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There are three of us in this relationship and it presents a major hurtle in dating. My girlfriend is addicted to her cellphone. It’s like having another person in the room whom she can’t take her eyes off. Even at a restaurant her phone is on the table and she periodically reads messages. For example, we can be in mid-conversation about the fact that my dad is dying and she’ll start texting or eyeing social media.

I would say that this is the opposite of sexting, texting during a serious face-to-face conversation! I keep asking her to put her phone away, but she’ll say, “It’s business,” which I would bet it is not.

How can I communicate with her that I wish she would pay more attention to me and less to her screen? Last night she fell asleep with her cellphone in her hand.

–RC, Brooklyn, NY

There is no simple solution to handling cellphone abuse during dating, and so understanding the addiction is valuable.

Next time, before your sweetheart goes scrolling down that rabbit hole of browsing and texting on her cellhone, remember that she probably knows she’s addicted to her cellphone, and that she can’t do anything about it.

She hates that she loves it and she loves hating it. Here are a couple of counter-intuitive ways to help her free herself.

Encourage her to acknowledge that it may not be the technology that she is addicted to, but the social awards from being liked instead of ignored.

• You know how she feels, since the consequence for you is that she ignores you.
• Talk about the patterns that set off her anxiety and addiction and compare them to gambling or having an abusive friend or partner.

Most of what we tend to feel, think and do is inevitably influenced by our anticipation about other people’s expectations of us.

We see our world through the viewpoint of our friends and acquaintances, and we intuitively imagine circumstances that influence most of what we do.

• There is nothing inherently wrong with her texting, emailing and using social media, because they provide a platform for not only her need to be connected on the one hand, but also for her addiction to watch and monitor others, and better still, for her need to be seen, heard from, remembered, monitored, judged and praised by others.
• It is natural to want to know how much others mean to her, and how much she wants to mean something to them, because these are instincts embraced and followed by her circle of friends.

The problem, as you say, is setting boundaries. So, as a couple, why not talk and set your intentions.

• The screen doesn’t flicker on the night-table but from across the room on your bureau. (There are those who believe sleeping next to, or carrying a cellphone close to the body, is dangerous, because your cellphone is connected to satellites that radiate harmful energy.)
• At meals, neither of you use your phones but you can see when your babysitter or dad is trying to communicate with you.
• At bedtime, your phones are not next to your bed.
• Neither of you answer emails after six o’clock at night.
• Make time to spend a couple of hours in a natural environment.
• Gauge how much time you spend in face-to-face conversation not looking at a screen.

When talking about who cares more, or less, about cellphone addiction, think of the dynamic as one of rising and falling tides, unceasing traits.

As a romantic duo you might not wish to argue about who is the superior, who is the inferior — by not being judgmental.

~Didi