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  • Home
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  • About Didi
  • “NEWPORT ETIQUETTE”
  • Children’s Table Manners
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

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Children’s Table Manners

We would like help with how to improve our children’s table manners. My husband’s parents live in the south and we are spending the holidays with his southern relatives. We’re New Yorkers and our children’s table manners aren’t as good as they could be. We’re two working parents who have slacked off on enforcing good manners. Would you kindly give us some tips as to what is absolutely essential to know about children’s table manners. By the way, the kids are adorable and bright! Hope we’re not too late to try! Thank you in advance.

–Working Parents, Brooklyn, New York

It's never too late, the earlier kids get the hang of good children's table manners the better. Good manners are a life enhancing skill. It's important to make children's table manners fun with occasional prizes for best table manners and, now and then, dinner out at a restaurant to practice manners in public. As you know, adults are the role models for your children's table manners, and behavior in general. If parents lick their fingers or keep their elbows on the table, their children will think it's OK to do the same. As I don't know the ages of your children, this is a rather general introduction to children's table manners. It's important to remember that good manners vary according to many different factors, such as religion and ethnic background and rules. At the end of the day, manners are all about consideration of others. Manners are about showing kindness and respect. Here are some areas that you may wish to work on centered on family dinner; eating family holiday meals. Tips to  improve your children's table manners. You'll want to prep your children ahead of time:
  • Help the child find the chair they may be assigned to sit in at the table, after making sure they've gone to the bathroom and washed their hands. They would not sit down until the host asks everyone to be seated.
  • Whether an adult or child, if you are unsure of what to do and when to do it, follow the lead of the host(s).
  • Once seated, lay the napkin on your lap and unfold it so that it catches any food or drink that might drop or drip onto their lap and soil their clothing. The napkin is also useful for wiping hands so that the child doesn't wipe their hands on their clothing, or  wipe them on the edge of the tablecloth.
  • Good posture, sitting up straight is also helpful in keeping food from falling on clothing or in the lap.
  • Start eating when the host starts eating, or when the host announces that everyone should eat.
  • Whether drinking soup from a soup spoon or eating turkey off your plate, raise the utensil up to your mouth, and never bend down over your plate, the way a dog eats out of a dog bowl.
  • It is entirely OK to pick up a turkey leg and eat with your hands. Much the way you would eat an ear of corn.
  • Knives, forks and spoons are not waved in the air like flags at a parade. Keep the utensils on the plate when you aren't actually eating. Once a utensil has been used, it never goes back onto the tablecloth. Rest them on the plate.
  • To cut up a piece of meat into bite size pieces, stab the meat with the fork in your left hand tines down to stabilize the meat from sliding off the plate. The right hand with the knife cuts the meat into bite size pieces. Then put the knife down on the plate, return the fork to the right hand and with the fork tines pointing up, raise the fork to the mouth.
  • Asked for salt or pepper, pick them up and pass them both together, but set them down together, as a pair, for the next person to pick up and  pass. It's a silly superstition to never leave one or the other behind.
  • When the bread basket is passed your way, offer the basket to the person on your right to take a roll before taking one yourself.
  • Never butter bread/roll in mid air. Rest the bread/roll flat on the plate and spread the butter while the bread/roll is resting flat on the plate.
  • When finished eating, place the knife and fork side by side at a slant that looks like four o'clock, approximately. That way it is easier for the server to clear the plate without dropping the flatware.
  • If asked to clear the plates, don't stack them because the bottoms get yucky.
  • After dessert, try to wait patiently while everyone catches up with you (a good reason to eat slowly), or ask if you "May I please be excused." Getting through a plate of food is not a great race, because you just end up having to wait for everyone else to finish.
  • Leave the napkin loosely folded on the table and push in your chair as you leave the table.
  • Remember to thank your host when it's time to part ways.
The above tips are a good start toward improving your children's table manners. Here are a couple of tricky situations that you can continue to work on when the subject comes up.
  • When a fork falls on the floor, don't pick it up at that time, but do ask for another fork.
  • When the water glass tumbles over because the person next to you has hit it waving their arm, simply, loosely fold your napkin and place it over the spill. After the water has somewhat absorbed, the napkin can go back on your lap or stay on the table.
  • When there is a piece of gristle (a chewy, inedible part of the meat) or something else you don't want to eat, discreetly, put your napkin to your mouth to catch it and place the gristle on the rim of the dinner plate.
  • When there is a food you don't like, take a tiny bite and then spread the rest of it around the plate. Never complain about the food.
  • Keep your shoes on.
  • Excuse yourself to go to the restroom by simply saying, "I'll be right back." Leave your napkin on the table and push in your chair.
  • Never rest your head or hands on the table or wave hands or arms in the air as you talk. Simply place your hands in your lap when not drinking or eating.
  • Never pick your nose or your teeth, especially at the dinner table. Ask to be excused when you have to blow your nose. That goes along with don't lick your fingers. Use the napkin.
As situations pop up, find the considerate behavior. You, the parents, can do this as role models.

~Didi

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  • HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE
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There have been so many Holiday Etiquette 2022 concerns–all timely and important: a present that you know is a regift; a gift that costs way too much and how to reciprocate; a gift that is the same as their gift to you last year; what to do if someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them anything? And other uncomfortable situations: What about the guest who clearly has had too much to drink? What about the would-be guest who didn’t receive an invite his friend’s holiday party? To mask or unmask or stay home?

–Didi Lorillard, Newport, RI

Let's start with holiday gifts and party on:
  • What if you know that a certain gift is a regift and you say to yourself, "Why do you think I would want this? People want to be understood, if you don't know what to get someone, go to their Pinterest or Instagram account to find out what interests them: dogs, sailboats, golf, food, books, and start from there. You want the person to know that You get them. Never acknowledge it was a regift. Who Cares? It's OK, you can give it to someone else whom you know will like it:  Reduce, reuse, recycle.
  • Remember: A gift is a gesture. It says Happy Holidays, if you don't want it, pass it along. Respond with gratitude.
  • What do you do when the gift costs way too much, how to respond:  Say, "Thank you!" Don't ever make a big deal out of the fact that it must have cost them a bundle. Gift giving is a ritual. Allow the gift giver that pleasure. It is not about the cost or where they got the gift. Don't feel you have to reciprocate at the same spending level, because they don't expect you to.
  • What to do when the gift is the same as last year, for instance I was given the same purple sweater two years in a row by the same person? It's OK. You don't need to call their attention to the faux pas, to their mistake. Thank them with as much authenticity as you did last year. It's all good. It's not abut the gift. It's about the ritual. If there is a gift receipt, exchange the sweater for a different color or get something you'd rather have instead.
  • What to do when someone gives you a gift and you're caught off guard because you didn't get them anything? What do you say? "Thank you so much," and add at least one reason why you like the gift, and move on. How do you reciprocate? Say, "What I want to give you is an experience. I'd like to take you to lunch (for coffee) or buy you a drink after work, just choose the day."
Uncomfortable Situations
    Everyone takes a different stance on holidays:
  • Some people don't send cards.
  • FOMO: Some people feel left out if they didn't get invited to a Holiday Party they assumed they'd be invited to; it may have been a simple oversight.
    The ongoing debate is not what to wear, but when to gather and when not to gather.
  • Show up at family gathering but consider the weakest in the bunch, the babies, toddlers and the elderly, whose immune systems may be down. If you think you're coming down with something, don't go.
  • It's one thing for the 30s-and-40s-something age groups to gather unmasked, but when it's a gathering of the clan and there will be all ages in attendance mask-up or stay home.
  • We don't know at this point just how bad this Tripledemic will get. This season respiratory sickness from Flu and RSV are breaking records, and Covid is climbing.
  • Covid Fatigue lingers on: The experts say the winter season ahead is uncertain. As there's a lot of winter and holiday gatherings ahead, be smart about when to mask-up and when to stay home.
As for FOMO, the fear of missing out, be grateful for the things you have and savor them.
  • Savor the Holiday Season despite the fact that the economy is wacky.
  • Recycle, Reuse, Regift
  • Kindness always wins
  • Give people your time, give an experience instead of a material gift.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

PEACE, LOVE & JOY

~Didi

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COVID PROTOCOL WEDDINGS
Didi, our question is how do we deal with COVID during our upcoming wedding weekend? We’re in the midst of planning our wedding and I’m a May bride, after a year long postponement because of Covid. We thought Covid was on the wane, but apparently it’s not.
      Last night we were at a dinner party with ten other people and today we were told that one of the guests tested positive for Covid. Not only do we feel badly for this person, but now we’re worrying: What if one (or many) of our wedding guests test positive after our May wedding?
      This Covid isn’t really going away! It’s too late to postpone our wedding again and, of course, there are all the deposits, etc. Please HELP us figure out how to handle this Covid menace.
      Our families are all vaxxed and boosted, but we don’t know about our hundred, or so, wedding guests?

–May Bride & Groom, New England

Dear May bride and groom, thank you for your question about COVID wedding protocol.
      Understandably, you are awfully concerned and we, of course, are hoping you both test negative now after the dinner party. Sadly, this is a major problem for many. You are not alone in your concern.
This is what I want you to do:
  • Two weeks before your wedding send out an email blast to all the guests on your wedding website who accepted your invitation to your wedding with this request under the subject COVID.  "On your phone, please, send a photo of your CDC vaccine card to this number: _____ by such and such date" (before the first date of an event celebrating the wedding couple).
  • Then make it clear that on the day of the first wedding event they are attending (perhaps the welcoming party/rehearsal dinner), all guests have to report to the below address to be tested for COVID before joining the wedding festivities. At that time they will also be asked to show their actual CDC card.
  • Those who test negative will go forward on the guest lists for all the wedding activities. It's awful to have to do this, but in order to protect all of your guests testing negative, obviously, those who test positive won't be admitted. (In other words, they won't find a place card with their name on it.)
I know this sounds harsh, but it's a crazy world out there and there are those who think they'll never get COVID but, truth to tell: COVID is everywhere. You don't want your wedding to be known as the COVID wedding they went to in 2022 -- where even people vaxxed and boosted got COVID.
      As you know, COVID variants keep evolving. The best you can do to ease your worries is to follow the simple safety protection procedures above. It will all be fine, when you both know that you've protected your family and guests to the best of your ability during this brutal pandemic. The rest is up to them -- your guests.
      How do you politely handle the many various attitudes about COVID? You can't assume all your guests will comply. We've all learned a lot over the past two years about masking, testing, tracing and self-isolating, but not even one of the most protected people in the world, the Queen of England, is immune from COVID. As with all good manners, you want to minimize asking too much of your guests. By having clearly stated your concerns, your guests will know your concerns and will honor them.
      I've not included mask wearing here because I think mask wearing should be up to the individual guest. By asking for a texted photo of the guest's CDC card and testing each and every guest under your wedding planner's guidance, you've set protocol for a wedding in the time of COVID.
      Most of all, May Bride and Groom, you've got this! Our recommendations sounds brutal, but COVID is brutal. At least, you won't have photos of masked family and guests -- which would be your only other alternative, and which we would not recommend at this point in time.

~Didi

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Didi, what is the etiquette these days for inviting friends to a wedding shower but not inviting them to the actual wedding? Due to Covid our daughter’s wedding had been postponed. We are trying to keep everyone safe by keeping the numbers down and the wedding will be outside under an open sided tent for ventilation. Before the wedding weekend we are planning a wedding shower in our former home town to invite friends to meet the wedding couple, but we’re concerned about the wedding etiquette that says a guest invited, for instance, to the engagement party is always invited to the wedding. Is that still the proper etiquette?

Does that etiquette apply to a wedding shower?

Would it be alright to have a wedding shower that includes some guests that are not invited to the wedding?

There was an engagement party last month in the city where the wedding couple live and work for those who probably wouldn’t be making the trip to the wedding this spring. We’re trying not to leave anyone out and we want our many friends and family to know the wedding couple.

–NPW, Portsmouth, RI

Thank you for your timely question about wedding shower etiquette. The current etiquette for a wedding shower has been updated since the pandemic. Now that restrictions on the number of people allowed at a social gathering are loosening up, weddings that had been postponed are happening! The actual wedding--for the most part--is smaller and wedding couples and their families are hosting social occasions to include friends that are not being invited to the wedding. Most of the guests you are inviting to the wedding shower will understand that times are changing and that they should not expect a wedding invitation. The one part that is tricky is that if a wedding shower guest goes to the wedding website to find the wedding couple's registry to send them a present, they may feel left out of the actual wedding when they see info about the other events around the wedding: the welcoming cocktail event, rehearsal dinner, bridal lunch, ceremony, reception and post-wedding brunch. Perhaps for that very reason, you would not put the wedding website address on the wedding shower invitation, even though they could probably find the website on their own. Are we to assume that this wedding shower will be the only shower? That there won't be a bridal shower hosted by the bridesmaids? In many areas of the country the wedding shower is called the "Jack & Jill." Thank you for the timely question. We're here to help. Have fun organizing your daughter's wedding and remember that wedding etiquette is always evolving.

~Didi

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HOLIDAY PARTY MASK WEARING ETIQUETTE — EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE DURING OMICRON

Our question is about holiday party invitations, entertaining and mask-wearing.

Today is the day we had planned to send out our holiday party invitations and order a Vermont party ham, but we have no idea what to do because the new Omicron variant of Covid is spreading like wild fires in the USA, and we need to know how to party in this time of the Omicron variant? The usual suspects had been advised that we were hoping to continue our ritual holiday party – having suspended it the year before. Sadly, the biggest problem is that some potential guests are not fully vaccinated, many of whom travel around a lot. We invite mostly people from the neighborhood and close friends, but some commute into the city.

Dr. Fauci and the WHO say to only have small gatherings, mandatory mask wearing for those not vaccinating and good ventilation, and distancing. Well good ventilation isn’t possible with a fire burning in the fireplace, the thermostat up to 69 degrees, and the social awkwardness of asking people to wear a mask. We’re all sick of wearing masks. We can’t ask people to show us their CDC vaccine status and their most recent Covid test result! Do we wing it and have faith that anyone sick or who has been exposed decides not to attend our holiday party? Or do we simply call the whole thing off for another December? Everybody wants to party, especially the kids.

      Do we go back to serious mask-wearing once again and trying to decipher muffled semi-audible voices? Don’t get me wrong our family is all into the everyday etiquette of mask-wearing. Once again, especially the children who are growing up knowing that the mask protects them. We don’t want to be responsible for spreading Covid with our good cheer.

–Linda, Greenwich, CT

Yes, Linda, unfortunately it is back to mask-wearing. The good news is that government imposed restraints actually relieve a lot of anxiety. There will always be those stubborn know-it-alls that need to take a stand. In an odd way, if you're a mask-wearer, it may annoy you that those non-compliant friends feel justified, but cut them slack, have empathy toward the non-mask-wearer.
      The most important thing to remember is that we wouldn't have all the new variants Delta and Omicron if everyone in our community - and around the world - had gotten their vaccines and booster. After all, masks are not only protecting you from catching the virus they're depriving the virus of the opportunity to develop into a more harmful illness!
      Panicking can only be counterproductive. Instead, take the new Omicron variant seriously. Vaccinating, masking, distancing, ventilating, hand washing, testing and distancing are key, so if you can't offer all that protection--all those safety measures--for your holiday guests, don't put out a party ham. Think of your party dips as Petri dishes ready to host a virus.
The sooner we accept that mask-wearing
is a fact of life, the sooner it becomes habit.
When you grab your car key and cellphone,
remember to take your mask and hand
sanitizer when you leave home.

~Didi

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Bonjour Didi,

First of all Bonjour!  A conversation never starts in France without saying “Bonjour” first.  A good European Manners Tip.  I have a question for you!

What do you do when an ‘almost’ friend has painted a portrait of your dog and it is the worst painting you have ever seen. To boot, I have a collection of professional painters that have painted my Violette and they are hung in my long entrance hallway. I can’t hang this one. Honestly, not to hurt her feelings what do I do? I’m attaching a photo of my favorite painting of Violette to date.

–Cynthia, Uzès, France

Bonjour Cynthia, About your doggie dilemma. What a sticky situation to be in at the start of a new friendship. Believe it or not, people find themselves in this kind of a muddle more often than you could imagine. Especially with displays of framed photos. This is what you can do. When you know your new artist friend is coming to visit, beforehand, take down one of the paintings hanging in your long hallway and put it away. Replace it with the painting of Violette that you detest. After your new friend has gone home, hide her painting of Violette until her next visit, and rehang the painting that was there originally.
Alternatively, you could have a heart-to-heart conversation with your 'almost' new friend the artist. Ask her if she wouldn't mind spending more time on the painting of your dog. She would probably find it easier - and less time consuming - to simply paint a second painting of Violette. Then you could throw away the first painting.
  • Be sure to first tell your new artist friend exactly what you like about her painting of Violette, before detailing exactly what you don't like.
  • Even if that's a hard conversation to initiate.
Its difficult to be honest and nice at the same time, but if you commissioned the painting, you certainly have the
right to ask her for a better painting. Bonne chance!

~Didi

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QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS
How do we do the social bubble distancing? We’re bored to tears isolating. We love each other and our kids but spending every hour of every day together is too much for too long. We’ve done the Zoomtini with grownup friends and FaceTime a lot with family, but we’ve had enough of screens.
 
How can we spend time safely with friends and extended family? It seems forced and awkward trying to put together a bubble with one or two other families. Our kids’ closest friends have always been other kids they’ve been spending time with commuting in the school bus, playing soccer, lacrosse or pick up basketball. Their friendships, for the most part, didn’t include parents, except for the parents we mainly saw at home games.
 
How do we initiate the suggestion to other families and how do we know who to invite? What happens if it doesn’t work out? Or if they reject our invitation to start a bubble? How can we be sure they follow as rigidly the same social distancing and hygiene rules? How do we safely have a healthy social life again? People say they are being super careful, but are they really?

–Jennie, Brookline, MA

Hi Jennie, thanks for your questions about Quarantine Bubbles Protocol, social bubbles and social pods.
 
The risk of gathering together during the pandemic will change as time goes by. Warm summer weather is here just in time to allow for quarantine bubbles and social pods. 
 
A double bubble is where two households meet outdoors and agree to adhere to social distancing guidelines in order to increase social contact. Having a picnic in a public place or taking turns for pizza in your backyard are a start.  A household picks one other group to socialize with until lockdowns are further relaxed. 
 
The bad news: Close and numerous social interactions with friends may need to be limited until a vaccine is available to all, modeling shows, to eliminated a second peaking of COVID-19. Recent studies in the UK found that under optimistic assumptions, contacts may have to be limited to 5-10 a day outside the home, and if 10% of previous contacts were resumed we would be at risk of a second peak of the virus outbreak.
 
The good news: The prospect of being in a bubble can give your family something to look forward to. Try forming a quarantine bubble consisting of a group of people or families whose members have been safely isolating; people who can eventually begin hanging out with other extremely cautious groups, as long as everyone obeys safety guidelines and agrees to be exclusive. At least that's what many European countries are doing as they begin to ease their lockdowns.
  • For instance, in Belgium, "Two sets of four people make a 'corona bubble' who can visit each other's homes. No one else is allowed into the domestic social circle." Eventually that first bubbles enlarges as trust and caution become the normal.
The trick is to go in light heartedly but with facts, "Hey, do you and your family want to join us in our quarantine bubble?" Then you go into detail about the guidelines your family has been following, including mention of how many times a week you go to the grocery store or/and gym and explain the routines you follow. If they're interested, they'll respond by telling you their routines about ordering groceries online and doing curbside pickups. Then suggest a picnic in a public space to see how everyone behaves. 
 
If it doesn't work, it doesn't work and there will be other people interested in being part of a bubble, with the objective of eventually enlarging the bubble. Make it clear that if it doesn't click, the friendships will peter out and it will be obvious that it's time to find other people.
 
Keep in mind:
  • Social bubbles allow some social contact, while continuing to limit the risk of further Covid-19 transmissions.
  • The goal is to get to level 3 where your household bubble can include people such as close family members, care-givers or someone who needs care.
  • Beware that if the number of deaths does not continue to drop or the average number of people infected for every Covid-19 case increases, people will then not be allowed to use the bubble scheme.
  • Two sets of four people make a "corona bubble," who can visit each others houses but there are no hugs or other physical exchange like kissing.
  • In Northern Island now six people from different households can meet outdoors as long as social distancing is practiced.
  • Your social bubble is the people you live with. With extreme caution you can manage adding to your bubble.
  • Anyone experiencing coronavirus symptoms, or who is at a higher risk, should not be in a bubble, and needs to self-isolate.
As part of your first discussion:
  • When do you go out? For what reason?
  • Do you where a mask?
  • Do you keep 6 feet away from others?
  • When are you communicating with family?
  • What happens if someone in the bubble has symptoms of Covid-19?
  • What questions do you ask others?
  • What is the process for entering a bubble?
  • How would we set up protocol and etiquette?
  • What would be the protocol and etiquette?
Three things every member of the bubble must keep in mind: 
  1. There is the possibility of extending the bubble.
  2. The bubble doesn't have to be forever.
  3. The bubble gives everyone something to look forward to.

~Didi

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Socializing & Social Distancing Etiquette

Our son is home from college where, of course, he was used to being around people his own age all the time, so how do we get him to understand socializing and social distancing etiquette? Yesterday he went over to a friend’s house while he was out walking the dog. My husband pretty much blew a gasket when he found out. Were they passing joints? Were there girls there? Any kissing? Vaping? How many of their other friends were there? Why doesn’t he get it that he can’t just go to someone’s house and hang out? We understand that it was the house of someone he grew up with and they’re both home indefinitely from their respective colleges, but come on – we’re in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic!

We’re so annoyed we can’t think straight. Can you, please, send guidelines for our quite brilliant college student who appears to live in la-la land, or as the kids call it, it’s a corona-cation.

–Kathleen, Middletown, RI

Thank you for sharing your concern about the boundaries of socializing and social distancing! Yikes, that's definitely a tall order question. From the freedom of college to being trapped at home again, these kids are living a nightmare. A loss of innocents. Suddenly they have absolutely no control over their lives. It's easy to see how difficult it must be for them, those who don't remember 9/11 and watching people jump out of windows on the morning news, which many thought would change everything we knew to be sacred--but it didn't. As punishment, and he's too old for a time out, ask him to listen to The Daily, the New York Times Podcast app on his phone, daily. You listen to it on yours and then discuss what you both heard. Or make it a daily family ritual while he's having his breakfast by putting it on speakerphone--whatever it takes. Your whole family will learn some of the facts, for instance, that viruses get viruses. In our state, legally (as of today) there should not be gatherings of more than five people, and we're to keep those gatherings with the same five people.  At the moment, when only 50% are staying home. everyone needs to be compliant. As you know, with every additional social and physical contact your son has, the risk of having an encounter with an infected person goes up. Suggest the following:
  • He minimizes the number of people he interacts with physically.
  • He sticks with one friend who limits their other social contacts, too.
  • If that friend feels sick, he stays away.
  • As long as his friend is well, social contact by going for a bike ride or hike is fine, but they should keep six feet apart.
  • That means NOT sharing finger food, liquids, bodily fluids, or joints, cigarettes, e-cigs or vaps.
As soon as possible, get the baseline temperature reading of every family member. That way when someone seems under the weather, that person's temperature can be monitored closely. That said, what you should know is:
  • The significance of adult and children's temperatures differ.
  • Plus, we all have our own normal temperature baseline, based on weight, gender and activity level; it's helpful to find out what everyone's is, so it's precisely monitored.
  • Normal can be anywhere between 97.7-99.5 degrees Fahrenheit.
  • Fever is likely to be between 99.5 or 100.9 degrees Fahrenheit.
  • Hyperpyrexia would be dangerous at 104.0 or 105.8 degree Fahrenheit.
  • Baseline temperatures vary based on age, sex, physical activity and health, and whether it is taken in the mouth or armpit, which can be lower.
  • To find a person's normal, take the temperature every day at the same time for at least three days, sticking to either mouth or armpit.
The loneliness of social distancing
can be hard to handle.
Discuss the facts and the difference between social and physical distancing.
  • Know the facts, but don't overdo it, too much information can aggravate stress.
  • Put the coronavirus pandemic in perspective.
  • Refrain from blaming and shaming.
  • Ask for help, now is the time to turn toward one another.
  • Encourage him to partake in social distancing in a positive way by calling his friends to actually talk about what's happening in the world around them.
  • Discuss the difference between social and physical distancing, if, in fact, there is a difference. What does he think?
Educate your son and let him find his own boundaries once he understands the guidelines. Corona-cation is no laughing matter and he needs to handled it like an adult.
  • Advice to avoid the coronavirus through social distancing can increase the risk of physical and emotional harm from inadequate social contact.
  • But without physical distancing the virus spreads like falling dominos.
  • Prepare him for when, not if, the coronavirus strikes. 
  • He should know where to find your estate will and your living will; in the event he has to make choices for you.
  • Having a down-to-earth conversation with your son can be both heartrending and heartwarming.
  • Honoring your wishes when you are unable to do so is one of the most loving and bravest things an adult child can do for a parent..
Talk about what we lose when we don't touch?
  • Scientist call our longing for human touch "skin hunger."
  • Physical touch triggers the orbit of frontal cortex in the brain, according to Daniel Keltner, professor of psychology at University of California, Berkley. 
  • Regular touch reduces levels of stress hormones, says Tiffany Field, director of the Touch Research Institute, the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine.
  • Hugging stimulates the thymus gland regulating the body's white blood cell production, which helps fight infection, according to research at the University of North Carolina. 
  • Women who are frequently hugged have lower blood pressure, than those who are not according to research at UNC.
  • People who received regular hugs had fewer flu symptoms than participants who were hugged less frequently in a study at Carnegie Mellon University.
We must keep our physical distance to keep one another safe. Even though in a pandemic the very thing we're biologically programmed to need is also what can harm us most.

~Didi

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  • GREETING FRIENDS DURING the CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC
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GREETING FRIENDS DURING the CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC

It sure is awkward greeting friends, a person you know pretty well, on the street or in the supermarket during this coronavirus pandemic. And it could go on for six months. Gosh, I’m so happy when I see someone I know–as I’m isolated working remotely from home–but not knowing how to react to their warm smile and/or approach leaves me wondering what to do, how to react. How do we show someone we’re fond of that we’re fond of them, but no hugs.

On the verge of tears, a friend in the checkout line at the supermarket became distraught while telling me about her husband’s recent stem cell transplant and when I went to put my arm around her to hug her, we both took a double take and withdrew. With all the cares of the world on her shoulders, she offered to help carry my grocery bags to my car.

I’ve small children and parents in their sixties, so I’m deathly afraid of getting too close to anyone I run into in public, and, yet–we could all use a hug–and more groceries. Thankfully, so far we’re all well in my family, but you never know, apparently, until it hits you or a family member. We just don’t know how long this will be going on.
My natural impulse, my basic instinct, is to hug or kiss on the cheek the good friend I run into as usual, so what do we do? Well, I either stare at them waiting for him or her to make the first move or I ignore them. But the problem with ignoring them is that I know I’m going to see them in another aisle or on the checkout line, or another time when I go to the market or drugstore.
Both options seem incredibly rude.
I know it’s bad karma, impolite to give someone you know the cold shoulder, but I am more apt to put up an invisible shield and pretend I just didn’t see him or her, and assume that they’re in the same self-protective mode predicament. We’re both afraid to get too close and yet they, too, don’t know what to do. Any suggests?

–Helen, Charlottesville, VA

Hi Helen, you're right on. We're all wondering about the etiquette of greeting friends during the coronavirus pandemic. If the person is not wearing a mask and gloves and is shopping for groceries, then it is unlikely that they're dangerously ill or they wouldn't be physically able to be out and about; driving a car, and lifting groceries. And if they were ill with the coronavirus or thought they'd been exposed, they would most likely own up to the fact and tell you why they have to keep their distance from you. Although the person could be a carrier and not know he or she has been exposed to the coronavirus.
For instance, your friend told you right off about her husband's serious medical condition and having to take care of him full time. That must have triggered a respond warding you off. She can't risk being exposed to the coronavirus, because she has to take care of him.
  • Nobody wants to go in for a hug and get pushed away.  Nobody wants to be the person doing the pushing away.
 
Take the initiative and wave to him or her while keeping a distance of at least six feet--the length of a tall person. With a cheerful smile on your face simply say, "How are you doing? It's good to see you. How's the family." Then tell them that you're working remotely from home, and so far everybody seems to be OK.
  • Wave, smile and keep your distance of six feet, create your own space.
  • If the person looks as though they're about to come in for a hug, keep waving, smile and get them talking. The fact that your hand is waving will signal that you're hesitant about going in for the requisite hug. You're not waving them away, merely carving out your space.
You want your wave to be the Queen Elizabeth Wave with your hand jiggling gently from side to side, but you do NOT want your wave to mimic your car window wiper racing from left to right clearing rain drops off of your car window.  
  • Using your body language and facial expressions, let him or her know that you're thrilled to see them, but you're being cautious. So smile. Everyone wants to see a smile right now.
  •  Bringing up the subject of the coronavirus pandemic first thing will remind them as to why you're reluctant to pull them in for a hug or a kiss. Even if you don't have the coronavirus yourself and don't believe you've been exposed. 
  • Hold your pocketbook, hat, sunglasses, small child, knapsack, or shopping bag in front of you to your chest as a visual barrier.  Of course, a shopping cart  or stroller make a perfect barrier.
  • Chat with your friend warmly asking questions about their family, pet or work, or simply plan to talk on the phone after the kids are in bed.

~Didi

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  • GUEST ETIQUETTE DILEMMA: MODERNIST MANNERS
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GUEST ETIQUETTE DILEMMA: MODERNIST MANNERS
Our question is about a guest etiquette dilemma.
A lovely friend very graciously allowed us to stay in her apartment while she is away.  She evidently left in a rush.  On the nightstand is a bottle of lubricant.  Should we (1) take it so she isn’t embarrassed, (2) put it in a drawer in the bathroom so she isn’t embarrassed, (3) do nothing, or (4) assume she’s a very thoughtful hostess who thinks of her houseguests’ every need?

–ES, Park City, Utah

I like (3), but go with (4)) and leave the container of lubricant in place. Except, of course, if you use quite a bit of the lubricant, then you'll need to replace it with a fresh container -- even if you can't find the exact brand -- beside the old one (unless the old one is all used up and you've thrown it out). Just the way you would replace a bottle of wine or champagne or a six pack of beer -- even if she left the lubricant for you as a welcoming present.  Welcome her back.
That said, more importantly before you leave the apartment:  
  • (1) fold all bed linens, towels, and dish towels that you've used neatly near, on top of, or next to the washing machine.  If there's isn't a washing machine, find the laundry hamper or simply leave those linens neatly stacked at the foot of the bed. 
  • (2) empty wastebaskets and don't leave garbage distilling in the garbage can, dispense of waste properly.
Not to worry if you can't replace the lubricant with the same brand. 
  • Remember, if she's hip enough to leave her lubricant out in the open, then you shouldn't give this dilemma another thought unless you use it all up.  Like drinking her wine or coffee, you replace when you use a noticeable amount.

~Didi

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