There have been so many Holiday Etiquette 2022 concerns–all timely and important: a present that you know is a regift; a gift that costs way too much and how to reciprocate; a gift that is the same as their gift to you last year; what to do if someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them anything? And other uncomfortable situations: What about the guest who clearly has had too much to drink? What about the would-be guest who didn’t receive an invite his friend’s holiday party? To mask or unmask or stay home?

–Didi Lorillard, Newport, RI

~Didi

My question is about finding a mother of the bride dress for a summer wedding shipboard.

My daughter’s being married on a yacht in Newport in August. Needless to say, I won’t be wearing a long dress and high heels onboard. Would you please give me some suggestions. The options in the bridal department stores didn’t seem to fit the bill, so to speak. I need a more sophisticated yet casual look. Like what I’d wear on a yacht in the Mediterranean. Dressy Casual. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

 

–Loretta, New York City

Thank you for your question about mother of the bride summer dresses. Congratulations and what fun to have a Newport yacht wedding in August. Here are a few of our favorite dressy casual ensembles:

These four photos are curtesy of Maria Pucci at Gramercy Atelier.

     

~Didi

HELP! As I am a working mother, I have no time to shop for a mother of the groom dress and my son is getting married next month. Everyone keeps asking me what I’m wearing and I’m embarrassed that I don’t know. My son said the color is purple and that the mother of the bride will be wearing a lavender cocktail dress meaning knee length. Can you recommend a dress that would end just below my knees that is not sleeveless or backless, please?

–Elizabeth, Boston, MA

Dear Elizabeth, the sooner you find your mother of the groom dress the better you'll feel. Not that you're not already under a lot of pressure, but let's get going. We're here to help. Let's get started. As you know, everyone may have to have such a special occasion outfit altered a bit...here or there. Either the shoulders, sleeves, hem length, or waist. Wedding photos last forever and for your dress to be misfitting would be regretful. Better department stores and small specialty dress boutiques are best for finding an establishment that will alter your dress once you've purchased it. Be advised that it is not uncommon to need two fittings for one dress. So be sure to try it on when you go to pick it up after any alteration.

• My best advice is to go onto the website of a store in your area and click on dresses, after that you can click on color, hem length and sleeve length, and, of course, click on a price range. When you find a couple of choices that suit you either order a couple (if they are returnable) or visit the store in person and seek out a friendly salesperson.
• Your outfit should look as good from the front for the wedding photos as it does from the rear when you're walking back down the aisle after the ceremony.

For a church or outdoor ceremony or reception (as many weddings are being held outdoors due to the continual surges in the Covid pandemic), a dress that falls just below your knees, such as a cocktail-style dress with a bit of sleeve would work nicely. You say the mother of the bride is wearing a lavender cocktail length dress, and I gather you're taking her lead, so any shade of purple would be beautiful. Go online ahead of time and spend some time looking at dresses in both the bridal department and the dresses/cocktail department in your size before heading out to the store and you'll wast less time.

Have fun! It's your special day, too!

~Didi

Hi Didi,
My niece is getting married at the end of May in Los Angeles at a beautiful old Hollywood style boutique hotel. She is wondering if she should wear a single or two layer veil? Is there a significance to either? She is a beautiful, romantic and stylish woman.

–Lynda, Boston, MA

~Didi

–May Bride & Groom, New England

~Didi

Didi, what is the etiquette these days for inviting friends to a wedding shower but not inviting them to the actual wedding? Due to Covid our daughter’s wedding had been postponed. We are trying to keep everyone safe by keeping the numbers down and the wedding will be outside under an open sided tent for ventilation. Before the wedding weekend we are planning a wedding shower in our former home town to invite friends to meet the wedding couple, but we’re concerned about the wedding etiquette that says a guest invited, for instance, to the engagement party is always invited to the wedding. Is that still the proper etiquette?

Does that etiquette apply to a wedding shower?

Would it be alright to have a wedding shower that includes some guests that are not invited to the wedding?

There was an engagement party last month in the city where the wedding couple live and work for those who probably wouldn’t be making the trip to the wedding this spring. We’re trying not to leave anyone out and we want our many friends and family to know the wedding couple.

–NPW, Portsmouth, RI

Thank you for your timely question about wedding shower etiquette. The current etiquette for a wedding shower has been updated since the pandemic. Now that restrictions on the number of people allowed at a social gathering are loosening up, weddings that had been postponed are happening! The actual wedding--for the most part--is smaller and wedding couples and their families are hosting social occasions to include friends that are not being invited to the wedding. Most of the guests you are inviting to the wedding shower will understand that times are changing and that they should not expect a wedding invitation. The one part that is tricky is that if a wedding shower guest goes to the wedding website to find the wedding couple's registry to send them a present, they may feel left out of the actual wedding when they see info about the other events around the wedding: the welcoming cocktail event, rehearsal dinner, bridal lunch, ceremony, reception and post-wedding brunch. Perhaps for that very reason, you would not put the wedding website address on the wedding shower invitation, even though they could probably find the website on their own. Are we to assume that this wedding shower will be the only shower? That there won't be a bridal shower hosted by the bridesmaids? In many areas of the country the wedding shower is called the "Jack & Jill." Thank you for the timely question. We're here to help. Have fun organizing your daughter's wedding and remember that wedding etiquette is always evolving.

~Didi

On a wedding invitation, whose family crest should be displayed? The bride’s or the groom’s? The bride’s family is paying for most of the wedding – if that matters here.

–EG, New York

~Didi

Our question is about holiday party invitations, entertaining and mask-wearing.

Today is the day we had planned to send out our holiday party invitations and order a Vermont party ham, but we have no idea what to do because the new Omicron variant of Covid is spreading like wild fires in the USA, and we need to know how to party in this time of the Omicron variant? The usual suspects had been advised that we were hoping to continue our ritual holiday party – having suspended it the year before. Sadly, the biggest problem is that some potential guests are not fully vaccinated, many of whom travel around a lot. We invite mostly people from the neighborhood and close friends, but some commute into the city.

Dr. Fauci and the WHO say to only have small gatherings, mandatory mask wearing for those not vaccinating and good ventilation, and distancing. Well good ventilation isn’t possible with a fire burning in the fireplace, the thermostat up to 69 degrees, and the social awkwardness of asking people to wear a mask. We’re all sick of wearing masks. We can’t ask people to show us their CDC vaccine status and their most recent Covid test result! Do we wing it and have faith that anyone sick or who has been exposed decides not to attend our holiday party? Or do we simply call the whole thing off for another December? Everybody wants to party, especially the kids.

–Linda, Greenwich, CT

~Didi

My question is about restaurant dining etiquette. At a restaurant, is it considered rude to keep talking in front of the waiter when he brings the food or is it rude to interrupt the conversation?

–Fanny, France

Dear Fanny,  Thank you for your most interesting question about restaurant dining etiquette.  The people dining at the table have placed their orders and the waiter presumably knows who ordered what. In that case, don't interrupt an interesting conversation, after thanking your server when your plate has been laid down in front of you. If after laying down all the plates your server is still standing by the table, your server probably wants to know if there is anything else that needs to be brought to the table? A condiment, steak knife, another bottle of wine, more bread? In other words, you don't have to end a good conversation while politely interjecting a request or asking about an ingredient in your order such as an herb or other savory.       It's important to always acknowledge those serving you to show that you appreciate their time and it is also important that you don't ignore a waiter who is trying to be helpful. On the other hand, it's just as polite to disturb the discussion as little as possible. As the host you might collectively ask your guests, "Does anyone need anything?" Opening up the conversation for the server to bring more wine or bread, for instance.   Remember that the protocol in France (and in many countries) is that you would never call the server over to your table. You would never directly address the waiter saying,"Garçon," as you waved the waiter over.

• Garçon is the french word for boy and these days one would never ever address a server using boy.  A waiter is usually an adult.

It is the server's job to be alert; to sense and solve the concerns of your table. Make eye contact and with a slight nod to your server, they will come to your side so that you can ask for the check or another bottle of wine discreetly--without disrupting the conversation in full swing.

~Didi

Didi, we are vegan and we are in the midst of planning our vegan wedding reception dinner menu.  Understandably, not all of the guests are vegan–especially those guests of our parents’ generation.  We’re not redneck hippies about food, but we want to adhere to our principles about food.  Do you have any recommendations for us?  We’re looking for a festive menu for a seated wedding reception dinner that will appeal to 150 guests. Or least be palatable to most.  Do you have any suggests?

–C & W, Boston, MA

Here is an autumn & winter dinner menu that works well for a seated wedding reception dinner.  Having the name of the guest at the top of the menu allows the menu to double as a place card.

(Guest's name in a large handsome font.)

FIRST COURSE

macomber turnip and apple soup

roasted heirloom baby carrots, hazelnut pistou

SECOND COURSE

grilled marinated cauliflower steak

shoestring onions, vegan demi-glace

sweet corn polenta cake

baby kale, caramelized onion, piquillo pepper

roasted sunchokes

shallots, lemon, herbs

orecchiette with vegetarian meatballs

caramelized onion, arugula

local green salad with herbs

shallot-champagne vinaigrette

romanesco cauliflower, endive, fennel and turnip

saffron poppy seed dressing

DESSERT

wedding cake

sweets and dancing, dancing, dancing

Date of reception

CHARLOTTE & WILLIAM

C & W, please, do let us know--if you do use any of this above menu--how it worked out so that we can be helpful to other vegan hosts.  Have fan at your fantastic wedding!

Vegan wedding care and sweets.

Photo credit:  VG Patisserie, Paris, France

~Didi

Are interruptions rude?  In a real life conversation can’t an interruption sometimes enliven the discussion?  At a recent dinner party of eight friends around the table the conversation at one point got rowdy in a jolly way, with everyone putting in their two cents on a particular topic.  It was all in good fun and didn’t get out of hand.  No one was mean or critical.

• Isn’t it far better–and more fun–to have real life lively conversation rather than too many dreary dead silences?

On a professional level, when our company team is problem solving on a Zoom and colleagues start interrupting, we often find that the conversation becomes more constructive and productive.  Really, are all interruptions rude?

–Diana, Newport, RI

Is there an art to interrupting one another during an intense conversation?  Are interruptions rude?  In the real world, not all interruptions are rude.  Often when people talk over one another it not only works, but works well.  When several people become excited by a topic and everyone wants to add to the conversation, and they all start interrupting each other, the conversation can become quite magical.  Enthusiastic engagement. Interrupting to correct or criticize is not the way to go.  Interrupting with additional information and affirmation can be quite smart.  Nobody likes a grandstander; a showoff who puts on airs to attract attention.  But adding pertinent information can make the discussion more interesting as it prolongs the conversation; encouragement to keep the flow of conversation afloat.

• Social anxiety, on the other hand, manifests in someone who is speaking way to much and way to fast. Like a nervous tic it can be annoying for all.  They need to slow down.
• Zoom conversational hijackers are rude.
• Add to the what the speaker has to say, do not negate the speaker.

Traditionally, starting to speak before someone has finished impinges on their right to speak.  In formal situations such as political debates, interrupting breaks the rules.  Think of Mike Pence interrupting Kamala Harris during the vice-presidential debate as a perfect example of men interrupting women more than women interrupt men.  Studies show that is so. How do you handle being interrupted?  Being called out for interrupting when your intentions are honorable, can be disheartening and even hurtful.  Showing enthusiasm by talking over someone may not be meant to silence the person (or persons) but to keep the conversation lively.  It's called cooperative overlapping.  All in good fun. How else can one show they have something to add without being rude?  By waiting your turn?  Raising your hand to speak as in a Zoom?  Not so at a social gathering. In Deborah Tannen's books, "Conversational Style" and "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation," she says cooperative overlapping, like all conversational habits, has cultural roots; there are different assumptions about overlapping.  She also calls cooperative overlapping, "participatory listenership." In believing that in real life, not all interruptions are rude, Tannen says, "Sometimes people talk over each other and it totally works." The pandemic may have made social anxiety worse for the young.  Social anxiety is especially on the rise in people in their twenties, but we can role model having, also, been through months of isolation fueling social withdrawal and entrenching reclusive habits, by jumping into conversations and, yes, interrupting. Making interrupting normal. In any gathering of a group, an interrupting and vocal man is usually perceived to be a smart leader, while a woman displaying the same manner of behavior is often seen as pushy and bossy.

• The reality is that some people are just simply oblivious to other people.
• You can say, "Please, don't interrupt me." If the rude interruptions continue, that's not cooperation,

Forget about being socially anxious.  As we return to in-person socializing, be a social butterfly and join in to enhance the conversation and keep it going.  Be bold, be brave.  You may even interrupt and say, "Excuse me for interrupting, but what about .... "

~Didi

Bonjour Didi,

First of all Bonjour!  A conversation never starts in France without saying “Bonjour” first.  A good European Manners Tip.  I have a question for you!

What do you do when an ‘almost’ friend has painted a portrait of your dog and it is the worst painting you have ever seen. To boot, I have a collection of professional painters that have painted my Violette and they are hung in my long entrance hallway. I can’t hang this one. Honestly, not to hurt her feelings what do I do? I’m attaching a photo of my favorite painting of Violette to date.

–Cynthia, Uzès, France

Bonjour Cynthia, About your doggie dilemma. What a sticky situation to be in at the start of a new friendship. Believe it or not, people find themselves in this kind of a muddle more often than you could imagine. Especially with displays of framed photos. This is what you can do. When you know your new artist friend is coming to visit, beforehand, take down one of the paintings hanging in your long hallway and put it away. Replace it with the painting of Violette that you detest. After your new friend has gone home, hide her painting of Violette until her next visit, and rehang the painting that was there originally.

• Be sure to first tell your new artist friend exactly what you like about her painting of Violette, before detailing exactly what you don't like.
• Even if that's a hard conversation to initiate.

~Didi

I have two questions about my daughter’s upcoming wedding: escorting her up the aisle and my toast. My former wife and I have come to an agreement that both parents escort the bride up the aisle at our daughter’s backyard wedding next weekend. My former wife at first insisted that just she should escort our daughter up the aisle. We reached a compromise and we’re both walking our daughter up the aisle. My questions are: On which side do we each take, and at the altar where do we, her parents, stand during the ceremony? It’s a backyard wedding. They were supposed to be married in a church followed by a large reception at the height of Covid-19.

Instead of paying for a big wedding, I helped my daughter and my future son-in-law finance a house in New Hampshire (where their wedding ceremony and reception are taking place) with the money I would have spent on their large pre-Covid wedding. My toast has been relegated to the rehearsal dinner the night before, because the groom’s father “isn’t up to it,” and my wife is giving what should be my toast at the wedding reception. I prepared a fifteen minute toast, and was told it was too long. Then I pared it down to eight minutes. Please advise.

–A Traditional Dad, Newport, RI

First off, congratulations on your daughter's upcoming wedding. It's great fun to see your child launched in whatever endeavor they choose. It's even better when you're asked to participate in a monumental and memorable event. Honor and respect should be at the heart of all wedding celebrations. Whichever side the father of the bride walks is up to the bride. Traditionally, the father of the bide walks down the right side of the aisle with his daughter on his left - facing the officiant with his daughter to his left.

• At the altar you would stand on your daughter's right side. Your daughter the bride stands to the left facing the officiant at her father's right side.

It's a topsy-turvy world. Everything is slightly ajar, slightly akilter. The global pandemic has changed the way we live now. How we celebrate now. Many old traditions have been augmented. Ask your daughter the bride these questions and abide by her wishes. Lest we not forget that in many cultures it's traditional to have both the mother and the father escort their daughter down the aisle and stand by her during the ceremony. When the bride is escorted by both parents the father is usually on her left arm and the mother on her right arm. Ask the bride where she wants you to stand. Now, about that fifteen minute toast reduced to eight minutes: The protocol exists with good reason. Some things haven't changed and the length of the toast is standard: three to five minutes. In this instance, you are stepping in for your daughter's future father-in-law in making the toast for him to the wedding couple (use their names) at the rehearsal dinner. If the groom's family is paying for the dinner, you would have the guests raise their glasses in thanks to the father and mother of the groom. The rehearsal dinner introduces the main characters to one another.

• Welcome the guests to the wedding and specifically to the rehearsal dinner; if you are not also paying for rehearsal dinner, thank the groom's family by name(s) for hosting the rehearsal dinner.
• Introduce yourself with, perhaps, a short story about when you first met the groom.
• Thank the guests for coming to the wedding couple's happy celebration.
• Make it clear that you're proud of your daughter for making such a wise choice.
• Tell your daughter you love them both.
• Toast the wedding couple to have a brilliant loving future.
• Time your toast to last three to five minutes.

MEMORY MAKERS  As parents, we are responsible for making and preserving good memories. It is important that anything you say in your toast is kind, generous, and loving. Never sarcastic nor critical. This is not the occasion for the witty father to be roasting his son-in-law. Go in peace. Have fun!  

~Didi

I have an etiquette question about giving a cash wedding gift. My nephew was married last weekend. My family of five adults–me, my husband, and three children, all in their twenties, attended. So I thought $200 per person would be the $1,000 wedding gift. Is that correct? I typically ask my sister these questions, but she’s the mother of my nephew and I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable.

Last question, our daughter who lives and works in Paris is attending a wedding in the south of France and she is a bridesmaid. Do you know what the protocol is for a wedding gift in France? Does she give cash to a wealthy couple? Sorry to pester you with these questions. Any advice would be appreciated.

–Deb, Portsmouth, RI

~Didi