Newport Manners

ENTERTAINING: HOST + GUEST — THE DINNER PARTY — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE

What happened to the dinner party? When did the dinner party become embarrassingly unfashionable?

–HT, New York, New York

Entertaining used to be all the rage until it became pretentious. These aren't the Dinner Parties Years of the eighties and nineties -- something that used to happen. Look at dining rooms. The dining room is more apt to be the home office of a start-up or den of a struggling writer. Lately, whenever I've been lucky enough to be asked for drinks or dinner it makes me feel really special to be invited out. There were times when I thought nothing of making a curry or chili on a Saturday to entertain thirty of forty people that evening, but, then as a working mother, entertaining three children on Saturdays was all I could manage.

Don't be intimidated by the popularity

of sophisticated TV chefs, and ...

you don't need a holiday to entertain friends sharing platters over plated courses.
Dinner for four, six or eight becomes easier with practice--the more times you handle the drill, the easier it gets.
For Holiday Cocktails, put out a ham with a variety of cheeses, breads and crackers and they'll all come--happy to snack off of festive paper plates!
When a guest offers to bring something, say, "Yes, please!"
If not a salad or dessert, then they know to bring a decent bottle of wine or a six-pack of craft-beer.
To host a party, you don't need a huge budget, just a slow-cooker for that bolognese sauce, chicken curry or turkey chili.
Google a good recipe and be sure you make enough for leftovers the next day. And remember: Doubling or tripling that recipe can be tricky when adding salt and spices, so hold back and season to taste in stages.

Personal note: Sometimes I long for those days when as a newly wed I made a Beef Bourguignon (stew) or a butterfly leg of lamb for six or eight guests. But I've discovered that one really doesn't have to follow a complicated French recipe, because everyone is sooooo damn happy to be entertained by friends.

When inviting up to eight guests call or text your invitation in advance and when they respond, "YES! YES!"
Follow up with the time and a mention of what you'll be serving, as someone will be either allergic to seafood, or doesn't eat meat, gluten, sugar, dairy, etc. Then you'll know to add a veggie casserole to your menu.
You needn't drastically alter your menu, because picky eaters know to snack ahead of time--and are adept at pushing their food around the plate to make it look as though they've enjoyed the food.

Choose Your Style

In keeping with the season and climate, narrow the style of your dinner or cocktail party down to informal, more formal, or formal. Let's choose the less formal:

Informal/Casual: no ties (dress code) or tablecloth (tabletop); drinks and canapes/snacks (cocktails) followed by a two to three courses buffet style -- perhaps seated in the kitchen -- dinner of lasagne or risotto, salad, bread and large paper napkins. Make the formality somewhere between a kitchen supper and a seated dinner.
But when there's a guest's birthday, engagement, or promotion to toast, for dessert serve cake and champagne or Prosecco in old-fashioned, mismatched champagne glasses (from your local thrift shop) or flute glasses from Anthropologie.

TIPS FOR HOSTING

Invite the person during a phone conversation or by text when organizing a dinner party, because you want every guest to

feel really special. That's your number one job as a host, and don't forget it (even if you hugely dislike your brother's girlfriend). Every guest is important and if a guest is bringing a date, you want to know the date's name, and a tidbit about them that will make it easy for you to introduce him or her and seat them beside a sympatico guest.
Give the invitee a deadline as to when to get back to you with a 'yes' or a 'no,' and how many to expect (just the invitee or will there be 2 of you total?), because there may well be someone else you'd like to invite (but don't say that). You don't want no-shows, especially since you'll be setting the table ahead of time. Say, "Can you, please, let me know by Friday the 10th, if you can come for dinner on the 20th?"
Make it clear that you're cooking dinner and will be expecting them to show up-- and you're not just ordering take out when they decide to show up.
Depending upon how soon out your invitation for dinner was extended, follow up your phone call or text with a reminder a couple of days ahead of time: "Looking forward to having you both (or you and George) for dinner Saturday night, please come at 7:30." You might add, "we're having a roast." In other words, let them know it is not burgers on the grille for when they show up (unless, of course, you will be grilling).
When you know the guest is really really fussy about what s/he drinks and eats, suggest they bring a beverage, and do ask about food allergies.

TIPS FOR GUESTS

Regret, by declining the invitation: When an invitation doesn't feel special enough for you: don't accept, because you'll probably end up as a no-show, if a better invitation comes along (and that's really rude); or regret if you know you'll be really really late, because you're attending another event first (which is equally rude when the cook is timing dinner).
Get back to the host in a timely fashion with a call or text with your YES or NO within 48 hours.
Accept or decline promptly: When Accepting: state who, exactly, you're accepting for: "Janet will be out of town on business, so it'll just be me flying solo," or "I'm bringing my latest crush Hugo, if that's alright." Add a tidbit about Hugo, so your host knows something about him that might be of interest to the assemblage of guests. A good guest just doesn't randomly bring their own guest without clearing it with the host ahead of time -- even if your plus one is a dog.
Verify the time you're expected.
When you're running late, phone ahead, which will allow the host to hold dinner for your arrival, or simply insist that the host starts serving dinner without you.
Ahead of time, offer to bring a beverage or a "dish" meaning a dessert or a hummus and chips for the cocktail hour. However, if you've offered to buy or make the dessert, you better not forget your obligation.
Don't fret about a HOSTESS GIFT, bring a good bottle of wine or six-pack of craft-beer.
Be a self-sustaining guest. Find out where to leave your coat tucking your phone into a pocket or simply turn it off. Ask what you can do to help out, or offer to: Help pass smacks, make drinks, light the candles, put on the music, clear the table or fill the wine glasses.
Most importantly, introduce yourself to every guest that you don't already know.
When there is a guest you don't like, make a beeline for him or her first and get it over with. Once you've been polite, you're not duty-bound to talk to that person beyond that.

Hosting a Postmodern Dinner Party -- that's a super-casual dinner ...

Host Dos and Don'ts

Do phone or text potential guests at least ten days ahead of time (time permitting) to invite your core group.

Do prep in advance so you can spend time with your guests.

Do use a slow-cooker for slow-roasted meat or stew ahead of time.

Don't serve individual chicken breasts.

Do serve a fun salad (in winter Boston lettuce with bites of pink grapefruit) and one veggie.

Don't serve meat with two veggies.

Do stock up on extra booze.

Don't expect everyone will drink only a half a bottle of wine each.

Do serve olives, nuts, chips + salsa or hummus during the cocktail hour.

Don't offer crackers or chips large enough to double-dip or you'll create bacteria hysteria.

Do suggest a festive signature drink upon their arrival (Campari+soda, Aperol+Prosecco (or splash of soda), with a sliver of orange.

Do pass dark coffee and chocolate when not serving dessert.

Do use a playlist of jazz or soul and be sure music is playing when the first guest arrives.

Do have fun assigning the *seating with impromptu place cards (after mapping it out on a piece of paper ahead of time) to avoid a muddle when there are eight or more to be seated. Guests feel especially special when they see their name at a place setting.

Do not usher your guests out before midnight.

Do suggest smoking in a designated area--such as the back porch.

*Seating guests well is as important as it is tricky. If seating boy-girl-boy-girl works, that's fine, if you can arrange it so men aren't directly seated across from each other and women aren't seated directly across from each other. But if that doesn't work (such as when seating eight), at least don't seat couples together. Couples seated as singles will be more lively if they're not seated with the person they see all the time.

Guest Dos + Don'ts

Do not ask who else is invited. It's extremely rude. Be surprised.

Do accept or decline an invitation immediately.

Don't arrive at the appointed time, but exactly 15 minutes later because your host is getting dressed.

Don't bring a bottle of wine that costs less than $15.

Do turn off your phone.

Don't offer to help and wander off.

Do hold your tongue and don't offer cooking tips: too many cooks, too many cooks to blame.

Do talk politics, sex and death.

Don't talk family, houses, apartments and cars.

Do talk to the person on your right and left equally.

Do show your appreciation with a phone call, or send an email or text, before noon the next day (just kidding).

Don't Instagram the host's guests or dinner table without consent.

Don't bring flowers that need a vase or wine that needs decanting.

Do leave your emotional baggage at the door: bickering couples need not accept.

Savvy, relaxed, generous hosting has and always will be The Thing we still value highest when socializing -- the warm and delightful atmosphere of an evening savoring good food and participating in fun conversation.

Every guest is special and no one should feel trapped by good manners.

Cooking for family and friends is about as personal as it gets.

At the end of the evening, ultimately nobody will care about the cooking -- the menu was a mere frame work for social interaction, like a play staged in three acts. So if you became stressed out cooking something you'd never cooked before -- let it go. Don't be too ambitious. Your guests might remember that they drank too much and laughed too loudly, but if the meal wasn't perfect, who cares?

A wonderful dinner party is about sharing food in a relaxed environment with no protocol or rules. It's about being informal and generous hospitality. Today's parties most often consist of feasting off of shared large platters of food that are spread over the table.

The age of the napkin ring is over.

Formal, classic dinners are over,

but casual cooking for friends

shows us a new set of dilemmas.

Don't want to cook dinner? There's always the option of just cocktails with cheese and crackers. Stay tuned.

~Didi

INTRODUCING PEOPLE: MEETING & GREETING — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE

I’m concerned that I’m not introducing people properly. What is the proper way to introduce someone? How do you know who to introduce first? Who to shake hands with first when you’re in a mixed gender social or business situation?

My work colleague and I disagree on introducing etiquette and we’d like to have your advice.

–TG, Boston

Hello TG,

In postmodern etiquette, I'm of the opinion that a woman is always introduced first. She stretches out her arm and hand for the first handshake.

When there is more than one woman,

I would shake the hand of

the closest woman to me first.

In a situation where there

is an elderly person,

I would shake her or his hand first.

The exception socially would be if there was an elderly person or a known elected, appointed, or ordained official, such as a pope, senator, mayor, or rabbi. Although not a doctor or soccer coach. But in a formal situation, perhaps, a principal, headmaster, or the president of the New York Stock Exchange would be introduced first -- regardless of gender.

A transgender person would be identified by his or her first name, and if that's not clear because she or he is introduced as Brook, Alex, Alexis, Jackie, Jamie, Kelly, Lee, or Leslie, Morgan, Pat, Robin, Taylor, etc., the combination of their hair style, makeup, and clothing might possibly give you a clue.
So those who identify female would take the lead in introducing and shaking hands first.
In an all women or all men situation, the person who knows the person introduces their friend or colleague, even if s/he may know him/her by reputation only.

INTRODUCE YOURSELF: When the person you're with forgets to introduce you, step forward and say your name along with a tidbit of information to connect you and perhaps get the conversation going. "Josh Goodrich, George and I work together at GL&C."

Personal note: It irks me when I am in a professional situation and the husband (who shares my business interest) is introduced first, it feels disrespectful and I wonder if the wife's feelings are hurt.

Example: Make it clear when you will be my child's teacher and I am to call you Mrs. Spencer, and not Mary. By labeling yourself as Mrs, saying, "I'm Mrs. Spencer, I'll be your son's teacher next year." Then I know to teach Georgie that he has to call his teacher "Mrs. Spencer."

Introducing is key to networking.

Etiquette in business is

more important than you can imagine.

Relationship labels

Whether at work or play when introducing someone it is polite to identify your relationship as "my friend Amy," or "my office mate, Josh," or "work husband, Jeff."

In work situations, labels can be tricky. Is the person you're with your boss, your underling, your coworker? Best to label him or her as your "colleague"; "We work together," "We're on the same team at ..." "We used to both work at ..." "We met at Stamford."

In social situations, labels can be much dicer. Apparently, it's never "cool" to give a romantic unmarried relationship a label. Hopefully, at some point, after you've moved in together, you have the "What are we conversation," about how to label your relationship to make it less confusing for new, as well as old, acquaintances. Even if the relationship isn't "traditional" -- we all know that everyone does intimacy differently. Sometimes the pace is confusing, sometimes you just know. But give us a clue: "I want you to meet my girlfriend, Amy Scott." "Eric and I live together and he's the father of my two kids."

Social faux pas:

"It's nice to meet you!"

If you're meeting someone for the first time, how do you know that it is nice to meet them? You don't, unless ...
If your friend had previously told you how nice the guy is, then you can say, "Jake says you're a great guy (a hard worker, a super good tennis player)."

My point is this: try to be more creative -- even if you say, "Great tie," or "Beautiful scarf "... That's more original than saying "nice to meet you."

Meeting and greeting

struts your style

and sets the tone,

for better or for worse.

At the end of a meeting or double date, you can say, "Nice meeting you," or "It was great getting to know you."

Personal note:

Recently when I was introduced to a married couple the husband was introduced to me first, along with the nature of the connection that he and his wife shared with the person who was introducing us.

I made a horrible faux pas.

The husband stuck out his hand to shake mine, but I shifted toward his wife and shook her hand first, before shaking his. Was it a faux pas? In my mind, I knew to shake the hand of the wife first. What do you think?

~Didi

PHUBBING aka PHONE SNUBBING: THE SOCIAL FAUX PAS — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE

How do I convince my girlfriend to breakup with her phone? It’s a real bore. She’s constantly checking it even when it pings with a text she could read later. Since she doesn’t wear a watch, she says she needs to know the time when she sees me watching her check her phone.

She can’t sit through a full-length movie or have an uninterrupted conversation, let alone a night out alone just the two us! Not only that, but she gets upset with social media and group texts. Last night she went ballistic after discovering she had been left off of a group text even though she was told it was a mistake, and she couldn’t give up her anger!

With a glance she’ll throw me the old “mmhmm,” once in a while pretending she’s listening, but I hardly consider that a conversation.

It’s like there are three of us in our relationship! Any ideas?

–PK, Brooklyn, NY

Cellphones may not be an addictive substance but they definitely are a species-level environmental shock. The good news is, digital wellness is on it's way! There are many solutions in the form of new devices to help unhook the brain from the harmful routines of smartphone use. and hooking it on to other ways to spend time, such as reading a real book, practicing yoga, etc.:

"Light Phone" - sets limits on time-stealing apps.
"Digital Detox" packages - are available in luxury hotels ($295.)
Set up mental speed bumps by putting a scrunchie or rubber band around your phone to make you stop and think before using.
Or change the screen lock to one that asks three questions: Why now? What for? and What else?
Be alone with your thoughts and pay more attention to your surroundings instead of your phone.
Toss out apps that don't make you happy.
People who don't charge their phones in their bedroom, use them less.

Detox will make one more attentive to being present in the moment, and able to spend more time listening--and less easily distracted. They say the average person picks up their phone 50 times a day as a way of coping with boredom and anxiety. UGH!

How you go about telling someone

to try some of these remedies?

Try them yourself.

Start with agreeing to stop charging phones in the bedroom.
Take 24 hours during a weekend for a joint "trial separation" from your phone(s).
The next step is a get-away-weekend without your six-inch glass-and-steel rectangles.
Make a goal of one hour a day for cellphone use--perhaps picking up your phone only 20 times.
When suddenly finding yourself sucked into your phone--self-correct.

Remind yourself that life is what you should be paying attention to and not the magical object that can order cannabis delivered to your door at midnight.

Look people in the eye and listen when they talk.

What to say about the poor etiquette of phubbing:

Phubbing is snubbing the one you're with.
Hey, put down that cellphone! You're snubbing me!
Stop phubbing your partner.
Get it into your head that phubbing is a bad, modern-day habit.
79% say phubbing hurts their ability to interact with their partners.
Using a handset while with a partner undermines the quality of the relationship.
Researches say phubbing is a relationship buster up there with money problems, bad sex and having kids.
There are increasing numbers of people in long-term relationships that feel they must compete with their partner's smartphone for attention.
Are you a nomophobe (no-mobile-phone phobia)? Scared to be without your mobile phone?

RELATIONSHIP TIPS FOR PHONE ADDICTS

Keep the phone away from you on silent; for instance in a tote bag or backpack or up on a shelf.
When you feel you have to check on something legitimately important, give an explanation to your partner first and then check your phone.
Never be defensive when you get called out for technoference (the interference of technology in couple relationships)--it's somebody's way of telling you they'd like to connect in person.

Sorry you're feeling phubbed,

now do something about it, and

I don't mean installing a signal blocker

in your living room or bedroom.

~Didi

POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE & MANNERS: APOLOGIZING

Valentine’s Day is a fine time to make an apology to someone you’ve offended, humiliated, or hurt their feelings. You don’t need a box of candy or bouquet of flowers to apologize. A simple text, email or voicemail with do: Please forgive me for not showing up Saturday night.

People who over-apologize can be annoying.

How was the person behind them (me) expecting HIM to hold the door open–when he couldn’t even see me (he didn’t have eyes in the back of his head)–but he apologized for not holding the door open? Really, it’s a bit much.
Saying “sorry” that you don’t have the exact change: why should you–you’re not a bank teller or cashier?
Apologizing to the caller who had the wrong number? Give me a break! Mistakes happen when your pad hits the wrong key, but there is no need to say “sorry” to the caller.

It’s quite different, for instance, when you’ve stood up in public at a City Council meeting and unfairly slandered the head of a volunteer commission for doing her job, because you didn’t get your way. That’s the instance when you pick up the phone to apologize to someone who, as it turns out, is your mother-in-law’s second cousin once removed.

In making an apology:

Don’t pass the buck. Own up to the mistake, or don’t make the apology.
Acknowledge your mistake and briefly explain what you did wrong.
The fact that you are taking the time to make an apology will be appreciated.
In winding up an apology offer some kind or recompense. Such as:

To the person whose reputation you smeared, tell that person that you will write a letter to the editor of the local paper admitting your error.

To the person you stood up Saturday night, suggest another meeting: “Let’s have a drink after work.”

We especially like these two cards as a way of apologizing: This first Dempsey and Carroll card that says on the front: regrets his behavior at, which let’s you fill in (Jack regrets his behavior at your holiday party), as a way of showing that you’ve taken the time to acknowledge that you’ve misbehaved or/and hurt their feelings.

This free card here is randomly off the Internet:

–XX00

~Didi

POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE & MANNERS: GHOSTING

My question is about the etiquette + manners of ghosting. She ghosted me and I want to know why?

After meeting on social media and messaging for months followed by months of dating, she’s disappeared. It’s like I can’t believe it. Over the past six months I fell hard.

I was actually worried that something terrible had happened to her. How was I to know she wasn’t still alive? So, of course, I started stalking her on social media. What I was looking for was evidence that she was 1.) still alive and functioning, 2.) she was seeing someone else. I almost wished that she wasn’t still alive, because it would be less painful and I could mourn her.

But there were no tributes to her posted by family and friends. Her posts were the same as always about fashion and friends. Friends, whom I thought were becoming my friend as well. Although, I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking to meet any of those friends for drinks to find out why she was ghosting me.

Why? I am supposed to be an upright, secure professional; smart enough to figure out matters of the heart and win her back without enlisting outside help.

Looking back at previous relationships, it seems I’ve been the one to break it off; either because I was going away to college, relocating to another city or simply wasn’t into drinking every night. In that case, I told her that she had a problem and that if she didn’t control her drinking, I couldn’t be with her anymore. Ultimately, it was her choice, she couldn’t face the fact that she was a drunk.

As far as I could see, there was nothing wrong with my current ex or with our relationship. Not a clue of another boyfriend or that she didn’t like being with me and the sex was outrageous. When she stopped returning messages, I asked her why she wasn’t replying and to tell me what was wrong. In the past, she always replied quickly. Now, nothing.

I tried to get her to meet me, and I almost waited for her outside of work, but decided that ambushing her would put her in an uncomfortable position; especially if someone was with her. I’m not going to spy on her.

Even if she messaged me, “it’s not you, it’s me” the blow would be softened. Or if she said, “I’m really busy,” but of course I would be able to see that she wasn’t too busy to be posting on Instagram.

What should I do? Last month I bought her pearl earrings she admired for Valentine’s Day, which I should probably return.

–Jack, Brooklyn, NY

Hello Jack, Come what may, whether ghosting is a human issue or a technological one, return the pearl earrings. You can't mourn your ex-girlfriend, because she is still alive. Accept that ghosting is a ghastly dating trend and go back on the dating app and ask trusted friends to set you up. Unless she's blocked you, she'll see that you're dating again. As a last resort, simply delete your dating apps. GHOSTING (also called SUBMARINING) is a dangerous, hurtful game. Ceasing contact without so much as an "it's me, not you," is rude. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Welcome to being one of the 80%+ of millennials that admit to being ghosted.

Investigate new features, such as from Hinge, that send the message "Your Turn" as a follow-up to all messages sent. Some give fair warning: "NO GHOSTING ON BUMBLE." Use apps that encourage feedback from the recipient.

Looking for an addictive dopamine hit? We get the game being played on social media. Under the guise of introducing you to a potential mate, they keep you coming back for a fix--a dozen, two dozen more swipes. Apps that gamily search for love--sometimes in all the wrong places--that is nothing more than monogamous romance, through instant gratification of having a possible match pop up with a swipe! Is she the one?

Some see the rise in ghosting as an intrinsically technology-driven problem.
Some blame the childlike behavior (as in the childish word 'ghosting') on the narcissist who doesn't respect the rules of the game and consequently hurts other people's feelings again and again.
Others blame the game on the anonymity offered by a screen, the sense that the world is their oyster and swiping is their knife to finding the right match--after opening the oyster to find the perfect pearl they can do anything they want.
In that vein, bad behavior becomes bad manners and etiquette.

One of the first things we strive to teach children is to be sensitive to other people's feelings. Your ex-girlfriend didn't get that important lesson. Not all oysters produce pearls. Return the pearls.

~Didi

White Jeans In February?

Hi Didi,

I am going on holiday next week to Marco Island, Florida, and I am not sure if I can/should pack my white jeans? Is white alright for February in Florida?

–Lynda, Boston, MA

Hi Lynda, Fresh white jeans are always cool to wear in warm weather. It's not so much about not wearing white before Memorial Day or after Labor Day, as it is about the weight of the fabric. A crisp white shirt always looks sharp either with black in winter or blue in summer. Consider the following:

Even skinny jeans tend to be heavier in weight than a lighter fabric pant. Check the projected average weather in Marco Island, FL, in February and you'll see that it can be anywhere between 74 and 56 degrees.
Since jeans are heavier than white cotton or linen slacks, jeans would take up a bit more space in your bag.
Should you be a guest at a private club, jeans are usually verboten--not allowed, even if they're white. So, you would have to know the dress code for that particular club. A phone call or email to the club should clear that up.
If you have a pair of fresh white linen slacks or gauzy palazzo pants--and you have room in your carryon--you'll surely wear them.
Just in case, tuck a liquid stain remover pen ($2.99 at Target) into your toiletry bag.

Hope this helps. Thanks for coming to NewportManners. We're here to help. And, yes, it is appropriate to wear white jeans in February while you're in Florida. Warmest wishes,

Lynda's kind reply later today, February 1, 2019: Thank you so very much Didi, this is a great help, now I can pack tomorrow. Funny you mentioned the linen and gauzy, I'm just picking up my pair of cream and navy striped ones at the tailor today.

I always so appreciate your guidance, and love your website, I've shared it with many of my friends.

Very best,

Lynda

~Didi

THANK YOU GURNEY’S NEWPORT

Very January is descending out of the mer cold into the freezing cold.

It’s time to hunker down: nail that negotiation, strive for zen in your workspace, refresh your CV (curriculum vitae), and shop local.

Small business are hurting, especially, here on the island where many were closed for five days during the gas outage — and some may not even reopen.

On an island like Newport, the weather is the hottest topic of conversation. Have you checked the weather lately?

Mull some wine, make hot chocolate from scratch, and try to remember the last time there wasn’t a winter without a snow fall. It’s going on February and still no snow this year on Aquidneck Island!

To quote Bill Emmet,

“Talk to each other pretend it’s 1995.”

Personally, I would like to give a shout out to Gurney’s Resort for housing so many of us who were caught without gas. Despite the fact that the staff was short-handed, they did a spectacular job of making everyone happy.

The hospitality was super from the valet/bellmen, valet/bellwomen and housekeepers, to the barmen, and food providers and servers.

No, we weren’t introduced to William and Cornelius,

the two goats who live on Goat Island,

but we did hangout with some of our favorite people.

Thank you, Gurney’s Newport.

–XX00, Newport

~Didi

Very January

A ‘very January’ time of year to you too! Love you all! A special huge, huge thanks to the many well-wishers and subscribers. I missed writing to you every day and now I’m back and wondering how you’re doing so far in 2019?

How are you? What holdover from the holidays is bugging you? How are you doing on those bloody resolutions?

Holiday Leftover Peeves

What’s still ticking you off about the holidays? Did you invite a guest to your holiday party who antagonized your friends with his pro-Trump rhetoric followed by rants about Obama’s birth certificate and “fake Hillary”? And you’re still apologizing to your friends that he offended?

Did your dog attack the holiday ham just as your guests were arriving?
Do you feel you have to write thank-notes to holiday party guests who brought you a hostess gift?
Did you receive a spectacular present from a colleague you didn’t give a present to, and how did you react?
Are you annoyed at our ‘forced hugging culture’ where everyone feels they have to give-a-hug-to-get-a-hug? Or do you think it’s cozy cool?
Did your famously misanthropic brother show up for dinner with a plus one and there was no place at the already over-crowded dinner table?
Did your brother-in-law forget to bring the promised dessert?
How did you manage to get that last staggering guest to go home?
How did you handle holiday “forced hugging”?

How are those resolutions going?

Is it O.K. to drop a resolution or two? Having one resolution seems quite enough. First off, I’ve taken my daughter’s advice and now start my day with a new ritual: I drink the juice of one lemon (hopefully organic) in a cup of freshly boiled water to help balance the organs, rid toxins and neutralize any acidity.

My fav word this month is ‘tidy’.

I’m attempting to adopt tidy into my everyday life in the hope of clearing out the clutter. Not just physical clutter like a yellowing copy of the New York Times the day after Obama’s inauguration (Wow, is he handsome!), but mental clutter. Some things cannot be fixed or changed. But you can tidy-up!

2019 Resolutions

To rediscover the difference between what I want and what I need. To have all I need and want all I have.
Eat new foods.
Never forget my shopping bags or list.
Do one thing every day that scares you (me). ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Read two books a month.
Be a better listener and stop interrupting.
Don’t let anyone tuck me into a “forced hug.”
Use “Thank You” more and “Sorry” less.
Be politically more responsible.
Clean up my manners.

Past Failed Resolutions — that I’ve given up on:

Saying that I’ll cook more–I hate the cleaning up.
Saying that I’ll walk more–I hate walking in the cold.
Saying that I’ll make new friends–I don’t pay enough attention to the ones I already have.
Saying that I’ll restart a gym membership–when I hate the smell of gyms.
Saying that I’ll write every day–some days I simple cannot.
Saying that I won’t eat as much chocolate–I love chocolate.

Resolutions I’ve totally given up making:

Get more sleep.
Be a better gardener.
Be more thrifty.
Wast less time on the Internet.
Loose weight.
Entertain more.
Exercise more.
Drink less wine, but better wine.
Eat less chocolate.

Catch us up on your pet peeves and Dos + Don’ts. I bet you’ve got plenty of them, because we do.

In closing, I’ll leave you with these words of Eleanor Roosevelt, once again, “Do one thing every day that scares you!”

–Didi, Newport, RI

~Didi

HAPPY 2019!

Happy 2019!

Happy New Year’s to all our marvelous Newport Manners & Etiquette readers and subscribers. What a wonderful year 2018 was for manners and etiquette with #MeToo, and such Broadway revivals as the revered and hysterically updated MY FAIR LADY (actually at Lincoln Center), and for the many expressions of kindness we personally witnessed or viewed thanks to media around the world.

–Didi Lorillard, Newport, RI/New York, New York

We wish to share some of our favorite quotes going into the New Year: "Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one." ~ Brad Paisley "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." ~ C.S. Lewis "Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right. ~ Oprah Winfrey "And now we welcome the new year. Full of things that have never been." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke "All of us every single year, we're a different person. I don't think we're the same person all our lives." ~ Steven Spielberg "We all get the exact same 365 days. The only difference is what we do with them." ~ Hillary DePiano "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." ~ Albert Einstein

Thank you Getty Images for the above photo from, "People around the world celebrating New Year's Eve tonight."

~Didi

OFFICE PARTY DOS AND DON’TS

What are the current office party dos and don’t? I’m a long way from Oregon where holiday parties are called Christmas parties and everyone ends up dirty dancing under the mistletoe and not showing up at the office the next morning. Now that I’m an officer at corporate headquarters I want to act the part even at the office party. Help this country hick assimilate.

–Socially Ignorant in Manhattan

We've put together guidelines for Office Party Dos and Don'ts for you, because whether you're dreading your first office party or you're a veteran party animal, office parties take on a different ambience and preparation takes a certain amount of thought and planning.

Gentlemen's Holiday Party Code

Do mange to pull yourself together with a fresh shave and haircut, and do pull up those socks.

Wear a collared long sleeve shirt, and if required, a freshly presses coat (jacket) and tie.
Shine those leather shoes.
Clip those nasty fingernails, floss those teeth and check for debris in your mustache and beard.
You think that nobody will notice the coffee stain on your shirt, but they will.

Office Parties are an observation deck for anyone hoping to climb higher on the corporate ladder.

Dress for the position in the company that you aspire to in the future. If your goal is to become management, dress the way your bosses dress.

*Don't wear white socks, unless you're a tennis coach.

*Do tuck in your shirt tails.

*Don't have sex with your boss. It very rarely leads to a raise or promotion. Or any married colleagues, because word always gets out.

Ladies' Holiday Party Code

*Do wear that red dress you bought for holiday parties, if it doesn't show too much bare skin.

After all, you don't want to be the object of a coworker's affections while auditioning for advancement in the company.

*Do be well-groomed, if you're not a rock star, cover the tattoos and go easy on the piercings, if you want to be taken seriously at your job and are planning, What's next for me?

*Don't get caught under the mistletoe giving or receiving a goodnight kiss.

Everybody's Dos and Don'ts

*Do make the office party a time for you to shine and take full advantage of the option to talk to people you don't talk to on a daily or weekly basis.*Don't bring a plus one, whether it's your sister or husband, you can see them another time, this is a chance to introduce yourself to people you want to meet or get to know better.

Bringing a plus one means you're either insecure or you aren't interested in widening your circle of associates so, circulate and socialize.

*Do be sure to snack before the party so you're not caught by your boss at the groaning board with a mouth too full to talk.

The snack will have coated your stomach if you've had too much to drink.
Pace yourself by drinking a glass of water before imbibing every alcoholic drink.

*Do keep on your feet and circumnavigate the party space. Seated and not on your feet will make you appear less approachable.

*Don't interrupt two people talking. Stand on the sidelines and wait to be recognized or encouraged to join in on the conversation.

Or find a grouping of more than two people.

*Do introduce yourself by sticking out your hand and saying, "Hi, Didi Lorillard, what's your name?" Even if think the person might know your name, make sure they do by introducing yourself. Repeat their name to them so you know you've got it straight.

*Don't shake hands longer than six seconds.

It can be annoying when someone starts pumping your hand.

*Do be sure your right hand isn't cold and wet from holding a drink, by keeping your drink in your left hand.

If your hands are naturally sweaty, brush your palms against your side to dry them.

*Don't forget good manners and introduce a loner into your group. It never costs anything to be polite.

*Do use people's names in conversation so that everyone in the group learns the names.

It's an especially polite thing to do when you're not sure who knows whom.

*Don't get stuck with a complainer. It's polite to move on and circulate after saying, "Hey, there's someone I promised to catch up with," and walk away.

*Do take the loner newcomer with you to the bar to refresh your drink and introduce him or her along the way and when you get there.

*Don't forget to thank the host or hosts for the party and remind them of your name and what you do, if you don't think they would remember you.

*Do respect the timeframe of the party. If it's over at eight o'clock, leave at least five minutes early. No one should be the last person standing at the bar.

*Don't gossip or say anything unkind about anyone as you never know who may be listening.

*Do be sure to get to work on time the morning after the party or they'll suspect that you're a drunk.

Act smart at an office party by asking your coworkers about themselves, their families, and holiday plans,
You can even use the opportunity to set up a work related conversation over lunch or on a call at another time.
Many of us simply don't enjoy talking shop at the shop while attending a social gathering, so ask for their calling card or offer yours to them. Look at theirs earnestly before making a comment and placing it on you or in your bag.

Do be a friendly guest but Don't publicly paw all over somebody -- no matter how well you know them or how much you like them. Most important:

Not everyone likes to be pawed over in public.
After the six second handshake, keep your hands to yourself.
Resting your hand on someone's shoulder or holding them around the waist at an Office Party could make the recipient of your affection feel extremely uncomfortable.
BroHugs should be fast -- as in the Obama hug.
Kisses are best stopped as a quick peck on the cheek.

~Didi

SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS — BRINGING HOME THE GIRLFRIEND

Our son is bringing home his girlfriend of three months for Thanksgiving and I’m concerned about how to handle sleeping arrangements. She can stay in the guest room and he can be in his old room, but how do I say this without appearing stuffy? We’ve had no indication as to whether they’ve had sex or not, but we’ve met her once and liked her very much.

They’ll be with us for three nights and we don’t want them to feel that they have to sneak around. On the other hand, we don’t want them to assume that we think that they’re having sex. They are in their early thirties and he’s our only child so we haven’t come across the situation lately.

How do we discuss this with them without appearing judgmental or meddling?

–Fuddy Duddy Parents, Boston

Dear not-so Fuddy Duddy parents, your son and his friend are in their early thirties and he's bringing her home for the holidays. Assume they're having sex, but offer separate rooms -- if you happen to have a spare. Assume he'll leave his bag in his room and she'll keep her's in another room. Leave plenty of space to allow them to have privacy.

When your son comes in the door with his bag, say,"Your room and the guest room are both made up, so you can put the bags in both rooms, if you like." Acknowledging that they both can have private space during the long weekend will show your respect for their relationship. And that you're not necessarily assuming they are having sex.

Take the focus off the sleeping arrangements because they may be as apprehensive about their sleeping in your house as you are.
Don't take her to her room, let your son lead the way.
Tell her to let you know if she needs anything, such as more towels or bottled water.
Don't turn down the beds for them as a way of ordering them which beds to sleep in.
Let your son and his girlfriend choose where they sleep.
Remind them to help themselves to food and beverages.
Once they've settled in, make her comfortable by asking her if she has any food allergies and to be sure to tell you if there is anything she cannot eat.

Especially during the holidays -- when our roles as parents becomes especially stretched and stressed -- focus on making good lasting memories. Relax, light a fire, provide a leisurely breakfast.

Most importantly, be good memory makers, so that they'll wish to come home again.

Happy Holidays from,

~Didi

IS A FIST BUMP OR ELBOW BUMP GOOD ETIQUETTE?

My question is about whether or not a fist bump or elbow bump is good etiquette?

I always wonder how to react after you’ve said, “Hi,” because I must confess that I’m becoming slightly germaphobic. The holiday germ spreading season is upon us, and I’m not what you call an air kisser. I’m going to either kiss you or not, but what I don’t want to do is shake hands. No matter how much I like you.

Fisting doesn’t make sense because germs are still on the hands.

After a recent tennis game, where it is customary to shake hands after you’re through playing, I begged off shaking hands with the excuse that I had a scratchy sore throat. Without having thought it through, I said I probably caught the bug from one of my small children, and that I didn’t want to spread germs. But wouldn’t my germs be on any tennis balls I’ve touched? Probably.

My opponent quickly suggested an elbow bump and we touched elbows. We lifted our right arms and bumped elbows. Fine with me. But at a holiday gathering with a wine glass in one hand, fisting or elbowing doesn’t feel like proper manners. What’s the good etiquette alternative?

–Elizabeth, Charleston, SC

Elizabeth, a fist bump or elbow bump is good etiquette when two people agree to the bumping of those body parts. When socializing we usually don't have the option of discussion when a pair of heavily liquored lips smack you in the face at a holiday gathering. You initiate politeness by trying to dodge having that kiss land target on your lips by hoping the offering of a cheek will do. But perhaps we should be questioning: why does the other person feel they have a right to initiate that kiss in the first place? It is so controlling. Especially when they raise their eyes to see who is watching you being kissed -- an all too familiar act between near strangers -- by a friend, but not a bedfellow.

You asked about the good etiquette, which has always been that the woman extends her hand first for a handshake, or offers a kiss on the cheek by cocking her head, initiating the physical contact. Perhaps she'll be rebuffed, but it is her purgative. Unlike the elbow or fist bump, which more than likely has been agreed upon.

When a person senses that the person they've just run into is going in for a full body hug, he or she stretches out their right arm, and points to their bent elbow.

The person going in for the greeting hug picks up on the body language, captures the nuance ritual as his own, and bumps elbows.

Stick to the hygiene:

Elbow bump and fist bump where two people touch elbows or fists are both informal ways of greeting someone you already know or whom you know of through a mutual friend..

In 2004, it was Shaquille O'Neal who first demonstrated the derivative nature of the elbow bump in relation to the fist bump when meeting up with Kobe Bryant.

By 2009 'elbow bump' was considered for word of 'the year' by the NEW OXFORD AMERICAN DICTIONARY.
Interest in the elbow bump as an informal greeting took hold during the 2006 avian flu scare, the 2009 swine flu outbreak, and by the time of the 2014 Ebola threat, USA health officials were supporting the use to prevent the spread of germs.
By 2011, The World Health Organization and The Association for the Advancement of Science -- as well as many colleges -- had already endorsed and encouraged the elbow bump as the polite customary greeting.

Obviously at a holiday party you're probably not going to be offering an elbow bump while coddling a cocktail in your other hand. But you can use your free hand to stave off the awkwardness of an unwanted kiss by gently placing that hand on the other person's shoulder to keep your space at an arm's length distance.

Then. if you must, in the moment say, "You wouldn't want to catch my scratchy throat." Or, "You wouldn't want what I'm just getting over." And they won't.
Personally, as a greeting, I'm a big fan of the queen's wave. A slight wave of the right hand mimicking the blade on your windshield during a drizzle. It helps to keep that modicum of distance in a busy gathering, or when bumping into someone in the neighborhood.

~Didi

iPad TIPPING — Etiquette for iPad Tipping

Are we at a tipping point for the end of the tipping jar, because they’re being replaced by iPad tipping? I find it excruciatingly humiliating to be confronted with being corralled into tipping. In the past I usually tossed change into the tipping jar for my morning coffee. Now I’m being asked to choose between tipping 10%, 15%, 20% or to click No Tip – on top of the cost of my coffee.

It makes me angry to know that the person behind me in line, who by the way is breathing down my neck anxious for his coffee, is gazing over my shoulder to see which option I’m going to choose. In other words, whether I am a curmudgeon or not.

It usually depends upon my mood. If the coffee is to stay and the barista has decorated my latte with a heart, her creativity is rewarded.

On the other hand if the coffee is handed to me in a paper cup with the top not secured, I’ll skip the tip.

With a meal I’ve ordered to go, I would rather put a dollar in the tip jar and not have to decided whether or not the wrapped sandwich I’m taking back to the office is good or not, because I haven’t tasted it yet! However, if I’ve instructed no mayonnaise and lots of mustard, I’ll assume I’ve been listened to and I’ll tip according.

Served that same sandwich, or any meal, in a seated restaurant I can judge my tip on how well the food was prepared and presented. Is the sandwich bread burned black when I asked that it be lightly toasted? Is the lettuce wilted? Was yesterday’s reheated pizza for customers today?

–Mr. Curmudgeon, Chicago

Hello Mr. Curmudgeon, dispute the fact that iPad tipping for takeout is unfair when you have to pay for food and/or a beverage before you know what the product will taste like -- there is no going back.

Purchase takeout food from a place that you know well and tip accordingly.
If you don't know the place, give the counter people a token of your appreciation by way of the tip jar, opt for 10% on the iPad, or simply click on No Tip.
Upon your return, the mer fact that you're returning should be a signal to you that you liked the food well enough to try it again, and tipping on their iPad won't feel as awkward.

I must admit I used to get ticked when forced into deciding on an iPad tip. iPad tipping seems to bring out the stinginess in all of us.

Tipping should make you feel good, not manipulated. If you're feeling grouchy and you haven't sampled the food and/or beverage before, don't tip.

But when you return tip generously to make up for your stinginess.

Another way of looking at iPad tipping is: "Well, if that were me or my child or friend doing the serving, I would want customers to tip me, him or her."

The answer for germaphobes - and who isn't one? - is to pay for such services and goods in cash, so you don't have to touch the iPad. But then of course germs are on the money -- so go wash your hands.

~Didi

CHOOSING A MONOGRAM — Or Wedding Logo

How do we go about choosing a monogram or logo for our wedding stationery? One that we can use for the wedding invitation and other wedding stationery, as well as for our thank-you notes and letter paper or correspondence cards going forward.

–S+P, New York, New York

To S+P, when choosing a logo or monogram that reflects who you are, whether it's just for one of you or for you both as a couple, have fun with it in good taste. There are online companies to help you choose a monogram or logo, as well as those that will create one specifically for you.

This gold monogram (upper left) with the letter S entwined with a P represents the first letters of the last names of the bride and groom as they appeared on their wedding stationery and invitation.
Whether you choose to continue using the monogram or logo on letter paper or correspondence cards--or even linens and bar glasses--once you're married is something you can decide as time goes by.

Here are some of my favorite samples of monograms and logos we've recommend and used at Newport Manners & Etiquette that were created for various friends and clients.

This first monogram below with four initials represents a couple who use their own last names. The monogram forms a line of her first and last name initials followed by his (no middle initials).

As you can see, these monogram and logo designs, their shapes and colors, were created to reflect the combined personalities of the couple.

Start by going on to the websites of the various stationery greats such as Dempsey & Carroll and The Printery in Locus Valley, NY, etc. to get an idea of what speaks to you, what gives you that "It's us!" go-head feeling.
There are, also, excellent online stationers such as Paper Culture and Minted where you can choose a monogram free of charge.

For additional information, you are welcome to click on Ask Didi at the top of this Home page, and I'll give you an even more personalized response.

~Didi