Dress Code Archives - Newport Manners

Cash Wedding Gift: What Is Correct?
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Cash Wedding Gift: What Is Correct?

I have an etiquette question about giving a cash wedding gift. My nephew was married last weekend. My family of five adults–me, my husband, and three children, all in their twenties, attended. So I thought $200 per person would be the $1,000 wedding gift. Is that correct? I typically ask my sister these questions, but she’s the mother of my nephew and I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable.

Last question, our daughter who lives and works in Paris is attending a wedding in the south of France and she is a bridesmaid. Do you know what the protocol is for a wedding gift in France? Does she give cash to a wealthy couple? Sorry to pester you with these questions. Any advice would be appreciated.

–Deb, Portsmouth, RI

Deb, you did exactly the right thing for your nephew by giving him a cash wedding gift.

For your daughter's friend the bride, she should check out the wedding couple's wedding website for details of a "liste de mariage" (wedding register or bridal register). By typing in the couple's names in the browser and adding "liste de mariage," it should come up. Bridal registries are great because you want to give the couple something they want and not just give them something you think they should have. The other bridesmaids will probably know where the registry is listed. If all else fails, try Le Bon Marche: http://listes.lebonmarche.com

Since your daughter the bridesmaid has expenses attending the wedding, she will not be expected to give a major gift. The $200. (in francs) sounds like too much. As you say, the wedding couple are wealthy. In Paris your daughter can easily find a pair of candle sticks or a picture/photo frame that would be more memorable - and less expensive. Also, there are honeymoon funds where you can, say, buy the couple a couple of bottles champagne for their hotel room.

I'd be curious to know what your daughter ends up giving the wedding couple.

~Didi

BLACK TIE OPTIONAL — WEDDING DRESS CODE
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BLACK TIE OPTIONAL — WEDDING DRESS CODE

I am from Florida and have been invited to a black tie optional wedding in Newport. The ceremony is at 1:30 pm and the reception is at 5:30 pm at The Bohlin. Am I supposed to wear 2 different dresses?

–MH, Florida

The dress code Black Tie Optional is rather confusing. You want to be dressed appropriately, and yet, not overdressed -- nor underdressed. Additionally, having the ceremony three to four hours earlier than the reception leads one to wonder if one needs to dress down for the ceremony and then hours later dress up for the reception: A two outfit wedding? That's thought provoking for most of the guests. The Black Tie dress code request asks all who identify as male to wear a tuxedo. In Newport we're a bit more laid back with the dress code Cocktail Attire being the most popular. Cocktail Attire is a step down from the dress code Black Tie Optional.

First off, I go to the website of the venue to look at recent wedding photos to get a sense of the formality of the facility. Is the reception taking place in a ballroom at one of the fancy mansions, or is it a more casual affair on one of the docks on the harbor?

Secondly, ask the bride or someone close to the bride about the length of the bridesmaids' dresses. If they are long, you can wear a long dress, if the dresses are short, you can wear short. If the reception is on a yacht then you wouldn't wear an evening dress and stiletto heels; you would wear a more comfortable outfit.

By looking at The Bohlin in Newport website (the company organizing the wedding you're attending) photos, you'll see that the wedding may be taking place on a very cool dock on the harbor front under a tent. Most likely not in a ballroom at one of the fancy mansions, for instance. You'll also notice in the photos that many of the men are wearing white (or khaki) trousers and navy blue (or colored) blazers, which is considered Cocktail Attire. Don't be deceived into thinking it is a very formal wedding by photos showing a formally dressed wedding party; the wedding party is overdressed so they stand out and look uniformed in the formal photos.

You would only be expected to wear a formal evening dress if there was to be a seated dinner (called a candlelight dinner) with a starting time closer to eight o'clock.

In a nutshell, you would not be expected to change into an evening gown for a 5:30 reception.

When in doubt wear a lovely cocktail dress or a long dress that is more casual than formal, but still of good quality and design.

Also, the wedding couple's wedding website should make note of the dress codes of the various events surrounding the wedding.

You say the invitation mentions that Black Tie is an option, so, again, you can assume that it is not the most formal of weddings.

Google the actual venue address for photos of recent wedding to see how guests are dressed at receptions at that location: for instance go to Rosecliff weddings Newport that caterers to the most formal weddings and then to the dockside terrace in the marina The Bohlin where more casual receptions are held.

Basically, that seemingly long period of time between the end of the ceremony and the start of the reception allows for wedding photos of just the wedding party.

If you go with a short dress, you can wear a hat to the ceremony, but not to the wedding reception; adding jewelry, such as dangling earrings for a more festive evening look at sunset.

Tip: You may be happy that you brought along a warm pretty shawl or stylish long sweater to Newport in late spring.

~Didi

MINIMONY WEDDINGS: POSTPONING – WEDDING ETIQUETTE – COVID
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MINIMONY WEDDINGS: POSTPONING – WEDDING ETIQUETTE – COVID

Our wedding in October was planned over six months ago. Postponing it for another year seems like dragging a good thing out for the long haul. We had an engagement party at home in Newport over Christmas and people are expecting their save-the-date card so they can make hotel reservations.

We’re weighing our options wondering if we should be flexible – as in here’s hoping everything will be opened up – or whittle down the list for a mini-mony, or simply elope when it becomes easier to travel. A destination wedding wouldn’t work because the old people won’t travel, especially now, and we wouldn’t want them to feel left out.

Not that you’re a fortune teller, but what would you advise, Ms. Didi?

–Althea and Ben, Washington, DC

Dear Wedding Couple,

You are not alone in trying to plan your wedding during the Covid pandemic. Who knows when travel and hospitality venues will be opening up. A lot depends upon containment practices and the availability of a vaccine. As of this writing, the end of 2021 is a safe guess.

We've gone from relatively simple backyard weddings, such as you see in the original 1950 Father Of The Bride movie with Spencer Tracey and Elizabeth Taylor and the 1991 version staring Steven Martin and Diane Keaton, to the 2018 over-the-top Royal wedding between Prince Harry and Megan Markle (that according to the British press cost 45 million US dollars). It would be interesting to know the stats as to which couples stay together longer; the marriages of those who had small versus those marriage whose weddings were huge, but this question is about you.

Remember, you can always have a post wedding reception, or sequel wedding, at another time. Even if it is in celebration of a wedding anniversary, and what could be cheerier?

What we're seeing now are lots of mini-ceremonies and micro-weddings. A mini-mony is all about the ceremony and includes up to a dozen people including the officiant and the wedding couple, and social distancing is top priority; there may be no celebratory party following the ceremony, and a post wedding reception, or sequel wedding, is a possibility at another time. On the contrary, micro-wedding can include up to fifty people, depending upon the size of the venue and the regulations of the state and town: the ceremony is followed by a celebration and a sequel wedding is not anticipated. Just be sure, in both cases, to keep track of the names and addresses or people who have already sent engagement and/or wedding presents, so that you can include them in any larger celebration that you may eventually host.

Here are some of the concerns we've been seeing when substantially sizing down your wedding plans:

Depending upon the location regulations, a mini-mony, a small ceremony, consists of a total of a dozen participants, and has the possibility of a follow up celebration or sequel wedding at another date.
If you already have a wedding website be sure to update it so that you won't have to be answering the same questions over and over from guests. When your wedding is a go, add local hygiene guidelines; suggest they time washing their hands to the chorus of "Marry You" by Bruno Mars.
Remember many churches and wedding venue sites may have to integrate tighter restrictions on the number of people in the church or the banquet hall after the restrictions are lifted. Seating may still be limited.
Keep in touch with your wedding planner or venue.
Keep up to date on local government developments: state and town.
If your wedding insurance policy was taken out before the lockdown and venue closures were put in place, check to see if your policy covers cancellation or rearrangement due to issues relating to travel bans, flight cancellations or government acts, including bans on public or social gatherings or any kind of travel restrictions.
Call your wedding insurer to ask about the terms and conditions.
If you paid any of the downpayments with a credit card, you could be covered, so check that.
Most travel insurance policies cover trips cancelled due to government restrictions, be sure to check your individual plan.
Check on your wedding dress as many are made in China and you want to be sure you have time to get it fitted properly whether your wedding is huge or mini. If there is a problem, you can buy wedding dresses on line to try on at home.
Hygiene guidelines for your wedding should include asking the venue to have antibacterial soap and disposable paper towels in the restrooms, additionally ask that staff spritz every guest with high quality alcohol-based sanitizers and provide for everyone to wear a mask, except the bride and groom.
Chic gift bags could include additional masks and hand sanitizers.

Whatever you decide to do,

working it out together

will deepen your love for each other.

~Didi

DOUBLE-CHEEK-KISSING and the CORONAVIRUS — POSTPONING A WEDDING
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DOUBLE-CHEEK-KISSING and the CORONAVIRUS — POSTPONING A WEDDING

When I think of weddings the image of double-cheek-kissing in the receiving line comes to mind – but what about the coronvavirus? Do we postpone our daughter’s June wedding because of the coronavirus? If so, how do we go about postponing the wedding? When would we postpone it to? We booked a lovely wedding event space in Newport a year ago, and I dare say our daughter and her fiancé don’t wish to wait another year.

–Parents of the Bride, Brooklyn, MA

Dear Parents of the Bride, you have my heart felt sentiments and I agree that if there is ever a time for double-cheek-kissing it's at a wedding, but the coronavirus is testing many couples hoping to be married this year. Some wedding couples are saying, "Let's not wait," and are being married at City Hall or quietly elsewhere. With many churches closed, they are being creative.

Should your daughter and her fiancé opt for that route, they can always have a post-wedding reception down the road.

Purportedly, the number of new coronavirus diagnoses will slow down in the warmer months.
Have a quiet wedding now.
When the coronavirus fatality rate stops growing and, for instance, the state of Rhode Island is no longer in a State of Emergency, you can reset your plans. I know that's painful, but everybody loves a wedding and all those who intended on attending will make a good show.
On the upside, if the wedding dress you ordered is being made abroad, there will most likely be a delay in receiving it on time, but with a change of date you'll have it.

Postponing your daughter's wedding would definitely take finagling.
- Talk to your wedding coordinator and have her or him speak to the events manager where your daughter's wedding is booked about a contingency plan. Ask for a date later in the year, even if it's in the fall. Newport is absolutely beautiful then, and double-cheek-kissing will be all the rage again.
- Another upside is that the wedding couple can keep guests and family amused and in the loop through their wedding website. The trick is to lightened up and have fun with the delay.
- Your guests who received the save-the-date card will be wondering about their hotel and plane reservations, so it is important to act quickly.
Happy to talk to you further about your

daughter's upcoming wedding by phone

or by text at #917-816-0800.

~Didi

Wedding Guest Dos + Don’ts — Red Dress Code
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Wedding Guest Dos + Don’ts — Red Dress Code

My best friend says that I cannot wear my new knockout red dress to an upcoming wedding because it is not appropriate wedding guest dress code attire to wear a bright red dress. Red is my color and the style is my lucky style!

Why does she think I shouldn’t wear a red dress to our mutual friend’s wedding? It’s a beautiful bright and happy dress!

–Lucy, Newport, RI

Hi Lucy,

Red is a truly gorgeous color and since you can wear red -- and not all of us can -- it seems like a natural to you, but put the red dress aside for another special occasion. Red is the foremost attention-grabbing color.

*In many circles, it is considered poor etiquette to wear a red dress to a wedding , because it is an act of rudeness to the bride -- and might even bring you bad luck.

There are not as many dos and don'ts to wedding dress code etiquette as you might expect, but wearing a red dress is at the top of the list.

All eyes should be on the bride -- who, by the way, is the only person wearing an all-white dress at her wedding.

A red dress at any wedding is a distraction. By wearing a red dress you would be saying to those assembled, "Look at me!"

There are many beautiful less obvious reddish hues that you could wear that won't make you stick out as blatantly as bright red. Go with any shade of light or dark coral or pink, such as: blush, cherry, ruby, currant.

Going into fall and winter the colors, burgundy, wine, cranberry, blush, ruby and berry would all be more subtle shades of red. Stay away from bright red, rose, scarlet, candy red, and crimson.

In the photo below, your eyes immediately go to the women wearing red dresses first -- before they gaze at the bride.

All eyes should be on the bride on her wedding day.
It would be incredibly rude to try to upstage the bride on her special day.

~Didi

Wedding Guest Dress Code — Do I Have to Wear A Dress to My Stepson’s Wedding?
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Wedding Guest Dress Code — Do I Have to Wear A Dress to My Stepson’s Wedding?

My question is about wedding guest dress code. My stepson is getting married this October, an outdoor wedding at 4:00 pm. His biological mother will also be at the wedding. What is the appropriate attire for me? I’m 70, petite and haven’t worn a dress in years.

I would consider wearing a dress, just haven’t a clue what to look for.

–Ann, Savannah, GA

Dear Ann,

How formal is your stepson's wedding? That's the first thing you'll need to find out. A four o'clock wedding starting time does not necessarily have a Black Tie wedding dress code. If the dress code is Black Tie, the women will be wearing either an evening dress, a dressy cocktail dress, or a dinner suit, all of which go with the men's tuxedo dress code.

Can you chat up the future bride, her mother, the future groom's mother, or even a mutual family friend? Start by asking them what they will be wearing. Say that you don't want to show up in the same dress but you do want to wear a outfit similar in length (knee length, mid-calf of ankle length), style (strapless, sheath with a matching coat, of an evening suit) and color, but not exactly the same color.

I'm going to stick my head out on a limb and say that since you're not into wearing dresses, you may find that a special occasion jacket with a skirt or dressy slacks is more your style.

I also think that an outdoor wedding may call for a lovely jacket.

See below the beige jacket that we like for you from the Gramercy Atelier that would be comfy and chic to wear to an October Savannah wedding beginning at four o'clock and taking place outdoors:

This Lorca Beige Charleston Jacket from Gramercy Atelier is the perfect solution.

Go to the gramercy-atelier.com website to look at all the different styles of special occasion jackets and the Testimonials, where I found, for instance, this stunning jade special occasion jacket (below) and the sage green suit (here in the group photo where the other women are wearing pink or black).

About the wedding colors: Find out what the wedding colors are so you are in the same color hue. If the wedding colors are blue and silver, for instance, you wouldn't were blue or silver, but you could wear beige or green. See more green special occasion jackets at gramercy-atelier.com.

Maria Pucci's custom made special occasion jackets can go anywhere -- day or night, indoors or out. Dress them up, dress them down, they always look graceful and elegant.

Dressy enough, but too dressy.

We're here to help, so if these suggestions don't appeal to you, you're welcome to come back to us with your size and price range, and we'll try again.

~Didi

NO NECKTIE WEDDING — BUT WHAT ABOUT A JACKET?
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NO NECKTIE WEDDING — BUT WHAT ABOUT A JACKET?

Invited to an informal no neckwear wedding in June. Do I have to wear a jacket? I’m not part of the wedding party, just a roommate from college. The wedding is not in a church, but outside. The groom isn’t wearing a tie, but he is wearing a jacket.

–JG, Portsmouth, RI

Wear what your buddy the groom is wearing to his no necktie wedding. Which is probably a collared (but not button-down) shirt and a lightweight jacket with either matching or contrasting well-cut trousers.

By showing up in a respectable jacket you won't risk being mistaken for one of the caterer's waitstaff.

Whether the wedding is taking place on a beach, in your friend's backyard or a at favorite restaurant, out of respect for the bride on her wedding day, wear a lightweight suit or lightweight jacket or blazer with dress khakis, white or colored trousers.

A pocket handkerchief -- without too many points -- would be swell as well.

~Didi

Trending Informal Wedding Dress Code
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Trending Informal Wedding Dress Code

What style of wedding dress code is appropriate for a 4:00 ceremony. The reception for 50 people will follow immediately after the ceremony. We are having a cocktail hour, then dinner, and dancing. I am the Mother of the Bride. The wedding colors are blush, ivory, periwinkle (a very pale blue, similar to a Williamsburg blue). Very soft colors.

–Elizabeth, Atlanta, GA

Dear Elizabeth, Your daughter's wedding sounds lovely. Fifty guests is a perfect number. Close friends and family. About the wedding dress code:

A four o'clock wedding is traditionally a semi-formal wedding. The wedding party can be dressed formally, but the guests do not have to wear tuxedos and long evening dresses. Since this will not be a formal church wedding, the dress code is slightly informal.

The groom, best man, and ushers follow a set dress code. Meaning mid-grey, charcoal grey, or navy blue suits. There is also a trend in warm weather toward khaki suits and navy blue blazers worn with off-white trousers (quite handsome in the photos).
The bride would not have a wedding gown with a train, nor a cathedral veil of great length, and the skirt length could be knee-length, ankle-length or any length in between. The wedding dress would not be a ballgown, but even for a church wedding her shoulders can be bare (though not if held in a Catholic church).
The bridesmaids' dresses can be of different styles to suit the particular bridesmaid, but are usually the same length, fabric and color. The choice of color is up to the bride because the color reflect her dress, bouquet and wedding colors. Knee length is preferable for a 4:00 pm wedding, even when the bride's gown is long.
The mother-of-the-bride chooses her dress, usually in a shade of beige or a pastel, and sends a photo and/or description to the mother-of-the-groom (who traditionally wears beige or blue). In wedding photos the mothers-of-the-bride and groom always look the best when they are wearing the same length and basically a similar style, although not necessarily the exact same color. Neither would wear white nor any shade of off-white. The only woman at your daughter's wedding wearing white is the bride.

List the dress code on the invitation as Business Suits, or for a less informal wedding, Jackets & Ties. If it is decided that all the men are to wear tuxedos, the dress code is Black Tie; although, you'll find that most women guests will prefer to wear knee-length dresses or dinner suits, rather than a long dress.

We are here to help, Elizabeth, and happy to answer any further questions. As my info about your daughter's wedding was limited, this is a rather general answer to your important question.

~Didi

Are Black Bridesmaid Dresses Absolutely TOO Dismal?
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Are Black Bridesmaid Dresses Absolutely TOO Dismal?

In light of the Time’s Up movement, would it be too dreary to ask my bridesmaids to wear black bridesmaid dresses to a June wedding?

Everyone looked so handsome and beautiful last night during the 75th Golden Globe Awards wearing black, but I don’t want to give a negative connotation on my wedding day. Please advise.

By the way, I’m definitely wearing a black wedding dress whether my mother likes it or not! My fiancé will be wearing a black tux.

–Name Withheld

Your timing for choosing black bridesmaid dresses couldn't be better. Even without the Time's Up Movement, black bridesmaid dresses would be ever so chic and completely in vogue.

The black bridal gown is one of the most popular trends for 2018. This chic style is especially a great favorite in sophisticated cities.
Your bridesmaids won't give you any pushback about wearing black. They'll love being able to wear their dresses again, which isn't always the case with bridesmaid dresses, as you may know.

What you may want to do is to have the black bridesmaid dresses knee-length so that there is a distinct differentiation between your full-length bridal gown and the much shorter bridesmaid dresses.

When wearing a full-length black bridal gown, you probably would not wear a black veil out of respect for various religious beliefs. A greyish-silver-white veil would be lovely or a decorative hair ornament.
You can please your mother with a compromise by choosing white flowers for all the bouquets and boutonnières.

~Didi

Utterly Casual Yacht Wedding
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Utterly Casual Yacht Wedding

My question is about an utterly casual yacht wedding.

My boyfriend and I are invited to a wedding taking place at sea on a yacht. What do we wear? What should we know about a yacht wedding? The dress code is Utterly Casual. Since there are 150 guests we don’t want to be underdressed or overdressed. We’re not sure what Utterly Casual means for a wedding on a boat!

–PH, Manhattan

I can't think of anything more fun than an utterly casual yacht wedding.

You can assume that the bride and groom will be dressed casually, but more formally than their guests. They want everyone to relax and have a good time.

Most important is footwear. Shoes should be broken in so they won't slip or slide on slippery high polished flooring. Don't wear spiked heels that could damage any wooden floors.
Your boyfriend would wear a navy blue blazer or any lightweight linen jacket, a collared open shirt and dress khakis, colored or white trousers with possibly a rubber sole shoe. A tie would be optional.
As the bride will be dressed super casually, you wouldn't want to wear anything that might be dressier than what she's wearing. A jumpsuit would be terrific or any dress that moves well in the wind and on the dance floor that's not puffy with fabric or tacky with sequins.

It goes without saying that sunscreen and a hat are a must for a daytime wedding at sea.

~Didi

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