Newport Manners

Good Manners for Children

What are the basic good manners for children? It’s about time we got down on our kids manners. Especially table manners. Is there some sort of ultimate guide to good manners for children? If so, please, what are they?

–puzzled parents, Washington, DC

We parents understand the importance of modeling good manners for children from a young age. Teaching good table manners is a crucial aspect of their social development and contributes to their overall growth as polite, considerate individuals. Here are some tips and strategies for cultivating excellent table manners in children. Lead by Example -- Children are keen observers, and they learn a great deal by watching the behavior of adults around them. Demonstrate good table manners that you want to instill by consistently practicing them yourself. Use polite language, chew with your mouth closed, keep your elbows off the table, allow them to ask if they can be excused, and show respect for others during meals. Start with the Basics -- At an early age, children are ready to grasp the fundamentals of table manners. Teach them how to use utensils properly, encouraging the use of both a knife and fork when appropriate. Emphasize the importance of sitting up strait and keeping elbows off the table. Napkin Etiquette -- Teach your children how to use a napkin. Show them that they place their napkin on their lap and spread it out to cover (and protect) their clothing (so their shirt or pants don't get stained) before the meal begins and to use their napkin to wipe their mouth when necessary. Reinforce the habit of not playing with or crumpling the napkin during the meal. Before leaving the table they loosely fold the napkin and place it to the left of their plate. After asking if they can be excused, they push in their chair. Encourage Conversation -- Mealtime is a golden opportunity for family bonding. Encourage your children to engage in conversation by asking open-ended conversations about their day. Teach them to listen actively and wait for their turn to speak. This not only enhances their social skills but also makes meals more fun. No Interrupting Zone -- Instill the value of patience and respect by establishing a "no interrupting" rule during meals. Teach your children to wait for an appropriate break in the conversation before sharing their thoughts. This helps foster a considerate and harmonious dining environment. Explore Different Foods -- Use mealtime as a chance to broaden your child's palate. Introduce them to a variety of foods, and teach them to express their dislikes politely. Encourage them to try new things while also being respectful if they choose not to finish a particular dish. When having a meal at a friend's house the child should not say they don't like something unless they are asked. Helpful Clean-Up Responsibility -- Good table manners includes taking responsibility for one's space. Teach your children to clear their plates and participate in cleaning up after meals. This habit reinforces a sense of accountability and teamwork. Praise and Positive Reinforcement -- Acknowledge and praise your children when they display good table manners. Positive reinforcement goes a long was in shaping good behavior. Create a positive and encouraging atmosphere around the dining table, whether you're sitting at a fast food restaurant or their grandparents' holiday table. In a Nutshell -- as you well know, in the formative years children are sponges, absorbing information and behaviors from their surroundings. By focusing on teaching and reinforcing these fundamental table manners, parents and caregivers contribute to the development of respectful, considerate, and socially adept individuals. Cultivating good table manners is not just about proper etiquette; it's an investment in the lifelong skill of effective communication and respectful interaction. Check in with us again as we delve deeper into Good Manners for Children.

~Didi

Children’s Table Manners

We would like help with how to improve our children’s table manners. My husband’s parents live in the south and we are spending the holidays with his southern relatives. We’re New Yorkers and our children’s table manners aren’t as good as they could be. We’re two working parents who have slacked off on enforcing good manners. Would you kindly give us some tips as to what is absolutely essential to know about children’s table manners. By the way, the kids are adorable and bright! Hope we’re not too late to try! Thank you in advance.

–Working Parents, Brooklyn, New York

It's never too late, the earlier kids get the hang of good children's table manners the better. Good manners are a life enhancing skill. It's important to make children's table manners fun with occasional prizes for best table manners and, now and then, dinner out at a restaurant to practice manners in public. As you know, adults are the role models for your children's table manners, and behavior in general. If parents lick their fingers or keep their elbows on the table, their children will think it's OK to do the same. As I don't know the ages of your children, this is a rather general introduction to children's table manners. It's important to remember that good manners vary according to many different factors, such as religion and ethnic background and rules. At the end of the day, manners are all about consideration of others. Manners are about showing kindness and respect. Here are some areas that you may wish to work on centered on family dinner; eating family holiday meals. Tips to improve your children's table manners. You'll want to prep your children ahead of time:

Help the child find the chair they may be assigned to sit in at the table, after making sure they've gone to the bathroom and washed their hands. They would not sit down until the host asks everyone to be seated.
Whether an adult or child, if you are unsure of what to do and when to do it, follow the lead of the host(s).
Once seated, lay the napkin on your lap and unfold it so that it catches any food or drink that might drop or drip onto their lap and soil their clothing. The napkin is also useful for wiping hands so that the child doesn't wipe their hands on their clothing, or wipe them on the edge of the tablecloth.
Good posture, sitting up straight is also helpful in keeping food from falling on clothing or in the lap.
Start eating when the host starts eating, or when the host announces that everyone should eat.
Whether drinking soup from a soup spoon or eating turkey off your plate, raise the utensil up to your mouth, and never bend down over your plate, the way a dog eats out of a dog bowl.
It is entirely OK to pick up a turkey leg and eat with your hands. Much the way you would eat an ear of corn.
Knives, forks and spoons are not waved in the air like flags at a parade. Keep the utensils on the plate when you aren't actually eating. Once a utensil has been used, it never goes back onto the tablecloth. Rest them on the plate.
To cut up a piece of meat into bite size pieces, stab the meat with the fork in your left hand tines down to stabilize the meat from sliding off the plate. The right hand with the knife cuts the meat into bite size pieces. Then put the knife down on the plate, return the fork to the right hand and with the fork tines pointing up, raise the fork to the mouth.
Asked for salt or pepper, pick them up and pass them both together, but set them down together, as a pair, for the next person to pick up and pass. It's a silly superstition to never leave one or the other behind.
When the bread basket is passed your way, offer the basket to the person on your right to take a roll before taking one yourself.
Never butter bread/roll in mid air. Rest the bread/roll flat on the plate and spread the butter while the bread/roll is resting flat on the plate.
When finished eating, place the knife and fork side by side at a slant that looks like four o'clock, approximately. That way it is easier for the server to clear the plate without dropping the flatware.
If asked to clear the plates, don't stack them because the bottoms get yucky.
After dessert, try to wait patiently while everyone catches up with you (a good reason to eat slowly), or ask if you "May I please be excused." Getting through a plate of food is not a great race, because you just end up having to wait for everyone else to finish.
Leave the napkin loosely folded on the table and push in your chair as you leave the table.
Remember to thank your host when it's time to part ways.

The above tips are a good start toward improving your children's table manners. Here are a couple of tricky situations that you can continue to work on when the subject comes up.

When a fork falls on the floor, don't pick it up at that time, but do ask for another fork.
When the water glass tumbles over because the person next to you has hit it waving their arm, simply, loosely fold your napkin and place it over the spill. After the water has somewhat absorbed, the napkin can go back on your lap or stay on the table.
When there is a piece of gristle (a chewy, inedible part of the meat) or something else you don't want to eat, discreetly, put your napkin to your mouth to catch it and place the gristle on the rim of the dinner plate.
When there is a food you don't like, take a tiny bite and then spread the rest of it around the plate. Never complain about the food.
Keep your shoes on.
Excuse yourself to go to the restroom by simply saying, "I'll be right back." Leave your napkin on the table and push in your chair.
Never rest your head or hands on the table or wave hands or arms in the air as you talk. Simply place your hands in your lap when not drinking or eating.
Never pick your nose or your teeth, especially at the dinner table. Ask to be excused when you have to blow your nose. That goes along with don't lick your fingers. Use the napkin.

As situations pop up, find the considerate behavior. You, the parents, can do this as role models.

~Didi

NEWPORT COCKTAIL ATTIRE: WEDDING @6:00pm Waterfront

I am attending a Newport Wedding at 6:00 PM on the waterfront. The invitation says Summer Cocktail Attire. Can you define a women’s selection? Assume not a sundress or formal either. Printed dress okay? Ceremony, cocktail, dinner and DJ.

–Jackie, Vermont

Thanks for your dress code question about what to wear when the invitation suggests SUMMER COCKTAIL ATTIRE. What could be more fun than a Newport summer wedding on the waterfront at six o'clock. The sun will be setting over the harbor, there will be cocktails, dinner and dancing to a DJ. Summer Cocktail Attire is pretty easy going. It's more about the quality of the clothing than the dressiness of the outfit. Casual can mean sleeves, length and pockets! Nothing glitzy or with too many sequins. You probably don't want to wear a prairie dress, it should be chicer, but casual. Be careful with the shoes as you may be dancing dockside, so no pointy heals to get caught between the cracks between the planks on the dock. Here are examples of dresses that are fun from daylight into the early morning that you can accessorize with jewelry and a sweet evening bag.

We're here to help. We always appreciate feedback! Please, let us know, if this post has been helpful. You mentioned further on in your email that you had a print dress already picked out, so why not send us a photo in an email and we'll get back to you with our thoughts. In the meantime, you can see more of Camilla Bradley's Newport Collection at ckbradley.com Have a great time in Newport!

~Didi

HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE

There have been so many Holiday Etiquette 2022 concerns–all timely and important: a present that you know is a regift; a gift that costs way too much and how to reciprocate; a gift that is the same as their gift to you last year; what to do if someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them anything? And other uncomfortable situations: What about the guest who clearly has had too much to drink? What about the would-be guest who didn’t receive an invite his friend’s holiday party? To mask or unmask or stay home?

–Didi Lorillard, Newport, RI

Let's start with holiday gifts and party on:

What if you know that a certain gift is a regift and you say to yourself, "Why do you think I would want this? People want to be understood, if you don't know what to get someone, go to their Pinterest or Instagram account to find out what interests them: dogs, sailboats, golf, food, books, and start from there. You want the person to know that You get them. Never acknowledge it was a regift. Who Cares? It's OK, you can give it to someone else whom you know will like it: Reduce, reuse, recycle.
Remember: A gift is a gesture. It says Happy Holidays, if you don't want it, pass it along. Respond with gratitude.
What do you do when the gift costs way too much, how to respond: Say, "Thank you!" Don't ever make a big deal out of the fact that it must have cost them a bundle. Gift giving is a ritual. Allow the gift giver that pleasure. It is not about the cost or where they got the gift. Don't feel you have to reciprocate at the same spending level, because they don't expect you to.
What to do when the gift is the same as last year, for instance I was given the same purple sweater two years in a row by the same person? It's OK. You don't need to call their attention to the faux pas, to their mistake. Thank them with as much authenticity as you did last year. It's all good. It's not abut the gift. It's about the ritual. If there is a gift receipt, exchange the sweater for a different color or get something you'd rather have instead.
What to do when someone gives you a gift and you're caught off guard because you didn't get them anything? What do you say? "Thank you so much," and add at least one reason why you like the gift, and move on. How do you reciprocate? Say, "What I want to give you is an experience. I'd like to take you to lunch (for coffee) or buy you a drink after work, just choose the day."

Uncomfortable Situations

Everyone takes a different stance on holidays:

Some people don't send cards.
FOMO: Some people feel left out if they didn't get invited to a Holiday Party they assumed they'd be invited to; it may have been a simple oversight.

The ongoing debate is not what to wear, but when to gather and when not to gather.

Show up at family gathering but consider the weakest in the bunch, the babies, toddlers and the elderly, whose immune systems may be down. If you think you're coming down with something, don't go.
It's one thing for the 30s-and-40s-something age groups to gather unmasked, but when it's a gathering of the clan and there will be all ages in attendance mask-up or stay home.
We don't know at this point just how bad this Tripledemic will get. This season respiratory sickness from Flu and RSV are breaking records, and Covid is climbing.
Covid Fatigue lingers on: The experts say the winter season ahead is uncertain. As there's a lot of winter and holiday gatherings ahead, be smart about when to mask-up and when to stay home.

As for FOMO, the fear of missing out, be grateful for the things you have and savor them.

Savor the Holiday Season despite the fact that the economy is wacky.
Recycle, Reuse, Regift
Kindness always wins
Give people your time, give an experience instead of a material gift.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

PEACE, LOVE & JOY

~Didi

Newport Yacht Wedding Mother of the Bride — Dressy Casual Ensemble

My question is about finding a mother of the bride dress for a summer wedding shipboard.

My daughter’s being married on a yacht in Newport in August. Needless to say, I won’t be wearing a long dress and high heels onboard. Would you please give me some suggestions. The options in the bridal department stores didn’t seem to fit the bill, so to speak. I need a more sophisticated yet casual look. Like what I’d wear on a yacht in the Mediterranean. Dressy Casual. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

–Loretta, New York City

Thank you for your question about mother of the bride summer dresses. Congratulations and what fun to have a Newport yacht wedding in August. Here are a few of our favorite dressy casual ensembles:

These four photos are curtesy of Maria Pucci at Gramercy Atelier.

~Didi

MOTHER OF THE GROOM DRESS

HELP! As I am a working mother, I have no time to shop for a mother of the groom dress and my son is getting married next month. Everyone keeps asking me what I’m wearing and I’m embarrassed that I don’t know. My son said the color is purple and that the mother of the bride will be wearing a lavender cocktail dress meaning knee length. Can you recommend a dress that would end just below my knees that is not sleeveless or backless, please?

–Elizabeth, Boston, MA

Dear Elizabeth, the sooner you find your mother of the groom dress the better you'll feel. Not that you're not already under a lot of pressure, but let's get going. We're here to help. Let's get started. As you know, everyone may have to have such a special occasion outfit altered a bit...here or there. Either the shoulders, sleeves, hem length, or waist. Wedding photos last forever and for your dress to be misfitting would be regretful. Better department stores and small specialty dress boutiques are best for finding an establishment that will alter your dress once you've purchased it. Be advised that it is not uncommon to need two fittings for one dress. So be sure to try it on when you go to pick it up after any alteration.

My best advice is to go onto the website of a store in your area and click on dresses, after that you can click on color, hem length and sleeve length, and, of course, click on a price range. When you find a couple of choices that suit you either order a couple (if they are returnable) or visit the store in person and seek out a friendly salesperson.
Your outfit should look as good from the front for the wedding photos as it does from the rear when you're walking back down the aisle after the ceremony.

For a church or outdoor ceremony or reception (as many weddings are being held outdoors due to the continual surges in the Covid pandemic), a dress that falls just below your knees, such as a cocktail-style dress with a bit of sleeve would work nicely. You say the mother of the bride is wearing a lavender cocktail length dress, and I gather you're taking her lead, so any shade of purple would be beautiful. Go online ahead of time and spend some time looking at dresses in both the bridal department and the dresses/cocktail department in your size before heading out to the store and you'll wast less time.

Have fun! It's your special day, too!

~Didi

BRIDAL VEIL

Hi Didi,
My niece is getting married at the end of May in Los Angeles at a beautiful old Hollywood style boutique hotel. She is wondering if she should wear a single or two layer veil? Is there a significance to either? She is a beautiful, romantic and stylish woman.

–Lynda, Boston, MA

Dear Lynda,

Apologies for the delay in answering your interesting question, but - as you can imagine - we are inundated with questions this spring.

The single layer veil (made from one layer of tulle) is the most popular choice. You mention that your niece is a romantic. In that case, the mystery of the two layer veil is a gesture of romance, because in olden days her father lifted the veil that covered the bride's face as if to say: Here, she is you lucky man!

The two-layer veil, the longer back tier and the top tier called the blusher, are a bit old-fashion, but also quite fashionable. And of course, you know, the blusher (the shorter veil) is the top layer covering the face during the ceremony. So when there are two veils: the longer stabilizes the shorter veil that acts as the mysterious blusher.

The length of the veil varies from location to location, from culture to culture, and there are about four to six different lengths:

The most popular veil drops to the waist: the waist length is 54 inches long.
The second most popular is the fingertip length that's 72 inches to mid-calf.
The chapel length is 126 inches long.
The Cathedral length is 144 inches long.

When choosing the length of the veil there are three points to consider: Your niece's veil length should be in proportion to the length of her dress and the veil should not be so busily decorated that it overpowers the lovely design of the dress.

If your niece's dress has lots of intricate details and is highly decorated, it would be chicer if she wore a simple veil with a clean raw edge.
On the other hand, if her dress is simple as in a sleek sheath, the veil can be ornate with detailed embellishments or floral accents.

Mistake not to make: If the length of the veil falls where a focal point begins, for instance, at the waist, it will look as though the bride is being cut in half. So the veil should fall below any horizontal lines.

Most importantly, the style of the veil depends upon the silhouette of your niece's dress:

For instance, with a sheath: the veil is slightly longer than the hem of the train of the chapel length or floor length dress.

If you would, please, kindly let me know the style of your niece's dress--sheath, mermaid/trumpet, a-line, or full skirt--it would help me to give you a more detailed answer. A more personalized answer.

~Didi

COVID PROTOCOL WEDDINGS

Didi, our question is how do we deal with COVID during our upcoming wedding weekend? We’re in the midst of planning our wedding and I’m a May bride, after a year long postponement because of Covid. We thought Covid was on the wane, but apparently it’s not.

Last night we were at a dinner party with ten other people and today we were told that one of the guests tested positive for Covid. Not only do we feel badly for this person, but now we’re worrying: What if one (or many) of our wedding guests test positive after our May wedding?

This Covid isn’t really going away! It’s too late to postpone our wedding again and, of course, there are all the deposits, etc. Please HELP us figure out how to handle this Covid menace.

Our families are all vaxxed and boosted, but we don’t know about our hundred, or so, wedding guests?

–May Bride & Groom, New England

Dear May bride and groom, thank you for your question about COVID wedding protocol.

Understandably, you are awfully concerned and we, of course, are hoping you both test negative now after the dinner party. Sadly, this is a major problem for many. You are not alone in your concern.

This is what I want you to do:

Two weeks before your wedding send out an email blast to all the guests on your wedding website who accepted your invitation to your wedding with this request under the subject COVID. "On your phone, please, send a photo of your CDC vaccine card to this number: _____ by such and such date" (before the first date of an event celebrating the wedding couple).
Then make it clear that on the day of the first wedding event they are attending (perhaps the welcoming party/rehearsal dinner), all guests have to report to the below address to be tested for COVID before joining the wedding festivities. At that time they will also be asked to show their actual CDC card.
Those who test negative will go forward on the guest lists for all the wedding activities. It's awful to have to do this, but in order to protect all of your guests testing negative, obviously, those who test positive won't be admitted. (In other words, they won't find a place card with their name on it.)

I know this sounds harsh, but it's a crazy world out there and there are those who think they'll never get COVID but, truth to tell: COVID is everywhere. You don't want your wedding to be known as the COVID wedding they went to in 2022 -- where even people vaxxed and boosted got COVID.

As you know, COVID variants keep evolving. The best you can do to ease your worries is to follow the simple safety protection procedures above. It will all be fine, when you both know that you've protected your family and guests to the best of your ability during this brutal pandemic. The rest is up to them -- your guests.

How do you politely handle the many various attitudes about COVID? You can't assume all your guests will comply. We've all learned a lot over the past two years about masking, testing, tracing and self-isolating, but not even one of the most protected people in the world, the Queen of England, is immune from COVID. As with all good manners, you want to minimize asking too much of your guests. By having clearly stated your concerns, your guests will know your concerns and will honor them.

I've not included mask wearing here because I think mask wearing should be up to the individual guest. By asking for a texted photo of the guest's CDC card and testing each and every guest under your wedding planner's guidance, you've set protocol for a wedding in the time of COVID.

Most of all, May Bride and Groom, you've got this! Our recommendations sounds brutal, but COVID is brutal. At least, you won't have photos of masked family and guests -- which would be your only other alternative, and which we would not recommend at this point in time.

~Didi

WEDDING SHOWER ETIQUETTE

Didi, what is the etiquette these days for inviting friends to a wedding shower but not inviting them to the actual wedding? Due to Covid our daughter’s wedding had been postponed. We are trying to keep everyone safe by keeping the numbers down and the wedding will be outside under an open sided tent for ventilation. Before the wedding weekend we are planning a wedding shower in our former home town to invite friends to meet the wedding couple, but we’re concerned about the wedding etiquette that says a guest invited, for instance, to the engagement party is always invited to the wedding. Is that still the proper etiquette?

Does that etiquette apply to a wedding shower?

Would it be alright to have a wedding shower that includes some guests that are not invited to the wedding?

There was an engagement party last month in the city where the wedding couple live and work for those who probably wouldn’t be making the trip to the wedding this spring. We’re trying not to leave anyone out and we want our many friends and family to know the wedding couple.

–NPW, Portsmouth, RI

Thank you for your timely question about wedding shower etiquette. The current etiquette for a wedding shower has been updated since the pandemic. Now that restrictions on the number of people allowed at a social gathering are loosening up, weddings that had been postponed are happening! The actual wedding--for the most part--is smaller and wedding couples and their families are hosting social occasions to include friends that are not being invited to the wedding. Most of the guests you are inviting to the wedding shower will understand that times are changing and that they should not expect a wedding invitation. The one part that is tricky is that if a wedding shower guest goes to the wedding website to find the wedding couple's registry to send them a present, they may feel left out of the actual wedding when they see info about the other events around the wedding: the welcoming cocktail event, rehearsal dinner, bridal lunch, ceremony, reception and post-wedding brunch. Perhaps for that very reason, you would not put the wedding website address on the wedding shower invitation, even though they could probably find the website on their own. Are we to assume that this wedding shower will be the only shower? That there won't be a bridal shower hosted by the bridesmaids? In many areas of the country the wedding shower is called the "Jack & Jill." Thank you for the timely question. We're here to help. Have fun organizing your daughter's wedding and remember that wedding etiquette is always evolving.

~Didi

FAMILY CREST — INVITATION — WEDDING ETIQUETTE

On a wedding invitation, whose family crest should be displayed? The bride’s or the groom’s? The bride’s family is paying for most of the wedding – if that matters here.

–EG, New York

Thank you for your recent wedding question to NewportMannners.com.

The primary important objective is to keep to one particular style and stick to it -- making all decisions easier throughout the wedding planning. Otherwise you can find yourself all over the place and people (family and guests) like to know, feel and see the level of formality so that they can understand the decisions being made. Whether the style of the wedding is really informal (no ties and jackets), informal (jacket required), semi-formal (tie and jacket required), formal (black tie) or white tie.

You say that both families have a family crest. Since you are opting to use a family crest, then you're headed for a more formal, traditional wedding. Which does not necessarily mean a more expensive wedding. Or that you can only use the bride's family crest, because you can also use a combined monogram (see below).

When the bride's family is guiding the wedding, then the bride's crest would be used. If the groom's family is paying for most of the wedding, then many wedding couples in such a position opt for a combined monogram of their initials. It would be in bad taste to only use the groom's crest. That's my opinion. Here is an example of a combined wedding monogram on a recent wedding invitation where the bride's last name first initial is S and the groom's last name first initial is P; you can even see the thickness of the paper which would be necessary when using gold:

The couple used this monogram on absolutely everything. Here it it in gold on the wedding invitation, but they've used it also on other occasions and for other purposes not in gold but in a solid color. I show it to you here because it is a trend right now that seems to solve the problem nicely.

My first choice would be to use the bride's family crest. Second choice would be a combined monogram of the couple's last names (see above).

I like to give more than one option for these complicated situations. I would be most interested to learn what you end up using, so please let me know. As well as letting me know of any further questions. We're here to help.

~Didi

HOLIDAY PARTY MASK WEARING ETIQUETTE — EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE DURING OMICRON

Our question is about holiday party invitations, entertaining and mask-wearing.

Today is the day we had planned to send out our holiday party invitations and order a Vermont party ham, but we have no idea what to do because the new Omicron variant of Covid is spreading like wild fires in the USA, and we need to know how to party in this time of the Omicron variant? The usual suspects had been advised that we were hoping to continue our ritual holiday party – having suspended it the year before. Sadly, the biggest problem is that some potential guests are not fully vaccinated, many of whom travel around a lot. We invite mostly people from the neighborhood and close friends, but some commute into the city.

Dr. Fauci and the WHO say to only have small gatherings, mandatory mask wearing for those not vaccinating and good ventilation, and distancing. Well good ventilation isn’t possible with a fire burning in the fireplace, the thermostat up to 69 degrees, and the social awkwardness of asking people to wear a mask. We’re all sick of wearing masks. We can’t ask people to show us their CDC vaccine status and their most recent Covid test result! Do we wing it and have faith that anyone sick or who has been exposed decides not to attend our holiday party? Or do we simply call the whole thing off for another December? Everybody wants to party, especially the kids.

Do we go back to serious mask-wearing once again and trying to decipher muffled semi-audible voices? Don’t get me wrong our family is all into the everyday etiquette of mask-wearing. Once again, especially the children who are growing up knowing that the mask protects them. We don’t want to be responsible for spreading Covid with our good cheer.

–Linda, Greenwich, CT

Yes, Linda, unfortunately it is back to mask-wearing. The good news is that government imposed restraints actually relieve a lot of anxiety. There will always be those stubborn know-it-alls that need to take a stand. In an odd way, if you're a mask-wearer, it may annoy you that those non-compliant friends feel justified, but cut them slack, have empathy toward the non-mask-wearer.

The most important thing to remember is that we wouldn't have all the new variants Delta and Omicron if everyone in our community - and around the world - had gotten their vaccines and booster. After all, masks are not only protecting you from catching the virus they're depriving the virus of the opportunity to develop into a more harmful illness!

Panicking can only be counterproductive. Instead, take the new Omicron variant seriously. Vaccinating, masking, distancing, ventilating, hand washing, testing and distancing are key, so if you can't offer all that protection--all those safety measures--for your holiday guests, don't put out a party ham. Think of your party dips as Petri dishes ready to host a virus.

The sooner we accept that mask-wearing

is a fact of life, the sooner it becomes habit.

When you grab your car key and cellphone,

remember to take your mask and hand

sanitizer when you leave home.

~Didi

RESTAURANT DINING ETIQUETTE

My question is about restaurant dining etiquette. At a restaurant, is it considered rude to keep talking in front of the waiter when he brings the food or is it rude to interrupt the conversation?

–Fanny, France

Dear Fanny, Thank you for your most interesting question about restaurant dining etiquette. The people dining at the table have placed their orders and the waiter presumably knows who ordered what. In that case, don't interrupt an interesting conversation, after thanking your server when your plate has been laid down in front of you. If after laying down all the plates your server is still standing by the table, your server probably wants to know if there is anything else that needs to be brought to the table? A condiment, steak knife, another bottle of wine, more bread? In other words, you don't have to end a good conversation while politely interjecting a request or asking about an ingredient in your order such as an herb or other savory. It's important to always acknowledge those serving you to show that you appreciate their time and it is also important that you don't ignore a waiter who is trying to be helpful. On the other hand, it's just as polite to disturb the discussion as little as possible. As the host you might collectively ask your guests, "Does anyone need anything?" Opening up the conversation for the server to bring more wine or bread, for instance. Remember that the protocol in France (and in many countries) is that you would never call the server over to your table. You would never directly address the waiter saying,"Garçon," as you waved the waiter over.

Garçon is the french word for boy and these days one would never ever address a server using boy. A waiter is usually an adult.

It is the server's job to be alert; to sense and solve the concerns of your table. Make eye contact and with a slight nod to your server, they will come to your side so that you can ask for the check or another bottle of wine discreetly--without disrupting the conversation in full swing.

Thank you for your interesting question.

Happy to chat further.

~Didi

VEGAN WEDDING RECEPTION MENU — SEATED DINNER

Didi, we are vegan and we are in the midst of planning our vegan wedding reception dinner menu. Understandably, not all of the guests are vegan–especially those guests of our parents’ generation. We’re not redneck hippies about food, but we want to adhere to our principles about food. Do you have any recommendations for us? We’re looking for a festive menu for a seated wedding reception dinner that will appeal to 150 guests. Or least be palatable to most. Do you have any suggests?

–C & W, Boston, MA

Here is an autumn & winter dinner menu that works well for a seated wedding reception dinner. Having the name of the guest at the top of the menu allows the menu to double as a place card.

(Guest's name in a large handsome font.)

FIRST COURSE

macomber turnip and apple soup

roasted heirloom baby carrots, hazelnut pistou

SECOND COURSE

grilled marinated cauliflower steak

shoestring onions, vegan demi-glace

sweet corn polenta cake

baby kale, caramelized onion, piquillo pepper

roasted sunchokes

shallots, lemon, herbs

orecchiette with vegetarian meatballs

caramelized onion, arugula

local green salad with herbs

shallot-champagne vinaigrette

romanesco cauliflower, endive, fennel and turnip

saffron poppy seed dressing

DESSERT

wedding cake

sweets and dancing, dancing, dancing

Date of reception

CHARLOTTE & WILLIAM

C & W, please, do let us know--if you do use any of this above menu--how it worked out so that we can be helpful to other vegan hosts. Have fan at your fantastic wedding!

Vegan wedding care and sweets.

Photo credit: VG Patisserie, Paris, France

~Didi

ARE INTERRUPTIONS RUDE? — Real Life Conversations

Are interruptions rude? In a real life conversation can’t an interruption sometimes enliven the discussion? At a recent dinner party of eight friends around the table the conversation at one point got rowdy in a jolly way, with everyone putting in their two cents on a particular topic. It was all in good fun and didn’t get out of hand. No one was mean or critical.

Isn’t it far better–and more fun–to have real life lively conversation rather than too many dreary dead silences?

On a professional level, when our company team is problem solving on a Zoom and colleagues start interrupting, we often find that the conversation becomes more constructive and productive. Really, are all interruptions rude?

–Diana, Newport, RI

Is there an art to interrupting one another during an intense conversation? Are interruptions rude? In the real world, not all interruptions are rude. Often when people talk over one another it not only works, but works well. When several people become excited by a topic and everyone wants to add to the conversation, and they all start interrupting each other, the conversation can become quite magical. Enthusiastic engagement. Interrupting to correct or criticize is not the way to go. Interrupting with additional information and affirmation can be quite smart. Nobody likes a grandstander; a showoff who puts on airs to attract attention. But adding pertinent information can make the discussion more interesting as it prolongs the conversation; encouragement to keep the flow of conversation afloat.

Social anxiety, on the other hand, manifests in someone who is speaking way to much and way to fast. Like a nervous tic it can be annoying for all. They need to slow down.
Zoom conversational hijackers are rude.
Add to the what the speaker has to say, do not negate the speaker.

Traditionally, starting to speak before someone has finished impinges on their right to speak. In formal situations such as political debates, interrupting breaks the rules. Think of Mike Pence interrupting Kamala Harris during the vice-presidential debate as a perfect example of men interrupting women more than women interrupt men. Studies show that is so. How do you handle being interrupted? Being called out for interrupting when your intentions are honorable, can be disheartening and even hurtful. Showing enthusiasm by talking over someone may not be meant to silence the person (or persons) but to keep the conversation lively. It's called cooperative overlapping. All in good fun. How else can one show they have something to add without being rude? By waiting your turn? Raising your hand to speak as in a Zoom? Not so at a social gathering. In Deborah Tannen's books, "Conversational Style" and "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation," she says cooperative overlapping, like all conversational habits, has cultural roots; there are different assumptions about overlapping. She also calls cooperative overlapping, "participatory listenership." In believing that in real life, not all interruptions are rude, Tannen says, "Sometimes people talk over each other and it totally works." The pandemic may have made social anxiety worse for the young. Social anxiety is especially on the rise in people in their twenties, but we can role model having, also, been through months of isolation fueling social withdrawal and entrenching reclusive habits, by jumping into conversations and, yes, interrupting. Making interrupting normal. In any gathering of a group, an interrupting and vocal man is usually perceived to be a smart leader, while a woman displaying the same manner of behavior is often seen as pushy and bossy.

The reality is that some people are just simply oblivious to other people.
You can say, "Please, don't interrupt me." If the rude interruptions continue, that's not cooperation,

Forget about being socially anxious. As we return to in-person socializing, be a social butterfly and join in to enhance the conversation and keep it going. Be bold, be brave. You may even interrupt and say, "Excuse me for interrupting, but what about .... "