Relationships Archives - Page 4 of 16

The Art of Fine-Tuned Listening Skills — Relationships
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Art of Fine-Tuned Listening Skills — Relationships

My fiancée complains that I am not listening to her. When she talks, I stare into her eyes and listen to every word. Even if I’m really thinking about work or wondering when I’m going to get a chance to check for messages. I try very hard not to interrupt. Then when she’s through I feed her back what she just said so she knows I’ve been listening. Isn’t that enough?

–JR, Orlando, FL

In my opinion, developing listening relationships is a fine-tuned art. Be the energy giver not the energy taker.

Forget about not speaking when others are talking.
Forget about not interrupting.
Forget about making strange sounds acknowledging that you are listening, such as, yeah, oh, ah, mmm, to make her think you're following her train of thought.

What you really want to do is to engage in a conversation by asking questions. Be curious as to what she's thinking, feeling and trying to communicate to you. Find out what role she expects you to play, what plans she wants you to be part of, what advice she might need. Turn what your fiancée is saying into a two-way conversation. That doesn't mean mirroring back what she just said to prove that you were listening. Real listening is interactive conversation that fosters curiosity. Listening is not about sitting passively feigning interest.

~Didi

Curb Your Dog
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Curb Your Dog

How do I say to dog walkers, “curb your dog?”

Glancing out the window I spy a woman looking the other way as her dog did his business in the narrow flowerbed that separates our house from the one next door. I ran out to tell her that the dog can’t poop there.

She said she didn’t know what he was doing because she wasn’t looking. On a leash, she had stopped walking to let him do his business.

I told her to pick it up. She reluctantly found a poo bag and pretended to be picking up her dog’s stool.

Going back into the house I turned my head to see her allowing her dog to continue and asked her once more to get it out of my flowerbed. She pretended to be looking in the foliage.

Back in the house I saw her sticking the poo bag back in her pocket while her dog continued pooing.

I ran outside again and told her that there was a dog park half a block up the street. Indignant I asked, “How can you let your dog do that? I’m the one who weeds this garden?

Now, in a rage, SHE said, “I live in this neighborhood and other people’s dogs do their stuff in my yard all the time.”

I don’t want to get a Curb Your Dog sign for my driveway. What do you recommend?

–EP, Newport, RI

You can say to them just that: Curb Your Dog.

And you can sprinkle a dog repellent. Any product made to deter critters (deer, rabbits, and dogs) along the border of your flowerbed.

Dogs will step up their pace as they walk by in disgust. The scents of previous dogs will disperse.
Look at the weather forecast before laying it down so that rain doesn't immediately wash the deterrent away.

In the meantime, find out what the fine is in your town for not cleaning up after your dog.

Next time you spy an interloper, tell the dog walker that there is a $400 fine for not cleaning up after Fido.

Why do dog owners feel that their pet can do anything?

Don't get me wrong, I love dogs.

~Didi

Body Shaming — Body Image — Daughters and Sons
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Body Shaming — Body Image — Daughters and Sons

My question is about how to handle body shaming and body image.

Our eleven-year-old burst into tears last night and told us that boys at school made fun of her by calling her “whale tail.” She’s pleasantly plump, but she has a lovely disposition and is very bright and funny so has lots of girlfriends and a gay guy friend. Her brothers are also chubby, so they don’t tease her. When we asked the boys if their chubbiness has been made fun of at school, they said they hadn’t.

Making a big deal of this will only call attention to the unfortunate name calling, and could lead to making “Whale Tail” a permanent nickname. What do you suggest?

–LL, Salem, MA

Body shaming is not healthy for your daughter's body image. First of all, help your daughter to persevere when being bullied. The kids who are bullying her now are the same boys who will be bullying her next year and the year following that. You need to bully-proof your daughter by building up her resilience.

Make sure nobody in the home is teasing anybody about being overweight, because if a child feels secure at home she will be more resilient to name calling outside the home. When kids consistently accept who they are, they are better equipped to handle the cruel bullying in the schoolyard.
Encourage your daughter to try different activities to find one or two she can become engrossed in, such as a musical instrument, drawing, painting, singing, cooking, basketball, acting, until she finds her passion.
Don't be the makeup mom who overpraises her child for achievement she doesn't deserve, because she'll see through you. It backfires.
The compliment should match the accomplishment.
When she's upset, teach her to calm down by being mindful of her reactions to having been teased. Have her draw a cartoon, do a jigsaw puzzle, practice yoga, make a healthy salad for the family, or read a book.
Suggest that she be brave and talk directly to the person who teases her to tell him that he makes her feel badly when he calls her names, even if she needs an adult to facilitate the conversation.

At the end of the day, you don't want to support maladaptive thinking, because negative thoughts contribute to a child's low self-esteem and insecurities. You don't want her to dwell on the teasing. As a parent you can't protect your daughter from being bullied on the school playground. Nevertheless, you can build up her resilience by giving her effective coping tools that will serve her into adulthood. Being considerate of other people's feelings is good etiquette.

~Didi

Eye Rolling — Body Language
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Eye Rolling — Body Language

My question is about eye rolling and sarcasm.

My boyfriend has the annoying habit of looking upward and giving me the eye roll when he disagrees or doesn’t like something I’ve said. When we’re at dinner, after he’s executed the eye rolling, he’ll take up finger drumming and make a sarcastic comment. To signal me that he’s impatient, he’ll tap his fingers on the table when he’s lost interest in what I’m saying or that he thinks I’m rattling on too long or that he totally disagrees with my opinion.

I love him but when he behaves like this it feels like a relationship deal-breaker. How do I get my feelings about his bad behavior across to my boyfriend?

–HB, Atlanta, GA

Nothing is more corrosive to a relationship than the ongoing eye rolling behavior you've described. Your boyfriend may not know he's annoying but if he does, he may not know how to control his despicable nonverbal behavior. They are bad social cues. The ability to control body language is one of the keys to social success.

Eye rolling is the equivalent of the door slam, the shrug, the smirk and the sarcastic tone of voice that are all acts that show disrespect and arrogance.

Using a sarcastic tone of voice and eye whites to convey blatant social cues, like rolling your eyes behind someone's back or refusing to make eye contact, are unconscionable behaviors. They are simply ways to shame someone.

Much like name calling, sarcasm expresses disgust. He shows signs of being a covert narcissist. Tell him that his body language and tone of voice is sometimes (or often) unacceptable because it makes you feel belittled.
When he doesn't agree with you he should have the decency to say why outright instead of using the passive-aggressive eye roll. Stop him at the eye roll and call attention to how he's handling his negative -- or perhaps ambivalent -- feelings.

One of the traits of a well-mannered person is having the ability to refrain from using inconsiderate body language and sarcasm to show that you disagree. Tell him that. Not that it sounds as though it will do much good.

~Didi

May to December Romance
Creative Etiquette Solutions

May to December Romance

Didi, my question is about May to December romance.

My divorced father has fallen in love with an older woman and I’m having a very difficult time accepting the fact that they are actually getting married. I want to tell him that he might end up taking care of her and that he should date a woman his own age or younger who can take care of him. But I can’t. She makes him happy, which my mother certainly didn’t. What should I do?

–PA, Boston, MA

Thank you for your timely question about May to December romance. Henry Ford was fond of saying that those "who stop learning are old, whether at twenty or eighty." Two people who are the same age can be as different as night and day just as easily as two people decades apart can be terrifically compatible. I know 70-year-olds who are more active than fifty-year-olds. Try not to judge your future stepmother too harshly. You say that she makes your dad happy. Let it be.

A study by University of Notre Dame sociologist Elizabeth McClintock that analyzed 1,507 heterosexual couples found that we perpetuate the trophy wife notion by relying on our culturally ingrained biases. Think of your dad as a trophy husband.
Dr. McClintock's conclusion was that the majority of both men and women seek partners who are more similar to them than dissimilar. Whatever your dad and his fiancée have found in common are interests that run deep.

Support your father in his quest for finding true love. Give them a chance as a couple. Consider the 39-year-old French president Emmanuel Macron, whose wife, Brigitte, is 25 years his senior. Coincidently, that is the same span in ages between Mr. Trump and Melanie.

~Didi

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do — Romance
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do — Romance

Didi, breaking up is hard to do. How do I breakup with my boyfriend of many years? We live together. We’ve been through so much as a couple and he’s always been there for me. I don’t want to break his heart. He’s pressuring me to get married, but I really don’t want to marry him.

–Name Withheld

Breaking up is hard to do whether you're breaking up with a lover or someone who once was a very good friend, obviously some ways of ending the relationship are better than others. In order to preserve the friendship, you will have to be calmly compassionate without the appearance of condescension.

Being deceitful or blaming a third person on the dissolution of the relationship are the two worst ways of manipulating a breakup. How about lying about why you didn't come home the other night and blaming it on your mother?
Avoiding the person by ghosting them is sheer cruelty and immature.

Research on breakups in intimate relationships found that using a positive tone while openly communicating with the person is the most honest approach.

Arrange a stressless time and place to meet face to face, such as a park bench on a sunny Saturday. Do not meet on your lunch break or over drinks after work -- unless you're looking for breakup sex.
Make an effort to show that you value the time you've spent together. How much fun you had on a trip or working on a project.
While keeping eye contact gently describe the reason for the breakup. It could be that you're not feeling the same enormity of love that you once felt deeply.

If that's the reason, you can say something such as, "I can't hide my true feelings any longer..."

If the reason for the breakup is that you're gay, tell her or him.
If the person doesn't turn you on, be honest and say you're just not that into him any more.

Put yourself in the other person's shoes knowing that the worst feeling in the world is thinking you did the best you could (if this is the case) and it still wasn't good enough. Once you have feelings for someone, they'll always be there. You may not love that person any more but you still care how the breakup will affect him. Learning that someone you love has lost interest in you is probably one of the worst feelings ever. So:

Never blame the other person for the breakup.
Verbally explain the reason you don't want to be a couple any longer.
Try to prevent the conversation from ending on a sour note.
Try to convince the person that the breakup will serve you both. For instance, if you work in different cities.

How to break up with someone effectively:

Realize that this is going to be uncomfortable for both of you. Ending a romantic relationship without drama, pain, or guilt should be the objective.
Talk about ways to end the relationship that meet your needs and those of your about to be ex-partner. Such as, compromising about the custody of the dog, putting leases in one name or the other. Helping them visualize that things will be different by talking about diving up the goods, which seems frightfully materialistic, but is realistic. Who gets that expensive new mattress?
You want to avoid bitterness and move forward in a healthy way, and perhaps even consider staying friends.

Lastly, never invest deep feelings for someone unless you're ready to face the consequences. I know. Easier said than done.

~Didi

When Saying Sorry Isn’t Enough
Creative Etiquette Solutions

When Saying Sorry Isn’t Enough

I made a terrible mistake and apologized, but I know that merely saying sorry wasn’t enough. My boyfriend is barely talking to me, he is so mad at what happened. It was a silly mistake, which I made worse by trying to cover it up while over-explaining, but I got caught in an untruth.

I keep telling him I’m sorry, but he so doesn’t seem to believe me! How do I convince my boyfriend that I am truly sorry.

–Name Withheld

Either we're someone who annoyingly says sorry way too often, or we have difficulty ever saying "I'm sorry"- even when we know we've done something wrong and hurt someone. Could it be that apologizing to someone, for many, is a sign of weakness?

For much of the population, saying sorry hasn't made its way into their interpersonal skills set.
There are those who simply cannot recognize apology-worthy situations.
Others simply do not feel the value of the apology.

Making a genuine apology helps to restore the relationship as well as the reputation of the person who did something that warrants a more authentic apology.

Accept responsibility for your wrong-doing action.
When appropriate reenforce that apology by saying it won't happen again.
Be sure to make it clear that you understand and acknowledge the ramifications of the wrong-doing.
So don't be vague, look for clarity in what went wrong.

The purpose of saying sorry is that you want to regain the trust and respect from the person you've offended. Find a time when neither of you are stressed out, uptight, angry or tired and say that you want to have a serious talk. Go over what you did wrong and why you think you made the mistake. Then acknowledge that you panicked and tried to coverup, which only made things worse. Lastly, end by saying you won't do whatever it was - and be specific - ever again.

~Didi

Accepting A Compliment
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Accepting A Compliment

How do you encourage accepting a compliment?

When I try to compliment my daughter, who is a wonderfully caring mother, wife, and daughter, she pushes it away by saying, “Oh, that’s nothing. No worries.” In trying to show my appreciation of her, I would like this extremely accomplished person to be able to accept compliments graciously. What can I tell her?

–AE, Beverly Farms, MA

A recent study found that nearly 40% of women surveyed feel awkward about accepting a compliment and 18% will attempt to shrug off the compliment. Answering, "Oh, that was no problem." That's because when someone gives you a compliment your brain immediately tries to figure out if the compliment is genuine or manipulating.

When someone you barely know gives you a gushing compliment that makes you feel queasy, you probably won't trust the person's intentions.
Flattery, as you know, is often used to butter someone up because they want something and they'll go as far as being hypocritical to get what they want.

When you're in a clothing shop and the salesperson gives you too much attention in the hope that you'll buy something, they often pay a compliment.

When that flattery feels false we assume the person complimenting the tattoo is actually appalled by it.
We do this to others and suspect others do it to us.

It is engrained in our brains to respond to a compliment with modesty by saying, "Oh, it's a castoff I've had this dress at the back of my closest for years." Get over it. We're pretty much hardwired to be embarrassed by praise and so belittle or reject the compliment. Simply reply with a sincere "thank you."

How to react to a compliment without feeling clumsy:

Slightly surprised that an older person would compliment your tattoo, immediately say "thank you."
Resist returning the compliment because it could come out sounding stiff.
It is better to change the subject and then later on discreetly slip in a compliment.

In relationships compliments are key to making the other person feel good about himself. In long-time relationships we tend to criticize more than compliment.

Try to compliment your child, lover, partner, spouse once a day.
Even if is sounds insignificant, it can make them feel good when you show your appreciation by saying, "Thanks for taking all that stuff out to the garbage."
Or tune in to the fact that you like that he brought your morning coffee to you in bed and hope he'll do it again.
If you see something you like, just say, "I like the way your green sweater goes with your corduroy trousers."

The internet is a place where people go to find compliments from people they know - as well as from complete strangers - who are all, also, desperate to be Liked and praised.

Nevertheless, it is the insults that will be embedded in the brain more than the compliments.

~Didi

Dating Table Manners
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Dating Table Manners

My question is about dating table manners.

My bro says I have terrible table manners and I eat like a slob. He thinks one of the reasons women breakup with me is because my manners are anti-social. He says he won’t be seen at a restaurant with me. Is he just kidding me?

–Bill, Providence, RI

Table manners for formal occasions, business events, and dating in restaurants are more rigid than dining at home with family or friends. Nonetheless, you should know that surveys found that when millennials were asked whether good or bad table manners were important in a partner, the overwhelming response was clear: bad table manners were a deal-breaker/date-breaker. Why? Because table manners are near impossible to change. We learn eating habits from a very early age; they become deeply engrained over time and bad habits are difficult to break. Follow other people's lead. For instance watch how your bro behaves and eats to figure out specifically what he's complaining about. If he's a good friend, he'll give you some pointers as to how to make a better impression when dining out.

Even though your future partner is probably not going to fall out of love with you because you have bad table manners -- which she knows she won't be able to break -- there's no reason you shouldn't concentrate on improving your table manners.

*Bad table manners rank higher on the list of dating no-nos than any other complaint. Looking for love? Here are simple tips any bro should know and remember.

Leave the baseball cap at home.
Dress appropriately by wearing a collared shirt, trousers, and closed shoes -- nobody wants to see your dirty toe nails.
Be aware of your body language and don't slouch, sit up straight and keep your elbows off the table.
Turn off your phone.
Don't pick at your skin, ears, nails or scratch your scalp.
Encourage your date to order first, but be sure to tell her what you're ordering so that she knows whether or not to order a starter course.
Don't assume everyone is a sharer, which means don't ever take food off of another person's plate.
In a group situation remember to talk to everyone not just one person and never put your back to the person seated next to you.
Place your napkin in your lap and leave it there -- and not on the table -- until you get up from the table.
Don't stretch your arm across anyone at the table to reach for anything including the salt and pepper.
Don't talk with your mouth full of food.
Say please and thank you to the waiter.
If you have to leave the table, to check your messages or return an emergency call, don't leave your date alone for longer than five minutes -- or she may not be there when you get back.
The person who does the inviting pays for the meal unless ahead of time you've agreed to share the cost.

~Didi

Carpool Parenting — Teens
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Carpool Parenting — Teens

My question is about carpool parenting with teens.

Our daughter’s school in Providence is a forty minute commute each way. When it is my husband or my turn to carpool with two other fourteen-year-olds we learn about our daughter’s social life through the chatter.

Generally she never talks much to us, but she joins in the banter with the two other carpoolers, a boy and a girl. We’re not thrilled hearing about the promiscuity and the smoking of e-cigarettes and marijuana.

Mainly the gossip is about who does what, where, when and with or to whom. They’ve gotten so that they forget that a parent is behind the wheel.

They assume we’re listening to music on our EarPods while they tell tales of their exploits and their classmates mischievous – and often illegal – adventures.

Since our daughter won’t discuss these activities we’re loathe to question her when alone with her. Not that her parents weren’t known to have experimented up until we got married, we don’t want to lose her trust.

The parents association at her school is quite prideful about how presumably straight the children are, but we’re worried about what we’re hearing inadvertently. Our first thought is to talk to the principal.

However, if we do that we would be implicating not only the other two students in the carpool, but our daughter as well. How do we parents go about helping the school help the students?

–Name Withheld, Providence, RI

Your question about carpool parenting with teens brings up so many issues. For instance, if these stories you're hearing are happening on the school campus, it is school business. [caption id="attachment_101724" align="aligncenter" width="335"]

Insecure teenager at school with girls gossiping.[/caption] If these are after-school activities, the school may very well tell you that it is not in their purview to monitor what students do off campus.

The exception is most likely when either overdosing, suicide or bullying are factors, because death or/and mental health effects all of the students and the entire community.

Make an anonymous phone call to the school on a blocked number to communicate your concerns anonymously. Otherwise you will have to write an anonymous letter to the principal documenting your concerns with a couple of anecdotes.

Unless you're worried about naming a bully or a student committing suicide or a violent/terrorist incident , you may be able to get away with not ratting out your daughter and her friends.

Alternatively, make an appointment to talk with anonymity to the school psychologist off campus. As you probably know, talking this out with your daughter could either bring you closer or lock an already closed door. If you feel she is too immature to see the larger picture - the consequences of what's going on - she may shut you out for awhile. When you learn from eavesdropping during your carpool rides that your teenager is personally making very good decisions herself, you can bring up your concerns over time.

~Didi

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