POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE & MANNERS: APOLOGIZING

Valentine’s Day is a fine time to make an apology to someone you’ve offended, humiliated, or hurt their feelings. You don’t need a box of candy or bouquet of flowers to apologize. A simple text, email or voicemail with do: Please forgive me for not showing up Saturday night.

People who over-apologize can be annoying.

How was the person behind them (me) expecting HIM to hold the door open–when he couldn’t even see me (he didn’t have eyes in the back of his head)–but he apologized for not holding the door open? Really, it’s a bit much.
Saying “sorry” that you don’t have the exact change: why should you–you’re not a bank teller or cashier?
Apologizing to the caller who had the wrong number? Give me a break! Mistakes happen when your pad hits the wrong key, but there is no need to say “sorry” to the caller.

It’s quite different, for instance, when you’ve stood up in public at a City Council meeting and unfairly slandered the head of a volunteer commission for doing her job, because you didn’t get your way. That’s the instance when you pick up the phone to apologize to someone who, as it turns out, is your mother-in-law’s second cousin once removed.

In making an apology:

Don’t pass the buck. Own up to the mistake, or don’t make the apology.
Acknowledge your mistake and briefly explain what you did wrong.
The fact that you are taking the time to make an apology will be appreciated.
In winding up an apology offer some kind or recompense. Such as:

To the person whose reputation you smeared, tell that person that you will write a letter to the editor of the local paper admitting your error.

To the person you stood up Saturday night, suggest another meeting: “Let’s have a drink after work.”

We especially like these two cards as a way of apologizing: This first Dempsey and Carroll card that says on the front: regrets his behavior at, which let’s you fill in (Jack regrets his behavior at your holiday party), as a way of showing that you’ve taken the time to acknowledge that you’ve misbehaved or/and hurt their feelings.