Family Archives - Newport Manners

Good Manners for Children
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Good Manners for Children

What are the basic good manners for children? It’s about time we got down on our kids manners. Especially table manners. Is there some sort of ultimate guide to good manners for children? If so, please, what are they?

–puzzled parents, Washington, DC

We parents understand the importance of modeling good manners for children from a young age. Teaching good table manners is a crucial aspect of their social development and contributes to their overall growth as polite, considerate individuals. Here are some tips and strategies for cultivating excellent table manners in children. Lead by Example -- Children are keen observers, and they learn a great deal by watching the behavior of adults around them. Demonstrate good table manners that you want to instill by consistently practicing them yourself. Use polite language, chew with your mouth closed, keep your elbows off the table, allow them to ask if they can be excused, and show respect for others during meals. Start with the Basics -- At an early age, children are ready to grasp the fundamentals of table manners. Teach them how to use utensils properly, encouraging the use of both a knife and fork when appropriate. Emphasize the importance of sitting up strait and keeping elbows off the table. Napkin Etiquette -- Teach your children how to use a napkin. Show them that they place their napkin on their lap and spread it out to cover (and protect) their clothing (so their shirt or pants don't get stained) before the meal begins and to use their napkin to wipe their mouth when necessary. Reinforce the habit of not playing with or crumpling the napkin during the meal. Before leaving the table they loosely fold the napkin and place it to the left of their plate. After asking if they can be excused, they push in their chair. Encourage Conversation -- Mealtime is a golden opportunity for family bonding. Encourage your children to engage in conversation by asking open-ended conversations about their day. Teach them to listen actively and wait for their turn to speak. This not only enhances their social skills but also makes meals more fun. No Interrupting Zone -- Instill the value of patience and respect by establishing a "no interrupting" rule during meals. Teach your children to wait for an appropriate break in the conversation before sharing their thoughts. This helps foster a considerate and harmonious dining environment. Explore Different Foods -- Use mealtime as a chance to broaden your child's palate. Introduce them to a variety of foods, and teach them to express their dislikes politely. Encourage them to try new things while also being respectful if they choose not to finish a particular dish. When having a meal at a friend's house the child should not say they don't like something unless they are asked. Helpful Clean-Up Responsibility -- Good table manners includes taking responsibility for one's space. Teach your children to clear their plates and participate in cleaning up after meals. This habit reinforces a sense of accountability and teamwork. Praise and Positive Reinforcement -- Acknowledge and praise your children when they display good table manners. Positive reinforcement goes a long was in shaping good behavior. Create a positive and encouraging atmosphere around the dining table, whether you're sitting at a fast food restaurant or their grandparents' holiday table. In a Nutshell -- as you well know, in the formative years children are sponges, absorbing information and behaviors from their surroundings. By focusing on teaching and reinforcing these fundamental table manners, parents and caregivers contribute to the development of respectful, considerate, and socially adept individuals. Cultivating good table manners is not just about proper etiquette; it's an investment in the lifelong skill of effective communication and respectful interaction. Check in with us again as we delve deeper into Good Manners for Children.

~Didi

Children’s Table Manners
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Children’s Table Manners

We would like help with how to improve our children’s table manners. My husband’s parents live in the south and we are spending the holidays with his southern relatives. We’re New Yorkers and our children’s table manners aren’t as good as they could be. We’re two working parents who have slacked off on enforcing good manners. Would you kindly give us some tips as to what is absolutely essential to know about children’s table manners. By the way, the kids are adorable and bright! Hope we’re not too late to try! Thank you in advance.

–Working Parents, Brooklyn, New York

It's never too late, the earlier kids get the hang of good children's table manners the better. Good manners are a life enhancing skill. It's important to make children's table manners fun with occasional prizes for best table manners and, now and then, dinner out at a restaurant to practice manners in public. As you know, adults are the role models for your children's table manners, and behavior in general. If parents lick their fingers or keep their elbows on the table, their children will think it's OK to do the same. As I don't know the ages of your children, this is a rather general introduction to children's table manners. It's important to remember that good manners vary according to many different factors, such as religion and ethnic background and rules. At the end of the day, manners are all about consideration of others. Manners are about showing kindness and respect. Here are some areas that you may wish to work on centered on family dinner; eating family holiday meals. Tips to improve your children's table manners. You'll want to prep your children ahead of time:

Help the child find the chair they may be assigned to sit in at the table, after making sure they've gone to the bathroom and washed their hands. They would not sit down until the host asks everyone to be seated.
Whether an adult or child, if you are unsure of what to do and when to do it, follow the lead of the host(s).
Once seated, lay the napkin on your lap and unfold it so that it catches any food or drink that might drop or drip onto their lap and soil their clothing. The napkin is also useful for wiping hands so that the child doesn't wipe their hands on their clothing, or wipe them on the edge of the tablecloth.
Good posture, sitting up straight is also helpful in keeping food from falling on clothing or in the lap.
Start eating when the host starts eating, or when the host announces that everyone should eat.
Whether drinking soup from a soup spoon or eating turkey off your plate, raise the utensil up to your mouth, and never bend down over your plate, the way a dog eats out of a dog bowl.
It is entirely OK to pick up a turkey leg and eat with your hands. Much the way you would eat an ear of corn.
Knives, forks and spoons are not waved in the air like flags at a parade. Keep the utensils on the plate when you aren't actually eating. Once a utensil has been used, it never goes back onto the tablecloth. Rest them on the plate.
To cut up a piece of meat into bite size pieces, stab the meat with the fork in your left hand tines down to stabilize the meat from sliding off the plate. The right hand with the knife cuts the meat into bite size pieces. Then put the knife down on the plate, return the fork to the right hand and with the fork tines pointing up, raise the fork to the mouth.
Asked for salt or pepper, pick them up and pass them both together, but set them down together, as a pair, for the next person to pick up and pass. It's a silly superstition to never leave one or the other behind.
When the bread basket is passed your way, offer the basket to the person on your right to take a roll before taking one yourself.
Never butter bread/roll in mid air. Rest the bread/roll flat on the plate and spread the butter while the bread/roll is resting flat on the plate.
When finished eating, place the knife and fork side by side at a slant that looks like four o'clock, approximately. That way it is easier for the server to clear the plate without dropping the flatware.
If asked to clear the plates, don't stack them because the bottoms get yucky.
After dessert, try to wait patiently while everyone catches up with you (a good reason to eat slowly), or ask if you "May I please be excused." Getting through a plate of food is not a great race, because you just end up having to wait for everyone else to finish.
Leave the napkin loosely folded on the table and push in your chair as you leave the table.
Remember to thank your host when it's time to part ways.

The above tips are a good start toward improving your children's table manners. Here are a couple of tricky situations that you can continue to work on when the subject comes up.

When a fork falls on the floor, don't pick it up at that time, but do ask for another fork.
When the water glass tumbles over because the person next to you has hit it waving their arm, simply, loosely fold your napkin and place it over the spill. After the water has somewhat absorbed, the napkin can go back on your lap or stay on the table.
When there is a piece of gristle (a chewy, inedible part of the meat) or something else you don't want to eat, discreetly, put your napkin to your mouth to catch it and place the gristle on the rim of the dinner plate.
When there is a food you don't like, take a tiny bite and then spread the rest of it around the plate. Never complain about the food.
Keep your shoes on.
Excuse yourself to go to the restroom by simply saying, "I'll be right back." Leave your napkin on the table and push in your chair.
Never rest your head or hands on the table or wave hands or arms in the air as you talk. Simply place your hands in your lap when not drinking or eating.
Never pick your nose or your teeth, especially at the dinner table. Ask to be excused when you have to blow your nose. That goes along with don't lick your fingers. Use the napkin.

As situations pop up, find the considerate behavior. You, the parents, can do this as role models.

~Didi

HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE
Creative Etiquette Solutions

HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE

There have been so many Holiday Etiquette 2022 concerns–all timely and important: a present that you know is a regift; a gift that costs way too much and how to reciprocate; a gift that is the same as their gift to you last year; what to do if someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them anything? And other uncomfortable situations: What about the guest who clearly has had too much to drink? What about the would-be guest who didn’t receive an invite his friend’s holiday party? To mask or unmask or stay home?

–Didi Lorillard, Newport, RI

Let's start with holiday gifts and party on:

What if you know that a certain gift is a regift and you say to yourself, "Why do you think I would want this? People want to be understood, if you don't know what to get someone, go to their Pinterest or Instagram account to find out what interests them: dogs, sailboats, golf, food, books, and start from there. You want the person to know that You get them. Never acknowledge it was a regift. Who Cares? It's OK, you can give it to someone else whom you know will like it: Reduce, reuse, recycle.
Remember: A gift is a gesture. It says Happy Holidays, if you don't want it, pass it along. Respond with gratitude.
What do you do when the gift costs way too much, how to respond: Say, "Thank you!" Don't ever make a big deal out of the fact that it must have cost them a bundle. Gift giving is a ritual. Allow the gift giver that pleasure. It is not about the cost or where they got the gift. Don't feel you have to reciprocate at the same spending level, because they don't expect you to.
What to do when the gift is the same as last year, for instance I was given the same purple sweater two years in a row by the same person? It's OK. You don't need to call their attention to the faux pas, to their mistake. Thank them with as much authenticity as you did last year. It's all good. It's not abut the gift. It's about the ritual. If there is a gift receipt, exchange the sweater for a different color or get something you'd rather have instead.
What to do when someone gives you a gift and you're caught off guard because you didn't get them anything? What do you say? "Thank you so much," and add at least one reason why you like the gift, and move on. How do you reciprocate? Say, "What I want to give you is an experience. I'd like to take you to lunch (for coffee) or buy you a drink after work, just choose the day."

Uncomfortable Situations

Everyone takes a different stance on holidays:

Some people don't send cards.
FOMO: Some people feel left out if they didn't get invited to a Holiday Party they assumed they'd be invited to; it may have been a simple oversight.

The ongoing debate is not what to wear, but when to gather and when not to gather.

Show up at family gathering but consider the weakest in the bunch, the babies, toddlers and the elderly, whose immune systems may be down. If you think you're coming down with something, don't go.
It's one thing for the 30s-and-40s-something age groups to gather unmasked, but when it's a gathering of the clan and there will be all ages in attendance mask-up or stay home.
We don't know at this point just how bad this Tripledemic will get. This season respiratory sickness from Flu and RSV are breaking records, and Covid is climbing.
Covid Fatigue lingers on: The experts say the winter season ahead is uncertain. As there's a lot of winter and holiday gatherings ahead, be smart about when to mask-up and when to stay home.

As for FOMO, the fear of missing out, be grateful for the things you have and savor them.

Savor the Holiday Season despite the fact that the economy is wacky.
Recycle, Reuse, Regift
Kindness always wins
Give people your time, give an experience instead of a material gift.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

PEACE, LOVE & JOY

~Didi

QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS
Creative Etiquette Solutions

QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS

How do we do the social bubble distancing? We’re bored to tears isolating. We love each other and our kids but spending every hour of every day together is too much for too long. We’ve done the Zoomtini with grownup friends and FaceTime a lot with family, but we’ve had enough of screens.

How can we spend time safely with friends and extended family? It seems forced and awkward trying to put together a bubble with one or two other families. Our kids’ closest friends have always been other kids they’ve been spending time with commuting in the school bus, playing soccer, lacrosse or pick up basketball. Their friendships, for the most part, didn’t include parents, except for the parents we mainly saw at home games.

How do we initiate the suggestion to other families and how do we know who to invite? What happens if it doesn’t work out? Or if they reject our invitation to start a bubble? How can we be sure they follow as rigidly the same social distancing and hygiene rules? How do we safely have a healthy social life again? People say they are being super careful, but are they really?

–Jennie, Brookline, MA

Hi Jennie, thanks for your questions about Quarantine Bubbles Protocol, social bubbles and social pods.

The risk of gathering together during the pandemic will change as time goes by. Warm summer weather is here just in time to allow for quarantine bubbles and social pods.

A double bubble is where two households meet outdoors and agree to adhere to social distancing guidelines in order to increase social contact. Having a picnic in a public place or taking turns for pizza in your backyard are a start. A household picks one other group to socialize with until lockdowns are further relaxed.

The bad news: Close and numerous social interactions with friends may need to be limited until a vaccine is available to all, modeling shows, to eliminated a second peaking of COVID-19. Recent studies in the UK found that under optimistic assumptions, contacts may have to be limited to 5-10 a day outside the home, and if 10% of previous contacts were resumed we would be at risk of a second peak of the virus outbreak.

The good news: The prospect of being in a bubble can give your family something to look forward to. Try forming a quarantine bubble consisting of a group of people or families whose members have been safely isolating; people who can eventually begin hanging out with other extremely cautious groups, as long as everyone obeys safety guidelines and agrees to be exclusive. At least that's what many European countries are doing as they begin to ease their lockdowns.

For instance, in Belgium, "Two sets of four people make a 'corona bubble' who can visit each other's homes. No one else is allowed into the domestic social circle." Eventually that first bubbles enlarges as trust and caution become the normal.

The trick is to go in light heartedly but with facts, "Hey, do you and your family want to join us in our quarantine bubble?" Then you go into detail about the guidelines your family has been following, including mention of how many times a week you go to the grocery store or/and gym and explain the routines you follow. If they're interested, they'll respond by telling you their routines about ordering groceries online and doing curbside pickups. Then suggest a picnic in a public space to see how everyone behaves.

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work and there will be other people interested in being part of a bubble, with the objective of eventually enlarging the bubble. Make it clear that if it doesn't click, the friendships will peter out and it will be obvious that it's time to find other people.

Keep in mind:

Social bubbles allow some social contact, while continuing to limit the risk of further Covid-19 transmissions.
The goal is to get to level 3 where your household bubble can include people such as close family members, care-givers or someone who needs care.
Beware that if the number of deaths does not continue to drop or the average number of people infected for every Covid-19 case increases, people will then not be allowed to use the bubble scheme.
Two sets of four people make a "corona bubble," who can visit each others houses but there are no hugs or other physical exchange like kissing.
In Northern Island now six people from different households can meet outdoors as long as social distancing is practiced.
Your social bubble is the people you live with. With extreme caution you can manage adding to your bubble.
Anyone experiencing coronavirus symptoms, or who is at a higher risk, should not be in a bubble, and needs to self-isolate.

As part of your first discussion:

When do you go out? For what reason?
Do you where a mask?
Do you keep 6 feet away from others?
When are you communicating with family?
What happens if someone in the bubble has symptoms of Covid-19?
What questions do you ask others?
What is the process for entering a bubble?
How would we set up protocol and etiquette?
What would be the protocol and etiquette?

Three things every member of the bubble must keep in mind:

There is the possibility of extending the bubble.
The bubble doesn't have to be forever.
The bubble gives everyone something to look forward to.

~Didi

Socializing & Social Distancing Etiquette
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Socializing & Social Distancing Etiquette

Our son is home from college where, of course, he was used to being around people his own age all the time, so how do we get him to understand socializing and social distancing etiquette? Yesterday he went over to a friend’s house while he was out walking the dog. My husband pretty much blew a gasket when he found out. Were they passing joints? Were there girls there? Any kissing? Vaping? How many of their other friends were there? Why doesn’t he get it that he can’t just go to someone’s house and hang out? We understand that it was the house of someone he grew up with and they’re both home indefinitely from their respective colleges, but come on – we’re in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic!

We’re so annoyed we can’t think straight. Can you, please, send guidelines for our quite brilliant college student who appears to live in la-la land, or as the kids call it, it’s a corona-cation.

–Kathleen, Middletown, RI

Thank you for sharing your concern about the boundaries of socializing and social distancing! Yikes, that's definitely a tall order question. From the freedom of college to being trapped at home again, these kids are living a nightmare. A loss of innocents. Suddenly they have absolutely no control over their lives. It's easy to see how difficult it must be for them, those who don't remember 9/11 and watching people jump out of windows on the morning news, which many thought would change everything we knew to be sacred--but it didn't. As punishment, and he's too old for a time out, ask him to listen to The Daily, the New York Times Podcast app on his phone, daily. You listen to it on yours and then discuss what you both heard. Or make it a daily family ritual while he's having his breakfast by putting it on speakerphone--whatever it takes. Your whole family will learn some of the facts, for instance, that viruses get viruses. In our state, legally (as of today) there should not be gatherings of more than five people, and we're to keep those gatherings with the same five people. At the moment, when only 50% are staying home. everyone needs to be compliant. As you know, with every additional social and physical contact your son has, the risk of having an encounter with an infected person goes up. Suggest the following:

He minimizes the number of people he interacts with physically.
He sticks with one friend who limits their other social contacts, too.
If that friend feels sick, he stays away.
As long as his friend is well, social contact by going for a bike ride or hike is fine, but they should keep six feet apart.
That means NOT sharing finger food, liquids, bodily fluids, or joints, cigarettes, e-cigs or vaps.

As soon as possible, get the baseline temperature reading of every family member. That way when someone seems under the weather, that person's temperature can be monitored closely. That said, what you should know is:

The significance of adult and children's temperatures differ.
Plus, we all have our own normal temperature baseline, based on weight, gender and activity level; it's helpful to find out what everyone's is, so it's precisely monitored.
Normal can be anywhere between 97.7-99.5 degrees Fahrenheit.
Fever is likely to be between 99.5 or 100.9 degrees Fahrenheit.
Hyperpyrexia would be dangerous at 104.0 or 105.8 degree Fahrenheit.
Baseline temperatures vary based on age, sex, physical activity and health, and whether it is taken in the mouth or armpit, which can be lower.
To find a person's normal, take the temperature every day at the same time for at least three days, sticking to either mouth or armpit.

The loneliness of social distancing

can be hard to handle.

Discuss the facts and the difference between social and physical distancing.

Know the facts, but don't overdo it, too much information can aggravate stress.
Put the coronavirus pandemic in perspective.
Refrain from blaming and shaming.
Ask for help, now is the time to turn toward one another.
Encourage him to partake in social distancing in a positive way by calling his friends to actually talk about what's happening in the world around them.
Discuss the difference between social and physical distancing, if, in fact, there is a difference. What does he think?

Educate your son and let him find his own boundaries once he understands the guidelines. Corona-cation is no laughing matter and he needs to handled it like an adult.

Advice to avoid the coronavirus through social distancing can increase the risk of physical and emotional harm from inadequate social contact.
But without physical distancing the virus spreads like falling dominos.
Prepare him for when, not if, the coronavirus strikes.
He should know where to find your estate will and your living will; in the event he has to make choices for you.
Having a down-to-earth conversation with your son can be both heartrending and heartwarming.
Honoring your wishes when you are unable to do so is one of the most loving and bravest things an adult child can do for a parent..

Talk about what we lose when we don't touch?

Scientist call our longing for human touch "skin hunger."
Physical touch triggers the orbit of frontal cortex in the brain, according to Daniel Keltner, professor of psychology at University of California, Berkley.
Regular touch reduces levels of stress hormones, says Tiffany Field, director of the Touch Research Institute, the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine.
Hugging stimulates the thymus gland regulating the body's white blood cell production, which helps fight infection, according to research at the University of North Carolina.
Women who are frequently hugged have lower blood pressure, than those who are not according to research at UNC.
People who received regular hugs had fewer flu symptoms than participants who were hugged less frequently in a study at Carnegie Mellon University.

We must keep our physical distance to keep one another safe. Even though in a pandemic the very thing we're biologically programmed to need is also what can harm us most.

~Didi

VIDEO CONFERENCING ETIQUETTE
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VIDEO CONFERENCING ETIQUETTE

For years I’ve been making and jumping on conference calls, but now that I am working remotely I feel I need to figure out video conferencing etiquette. I’ve witnessed some sloppy ones first hand that were really embarrassing. Some have become a joke. Most of which I won’t go into, but you can guess what happens when dogs and kids are cooped up at home.

Would you, please, give us your guidelines for video conferencing. Thank you for your time, Didi.

–DOUGLAS BLAKE

With one in three Americans being asked to stay home that's over 101 million, many of whom are curious as to how to be professional while video conferencing when the viewer assumes that 1) you're probably not alone in your house or apartment; and 2) you're calling from an improvised at home office.

As office workers adapt to working at home during the corona pandemic, video conferencing has become the norm, but if you're dialing from your favorite easy chair, it could be a problem as to what to wear. Maybe not a suit or cocktail dress.

How to act?

What's appropriate etiquette?

Dos + Don'ts of Video Conferencing

The play: Think of yourself as performing a major role in a stage production. Have fun with this and it will put you at ease. Play your part, the role of the professional.

The Stage:

You're going to need to choose the right background, but it should be plain, neutral beige (if possible) with no knickknacks or such that look kitschy and foolish. And certainly don't have your TV muted with Netflix in the background.
Make sure you're secluded from people or pets who might pass behind you or jump in your lap. And there shouldn't be a pile of laundry waiting to be folded in the background.
It is best to be seated at a desk, which is more professional than mansplaying, slouched on a couch.
A glass of water in a plain glass? yes; a cup of coffee in a cutesy Red Sox mug? no! Avoid the coffee mug as it is too laid-back. You're not on the Stephen Colbert Show. You want to appear composed and easygoing but, I repeat, you're not a talk show guest.

You don't want anything on your stage set to distract the viewer from the conversation. No cat in your lap, because if the viewer doesn't like cats, he'll be distracted by that. You wouldn't take your cat to your office for a meeting. No Giants pendant or Madonna on the wall behind you.

The costume: You want to look casual but not too relaxed, you're going for a look that is flexible professional.

Nix the tie and three piece suit as you'll only come off as pompous. You want to look slightly relaxed.
A collared shirt and a sports jacket or blazer, but no need for a tie, would be just right. Play to your audience, if it is the black V neck T-shirt audience, then fit in and wear a fresh black T-shirt.
Be well-groomed, nobody wants to see a bedhead or greasy locks, or to see white specs of dandruff on your black T-shirt.
Shave, but don't look half-shaved, as though your shaver broke down half way through your morning shaving ritual.
Don't wear too much make-up if you're a man, (because you don't want to look like orange-faced Donald Trump); a woman's make-up should be no heavier than what she would wear to a board meeting, church or to a job interview.
Since the viewer won't see you from the waist down, the same goes for a woman, a crisp top would do perfectly with or without a jacket or blazer. Hold off on the jewelry as it could be a distraction, with the person out of focus wondering if your pearls are real or faux, real gold or not.
Save the sweater fireside look for another time. Perhaps a video conferencing with family or friends.

The lighting: Good quality lighting is key.

Stage a dressed rehearsal videoing yourself in your costume and at your desk to make sure that the lighting is just right and that there isn't anything weird in the background.
Try turning light fixtures off and on and/or pointing the camera at a different angle.
The lighting will either be flattering or you may actually feel you need a bit of makeup if your nose shines too brightly, or that there's food left over from breakfast in your beard.
Likewise test whether to wear your eyeglasses or do without.
Do all this before the call begins so you're not muddling about trying to fiddle with the lighting or looking for your notes.

The show begins: but first do a sound and lighting check, don't just pick up a call or dial into it until you are sure you are well prepared--just as you would be prepared for an important face to face meeting.

Where you wouldn't be looking around for your notes.
Be visible and clear to your clients to garner rapport with clients.
Remember that face to face adds a level of extra communication that you don't have in a regular conference call.
Video conferencing is sociable and that is what makes it a more productive tool.

Remember to mute yourself while other people are talking.

Don't forget:

Preview your webcam.
Test your set up: microphone, Internet speeds, lighting, background.
Make use of mute default when you're not speaking to eliminate the amount of possible disruption, especially if there are only a few people on the call.
Keep video chats sharply focused.
Start by having a roll call acknowledging the participants.
Set boundaries: no shouting + no interrupting.
Follow an agenda.
Pay attention.
Limit the number of meetings.
Avoid the lingering wrap-up.
Don't you dare wave good-bye.
Instead graciously thank people for their time.

Text me with your suggestions

at #917-816-0800,

we're all in this together.

~Didi

COOPED UP — SPACE-SHARING — LEARNING TO LIVE TOGETHER
Creative Etiquette Solutions

COOPED UP — SPACE-SHARING — LEARNING TO LIVE TOGETHER

My question is about space-sharing etiquette during the Trump Pandemic. We’re cooped up.

We’re absolutely housebound in self-imposed lockdown, self-quarantining. Our three kids are home from college; they’re either hibernating in their rooms streaming, or are underfoot. I hear them arguing more than usual; especially when one isn’t taking precautions as thoroughly as he should according to his sibling. “You didn’t wash your hands long enough!” Or, “Stop touching your face.” Or, “If you cared about our family, you wouldn’t leave your wet tissues lying around for us to pick up. It’s disgusting.”

Feminism is down the drain with MY having to organize three meals a day for all of us. Cooped up, we feel as though we’re having to learn to live together after all these years of everybody being mostly out of the house.

I find I’m dragged into doing more than my share of the housework, more than I’m sued to, and I’ve become resentful. Or I should say, I’m systematically compelled to do everything. It’s partially my fault, because I’m trying to keep busy working at my job remotely, plus do the added housework and meal planning through the Trump Pandemic.

It’s like I want everything my way, I need to have full control of the running of the house because I can’t control anything outside of my house. But the reality is this: none of us feels in control of our lives.

We need some guidelines about sharing space. I never thought it would be so stressful being confined with the ones that I love most. We have a large enough house, but it’s sometimes irritating being in constant contact with my loved ones.

–Maggie, Newport

Hi Maggie, lovely to hear from you about space-sharing etiquette--despite the circumstances. We're all having to learn how to live together sharing space. Without a doubt it is challenging during these cooped up uncertain times. Nobody feels in control any longer of anything. It's as though the coronavirus is on the loose and nobody can catch it to snuff if out, it's not a scented candle in a jar with a lingering scent you're sick of smelling.

Space-Sharing Tips: Dos and Don'ts

Limit long periods of social interactions, whether with family or housemates, before the conversation becomes tedious. At the first sign of vibes going downhill--with criticisms, grievances or accusations--simply say, "Let's take a break," and leave the room. Know when to say to yourself, 'no more of this.' Like turning the TV to a different a channel, but this is reality TV.
Self-designate work spaces and/or set up a schedule for computer time. Let everyone choose their own workspace or set up a flexible schedule where they can trade workspace time.
Combatting the psychological heaviness. In these gloomy uncertain times we're all down-hearted. The ongoing combination of having a sense of foreboding mixed with terror and boredom is difficult to endure. Making it worse is the lack of physical comfort we derive from person-to-person contact.
Surprisingly, some anxiety can be productive. It motivates us to wash our hands more often and to distance ourselves from others physically--anxiety gives us an important reason to do so.
Even though watching the news can exacerbate anxiety, it's important to get the facts straight. For instance, outbreaks of influenza tend to wan in warmer weather. Wrong, the coronavirus might not ease so easily. Look at Singapore (located in the tropics) and Australia (where it is still summer), which is why summer plans need to stay fluid to avoid further disappointment. Along with sticking to physical-distancing to avoid person-to-person transmission, which is the only way to slow the spread of the coronavirus.
Draw straws as to who chooses what you're watching on the family TV, then if others don't want to watch they can go off and read or stream from their laptops.

Create a rotating chore list:

Wastebasket and garbage patrol and disinfecting the containers.
Emptying the dishwasher, putting away the dishes and refilling it, and disinfecting the kitchen sink and counter.
Washing pots and pans, and cleaning table tops, stove, and counters.
Emptying and loading washer and dryer and folding laundry (if family members are not responsible for washing their own sheets, towels, washcloths, laundry bag and clothing).
Watering house plants.
Walking the dog.
Disinfecting bathrooms.
Vacuuming and mopping floors.
Dusting.
Disinfecting hard surfaces. Including doorknobs, remote controls, phones, fridge handles, faucets and toilet handles, and cabinet pulls.

Beware, a few words of caution about using

99.99% disinfectant with clorox:

droplets on your clothing while cleaning

with spray will permanently

bleach out into little white spots.

Switch it up with chores by rotating the chores, including showing sons and fathers how to use a vacuum cleaner, mop the kitchen floor, and clean a bathroom.
Help maintain other people's privacy. Let them carve out a space of their own.
Know when you're being annoying and self-correct.
Don't press other people's buttons, and who knows how to do that better than siblings?

Respect other people's private space:

Knock on closed doors before entering.
While walking into a room when the door is open, clear your throat or hum--before entering--to signal that you're on your way in, so as not to startle someone deep in concentration.

Be considerate of others by thinking about how other people might be feeling. For instance don't leave dirty tissues laying around and clean up after yourself in the bathroom, as well as at the table or after lying on the couch; when you'll want to fluff up the pillows, refold the blanket and put your empty glass in the dishwasher or sink.
Nip it in the bud. Any issues that come up should be resolved or diluted by communicating them to everybody as soon as they surface. Otherwise bottled up frustrations, resentments, and grievances will dwell and exacerbate.
Show real empathy. Understand that we all deal with stress in our own way and in our own time, so don't let minor quirkiness, idiocrasy, eccentricity and gripes get on your nerves and bring you down.
Learn to talk to each other again. Strive for drama-free family dinners; learning to live together--perhaps all over again. It's an opportune time for family members to talk about their aspirations; what they would like to do with their lives after they get out of hibernation.
Be social. After dinner, play boardgames, chess, backgammon, pingpong, poker or cards. Make popcorn and watch movie classics on TMC.
Check your own emotions. Fear can be contagious. Monitor and manage your own sense of worry.
Be a listener. Disappointment and sadness over missing an anticipated event and even fear of the unknown can cause worry and anxiety. Validate emotions whether the emotion is disappointment, fear of the unknown, or something in between.
What can we learn from this? Encourage freedom to express frustration. There is definitely something therapeutic about having a person who is willing to listen to you and hear you out.
Encourage consistency. Keep meals on time. Get bathed and dressed as usual. Keep to a schedule.
Lastly, despite rain, wind, and fog, take a walk once a day--even for twenty minutes.

Treat people as you would

like them to treat you.

As parents, we create good, bad and even ugly memories, which, obviously, we don't mean to do. When was the last time you all baked cookies or brownies?

Give the gift of listening today.

~Didi

IS A FIST BUMP OR ELBOW BUMP GOOD ETIQUETTE?
Creative Etiquette Solutions

IS A FIST BUMP OR ELBOW BUMP GOOD ETIQUETTE?

My question is about whether or not a fist bump or elbow bump is good etiquette?

I always wonder how to react after you’ve said, “Hi,” because I must confess that I’m becoming slightly germaphobic. The holiday germ spreading season is upon us, and I’m not what you call an air kisser. I’m going to either kiss you or not, but what I don’t want to do is shake hands. No matter how much I like you.

Fisting doesn’t make sense because germs are still on the hands.

After a recent tennis game, where it is customary to shake hands after you’re through playing, I begged off shaking hands with the excuse that I had a scratchy sore throat. Without having thought it through, I said I probably caught the bug from one of my small children, and that I didn’t want to spread germs. But wouldn’t my germs be on any tennis balls I’ve touched? Probably.

My opponent quickly suggested an elbow bump and we touched elbows. We lifted our right arms and bumped elbows. Fine with me. But at a holiday gathering with a wine glass in one hand, fisting or elbowing doesn’t feel like proper manners. What’s the good etiquette alternative?

–Elizabeth, Charleston, SC

Elizabeth, a fist bump or elbow bump is good etiquette when two people agree to the bumping of those body parts. When socializing we usually don't have the option of discussion when a pair of heavily liquored lips smack you in the face at a holiday gathering. You initiate politeness by trying to dodge having that kiss land target on your lips by hoping the offering of a cheek will do. But perhaps we should be questioning: why does the other person feel they have a right to initiate that kiss in the first place? It is so controlling. Especially when they raise their eyes to see who is watching you being kissed -- an all too familiar act between near strangers -- by a friend, but not a bedfellow.

You asked about the good etiquette, which has always been that the woman extends her hand first for a handshake, or offers a kiss on the cheek by cocking her head, initiating the physical contact. Perhaps she'll be rebuffed, but it is her purgative. Unlike the elbow or fist bump, which more than likely has been agreed upon.

When a person senses that the person they've just run into is going in for a full body hug, he or she stretches out their right arm, and points to their bent elbow.

The person going in for the greeting hug picks up on the body language, captures the nuance ritual as his own, and bumps elbows.

Stick to the hygiene:

Elbow bump and fist bump where two people touch elbows or fists are both informal ways of greeting someone you already know or whom you know of through a mutual friend..

In 2004, it was Shaquille O'Neal who first demonstrated the derivative nature of the elbow bump in relation to the fist bump when meeting up with Kobe Bryant.

By 2009 'elbow bump' was considered for word of 'the year' by the NEW OXFORD AMERICAN DICTIONARY.
Interest in the elbow bump as an informal greeting took hold during the 2006 avian flu scare, the 2009 swine flu outbreak, and by the time of the 2014 Ebola threat, USA health officials were supporting the use to prevent the spread of germs.
By 2011, The World Health Organization and The Association for the Advancement of Science -- as well as many colleges -- had already endorsed and encouraged the elbow bump as the polite customary greeting.

Obviously at a holiday party you're probably not going to be offering an elbow bump while coddling a cocktail in your other hand. But you can use your free hand to stave off the awkwardness of an unwanted kiss by gently placing that hand on the other person's shoulder to keep your space at an arm's length distance.

Then. if you must, in the moment say, "You wouldn't want to catch my scratchy throat." Or, "You wouldn't want what I'm just getting over." And they won't.
Personally, as a greeting, I'm a big fan of the queen's wave. A slight wave of the right hand mimicking the blade on your windshield during a drizzle. It helps to keep that modicum of distance in a busy gathering, or when bumping into someone in the neighborhood.

~Didi

I Can’t Get Rid Of My Husband — Divorce
Creative Etiquette Solutions

I Can’t Get Rid Of My Husband — Divorce

My husband and I separated a year ago. I’ve tried many times to persuade him to get a lawyer so we can get a divorce and let bygones be bygones, however, he’s lazy and cheap and can’t seem to find time to deal with our fizzled out marriage. I’ve tried talking to our mutual friends for support, but he doesn’t listen to them either. Help!

–AW, Brooklyn, NY

Do online research to look for how to get a quickie divorce. For instance, Angelina Jolie's divorce lawyer, Laura Wasser, offers quickie online divorces (as well as annulments and separations) starting at a fee as low as $750 at: It's Over Easy -

https://www.itsovereasy.com

~Didi

Why Not Get Your Etiquette Together and Act Grateful
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Why Not Get Your Etiquette Together and Act Grateful

What’s the drill on thank-you notes and returning a gift you don’t like?

Can I email words of thanks to people, or do I have to actually buy a box of thank-you cards to write out? Especially, when you haven’t asked for a gift or expected a gift and you don’t really like it?

Also, when your mom gives you a sweater made by a popular brand, do you have to keep it? Every year she gives me a sweater that I never wear, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

–EM, Newport, RI

Act grateful. Wow, not feeling vibes of gratitude here.

At least people were thoughtful to give you something! Grow up. Grownups send thank-you emails and texts to people they are on an email and text basis with. When acknowledging special gifts, that attractive box of thank-you notes comes in handy.

It is all about giving thanks. How you say "thank you" reflects your lifestyle and the sincerity of your appreciation. Find a motif that fits your soul, there are certainly a wide range out there whether you're feeling snowed-in, seeking shade under a palm tree or simply want to remind the giver of a Newport attraction.

If you don't like the gift and are having trouble exchanging it, call or text the person to say you would like to return the sweater for a different style, color, size -- or all three.

Make a list of who you want to thank and cross off the names as you send your thank-you.

~Didi

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