Relationships Archives - Page 5 of 16

Thank-You Notes — For An Interview
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Thank-You Notes — For An Interview

My question is about sending a thank-you note for an interview.

We are applying our eldest son to nursery schools. It is a very competitive environment and because most of the spots are being held for legacies, we’re looking to put our best feet forward. There is one school in particular where we’ve been told Timmy is at the top of the waitlist and we’re wondering how to stand out.

Specifically, I would like to know about sending thank-you notes as follow up to the interviews. We have had no paper contact with the schools, meaning no stamped envelopes in the mailbox from them, because all the communication has been on the phone or through email.

I dutifully sent heartfelt thank-you emails to every school within a week of the interview, but now I’m wondering if I should have written handwritten letters mailed in envelopes and stamped. Should I write a more personal handwritten note?

–BM, San Francisco, CA

Answering an email with an email is the way to go, but in this case, where you're feeling the pressure to do more, follow your instincts. Send a genuine thank-you note for the interview. Take out your best personal writing paper and handwrite a genuinely appreciative thank-you note to the interviewer.

Thank the person for the privilege of their time.

You can never thank people enough.

~Didi

Three Strikes and You’re Out — First Date
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Three Strikes and You’re Out — First Date

A colleague and fellow scholar contacted me about getting together on what seemed like a quasi date. I say quasi because it was a professional event to which he was buying the tickets.

At the last moment I let him know that I couldn’t keep the date because of a family emergency, and that I wouldn’t be meeting him outside the event space.

I’ve since tried several times to connect with him, because I would really like us to spend time together. However, he is not answering my emails.

I’ve now sent him two suggesting we meet up. In both I apologized for being a no-show.

How long do I wait before contacting him again. Should I even keep trying?

–Katherine, Washington, D.C.

Cease after the third strike. Your quasi-suitor may have been personally offended by your not showing up for a date to which he had bought tickets. His ego may be bruised. Does he feel you stood him up? It didn't sound like the kind of event where he could hawk your ticket outside the auditorium, so he probably took a loss. Not responding in a timely fashion to your two followup emails that attempted to make amends may be his way of protecting himself from being stood up again. You can always take a third chance. Buy tickets to a professional event, or a concert or play, and invite him to join you, or you could ask him to meet you at an art opening or exhibition. If your prior behavior left him feeling that he had been teased, your taking the lead may perk his interest. Should you not hear from him in a week, forget it. Invite someone else.

~Didi

Table Manners — Dating
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Table Manners — Dating

My question concerns table manners dating.

My boyfriend has the most annoying habit of picking food off my plate and eating it. I want to say, “Here, help yourself,” and hand him my plate. Even though I’ve asked him time and again to kick the habit my plea doesn’t register. How do I get him to be more polite?

–Molly, Providence

Thanks, Molly, for your great question about table manners while dating. Next time you sit down to eat alongside your beau, make sure there is a small plate above your dinner plate.

A butter plate or salad plate will do.
Then when you notice him eyeing your food, make your move.
He's zeroing into exactly what tidbit looks the most mouth-watering.
Wedge off a piece of your grilled tuna with your knife and fork, scoop up a generous bite with your fork, place the tuna on the small plate, and handing it to him gently say, "Here, what else would you like to sample?"

Make the small plate a ritual. Not only will this civilized addition to your routine make you both more patient, but it shows respect for each other: including your personal boundaries.

No, your boyfriend shouldn't be eating food off your plate, but he learned table manners as a small child and bad table manners are lifelong habits hard to break. Have patience, use the small plate trick. It will work.

To quote the British author Peter Mayle, "Good manners make any man a pleasure to be with. Ask any woman."

You decide together, or not, that your relationship itself comes first, that the wishes of your partner are second and that personal needs come in third. This understanding between you and your partner only works when each partner prioritizes the other person's needs, the expectation is that the other will reciprocate and that at the end of day, you both get what you really need.

~Didi

Cellphone Ménage à trois — Dating
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Cellphone Ménage à trois — Dating

There are three of us in this relationship and it presents a major hurtle in dating. My girlfriend is addicted to her cellphone. It’s like having another person in the room whom she can’t take her eyes off. Even at a restaurant her phone is on the table and she periodically reads messages. For example, we can be in mid-conversation about the fact that my dad is dying and she’ll start texting or eyeing social media.

I would say that this is the opposite of sexting, texting during a serious face-to-face conversation! I keep asking her to put her phone away, but she’ll say, “It’s business,” which I would bet it is not.

How can I communicate with her that I wish she would pay more attention to me and less to her screen? Last night she fell asleep with her cellphone in her hand.

–RC, Brooklyn, NY

There is no simple solution to handling cellphone abuse during dating, and so understanding the addiction is valuable. Next time, before your sweetheart goes scrolling down that rabbit hole of browsing and texting on her cellhone, remember that she probably knows she's addicted to her cellphone, and that she can't do anything about it. She hates that she loves it and she loves hating it. Here are a couple of counter-intuitive ways to help her free herself.

Encourage her to acknowledge that it may not be the technology that she is addicted to, but the social awards from being liked instead of ignored.

You know how she feels, since the consequence for you is that she ignores you.
Talk about the patterns that set off her anxiety and addiction and compare them to gambling or having an abusive friend or partner.

Most of what we tend to feel, think and do is inevitably influenced by our anticipation about other people's expectations of us. We see our world through the viewpoint of our friends and acquaintances, and we intuitively imagine circumstances that influence most of what we do.

There is nothing inherently wrong with her texting, emailing and using social media, because they provide a platform for not only her need to be connected on the one hand, but also for her addiction to watch and monitor others, and better still, for her need to be seen, heard from, remembered, monitored, judged and praised by others.
It is natural to want to know how much others mean to her, and how much she wants to mean something to them, because these are instincts embraced and followed by her circle of friends.

The problem, as you say, is setting boundaries. So, as a couple, why not talk and set your intentions.

The screen doesn't flicker on the night-table but from across the room on your bureau. (There are those who believe sleeping next to, or carrying a cellphone close to the body, is dangerous, because your cellphone is connected to satellites that radiate harmful energy.)
At meals, neither of you use your phones but you can see when your babysitter or dad is trying to communicate with you.
At bedtime, your phones are not next to your bed.
Neither of you answer emails after six o'clock at night.
Make time to spend a couple of hours in a natural environment.
Gauge how much time you spend in face-to-face conversation not looking at a screen.

When talking about who cares more, or less, about cellphone addiction, think of the dynamic as one of rising and falling tides, unceasing traits. As a romantic duo you might not wish to argue about who is the superior, who is the inferior -- by not being judgmental.

~Didi

Saying “Sorry” and Meaning It — Apologizing — Friendship
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Saying “Sorry” and Meaning It — Apologizing — Friendship

In trying to restore a friendship by apologizing, I think I made the situation even worse by making too big of a deal about my mistake. No matter how hard I tried to explain the situation from my point of view, I didn’t come away with the feeling that my saying, “I’m sorry,” was enough to mend fences. How do you convince someone that you are really sorry?

–Irene, Portland, OR

Apologizing is rocky whether you try too hard or not hard enough; merely saying "I'm sorry" is not always enough to say toward restoring a friendship. The apology should have been about the other person who was offended by what you said or did or neglected to say or didn't do, than about you, Irene. According to psychologist Harriet Lerner, in her new book, WHY WON'T YOU APOLOGIZE?, when there is an attempt to rationalize the reason for the apology, the lasting affect is "never satisfying."

The most authentic apologies are short.
Don't include an explanation in your apology, because it undoes the apology.
Never ask for forgiveness, the offended may accept the apology but probably won't forget the wrongdoing.

Focus should be on what the offender has done or said, not on the offended's reaction to the apology.

Never say, "I'm sorry you feel that way," because it moves the focus away from the person apologizing by yo-yo-ing "I'm sorry" into "I'm not really feeling all that sorry."

Dr. Lerner writes, "humans are hard-wired for defensiveness. It's very difficult to take direct, unequivocal responsibility for our hurtful actions. It takes a great deal of maturity to put a relationship or another person before our need to be right." It may be that the offended person is the one who needs to talk (to you or a professional) about why they are so hurt by the offense. In order for the offended to understand their history behind the hurt feelings exacerbated by the transgression, they may need to do some soul searching. In that situation, Dr. Lerner says, "non defensive listening (to the offended party) is at the heart of offering a sincere apology."

Listen to the offended person and don't "interrupt, argue, refute, or correct facts, or bring up your own criticisms and complaints," says Dr. Lerner.
Apologize for the offense, no matter how small your part may have been.

Assuming your share of the responsibility by making a simple apology for the offense is the healthy, mature and healing way to repair a relationship.

~Didi

Are Beards and Mustaches Magnets for Germs and Bacteria? — Dating
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Are Beards and Mustaches Magnets for Germs and Bacteria? — Dating

I met a wonderful man on social media and after six months of back and forth messaging, we’ve starting dating. In his online photos he is clean-shaven. On our first date, it was a shock to meet him in the flesh hiding behind a hipster mustache and beard.

I must confess to being somewhat of a germaphobe and awfully disturbed by news reports of studies comparing the amount of bacteria in public toilets to those in men’s beards that show that most toilets are more hygienic than beards! How do I bring up the problem of his beard?

–LWL, Boston, MA

About dating etiquette for beards and mustaches. His beard and mustache may be your problem, not his. So far there isn't any concrete research evidence that bearded faces are any less hygienic that clean-shaven ones. A beard and mustache may even be beneficial to his health: studies show antibiotics work slightly better on men who have beards and mustaches.

Apparently, as long as proper hygiene is consistently maintained, most beards contain normal levels of bacteria and, in fact, keeping clean and not being clean-shaven could be the key to better health.

Listen up, if you don't like his beard and mustache and you became enamored with him when he was clean-shaven, you should bring this up in a face-to-face conversation. The jury is still out on just how "dangerous" beards are or are not.

Beards can trap dirt and germs more easily, but if your friend is well-groomed, his beard and mustache will be clean, too.
You certainly should suggest that he updates his social media photos.

~Didi

The Lonely Part-Time Spouse — Friendship
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Lonely Part-Time Spouse — Friendship

My question is about friendship and whether to be intrusive and step in to help.

A well-loved younger friend seems to be having difficulties since her husband took a job in another state and only comes home every other weekend. She frequents community events, which include art gallery openings, concerts, and friends’ parties acting rather tipsy.

Her social skills are excellent, so at first you don’t notice it, but after an hour she is clearly smashed. There is often an unpleasant odor of vomit on her mouth or clothing when she greets you with a hug.

Her husband is a good friend, should we talk to him? We worry about her driving home and would offer her a ride, but wouldn’t it seem patronizing? Plus, she’s always one of the last to leave a party.

–TM, Savannah, GA

Be a good friend, safeguard your friendship. Next time you see your young friend out and about stay at the event as long as she does. Walk her to her car to say that you're following her home -- which, by the way, you can do without telling her. Decide if she's too drunk to drive. One of you should offer to take her home and the other can follow.

If she resists your assistance, risk challenging her (out of earshot of other guests), before she gets into her car. Otherwise, follow in pursuit and wait until she's securely safe inside her house.

Your friend's husband may or may not know that his wife has a drinking problem.

As we age, it is unlikely that we handle liquor as well as we did when we were younger. A known fact you can remind him of without ratting out your friend by name. Putting the ball in his court, you're opening up the topic for discussion.
Don't do so on the phone, but in a face-to-face conversation.

~Didi

DatingTips forTwits
Creative Etiquette Solutions

DatingTips forTwits

My brother’s into dating, but he’s a twit and can’t keep a girlfriend. He’s a one-date kind of guy. I don’t know where to start in helping him.

–Amy, North Scituate, MA

Hi Amy, make your twit brother, who is into dating, a gift of Will Forte's book, 101 THINGS TO DEFINITELY NOT DO IF YOU WANT TO GET A CHICK. Our watered down abbreviated list appears here:

Never use cheesy pick-up lines.
Never take anyone to dinner without bathing and dressing for the occasion ahead of time.
Never compare her to others you've dated.
Never confess details of past relationships.
Never take her to dinner and attempt to pay with an outdated coupon or credit card.
Never use her credit card.
Never go on a date with jagged finger nails.
Never reveal old grudges.
Never tap the table, while dining, as though you're playing a set of drums.
Never engage a skywriter to express your feelings.
Never take card or board games too seriously.
Never introduce her as your girlfriend early in the relationship.
Never brag about knowing a celebrity or name drop.
Never be critical, because criticism destroys relationships.
Never pick at or scratch your ear, nose, mouth, hair or nails.
Never name your boat after her mother.

~Didi

Mr. Mom — Parenting — Better Conversations with Your Children
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Mr. Mom — Parenting — Better Conversations with Your Children

My question is about parenting social skills. Our time with our son is too short and making conversation at breakfast, on the way to the bus stop, or at the end of the day is hard to get going. We don’t know what’s on his mind other than the games on his Xbox.

Trying to make a conversation with our son usually seems forced, but we’re determined to encourage civilized conversations.

What do you ask after “How was your day?”

–Mr. Mom, Los Angeles

Mr. Mom and moms of all kind everywhere, parenting social skills takes patience and keen listening. Aside from being authentically enthusiastic about your child's interests, you want him to open up to you about any fears, anger or disappointment he may be experiencing. Start off by talking about the positive, because children don't like talking about their bad feelings. At breakfast or on the way to the bus stop, ask, "What are you going to do that is awesome today?" Then at supper, ask, "What was your favorite part of your day?" Or, "What did you do that was fun today?"

Once you get him talking about what interests him, detect and acknowledge any gripe, frustration, injustice,or disappointment he may be feeling.

When possible let him know how you felt when you were in a similar situation. Tell him a story he can relate to, and assure him to understand that those feelings won't last for long.
Should his concern be a household problem that can be solved within the family, help him solve the problem.
While you're at, confide him some of your own mistakes, especially if you are someone who overreact. It should be clear to him that we all make mistakes and we backtrack to self-correct.
Take care in how you criticize your child. If you feel you have to, start by praising him about what he's done right in the situation before suggesting how he could have done better.
Stir clear of talking badly about others as Little Pitchers Have Big Ears. When he hears you passing judgement or being critical of someone else, he may well grow to fear that you feel badly about him too.
Make a ritual of spending ten minutes with him before he goes to bed to take his emotional pulse. Did he have a good day? What was the best thing that happened to him today? Once he's told you what he is happy about, he may well reveal something that he is unhappy about.

At the end of the day, parenting is really about being a keen listener, so that you can tune into anything that may be bothering him and help him solve his problem by making suggestions.

~Didi

Valentine’s Day Alert — Spicing It Up
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Valentine’s Day Alert — Spicing It Up

Every Valentine’s Day is the same: Should we bother to observe it? Should we celebrate by going out to dinner? A movie and take-home Chinese? We procrastinate until the last moment when our favorite restaurants are booked solid. Nobody wants to take a chance on Valentine’s Day for a bad experience by going to a new, expensive restaurant, which is exactly what happened last year. It is as if we sabotaged Valentine’s Day by accident but really on purpose, by not planning ahead.

–AJ, Seattle, WA

Hi AJ, Can you do something entirely different for Valentine's Day that will take you out of your rut? Or can you alternate the responsibility of planning Valentine's Day and start by taking charge this year and making a reservation now, today? You don't want to make a romantic holiday a metaphor for your relationship. Can you try cooking a delicious dinner together paired with your favorite wines?