• Both Parents Escort the Bride Up the Aisle & Father’s Toast: Wedding Etiquette — Ceremony
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Both Parents Escort the Bride Up the Aisle & Father’s Toast: Wedding Etiquette — Ceremony

I have two questions about my daughter’s upcoming wedding: escorting her up the aisle and my toast. My former wife and I have come to an agreement that both parents escort the bride up the aisle at our daughter’s backyard wedding next weekend. My former wife at first insisted that just she should escort our daughter up the aisle. We reached a compromise and we’re both walking our daughter up the aisle. My questions are: On which side do we each take, and at the altar where do we, her parents, stand during the ceremony? It’s a backyard wedding. They were supposed to be married in a church followed by a large reception at the height of Covid-19.

Instead of paying for a big wedding, I helped my daughter and my future son-in-law finance a house in New Hampshire (where their wedding ceremony and reception are taking place) with the money I would have spent on their large pre-Covid wedding. My toast has been relegated to the rehearsal dinner the night before, because the groom’s father “isn’t up to it,” and my wife is giving what should be my toast at the wedding reception. I prepared a fifteen minute toast, and was told it was too long. Then I pared it down to eight minutes. Please advise.

–A Traditional Dad, Newport, RI

First off, congratulations on your daughter's upcoming wedding. It's great fun to see your child launched in whatever endeavor they choose. It's even better when you're asked to participate in a monumental and memorable event. Honor and respect should be at the heart of all wedding celebrations. Whichever side the father of the bride walks is up to the bride. Traditionally, the father of the bide walks down the right side of the aisle with his daughter on his left - facing the officiant with his daughter to his left.
  • At the altar you would stand on your daughter's right side. Your daughter the bride stands to the left facing the officiant at her father's right side.
It's a topsy-turvy world. Everything is slightly ajar, slightly akilter. The global pandemic has changed the way we live now. How we celebrate now. Many old traditions have been augmented. Ask your daughter the bride these questions and abide by her wishes. Lest we not forget that in many cultures it's traditional to have both the mother and the father escort their daughter down the aisle and stand by her during the ceremony. When the bride is escorted by both parents the father is usually on her left arm and the mother on her right arm. Ask the bride where she wants you to stand. Now, about that fifteen minute toast reduced to eight minutes: The protocol exists with good reason. Some things haven't changed and the length of the toast is standard: three to five minutes. In this instance, you are stepping in for your daughter's future father-in-law in making the toast for him to the wedding couple (use their names) at the rehearsal dinner. If the groom's family is paying for the dinner, you would have the guests raise their glasses in thanks to the father and mother of the groom. The rehearsal dinner introduces the main characters to one another.
  • Welcome the guests to the wedding and specifically to the rehearsal dinner; if you are not also paying for rehearsal dinner, thank the groom's family by name(s) for hosting the rehearsal dinner.
  • Introduce yourself with, perhaps, a short story about when you first met the groom.
  • Thank the guests for coming to the wedding couple's happy celebration.
  • Make it clear that you're proud of your daughter for making such a wise choice.
  • Tell your daughter you love them both.
  • Toast the wedding couple to have a brilliant loving future.
  • Time your toast to last three to five minutes.
MEMORY MAKERS  As parents, we are responsible for making and preserving good memories. It is important that anything you say in your toast is kind, generous, and loving. Never sarcastic nor critical. This is not the occasion for the witty father to be roasting his son-in-law. Go in peace. Have fun!  

~Didi

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  • DOUBLE-CHEEK-KISSING and the CORONAVIRUS — POSTPONING A WEDDING
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DOUBLE-CHEEK-KISSING and the CORONAVIRUS — POSTPONING A WEDDING

When I think of weddings the image of double-cheek-kissing in the receiving line comes to mind – but what about the coronvavirus? Do we postpone our daughter’s June wedding because of the coronavirus? If so, how do we go about postponing the wedding? When would we postpone it to? We booked a lovely wedding event space in Newport a year ago, and I dare say our daughter and her fiancé don’t wish to wait another year.

–Parents of the Bride, Brooklyn, MA

Dear Parents of the Bride, you have my heart felt sentiments and I agree that if there is ever a time for double-cheek-kissing it's at a wedding, but the coronavirus is testing many couples hoping to be married this year. Some wedding couples are saying, "Let's not wait," and are being married at City Hall or quietly elsewhere. With many churches closed, they are being creative.
 
Should your daughter and her fiancé opt for that route, they can always have a post-wedding reception down the road.
  • Purportedly, the number of new coronavirus diagnoses will slow down in the warmer months.
  • Have a quiet wedding now.
  • When the coronavirus fatality rate stops growing and, for instance, the state of Rhode Island is no longer in a State of Emergency, you can reset your plans. I know that's painful, but everybody loves a wedding and all those who intended on attending will make a good show.
  • On the upside, if the wedding dress you ordered is being made abroad, there will most likely be a delay in receiving it on time, but with a change of date you'll have it.
     
    Postponing your daughter's wedding would definitely take finagling.
    • Talk to your wedding coordinator and have her or him speak to the events manager where your daughter's wedding is booked about a contingency plan.  Ask for a date later in the year, even if it's in the fall.  Newport is absolutely beautiful then, and  double-cheek-kissing will be all the rage again.
    • Another upside is that the wedding couple can keep guests and family amused and in the loop through their wedding website.  The trick is to lightened up and have fun with the delay.
    • Your guests who received the save-the-date card will be wondering about their hotel and plane reservations, so it is important to act quickly.

    Happy to talk to you further about your

    daughter's upcoming wedding by phone

    or by text at #917-816-0800.

~Didi

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  • How To Work With A Wedding DJ
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How To Work With A Wedding DJ

How do we go about finding and working with a DJ?  At weddings we’ve been to recently the music just didn’t seem right for us, and anyway, we wouldn’t want to have the same DJ for basically the same group of friends.  Please advise us about how to find, hire, and work with a DJ. Like how much do we need to budget in for a DJ for our wedding this summer.

–Avery & George, Newport, RI

Hi Avery and George, your wedding coordinator could be your best bet on this.  He or she knows your budget and your style.  But still this is what you should know:
  • Look for an online wedding forum in the zip code where the wedding is taking place, but don't give out info about the date or location of the wedding, or you could get crashers. You're looking for information: DJs to interview, or not interview.
  • Get started now, because the best DJs may not be available if you procrastinate.
  • Don't go with a referral until you've actually talked to the references on the phone about what the wedding couple liked and didn't like about the DJ.
  • Make a short-list of DJ names and interview them.  If you're lucky they'll tell you where they are working on a certain night and you can go to the bar or club and listen without getting personal.
  • When you narrow down your list of possibilities ask:
  1. How many weddings has the DJ done in how many years?  100 in three years? 300 in five years?
  2. How many songs does the DJ have in their repertoire 10,000 songs?  100,000 songs?
  • The venue where the wedding is taking place will have a list of contacts for DJs they've worked with in the past that they recommend.  They may even have a short list of DJs they would NOT recommend.
  • Make a list of the requirements that you're going to insist on in your contract with the DJ.
  1. The exact amount of time you want music being played--even when it's softly in the background during diner--to ensure that there are no long deadly silences where guests start asking each other, What happened to the music?
  2. Look for a contract that states hours that don't include set up and breakdown.  For instance anywhere from $500 to $1,000 an hour for the DJ's performance.  The lower hourly prices may not include equipment setup time or rentals. Is there an added fee for rental equipment or a sound man?
  3. How many songs do they play in three hours?  About 200 during the dancing hours, meaning one song per minute?
  4. Make it clear if the DJ is also performing the duties of the Master of Ceremonies, because some DJs are not comfortable taking on the role of an MC.  You might rather have the best man, maid of honor, a sibling or other friend take on the role of Master of Ceremonies, especially if the DJ is not good at pronouncing names he or she doesn't know.
  5. Find out how amenable the DJ is to suggestions.  The DJ may not respond well to a list you've printed off of Google, as they like to read the crowd.
  6. The best DJs study the guests looking for clues:  What kind of music makes them suddenly get up and dance?  What songs do they sing along with?  What songs do they raise their arms and move their hands and shoulders to?
  7. If you don't want the DJ playing cheesy disco, make that clear:  Be emphatic:  No "Y.M.C.A." or "Macarema."  If you don't want hip-hop during dinner, make that clear.  The First Hour the DJ should play a little bit of everything; a variety, to find out what kinds of music people are gravitating towards that makes them swing their bodies, and then go stronger with that sound in the last hour.
  8. Have a romantic playlist of memorable songs that are standards at weddings.  Maybe include Aretha Franklin's "Respect." You get the picture.
The most important job of the D.J. is his or her talent in reading the room full of guests:  Pick up on energy cues, go high, go low, go with the flow.

Happy to answer further questions here

or by text at #917-816-0800.

~Didi

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