting it's messy business.

Recently a poll of 600 adults, discovered that 52% thought it was bad manners.
You better watch out if you're ever thinking about dunking a biscuit in an English tea room, because you could well be asked to leave.
You may even see a sign such as this:

The un-savoury habit of dunking biscuits is strictly prohibited and will result in you being asked to leave the tea rooms.

Feasibly such an offense as dunking would insult any hostess anywhere. When you're a guest it is quite simply not considerate.

Who wants to fish out the dregs at the bottom of your cup after you've gone home.

Let's face it, you can't not make a mess dunking. If you must dunk, be sure that what you're dunking is sturdy enough to save itself from drowning.

~Didi

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in: