The Third Wife - Family Relationships

The Third Wife — Family Relationships

My question is about being the third wife and how to improve family relationships.

As the third wife, even after ten years of marriage, I feel like the outsider. My husband had three children with his first wife, who unexpectedly died too young. As a widower with three children, he may have married his second wife out of loneliness, but his now adult children remain close to their first stepmother — to the extent that she might just as well be their mother. I can’t seem to break through into the family circle. When we get together for holidays, birthdays and graduations, it seems as though there are three people in my marriage.

Even though I know my husband favors me, his children favor her. Any suggestions?

–GB, Seattle, WA

As the the third wife myself, I can relate personally to your concern about family relationships. I understand that there are a myriad of problems with being the last wife when the adult children are from your husband’s first marriage.

Your husband’s adult children have a strong bond with their first stepmother. After all, she was not only your husband’s second wife, she is the closest they had to a real mother during formative years. They’ve been through a lot with their first stepmother. The bonds could be much stronger than you realize, especially while your husband was mourning the death of their mother.

If you really want to make it into the inner circle, create your own relationships with the adult children, their spouses/partners and your husband’s grandchildren. Make your and your husband’s own memories with them.

Think of yourself as a memory maker. Everything you do should generate a happy lasting remembrance. It is not about how much money you spend, but about the quality of the time you exert remembering birthdays and anniversaries and celebrating graduations and other milestones.

Encourage your husband to experience time with his adult children and their children alone by going fishing, sailing or taking a camping trip — adventures that he does without you or his second wife.

Offer to help out with the grandchildren. Go to their soccer or baseball games, dance and musical recitals and attend plays. With your husband invite the grandchildren to spend the weekend or stay with you for a week during their vacation so that the parents are freed up to be alone together.

During that time, teach your step grandchildren how to muck out a stall, plant carrots, bake cupcakes, scramble eggs, wash a car, ride a bike, play chess or checkers, pingpong or croquet, draw or watercolor. You get the picture.
During these times have each child keep an album of photos, drawings, and well-wishing messages that they can return to the next time they visit. A memory book.
Display their artwork and be sure to have photos of each grandchild visible and laid out in frames around your home. It will make them feel welcome.
Keep file cards of each child’s likes, dislikes, and allergies. If one child doesn’t like hot dogs, don’t serve them; when a child is allergic to peanuts, don’t even have a jar of peanut butter in the fridge.
Find activities you can do together and have craft supplies and games in a bin that they can access easily filled with such items as: play dough, construction paper, watercolors and brushes, crayons, children’s scissors, puzzles, board games, cards.
Take out books from your public library ahead of time, so you’ll always have stories to read aloud to them, and eventually they’ll read to you.