After the Break Up Archives

Crying and Pining Over Unrequited Love
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Crying and Pining Over Unrequited Love

How to stop crying and pining over unrequited love?

Since my ex and I broke up, I can’t seem to love any other guy. I can’t get him out of my head. Every time I have sex with a new guy, the last thing he does makes me want to break off the relationship. Most often or perhaps all the time, they come back begging but I would have already moved on in less than a week and the process continuous as I look for love.

My ex and I broke up about a year ago. The relationship was not balanced, but I still hold him dear to my heart and respect him for the things he taught me and for his sincerity. I can’t lie I still love him. No matter how much I try, I just can’t come across anyone to love like I loved him.

–GB, Yaounde,Cameroon

Stop crying and pining over unrequited love.

You must not waste any more time mooning over someone who does not want to be with you. Please find a professional to talk to about your feelings.

Talking about your heartbreak with someone who is trained to listen will perhaps lessen the pain of anxiety.

If that's not possible, write a letter to your ex telling him how you feel about him and the breakup, but do NOT mail the letter.

Then hide the letter. When you're feeling extremely sad, take out the letter and reread it. Eventually you will stop reading the letter.

Time heals most wounds of the heart. Take up Yoga or some such healing as a way of clearing your mind.

~Didi

Breaking Up During the Holidays
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Breaking Up During the Holidays

My girlfriend broke up with me and the holidays are here. We were suppose to visit both of our families to announce our engagement. I even bought her the ring she wanted. She was going to come to the Christmas party at my office and those who hadn’t met her are eager to meet her. It’s off. We’re done and I don’t know what to say. It makes me too emotional to have to answer questions about why we broke up. What do I say?

–Anonymous, Windsor, CT

When breaking up, whether during the holidays or any other time of year, the simplest --and kindest -- thing to say is this: We decided jointly that we weren't right for each other. Leave it at that: you mutually agreed that you were not meant to get married. In breakups like yours it is a two-way street, you're both seeing the relationship going in different directions. That means you are in agreement that you are not headed in the same direction. It is better to go through the holidays single, footloose and fancy-free, than dangling like a Christmas bulb that's too heavy for the tree. The strings of your heart will slowly pull free as you go out and about, at first pretending to have a good time until you recognize the fact that you are free to have a great time.

~Didi

Online Dating Conmen
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Online Dating Conmen

I started a relationship with a man on a renowned Internet dating site that ended in disaster. Unfortunately, it took me too long to understand that he was a conman. Coming off of a stale, long-suffering relationship with a nasty breakup, I was vulnerable to his attentions.

We had an online relationship for four months messaging many times a day. I thought I was in love with him. I was lonely. He was an attentive admirer. All of a sudden after two months, he had money problems. He needed money to keep his company together to pay salaries and back taxes. Then he needed money for his daughter’s college tuition and his mother’s hospital bills. Funds needed went on. He said he was forced to move his business overseas because he was divorced and his ex-wife was draining him and that money owed him was being temporarily held up.

Over a period of two months he bilked me of hundreds of thousands of dollars.

My best friends and only sibling tried warning me, but love was blind and I believed in this scam artist. The friends have unfriended me and my brother disowned me. My best friend in the whole world told me she didn’t want to be friends anymore.

Not only am I feeling more alone than ever, but I’ve sent this man hundreds of thousand of dollars to banks in Europe so I have no recourse.

I’ve filed complaints through my lawyer with the FBI, etc., but I know I will never get nearly $800,000 back. I’ve been playing him along half-heartedly while the authorities have been investigating him.

How do I redeem myself?

–Anonymous, New York, New York

Online dating conmen complaints are much more common than you could image. It's important to report this man to the authoritative agencies listed below. After doing so, tell your sibling and your friends that you've done your part to make sure others don't fall victim to scammers on social media. If they're really your friends, they will forgive you in time, although it may take time. A 66-year-old woman we know of was targeted on dating websites by eight different conmen in less than five years. The two most obvious tell-tale signs are bad grammar and lying by claiming to be employed overseas. He then creates stories to elicit money. The farther away from you he lives, the less likely he will be available to meet you in the flesh. You are probably not the only woman this conman is working his sweetheart scams on. He could also be online dating over fifty other woman at the same time using the same lines. Lines he's perfected because they work. Here is an update of warning signs to look for based on a column by Sheryl Harris in The Plain Dealer in Cleveland: A conmen from outside the United States, who says he is a professional living or traveling abroad. Conman usually use instant messaging or TTY services for the death to discuss their un-American accents. A suitor who declares his love for you too quickly. A conman doesn't share specific information about his life or work. A man who sends you a fake photo of a male model or well-dressed older man he's taken off the Internet. Scammers will often string you along for weeks before asking for money. They are known to send flowers and candy to sweeten you up. Beware if they ask you to wire them money so they can make money for you or to pay their travel expenses so they can be with you. There are even conmen who pretend they know someone you know on social media saying they had made a lot of money for that person. In several instances the conman hijacked IM accounts on a famous social media site and by impersonating one of the victim's friends, successfully gained their sitting duck's trust. He may insist on seeing you on a Webcam, even if his Webcam isn't functioning. He wants to make sure you're not a law enforcement agent. Besides, the photo he sent won't match his mug on the Webcam. There is always one drama after the next, because he needs funds for his daughter's college tuition or his mother's hospital bill. He may ask you to handle his banking transactions in the US, that could lean you to becoming his partner in crime. Do not wire money because it is gone the moment you sent it and you can't get it back. He may have bought expensive items on stolen credit cards and want you to send them to him. That, too, could lead you to becoming his partner in crime. Never give out any personal information and certainly not passwords or other information that would allow him to get into your online accounts. To add insult to injury, he might even bully you by lying to you about being a fellow victim of a dating scam; or even pretending to be a law enforcement officer tracking down online dating scammers. A real law enforcement official would never ask you for money or personal information such as your Social Security number or account number over the Internet. If you haven't already done so, report your situation to the dating site, as well as to the following three agencies, as soon as possible: IC3.gov the Federal Internet Crime Complaint Center Fraud.org the National Consumer's Fraud Center The U.S. Postal Inspection Service because you used the postal system. Do you suspect that your online suitor is a swindler? Check him out at romancescams.org. Is the person who is pursuing you the man in his photo? On Google download his photo: Click on images, in the upper left corner of your google search page. When the camera pops up click it and then upload his image to find information about the photo or similar images. For an update on scammers published after this piece, read more at: www.nytimes.com.../swindlers-target-older-women-on-dating-websites

~Didi

Ghosting Dating
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Ghosting Dating

My girlfriend won’t answer my calls or return my texts or emails. I want to find out why she is ghosting me, but she won’t communicate. I had plans all set up to take her to Block Island for the Fourth of July weekend, but I couldn’t get hold of her. I drove by her house several times and her car was gone and her lights were out. She obviously knows I’m trying to reach her. What should I do?

–Anonymous, Mumford, RI

About ghosting dating. When the person you're dating fades away off the radar severing all communication, they are ghosting you. It is easier for them to avoid confrontation rather than having to deal with offering an excuse for breaking up with you. Sometimes disappearing seems to be the kindest option. Do you really want to hear why she is no longer interested in you? It is far easier to be evasive than confrontational when discussing a relationship that wasn't clearly defined from the start. Ghosting is a bi-product of online dating. You block someone and they may as well not exist. Get a grip. You've been ghosted. She is ghosting on you. Accept the fact that your girlfriend is now your former girlfriend. She has either discovered that you've done some egregious deed or she's simply found a love mate in somebody else. As the ghostee you need to take the hint and leave her alone. She is no longer interested and is cutting all ties. Let it be. Nonetheless, don't allow your ghost to haunt you.

~Didi

What about Online Dating
Creative Etiquette Solutions

What about Online Dating

Does joining an online dating site announce to the world that I am desperately seeking a husband? Obviously what I thought I once wanted is not my ex. I learned that hot and heavy doesn’t mean forever. I’ve looked at various online dating sites, but won’t I be at a disadvantage because I’m so publicly available?

–E.L., San Francisco

In general, women find online dating less frustrating and more rewarding than men. So go for it. What do you have to loose? You have the advantage of vetting guys over the course of a dozen or more email messages until you discern the type of person you're most compatible with through a process of a elimination. You may not be wasting your time frivolously. Your criteria becomes more defined. A person who is as well educated or more highly educated than you and who has your same salary or greater, and whose favorite ice-cream is also Ben & Jerry's Half Baked, sounds good to me.

A recent study found that men typcally have to send 25 messages to different women to get a response. A woman only has to send five to receive a reply. Leading researchers are to prone to believing that women have a much larger pool from which to select potential dates, mates, or lovers, than men. In 2013 one popular dating site AreYouInterested, reported that a woman sending a message to a man in her age group has a 18% chance of receiving a response, whereas a man in the same age group has only a 4% chance of receiving a return message. Women clearly have a much larger pool from which to select potential dates, mates, or lovers than men, and can afford to be fussier about who they date. According to Time magazine this week, U.S. the annual number of marriage ceremonies is on a steady decline. With the rate of marriages per 1,000 single women dropping 60% from 1970 to 2012, women are less likely to marry now than in the seventies.

Are women becoming pickier as they earn higher and higher degrees and more and more money? Makes sense to me.

~Didi

Getting Back Together
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Getting Back Together

I recently became reacquainted with an old beau who is interested in rekindling our old romance. After many emails, he finally sent me a photo. He is quite handsome, BUT, he was wearing an earring and a man-necklace. I like everything else about him, but men with earrings and neck chains is not my thing. In fact, it is a complete turn-off. What should I do? Should I just bow out of the situation or ask him how important wearing this jewelry is to him? I don’t want to seem like a bossy or critical person, especially so early in the game. Your Advice?

–Katie, Northeast

Getting back together requires more than mere physical attraction. It requires deep thought and mindfulness. Twice I've tried to rekindle a serious old flame. One told me point blank: You broke it off last time and you know why. With the second, it was obvious that there was still string physical attraction, but again, there was something I knew I couldn't change. The good news is that neither reason was superficial. They both were about sex, and one included monogamy. Neither reason had anything to do with jewelry, but it certainly would have been a challenging issue if I had had to face it. Nonetheless, I would have gotten rid of the jewelry over time -- starting with the earring. As a compromise, 'I won't do such-and-such, if you'll just wear one piece of jewelry at a time.' If you can't talk to this old beau about what irks you about the way he adorns himself, then will you able to talk about the big stuff? Are you going to even be able to agree on which painting to hang over the fireplace mantle? As well as other harder life-altering decisions that include financial planning? It is far easier to drop subtle hints about not liking men's jewelry. For instance, by pointing out in a restaurant a man wearing a bold gold chain around his neck or a brassy bracelet, and I don't mean a watch, and mention that it looks tacky. He'll get the hint that you've tabled the topic of his jewelry for discussion. Or gently ask him to take off a piece of jewelry because it interferes with your love making. Psychologically it is a turn-off for you, so his jewelry will affect your sex life. What you'll learn is that you can gently and slowly change the way a man dresses without criticizing his taste or lifestyle -- if you have the patience. There will be things about you that may turn him off. It comes down to the old grownup version of the game Truth or Dare. Do you two dare to tell the truth? Does he love you enough to forgo the earring after you've told him it's a turn off? Discuss any issues sooner rather than later. Why did you breakup? Does that same make-or-break issue still exist -- such as living on different coasts and now you're on the same coast; or one of you resented paying for everything, and now your incomes are more evenly matched? At some point, you may want to take the relationship quiz that recently appeared in the New York Times -- '36 Ways to Know Your Lover -- which is online here at NewportManners. In the meantime, here again is one of my favorite photos: Brad Pitt, with an earring, as the first ever male face of Chanel.

~Didi

How to Talk to My Husband about His Stalker
Creative Etiquette Solutions

How to Talk to My Husband about His Stalker

My husband’s ex-girlfriend always makes a move on Valentine’s Day. We feel her presence. They spent one Valentine’s together and apparently she harbors deep resentment from the rejection. I get that. We’ve been married four years, but she’s still stalking our marriage. I don’t want to sound like a jealous wife, but it is weird. My husband and I can’t go on LinkedIn without her name and photo popping up — even though she’s not in our networks. We don’t go to places they went to together, but she finds our new spots and shows her face — and always around Valentine’s. My husband even changed his gym, but she found him at the new one and I’ve seen her a couple of times in my spin class. We live in a huge metropolis, so these sightings of her are not coincidental. What do you do about someone with a burned cellphone who calls with a religious chant in the background at eleven o’clock at night and doesn’t say a word? My husband recalls once listening to a CD of a Gregorian chant with her.

–Anonymous, New York City

Apparently some women give themselves a gender pass when it comes to stalking. Most of us have been through a romantic obsession of some sort, but carrying it to this degree is definitely weird. It's narcissistic of her to think she can have a relationship with the two of you, when you want nothing to do with her. Whether she calls once a year or every single day to leave a Gregorian chant, it is bad behavior. Extremely rude. In a perfect world the kind thing to do would be to sit down and talk to her with the intention of dismantling the fantasy. She has to come to grips with reality and cease all contact. As well as get professional counseling to help her grieve and live with her feelings, because when you're aggressive like that -- you're no longer in love. It's obsession -- creepy. Being rejected is a loss. All stalkers have a predilection for predatory violence and sketchy sexual desires.

~Didi

To Attend A Funeral or Not
Creative Etiquette Solutions

To Attend A Funeral or Not

Would it be improper to attend the wake of and old girlfriend’s dad whom I have not seen in forty years?

–Jason, T., Woonsocket. RI

The fact that you're asking means you want to attend, but feel awkward having not seen the deceased in a long time. You would be attending his wake in support of the deceased's family and because you liked and respected him. Wakes can be a social occasion and an opportunity to catch up with old friends and acquaintances. If your gut tells you to go, then attend, because it would not be improper.

~Didi

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in:

You may also be interested in: