Adult Children Archives - Newport Manners

SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS — BRINGING HOME THE GIRLFRIEND
Creative Etiquette Solutions

SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS — BRINGING HOME THE GIRLFRIEND

Our son is bringing home his girlfriend of three months for Thanksgiving and I’m concerned about how to handle sleeping arrangements. She can stay in the guest room and he can be in his old room, but how do I say this without appearing stuffy? We’ve had no indication as to whether they’ve had sex or not, but we’ve met her once and liked her very much.

They’ll be with us for three nights and we don’t want them to feel that they have to sneak around. On the other hand, we don’t want them to assume that we think that they’re having sex. They are in their early thirties and he’s our only child so we haven’t come across the situation lately.

How do we discuss this with them without appearing judgmental or meddling?

–Fuddy Duddy Parents, Boston

Dear not-so Fuddy Duddy parents, your son and his friend are in their early thirties and he's bringing her home for the holidays. Assume they're having sex, but offer separate rooms -- if you happen to have a spare. Assume he'll leave his bag in his room and she'll keep her's in another room. Leave plenty of space to allow them to have privacy.

When your son comes in the door with his bag, say,"Your room and the guest room are both made up, so you can put the bags in both rooms, if you like." Acknowledging that they both can have private space during the long weekend will show your respect for their relationship. And that you're not necessarily assuming they are having sex.

Take the focus off the sleeping arrangements because they may be as apprehensive about their sleeping in your house as you are.
Don't take her to her room, let your son lead the way.
Tell her to let you know if she needs anything, such as more towels or bottled water.
Don't turn down the beds for them as a way of ordering them which beds to sleep in.
Let your son and his girlfriend choose where they sleep.
Remind them to help themselves to food and beverages.
Once they've settled in, make her comfortable by asking her if she has any food allergies and to be sure to tell you if there is anything she cannot eat.

Especially during the holidays -- when our roles as parents becomes especially stretched and stressed -- focus on making good lasting memories. Relax, light a fire, provide a leisurely breakfast.

Most importantly, be good memory makers, so that they'll wish to come home again.

Happy Holidays from,

~Didi

Graduation Presents
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Graduation Presents

Is it possible to ask our son’s relatives and our close friends to send him money instead of boxed graduation presents? He needs money for college. He doesn’t want some random article of clothing, bedding or towels.

We’re having a graduation party early in the evening with the older people and then he’s going off with his friends. I know guests will feel that they have to bring a wrapped boxed gift: he won’t pretend to act all gushy and grateful about having to unwrap it in front of them.

–Cecily, Worcester, MA

For graduation presents, it would be more polite to ask for gift cards and suggest stores he'll use. For instance gift cards for CVS, J.Crew, Bed Bath & Beyond could be utilized before he leaves home -- or at college.

A Starbucks or a Subway can be found pretty readily in most college towns.
The only problem with gift cards is that they can go missing, but so can checks.
Placing a twenty dollar, fifty dollar, or hundred bill in a gift envelope with his name on it, would probably work best.
Be honest with your family and friends. Just say, "Zack doesn't want stuff, he only wants cash."

Cash in an envelope is a graduation present a guest coming to your son's grad party can walk in with, handover to your son, and in return receive a firm handshake from the graduate. Tell your son that. Get the word out: Gift card or cash. Don't expect him to write a thank-you note. Nevertheless, spending a modicum amount of time with a gift giving guest can go a long way.

~Didi

Communicating With Adult Children About Difficult Subjects
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Communicating With Adult Children About Difficult Subjects

As the parents of triplets we’ve always made a great effort to treat them equally communicating frequently. Not easy. Especially now that they’re in college it is difficult to communicate. There are some things you don’t want to text because you want to be able to give them emotional support in person.

My wife, their mother, was recently diagnosed with chronic lymphocytic leukemia. We had planned to tell the triplets when they were home over Thanksgiving weekend, on that Friday after the feast. Now one of them cannot come because she has to work, and she lives on the other coast. What would you do? We wanted to tell all three the bad news at the same time but now that is not possible.

–Jason, Seattle, WA

Start communicating. Quickly shoot off an email addressed to all three. You want to send it immediately so that they have time to call you in advance of their arrival to ask questions. It will give you a little one-on-one time to chat before two of them arrive. Of course, the one who is not able to come home for the holiday will feel the worst because she's not there, so follow up with subsequent updates. Continue the updates addressed to all three. Consider the time zones where the triplets live so that two of them don't receive your update while the other is still asleep.

~Didi

Thanksgiving Guest Etiquette
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Thanksgiving Guest Etiquette

My question is about Thanksgiving guest etiquette.

What should we know about being perfect guests? My fiancée and I are spending the long Thanksgiving weekend as guests of my aunt and uncle. It is a mini-family reunion with my parents, and brother and sister-in-law, who have a toddler.

–AJ, Middletown, RI

Thanksgiving Guest Etiquette Never arrive empty handed, and I don't mean that pushing your wheeled garment bag will do. Bring a small hostess gift. Either really good chocolates or bottle of wine, or flowers. If you know they will read it, bring a current best-selling thriller. Be mindful of setting up your technology.

Help out often. Be tidy and always thankful.

In a nut shell:

Be in the present and I not texting your office or dog-sitter every half hour. Be in the here and now.

Share your travel plans ahead of time. Communicate delays and changes along the way. That means clarifying exactly who you'll be arriving with, how you'll be getting there, and the time of your arrival. Include the time and day of your departure.

Will you be needing directions? Renting a car at the airport? Arriving in an Uber or do you need the name of the local cab company? Do you have to be picked up at the train station? Running behind schedule, let your host know by phoning her to tell her not to wait dinner for your arrival. Ask if you need to bring a tie and jacket.

Bring up any special needs ahead of time so your host is not blindsided. Such as asking if you can bring your dog, because your dog sitter isn't available. Or announcing that your child is allergic to tree nuts.

Special dietary needs can be a bummer for your host, but it doesn't have to be if you can be either silent or flexible about your issues.

Be helpful, pitch in. Even if it is to take out the garbage. Offer to lay the logs for the fire, open the wine bottles, sweep the dusting of snow off the porch, go out to buy ice or ice-cream.

Be a self-sustaining guest by not asking for the WiFi info while your hostess is whipping up the pumpkin pie to put in the oven. Ask all your tech questions during a down time, such as where to charge your phone.

Keep all your possessions in one place, and not strewn out all over the house; that includes your tech gear and puffer jacket.

Don't charge your phone in the kitchen, but in your room; away from a child's reach.

When answering texts, emails and phone calls, find a quiet place where you won't be in the way and condense your tech time into small doses.

Bring your own charger, but don't charge your phone in heavily trafficked areas such as the kitchen, dinning room, front hall, bathroom.

Share WiFi, don't hog it.

Never leave the house without asking, "Is there anything I can pick up for you?"

Volunteer (I can't emphasis this enough.) to walk the dog, play checkers or read to the child, load the dishwasher. Be useful. You're visiting not to be waited on, you're there to participate.

Before going off to bed the final night of your visit, ask your host what you should do about your towels and bed linens: fold them and leave them at the foot of your bed in the morning or take all used linens to the laundry room? Empty your wastepaper basket.

When you get home, within two weeks follow up with a thank-you note giving a recap of the highlights of your visit.

My point is this. If you wish to be invited again, be a good guest and follow the above. images-33

~Didi

7 Spring Break Tips
Creative Etiquette Solutions

7 Spring Break Tips

We are freaking out about our daughter going off on her first spring break. She looks older than her age, and her friends are seemingly more sophisticated than she is. How can we assist in setting her up for a good experience without being accused of being over-protective helicopter parents?

–CW, Mattapoisett, MA

Nervous about spring break expectations and speculations? You're not alone. It is every parent's nightmare from hell. You can navigate the letting go without hovering too closely. Send your daughter the attached University of Virginia infographic.jpg from gordiecenter.studenthealth.virginia.edu to remind her that you will be thinking about her health and safety while she is on spring break. Additionally, try bringing up your concerns (some of which are listed here) in conversation. SSB Infographic

* Ask about her plans. Planning a successful trip requires preparation, especially if she is taking medications. Will she have enough birth control for instance or latex condoms, if she is sexually active? Does she need to be vaccinated? Apply for a visa? Should she notify her bank that she'll be using her debit or credit card in Costa Rica? Does she have a confirmed reservation that coincides with her arrival and departure dates for the place where she is staying? It's best to arrive with a reservation number. If she's going camping on St. John in the Virgin Islands, she'll need mosquito repellent. 17229048262_5496df9903_o-300x300

Have her send you her itinerary. Make her promise to use sunscreen, even if she's going skiing, and to text you every so often. Ask her to text immediately with any change in plans. *Warn her about the prevalence of sexually transmitted diseases because women are more likely to be victims of sexual assault than men. Sexual assault is usually unprotected. *Think safety. More Americans under thirty die from unintentional injuries than any other cause. Think seat belts, life jacket, ski helmet and have the right gear. The facts are clear, unintentional injuries and acts of violence are among the top ten killers of Americans of all ages. 12347213-Happy-carefree-mountain-bike-couple-cycling-outdoors-and-leading-a-healthy-lifestyle--Stock-Photo

12347213-Happy-carefree-mountain-bike-couple-cycling-outdoors-and-leading-a-healthy-lifestyle--Stock-Photo

*Warn her to protect her eyes from the sun. If she has contacts, she needs to take lens cleaners and a spare pair of glasses, and wear sunglasses in warm places or ski goggles in snowy ones during the day. *Support sports and activities that keep young adults out of the bars, like downhill skiing, rock climbing, and scuba diving. *Eat and play healthfully. She should opt to avoid alcohol and any type of smoking whenever possible. What she smokes in her dorm is most likely less potent than what she'll be offered on spring break. And as to those dirty little pills that are often handed around like M&M'S, who knows what they really contain? *Know who your daughter is traveling with because she'll need a 'buddy,' should there be a problem. Stress the importance of the buddy system. Always let a reliable friend know where you are while traveling. SPI-001

Some parents make their kids sign a pledge not to smoke or drink with a reward after a period of time for not imbibing. That, or they tell them their own personal horror stories of mistakenly drinking the acid-laden tropical punch from the party fountain in St. Thomas or eating too many mushrooms in Santa Fe. Then there is the frightening story of Gordie Bailey, a college freshman, who died of alcohol poisoning, the result of fraternity hazing. The great thing about texting is they don't have an excuse for not contacting you, unless of course they loose their phone or there isn't a cell tower; both of which are feasible. Couple-Running2-1

I strongly believe that you can never caution your children too often about sex, drugs, and alcohol. For more information on keeping your daughter safe on her spring break, check out the GordieFoundation.org and send your daughter the link to their YouTube Haze https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAiaYOVzhXo You're not alone. Most of us feel we are deficient when it comes to parenting skills. On the other hand, the importance of allowing young women to take risks is a risk we as parents have to take, too. Adventures build self-confidence and foster independence. According to a recent study in the Journal of Pediatric Psychology, moms and dads are "four times more likely to tell girls than boys to be more careful." When we warn young women to be careful are we, in fact, undermining their self-confidence? iStock_000017269589Large-2

~Didi

Gift Giving — What to Give His Boyfriend
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Gift Giving — What to Give His Boyfriend

About gift giving. Since our forty-something son is bringing his same-sex partner to our Christmas dinner (of eighteen total), we wouldn’t be surprised if they announced that they’re getting married. That’s what his sister thinks.

As we’re retired, we give only a small gift to everyone attending, such as a pair of socks. We give one check to his sister and her husband, because we know full well the financial constraints of pleasing young children at Christmas.

What should we do about a gift for this unexpected guest?

–Anonymous, Worcester, MA

Gift giving can be tricky in the most familiar of circumstances. Even if you have a refitting drawer, socks and ties are never a good idea unless you know someone's style.

Best to keep it sweet. Brownies nicely wrapped in a bright red bow, or a loaf of pumpkin, or orange-cranberry, bread would be fitting for the season. Even if your son's partner brings you and your husband his own gifts, you are not required to give him anything personal such as an article of clothing. But fresh baked goods are a gift the two men can share as a couple at home. Better still, don't bring up marriage, engagement, nuptials or anything wedding related. When they are ready to let you know their plans, they'll tell you their plans. RedWhiteGIfts-1

~Didi

Allergen + Cellphone-Free Thanksgiving
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Allergen + Cellphone-Free Thanksgiving

No matter how hard I try to get my family all together and abide by the allergen-free drill, someone is always disappointed. One apparent fussy eater doesn’t like Brussel sprouts and the next day I find them on the floor under the table. Or the lactose-free ice cream had disappeared the night before. The gravy is not gluten-free, there’s too much sugar in the cranberry sauce, and not enough salt in the mashed potatoes.

And yet Thanksgiving is the greatest feast of all. Even for the vegans. One year I added a Tofurkey to the menu; it didn’t go over well and I suspect there were vegans who ate more meat than just the sausage in the stuffing — even though I also made a veggie stuffing. But one of them couldn’t eat that because it had onions. The pecan pie was not nut free.

There is always a family member who can’t get away to attend, and that’s my biggest disappointment. The other thing I can’t control is cellphone use. Everyone is constantly on their iPhone or iPad. It’s annoying. But I don’t want to be the cranky host who says No Cell Phones. What can I do?

–M.M., Boston

Congratulations on conquering the allergens and, yes, there is something quite sensible you can do about the cellphones. Pick a timeframe, probably starting when everyone sits down to dinner and ending after the last pie plate is cleared, when your home is strictly in the No Cell Phone Zone. Meaning that all the cellphones go into a basket during the allotted timeframe. Ahead of Thanksgiving, let everyone know that due to the proliferation of cellphones when you all get together, you're initiating the No Cell Phone Zone -- say, between five and seven o'clock. Stick to it. Make it clear to the adults that there will be no exceptions. If the kids see them checking their email, they'll want to check theirs, too.

~Didi

50th Anniversary Party for Parents
Creative Etiquette Solutions

50th Anniversary Party for Parents

With our spouses we want to celebrate our parents’ Fiftieth Anniversary and invite their closest friends. However, my parents’ five children are not all in the same financial position. My sister and I are willing to foot most of the bill for a Lobster Bake in their honor, but we think our siblings should pitch in and pay for themselves and their children instead of bringing boxed gifts to the party. Our parents are downsizing and don’t need anything. Celebrating with the entire family would mean more to them than material objects. How do we work this out to make all the families feel we’re on a somewhat level playing field? I might add that travel expenses will be incurred by many of us.

–Anonymous, Narragansett

Make a list of all the ways that your siblings can contribute to the 50th anniversary party for parents with toasts, songs, flowers for the centerpieces, or by baking the anniversary cake. Find out who has what to offer in terms of airline miles to bring one of the family members home for the celebration. Or does someone live near the New Hampshire line and can buy inexpensive beer and wine at one of the state's liquor stores, while someone else is assigned to making up cheese plates.

Handle this as a team effort. Look for ideas and resources as to how the other three families can contribute in a meaningful way. Maybe one of the families can write and sing a song to your parents. Put one of your siblings in charge of putting together a music track that includes your parents' favorites. Another could be in charge of decorations and making up placards for the seating. Yet another sibling can be keeping track of who is doing or bringing what so that you don't end up with too much craft beer and no ice to chill it. Find a volunteer to put together a chronological assortment of family photos over the past five decades. Another creative type can design the invitation and send it out after assembling a guest list.

As the paying hosts you and your sister should figure out the cost to host each person, including guests, partners, and dates attending the Lobster Bake. Be sure to negotiate a reduced price for children under sixteen.

Let's estimate the cost of the Lobster Bake to be $65 per adult. Then ask your siblings to pay that for their own dinners, saying you will be covering your parents and their friends. Encouraging your siblings' families to pitch in by creating other expressive ways to celebrate your parents anniversary will assure success.

~Didi

Party Vaping
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Party Vaping

Our daughter is having her 21st birthday party in our home with 21+ of her closest friends. She says it is too cold to make her friends go outside to smoke and wants us to allow them to smoke inside our house for that one night. Her prediction is they will smoke outside whether we like it or not.

We feel hypocritical allowing them to smoke in our house when years ago we banned cigarette smoking. What would be a good solution?

–JW, Providence, RI

Make a compromise with your daughter after reiterating your disapproval of tobacco. Tell her that her friends can vape on their electronic cigarettes. That way no matter what they're smoking, it won't stink up your house, because vaping on an e-cigarette emits vapor and not smoke. No odor. They can vape in a movie theatre. So. Why not in your house? Those who insist on smoking tobacco cigarettes can smoke out in the cold.

~Didi

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