Wear what your buddy the groom is wearing to his no necktie wedding. Which is probably a collared (but not button-down) shirt and a lightweight jacket with either matching or contrasting well-cut trousers.

Whether the wedding is taking place on a beach, in your friend's backyard or a at favorite restaurant, out of respect for the bride on her wedding day, wear a lightweight suit or lightweight jacket or blazer with dress khakis, white or colored trousers.

I’m getting married (on June 16). I have an etiquette question for you about our thank-you note:  Should we send thank you notes for gifts as they come in, or wait until after the wedding? We do not have stationery as a couple (yet). What do you recommend for stationery for a couple? I know you will have the right answers!

     Thank you so much for any help.

• These days, some couples have a monogram designed to include both their first and last initials.  The four letters are intertwined.

• When the bride and groom are both using the same last name they sometimes simply use the first initial of that last name as their signature motif. For instance, a pronounced G. These can often be found boxed online or in stores that sell stationery.
• Being even more creative, we also see a motif such as an anchor, shell, palm tree, two monkeys, sailboat, bug, that, perhaps, appeared on the save-the-date card (meaning anchor the date), cocktails napkins, etc. These can, also, be bought already boxed saving the expense of printing.
• Traditionally, the bride and groom would have their own note card (him) or fold-over notes (her) with their full name. Or the fold-over note or flat card, you would simply have printed: Mr. and Mrs. Jeffrey Stuart Greene.
• When the couple own a house or apartment, they may simply have their address on a notepaper or card, once again, so that both can use the same stationery. Quite convenient when the couple use different last names.

• The Printery in Oyster Bay (not to be confused with the company by the same name in Glen Cove), NY, has an exquisite selection of hand engraved stationery.

I'm not recommending hand engraved thank-you notes, I'm merely suggesting that you find your own style and then take it down a notch and have it replicated inexpensively at say, Reaves Engraving (scroll down). From the Printery, Oyster Bay, NY, just below:

Now to sending out those thank-you notes: As to the time-frame, divide and concur.  The sooner the two of you write out your thank-you notes, the better.  

• When you have a message that you can use over and over customizing the same tone, such as: "Jeff joins me in thanking you for the beautiful wooden salad bowl," writing thank-you notes isn't as daunting of a task as one anticipates.

When did the expression “You are welcome” slide from fashion? When I thank someone for helping me in some small or large way and I say, “Thank you,” I miss hearing the reply “You’re welcome.”

Don't stop using "You are welcome." Preserve the dialogue of gratitude. Keep using "You're welcome," and people won't take it for granted.

      What you have to remember about saying "you're welcome," is that it ends the dialogue. What do you say in response to "You're welcome"? You don't have to say anything.

• We’ve both been attendants ourselves so we understand that the cost, especially if you have to travel to a wedding, is a huge commitment, anywhere between $1,000-$2,000 per wedding.
• Friends who thought they were close friends had hurt feelings because they hadn’t been chosen to be in the wedding party.
• On the other hand, we know that it is hard to say no when someone asks you to be their maid-of-honor or best man.
• Does my college roommate, at whose wedding I was a bridesmaid, assume she is one of my bridesmaids?
• Several friends are pregnant, making choosing the bridesmaid’s dresses a nightmare.
• Others have small children that will have to be fed.

We’ve decided that our wedding should be an inclusive wedding of our truly closest family and friends. And where certain guests are not signaled out as more special than others. Everyone will be treated equally.

      Quite frankly, I don’t want to have to even invite my best friend from high school and my fiancé doesn’t want to be guilt tripped into inviting all of his first cousins, their spouses and children.

      It would be easier not to have attendants but let those who wish to give a reading or be an usher, offer to do so. What do you think?

The older you are when marrying, the greater the expectations for the wedding, because you've accumulated more relationships and family members.

      Historically, attendants, bridesmaids and groomsmen, were appointed to protect the wedding couple from evil spirits. Practically thinking, you really don't need to have all those attendants!

• Whether you have six attendants each or twelve each, you'll be spending too much energy on keeping everyone happy. For you, it may be better to have none.
• Make everyone happy by sparing your friends the huge commitment of being an attendant.
• You can get yourselves down the aisle without attendants.
• Avoid drama, invite only your best friends.
• Ask yourselves, Are attendants more of a hassle than an honor?
• The current trend: Fifty percent of couples choose not to have large weddings with attendants.

We’re overwhelmed by the number of our friends — who after receiving their save-the-date cards — have asked if they can bring a plus one to our wedding this summer. The best man asked us if he could bring a mutual friend as his plus one. He wants to know if he can get him invited to our wedding!

      We know the guy who wants to be the best man’s plus one, so if we wanted him to come to our wedding, we would have sent him a save-the-date card. How do we handle this?

The whole plus one situation can be murky. A guest bringing his own guest. Especially if the plus one knows the wedding couple and knows that he wasn't invited. A wedding isn't just any party. It is a celebration of a marriage.

      You only invite people whom you like, like a lot, or love. If you, the bride and groom, had wanted the wanna be plus one at your wedding, you would have invited him.

      What to know about plus one:

• As the host, unless you're not particular, make a list of assumed single people you are inviting whom you want to extend a plus one invitation to your wedding.
• If the guest doesn't list his plus one's name on the reply care to the ceremony, find out the name of the guest your guest is bringing as their plus one.
• Add that person's name to your guest list after the original guest's name on the spreadsheet. That way if the name of the plus one changes, at least you're keeping a correct head count.

      What people who haven't hosted a wedding don't know is this:

• As a guest, he or she is being invited because they're liked by the wedding couple or their parents.
• If a mutual friend hasn't been invited, it is because the bride and groom don't want him at their wedding, so it is in bad manners to bring him as your plus one.
• It can be hurtful to the plus one to be told they weren't invited because they aren't liked, so don't push it.
• Make it clear that if a guest is bringing a plus one, s/he sends a gift from the bridal registry from both the original guest and his/her plus one.
• The plus one can certainly send his own gift from the bridal registry, as a thank-you for having been invited, but don't count on it.

• Don't get caught up in being stuck with a revolving guest list of unwanted plus ones -- surprises that you either don't know or don't like.
• Do give a plus one to a friend's SO when they've been together for over six months and you've met him or her more than once.
• Don't give an open plus one because you're stuck if you know the plus one and don't like him or her.
• Do give a guest traveling from afar, who may not know people at your wedding, the option of having a plus one.
• Don't think you have to offer all of your extended family members plus ones, the fact that they're family means that they'll have people to talk to at the wedding anyway.
• Do ask single participants in your bridal party if they would like a plus one, and get the name and address of the person to whom you can send an invitation.
• Don't get talked into giving someone a plus one once the list has been finalized, which is after the cutoff date for the reply card return. Even if he says, "She's the one. I can't wait for you to meet her."

• Couple: With a good pen print the names of the guests who are invited on the outside and inside envelopes (if you're using two both).

Mr. Matthew J. Whitman (guest)

Ms. Annie Louise Kelley (plus one)

(their address)

• For a family: when residing at the same address, list on the inside and outside envelopes the names of the children you wish to invite. For instance you may not have accommodations for small children and babies. You can also list, or just list, those names in the upper left hand corner of the actual invitation:

A childhood friend died a short time ago and we can’t figure out how to contact his family to offer our condolences. He wasn’t married nor did he have a SO — that we know of.

     He was visiting friends of his in Palm Beach as a houseguest when he died “peacefully in his sleep,” but we don’t know the names of his hosts.

     We just heard about his death in Palm Beach through a mutual friend who didn’t know the details. As the deceased did not have a next of kin, we don’t know how we can express our sympathy. What would you suggest?

This question about gender based job discrimination may be an ethics question or it may be about etiquette, perhaps you can help me. I’ve applied for a big job that I know I’ll be good at.

      Am I under any obligation to give information about my children? Friends, who are also mothers in a similar dilemma and “confessed” to having children, didn’t get the job.

      I am totally covered as far as childcare is concerned, but if something did come up and it was discovered that I have children, will it seem that I’ve done something remiss by not having volunteered that information?

On the job application there should not have been a question about children or, for that matter, any gender based job discrimnation issue. During a job interview you're not obliged to bring up your parental status. You should not be asked.

      Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964: Equal Opportunity, prohibits employment discrimination based on race, color, religion, national origin and sex. Legally, you cannot be penalized for being a mother.

• Remember that a man who makes it known that he has children is traditionally paid a higher salary or/and accrues more benefits than a woman in the same job.
• Men in the workplace are rewarded for having children, while women doing the same job are penalized.

      Keep your parental status private: My best advice is to keep quiet about the kids until after you're weathered and tested. Leave your children's photos in your office desk drawer and on your cellphone. Eventually when you've secured the respect of your colleagues and those you report to, gently let out tidbits of news about your brilliant off-spring. Sorry, that's the way it is.

• Should a colleague say, "I didn't know that you had children," nonchalantly respond saying, "I didn't think anyone would be interested."

The biggest mistake in terms of office politics is swearing one or two coworkers to secrecy. Your maternal status shouldn't be a secret per se, as a man wouldn't have had to keep his adorable kids hush-hush, because strutting paternity is considered macho.

      It's the gaming system. You're not alone. I know that it doesn't sound fair, but until you're sure of safe footing, you may have to play the game.

      Of course, if you're directly asked in a job interview (which is illegal) it may be the first clue that the job really isn't for you.

We’re concerned about having uninvited small children at our daughter’s wedding, because it is child-free. The groom’s niece is the flower girl, but aside from her, she is the only child in the wedding. The groom’s sister and brother-in-law have said that the child will be at the church to perform her duty as flower girl, but will go home with a sitter after the ceremony and not be at the cocktail hour or seated dinner reception.

      The child’s parents are both in the wedding party. We were grateful for that info and the fact that we wouldn’t have to worry about a four-year-old running loose on a soda and cake sugar high.

      The problem is that the grooms’ friends are assuming that because little Harriet is a flower girl, they can bring their children to our daughter’s wedding. They are actually listing the names of their children on their return reply card for the reception.

      How do we politely contact them to say that their children weren’t invited? Their names weren’t on the invitation envelope or written on the invitation itself. Is it rude not to invite them?

      Are we expected to have to provide childcare? It seems like an unnecessary expense for us, and we don’t want the added responsibility.

About child-free weddings: What child doesn't look cute all dressed up participating in the ceremony, but don't let kids kidnap your daughter's wedding reception. Especially if you're paying the bills, so you draw the line and set the formality of the wedding.

• You don't have to invite children and you didn't.
• So you can stick to that excellent decision.

Once your fork and spoon touch food and your saliva, they don't return to the table. Leave the utensils you've contaminated on your plate or in the soup bowl.

• Kissing is not universally accepted; there are parts of the world where it is taboo to kiss in public.
• In some cultures lip-kissing is still banned.