Family Archives - Newport Manners

QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS
Creative Etiquette Solutions

QUARANTINE BUBBLES PROTOCOL – SOCIAL BUBBLES – SOCIAL PODS

How do we do the social bubble distancing? We’re bored to tears isolating. We love each other and our kids but spending every hour of every day together is too much for too long. We’ve done the Zoomtini with grownup friends and FaceTime a lot with family, but we’ve had enough of screens.

How can we spend time safely with friends and extended family? It seems forced and awkward trying to put together a bubble with one or two other families. Our kids’ closest friends have always been other kids they’ve been spending time with commuting in the school bus, playing soccer, lacrosse or pick up basketball. Their friendships, for the most part, didn’t include parents, except for the parents we mainly saw at home games.

How do we initiate the suggestion to other families and how do we know who to invite? What happens if it doesn’t work out? Or if they reject our invitation to start a bubble? How can we be sure they follow as rigidly the same social distancing and hygiene rules? How do we safely have a healthy social life again? People say they are being super careful, but are they really?

–Jennie, Brookline, MA

Hi Jennie, thanks for your questions about Quarantine Bubbles Protocol, social bubbles and social pods.

The risk of gathering together during the pandemic will change as time goes by. Warm summer weather is here just in time to allow for quarantine bubbles and social pods.

A double bubble is where two households meet outdoors and agree to adhere to social distancing guidelines in order to increase social contact. Having a picnic in a public place or taking turns for pizza in your backyard are a start. A household picks one other group to socialize with until lockdowns are further relaxed.

The bad news: Close and numerous social interactions with friends may need to be limited until a vaccine is available to all, modeling shows, to eliminated a second peaking of COVID-19. Recent studies in the UK found that under optimistic assumptions, contacts may have to be limited to 5-10 a day outside the home, and if 10% of previous contacts were resumed we would be at risk of a second peak of the virus outbreak.

The good news: The prospect of being in a bubble can give your family something to look forward to. Try forming a quarantine bubble consisting of a group of people or families whose members have been safely isolating; people who can eventually begin hanging out with other extremely cautious groups, as long as everyone obeys safety guidelines and agrees to be exclusive. At least that's what many European countries are doing as they begin to ease their lockdowns.

For instance, in Belgium, "Two sets of four people make a 'corona bubble' who can visit each other's homes. No one else is allowed into the domestic social circle." Eventually that first bubbles enlarges as trust and caution become the normal.

The trick is to go in light heartedly but with facts, "Hey, do you and your family want to join us in our quarantine bubble?" Then you go into detail about the guidelines your family has been following, including mention of how many times a week you go to the grocery store or/and gym and explain the routines you follow. If they're interested, they'll respond by telling you their routines about ordering groceries online and doing curbside pickups. Then suggest a picnic in a public space to see how everyone behaves.

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work and there will be other people interested in being part of a bubble, with the objective of eventually enlarging the bubble. Make it clear that if it doesn't click, the friendships will peter out and it will be obvious that it's time to find other people.

Keep in mind:

Social bubbles allow some social contact, while continuing to limit the risk of further Covid-19 transmissions.
The goal is to get to level 3 where your household bubble can include people such as close family members, care-givers or someone who needs care.
Beware that if the number of deaths does not continue to drop or the average number of people infected for every Covid-19 case increases, people will then not be allowed to use the bubble scheme.
Two sets of four people make a "corona bubble," who can visit each others houses but there are no hugs or other physical exchange like kissing.
In Northern Island now six people from different households can meet outdoors as long as social distancing is practiced.
Your social bubble is the people you live with. With extreme caution you can manage adding to your bubble.
Anyone experiencing coronavirus symptoms, or who is at a higher risk, should not be in a bubble, and needs to self-isolate.

As part of your first discussion:

When do you go out? For what reason?
Do you where a mask?
Do you keep 6 feet away from others?
When are you communicating with family?
What happens if someone in the bubble has symptoms of Covid-19?
What questions do you ask others?
What is the process for entering a bubble?
How would we set up protocol and etiquette?
What would be the protocol and etiquette?

Three things every member of the bubble must keep in mind:

There is the possibility of extending the bubble.
The bubble doesn't have to be forever.
The bubble gives everyone something to look forward to.

~Didi

Socializing & Social Distancing Etiquette
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Socializing & Social Distancing Etiquette

Our son is home from college where, of course, he was used to being around people his own age all the time, so how do we get him to understand socializing and social distancing etiquette? Yesterday he went over to a friend’s house while he was out walking the dog. My husband pretty much blew a gasket when he found out. Were they passing joints? Were there girls there? Any kissing? Vaping? How many of their other friends were there? Why doesn’t he get it that he can’t just go to someone’s house and hang out? We understand that it was the house of someone he grew up with and they’re both home indefinitely from their respective colleges, but come on – we’re in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic!

We’re so annoyed we can’t think straight. Can you, please, send guidelines for our quite brilliant college student who appears to live in la-la land, or as the kids call it, it’s a corona-cation.

–Kathleen, Middletown, RI

Thank you for sharing your concern about the boundaries of socializing and social distancing! Yikes, that's definitely a tall order question. From the freedom of college to being trapped at home again, these kids are living a nightmare. A loss of innocents. Suddenly they have absolutely no control over their lives. It's easy to see how difficult it must be for them, those who don't remember 9/11 and watching people jump out of windows on the morning news, which many thought would change everything we knew to be sacred--but it didn't. As punishment, and he's too old for a time out, ask him to listen to The Daily, the New York Times Podcast app on his phone, daily. You listen to it on yours and then discuss what you both heard. Or make it a daily family ritual while he's having his breakfast by putting it on speakerphone--whatever it takes. Your whole family will learn some of the facts, for instance, that viruses get viruses. In our state, legally (as of today) there should not be gatherings of more than five people, and we're to keep those gatherings with the same five people. At the moment, when only 50% are staying home. everyone needs to be compliant. As you know, with every additional social and physical contact your son has, the risk of having an encounter with an infected person goes up. Suggest the following:

He minimizes the number of people he interacts with physically.
He sticks with one friend who limits their other social contacts, too.
If that friend feels sick, he stays away.
As long as his friend is well, social contact by going for a bike ride or hike is fine, but they should keep six feet apart.
That means NOT sharing finger food, liquids, bodily fluids, or joints, cigarettes, e-cigs or vaps.

As soon as possible, get the baseline temperature reading of every family member. That way when someone seems under the weather, that person's temperature can be monitored closely. That said, what you should know is:

The significance of adult and children's temperatures differ.
Plus, we all have our own normal temperature baseline, based on weight, gender and activity level; it's helpful to find out what everyone's is, so it's precisely monitored.
Normal can be anywhere between 97.7-99.5 degrees Fahrenheit.
Fever is likely to be between 99.5 or 100.9 degrees Fahrenheit.
Hyperpyrexia would be dangerous at 104.0 or 105.8 degree Fahrenheit.
Baseline temperatures vary based on age, sex, physical activity and health, and whether it is taken in the mouth or armpit, which can be lower.
To find a person's normal, take the temperature every day at the same time for at least three days, sticking to either mouth or armpit.

The loneliness of social distancing

can be hard to handle.

Discuss the facts and the difference between social and physical distancing.

Know the facts, but don't overdo it, too much information can aggravate stress.
Put the coronavirus pandemic in perspective.
Refrain from blaming and shaming.
Ask for help, now is the time to turn toward one another.
Encourage him to partake in social distancing in a positive way by calling his friends to actually talk about what's happening in the world around them.
Discuss the difference between social and physical distancing, if, in fact, there is a difference. What does he think?

Educate your son and let him find his own boundaries once he understands the guidelines. Corona-cation is no laughing matter and he needs to handled it like an adult.

Advice to avoid the coronavirus through social distancing can increase the risk of physical and emotional harm from inadequate social contact.
But without physical distancing the virus spreads like falling dominos.
Prepare him for when, not if, the coronavirus strikes.
He should know where to find your estate will and your living will; in the event he has to make choices for you.
Having a down-to-earth conversation with your son can be both heartrending and heartwarming.
Honoring your wishes when you are unable to do so is one of the most loving and bravest things an adult child can do for a parent..

Talk about what we lose when we don't touch?

Scientist call our longing for human touch "skin hunger."
Physical touch triggers the orbit of frontal cortex in the brain, according to Daniel Keltner, professor of psychology at University of California, Berkley.
Regular touch reduces levels of stress hormones, says Tiffany Field, director of the Touch Research Institute, the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine.
Hugging stimulates the thymus gland regulating the body's white blood cell production, which helps fight infection, according to research at the University of North Carolina.
Women who are frequently hugged have lower blood pressure, than those who are not according to research at UNC.
People who received regular hugs had fewer flu symptoms than participants who were hugged less frequently in a study at Carnegie Mellon University.

We must keep our physical distance to keep one another safe. Even though in a pandemic the very thing we're biologically programmed to need is also what can harm us most.

~Didi

VIDEO CONFERENCING ETIQUETTE
Creative Etiquette Solutions

VIDEO CONFERENCING ETIQUETTE

For years I’ve been making and jumping on conference calls, but now that I am working remotely I feel I need to figure out video conferencing etiquette. I’ve witnessed some sloppy ones first hand that were really embarrassing. Some have become a joke. Most of which I won’t go into, but you can guess what happens when dogs and kids are cooped up at home.

Would you, please, give us your guidelines for video conferencing. Thank you for your time, Didi.

–DOUGLAS BLAKE

With one in three Americans being asked to stay home that's over 101 million, many of whom are curious as to how to be professional while video conferencing when the viewer assumes that 1) you're probably not alone in your house or apartment; and 2) you're calling from an improvised at home office.

As office workers adapt to working at home during the corona pandemic, video conferencing has become the norm, but if you're dialing from your favorite easy chair, it could be a problem as to what to wear. Maybe not a suit or cocktail dress.

How to act?

What's appropriate etiquette?

Dos + Don'ts of Video Conferencing

The play: Think of yourself as performing a major role in a stage production. Have fun with this and it will put you at ease. Play your part, the role of the professional.

The Stage:

You're going to need to choose the right background, but it should be plain, neutral beige (if possible) with no knickknacks or such that look kitschy and foolish. And certainly don't have your TV muted with Netflix in the background.
Make sure you're secluded from people or pets who might pass behind you or jump in your lap. And there shouldn't be a pile of laundry waiting to be folded in the background.
It is best to be seated at a desk, which is more professional than mansplaying, slouched on a couch.
A glass of water in a plain glass? yes; a cup of coffee in a cutesy Red Sox mug? no! Avoid the coffee mug as it is too laid-back. You're not on the Stephen Colbert Show. You want to appear composed and easygoing but, I repeat, you're not a talk show guest.

You don't want anything on your stage set to distract the viewer from the conversation. No cat in your lap, because if the viewer doesn't like cats, he'll be distracted by that. You wouldn't take your cat to your office for a meeting. No Giants pendant or Madonna on the wall behind you.

The costume: You want to look casual but not too relaxed, you're going for a look that is flexible professional.

Nix the tie and three piece suit as you'll only come off as pompous. You want to look slightly relaxed.
A collared shirt and a sports jacket or blazer, but no need for a tie, would be just right. Play to your audience, if it is the black V neck T-shirt audience, then fit in and wear a fresh black T-shirt.
Be well-groomed, nobody wants to see a bedhead or greasy locks, or to see white specs of dandruff on your black T-shirt.
Shave, but don't look half-shaved, as though your shaver broke down half way through your morning shaving ritual.
Don't wear too much make-up if you're a man, (because you don't want to look like orange-faced Donald Trump); a woman's make-up should be no heavier than what she would wear to a board meeting, church or to a job interview.
Since the viewer won't see you from the waist down, the same goes for a woman, a crisp top would do perfectly with or without a jacket or blazer. Hold off on the jewelry as it could be a distraction, with the person out of focus wondering if your pearls are real or faux, real gold or not.
Save the sweater fireside look for another time. Perhaps a video conferencing with family or friends.

The lighting: Good quality lighting is key.

Stage a dressed rehearsal videoing yourself in your costume and at your desk to make sure that the lighting is just right and that there isn't anything weird in the background.
Try turning light fixtures off and on and/or pointing the camera at a different angle.
The lighting will either be flattering or you may actually feel you need a bit of makeup if your nose shines too brightly, or that there's food left over from breakfast in your beard.
Likewise test whether to wear your eyeglasses or do without.
Do all this before the call begins so you're not muddling about trying to fiddle with the lighting or looking for your notes.

The show begins: but first do a sound and lighting check, don't just pick up a call or dial into it until you are sure you are well prepared--just as you would be prepared for an important face to face meeting.

Where you wouldn't be looking around for your notes.
Be visible and clear to your clients to garner rapport with clients.
Remember that face to face adds a level of extra communication that you don't have in a regular conference call.
Video conferencing is sociable and that is what makes it a more productive tool.

Remember to mute yourself while other people are talking.

Don't forget:

Preview your webcam.
Test your set up: microphone, Internet speeds, lighting, background.
Make use of mute default when you're not speaking to eliminate the amount of possible disruption, especially if there are only a few people on the call.
Keep video chats sharply focused.
Start by having a roll call acknowledging the participants.
Set boundaries: no shouting + no interrupting.
Follow an agenda.
Pay attention.
Limit the number of meetings.
Avoid the lingering wrap-up.
Don't you dare wave good-bye.
Instead graciously thank people for their time.

Text me with your suggestions

at #917-816-0800,

we're all in this together.

~Didi

COOPED UP — SPACE-SHARING — LEARNING TO LIVE TOGETHER
Creative Etiquette Solutions

COOPED UP — SPACE-SHARING — LEARNING TO LIVE TOGETHER

My question is about space-sharing etiquette during the Trump Pandemic. We’re cooped up.

We’re absolutely housebound in self-imposed lockdown, self-quarantining. Our three kids are home from college; they’re either hibernating in their rooms streaming, or are underfoot. I hear them arguing more than usual; especially when one isn’t taking precautions as thoroughly as he should according to his sibling. “You didn’t wash your hands long enough!” Or, “Stop touching your face.” Or, “If you cared about our family, you wouldn’t leave your wet tissues lying around for us to pick up. It’s disgusting.”

Feminism is down the drain with MY having to organize three meals a day for all of us. Cooped up, we feel as though we’re having to learn to live together after all these years of everybody being mostly out of the house.

I find I’m dragged into doing more than my share of the housework, more than I’m sued to, and I’ve become resentful. Or I should say, I’m systematically compelled to do everything. It’s partially my fault, because I’m trying to keep busy working at my job remotely, plus do the added housework and meal planning through the Trump Pandemic.

It’s like I want everything my way, I need to have full control of the running of the house because I can’t control anything outside of my house. But the reality is this: none of us feels in control of our lives.

We need some guidelines about sharing space. I never thought it would be so stressful being confined with the ones that I love most. We have a large enough house, but it’s sometimes irritating being in constant contact with my loved ones.

–Maggie, Newport

Hi Maggie, lovely to hear from you about space-sharing etiquette--despite the circumstances. We're all having to learn how to live together sharing space. Without a doubt it is challenging during these cooped up uncertain times. Nobody feels in control any longer of anything. It's as though the coronavirus is on the loose and nobody can catch it to snuff if out, it's not a scented candle in a jar with a lingering scent you're sick of smelling.

Space-Sharing Tips: Dos and Don'ts

Limit long periods of social interactions, whether with family or housemates, before the conversation becomes tedious. At the first sign of vibes going downhill--with criticisms, grievances or accusations--simply say, "Let's take a break," and leave the room. Know when to say to yourself, 'no more of this.' Like turning the TV to a different a channel, but this is reality TV.
Self-designate work spaces and/or set up a schedule for computer time. Let everyone choose their own workspace or set up a flexible schedule where they can trade workspace time.
Combatting the psychological heaviness. In these gloomy uncertain times we're all down-hearted. The ongoing combination of having a sense of foreboding mixed with terror and boredom is difficult to endure. Making it worse is the lack of physical comfort we derive from person-to-person contact.
Surprisingly, some anxiety can be productive. It motivates us to wash our hands more often and to distance ourselves from others physically--anxiety gives us an important reason to do so.
Even though watching the news can exacerbate anxiety, it's important to get the facts straight. For instance, outbreaks of influenza tend to wan in warmer weather. Wrong, the coronavirus might not ease so easily. Look at Singapore (located in the tropics) and Australia (where it is still summer), which is why summer plans need to stay fluid to avoid further disappointment. Along with sticking to physical-distancing to avoid person-to-person transmission, which is the only way to slow the spread of the coronavirus.
Draw straws as to who chooses what you're watching on the family TV, then if others don't want to watch they can go off and read or stream from their laptops.

Create a rotating chore list:

Wastebasket and garbage patrol and disinfecting the containers.
Emptying the dishwasher, putting away the dishes and refilling it, and disinfecting the kitchen sink and counter.
Washing pots and pans, and cleaning table tops, stove, and counters.
Emptying and loading washer and dryer and folding laundry (if family members are not responsible for washing their own sheets, towels, washcloths, laundry bag and clothing).
Watering house plants.
Walking the dog.
Disinfecting bathrooms.
Vacuuming and mopping floors.
Dusting.
Disinfecting hard surfaces. Including doorknobs, remote controls, phones, fridge handles, faucets and toilet handles, and cabinet pulls.

Beware, a few words of caution about using

99.99% disinfectant with clorox:

droplets on your clothing while cleaning

with spray will permanently

bleach out into little white spots.

Switch it up with chores by rotating the chores, including showing sons and fathers how to use a vacuum cleaner, mop the kitchen floor, and clean a bathroom.
Help maintain other people's privacy. Let them carve out a space of their own.
Know when you're being annoying and self-correct.
Don't press other people's buttons, and who knows how to do that better than siblings?

Respect other people's private space:

Knock on closed doors before entering.
While walking into a room when the door is open, clear your throat or hum--before entering--to signal that you're on your way in, so as not to startle someone deep in concentration.

Be considerate of others by thinking about how other people might be feeling. For instance don't leave dirty tissues laying around and clean up after yourself in the bathroom, as well as at the table or after lying on the couch; when you'll want to fluff up the pillows, refold the blanket and put your empty glass in the dishwasher or sink.
Nip it in the bud. Any issues that come up should be resolved or diluted by communicating them to everybody as soon as they surface. Otherwise bottled up frustrations, resentments, and grievances will dwell and exacerbate.
Show real empathy. Understand that we all deal with stress in our own way and in our own time, so don't let minor quirkiness, idiocrasy, eccentricity and gripes get on your nerves and bring you down.
Learn to talk to each other again. Strive for drama-free family dinners; learning to live together--perhaps all over again. It's an opportune time for family members to talk about their aspirations; what they would like to do with their lives after they get out of hibernation.
Be social. After dinner, play boardgames, chess, backgammon, pingpong, poker or cards. Make popcorn and watch movie classics on TMC.
Check your own emotions. Fear can be contagious. Monitor and manage your own sense of worry.
Be a listener. Disappointment and sadness over missing an anticipated event and even fear of the unknown can cause worry and anxiety. Validate emotions whether the emotion is disappointment, fear of the unknown, or something in between.
What can we learn from this? Encourage freedom to express frustration. There is definitely something therapeutic about having a person who is willing to listen to you and hear you out.
Encourage consistency. Keep meals on time. Get bathed and dressed as usual. Keep to a schedule.
Lastly, despite rain, wind, and fog, take a walk once a day--even for twenty minutes.

Treat people as you would

like them to treat you.

As parents, we create good, bad and even ugly memories, which, obviously, we don't mean to do. When was the last time you all baked cookies or brownies?

Give the gift of listening today.

~Didi

IS A FIST BUMP OR ELBOW BUMP GOOD ETIQUETTE?
Creative Etiquette Solutions

IS A FIST BUMP OR ELBOW BUMP GOOD ETIQUETTE?

My question is about whether or not a fist bump or elbow bump is good etiquette?

I always wonder how to react after you’ve said, “Hi,” because I must confess that I’m becoming slightly germaphobic. The holiday germ spreading season is upon us, and I’m not what you call an air kisser. I’m going to either kiss you or not, but what I don’t want to do is shake hands. No matter how much I like you.

Fisting doesn’t make sense because germs are still on the hands.

After a recent tennis game, where it is customary to shake hands after you’re through playing, I begged off shaking hands with the excuse that I had a scratchy sore throat. Without having thought it through, I said I probably caught the bug from one of my small children, and that I didn’t want to spread germs. But wouldn’t my germs be on any tennis balls I’ve touched? Probably.

My opponent quickly suggested an elbow bump and we touched elbows. We lifted our right arms and bumped elbows. Fine with me. But at a holiday gathering with a wine glass in one hand, fisting or elbowing doesn’t feel like proper manners. What’s the good etiquette alternative?

–Elizabeth, Charleston, SC

Elizabeth, a fist bump or elbow bump is good etiquette when two people agree to the bumping of those body parts. When socializing we usually don't have the option of discussion when a pair of heavily liquored lips smack you in the face at a holiday gathering. You initiate politeness by trying to dodge having that kiss land target on your lips by hoping the offering of a cheek will do. But perhaps we should be questioning: why does the other person feel they have a right to initiate that kiss in the first place? It is so controlling. Especially when they raise their eyes to see who is watching you being kissed -- an all too familiar act between near strangers -- by a friend, but not a bedfellow.

You asked about the good etiquette, which has always been that the woman extends her hand first for a handshake, or offers a kiss on the cheek by cocking her head, initiating the physical contact. Perhaps she'll be rebuffed, but it is her purgative. Unlike the elbow or fist bump, which more than likely has been agreed upon.

When a person senses that the person they've just run into is going in for a full body hug, he or she stretches out their right arm, and points to their bent elbow.

The person going in for the greeting hug picks up on the body language, captures the nuance ritual as his own, and bumps elbows.

Stick to the hygiene:

Elbow bump and fist bump where two people touch elbows or fists are both informal ways of greeting someone you already know or whom you know of through a mutual friend..

In 2004, it was Shaquille O'Neal who first demonstrated the derivative nature of the elbow bump in relation to the fist bump when meeting up with Kobe Bryant.

By 2009 'elbow bump' was considered for word of 'the year' by the NEW OXFORD AMERICAN DICTIONARY.
Interest in the elbow bump as an informal greeting took hold during the 2006 avian flu scare, the 2009 swine flu outbreak, and by the time of the 2014 Ebola threat, USA health officials were supporting the use to prevent the spread of germs.
By 2011, The World Health Organization and The Association for the Advancement of Science -- as well as many colleges -- had already endorsed and encouraged the elbow bump as the polite customary greeting.

Obviously at a holiday party you're probably not going to be offering an elbow bump while coddling a cocktail in your other hand. But you can use your free hand to stave off the awkwardness of an unwanted kiss by gently placing that hand on the other person's shoulder to keep your space at an arm's length distance.

Then. if you must, in the moment say, "You wouldn't want to catch my scratchy throat." Or, "You wouldn't want what I'm just getting over." And they won't.
Personally, as a greeting, I'm a big fan of the queen's wave. A slight wave of the right hand mimicking the blade on your windshield during a drizzle. It helps to keep that modicum of distance in a busy gathering, or when bumping into someone in the neighborhood.

~Didi

I Can’t Get Rid Of My Husband — Divorce
Creative Etiquette Solutions

I Can’t Get Rid Of My Husband — Divorce

My husband and I separated a year ago. I’ve tried many times to persuade him to get a lawyer so we can get a divorce and let bygones be bygones, however, he’s lazy and cheap and can’t seem to find time to deal with our fizzled out marriage. I’ve tried talking to our mutual friends for support, but he doesn’t listen to them either. Help!

–AW, Brooklyn, NY

Do online research to look for how to get a quickie divorce. For instance, Angelina Jolie's divorce lawyer, Laura Wasser, offers quickie online divorces (as well as annulments and separations) starting at a fee as low as $750 at: It's Over Easy -

https://www.itsovereasy.com

~Didi

Why Not Get Your Etiquette Together and Act Grateful
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Why Not Get Your Etiquette Together and Act Grateful

What’s the drill on thank-you notes and returning a gift you don’t like?

Can I email words of thanks to people, or do I have to actually buy a box of thank-you cards to write out? Especially, when you haven’t asked for a gift or expected a gift and you don’t really like it?

Also, when your mom gives you a sweater made by a popular brand, do you have to keep it? Every year she gives me a sweater that I never wear, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

–EM, Newport, RI

Act grateful. Wow, not feeling vibes of gratitude here.

At least people were thoughtful to give you something! Grow up. Grownups send thank-you emails and texts to people they are on an email and text basis with. When acknowledging special gifts, that attractive box of thank-you notes comes in handy.

It is all about giving thanks. How you say "thank you" reflects your lifestyle and the sincerity of your appreciation. Find a motif that fits your soul, there are certainly a wide range out there whether you're feeling snowed-in, seeking shade under a palm tree or simply want to remind the giver of a Newport attraction.

If you don't like the gift and are having trouble exchanging it, call or text the person to say you would like to return the sweater for a different style, color, size -- or all three.

Make a list of who you want to thank and cross off the names as you send your thank-you.

~Didi

How To Help An Alcoholic Friend When You’re Not Family
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How To Help An Alcoholic Friend When You’re Not Family

During the holidays I found myself in an excruciatingly difficult social situation with the husband of a good friend. I am not paranoid, but at a Christmas party he followed me out of one room and into another where he cornered me to give me a message.

He asked that we sit down to talk. Hearing kindness in his voice, we sat down and shot the breeze about our careers and our kids. After the ice was broken, he put me on notice. But didn’t say what I was to do about it.

If his wife doesn’t stop drinking, he told her he would leave her even though he loves her. He clearly can’t watch her deteriorate further.

As her friend, what is my obligation? According to her husband, it sounds as though he has given her a verbal ultimatum. I’m not going to repeat what he said to me to her.

–Name Withheld

You cannot take sides. Your good friend needs your support.

Her husband needs you to listen to him. He's already given her the ultimatum. If she is a really good friend, the best you can do is offer to go to AA with her.

You can also tell her husband that you would be willing to participate in an intervention, but he has to organize and set it up with other members of her family.

~Didi