Employer-Employee Archives - Newport Manners

Lustful Advances from The Office Flirt
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Lustful Advances from The Office Flirt

My question is about how to handle a the office flirt.

There is a gorgeous woman in my office who makes overly friendly, unwanted, and even salacious advances toward me.

Everyone knows we are both married so when coworkers see her sitting on my desk or rubbing my leg under the table I look the other way. When colleagues rib me, saying, “You lucky dog,” and want to know what’s going on, I tell the truth. Nothing. She’s the office flirt. How do I stop her advances and keep my job? She’s my boss.

–Name Withheld

Come clean with the office flirt. Tell your gorgeous boss that it makes you uncomfortable when she plays footsie under the table. Ask if you can just be friends. When she hears the word "friends," she may well back off. Negotiating the relationship will most likely buzz kill any lusts for romance. Non-monogamies are increasing in popularity and it has become acceptable for women in the workplace to be living a lifestyle more like a man in terms of sex.

Women often take the lead in finding new couples to swing with, because it is less threatening when the woman makes the first advances and does the foreplay. Find out her intentions.

There are couples in good marriages who engage in sex with new partners or multiple partners and seem to manage it. You could always suggest a designer relationship that is agreed upon by you and your wife and your boss and her husband.

Boundaries would need to be hashed out between the four of you to design the kind of relationship that works for all of you so that jealousy doesn't become an issue.

Nonetheless, if monogamy isn't working for your boss, she may be so self-involved that asking her about swinging wouldn't appeal to her. Then you're really off the hook on swinging. Sex is 90% of a bad relationship, 20% of a good one.

If she thinks swinging will enhance her marriage, perhaps it will, but it will not solve the problem for you.

If your boss is lascivious because she doesn't have a good relationship with her husband, any assignation is going to end badly. So if your boss rebuffs your bid to be "just friends," you'll have to find out why. If you and your wife aren't into swinging, tell her that.

Bringing up these two options may well put an end to your boss's lustful advances.

Either way, she may playfully continue to tease you. Then you can always say, "Good morning, my friend, what's up?"

~Didi

What To Do When Your Boss Is Toxic
Creative Etiquette Solutions

What To Do When Your Boss Is Toxic

My question is about having a toxic boss.

Once again, I’m disappointed by my yearly loyalty raise. The thought of waiting a whole year for the next job review is depressing me. Despite the fact that my review went very well, that excellence won’t be reflected in my paycheck. We’re all down in the dumps and talking about moving on. I love my coworkers, but the boss is toxic. When he’s in a lousy mood, his atrocious moodiness spreads like a really bad cold virus. At the end of the day, we take home the toxicity.

–Ashley, Providence, RI

Your question about your toxic boss is a common one. Here are facts you need to know:

According to Social Security records, the average 'loyalty' raise is 2.5%.
Job changers can make more than 10% a year; if you change jobs every few years you'll be ahead of the game.
Taking into consideration the stage of your career should be a factor.
For the first decade your salary should double; the second decade it may increase 50%; the third decade your income stops growing; the fourth there will be a slight decline.
Again, according to Social Security records fewer that 2% of employees double their income from the third decade on.

My point is that you need to take these simple facts into consideration and move on. Since you get along well with your current co-workers, you'll most likely get on well with new ones.

Keep your job while you look for a fresh opportunity, because it is easier to find a new position when you're already employed.

Here are some tips to get you on your way:

Getting a raise should not be a once-a-year exercise.
Have a one-on-one conversation with your boss this week to discuss what your success looks like and find out what is key to your boss in the coming year.
How is (s)he looking to take the company?
This is not a once a year conversation.
Get an update at every quarter.
Keep a record of these discussions.
Find out what you should be making from Comparably, GetRaised, Payscale, or Ziprecruiter.
Check out the new app Switch, which is the Tinder of job searching. Hired.com is a marketplace where companies bid and compete for the most talented workers.
Have a back-up plan when you're told the budget doesn't include raises.
When there are no raises proactively look for projects or initiatives of value: flexibility to work from home, mentorship, partial payment for an executive MBA, a rotation in another division or overseas assignment, etc.
Women continue to earn less than men; they are not as likely to ask for a raise because they know they are seen as less attractive employees than men who asked.
If you're given the raise you deserve, don't spend it; investing it forges greater confidence.

Consider gracefully leaving an unsatisfying do-nothing job. Take the initiative to kick-start your career. A recent Gallop Poll found that fewer than a third of employees answered that they were actually "engaged" in their job. The New York Times recommends the best selling book on the subject, MASTERING THE ART OF QUITTING, by Peg Streep and Alan Bernstein, as the latest guide to finding happiness through being more improvisational. images-38

~Didi

Yearend Review – Employee-Employer Relationships
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Yearend Review – Employee-Employer Relationships

I’m scared I won’t get my well-deserved excellent yearend review. I’ll never get the image out of my head. During the office Christmas party, I walked in on my boss engaging sexually in one of the office restrooms. I went down to another floor to use the washroom and get away from the revelers. He obviously had the same idea to get some distance. When I saw them I immediately turned around, walked out and went home. I knew I was doomed. Can my job be saved?

–Anonymous

Forget the doom and gloom. It may not ruin your yearend review. When you see your boss, remember that you did not invade your boss's privacy. You didn't force a locked door or crawl under a stall to spy. If he doesn't bring it up, you shouldn't either. Actively start looking for another job, but don't jump ship until you find one that's worthy of you. He would be a super creep if he didn't give you a great recommendation in return for your loyalty and silence.

~Didi

Returning to Work Etiquette
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Returning to Work Etiquette

My question is about going-back-to-work etiquette.

Going back to work after a mean divorce and raising three wonderful children — mostly on my own, because my ex distanced himself emotionally after he lost his job and his career took a nose dive. We dated in high school and through college before getting married. I’m fine, and ready, willing, and able to get back to work.

My problem is that I have a gap in my résumé a mile long. At least that’s what it looks like to me, and I’ve worked in human resources. What is the best etiquette for dealing with this decade breach in my career?

–AJ, Boston, MA

Straightforwardness is the best protocol for back-to-work etiquette. Yes, you've been out of the workplace. However, you haven't been living in a Buddhist monastery. Anyone with kids is hip to new trends, styles, and technology, or they haven't been paying attention to the culture while raising a family. images-159

It is considerably better to explain any hiatus in your career than withhold the information that you've been caring for three children.

Even though research shows evidence of unfair hiring practices toward stay-at-home parents re-entering the workforce, forget about the "don't ask, don't tell" approach.

Describe that it was a difficult decision to make and that you have no regrets because you learned a lot (elaborate on how the experience may have related to your field). Your reason for staying home might have been as simple as not being able to find affordable, skilled childcare. Be as honest as possible. Unknown-26

Don't forget that any future employer is well aware of the fact that you could file an anti-discrimination suit and won't bring up the hiatus on his own. That doesn't mean you shouldn't bring up the information.

On the contrary, not bringing up the subject of your interval could actually lower your chances of being hired. You could find that because of the existence of Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 that established a Commission on Equal Employment Opportunity (amongst other purposes), the interviewer may not want to broach the subject.
Title VII provides that an individual can bring a private lawsuit against a company that employees 15 or more employees, for 20 or more weeks a year, within 180 days of learning of the discrimination.

Dispel the mystery. You weren't imprisoned for bank fraud or institutionalized for drinking. Be up front about who you are. You were teaching your children survival skills.

There is no need to apologize or explain because you took time off to raise your children and now you're eager to get back to work.

A recent hiring process study of 3,000 on-line participants, showed that when applicants revealed their reason for their hiatus they were 30-40 percent more likely to be offered the job. Once the reason for the gap is out in the open, you both can stop walking on egg shells and talk about the job and why you would be the right fit.

A single mother should be prepared for one legitimate objection. If she has young children and the job requires travel, early mornings or late nights, the interviewer might think that her family could intrude on the quality of her work, and she is not a good fit.
Have a good answer worked out ahead of time.

Only talk briefly about how during that lapse you were doing freelance work and volunteering. Many working mothers do one or the other or both.

Even the interviewer herself, could be doing pro bono work on the side: for instance, teaching Sunday school or volunteering at a soup kitchen.

From recent Pew Research Center studies:

About 4-in 10 Americans say women are held to a higher standard than men when it comes to getting top jobs.
60% of highly educated women at the end of their childbearing years have had two children or more, up from 51% in 1994.
In 46% of two-parent families, both mom and dad work full-time.
Among mothers and fathers who have taken a significant amount of time off from work to care for a family member, women are much more likely than men to say it hurt their career overall. Even so, about nine out of ten mothers and fathers say they are glad they did it.

~Didi

3 Simple Guidelines for Office Parties
Creative Etiquette Solutions

3 Simple Guidelines for Office Parties

What are the guidelines for an office party? This year we’ve been told employees are not getting a year-end bonus because repairs have to be made to the building. However, we suspect that some people are secretly getting bonuses. To improve morale the company is hosting a holiday party with a buffet dinner and open-bar in an Italian restaurant, which is several steps up from our usual holiday party.

Honestly, most of us would rather have the cash than the party. In the past the office party was only for employees. Would it be bad etiquette to ask if we can invite our spouse, or partner, since this is a night out rather than a BYO — consisting of a couple of glasses of warm plonk wine or beer and cold, greasy pigs-in-the-blanket held in the main conference room?

–KW, Providence

What you need to keep in mind is that before the year-end bonus there were only rowdy holiday office parties where it was sporting to sweet talk a secretary into a wet kiss while the 'male room boy' puked in the men's room. Then the office party plus the year-end bonus, which caused jealousies, became the norm. Now both are too much, everybody's pulling back and simplifying. Since the wheels are already in place for the holiday office party, you don't want to mess with that. Nonetheless, there are three beneficial things you can do.

Early next fall organize a couple of your coworkers to lobby for a year-end bonus instead of a party for next December -- even if the bonus isn't as hefty as in the past.

In the meantime, you can definitely ask if the dinner invitation for this year is for you and your spouse/partner, because it is a night out away from your partner. Look at it this way, if the boss were inviting you for dinner at his house, your partner would be included in the invitation.

Lastly, since you're not receiving a bonus this year, why not request a year-end performance review; if the review is good or better, ask for a raise.

3 simple office party guidelines everybody knows:

Don't get drunk. Don't say embarrassing things to your boss's partner. Don't get caught kissing in the utilities closet.

~Didi

Email Etiquette Update
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Email Etiquette Update

My employees don’t know how to send a decent email. Not just to me, but their emails to clients are often, brisk, rude, sloppy and either too friendly or cold, or too long and wordy. I would like to send an email around to the staff with guidelines as to how to write a decent email. What are the dos and don’t for an email?

–E.M., Providence, RI

If need be, you can forward this answer to your employees as a staff memo. Subject: Email Guide for All Employees If you're taking the time to write an email, you want to make it easy for a busy person to read and respond in a timely fashion. Brevity and personalizing are key to catching the recipient's attention. Always make use of the subject line: A quick tax tip (or question); Lunch October 12th?; Here's the info you asked for. After opening a long email, how often do you Save it to read later? You then forget about it. Right? To avoid having your email deleted or forgotten, put yourself in the recipient's shoes and assist him or her in assessing -- at a glance -- if your email is: 1. spam, 2. too time consuming, and 3. a matter of interest to them: What does he want from me? What can this person (you) do for me? To hold their attention, make it a Me-mail about him or her and not only about you, by using a subject line about them: You'll like this proposal or Info for your vacation. In other words, make the first glance a helpful hint to what comes next. Then use a personalized salutation, such as Dear George, or Dear Mr. Magoo, and you've made them feel special by respectfully addressing them by name -- and don't address anyone as "Hey dude." In business, never use a greeting or opening line such as Hi or Hey, as in "Hey, what do you think of this business plan?" Instead, use his name and write, George, this plan can work for you. The only time you wouldn't need a greeting is when the email is to a good friend or relative with whom you communicate frequently. They know you by your email address and you're dialoguing about Thanksgiving plans or a movie you're going to see. But still give them the heads up in the subject line to peak their interest or to assure them that your message is brief: Quick tax question or What time is lunch today? Lead with an introduction. Even if you've met the person once or twice, introduce yourself. "We met at lunch with David Crawford two weeks ago. You were looking for someone to restore your house and I'd like to set up an appointment." Throw out a date and time and he'll come back with the best day for him. Include a link to your website where he can see houses you recently restored. Whether the goal of the email is simply to make contact, ask a favor, or to give a persuasive sales pitch, write brief, focused emails in short sentences within short paragraphs. You don't want their interest to wane, because brevity is always more persuasive. Instead of including an infographic and/or image within the text, be efficient and provide a link they can download and look at later. In closing, ask for a response by a certain time or date: Can you let me know by the end of the day (as long as today isn't a Monday or Friday) or Before we can go forward with our plan, we'll need a reply by October 1st. You can follow up once, because they may have missed your first email, but a second follow-up can be annoying. Encourage the recipient to respond immediately by adding a request for confirmation, as in Please, confirm your current contact, is a polite way of pushing for an immediate reply. Most importantly, before pressing Send, proofread your email for spelling and grammar and edit out any redundancy by asking yourself: Am I being a repetitive bore? How can I make this e-mail shorter -- a quicker read? And yet have even more intent focus? Also, don't forget to monitor your tone. Does your email reflect a bit too much your grouchy mood, Monday morning blues, or Friday afternoon ebullience? Always use a respectful closing: Kind regards, Kindest regards, Most sincerely, Cheers (for friends), or even Let's keep in touch. Instead of cc-ing or blind copying your email, your message will look special -- and not as though it is part of a mass emailing -- if, after sending it to the recipient, you forward it to others from your Sent box. Beneath your closing, include your full name, title, company, address, phone number, website and email address, but hold back on the social media buttons, logos and never use emoticons, because many of us think they're silly and/or unprofessional.

~Didi

When The Office Bully Is The Boss’s Wife
Creative Etiquette Solutions

When The Office Bully Is The Boss’s Wife

We are employees at a family-owned business who have a major problem with the owner’s wife, who is bossy, critical, and cruel. There is obviously something off and odd about her. Her comments and actions are inappropriate, mean and way off-base. She’ll pat one of us on the butt and laugh. She’s started making jokes about one of us gaining weight by pointing to his gut and making a lewd comment She has asked one of us to pick up her dry cleaning and another to take her cat to the vet to have her claws trimmed, neither of which is in their job description. The part-time HR person is her aloof daughter, so is it proper protocol to talk to her or can we talk to the crazy woman’s husband, our boss?

It isn’t just the personal attacks. She forgets important things related to the business and then blames one of us when she’s shirked a responsibility. How do we handle this delicate matter politely? We really like our boss. We don’t want to lose our jobs by complaining.

–Anonymous, Portland, OR

When the office bully is the boss's wife and she is as wacky as you say, her husband and daughter won't be surprised to hear what you're telling me. Decide which one of you will make an appointment with your boss. Whoever is elected to the task should start the conversation by saying he has been delegated by some of the other employees to speak to him. Have a mental list of examples to illustrate the problem of his wife not being able to follow through on her responsibilities. Then gently bring in the other incidents. Your boss will realize that his wife shouldn't be coming into work any longer. Tell him that your team is sympathetic to the situation and that you cover for her, but, collectively, you think her behavior is impacting the office culture negatively. He will understand that it took a lot of courage to take the lead in talking frankly to him and, at some point in the future, he will show his appreciation. Things may not get better immediately because your boss may have to observe his wife's office behavior more closely and question some of your coworkers. The images of those personal incidents may well influence the outcome. Prepare yourself for another eventuality: looking for a new job.

~Didi

The Secret Santa Who Has Had It
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Secret Santa Who Has Had It

This secret Santa thing at the office is a real bore. We’ve been doing it for too long and nobody really cares.

How can we stop a tradition that has worn out its welcome? Every year the cost of the gift goes up. Half the time I don’t really respect the person I have to give a gift to. We all seem to think we have to keep our Secret Santa mug despite the chip and crack. How do we liven Christmas up around here?

–H.R., Detroit

Before the holidays next year take an anonymous vote to discontinue the tradition. However, on the ballot coworkers have to come up with another idea of how to celebrate the holidays with camaraderie. Such as -- Let's just have a beer after work on the appointed day. Encourage those who vote to keep the Secret Santa tradition to come up with a fresh idea, say, Foodie Secret Santa, which would mean no mugs, chotskies, and knick-knacks in favor of gourmet snacks. Who can find the hottest spiced nuts?

~Didi

Life in The Cube
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Life in The Cube

For the most part I keep my head down working eight hours a day and eat lunch in my cube. One of 520 6-by-7 foot cookie-cutter cubicles. No window or door. Four neighbors, to the north, east, south and west. I know more about my coworkers than they would want anyone to know.

I know too many secrets that are private information about medical problems. For instance, medical information the company would consider serious in terms of health insurance and promotions. There are affairs between married coworkers. One has a guy crush on our scruff-chic boss. My question is this, how do I let them know that their secrets are not safe? If I know their secrets, others must, too.

–keeping my head down, Chicago

These sound like serious secrets that would jeopardize a career. It also sounds as though you want to be nice. Go ahead on an individual basis and tell each neighbor to your north, east, south, and west that if you know their secrets, others must have heard them too. Warn them to watch what they say on the phone and in person. You better not put anything in writing or say anything while in a cubicle or corridor. Look for a silent conference room and say, "Can I have a word with you in private?" Or simply walk out with them at the end of the day to tell them. To show your sincerity show your open palms so they get the sense that you have no alterer motive or ax to grind and trust you. What you're saying is what it is and they need to listen.

~Didi

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