Family Funerals

My daughter-in-law and I are fairly close. Should I go to her mother’s funeral even though I never met her?

–Melinda, Illinois

About family funerals and whether to attend or not when you never met the deceased.

You would attend the funeral of your daughter-in-law’s mother in support of your son’s wife and the extended family you share.

Understandably, a daughter has a hard time when her mother dies, no matter how difficult the relationship may or may not have been. Sadly, the most arduous mother-daughter relationships may be the hardest deaths to deal with because of deeply rooted unresolved issues.

Suggest specific things that you could do to help your daughter-in-law through this difficult time — such as offering to help with the preparations for the service or reception, or by keeping track of the condolence flowers and cards; providing a dinner one night for your son’s family; helping to pack up and vacate the deceased’s house or apartment and dispersing and/or disposing of her mother’s worldly goods. These are a few of the many ways your welcomed assistance will be useful while your daughter-in-law struggles to accept her loss.

On the other hand, your daughter-in-law could shut you out and not want any help at this time, but don’t take it personally. For the moment she may be withdrawing from family and friends in an effort to pull herself together. Give her all the time she needs to make the huge adjustment of losing a parent.

We all go through the mourning process in our own way and in our own time. It may be that your daughter-in-law will need your friendship most weeks or months from now when the funeral is but a sad memory. Her mother’s death is a bitter loss.

If your son and daughter-in-law have children, their children — your grandchildren — will find comfort in knowing that their father’s mother is alive, well, and presently on the scene. Your presence would be greatly appreciated.

Grandmothers are memory makers. Even if they are not part of the child’s daily routine, they come to the rescue when her family needs her moral support.