Relationships Archives - Page 3 of 16

14 Greatest Etiquette Tips for Newly Matriculated Students
Creative Etiquette Solutions

14 Greatest Etiquette Tips for Newly Matriculated Students

What about etiquette for newly matriculated students who don’t have a clue as to what college is really all about when you have to live for the first time with strangers?

–GB, Alberta, Canada

These simple dos and don'ts should smooth the transition, if s/he knows these 14 etiquette tips for students:

Pace yourself because there's plenty of time over the next four years to party.
Eat nutritiously to stay healthy and alert.
Phone your family once in a while.
Keep up good personal hygiene.
Be kind to anyone who looks and behaves as though they are homesick or feeling left out.
Report sexual assault.

Don't

Get drawn into competitive hangover-ing.
Blow your budget the first month.
Assume your roommates will clean up after you.
Become overwhelmed by your vast new surroundings and intimidated by the academic backgrounds of your fellow students, because everyone else is feeling insignificant too.
Become upset if you do or say something silly. Quickly laugh it off to show you're human.
Forget to deal with your laundry on a weekly basis because it can smell up your room.
Cook or store food that leaves a lingering odor.

~Didi

Decoding Curiously Intriguing Kisses and Hugs XOXO — Relationships
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Decoding Curiously Intriguing Kisses and Hugs XOXO — Relationships

About decoding curiously intriguing kisses and hugs, such as in XOXO? What do they say about relationships.

Tell us Didi, if you wouldn’t kiss someone in real life, then why would you add kisses at the end of a text, IM or email? Most of my friends end their messages with x or xx or xxx, but I wouldn’t kiss most of them when meeting and greeting face to face.

–SP, Cambridge, MA

You are not the first to be curious about decoding the meaning of kisses and hugs: XOXO.

The more Xs the more familiar, and perhaps intense, the relationship.

XX are two kisses for friendship.
XX says kiss kiss and also bye bye.
XXX are three kisses and an an expression of love.
XOXO are kisses and hugs.

xXx is more often used abroad: the small x represents a small kiss on the left cheek, X a big smack on the lips, followed by another small kiss on the right cheek.
XXX can mean that the person is straight edge, as in I went to this party and did not drink because I'm straight edge XXX.

Be wary of using XXX because a three X message can be a No No No message that is more apt to be blocked by pornographic controls.

XXX is a lifestyle signal clarifying that the sender doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs. The no-nos can also include even abstinence from sex and/or that the sender is a vegetarian.

In XOXO, the Xs are for kisses and the Os represent hugs. Strangely one never sees the O without an X -- hug without a kiss. But you often see a X without a hug, which is a sign of friendship.

X represents a kiss, although the custom of using X as a symbol for yourself (as your own name) dates back to when most people simply marked an X is they didn't know how to write their name, and sealed their mark with a kiss.

Then what about the O?

There are religious theories that illiterate Christian usage of X, symbolizing the cross that stood for Christ -- as in Xmas -- to sign their name.
Whereas people of the Jewish faith used a circle, the symbol O, for their mark, which in Yiddish means "kikel."(Many etymologists think this is how the derogatory racial slur for Jewish, "kike," came about.)
Here is a stretch: Many believe the O made the jump to mean "hug," because looking down at the circle it looked like two people embracing.

Now, what I want to know is why we spell out the words when we write "Hugs and kisses," but when using symbols instead, the order of "Hugs and kisses," changes to the symobols kisses and hugs -- XOXO?

You might hug an acquaintance, and also kiss someone you felt about more deeply.
One doesn't want to be presumptuous and go for the kiss first if you haven't ever hugged the person first.

And what do the X and O mean in such games as tic-tack-toe?

~Didi

Crying and Pining Over Unrequited Love
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Crying and Pining Over Unrequited Love

How to stop crying and pining over unrequited love?

Since my ex and I broke up, I can’t seem to love any other guy. I can’t get him out of my head. Every time I have sex with a new guy, the last thing he does makes me want to break off the relationship. Most often or perhaps all the time, they come back begging but I would have already moved on in less than a week and the process continuous as I look for love.

My ex and I broke up about a year ago. The relationship was not balanced, but I still hold him dear to my heart and respect him for the things he taught me and for his sincerity. I can’t lie I still love him. No matter how much I try, I just can’t come across anyone to love like I loved him.

–GB, Yaounde,Cameroon

Stop crying and pining over unrequited love.

You must not waste any more time mooning over someone who does not want to be with you. Please find a professional to talk to about your feelings.

Talking about your heartbreak with someone who is trained to listen will perhaps lessen the pain of anxiety.

If that's not possible, write a letter to your ex telling him how you feel about him and the breakup, but do NOT mail the letter.

Then hide the letter. When you're feeling extremely sad, take out the letter and reread it. Eventually you will stop reading the letter.

Time heals most wounds of the heart. Take up Yoga or some such healing as a way of clearing your mind.

~Didi

What To Do When A Good Friend Discloses Their Terminal Illness — Friendship
Creative Etiquette Solutions

What To Do When A Good Friend Discloses Their Terminal Illness — Friendship

My question concerns how to handle a friend’s disclosure of their terminal illness.

A friend of mine wrote me (along with her other close friends) a letter announcing that she had a brain tumor and didn’t expect to be around at Christmas. At our garden club meeting, one of her other close friends, who happens to be the club president, got up in front of all the other members and announced the pending death of our absent friend.

Was the club president using correct etiquette by announcing her imminent death to members who hadn’t received the sad, sweet note? Or am I being overly sensitive? Shouldn’t the dying person have a modicum of control over who knows what when?

–Name Withheld

Thank you for your thoughtful question about how to handle the revelation of your good friend's terminal illness.

Being all for full disclosure (for the most part), I don't personally think it was a misstep by the president of the garden club to disclose a secret that would be outed as some point by Christmas.

Is it possible that the terminally ill member gave her consent?

Why not suggest that the garden club organize a meal project and fill her calendar with volunteers bringing meals.

Before doing so you would, of course, have to tell your terminally ill friend about your plan. Which means mentioning that the whole garden club knows about her brain tumor.

You might find that she welcomes the ultra short visits from her garden club comrades.

Just be sure that you have a list of her favorite foods as well as those she dislikes.

~Didi

Helping an Addicted Friend — Relationships
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Helping an Addicted Friend — Relationships

How do we go about helping an addicted friend?

My wife and I received a joint email from a good friend we greatly respect that brought us deeper into her relationship with her husband in an uncomfortable way. Her husband had been pulled over for impaired driving, failed a sobriety test, and was given a DUI summons to appear in court later that week.

We had been at a party with them and she had gone home early because the baby sitter had to leave. She wanted to know if her husband, also our good friend, had gotten drunk at the party. He told her he hadn’t been drunk.

After expressing her concern over her husband’s drinking since he had been laid off from his job, she asked for our help in assisting him to address his drinking problem.

We’re skeptical about getting involved. Was it possible that she might be trying to build a case against him? Should we be careful about taking sides?

How should we have responded to both of these good friends?

–Name Withheld

There are ways to help an addicted friend.

Contrary to the popular myth that "you can't help an alcoholic until he wants help," compassion is the key to helping someone with an addiction problem.

Don't wait until your good friend hits bottom. Talk to his wife about your hope that her husband can figure out how to manage his problem and get treatment.

But first talk to him suggesting that there are many options for treatment in addition to 12-step programs and residential treatments.
You can have a positive impact on his motivation to learn new patterns of behavior.
Addiction and shame go hand and hand. If your friend is to be saved, compassion from his friends and family may be the only thing that counteracts the isolating, stigmatizing, debilitating poison of shame.

Shame and addiction are deeply intertwined. For example, alcoholics may be prone to shame by disposition and they may drink, in part, to cope with chronic shame and low self-worth. In addition, drinking can, in turn, cause shame, creating a vicious cycle. -- Beverly Engel

Since you can't have true compassion for him until you understand why he behaves the way he does, take the time to talk to him and listen. It will make you feel less angry that you've been put in this position.

Don't be one of those friends who has chosen to stay with him in denial about just how serious his problem is.
Be compassionate by showing him respect and optimism.
Keep reaching out to him.

After your initial conversation with the husband, make it clear to his wife that you have discussed the problem with him and that you will continue to encourage her husband to set boundaries for his behavior. But he must seek treatment.

~Didi

Ducking A Kiss — Personal Space
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Ducking A Kiss — Personal Space

How do you suppose a person politely goes about ducking a kiss without appearing hostile?

I am an educated, employed, 65-year-old black woman who doesn’t like being kissed on the lips by just anyone, especially not politicians. At political fundraisers I usually run into an old acquaintance who greets me with a kiss on the lips. His breath is always sweet and he is well-groomed, but how do I greet this man so that he doesn’t think he has a right to kiss me everytime we meet?

–Janis, Philadelphia, PA

It's a delicate dance ducking a kiss. It's not enough just acknowledging your personal space, you have to be polite but firm and head off this person's advances with your body language. There are several ways you can meet and greet with dignity and warmth. Here's my favorite dance routine for ducking a kiss:

Extend your left hand -- instead of the customary right hand -- toward the person when you expect that someone is coming in to smack you on the lips and hold his hand warmly and securely.
keep it stretched out as though you have a cold and don't want him to get too close.
The warm flesh of your hand may be all the body contact the person may really need. Unless he wants to showoff that he's more intimate with you.
Keep holding the person's hand as you chat and the person will take in the message from the warmth of your hand and stance of your body language. A sweet, sincere handshake is enough.

Alternatively, go for the shoulder hug where you move your left hand around the person's right shoulder and neck to their left shoulder and gently give a squeeze or two, as you say, "So good to see you," and pull away.

The only problem with this is that if there is a difference in height between the two of you, it would feel awkward.

But it can work, as well as the left hand extending forward for the handshake.

~Didi

Doctor Patient Confidentiality — Relationships
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Doctor Patient Confidentiality — Relationships

My question is about doctor patient confidentiality. My husband and I are currently without health insurance and he’s been taking an over-the-counter anti-depressent called SAM-e, which makes him irritable and at times either whiny or overly-anxious — or both. His primary physician doesn’t know he is taking SAMe. But I feel I should tell him. My husband insists it is as good, if not better, than any of the expensive prescription antidepressants he took when we had health insurance, pre Obamacare. Should I just be happy that he is no longer depressed and grin and bear the whining and anxiety.

–Long-Suffering Wife, West Bath, ME

Thank you for your question about doctor patient confidentiality.

The US Food and Drug Administration doesn't sufficiently regulate over-the-counter herbs supplements, so the jury is still out on whether antidepressants such as SAM-e are totally safe. What you can do is to persuade your husband to talk to his primary care physician about SAM-e to see if any medication he is also taking works with the SAM-e, or against it.

For instance SAM-e could possibly affect bleeding risk if your husband is also taking any drug that affects bleeding, such as aspirin or blood thinners.
Or if he takes a drug to control his blood pressure.

What you can say to your primary care doctor is this: I'm concerned that SAM-e may not be working well for Jack. Can you please talk to him about what he's taking, how much he's taking and how often, so that he can get a reality check on his mood swings.

His doctor may not know he's taking SAM-e, so you want to assume for the safety of your husband that his doctor knows about the SAM-e.

~Didi

When Your Boyfriend Asks for A Loan — Dating
Creative Etiquette Solutions

When Your Boyfriend Asks for A Loan — Dating

My boyfriend and I have been dating for the past six months and recently he asked me for a loan. As much as I love him, it only makes me think that loaning him money will complicate our relationship. What advice can you give me?

–LC, Providence, RI

Loan nothing to a person you are dating. It is as simple as that. Loaning someone you are romantically involved with - but not legally bound to - can change the dynamics of the relationship.

However, if you need to show your love and support, protect yourself. Loaning your boyfriend money shouldn't be fear-based. You shouldn't loan him money because you think you might loose him if you don't ante up.

Take precautions:

Be sure of the specifics and know exactly why your boyfriend needs money.
Only lend money for paying rent, buying food, and paying bills, including money owed for child support.
Never lend money for luxuries, vacations, and vanities such as plastic surgery.
If you don't agree with the reason, don't give him a loan..
If you argue about money now, then loaning him money will only increase the stress.
If he is starting a business and you loan him money, be sure to put the terms of the loan in a formal agreement or contract, and have your signature witnessed by a friend of yours, or a lawyer.
Be sure to include a repayment schedule and be wary if he doesn't make payments on time.
Keep in mind of the fact that all texts and emails are legally binding.

~Didi

Unrequited Love — Dating
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Unrequited Love — Dating

My question is about unrequited love.

My boyfriend does not spend time with me because he says he loves his work too much. What should I do?

–ED, Harare, Zimbabwe

Unrequited love hurts. As you say, your boyfriend isn't interested in you, so ask yourself: why would you want to spend time with someone who doesn't want to be with you? If I were in your situation, I would forget about him. Ghost him -- ignore him. He's not your boyfriend. Find somebody who wants to share their life with you. Someone who would move heaven and earth to make time to be with you. If you're desperately in love with him, have a talk to find out if there is something special he would like to do, if he could get time off. Then make a plan and stick to it. Be flexible once or twice should he say that he needs to postpone. But the third time he backs out out of the date, break off with him. Move on. If you don't value yourself, then he won't value you either. Take a stand, but be flexible -- to a point. Don't let unrequited love torture you.

~Didi

The Art of Fine-Tuned Listening Skills — Relationships
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Art of Fine-Tuned Listening Skills — Relationships

My fiancée complains that I am not listening to her. When she talks, I stare into her eyes and listen to every word. Even if I’m really thinking about work or wondering when I’m going to get a chance to check for messages. I try very hard not to interrupt. Then when she’s through I feed her back what she just said so she knows I’ve been listening. Isn’t that enough?

–JR, Orlando, FL

In my opinion, developing listening relationships is a fine-tuned art. Be the energy giver not the energy taker.

Forget about not speaking when others are talking.
Forget about not interrupting.
Forget about making strange sounds acknowledging that you are listening, such as, yeah, oh, ah, mmm, to make her think you're following her train of thought.

What you really want to do is to engage in a conversation by asking questions. Be curious as to what she's thinking, feeling and trying to communicate to you. Find out what role she expects you to play, what plans she wants you to be part of, what advice she might need. Turn what your fiancée is saying into a two-way conversation. That doesn't mean mirroring back what she just said to prove that you were listening. Real listening is interactive conversation that fosters curiosity. Listening is not about sitting passively feigning interest.

~Didi

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