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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do — Romance
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do — Romance

Didi, breaking up is hard to do. How do I breakup with my boyfriend of many years? We live together. We’ve been through so much as a couple and he’s always been there for me. I don’t want to break his heart. He’s pressuring me to get married, but I really don’t want to marry him.

–Name Withheld

Breaking up is hard to do whether you're breaking up with a lover or someone who once was a very good friend, obviously some ways of ending the relationship are better than others. In order to preserve the friendship, you will have to be calmly compassionate without the appearance of condescension.

Being deceitful or blaming a third person on the dissolution of the relationship are the two worst ways of manipulating a breakup. How about lying about why you didn't come home the other night and blaming it on your mother?
Avoiding the person by ghosting them is sheer cruelty and immature.

Research on breakups in intimate relationships found that using a positive tone while openly communicating with the person is the most honest approach.

Arrange a stressless time and place to meet face to face, such as a park bench on a sunny Saturday. Do not meet on your lunch break or over drinks after work -- unless you're looking for breakup sex.
Make an effort to show that you value the time you've spent together. How much fun you had on a trip or working on a project.
While keeping eye contact gently describe the reason for the breakup. It could be that you're not feeling the same enormity of love that you once felt deeply.

If that's the reason, you can say something such as, "I can't hide my true feelings any longer..."

If the reason for the breakup is that you're gay, tell her or him.
If the person doesn't turn you on, be honest and say you're just not that into him any more.

Put yourself in the other person's shoes knowing that the worst feeling in the world is thinking you did the best you could (if this is the case) and it still wasn't good enough. Once you have feelings for someone, they'll always be there. You may not love that person any more but you still care how the breakup will affect him. Learning that someone you love has lost interest in you is probably one of the worst feelings ever. So:

Never blame the other person for the breakup.
Verbally explain the reason you don't want to be a couple any longer.
Try to prevent the conversation from ending on a sour note.
Try to convince the person that the breakup will serve you both. For instance, if you work in different cities.

How to break up with someone effectively:

Realize that this is going to be uncomfortable for both of you. Ending a romantic relationship without drama, pain, or guilt should be the objective.
Talk about ways to end the relationship that meet your needs and those of your about to be ex-partner. Such as, compromising about the custody of the dog, putting leases in one name or the other. Helping them visualize that things will be different by talking about diving up the goods, which seems frightfully materialistic, but is realistic. Who gets that expensive new mattress?
You want to avoid bitterness and move forward in a healthy way, and perhaps even consider staying friends.

Lastly, never invest deep feelings for someone unless you're ready to face the consequences. I know. Easier said than done.

~Didi

Saying “Sorry” and Meaning It — Apologizing — Friendship
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Saying “Sorry” and Meaning It — Apologizing — Friendship

In trying to restore a friendship by apologizing, I think I made the situation even worse by making too big of a deal about my mistake. No matter how hard I tried to explain the situation from my point of view, I didn’t come away with the feeling that my saying, “I’m sorry,” was enough to mend fences. How do you convince someone that you are really sorry?

–Irene, Portland, OR

Apologizing is rocky whether you try too hard or not hard enough; merely saying "I'm sorry" is not always enough to say toward restoring a friendship. The apology should have been about the other person who was offended by what you said or did or neglected to say or didn't do, than about you, Irene. According to psychologist Harriet Lerner, in her new book, WHY WON'T YOU APOLOGIZE?, when there is an attempt to rationalize the reason for the apology, the lasting affect is "never satisfying."

The most authentic apologies are short.
Don't include an explanation in your apology, because it undoes the apology.
Never ask for forgiveness, the offended may accept the apology but probably won't forget the wrongdoing.

Focus should be on what the offender has done or said, not on the offended's reaction to the apology.

Never say, "I'm sorry you feel that way," because it moves the focus away from the person apologizing by yo-yo-ing "I'm sorry" into "I'm not really feeling all that sorry."

Dr. Lerner writes, "humans are hard-wired for defensiveness. It's very difficult to take direct, unequivocal responsibility for our hurtful actions. It takes a great deal of maturity to put a relationship or another person before our need to be right." It may be that the offended person is the one who needs to talk (to you or a professional) about why they are so hurt by the offense. In order for the offended to understand their history behind the hurt feelings exacerbated by the transgression, they may need to do some soul searching. In that situation, Dr. Lerner says, "non defensive listening (to the offended party) is at the heart of offering a sincere apology."

Listen to the offended person and don't "interrupt, argue, refute, or correct facts, or bring up your own criticisms and complaints," says Dr. Lerner.
Apologize for the offense, no matter how small your part may have been.

Assuming your share of the responsibility by making a simple apology for the offense is the healthy, mature and healing way to repair a relationship.

~Didi

My Boyfriend — The Texter — Relationships
Creative Etiquette Solutions

My Boyfriend — The Texter — Relationships

With Valentine’s Day approaching, I’m contemplating dropping my boyfriend ‘the Texter,’ as my friends call him, because he prefers a 2-D relationship to spending real time with me. I want to tell him face to face that occasional sexting doesn’t compensate for warm and cuddly or spontaneous conversation. I want to read his facial expressions and interpret the tone of his voice. Is that too much to ask from someone who he calls me his girlfriend?

–AGT, Brooklyn, NY

Think of texting as maintenance. Obviously there is a right way of texting to strengthen your relationship and knowing there's a wrong way that only creates distance. There are things you shouldn't be texting about. For instance new information that could leave one of you wondering during the downtime, when you're not texting, that something is new or amiss. Just because you can tell anything to anyone at anytime doesn't mean you necessarily should. For instance, if you had applied for a new dream job that came through and he waited a couple of hours to text back "Gratz!" Wouldn't you be annoyed that he waited so long and didn't seem as thrilled as you would have liked him to be, if you had waited to tell him in person? Level with him. You're not on the same playing field. You're looking for romance and he's still into his x-box. Maybe it is time to move on. Tell him how you feel. Set guidelines about spending time together. Tell him you both have to save the important conversations like your acing your dream job -- or wanting to break up with him because you you two don't get enough face time -- so that he can see your glow when you're with him, or you his disappointment that you're dumping him.

~Didi

Breaking Up During the Holidays
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Breaking Up During the Holidays

My girlfriend broke up with me and the holidays are here. We were suppose to visit both of our families to announce our engagement. I even bought her the ring she wanted. She was going to come to the Christmas party at my office and those who hadn’t met her are eager to meet her. It’s off. We’re done and I don’t know what to say. It makes me too emotional to have to answer questions about why we broke up. What do I say?

–Anonymous, Windsor, CT

When breaking up, whether during the holidays or any other time of year, the simplest --and kindest -- thing to say is this: We decided jointly that we weren't right for each other. Leave it at that: you mutually agreed that you were not meant to get married. In breakups like yours it is a two-way street, you're both seeing the relationship going in different directions. That means you are in agreement that you are not headed in the same direction. It is better to go through the holidays single, footloose and fancy-free, than dangling like a Christmas bulb that's too heavy for the tree. The strings of your heart will slowly pull free as you go out and about, at first pretending to have a good time until you recognize the fact that you are free to have a great time.

~Didi

How to Talk to My Husband about His Stalker
Creative Etiquette Solutions

How to Talk to My Husband about His Stalker

My husband’s ex-girlfriend always makes a move on Valentine’s Day. We feel her presence. They spent one Valentine’s together and apparently she harbors deep resentment from the rejection. I get that. We’ve been married four years, but she’s still stalking our marriage. I don’t want to sound like a jealous wife, but it is weird. My husband and I can’t go on LinkedIn without her name and photo popping up — even though she’s not in our networks. We don’t go to places they went to together, but she finds our new spots and shows her face — and always around Valentine’s. My husband even changed his gym, but she found him at the new one and I’ve seen her a couple of times in my spin class. We live in a huge metropolis, so these sightings of her are not coincidental. What do you do about someone with a burned cellphone who calls with a religious chant in the background at eleven o’clock at night and doesn’t say a word? My husband recalls once listening to a CD of a Gregorian chant with her.

–Anonymous, New York City

Apparently some women give themselves a gender pass when it comes to stalking. Most of us have been through a romantic obsession of some sort, but carrying it to this degree is definitely weird. It's narcissistic of her to think she can have a relationship with the two of you, when you want nothing to do with her. Whether she calls once a year or every single day to leave a Gregorian chant, it is bad behavior. Extremely rude. In a perfect world the kind thing to do would be to sit down and talk to her with the intention of dismantling the fantasy. She has to come to grips with reality and cease all contact. As well as get professional counseling to help her grieve and live with her feelings, because when you're aggressive like that -- you're no longer in love. It's obsession -- creepy. Being rejected is a loss. All stalkers have a predilection for predatory violence and sketchy sexual desires.

~Didi

Called-Off Wedding Party Gift
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Called-Off Wedding Party Gift

A wedding I was invited to has been called off, but the reception will take place as a “party”. My question is, am I expected to bring a monetary gift? I feel they are trying to recoup some of their losses, but it shouldn’t be my problem. Since the former bride’s mother is a friend, do I opt out of the “party” because I don’t want to give a monetary gift?

–T.M., Location withheld

It sounds as though the wedding was called off by mutual consent. The reception hall, caterer, band/DJ, and other vendors have already been engaged and payments were made, so why not have a party anyway? If guests were not specifically asked to give a monetary gift to the party, then you would not have to give one to attend. The reciprocity for having attended a party (not a wedding) is a return invitation going forward. You would also send a thank-you note or email to the host and a gift, of any kind, would not be expected. On the other hand, if the mother is your friend and you go to the party, you should ask her if you can reimburse her for your food and drink.

~Didi

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