- HOLIDAY PARTY MASK WEARING ETIQUETTE — EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE DURING OMICRON
- Creative Etiquette Solutions
The sooner we accept that mask-wearing
- Doggie Dilemma: Friendship
- Creative Etiquette Solutions
Doggie Dilemma: Friendship
Bonjour Didi,
First of all Bonjour! A conversation never starts in France without saying “Bonjour” first. A good European Manners Tip. I have a question for you!
What do you do when an ‘almost’ friend has painted a portrait of your dog and it is the worst painting you have ever seen. To boot, I have a collection of professional painters that have painted my Violette and they are hung in my long entrance hallway. I can’t hang this one. Honestly, not to hurt her feelings what do I do? I’m attaching a photo of my favorite painting of Violette to date.
–Cynthia, Uzès, France
Bonjour Cynthia,
About your doggie dilemma. What a sticky situation to be in at the start of a new friendship. Believe it or not, people find themselves in this kind of a muddle more often than you could imagine. Especially with displays of framed photos. This is what you can do.
When you know your new artist friend is coming to visit, beforehand, take down one of the paintings hanging in your long hallway and put it away. Replace it with the painting of Violette that you detest. After your new friend has gone home, hide her painting of Violette until her next visit, and rehang the painting that was there originally.
Alternatively, you could have a heart-to-heart conversation with your 'almost' new friend the artist. Ask her if she wouldn't mind spending more time on the painting of your dog. She would probably find it easier - and less time consuming - to simply paint a second painting of Violette. Then you could throw away the first painting.
- Be sure to first tell your new artist friend exactly what you like about her painting of Violette, before detailing exactly what you don't like.
- Even if that's a hard conversation to initiate.
Its difficult to be honest and nice at the same time, but if you commissioned the painting, you certainly have the
right to ask her for a better painting. Bonne chance!
~Didi
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- BLACK TIE OPTIONAL — WEDDING DRESS CODE
- Creative Etiquette Solutions
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BLACK TIE OPTIONAL — WEDDING DRESS CODE
I am from Florida and have been invited to a black tie optional wedding in Newport. The ceremony is at 1:30 pm and the reception is at 5:30 pm at The Bohlin. Am I supposed to wear 2 different dresses?
–MH, Florida
The dress code Black Tie Optional is rather confusing. You want to be dressed appropriately, and yet, not overdressed -- nor underdressed. Additionally, having the ceremony three to four hours earlier than the reception leads one to wonder if one needs to dress down for the ceremony and then hours later dress up for the reception: A two outfit wedding? That's thought provoking for most of the guests.
The Black Tie dress code request asks all who identify as male to wear a tuxedo. In Newport we're a bit more laid back with the dress code Cocktail Attire being the most popular. Cocktail Attire is a step down from the dress code Black Tie Optional.
First off, I go to the website of the venue to look at recent wedding photos to get a sense of the formality of the facility. Is the reception taking place in a ballroom at one of the fancy mansions, or is it a more casual affair on one of the docks on the harbor?
Secondly, ask the bride or someone close to the bride about the length of the bridesmaids' dresses. If they are long, you can wear a long dress, if the dresses are short, you can wear short. If the reception is on a yacht then you wouldn't wear an evening dress and stiletto heels; you would wear a more comfortable outfit.
By looking at The Bohlin in Newport website (the company organizing the wedding you're attending) photos, you'll see that the wedding may be taking place on a very cool dock on the harbor front under a tent. Most likely not in a ballroom at one of the fancy mansions, for instance. You'll also notice in the photos that many of the men are wearing white (or khaki) trousers and navy blue (or colored) blazers, which is considered Cocktail Attire. Don't be deceived into thinking it is a very formal wedding by photos showing a formally dressed wedding party; the wedding party is overdressed so they stand out and look uniformed in the formal photos.
You would only be expected to wear a formal evening dress if there was to be a seated dinner (called a candlelight dinner) with a starting time closer to eight o'clock.
In a nutshell, you would not be expected to change into an evening gown for a 5:30 reception.
When in doubt wear a lovely cocktail dress or a long dress that is more casual than formal, but still of good quality and design.
Also, the wedding couple's wedding website should make note of the dress codes of the various events surrounding the wedding.
You say the invitation mentions that Black Tie is an option, so, again, you can assume that it is not the most formal of weddings.
Google the actual venue address for photos of recent wedding to see how guests are dressed at receptions at that location: for instance go to Rosecliff weddings Newport that caterers to the most formal weddings and then to the dockside terrace in the marina The Bohlin where more casual receptions are held.
Basically, that seemingly long period of time between the end of the ceremony and the start of the reception allows for wedding photos of just the wedding party.
If you go with a short dress, you can wear a hat to the ceremony, but not to the wedding reception; adding jewelry, such as dangling earrings for a more festive evening look at sunset.
Tip: You may be happy that you brought along a warm pretty shawl or stylish long sweater to Newport in late spring.
~Didi
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- QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS
- Creative Etiquette Solutions
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QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS
How do we do the social bubble distancing? We’re bored to tears isolating. We love each other and our kids but spending every hour of every day together is too much for too long. We’ve done the Zoomtini with grownup friends and FaceTime a lot with family, but we’ve had enough of screens.
How can we spend time safely with friends and extended family? It seems forced and awkward trying to put together a bubble with one or two other families. Our kids’ closest friends have always been other kids they’ve been spending time with commuting in the school bus, playing soccer, lacrosse or pick up basketball. Their friendships, for the most part, didn’t include parents, except for the parents we mainly saw at home games.
How do we initiate the suggestion to other families and how do we know who to invite? What happens if it doesn’t work out? Or if they reject our invitation to start a bubble? How can we be sure they follow as rigidly the same social distancing and hygiene rules? How do we safely have a healthy social life again? People say they are being super careful, but are they really?
–Jennie, Brookline, MA
Hi Jennie, thanks for your questions about Quarantine Bubbles Protocol, social bubbles and social pods.
The risk of gathering together during the pandemic will change as time goes by. Warm summer weather is here just in time to allow for quarantine bubbles and social pods.
A double bubble is where two households meet outdoors and agree to adhere to social distancing guidelines in order to increase social contact. Having a picnic in a public place or taking turns for pizza in your backyard are a start. A household picks one other group to socialize with until lockdowns are further relaxed.
The bad news: Close and numerous social interactions with friends may need to be limited until a vaccine is available to all, modeling shows, to eliminated a second peaking of COVID-19. Recent studies in the UK found that under optimistic assumptions, contacts may have to be limited to 5-10 a day outside the home, and if 10% of previous contacts were resumed we would be at risk of a second peak of the virus outbreak.
The good news: The prospect of being in a bubble can give your family something to look forward to. Try forming a quarantine bubble consisting of a group of people or families whose members have been safely isolating; people who can eventually begin hanging out with other extremely cautious groups, as long as everyone obeys safety guidelines and agrees to be exclusive. At least that's what many European countries are doing as they begin to ease their lockdowns.
- For instance, in Belgium, "Two sets of four people make a 'corona bubble' who can visit each other's homes. No one else is allowed into the domestic social circle." Eventually that first bubbles enlarges as trust and caution become the normal.
If it doesn't work, it doesn't work and there will be other people interested in being part of a bubble, with the objective of eventually enlarging the bubble. Make it clear that if it doesn't click, the friendships will peter out and it will be obvious that it's time to find other people.
Keep in mind:
- Social bubbles allow some social contact, while continuing to limit the risk of further Covid-19 transmissions.
- The goal is to get to level 3 where your household bubble can include people such as close family members, care-givers or someone who needs care.
- Beware that if the number of deaths does not continue to drop or the average number of people infected for every Covid-19 case increases, people will then not be allowed to use the bubble scheme.
- Two sets of four people make a "corona bubble," who can visit each others houses but there are no hugs or other physical exchange like kissing.
- In Northern Island now six people from different households can meet outdoors as long as social distancing is practiced.
- Your social bubble is the people you live with. With extreme caution you can manage adding to your bubble.
- Anyone experiencing coronavirus symptoms, or who is at a higher risk, should not be in a bubble, and needs to self-isolate.
- When do you go out? For what reason?
- Do you where a mask?
- Do you keep 6 feet away from others?
- When are you communicating with family?
- What happens if someone in the bubble has symptoms of Covid-19?
- What questions do you ask others?
- What is the process for entering a bubble?
- How would we set up protocol and etiquette?
- What would be the protocol and etiquette?
Three things every member of the bubble must keep in mind:
- There is the possibility of extending the bubble.
- The bubble doesn't have to be forever.
- The bubble gives everyone something to look forward to.
~Didi
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- OUTDOOR SOCIAL DISTANCING MANNERS — COVID-19 Etiquette
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OUTDOOR SOCIAL DISTANCING MANNERS — COVID-19 Etiquette
What is the etiquette for social distancing outdoors in terms of greeting and meeting during COVID-19?
How can we make the experience of going out to exercise less anxious and more friendly without seeming snooty or overly friendly. Everyone I am about to encounter either walks out into the street to avoid me or ignores me by looking in the opposite direction or at his feet.
–Jason, Providence, RI
Thank you, Jason, for your timely question about outdoor manners and etiquette in the time of COVID-19. Cabin Fever! We're all eager to get out of the house to walk, run, ride a bike, skateboard or buy groceries. When will this all be over? How do we keep active in a COVID-19 reality--our Pandemic Summer--while the country fortifies itself for the next phases of the pandemic, that will more than likely last until 2021.
Personally, I feel as though my house is on fire and nobody told me to get out. Never in my lifetime, except for 9/11, have manners been more important. There's nothing new here.
Respecting the space of others, respecting the time others spend helping one with mail, groceries, take out, curbside pickup or placing an order have never been more appreciated. It doesn't cost you anything to be nice.
With summer in the near horizon, the urge to get out and about will be even greater.
How can we make the whole experience of going out and about less anxious and more friendly when we're hiding behind masks?
Because even teleworking from home, you're hiding behind a mask, or for that matter behind a computer screen of cellphone, that's no justification for rudeness. The customer service on the other end of the phone may be half way across the country, but she or he still has to go home to the same situation of isolation that you may have.
In my children's high school there is a rule that is honored to this day. When passing someone--anyone--in the corridor, the stairway, the crosswalk, the sidewalk, bike or running trail, great each other. Whether you know them or not. Then keep walking.
Just because you extend a greeting, even though you may not know their name, it doesn't mean you're obligated to chat them up. In fact, chatting is hard to do nowadays when you're six to twelve feet apart. Just a reminder:
- Give right of way. The person on the right has the right of way. It's right to give right of way to the person on the right. When passing on a sidewalk or steps, the person closest to the street gives the person closest to the building or railing the right of way--even if she or he has to move out onto the street.
- Greet even strangers with one word: Hi, Hello, Hiya! We're all in this together, whether we like it or not; their life right now probably isn't any easier than yours whether they're pushing a stroller, carrying groceries, or skateboarding.
- Patience has never been more of a virtue.Always use please and thank you. To anyone and everyone who assists you in any way -- from holding the subway door open to bringing out your curbside grocery order to you.
- Smile to ease their pain and yours -- even if they can't see your smile through your mask.
My mask protects you;
your mask protects me.
Please feel free to text me with additional
suggests for these times at
#917-816-0800.
~Didi
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- Socializing & Social Distancing Etiquette
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Socializing & Social Distancing Etiquette
Our son is home from college where, of course, he was used to being around people his own age all the time, so how do we get him to understand socializing and social distancing etiquette? Yesterday he went over to a friend’s house while he was out walking the dog. My husband pretty much blew a gasket when he found out. Were they passing joints? Were there girls there? Any kissing? Vaping? How many of their other friends were there? Why doesn’t he get it that he can’t just go to someone’s house and hang out? We understand that it was the house of someone he grew up with and they’re both home indefinitely from their respective colleges, but come on – we’re in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic!
We’re so annoyed we can’t think straight. Can you, please, send guidelines for our quite brilliant college student who appears to live in la-la land, or as the kids call it, it’s a corona-cation.
–Kathleen, Middletown, RI
Thank you for sharing your concern about the boundaries of socializing and social distancing! Yikes, that's definitely a tall order question. From the freedom of college to being trapped at home again, these kids are living a nightmare. A loss of innocents.
Suddenly they have absolutely no control over their lives. It's easy to see how difficult it must be for them, those who don't remember 9/11 and watching people jump out of windows on the morning news, which many thought would change everything we knew to be sacred--but it didn't.
As punishment, and he's too old for a time out, ask him to listen to The Daily, the New York Times Podcast app on his phone, daily. You listen to it on yours and then discuss what you both heard. Or make it a daily family ritual while he's having his breakfast by putting it on speakerphone--whatever it takes. Your whole family will learn some of the facts, for instance, that viruses get viruses.
In our state, legally (as of today) there should not be gatherings of more than five people, and we're to keep those gatherings with the same five people. At the moment, when only 50% are staying home. everyone needs to be compliant.
As you know, with every additional social and physical contact your son has, the risk of having an encounter with an infected person goes up. Suggest the following:
- He minimizes the number of people he interacts with physically.
- He sticks with one friend who limits their other social contacts, too.
- If that friend feels sick, he stays away.
- As long as his friend is well, social contact by going for a bike ride or hike is fine, but they should keep six feet apart.
- That means NOT sharing finger food, liquids, bodily fluids, or joints, cigarettes, e-cigs or vaps.
- The significance of adult and children's temperatures differ.
- Plus, we all have our own normal temperature baseline, based on weight, gender and activity level; it's helpful to find out what everyone's is, so it's precisely monitored.
- Normal can be anywhere between 97.7-99.5 degrees Fahrenheit.
- Fever is likely to be between 99.5 or 100.9 degrees Fahrenheit.
- Hyperpyrexia would be dangerous at 104.0 or 105.8 degree Fahrenheit.
- Baseline temperatures vary based on age, sex, physical activity and health, and whether it is taken in the mouth or armpit, which can be lower.
- To find a person's normal, take the temperature every day at the same time for at least three days, sticking to either mouth or armpit.
The loneliness of social distancing
can be hard to handle.
Discuss the facts and the difference between social and physical distancing.
- Know the facts, but don't overdo it, too much information can aggravate stress.
- Put the coronavirus pandemic in perspective.
- Refrain from blaming and shaming.
- Ask for help, now is the time to turn toward one another.
- Encourage him to partake in social distancing in a positive way by calling his friends to actually talk about what's happening in the world around them.
- Discuss the difference between social and physical distancing, if, in fact, there is a difference. What does he think?
Educate your son and let him find his own boundaries once he understands the guidelines. Corona-cation is no laughing matter and he needs to handled it like an adult.
- Advice to avoid the coronavirus through social distancing can increase the risk of physical and emotional harm from inadequate social contact.
- But without physical distancing the virus spreads like falling dominos.
- Prepare him for when, not if, the coronavirus strikes.
- He should know where to find your estate will and your living will; in the event he has to make choices for you.
- Having a down-to-earth conversation with your son can be both heartrending and heartwarming.
- Honoring your wishes when you are unable to do so is one of the most loving and bravest things an adult child can do for a parent..
Talk about what we lose when we don't touch?
- Scientist call our longing for human touch "skin hunger."
- Physical touch triggers the orbit of frontal cortex in the brain, according to Daniel Keltner, professor of psychology at University of California, Berkley.
- Regular touch reduces levels of stress hormones, says Tiffany Field, director of the Touch Research Institute, the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine.
- Hugging stimulates the thymus gland regulating the body's white blood cell production, which helps fight infection, according to research at the University of North Carolina.
- Women who are frequently hugged have lower blood pressure, than those who are not according to research at UNC.
- People who received regular hugs had fewer flu symptoms than participants who were hugged less frequently in a study at Carnegie Mellon University.
We must keep our physical distance to keep one another safe. Even though in a pandemic the very thing we're biologically programmed to need is also what can harm us most.
~Didi
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- GUEST ETIQUETTE DILEMMA: MODERNIST MANNERS
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GUEST ETIQUETTE DILEMMA: MODERNIST MANNERS
Our question is about a guest etiquette dilemma.
A lovely friend very graciously allowed us to stay in her apartment while she is away. She evidently left in a rush. On the nightstand is a bottle of lubricant. Should we (1) take it so she isn’t embarrassed, (2) put it in a drawer in the bathroom so she isn’t embarrassed, (3) do nothing, or (4) assume she’s a very thoughtful hostess who thinks of her houseguests’ every need?
–ES, Park City, Utah
I like (3), but go with (4)) and leave the container of lubricant in place. Except, of course, if you use quite a bit of the lubricant, then you'll need to replace it with a fresh container -- even if you can't find the exact brand -- beside the old one (unless the old one is all used up and you've thrown it out). Just the way you would replace a bottle of wine or champagne or a six pack of beer -- even if she left the lubricant for you as a welcoming present. Welcome her back.
That said, more importantly before you leave the apartment:
- (1) fold all bed linens, towels, and dish towels that you've used neatly near, on top of, or next to the washing machine. If there's isn't a washing machine, find the laundry hamper or simply leave those linens neatly stacked at the foot of the bed.
- (2) empty wastebaskets and don't leave garbage distilling in the garbage can, dispense of waste properly.
Not to worry if you can't replace the lubricant with the same brand.
- Remember, if she's hip enough to leave her lubricant out in the open, then you shouldn't give this dilemma another thought unless you use it all up. Like drinking her wine or coffee, you replace when you use a noticeable amount.
~Didi
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- INTRODUCING PEOPLE: MEETING & GREETING — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
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INTRODUCING PEOPLE: MEETING & GREETING — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
I’m concerned that I’m not introducing people properly. What is the proper way to introduce someone? How do you know who to introduce first? Who to shake hands with first when you’re in a mixed gender social or business situation?
My work colleague and I disagree on introducing etiquette and we’d like to have your advice.
–TG, Boston
Hello TG,
In postmodern etiquette, I'm of the opinion that a woman is always introduced first. She stretches out her arm and hand for the first handshake.
When there is more than one woman,
I would shake the hand of
the closest woman to me first.
In a situation where there
is an elderly person,
I would shake her or his hand first.
The exception socially would be if there was an elderly person or a known elected, appointed, or ordained official, such as a pope, senator, mayor, or rabbi. Although not a doctor or soccer coach. But in a formal situation, perhaps, a principal, headmaster, or the president of the New York Stock Exchange would be introduced first -- regardless of gender.
- A transgender person would be identified by his or her first name, and if that's not clear because she or he is introduced as Brook, Alex, Alexis, Jackie, Jamie, Kelly, Lee, or Leslie, Morgan, Pat, Robin, Taylor, etc., the combination of their hair style, makeup, and clothing might possibly give you a clue.
- So those who identify female would take the lead in introducing and shaking hands first.
- In an all women or all men situation, the person who knows the person introduces their friend or colleague, even if s/he may know him/her by reputation only.
- INTRODUCE YOURSELF: When the person you're with forgets to introduce you, step forward and say your name along with a tidbit of information to connect you and perhaps get the conversation going. "Josh Goodrich, George and I work together at GL&C."
Example: Make it clear when you will be my child's teacher and I am to call you Mrs. Spencer, and not Mary. By labeling yourself as Mrs, saying, "I'm Mrs. Spencer, I'll be your son's teacher next year." Then I know to teach Georgie that he has to call his teacher "Mrs. Spencer."
Introducing is key to networking.
Etiquette in business is
more important than you can imagine.
Relationship labels
Whether at work or play when introducing someone it is polite to identify your relationship as "my friend Amy," or "my office mate, Josh," or "work husband, Jeff."
- In work situations, labels can be tricky. Is the person you're with your boss, your underling, your coworker? Best to label him or her as your "colleague"; "We work together," "We're on the same team at ..." "We used to both work at ..." "We met at Stamford."
- In social situations, labels can be much dicer. Apparently, it's never "cool" to give a romantic unmarried relationship a label. Hopefully, at some point, after you've moved in together, you have the "What are we conversation," about how to label your relationship to make it less confusing for new, as well as old, acquaintances. Even if the relationship isn't "traditional" -- we all know that everyone does intimacy differently. Sometimes the pace is confusing, sometimes you just know. But give us a clue: "I want you to meet my girlfriend, Amy Scott." "Eric and I live together and he's the father of my two kids."
Social faux pas:
"It's nice to meet you!"
- If you're meeting someone for the first time, how do you know that it is nice to meet them? You don't, unless ...
- If your friend had previously told you how nice the guy is, then you can say, "Jake says you're a great guy (a hard worker, a super good tennis player)."
My point is this: try to be more creative -- even if you say, "Great tie," or "Beautiful scarf "... That's more original than saying "nice to meet you."
Meeting and greeting
struts your style
and sets the tone,
for better or for worse.
At the end of a meeting or double date, you can say, "Nice meeting you," or "It was great getting to know you."
Personal note:
Recently when I was introduced to a married couple the husband was introduced to me first, along with the nature of the connection that he and his wife shared with the person who was introducing us.
I made a horrible faux pas.
The husband stuck out his hand to shake mine, but I shifted toward his wife and shook her hand first, before shaking his. Was it a faux pas? In my mind, I knew to shake the hand of the wife first. What do you think?
~Didi
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- PHUBBING aka PHONE SNUBBING: THE SOCIAL FAUX PAS — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
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PHUBBING aka PHONE SNUBBING: THE SOCIAL FAUX PAS — POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE
How do I convince my girlfriend to breakup with her phone? It’s a real bore. She’s constantly checking it even when it pings with a text she could read later. Since she doesn’t wear a watch, she says she needs to know the time when she sees me watching her check her phone.
She can’t sit through a full-length movie or have an uninterrupted conversation, let alone a night out alone just the two us! Not only that, but she gets upset with social media and group texts. Last night she went ballistic after discovering she had been left off of a group text even though she was told it was a mistake, and she couldn’t give up her anger!
With a glance she’ll throw me the old “mmhmm,” once in a while pretending she’s listening, but I hardly consider that a conversation.
It’s like there are three of us in our relationship! Any ideas?
–PK, Brooklyn, NY
Cellphones may not be an addictive substance but they definitely are a species-level environmental shock. The good news is, digital wellness is on it's way! There are many solutions in the form of new devices to help unhook the brain from the harmful routines of smartphone use. and hooking it on to other ways to spend time, such as reading a real book, practicing yoga, etc.:
- "Light Phone" - sets limits on time-stealing apps.
- "Digital Detox" packages - are available in luxury hotels ($295.)
- Set up mental speed bumps by putting a scrunchie or rubber band around your phone to make you stop and think before using.
- Or change the screen lock to one that asks three questions: Why now? What for? and What else?
- Be alone with your thoughts and pay more attention to your surroundings instead of your phone.
- Toss out apps that don't make you happy.
- People who don't charge their phones in their bedroom, use them less.
Detox will make one more attentive to being present in the moment, and able to spend more time listening--and less easily distracted. They say the average person picks up their phone 50 times a day as a way of coping with boredom and anxiety. UGH!
How you go about telling someone
to try some of these remedies?
Try them yourself.
- Start with agreeing to stop charging phones in the bedroom.
- Take 24 hours during a weekend for a joint "trial separation" from your phone(s).
- The next step is a get-away-weekend without your six-inch glass-and-steel rectangles.
- Make a goal of one hour a day for cellphone use--perhaps picking up your phone only 20 times.
- When suddenly finding yourself sucked into your phone--self-correct.
Look people in the eye and listen when they talk.
What to say about the poor etiquette of phubbing:
- Phubbing is snubbing the one you're with.
- Hey, put down that cellphone! You're snubbing me!
- Stop phubbing your partner.
- Get it into your head that phubbing is a bad, modern-day habit.
- 79% say phubbing hurts their ability to interact with their partners.
- Using a handset while with a partner undermines the quality of the relationship.
- Researches say phubbing is a relationship buster up there with money problems, bad sex and having kids.
- There are increasing numbers of people in long-term relationships that feel they must compete with their partner's smartphone for attention.
- Are you a nomophobe (no-mobile-phone phobia)? Scared to be without your mobile phone?
RELATIONSHIP TIPS FOR PHONE ADDICTS
- Keep the phone away from you on silent; for instance in a tote bag or backpack or up on a shelf.
- When you feel you have to check on something legitimately important, give an explanation to your partner first and then check your phone.
- Never be defensive when you get called out for technoference (the interference of technology in couple relationships)--it's somebody's way of telling you they'd like to connect in person.
Sorry you're feeling phubbed,
now do something about it, and
I don't mean installing a signal blocker
in your living room or bedroom.
~Didi
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- POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE & MANNERS: GHOSTING
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POSTMODERN ETIQUETTE & MANNERS: GHOSTING
My question is about the etiquette + manners of ghosting. She ghosted me and I want to know why?
After meeting on social media and messaging for months followed by months of dating, she’s disappeared. It’s like I can’t believe it. Over the past six months I fell hard.
I was actually worried that something terrible had happened to her. How was I to know she wasn’t still alive? So, of course, I started stalking her on social media. What I was looking for was evidence that she was 1.) still alive and functioning, 2.) she was seeing someone else. I almost wished that she wasn’t still alive, because it would be less painful and I could mourn her.
But there were no tributes to her posted by family and friends. Her posts were the same as always about fashion and friends. Friends, whom I thought were becoming my friend as well. Although, I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking to meet any of those friends for drinks to find out why she was ghosting me.
Why? I am supposed to be an upright, secure professional; smart enough to figure out matters of the heart and win her back without enlisting outside help.
Looking back at previous relationships, it seems I’ve been the one to break it off; either because I was going away to college, relocating to another city or simply wasn’t into drinking every night. In that case, I told her that she had a problem and that if she didn’t control her drinking, I couldn’t be with her anymore. Ultimately, it was her choice, she couldn’t face the fact that she was a drunk.
As far as I could see, there was nothing wrong with my current ex or with our relationship. Not a clue of another boyfriend or that she didn’t like being with me and the sex was outrageous. When she stopped returning messages, I asked her why she wasn’t replying and to tell me what was wrong. In the past, she always replied quickly. Now, nothing.
I tried to get her to meet me, and I almost waited for her outside of work, but decided that ambushing her would put her in an uncomfortable position; especially if someone was with her. I’m not going to spy on her.
Even if she messaged me, “it’s not you, it’s me” the blow would be softened. Or if she said, “I’m really busy,” but of course I would be able to see that she wasn’t too busy to be posting on Instagram.
What should I do? Last month I bought her pearl earrings she admired for Valentine’s Day, which I should probably return.
–Jack, Brooklyn, NY
Hello Jack,
Come what may, whether ghosting is a human issue or a technological one, return the pearl earrings. You can't mourn your ex-girlfriend, because she is still alive. Accept that ghosting is a ghastly dating trend and go back on the dating app and ask trusted friends to set you up. Unless she's blocked you, she'll see that you're dating again. As a last resort, simply delete your dating apps.
GHOSTING (also called SUBMARINING) is a dangerous, hurtful game. Ceasing contact without so much as an "it's me, not you," is rude. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Welcome to being one of the 80%+ of millennials that admit to being ghosted.
- Investigate new features, such as from Hinge, that send the message "Your Turn" as a follow-up to all messages sent. Some give fair warning: "NO GHOSTING ON BUMBLE." Use apps that encourage feedback from the recipient.
- Some see the rise in ghosting as an intrinsically technology-driven problem.
- Some blame the childlike behavior (as in the childish word 'ghosting') on the narcissist who doesn't respect the rules of the game and consequently hurts other people's feelings again and again.
- Others blame the game on the anonymity offered by a screen, the sense that the world is their oyster and swiping is their knife to finding the right match--after opening the oyster to find the perfect pearl they can do anything they want.
- In that vein, bad behavior becomes bad manners and etiquette.
~Didi
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