• THE PROBLEM WITH PLUS ONE — Wedding Etiquette
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THE PROBLEM WITH PLUS ONE — Wedding Etiquette
We’re overwhelmed by the number of our friends — who after receiving their save-the-date cards — have asked if they can bring a plus one to our wedding this summer. The best man asked us if he could bring a mutual friend as his plus one. He wants to know if he can get him invited to our wedding!
      We know the guy who wants to be the best man’s plus one, so if we wanted him to come to our wedding, we would have sent him a save-the-date card. How do we handle this?

–BC, Seattle, WA

The whole plus one situation can be murky. A guest bringing his own guest. Especially if the plus one knows the wedding couple and knows that he wasn't invited. A wedding isn't just any party. It is a celebration of a marriage.
      You only invite people whom you like, like a lot, or love. If you, the bride and groom, had wanted the wanna be plus one at your wedding, you would have invited him.
      What to know about plus one:
  • As the host, unless you're not particular, make a list of assumed single people you are inviting whom you want to extend a plus one invitation to your wedding.
  • If the guest doesn't list his plus one's name on the reply care to the ceremony, find out the name of the guest your guest is bringing as their plus one.
  • Add that person's name to your guest list after the original guest's name on the spreadsheet. That way if the name of the plus one changes, at least you're keeping a correct head count.
      What people who haven't hosted a wedding don't know is this:
  • As a guest, he or she is being invited because they're liked by the wedding couple or their parents.
  • If a mutual friend hasn't been invited, it is because the bride and groom don't want him at their wedding, so it is in bad manners to bring him as your plus one.
  • It can be hurtful to the plus one to be told they weren't invited because they aren't liked, so don't push it.
  • Make it clear that if a guest is bringing a plus one, s/he sends a gift from the bridal registry from both the original guest and his/her plus one.
  • The plus one can certainly send his own gift from the bridal registry, as a thank-you for having been invited, but don't count on it.
At this age when your guests are apt to be in one of the various stages of complicated, dramatic or knotty coupledom or uncoupling or single, choose your plus ones carefully.
      Who gets a plus one to the wedding?
  • Don't get caught up in being stuck with a revolving guest list of unwanted plus ones -- surprises that you either don't know or don't like.
  • Do give a plus one to a friend's SO when they've been together for over six months and you've met him or her more than once.
  • Don't give an open plus one because you're stuck if you know the plus one and don't like him or her.
  • Do give a guest traveling from afar, who may not know people at your wedding, the option of having a plus one.
  • Don't think you have to offer all of your extended family members plus ones, the fact that they're family means that they'll have people to talk to at the wedding anyway.
  • Do ask single participants in your bridal party if they would like a plus one, and get the name and address of the person to whom you can send an invitation.
  • Don't get talked into giving someone a plus one once the list has been finalized, which is after the cutoff date for the reply card return. Even if he says, "She's the one. I can't wait for you to meet her."
      Important: On your wedding website, in person, and by word of mouth, get the word out that it is a "small wedding" and that you are not giving out many plus ones because you have a tight and concise guest list.
  • Often the size of the list depends upon the fire code of the venue where the reception is taking place.
  • Leave your answer at that.
  • A small wedding is in the eye of the beholder. What a small wedding may be to you, might look like a big wedding to me.
     Be clear, your actual invitation list is key to controlling the amount of plus ones: 
  • Couple: With a good pen print the names of the guests who are invited on the outside and inside envelopes (if you're using two both).

Mr. Matthew J. Whitman (guest)

Ms. Annie Louise Kelley (plus one)

(their address)

  • For a family: when residing at the same address, list on the inside and outside envelopes the names of the children you wish to invite. For instance you may not have accommodations for small children and babies. You can also list, or just list, those names in the upper left hand corner of the actual invitation:
Mr. and Mrs. William Wilson
Miss Alice Wilson (under19)
Mr. William Wilson, Jr.   (14)
Master Jake Wilson (under 12)
(the address on the outside envelope)

~Didi

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  • Wedding Update 2017
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Wedding Update 2017

We’re getting married in September 2017 and for both of us it is our second wedding. What can you tell us about weddings now after an interval of six years? Both or our first weddings were quite simple, but this time we’re going all out.

–JL, Buffalo, NY

At NewportManners, we're seeing a lot of questions about the importance of having a pre-nuptial agreement. Also, problems tend to arise in unconventional families where there are different cultures and when step-relatives have to be placated by the wedding couple. Pulling it all together gracefully and economically are top goals. In a nutshell, here are the most asked questions that you should be aware of and talk about amongst yourselves:
  • Pre-nuptial agreements can set a nasty tone. Unless the dos and don'ts of what points should be included - and which could be eliminated or altered - are made by agreement, work for both. Like any agreement, you have to compromise.
  • What percentage of the guest list is taken up by the parents? At least sixty percent of the quests are those of the bride and groom. The other forty percent are divided between the parents of the wedding couple to include their closest friends and family members.
  • There are problems when you invite young children to a formal or semiformal wedding. Children can be invited to the ceremony but not to the reception.That information has to be made clear on the couple's wedding website.
  • Find a way to make the fathers and stepfathers feel they have a role by giving them specific responsibilities for the day of the wedding.
  • Make the mother-of-the-groom feel included by asking for her advice and ideas.
  • Come up with ways to maximize the photography investment.
  • The problem with the cost of the wedding for attendants. The bridesmaids dresses and groomsmen's outfits should be affordable. When possible the hosts should offer to help cover expenses for attendants who are students or others who are known to be under financial strain.
  • Be sure to include customs of the melding families in the various festivities.
  • The timeline for the wedding festivites - and especially the ceremony and  reception - are the key to a great wedding.
  • Figure out your budget and who is paying for what.
  • Design a monogram.
  • As soon as you have a timeline, monogram, and wedding registry set up your wedding website.
  • Choose between an online wedding registry or your favorite  brick-and-mortor store early to help keep track of what you need.
  • The bride should decide whether of not to take her husband's surname after the wedding.
  • Someone should be appointed to be the point person on coordinating transportation.
  • Listen to the band or DJ first hand before hiring.
  • Be sure to get signed contracts from all the vendors: the hairdresser, videographer, florist, caterer, the band manager, wedding cake baker and chauffeur, etc.
  • And don't forget to find out whether the tip is included in the cost of the contract.
   

~Didi

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  • Inviting Extended Family to A Baby Shower
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Inviting Extended Family to A Baby Shower

I have to provide a list of people (friends and family from my side of family) to be invited to my daughter-in-law’s baby shower. Many of the relatives are estranged. These would be some aunts and cousins of my son. I don’t know how to handle this. I feel silly inviting people I don’t talk to. They are my husband’s sisters.  Consequently my son has never gotten to know them or his cousins very well because of this. Yet, I don’t want anyone to feel slighted and make matters worse.

–Becca

People like to be invited, but they also know that showers are a push for presents. Especially when they don't know the honoree, it can be awkward for both the inviter and invitee. On the other hand, family events such as a baby shower present themselves as a golden opportunity to catch up with estranged family members. Invite the relatives you would like to see again. The ones who live an hour or more away would not be expected to be invited. It goes without saying, those who have never met the baby's parents, would not be invited. What I'm suggesting is to invite relatives you would like to reconnect with and/or generally adore, and do not stress yourself out about the others. Everyone knows you cannot invite everybody, so invite those whom you are fond of, as well as those who have invited you to similar family events.

~Didi

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  • Children as Wedding Guests
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Children as Wedding Guests

What age is appropriate for children, under the age of 18, to attend a 4:30pm wedding and reception afterwards, in a large country club? And what should a girl of 10, and boys wear for this event? Thank you very much.

–Lynn

In my humble opinion, children under 21 do not belong at grownup parties where alcohol is being served. Even children who are part of the bridal party, such as ring bearers and flower girls, after attending the ceremony and photo shoot should be taken home. An exception would be a big family wedding where activities have been organized and caregivers are on hand to supervise. For insurance/liability reasons, country clubs have become careful (with good reason) about not allowing children into areas of the club where alcohol is served. Signs at the bars say, No Children in The Bar Area. Children means anyone under the legal drinking age of 21. Teenagers should be forewarned. If it is not an adult only wedding and your children have specifically been invited by name, then the club has agreed that children can be present and are taking on the liability. If you are not sure, call the host to ask a couple of questions: Will there be other children my children's ages? Will there be accommodations at the reception just for children? For instance a children's table and/or a separate room showing a movie such as 'Frozen'? In other words, how will children be entertained over the course of a three, four or five hour reception that includes a cocktail hour, dinner and dancing? Now that that's out of the way, let's dress the children. When the wedding invitation does not specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses. A teenage lad would wear a suit, or at the very least a jacket/blazer, with dress khaki trousers or grey flannels, a collared-shirt and handsome tie. That is the dress code for boys ten years and older. A ten-year-old-girl would wear her best party dress, tights, and party shoes. We do need to caution you about bringing children to a large country club wedding. If there are not any children their age, they may not have a good time. At any rate, you'll have to keep a constant eye on them when you should be having a good time yourself.  

~Didi

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  • Reluctant Wedding Guests
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Reluctant Wedding Guests

My granddaughter is getting married next summer. She knows that my husband and I have many friends, and she wants us to invite some of them to the wedding. Her mother, my daughter, is divorced and has very few friends so I feel that we’re supposed to compensate for that. But most of our friends are members of our congregation and my granddaughter hasn’t participated in that and doesn’t really know most of our friends. It feels odd and uncomfortable for me to invite them. I’d appreciate your advice and opinion.

–Name and location withheld

It is incredibly thoughtful of your granddaughter to encourage you to invite your friends to her wedding. Most of the time relatives complain that they want to invite friends, but cannot. On the other hand, just as you would not attend the funeral of someone you never knew, you wouldn't attend the wedding of someone you don't know. Set your criteria for which of your friends you feel comfortable about inviting. In other words, the criteria would be that your guests would have met your granddaughter before the wedding. That should narrow your contribution to the list down a bit. Have a frank and clear discussion with your granddaughter. Tell her it would be awkward for you to invite friends who did not know her: people don't go to weddings when they don't know either the bride or the groom. Say you would not want your friends to think you are inviting them as a push to get more wedding presents for your granddaughter. If she is old enough to get married, she is old enough to understand that people are wise to the fact that when being asked to attend a wedding of someone they do not really know, it is a push for a present.

~Didi

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