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I have a question regarding mother-of-the-groom attire for a gay wedding, taking place next July. Since there is no mother-of-the-bride to direct protocol, is the proper approach simply to discuss preferences with the other mother, while deferring to the grooms regarding color and formality of the dress?

The time and venue of the wedding makes the issue of formality slightly tricky, as the ceremony will be held early in the morning, on a beautiful grassy knoll, near but not on a beach…whereas the brunch that follows will be held in a very high-end hotel.

The grooms plan to dress formally in tuxedos. In these circumstances, would it be appropriate to wear a tasteful floor-length gown in a muted color, with a fairly high neckline, elbow-length sleeves and perhaps a matching jacket? Or would that be too formal? I have my heart set on a long gown, but don’t want to break the rules or appear, heaven forbid, too flashy!

Thanks very much for your help.

–Katie, Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada

As you say, “the mothers” as they are called, should agree on the dressiness of their outfits. Think of the wedding photos and you’ll see why it is in your best interest to have you both dressed in the same length and style of dress, but not necessarily in the exact same color.

Although, you both could wear different shades of the same color, such as Turquoise for one and French Blue for the other; or one can wear Light French Beige and the other Ecru.

A morning wedding ceremony followed by a formal brunch, no matter how formally dressed the wedding couple, does not call for the wedding party and the guests to be donned in formal attire.

Only if the other mother wishes to do so, too, would you wear a full-length dress. Then again you should agree about the design, style and color. In other words, you would not want to be brazenly more fashionable or dressier than your son’s mother-in-law.

My best suggestion for both of you mothers is to go with a more modern and sophisticated look. That’s why I’m recommending that you both wear an exquisitely made special occasion jacket, in either a silk or linen, with either a solid colored skirt or slacks.

Look for an outfit that you will be able to wear for decades to come. Without knowing your builds or lifestyles, the taller you are the longer the jacket should be.

This is a dressy summer look extremely popular in resorts such as Palm Beach, Charleston, Newport, RI, Palm Springs, and Nantucket. It would be more appropriate for Vancouver Island than a full-length gown.

To illustrate the look I’m recommending, I use Maria Pucci’s website gramercy-atelier.com where you would click on ‘Mother of the Bride’ to view these popular favorites and much more.

~Didi