Newport Manners

Sending A Wedding Announcement — After The Fact

Our question is about how to word our wedding announcement after the fact.

We were recently married in a very small private ceremony in our friends’ garden a few weeks ago. We would like to send out an announcement to friends and family, many of whom live abroad and are my husband’s relatives. We’re certainly not asking for gifts because we’ve been together for over seven years and have everything we really need, so we won’t be mentioning a bridal registry.

My first marriage ended in divorce, but I’ve gone by my first husband’s last name professionally for twelve years.

How does one word the announcement?

–newlyweds, Newport, RI

Congratulations to the newlyweds! Thank you for coming to Newport Manners & Etiquette.

Include the basic information that you wish to have known centered on an elegant announcement card:

Bride's name

and

Groom's name

joyfully announce their marriage

which occurred on

date

location

Timeframe: There are those who mail out their wedding announcement the day after the ceremony and some who send them after a year of marriage. Let's say, you have no more than a year to mail your announcement to friends and relatives. Example:

Elizabeth Bennett Winthrop

and

William Norman Livingston

are pleased to announce

their marriage

Saturday the first of September

two thousand eighteen

Newport

What you'll need to consider when planning and designing your wedding announcement:

Will the bride be using her maiden name and/or her professional name plus her new husband's last name? Consider how she is best known.
If the bride is not changing her last name to her husband's last name, or hyphenating it to his, does she include her middle name and/or maiden name, with her professional last name? Her choice.
In printing out the names, are both middle names spelled out? Or are both middle names represented simply by an initial with a period after it? Both middle names should be represented in the same fashion: spelled out or represented with the first initial followed by a period. Elizabeth B. Livingston and William N. Livingston or Elizabeth Bennett Livingston and William Norman Livingston. Follow style.
Since some of the wedding announcements are being sent overseas, do you need to make the location Newport, Rhode Island, United States? If they know you live in Newport, Rhode Island, United States, then just the city, Newport, is perfect. Especially when Newport, Rhode Island, United States, already appears on the envelope's return address

When designing your announcement you will need to choose the size (dimensions) and the weight of the paper, the color of the card and envelope (for instance white or ecru), the type face font and ink color, as well as the printing method.

The big decision of whether to use thermography or engraving may be decided by your budget.
Embossing is no longer an option since the US Post Office now has a band on blind embossing and will not return an envelope that is mistakenly addressed when the return address is embossed.
Should the envelopes be lined? Not necessarily.
Do you need a loose sheet of tissue over the card? Perhaps, if the card is engraved. Follow formality.
Would you like to focus attention on the the weight of the card and its information by having rounded edges with colorful beveling that create a subtle frame for your announcement? It is a lovely option.
Are you planning on using an eye-catching motif in the heading, such as a family crest or a monogram that combines your first and last name initials. Or perhaps a delightful decoration?

The quality of the paper of your wedding announcement card should be on par with a beautiful wedding invitation. Ideally the paper would be on fairly heavy stock that is a hundred percent cotton -- to create a rich texture for the typesetting and engraving or thermography.

A brilliant type color and/or boarder/beveling add a memorable touch.
A motif of a crest or monogram as a heading are also attractive focus point.
Or are just your names enough?

Monogram Guide for couples using the same last name and for a couple who use their own names:

Lastly,

When addressing envelopes with an engraved return address, it is lovely to have them exquisitely penned by a professional calligrapher, otherwise, computer calligraphy can look spectacular on those that were thermographed.

When addressing the envelopes yourself by hand, use a really good felt tipped pen or fountain pen instead of a ballpoint.

Photograph courtesy of Dempsey & Carroll.

~Didi

Hostess Gift — To Bring or Not To Bring A Gift

My question is about the hostess gift.

I’m joining my girlfriend at her family’s summer home in Maine this week. This is my first visit up there and I wondered whether I should bring a hostess gift for her Mom.

I’m the only non-family member attending. The roster of attendees includes her Mom, her sister and brother-in-law and their kids, and her brother and sister-in-law and their son.

I’ve known the family for decades, but haven’t ever joined them on a family trip (and certainly not in this capacity, my girlfriend and I haven’t been seeing one another for that long).

Should I bring a hostess gift? I’d be grateful to hear your thoughts.

–Brandon

Hi Brandon,

The best hostess gift would be either a beautiful box of fresh chocolates -- handmade and packaged tastefully -- that you present upon your arrival, or send flowers. Casa Blanca white lilies are a summer celebrity in many houses. A bottle of fine wine always goes down well, but would be difficult to pack, especially if you'll be taking a plane.

House Guest Don'ts

You would not send or bring a hostess gift that would be a lingering reminder of your visit, because that would seem presumptuous so early in your relationship. For instance you wouldn't bring a nicknack, a mug, vase or coasters that they would be stuck with forever as a permanent reminder that you accidentally spilled red wine on the carpet or mistakenly knocked over a favorite vase.

Whether you're sure -- or not -- about your intentions of establishing a committed relationship, do send a thank- you note on your correspondence card or a thank-you card.

When choosing a hostess gift, take into consideration the length of your visit. If you'll be with the family for more than a night or two,plan on making yourself useful by being not only a self-sustaining guest, but a considerate one.

To help your hostess with the meal planning be sure to let her know exactly when you're departing.
If you've made plans to have a meal outside the house at any point during your stay, make your plans known to her so she's not expecting you and your girlfriend for that meal.
Learn the time-frame for meals so that you're present to sit down on time.

More Dos for Fitting In As A Guest

Before making a trip into town ask your hostess if there is anything you can pick up at the store for them: milk, butter, eggs, bread, dog food, paper towels.
Offer to help with meal preparations and jump in and help with the clearing and cleaning up. My guess is that you're not there to be waited on, but to see how you fit in.
It goes without saying that you would leave your phone in your room while dining with the family.
Offer to take out the garbage, clean the grill, walk the dog.
In this situation where there are children, play ball with them. Take them for a hike, bike ride, or a swim. Join in with impromptu board and card games.
The last morning of your stay ask your girlriend if you should strip your bed and take your sheets and towels to the laundry basket. Empty your wastebasket, take any glasses or bottles to the kitchen. In other words tidy up your room.
If you've been a guest for a period of time, during your visit seek out a local florist to have flowers sent to the house after your departure.
Lastly, no matter how long your visit, simply asking, "What can I do to help?" is a terrifically considerate gift, whether you've brought a material present with you or not.

The best gifts of all is to be a self-sustaining and helpful guest. Within the first two weeks after your stay, send a thank-you note or card reminding your hosts of the most memorable moment(s) of your visit,

~Didi

Wedding Guest Dos + Don’ts — Red Dress Code

My best friend says that I cannot wear my new knockout red dress to an upcoming wedding because it is not appropriate wedding guest dress code attire to wear a bright red dress. Red is my color and the style is my lucky style!

Why does she think I shouldn’t wear a red dress to our mutual friend’s wedding? It’s a beautiful bright and happy dress!

–Lucy, Newport, RI

Hi Lucy,

Red is a truly gorgeous color and since you can wear red -- and not all of us can -- it seems like a natural to you, but put the red dress aside for another special occasion. Red is the foremost attention-grabbing color.

*In many circles, it is considered poor etiquette to wear a red dress to a wedding , because it is an act of rudeness to the bride -- and might even bring you bad luck.

There are not as many dos and don'ts to wedding dress code etiquette as you might expect, but wearing a red dress is at the top of the list.

All eyes should be on the bride -- who, by the way, is the only person wearing an all-white dress at her wedding.

A red dress at any wedding is a distraction. By wearing a red dress you would be saying to those assembled, "Look at me!"

There are many beautiful less obvious reddish hues that you could wear that won't make you stick out as blatantly as bright red. Go with any shade of light or dark coral or pink, such as: blush, cherry, ruby, currant.

Going into fall and winter the colors, burgundy, wine, cranberry, blush, ruby and berry would all be more subtle shades of red. Stay away from bright red, rose, scarlet, candy red, and crimson.

In the photo below, your eyes immediately go to the women wearing red dresses first -- before they gaze at the bride.

All eyes should be on the bride on her wedding day.
It would be incredibly rude to try to upstage the bride on her special day.

~Didi

Wedding Guest Dress Code — Do I Have to Wear A Dress to My Stepson’s Wedding?

My question is about wedding guest dress code. My stepson is getting married this October, an outdoor wedding at 4:00 pm. His biological mother will also be at the wedding. What is the appropriate attire for me? I’m 70, petite and haven’t worn a dress in years.

I would consider wearing a dress, just haven’t a clue what to look for.

–Ann, Savannah, GA

Dear Ann,

How formal is your stepson's wedding? That's the first thing you'll need to find out. A four o'clock wedding starting time does not necessarily have a Black Tie wedding dress code. If the dress code is Black Tie, the women will be wearing either an evening dress, a dressy cocktail dress, or a dinner suit, all of which go with the men's tuxedo dress code.

Can you chat up the future bride, her mother, the future groom's mother, or even a mutual family friend? Start by asking them what they will be wearing. Say that you don't want to show up in the same dress but you do want to wear a outfit similar in length (knee length, mid-calf of ankle length), style (strapless, sheath with a matching coat, of an evening suit) and color, but not exactly the same color.

I'm going to stick my head out on a limb and say that since you're not into wearing dresses, you may find that a special occasion jacket with a skirt or dressy slacks is more your style.

I also think that an outdoor wedding may call for a lovely jacket.

See below the beige jacket that we like for you from the Gramercy Atelier that would be comfy and chic to wear to an October Savannah wedding beginning at four o'clock and taking place outdoors:

This Lorca Beige Charleston Jacket from Gramercy Atelier is the perfect solution.

Go to the gramercy-atelier.com website to look at all the different styles of special occasion jackets and the Testimonials, where I found, for instance, this stunning jade special occasion jacket (below) and the sage green suit (here in the group photo where the other women are wearing pink or black).

About the wedding colors: Find out what the wedding colors are so you are in the same color hue. If the wedding colors are blue and silver, for instance, you wouldn't were blue or silver, but you could wear beige or green. See more green special occasion jackets at gramercy-atelier.com.

Maria Pucci's custom made special occasion jackets can go anywhere -- day or night, indoors or out. Dress them up, dress them down, they always look graceful and elegant.

Dressy enough, but too dressy.

We're here to help, so if these suggestions don't appeal to you, you're welcome to come back to us with your size and price range, and we'll try again.

~Didi

DATING ETIQUETTE — Ghosting, Orbiting + Haunting

Dating etiquette was quite different when I was a teen. I’m trying to keep up with what’s going on with my young teenager and her friends. My daughter’s friend (let’s call her Amy) had a date for her school prom with a boy (we’ll call Johnny) from a neighboring town. At the last minute Johnny backed out.

Johnny and Amy connected through my daughter on social media. It seemed to be an amicable friendship. Even though they never actually met in person, they messaged everyday for three months. Now Amy and my daughter are wondering what went wrong? How could Johnny break the date to go to the prom with Amy without offering an excuse?

How do we teach our teenagers to navigate dating on social media in a more civilized and polite manner?

–Alice

Believe it or not, just when we thought etiquette was dead, we have an new dating etiquette. There is an etiquette to orbiting. In case you didn't know, orbiting is the new ghosting. The manners of dating are ever-changing. The last I heard ghosting was the new thing in dating. From my point of view ghosting is quite rude and totally impolite. I hated writing about it. Readers complained that they were hurt after being dumped or ghosted with no way back. There is no etiquette as to how to repair a gap in a relationship. Until now. Perhaps now when people are orbiting they will be more considerate of other people's feelings.

In ghosting, which predates texting, you simply dump the person you were dating, courting or had previously had a crush on by going cold turkey and not answer texts or any kind of messaging. The dumper acts as though he/she never even knew the dumpee. Leaving the dumped to lick their wounds wondering what they did wrong. Too lazy, the wuss doesn't offer an explanation.

With orbiting it's all about the exciting anticipation of a date that may not actually ever be kept. It's risk aversion behavior. Orbiting is the current dating phenomenon.

There is no fear of obligation or commitment.
The heartbreak is allegedly less devastating when the relationship peters out -- drifts out of your orbit.
You circle round and round each other (much like wagging dogs sniffing each other in the park) through social media before making a decision as to whether to actually meet for the first time in person.
Or you return to the relationship you miss a lot.
It's self-protective.

When you discover that the other person follows you on Instagram and Snapchat and Likes and Replies to your Facebook posts, you know they're keeping you in their orbit. If he or she is always showing up at the top of your Instagram posts, you're in their orbit and they are in your orbit. Keeping tabs on the "Ha Ha," "Tee, hee," or "Awesome" in response to a tweet shows you're orbiting.

A common theme in online dating is keeping an eye on your options.
In the gay community orbiting is a diplomatic way of cultivating being part of the community.
People orbit when they are not ready to commit but don't want to totally eliminate contact because they might miss out on being able to reconnect going forward.
Dming on a post is a way of getting into another person's orbit.
Orbiting lets us keep tabs on people whether it's a platonic or romantic relationship.
Not texting someone back is as rude as not returning a phone call or answering an email.
On the other hand, if s/he's a narcissist, s/he'll be back -- so block him or her.

As you can see there are many nuances to dating. With the tap of one's fingertips we're in a world where simply opening an app allows us to find out what a friend or lover is doing daily.

Orbiting is creepy. Like stalking, so watch out. Especially if you've been ghosted and s/he's orbiting you. Block him or her.

Think about orbiting as simply a game of hide-and-seek. If someone once ghosted you and they're still spying on you through social media, they are haunting you. It sounds as though your Johnny either couldn't get a ride to the dance and was too embarrassed to use that as an excuse, or he saw something on social media that changed his mind about going to the prom. It could have happened the other way around.

Us this incident as an opportunity to teach empathy.
From time to time monitor your teen's Internet behavior in the hope that you don't find that s/he is wasting time orbiting, or is being hauntingly orbited by someone else.

~Didi

WEARING WHITE BEFORE MEMORIAL DAY

About wearing white before Memorial Day. What’s with the leader of our country and the world doing wearing white before Memorial Day?

–Name Withheld

The fashion rule "No white before Memorial Day or after Labor Day" was popular in the 1930s when rich people wore luxurious white clothing in the summer while working laborers found it far more practical to wear dark colors that didn't soil as noticeably. In The South where the climate is much milder the fashion rule is claimed as a southern rule.

Nowadays, winter white is a marvelously chic color.

Dry cleaning has changed all that, but it still boils down to who can afford dry cleaning and who cannot.

~Didi

NO NECKTIE WEDDING — BUT WHAT ABOUT A JACKET?

Invited to an informal no neckwear wedding in June. Do I have to wear a jacket? I’m not part of the wedding party, just a roommate from college. The wedding is not in a church, but outside. The groom isn’t wearing a tie, but he is wearing a jacket.

–JG, Portsmouth, RI

Wear what your buddy the groom is wearing to his no necktie wedding. Which is probably a collared (but not button-down) shirt and a lightweight jacket with either matching or contrasting well-cut trousers.

By showing up in a respectable jacket you won't risk being mistaken for one of the caterer's waitstaff.

Whether the wedding is taking place on a beach, in your friend's backyard or a at favorite restaurant, out of respect for the bride on her wedding day, wear a lightweight suit or lightweight jacket or blazer with dress khakis, white or colored trousers.

A pocket handkerchief -- without too many points -- would be swell as well.

~Didi

THE WEDDING THANK-YOU NOTE

I’m getting married (on June 16). I have an etiquette question for you about our thank-you note: Should we send thank you notes for gifts as they come in, or wait until after the wedding? We do not have stationery as a couple (yet). What do you recommend for stationery for a couple? I know you will have the right answers!

Thank you so much for any help.

–Jeff, Location Withheld

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! Ideally, you want a thank-you note that both you and your fiancée share.

Nowadays, for the most part, when both the bride and groom have careers, the duty of sending out acknowledgements for gifts is split. Usually, it is far easier for the person who knows the guest be the one to write the thank-you note.

On your excel spread sheet find a way to designate who writes the thank-you note to whom.

There used to be an old wives' tale people followed that said it was bad luck to send a wedding gift or thank-you for that gift before the actual wedding. That tradition is no longer recognized.

In modern times, sending out a thank-you note upon receipt of a gift (or notification of a gift) is far more efficient.

If the marriage were taking place in the fall, you could piggyback your thank-you note with your Christmas card, by choosing a wedding photo as your Christmas card. And many couples do this despite the fact that their wedding is taking place in the spring or summer.

Older folks, especially, really like receiving the acknowledgment that their gift was received and is appreciated, sooner rather than later. (They often write saying, "I haven't received a thank-you note for a wedding present and it's been a year!")
The rule of thumb is that you have a year to send all your thank-you notes, but I recommend giving yourselves a six month deadline.
And, no matter the design of the thank-you note, flat card or fold-over, always be sure to include a handwritten personalized line or two mentioning a brief description of the gift. And, when applicable, that you, also, wish to thank them for coming to your wedding.

For example: " The two dinner plates you gave us completed our set. Thank you for your thoughtful gift!" Or, "We greatly appreciate the enamel picture frame and we're looking forward to using it for one of our wedding photos."

Don't bother taking your thank-you notes with you to write out during your wedding trip/honeymoon. They simply won't get done.

Thank-you notes:

These days, some couples have a monogram designed to include both their first and last initials. The four letters are intertwined.

When the bride and groom are both using the same last name they sometimes simply use the first initial of that last name as their signature motif. For instance, a pronounced G. These can often be found boxed online or in stores that sell stationery.
Being even more creative, we also see a motif such as an anchor, shell, palm tree, two monkeys, sailboat, bug, that, perhaps, appeared on the save-the-date card (meaning anchor the date), cocktails napkins, etc. These can, also, be bought already boxed saving the expense of printing.
Traditionally, the bride and groom would have their own note card (him) or fold-over notes (her) with their full name. Or the fold-over note or flat card, you would simply have printed: Mr. and Mrs. Jeffrey Stuart Greene.
When the couple own a house or apartment, they may simply have their address on a notepaper or card, once again, so that both can use the same stationery. Quite convenient when the couple use different last names.

Thank-you notes, choose a style:

So as you can see with thank-you notes there are practically as many options as there are online and offline stationery stores.

Why don't you both browse over options from a few different sources until you come upon one that says, "that's us!" Then adjust the style to your budget by choosing a less expensive printer. For example, start at the top to look for ideas and take a look at the following:

The Printery in Oyster Bay (not to be confused with the company by the same name in Glen Cove), NY, has an exquisite selection of hand engraved stationery.

I'm not recommending hand engraved thank-you notes, I'm merely suggesting that you find your own style and then take it down a notch and have it replicated inexpensively at say, Reaves Engraving (scroll down). From the Printery, Oyster Bay, NY, just below:

Then go to 'Social Stationery and Thank You Notes' at Reavesengraving.com (in North Carolina), where you'll see that you can customize your own personal formal notes, as well as be inventive. From Reaves Engraving:

This above fold-over note is the most traditional, and as you can see, yet again, it works for both the bride and the groom.

Now, if you really want to be artistic, there are online companies such as Paperculture.com, where you choose a heavier stock and design your own card by using one of your wedding photos as the graphic.

At Paper Culture every order plants a tree! And often there are decent incentive deals. Plus, it's fun to use and there is an attractive assortment from which to choose. The quality is really very good.

It's alright to be modern, if you have a design you like good quality stock. The cards below are from perculbture.com.

Now to sending out those thank-you notes: As to the time-frame, divide and concur. The sooner the two of you write out your thank-you notes, the better.

When you have a message that you can use over and over customizing the same tone, such as: "Jeff joins me in thanking you for the beautiful wooden salad bowl," writing thank-you notes isn't as daunting of a task as one anticipates.

~Didi

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SAYING YOU ARE WELCOME

When did the expression “You are welcome” slide from fashion? When I thank someone for helping me in some small or large way and I say, “Thank you,” I miss hearing the reply “You’re welcome.”

How do we bring back saying, “You’re Welcome”?

–Grace, Hilton Head, SC

Don't stop using "You are welcome." Preserve the dialogue of gratitude. Keep using "You're welcome," and people won't take it for granted.

What you have to remember about saying "you're welcome," is that it ends the dialogue. What do you say in response to "You're welcome"? You don't have to say anything.

~Didi

THE ATTENDANT-FREE WEDDING — BRIDESMAIDS & GROOMSMEN

My fiancé and I are planning our smallish wedding without bridesmaids and groomsmen. We’re in our mid-thirties and have figured out our budget.

We’ve decided that we don’t want attendants. We went to too many weddings where attendants and family members stirred up drama which caused bad vibes.

Here’s our reasoning:

We’ve both been attendants ourselves so we understand that the cost, especially if you have to travel to a wedding, is a huge commitment, anywhere between $1,000-$2,000 per wedding.
Friends who thought they were close friends had hurt feelings because they hadn’t been chosen to be in the wedding party.
On the other hand, we know that it is hard to say no when someone asks you to be their maid-of-honor or best man.
Does my college roommate, at whose wedding I was a bridesmaid, assume she is one of my bridesmaids?
Several friends are pregnant, making choosing the bridesmaid’s dresses a nightmare.
Others have small children that will have to be fed.

We’ve decided that our wedding should be an inclusive wedding of our truly closest family and friends. And where certain guests are not signaled out as more special than others. Everyone will be treated equally.

Quite frankly, I don’t want to have to even invite my best friend from high school and my fiancé doesn’t want to be guilt tripped into inviting all of his first cousins, their spouses and children.

It would be easier not to have attendants but let those who wish to give a reading or be an usher, offer to do so. What do you think?

–AS, Watch Hill, RI

The older you are when marrying, the greater the expectations for the wedding, because you've accumulated more relationships and family members.

Historically, attendants, bridesmaids and groomsmen, were appointed to protect the wedding couple from evil spirits. Practically thinking, you really don't need to have all those attendants!

Whether you have six attendants each or twelve each, you'll be spending too much energy on keeping everyone happy. For you, it may be better to have none.
Make everyone happy by sparing your friends the huge commitment of being an attendant.
You can get yourselves down the aisle without attendants.
Avoid drama, invite only your best friends.
Ask yourselves, Are attendants more of a hassle than an honor?
The current trend: Fifty percent of couples choose not to have large weddings with attendants.

~Didi

THE PROBLEM WITH PLUS ONE — Wedding Etiquette

We’re overwhelmed by the number of our friends — who after receiving their save-the-date cards — have asked if they can bring a plus one to our wedding this summer. The best man asked us if he could bring a mutual friend as his plus one. He wants to know if he can get him invited to our wedding!

We know the guy who wants to be the best man’s plus one, so if we wanted him to come to our wedding, we would have sent him a save-the-date card. How do we handle this?

–BC, Seattle, WA

The whole plus one situation can be murky. A guest bringing his own guest. Especially if the plus one knows the wedding couple and knows that he wasn't invited. A wedding isn't just any party. It is a celebration of a marriage.

You only invite people whom you like, like a lot, or love. If you, the bride and groom, had wanted the wanna be plus one at your wedding, you would have invited him.

What to know about plus one:

As the host, unless you're not particular, make a list of assumed single people you are inviting whom you want to extend a plus one invitation to your wedding.
If the guest doesn't list his plus one's name on the reply care to the ceremony, find out the name of the guest your guest is bringing as their plus one.
Add that person's name to your guest list after the original guest's name on the spreadsheet. That way if the name of the plus one changes, at least you're keeping a correct head count.

What people who haven't hosted a wedding don't know is this:

As a guest, he or she is being invited because they're liked by the wedding couple or their parents.
If a mutual friend hasn't been invited, it is because the bride and groom don't want him at their wedding, so it is in bad manners to bring him as your plus one.
It can be hurtful to the plus one to be told they weren't invited because they aren't liked, so don't push it.
Make it clear that if a guest is bringing a plus one, s/he sends a gift from the bridal registry from both the original guest and his/her plus one.
The plus one can certainly send his own gift from the bridal registry, as a thank-you for having been invited, but don't count on it.

At this age when your guests are apt to be in one of the various stages of complicated, dramatic or knotty coupledom or uncoupling or single, choose your plus ones carefully.

Who gets a plus one to the wedding?

Don't get caught up in being stuck with a revolving guest list of unwanted plus ones -- surprises that you either don't know or don't like.
Do give a plus one to a friend's SO when they've been together for over six months and you've met him or her more than once.
Don't give an open plus one because you're stuck if you know the plus one and don't like him or her.
Do give a guest traveling from afar, who may not know people at your wedding, the option of having a plus one.
Don't think you have to offer all of your extended family members plus ones, the fact that they're family means that they'll have people to talk to at the wedding anyway.
Do ask single participants in your bridal party if they would like a plus one, and get the name and address of the person to whom you can send an invitation.
Don't get talked into giving someone a plus one once the list has been finalized, which is after the cutoff date for the reply card return. Even if he says, "She's the one. I can't wait for you to meet her."

Important: On your wedding website, in person, and by word of mouth, get the word out that it is a "small wedding" and that you are not giving out many plus ones because you have a tight and concise guest list.

Often the size of the list depends upon the fire code of the venue where the reception is taking place.
Leave your answer at that.
A small wedding is in the eye of the beholder. What a small wedding may be to you, might look like a big wedding to me.

Be clear, your actual invitation list is key to controlling the amount of plus ones:

Couple: With a good pen print the names of the guests who are invited on the outside and inside envelopes (if you're using two both).

Mr. Matthew J. Whitman (guest)

Ms. Annie Louise Kelley (plus one)

(their address)

For a family: when residing at the same address, list on the inside and outside envelopes the names of the children you wish to invite. For instance you may not have accommodations for small children and babies. You can also list, or just list, those names in the upper left hand corner of the actual invitation:

Mr. and Mrs. William Wilson

Miss Alice Wilson (under19)

Mr. William Wilson, Jr. (14)

Master Jake Wilson (under 12)

(the address on the outside envelope)

~Didi

MOURNING A SINGLE FRIEND — CONDOLENCES

A childhood friend died a short time ago and we can’t figure out how to contact his family to offer our condolences. He wasn’t married nor did he have a SO — that we know of.

He was visiting friends of his in Palm Beach as a houseguest when he died “peacefully in his sleep,” but we don’t know the names of his hosts.

We just heard about his death in Palm Beach through a mutual friend who didn’t know the details. As the deceased did not have a next of kin, we don’t know how we can express our sympathy. What would you suggest?

–Name Withheld

Go to Legacy.com to find information about your friend and where to send your condolences. He may not have had a close next of kin, but information as to who that closest person might be, can possibly be found there.

The site will list the name of the deceased and person in charge of his estate (either a partner, significant other, lover, cousin, lawyer, an estate manager, appointed representative, or closest blood relative), along with the name of the funeral home director, who handled the burial and should respond in a timely fashion to a quick phone call to provide you with that contact's information.

There is no time constraint on sending a condolence note. Whoever is handling your friend's personal affairs will appreciate your taking the time to write him or her a note.

~Didi

GENDER BASED JOB DISCRIMINATION

This question about gender based job discrimination may be an ethics question or it may be about etiquette, perhaps you can help me. I’ve applied for a big job that I know I’ll be good at.

Am I under any obligation to give information about my children? Friends, who are also mothers in a similar dilemma and “confessed” to having children, didn’t get the job.

I am totally covered as far as childcare is concerned, but if something did come up and it was discovered that I have children, will it seem that I’ve done something remiss by not having volunteered that information?

–Name Withheld

On the job application there should not have been a question about children or, for that matter, any gender based job discrimnation issue. During a job interview you're not obliged to bring up your parental status. You should not be asked.

Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964: Equal Opportunity, prohibits employment discrimination based on race, color, religion, national origin and sex. Legally, you cannot be penalized for being a mother.

Remember that a man who makes it known that he has children is traditionally paid a higher salary or/and accrues more benefits than a woman in the same job.
Men in the workplace are rewarded for having children, while women doing the same job are penalized.

Keep your parental status private: My best advice is to keep quiet about the kids until after you're weathered and tested. Leave your children's photos in your office desk drawer and on your cellphone. Eventually when you've secured the respect of your colleagues and those you report to, gently let out tidbits of news about your brilliant off-spring. Sorry, that's the way it is.

Should a colleague say, "I didn't know that you had children," nonchalantly respond saying, "I didn't think anyone would be interested."

The biggest mistake in terms of office politics is swearing one or two coworkers to secrecy. Your maternal status shouldn't be a secret per se, as a man wouldn't have had to keep his adorable kids hush-hush, because strutting paternity is considered macho.

It's the gaming system. You're not alone. I know that it doesn't sound fair, but until you're sure of safe footing, you may have to play the game.

Of course, if you're directly asked in a job interview (which is illegal) it may be the first clue that the job really isn't for you.

Check out the company culture at glassdoor.com.

~Didi

STRESS-FREE CHILD-FREE WEDDINGS

We’re concerned about having uninvited small children at our daughter’s wedding, because it is child-free. The groom’s niece is the flower girl, but aside from her, she is the only child in the wedding. The groom’s sister and brother-in-law have said that the child will be at the church to perform her duty as flower girl, but will go home with a sitter after the ceremony and not be at the cocktail hour or seated dinner reception.

The child’s parents are both in the wedding party. We were grateful for that info and the fact that we wouldn’t have to worry about a four-year-old running loose on a soda and cake sugar high.

The problem is that the grooms’ friends are assuming that because little Harriet is a flower girl, they can bring their children to our daughter’s wedding. They are actually listing the names of their children on their return reply card for the reception.

How do we politely contact them to say that their children weren’t invited? Their names weren’t on the invitation envelope or written on the invitation itself. Is it rude not to invite them?

Are we expected to have to provide childcare? It seems like an unnecessary expense for us, and we don’t want the added responsibility.

–AW, Charleston, SC

About child-free weddings: What child doesn't look cute all dressed up participating in the ceremony, but don't let kids kidnap your daughter's wedding reception. Especially if you're paying the bills, so you draw the line and set the formality of the wedding.

You don't have to invite children and you didn't.
So you can stick to that excellent decision.

The only reasons you would invite children to a wedding:

They are the child of the bride and groom.
They are the child of the bride or groom from another relationship.
They are siblings or step-siblings of the bride or groom.
There is nobody to watch the child while his/her parent(s) attend the wedding.
The child is twelve-years-old or older, and then -- only if there is a connection with the bride or groom.

The reasons why you would NOT invite children to a wedding reception:

The wedding is very formal, either white tie or black tie.
The reception is held at six o'clock or later in the evening.
The dinner is seated formally with place cards and table cards.
There won't be any accommodations to feed, seat or entertain small children.
There won't be any childcare available at the wedding ceremony or reception.

Most importantly, this wedding is all about the bride and groom and really isn't about children who are not directly connected to the wedding couple in some significant way.

You want all of your guests to have a good time.

With that goal in mind, pick up the phone and call the invitee to say that your daughter's wedding is child-free.

If it is a guest coming from out of town, offer to help find a caregiver that can stay with the child during the wedding reception.
Invite the guest to bring the the child to the ceremony, and then gently remind her/him that there won't be any accommodations for the child at the reception or seated dinner.
After all, the parent wouldn't want their child to be the only child at the reception.