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I want to know if sending a book about strong women during the civil war would be an appropriate book to send to my daughters (One of whom has a toddler. My other daughter, unfortunately, had a recent miscarriage.) In doing so, I wanted to say to them that they will make great, strong, mothers, but I didn’t want to make my second daughter feel sad, or anxious. The doctor says she will undoubtedly have another opportunity to have a healthy baby and not to worry. The book is really wonderful and talks about how strong women are and can be. My daughters are thirty-somethings. Thank you.

–Victoria, Piedmont, North Carolina

Before sending the book why not ask each daughter if she would like to read it? Then ask what they would read it on? For instance, digitally (on a Nook, Kindle, or tablet) or would they be more apt to read a hardcover (or paperback) book?

If they read only digital books and you send a hardcover book, you may be disappointed if your daughters don’t read it. People can be fussy about how they read a book —  digitally or the old-fashioned way.  We should communicate with our daughters on their wave length for more effective results.

Sending your daughters — out of the blue — a book with a particular message could come off as tedious preaching. Asking first may lower your expectations, but at least you’ll be less disappointed when you find out they didn’t read it.

Mothers’ expectations of daughters should be realistic and you certainly do not want to make this a competition.

Most mothers have the best intentions, so why not take a random-reach-out approach in the form of a call to make a lunch date first to pave the way.

Over lunch or a walk in the park, ask your daughter if she would like to read the Civil War book about interesting women. Engage her in some of the stories by telling her about characters you discovered and why you admire them.

At a later date — say, while preparing the Thanksgiving turkey — she may bring up some of the characters and their stories.

~Didi