Children Archives - Newport Manners

Holiday Top Ten Really Best Table Manners for Kids
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Holiday Top Ten Really Best Table Manners for Kids

My question is about table manners for kids.

My two kids have the worst table manners. My mother-in-law is a stickler for good manners. She’s prim and proper and thinks her five and seven-year-old grandchildren should tote the family line and have good table manners, as well. The big problem is that their friends don’t know how to behave nicely at the table, and kids like to fit in with other kids. Any suggestions?

–CM, Arden, NY

Thank you for your question about table manner for kids.

Find time to take your kids out to eat where there are other people eating. A breakfast out on the weekend. At home you're too busy serving them their food and cleaning up after them, so you'd be less likely to have the patience to talk about table manners in a playful manner.

Role model good table manners and quietly point out the bad manners of other diners.

Talk about outside voices versus inside voices in enclosed spaces -- such as a restaurant.
To keep them focused, play a mind game while waiting for your food.
Talk about why you use a napkin and where it goes.
Elbows on the table are the primary reason why milk glasses topple over.
Don't lay your arms and head on the table for the same reason.
Flatware is not about waving flags and remains on the table or plate when not in use.
Chew with your mouth closed.
Don't talk with your mouth full.
Sit up straight, with feet on the floor.
Bring food to your mouth and don't eat like a dog with your head in the bowl.

You know the drill. Make table manners make sense to your children. When they mirror your good table manners, they win a chance to estimate the tip when the check comes -- and get to keep the change.

Reward the child with a present -- something other than food -- for having been a good, happy guest on Thanksgiving day.

~Didi

Understanding Your Terrible Thirteen-Year-Old
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Understanding Your Terrible Thirteen-Year-Old

Every once in awhile my daughter and her husband find that they both have business trips out of the country during the same period of time and ask me to drive to Cambridge to stay with their three children for a week or so.

When they were younger is was a pleasure to have a grandchild bring me a book and say, “Read to me, Nana.” Now the eldest is in college, the middle child is in boarding school, and I am alone with the arrogant youngest, who resents having me there and seems depressed.

She is surly, rude, and uses unbelievably foul language.

I’ve mentioned her bizarre behavior to my daughter, who laughs it off, saying, “That’s the way 13-year-olds behave.” I find that hard to believe.

–Nana, Springfield, MA

As you no doubt remember, most 13-year-old girls have reached the end of puberty. Hormones have changed your granddaughter's brain during the last two years.

Her body is more mature than her brain and she's trying to figure out how to be a teen.

According to many studies, girl teens express depression more openly and more easily than boy teens, so her rude behavior, as deplorable as it may be, is understandable. She acts out with you.

Children nowadays experience a more prolonged adolescence. What used to be a two-to-four year period biologically is now a 15-year period culturally. Puberty starts before the teen years, but the social skills and cultural aspects of adolescence don't triumph until much later.

Girls have a longer period of time to figure out who they are, what skills to develop, and they have to be in school longer to reach their objective.

Your 13-year-old granddaughter is struggling to become a teenager.
Kids don't necessarily want to feel happy. Feeling sad helps them develop intense feelings - extremes of happiness and sadness.
Puberty makes many kids seek conflict and behavioralists believe that this kind of experimentation can be a good thing when it isn't violent or self-destructive.

Most pubescent kids like feeling the intensity of their own feelings. Intense sadness can be novel and exciting for a thirteen-year-old.

Studies show that eventually most of us prefer being happy and having positive emotions than to being negative and feeling sadness. We don't all want to be happy all of the time.

Perhaps your granddaughter feels close enough to you to know that she can express her deepest emotions around you. Over the years, you have made it safe for your granddaughter to express her emotions. Don't take her rudeness personally.

~Didi

What To Know About The Seriously Sweet Love Of Dunking
Creative Etiquette Solutions

What To Know About The Seriously Sweet Love Of Dunking

Do you dunk or drown? Is dunking an etiquette faux pas?

We’re having a great debate and looking for you to break the tie.

–Meredith, Cincinnati, Ohio

To dunk or not to dunk? Dunking is a sweet debate.

Put simply, dunking is a messy game. Kids drowning graham crackers in their milk is one thing, in an grownup setting it's messy business.

Recently a poll of 600 adults, discovered that 52% thought it was bad manners.
You better watch out if you're ever thinking about dunking a biscuit in an English tea room, because you could well be asked to leave.
You may even see a sign such as this:

The un-savoury habit of dunking biscuits is strictly prohibited and will result in you being asked to leave the tea rooms.

Feasibly such an offense as dunking would insult any hostess anywhere. When you're a guest it is quite simply not considerate.

Who wants to fish out the dregs at the bottom of your cup after you've gone home.

Let's face it, you can't not make a mess dunking. If you must dunk, be sure that what you're dunking is sturdy enough to save itself from drowning.

~Didi

Body Shaming — Body Image — Daughters and Sons
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Body Shaming — Body Image — Daughters and Sons

My question is about how to handle body shaming and body image.

Our eleven-year-old burst into tears last night and told us that boys at school made fun of her by calling her “whale tail.” She’s pleasantly plump, but she has a lovely disposition and is very bright and funny so has lots of girlfriends and a gay guy friend. Her brothers are also chubby, so they don’t tease her. When we asked the boys if their chubbiness has been made fun of at school, they said they hadn’t.

Making a big deal of this will only call attention to the unfortunate name calling, and could lead to making “Whale Tail” a permanent nickname. What do you suggest?

–LL, Salem, MA

Body shaming is not healthy for your daughter's body image. First of all, help your daughter to persevere when being bullied. The kids who are bullying her now are the same boys who will be bullying her next year and the year following that. You need to bully-proof your daughter by building up her resilience.

Make sure nobody in the home is teasing anybody about being overweight, because if a child feels secure at home she will be more resilient to name calling outside the home. When kids consistently accept who they are, they are better equipped to handle the cruel bullying in the schoolyard.
Encourage your daughter to try different activities to find one or two she can become engrossed in, such as a musical instrument, drawing, painting, singing, cooking, basketball, acting, until she finds her passion.
Don't be the makeup mom who overpraises her child for achievement she doesn't deserve, because she'll see through you. It backfires.
The compliment should match the accomplishment.
When she's upset, teach her to calm down by being mindful of her reactions to having been teased. Have her draw a cartoon, do a jigsaw puzzle, practice yoga, make a healthy salad for the family, or read a book.
Suggest that she be brave and talk directly to the person who teases her to tell him that he makes her feel badly when he calls her names, even if she needs an adult to facilitate the conversation.

At the end of the day, you don't want to support maladaptive thinking, because negative thoughts contribute to a child's low self-esteem and insecurities. You don't want her to dwell on the teasing. As a parent you can't protect your daughter from being bullied on the school playground. Nevertheless, you can build up her resilience by giving her effective coping tools that will serve her into adulthood. Being considerate of other people's feelings is good etiquette.

~Didi

Carpool Parenting — Teens
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Carpool Parenting — Teens

My question is about carpool parenting with teens.

Our daughter’s school in Providence is a forty minute commute each way. When it is my husband or my turn to carpool with two other fourteen-year-olds we learn about our daughter’s social life through the chatter.

Generally she never talks much to us, but she joins in the banter with the two other carpoolers, a boy and a girl. We’re not thrilled hearing about the promiscuity and the smoking of e-cigarettes and marijuana.

Mainly the gossip is about who does what, where, when and with or to whom. They’ve gotten so that they forget that a parent is behind the wheel.

They assume we’re listening to music on our EarPods while they tell tales of their exploits and their classmates mischievous – and often illegal – adventures.

Since our daughter won’t discuss these activities we’re loathe to question her when alone with her. Not that her parents weren’t known to have experimented up until we got married, we don’t want to lose her trust.

The parents association at her school is quite prideful about how presumably straight the children are, but we’re worried about what we’re hearing inadvertently. Our first thought is to talk to the principal.

However, if we do that we would be implicating not only the other two students in the carpool, but our daughter as well. How do we parents go about helping the school help the students?

–Name Withheld, Providence, RI

Your question about carpool parenting with teens brings up so many issues. For instance, if these stories you're hearing are happening on the school campus, it is school business.

Insecure teenager at school with girls gossiping.

If these are after-school activities, the school may very well tell you that it is not in their purview to monitor what students do off campus.

The exception is most likely when either overdosing, suicide or bullying are factors, because death or/and mental health effects all of the students and the entire community.

Make an anonymous phone call to the school on a blocked number to communicate your concerns anonymously. Otherwise you will have to write an anonymous letter to the principal documenting your concerns with a couple of anecdotes.

Unless you're worried about naming a bully or a student committing suicide or a violent/terrorist incident , you may be able to get away with not ratting out your daughter and her friends.

Alternatively, make an appointment to talk with anonymity to the school psychologist off campus. As you probably know, talking this out with your daughter could either bring you closer or lock an already closed door. If you feel she is too immature to see the larger picture - the consequences of what's going on - she may shut you out for awhile. When you learn from eavesdropping during your carpool rides that your teenager is personally making very good decisions herself, you can bring up your concerns over time.

~Didi

Mr. Mom — Parenting — Better Conversations with Your Children
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Mr. Mom — Parenting — Better Conversations with Your Children

My question is about parenting social skills. Our time with our son is too short and making conversation at breakfast, on the way to the bus stop, or at the end of the day is hard to get going. We don’t know what’s on his mind other than the games on his Xbox.

Trying to make a conversation with our son usually seems forced, but we’re determined to encourage civilized conversations.

What do you ask after “How was your day?”

–Mr. Mom, Los Angeles

Mr. Mom and moms of all kind everywhere, parenting social skills takes patience and keen listening. Aside from being authentically enthusiastic about your child's interests, you want him to open up to you about any fears, anger or disappointment he may be experiencing. Start off by talking about the positive, because children don't like talking about their bad feelings. At breakfast or on the way to the bus stop, ask, "What are you going to do that is awesome today?" Then at supper, ask, "What was your favorite part of your day?" Or, "What did you do that was fun today?"

Once you get him talking about what interests him, detect and acknowledge any gripe, frustration, injustice,or disappointment he may be feeling.

When possible let him know how you felt when you were in a similar situation. Tell him a story he can relate to, and assure him to understand that those feelings won't last for long.
Should his concern be a household problem that can be solved within the family, help him solve the problem.
While you're at, confide him some of your own mistakes, especially if you are someone who overreact. It should be clear to him that we all make mistakes and we backtrack to self-correct.
Take care in how you criticize your child. If you feel you have to, start by praising him about what he's done right in the situation before suggesting how he could have done better.
Stir clear of talking badly about others as Little Pitchers Have Big Ears. When he hears you passing judgement or being critical of someone else, he may well grow to fear that you feel badly about him too.
Make a ritual of spending ten minutes with him before he goes to bed to take his emotional pulse. Did he have a good day? What was the best thing that happened to him today? Once he's told you what he is happy about, he may well reveal something that he is unhappy about.

At the end of the day, parenting is really about being a keen listener, so that you can tune into anything that may be bothering him and help him solve his problem by making suggestions.

~Didi

Talking to Children about Our Rape Culture
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Talking to Children about Our Rape Culture

My concern is how do we talk to our children about our rape culture?

Nothing brings out what’s bothering children faster than a captive, noisy road trip. Our family of six spent over 15 cozy hours driving to and from Maine to spend Thanksgiving with my parents.

The reward, aside from seeing mom and dad, was that cellphones were turned off in the car, forcing us to tune in to, and untangle, the squabbling between our tweens and teens.

My husband and I were so involved with outcomes of elections that we neglected to clear up subjects inadvertently gnawing at our children that were blatantly exposed by the media over the past year. Here are some of the questions that surfaced.

These were the easy ones.

What is rape?
What is groping?
Why does the new president grope women, even those who are already married?
How come a president can get away with breaking the law?
If the president kills someone or has someone liquidated, does he get arrested?
You say we can’t use the word pussy, but the new president uses it, so how bad can the word be?
We get fined 25 cents every time we use the b, c, or f words. Does the president?
Do his children get fined the way we do?

Needless to say, we’re looking forward to future road trips.

–Anonymous

At least you and your husband are listeners interested in the concerns of your children. Sadly, we live in a rape culture. Rape is not only about sex, it is about power. We reward the objectification of women because it is the route to social status. Whether harassed by catcalls on the sidewalk, targeted unfairly at your workplace, suffering objectification by the media, or being assaulted by the more obvious acts of violence, rape and murder, don't avoid talking about these issues with your older children.

For example, the world viewed Trump describe trying to seduce a married woman without having a clue as to how she might feel about his assault. As the pussy-grabber-in-chief-elect, Trump thinks it makes him appear more masculine than the man who does not treat women as sexual objects.

With the teens, regale them with the downfall tale of former prime minister of Italy Silvio Berlusconi, who has much in common with Trump. Both are known womanizers. In their early seventies and overly tanned. Real estate tycoons, who didn't pay taxes. And pride themselves on being cleverer than the media, outsmarting journos with every obnoxious quote.

But five years ago, Italian women rose up and marched a million strong to tell the world that sexism and misogyny are not just wrong but bigoted. They told the world that they didn't want to be living in a fifties movie any longer: Berlusconi was out. When still in power he was asked about the fast rising statistics of sexual violence in Italy. Berlusconi smooched it off by saying, "We don't have enough soldiers to stop rape, because our women are so beautiful." Wrestle with that non sequitur.

For instance, in answer to the rape question. Try an empathy-teaching response such as, "You wouldn't seriously force yourself on a girl, or another person, like that, would you?"
Your husband could say, "I've never felt that it would be nice to force myself on anyone."

According to the US Justice Department, a rape or attempted rape occurs every five minutes in this country, and yet we know that many, many more go unreported. The Million Women's March on Washington, D.C., the day after the inauguration, won't merely be a march against the sexist pussy-grabber-in-chief Trump: the gathering should be all abut communicating the idea that women are the nation. images-22

~Didi

10 Halloween Manners Tips for Children
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10 Halloween Manners Tips for Children

The scariest part of the tradition of trick-or-treating at Halloween is the worry that our children who are allergic to tree nuts will come in contact with peanuts, which is the third ingredient (after sugar and chocolate) in most treats sold for kids. How do we get the scariness of the treat away from our fear and make the tradition a fun teaching opportunity?

–Name Withheld

As terrifying for children scared of other masqueraders, Halloween can be a real nightmare for the parents who are afraid their child will bite into something that will hurt them -- from razor blades to peanuts. For a child of any age, going door to door asking for treats takes social skills and manners. Aside from birthday party manners, Halloween is the most significant holiday manners-wise. Ahead of time, read to your child "The Berenstain Bears Happy Halloween." Then have fun role playing the knocking on the door and the script below to familiarize the child with the nuances of the Halloween tradition:

Look for the knocker or bell and use one of those before pounding on the door or window of a residence that celebrates Halloween with a pumpkin, or other themed display.
Be sure they ask politely, "Treat, please." Or an older child would say, "May I please have a treat?"
When asked who they are dressed as (when it is not obvious), the child should be prepared to say, "I'm one of the Berenstain Bears, Sister Bear."
When told to only pick two treats, they should only take two.
It is polite to take the first candy closest to them. In other words, they shouldn't scoop through the bowl to find a purple lollipop, because if there isn't one on top the purple may have been taken.
Have the child choose only treats that are individually wrapped and sealed in their original wrapping.
When the child has a nut tree or other allergy, he should show the treat to his parent/caregiver for approval and place it back in the bowl, if he can't eat it.
When there is nothing the child likes or can eat, she should take one treat and give it to her parent so as to not hurt the little old lady's feelings.
Remind the child that once he's taken the treat, he should not put it back to exchange it for a different one.
Thank the person for the treat. If possible, by naming the sweet. "Thank you for the lollipops!"

~Didi

Is Tattle Telling A Sin
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Is Tattle Telling A Sin

Is tattle telling a sin, because my daughter’s best friend is having sex and she’s only fourteen? I’m concerned about her getting pregnant and I’m also worried about her being a bad influence on my daughter and her friends. My daughter is adamant about my not telling the girl’s mother, who is pregnant, because it will upset her. Who should I talk to, what can I do?

–Anonymous, Newport, RI

A recent New York Times survey 'How old were you when you first had sex?' found that 58% of those surveyed answered anywhere between 13 and 19 years old. The primary concern is NOT whether of not tattle telling is a sin. The focus should be on the mental and physical health and well-being of your 14-year-old's sexually active friend. Not only is there a link between sexual promiscuity and depression (according to a study published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology), but teen girls are less likely to use birth control when depressed.

Find out how thorough the sexual curriculum in your daughter's school is and make an appointment to talk to the professional in charge, mentioning that you are concerned about fourteen-year-olds having sex. Your intention is to have a health professional reach out to the child to make sure she understands birth control options and to encourage her to talk to her mother. At that point, ask the professional if you should discuss the situation with the girl's mother, or should she take the lead? Be forewarned that, sadly, many schools -- in states such as Rhode Island -- still do not include sex education in the curriculum for younger teens. If you do not want to get the school involved, buy the pregnant mother a small baby present and make a date to have coffee with her, saying you have a gift from you and your daughter. Over a cup of java or tea, ask the girl's mother if you could confide in her before telling her you are concerned that "the girls are having sex so young and what should we do about birth control for them." She might get up and walk out, and hate you forever. Or she may welcome the chance to confide in you, too. After you've told her, what you tell your daughter is up to you. Go online to find information on teens having sex at PsychologyToday.com.

~Didi

How to Handle A Controlling Son in Law
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How to Handle A Controlling Son in Law

Can you please tell me how to handle a controlling son in law? He always insists on calling the shots and the decisions he makes aren’t ones I always agree with. How should I handle him? The decisions are about how our grandchildren treat us.

–Grandpa, Seattle, WA

The dilemma of how to handle a controlling son in law is complicated. It's too bad you cannot talk to him face to face to tell him what you think. You might assume that he is not a listener. You can't go to your daughter sounding like the class snitch who tattletales on the kids who aren't doing what they're supposed to be doing. You're disappointed that your grandchildren are picking up on his feelings toward you. At a gentle family gathering try to bring up the fact that "Little pitchers have big ears." Chances are if he stops saying negative things about you in front of your grandchildren, they will like you more. Nevertheless, if he is jostling for a position to put his own parents forward as favorites, he should still show more respect. Should gentleness fail, you may have to ask your daughter for guidance. At any rate, coming out in the open and being honest about how you feel would be a positive move on your part. At least you will know that you tried.

~Didi

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