Manners Archives - Newport Manners

Hostess Gift — To Bring or Not To Bring A Gift
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Hostess Gift — To Bring or Not To Bring A Gift

My question is about the hostess gift.

I’m joining my girlfriend at her family’s summer home in Maine this week. This is my first visit up there and I wondered whether I should bring a hostess gift for her Mom.

I’m the only non-family member attending. The roster of attendees includes her Mom, her sister and brother-in-law and their kids, and her brother and sister-in-law and their son.

I’ve known the family for decades, but haven’t ever joined them on a family trip (and certainly not in this capacity, my girlfriend and I haven’t been seeing one another for that long).

Should I bring a hostess gift? I’d be grateful to hear your thoughts.

–Brandon

Hi Brandon,

The best hostess gift would be either a beautiful box of fresh chocolates -- handmade and packaged tastefully -- that you present upon your arrival, or send flowers. Casa Blanca white lilies are a summer celebrity in many houses. A bottle of fine wine always goes down well, but would be difficult to pack, especially if you'll be taking a plane.

House Guest Don'ts

You would not send or bring a hostess gift that would be a lingering reminder of your visit, because that would seem presumptuous so early in your relationship. For instance you wouldn't bring a nicknack, a mug, vase or coasters that they would be stuck with forever as a permanent reminder that you accidentally spilled red wine on the carpet or mistakenly knocked over a favorite vase.

Whether you're sure -- or not -- about your intentions of establishing a committed relationship, do send a thank- you note on your correspondence card or a thank-you card.

When choosing a hostess gift, take into consideration the length of your visit. If you'll be with the family for more than a night or two,plan on making yourself useful by being not only a self-sustaining guest, but a considerate one.

To help your hostess with the meal planning be sure to let her know exactly when you're departing.
If you've made plans to have a meal outside the house at any point during your stay, make your plans known to her so she's not expecting you and your girlfriend for that meal.
Learn the time-frame for meals so that you're present to sit down on time.

More Dos for Fitting In As A Guest

Before making a trip into town ask your hostess if there is anything you can pick up at the store for them: milk, butter, eggs, bread, dog food, paper towels.
Offer to help with meal preparations and jump in and help with the clearing and cleaning up. My guess is that you're not there to be waited on, but to see how you fit in.
It goes without saying that you would leave your phone in your room while dining with the family.
Offer to take out the garbage, clean the grill, walk the dog.
In this situation where there are children, play ball with them. Take them for a hike, bike ride, or a swim. Join in with impromptu board and card games.
The last morning of your stay ask your girlriend if you should strip your bed and take your sheets and towels to the laundry basket. Empty your wastebasket, take any glasses or bottles to the kitchen. In other words tidy up your room.
If you've been a guest for a period of time, during your visit seek out a local florist to have flowers sent to the house after your departure.
Lastly, no matter how long your visit, simply asking, "What can I do to help?" is a terrifically considerate gift, whether you've brought a material present with you or not.

The best gifts of all is to be a self-sustaining and helpful guest. Within the first two weeks after your stay, send a thank-you note or card reminding your hosts of the most memorable moment(s) of your visit,

~Didi

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SAYING YOU ARE WELCOME
Creative Etiquette Solutions

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SAYING YOU ARE WELCOME

When did the expression “You are welcome” slide from fashion? When I thank someone for helping me in some small or large way and I say, “Thank you,” I miss hearing the reply “You’re welcome.”

How do we bring back saying, “You’re Welcome”?

–Grace, Hilton Head, SC

Don't stop using "You are welcome." Preserve the dialogue of gratitude. Keep using "You're welcome," and people won't take it for granted.

What you have to remember about saying "you're welcome," is that it ends the dialogue. What do you say in response to "You're welcome"? You don't have to say anything.

~Didi

The Politics of Pleasure — How To Talk About Bad Sex
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Politics of Pleasure — How To Talk About Bad Sex

My question is about talking about bad sex.

What is the best way to talk about bad sex? I feel I need to talk about it, but I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding as though I’m shaming him or being critical. I don’t consider myself a “Second Wave” feminist or a Twitter feminist, I just like sex.

–Name Withheld

Bad sex for women is different from bad sex for men. What the guy perceives is stress from trying to keep pace so that when he arrives at the right time and with the right tempo, he won't be too exhausted. Bad sex for a women varies from sensing disinterest to succumbing to the grinding of a workhorse.

The classic cultural conditioning of submission: his organism is requisite, hers elective. The reward is self-esteem; the price is self-respect.

As women are expected/socialized to be the emotional nannies at their own expense, our sexually illiterate culture makes it difficult to talk about bad sex and the many nuances of consent or the curves of great sex.

If he likes to read, send him this short story:

"The Cat Person," by Kristen Roupenian,
from the online New Yorker magazine:
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/12/11/cat-person.

Hopefully, after reading this sexy story he'll then be open to a discussion about the intricacies of intimate sex and gender power dynamics.

~Didi

More On Business Lunch Table Manners — Flatware and Napkin
Creative Etiquette Solutions

More On Business Lunch Table Manners — Flatware and Napkin

When you’re having a business lunch where do you put your knife and your fork when you’re taking a break from eating while discussing business? Sometimes it seems awkward resting them on the plate, but I’m never sure whether I can put them back on the table, or what?

–Harry, Philadelphia, PA

Especially during this flu season when we've all turned into germaphobes, table manners make special sense when it comes to safe gourmet hygiene.

They say that tables where people eat are germ breeders, so when you return your fork and knife to the table, instead of leaving them on your plate, you're not only leaving your germs but food that turns to bacteria on the table.
Just as you wouldn't blow your nose into your napkin and leave the napkin on the table.

Once your fork and spoon touch food and your saliva, they don't return to the table. Leave the utensils you've contaminated on your plate or in the soup bowl.

~Didi

Knowing When To Use A First Name
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Knowing When To Use A First Name

When is it appropriate to call your elders by their first name?

–OP, Chicago

Thanks for your great question asking about when it's appropriate to call your elders by their first name.

Of course, it could depend upon the age difference between you, as well as the nature of the relationship.

The protocol is that you would wait until the older person asked you to call her or him by their first name.

There are exceptions: when the elder is your relative or a long-time friend.

You've known your friend's parents since you were a small child and always called your friend's mom Charlotte and the dad Charles.

Often with parents of friends, take the cue from the formality of their friend's relationship with their parents as to how their parents wish to be addressed.

If your friend calls them "mother" and "father," then you would probably call them Mrs. Brown or Mr. Brown, unless asked to do so otherwise.
On the other hand, if your friend calls her/his parents Dick and Jane, no doubt you're already calling them Dick or Jane.

In a situation where the older person is your employer, you would wait to be invited by Mrs. Brown to call her by her first name.

Or if a fellow employee says, "It's alright to call the boss George. He likes us to call him by his first name."

When in doubt, go by the standard of protocol until the person has said to you, "Oliver, please call me Didi."

When you've known the older person a lengthy time, and you're not an employee, it is perfectly acceptable to ask, "May I call you Didi?"
Or a future daughter-in-law might say to her mother-in-law, "What would you like me to call you?" Then the mother-in-law would say, "Please, call me, Louise."

If, say, you think your mother's known your girlfriend long enough to be on a first name basis and you want Zoe to call your mother by her first name, suggest to your mother that she tells your girlfriend to, "Please, call me Louise."

Any further questions? We're here to help.

~Didi

The Taboo of Outing Death
Creative Etiquette Solutions

The Taboo of Outing Death

Talking about death is my subject.

My girlfriend has become radically dark. She talks about death even though she’s healthy and she’s only 24. I love her, but when she goes darkish, it scares me.

I don’t like to hear her talking about death all the time, What do I do?

–AG, Portland, OR

Talking about death is never pleasant.

There is a mindfulness app for that. As a Valentine's gift, for 99 cents a month, sign your girlfriend up to receive WeCroak. Each day she'll be randomly sent five chilling reminders that death is inevitable.

The subject line will be like this, "Death Makes You Happy," to remind her that time on earth is indefinite and has an expiration date.

The theory is based on Bhutanese folklore that proclaims that to be truly happy we ought to think about death five times a day.

Contemplating death is supposed to help one get a grip on life when faced with mortality.

They say talking about death helps people find inner peace.

According to the New York Times, talking about death is trending when apps such as WeCroak reminds over nine thousand users five times a day that they can find inner peace by reminding them that they're going to die through the words of, perhaps, the Zen poet Gary Snyder.

Mostly in their twenties and thirties, they're breaking the taboo of talking about death.
The reminders arrive "at random times and at any moment just like death," writes Bianca Bosker in The Atlantic.

If your girlfriend is using her iPhone as a source for clarity and peace, instead of as a stressful distraction, WeCroak could make her happier.

According to a survey by the research firm Discout, your girlfriend may be trying to get away from checking her phone 76 (the average) times a day (roughly about two and a half hours), in the hope of finding the here and now.

Bosker concluded: "Amid growing concerns over phone fixation, Silicon Valley has, in typical fashion, proposed technology as the solution; there are now more than 1,000 mindfulness apps designed to help us disconnect."

Other mindfulness apps:

Headpeace: which has been downloaded over 18 million times, provides mediation sessions led by a former Buddhist monk.
Calm: this app is all about guided mediation with soothing soundtracks and has had over 14 million downloads.

~Didi

Trump’s Profanity Is Ill-Mannered and Poor Etiquette
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Trump’s Profanity Is Ill-Mannered and Poor Etiquette

My question is about President Trump’s profanity.

What do you tell your teenagers when they ask you why the president of the United States gets away with using foul language and having sex with prostitutes when they’re not allowed to use vulgar words?

–EL, Providence

About presidential behavior, specifically President Trump's profanity.

To quote the New York Times, "Trump has turned the culture wars upside down." It's blowback.

We're revisiting the naughty nineties, a decade of sexual scandals and cultural upheavals.

In Michael Wolfe's book Fire and Fury, Steve Bannon is quoted as telling the author about Trump's lawyer Marc Kasowitz: "Kasowitz on the campaign -- what did we have, a hundred women? Kasowitz took care of all of them."

We have a president who paid off a porn star for sex while his new wife was having his baby! (Don't tell your teens that.)

We are living in a brutal sexual culture. Clearly, talking straight about sex to your teens is necessary, and, yet, you don't want to sensationalize bad behavior.

~Didi

Why Not Get Your Etiquette Together and Act Grateful
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Why Not Get Your Etiquette Together and Act Grateful

What’s the drill on thank-you notes and returning a gift you don’t like?

Can I email words of thanks to people, or do I have to actually buy a box of thank-you cards to write out? Especially, when you haven’t asked for a gift or expected a gift and you don’t really like it?

Also, when your mom gives you a sweater made by a popular brand, do you have to keep it? Every year she gives me a sweater that I never wear, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

–EM, Newport, RI

Act grateful. Wow, not feeling vibes of gratitude here.

At least people were thoughtful to give you something! Grow up. Grownups send thank-you emails and texts to people they are on an email and text basis with. When acknowledging special gifts, that attractive box of thank-you notes comes in handy.

It is all about giving thanks. How you say "thank you" reflects your lifestyle and the sincerity of your appreciation. Find a motif that fits your soul, there are certainly a wide range out there whether you're feeling snowed-in, seeking shade under a palm tree or simply want to remind the giver of a Newport attraction.

If you don't like the gift and are having trouble exchanging it, call or text the person to say you would like to return the sweater for a different style, color, size -- or all three.

Make a list of who you want to thank and cross off the names as you send your thank-you.

~Didi

2017 Briefly Revisited
Creative Etiquette Solutions

2017 Briefly Revisited

What did you learn about yourself in 2017? With the prevalence of #MeToo and the Time’s Up movement, what can you tell us?

–CL, Peabody, MA

Reflecting on 2017

Just to give you the heads up, I'm not a life coach.

A couple of years ago a childhood friend called me from Thailand, where he lives as an expatriate, to tell me that he was sorry that he had assaulted me sexually and he wanted to make amends and apologize.

Quite frankly, I had tried to put that nightmare behind me and hearing from him opened the wound, but at the same time gave me closure.

He didn't rape me, but it was quite a struggle trying to control his drunken aggression.

The best news about him is that he hasn't had a drink in forty years.

That embarrassing incident taught me to watch for signs when someone is loosing control and walk away immediately. Get out.

Tell someone, anyone, what happened so that the two of you are not the only people who know about what happened.

Beauty-wise, the easiest to talk about:

Makeup you've been using for decades starts to fail as skins fall and doesn't hydrate or illuminate the way they used to. No matter the price, liquid makeup is not your friend. After the first half hour, it makes wrinkles look deeper.

It is more enlivening to highlight eyes, lips, and cheekbones.

Nothing is less flattering than a man or woman over sixty who dyes their hair darker to look younger. It doesn't work because we know you dye your hair, so stop fooling yourself. You're not fooling us.
Having been body-shamed as a child scars you for life, so let go of fretting about your weight and accept a body image that is less stressful.
The sun is not your friend. Wear sunscreen year-round.

Money-wise over the years, the hardest to talk about:

Education is the key to success. It is constructive knowledge. If you don't fully understand the economics of a well-lived life, you will never be satisfied with your situation.

Family-wise:

There is nothing more important in life than family. Life is too short to hold grudges. When you role model taking great care of your family, family doesn't forget the quality time you spent just on them.

Career-wise:

Education, education, education. Pushing children to reach their potential will make them happier citizens.
Choosing a woman mentor, who was probably much harder on my job performance than a male mentor would have ever been -- because male mentors usually have alternative motives for mentoring -- was far more beneficial to my career.

Health-wise:

Generally speaking, people with a passion for a life-long sport are healthier physically and mentally.

Fashion-wise:

Dress your age.
Darker solid colors are more practical and complimentary.
V-shaped necklines and vertical stripes and lines are the most flattering.
Try wearing a push-up bra.
If you have a long neck, good legs and/or arms, flaunt your assets.

Friendship-wise:

Lecturing people on the fact that meditating will make them ten percent happier, or being gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, exercising and practicing yoga more, and fad diets usually backfire with people who make excuses why they don't do it.

At the end of the year, set goals for 2018, but making New Year's resolutions you probably won't keep can be self-defeating. Only 17% of resolutions made are kept.

On the other hand, if you turn the goal into a resolution, you have a ten percent chance of success, especially if the goal is specific.

For instance, use the goal meditate as your password.

What to fight for in 2018: Top Seven

National children's health care and dental care funding
Higher minimum wage
Obama Care
Social Security and Medicare
Funding for HIV/AIDS
Funding for Alzheimer's research
Defending climate control

~Didi

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