E-Mail Etiquette Archives - Newport Manners

How Not To Be Rude — Relationships
Creative Etiquette Solutions

How Not To Be Rude — Relationships

My question concerns manners and etiquette in relationships. Between work and play there is a slippery slope about how not be rude. My girl friend, who recently lost her father, told me I was “a rude individual” and that I should be more aware of other people. What can you do to help me? I need a crib sheet in a nutshell.

–RG, Stamford, CT

Relationships are hard enough to negotiate as it is. If your girlfriend complains that you're rude, you probably are. It's hurtful, I know, but politeness is a badge of its own. Look at your mistakes and learn. Your girlfriend can straighten your tie and make reservations for you and your friends to have dinner. But, how not to be rude in any situation takes empathy and consideration. And, buddy, there is a difference between expressing your opinion and being rude. In a heavy nutshell, toss over in your mind some of the points below and think about how you behave now and how you could behave better. Never be intimidating Don't make people accommodate themselves to your needs. For instance:

Be patient and allow a person to adapt, adjust, orient herself to the loss of a family member. Grieving is a process. She will reconcile herself to her loss in her own time and in her own way.
In the workplace, keep in mind that nobody appreciates a high-maintenance colleague. Instead of forcing someone to kowtow to your idea, be flexible. Show the person they are worthy of alterations on your part. Work it out. Teammates support one another.

Be a better communicator:

Communication Is Everything

Communicate when you're running late, whether you go virally or verbally. A few minutes tardy when meeting someone is understandable; a longer wait is unconscionable. Send a text to say you're on your way and give your estimated time of arrival. Missing any meeting or date you're expected at without explanation is rude.

Don't be a no-show. Even if you recognize the meeting will be productive without you, let people know that you've been detained and when they can expect to see you.

On the other hand, never apologize too profusely for being late or a no-show, because over-explaining is a surefire sign that you're not telling the truth or that you're exaggerating.

RSVP when there is a cutoff date and it is not a pay-to-play event (such as a charity or political fundraiser). If I've asked you to RSVP to a birthday dinner for a mutual friend, and your seat is one of twelve at the table, I need to know if you will fill that seat.

Passive-aggressive behavior is tiresome. We get it, you're shy or you're waiting for a better invitation before accepting mine. It is still rude not to accept or regret in a timely fashion.

Within three days, preferably sooner, answer a letter with a letter, an email with an email, a phone call with a phone call, a text with a text -- except if he's in the next cubicle and you can walk right over.

If you're strapped for time, just say, "I'm boarding a plane to Dubai, will get in touch." Ideally, answer in the other person's method of communicating.

Confirm a date or meeting. If you've accepted a verbal invite and told the person you were putting the date into your calendar, there is nothing wrong about going ahead and confirming the date for exact time and place.

When you've invited friends or colleagues, the verbal invitation needs a confirm with the invitees who have accepted. The message should be simple, such as "We have a reservation for lunch at the Black Pearl at 12:30, Tuesday. See you then." When confirming, whether you're the host or invitee, clarify who is paying. "Let's go dutch treat." Or, "It's our turn to treat you." Or, "I'm paying."

Otherwise, the person who initiated the invitation pays the bill. The exception is when it has explicitly been specified from the start that, say, the two couples are going "dutch treat," with each couple paying their own way.

Never be intimated by rudeness Vancouver psychologist Jennifer Newman warns -- that, according to research -- rudeness in the workplace can spread like a virus. She urges workers who have been treated rudely to take some time before interacting with anyone else. The height of rudeness is profound language accompanied by finger wagging. images-171

Who pays? Dutch Treat: When one person says to the other, "Let's meet at the Clarke Cooke House for lunch on Tuesday," it is understood that the cost of the lunch will be shared. Otherwise, when you're having lunch or meeting for lunch the assumption is that you are both paying your share.

When the person is inviting you to lunch and says, "Let's have lunch, my treat?" she's telling you she's paying.

Treat waitstaff wisely

At the restaurant, don't be rude to the waitstaff. You don't have to chat him up and ask him his name and where he's from because he's got other tables waiting for his attention. If you overdo it with the chit-chat, he see tips from his other tables being effected big time.

Respect the waitstaff's time. Rudeness will only get you bad service. Personal Space Respect other people's psychological boundaries. Honor the fact that there is a good reason why they were late, negligent, absent, forgetful, or dysfunctional. Physically, hold back on touching, not everyone wants you to touch their hand, arm, shoulder, or back, or be hugged or kissed.

Show concern. But never ask questions that are too personal, especially when it is "personal business." 'Personal' means none of your business.

Everybody is dealing with something. When the person is ready to talk about it, they will do so. When they don't want you to know that their son dropped out of college, they won't want to talk about it, because discussing it will only make them feel worse.

Respect the fact that everyone has their own personal space and that zone is not like any other person's space; keep at an arm's length from people who aren't related to you

If I don't really want you touching me, I'm going to like you even less because you're being disrespectful of my personal space. Try to tune into the other person's body language before mauling them. More on personal space:

It's bad manner to invite a particular person to lunch or to party after work in front of other people, unless all of those listening have already been asked to join you.

When approaching a friend or colleague and he is talking to another person, wait to proceed until you're signaled to come into the conversation. If he wants to include you, he will turn to you and say, "Fred, come over here and meet Jim Harris, our new CMO."

When I'm following you as you walk through a door and approaching your personal space, hold the door open for me and I'll do the same for the person behind me.

Same goes for when budging into traffic. You may not know me, but if I'm on foot and there's no crosswalk, let me pass through before you inch your way forward.

Whatever you do, don't cut the line at the grocery store, even if you are only carrying three items. I'm busy, too, with a pre-schooler to fetch at noon.

Don't be a name dropper At no time, do you want to be caught namedropping, whether it is invoking your boss's name -- to make you sound more privy to him or her -- or, socially to give the appearance that you're best of friends with a popular person whose social sphere you aspire to belong.

What if the boss had told the person you weren't at the top of his list?

An exception would be if you went on a date in high school with Julia Roberts.

It can be social suicide to try to use a higher-up's position to further your own goals by dropping their name.

~Didi

How Not To Write An Annoying Email —
Creative Etiquette Solutions

How Not To Write An Annoying Email —

There is nothing more annoying than a bothersome email. With my requisite Starbucks coffee container in hand, I arrive at my desk at nine o’clock five mornings a week greeted by twenty emails that I’ll have to get behind me ASAP. Knowing full well that I’ll probably have to deal with a hundred more in my inbox during the course of my day. Some of which are unintentionally rude, and I find it a tiresome chore keeping up the politeness. Sometimes I want to write back “Don’t type at me like that.” In retrospect, I’m assuming my emails at times might be equally as irritating. How do I not write an annoying email?

–H.M., Providence, RI

Well, excuse us Mr. High and Mighty, who receives over a hundred emails a day. Aren't you important. Do you ever think to unsubscribe to the daily, weekly, monthly repeats? Treat every work-related email as potential public information. You can control them -- or let them control you -- by handling your emails in batches over the course of the day. While you're at it, control the length of your sentences. Annoying

Asking for a response in the subject line: Urgent - reply by 5:00 p.m. today
A greeting that doesn't get to the point right away. I really don't need to know that you just got back from Aspen.
Please, don't sound like a fourth grader with an assignment to write an email.
Don't crowd the email with paragraphs. If you really want me to respond immediately, try cutting down to between 50 and 150 words. Studies show that response rates actually decline 50% after 125 words.
If you want my attention, use both strong positive and negative words.
When an email uses too many bullet points or a variety of color texts to hold my attention, I know the person is trying way too hard.
On that note, I know that you're being annoyingly strategic when you use Yesware (because I see that your email arrived by way of a software tracking device in my inbox between 6 a.m. and 7 a.m.). I get it that you're hoping for a high response rate.

Most Annoying Phrases

I'm sorry
I mean (when at the start of a sentence)
I have a stupid question
I have your back
This is my opinion
This might be off topic
Allow me to be the devil's advocate
Please don't hesitate to contact me
No offense, but
No worries
No problem (instead of you're welcome)
price point
secret sauce
break the internet
walk it back
giving me life
to be honest with you
you know what I'm saying
it is what it is
at the end of the day
throwing (someone) under the bus
game on
check all the boxes
how ya doin'
step up your/my game
bring it
safe space
microaggression
you're entitled to your own opinion, but not your own facts

Crib notes for being not annoying

Don't be wishy washy.
Shorter sentences are more to the point.
Keep the email to no longer than 5 sentences.

Most Annoying Words

out-winded
synergy
pivotal
whatever
huge
unsure
but
just
like
amazing
basically
problematic
stakeholder
presser
physicality
twerking
awesomesauce
fap
literally
so (when used as the first word in a sentence)
conversation (when you mean discussion or debate)
absolutely (when you mean "yes")
honestly (when it tends to mean the opposite)

Abrasive Tone Watch your tone. During face-to-face conversation we pick up on your psychological as well as physical demeanor. We listen to the tone of your voice. Happy voice or angry voice? We know from your composure, posture, facial expression, and gestures how you're reacting to the subject at hand. I'll remember the emotional tone of your email long after I've forgotten the topic.

Before clicking Send, ask yourself: How will the receiver of this message interpret the intention and mood of your words? Will I be making this person feel sad, mad, guilty, self-critical or stressed?
Sarcasm is considered derisive or condescending.

Annoying Cuteness

In a professional email, especially when you don't know the person well, don't use text speak (LOL, ASAP, BTW, FOMO, etc.). Or ALL CAPS, because it feels as though you're screaming at me, when in fact you may simply be too lazy to switch from upper to lower case.
Never overuse punctuation!!!!!
Never use emoticons because to most of us they are super annoying.

Lastly, consider whether a phone call might be the more efficient route to getting a read on the recipient, before jumping to a false conclusion in an email.

And finally, in the workplace assume that every message you send is read by two people -- other than you.

~Didi

My Boyfriend — The Texter — Relationships
Creative Etiquette Solutions

My Boyfriend — The Texter — Relationships

With Valentine’s Day approaching, I’m contemplating dropping my boyfriend ‘the Texter,’ as my friends call him, because he prefers a 2-D relationship to spending real time with me. I want to tell him face to face that occasional sexting doesn’t compensate for warm and cuddly or spontaneous conversation. I want to read his facial expressions and interpret the tone of his voice. Is that too much to ask from someone who he calls me his girlfriend?

–AGT, Brooklyn, NY

Think of texting as maintenance. Obviously there is a right way of texting to strengthen your relationship and knowing there's a wrong way that only creates distance. There are things you shouldn't be texting about. For instance new information that could leave one of you wondering during the downtime, when you're not texting, that something is new or amiss. Just because you can tell anything to anyone at anytime doesn't mean you necessarily should. For instance, if you had applied for a new dream job that came through and he waited a couple of hours to text back "Gratz!" Wouldn't you be annoyed that he waited so long and didn't seem as thrilled as you would have liked him to be, if you had waited to tell him in person? Level with him. You're not on the same playing field. You're looking for romance and he's still into his x-box. Maybe it is time to move on. Tell him how you feel. Set guidelines about spending time together. Tell him you both have to save the important conversations like your acing your dream job -- or wanting to break up with him because you you two don't get enough face time -- so that he can see your glow when you're with him, or you his disappointment that you're dumping him.

~Didi

Most Annoying Social Media
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Most Annoying Social Media

Some people have too much time on their hands sitting in traffic or behind a desk, or watching TV, so they resort to fidgeting with social media to wile away the hours. Checking for updates to see who liked and shared their (and their ‘friends’) latest posts and who attended which party, and in which swell pub or restaurant they are imbibing and dining. As much as I love family and friends, enough is enough. How can I avoid being that annoying person who whittles away time addicted to social media? I’m just as guilty as they are.

–S.S., Los Angeles

About cutting back on annoying social media. You can pull back by blocking the more irritating sharers and editing back on a couple of your own annoying topics. A recent U.K. study highlighted the most annoying social media topics. The most egregious, unsurprisingly, are posts on diet and exercise, promoting the latest miracle shake -- Shakeology -- or bragging about their conquest in the marathon. Let whoever shot the photo of you at the finish line post the share. Then there are the meal and recipe sharers, who have discovered the quickest way to peel the skin off of an avocado or to make pastries in the shape of roses. Along with the signature dish at the latest name-drop restaurant that happens to have just arrived as your dinner. Send those food clips only to your foodie friends.

Gaming invitations seem to be on the wane until the next batch of virtual gambling descends upon us, but the baby photos are full force out of control. Not just the parents, but the grandparents and friends of friends are cooing and ooh-ing. Maybe don't go public with those shares. Send them to Family + Close Friends. Likewise with the selfies, you really don't want your work colleagues knowing that you enjoy pole dancing on girls' night out.

On the other hand, those who share too much about themselves need our empathy. How do we 'Like' the fact that their dog died? It's confusing. If you Like the post that their dog died, what exactly do you like? The feeling that you're supporting your friend in their grief? Does that really translate as sharing in their mourning process? Send a card. Yes, we love watching an occasional video of a mother elephant and her calf frolicking, but not more than once a day. Event spammers, tweet your event date only a couple of times, because too many reminders may encourage us not to go. They are in the same class as self-promoters. Can anyone be more annoying?

~Didi

Email Etiquette Update
Creative Etiquette Solutions

Email Etiquette Update

My employees don’t know how to send a decent email. Not just to me, but their emails to clients are often, brisk, rude, sloppy and either too friendly or cold, or too long and wordy. I would like to send an email around to the staff with guidelines as to how to write a decent email. What are the dos and don’t for an email?

–E.M., Providence, RI

If need be, you can forward this answer to your employees as a staff memo. Subject: Email Guide for All Employees If you're taking the time to write an email, you want to make it easy for a busy person to read and respond in a timely fashion. Brevity and personalizing are key to catching the recipient's attention. Always make use of the subject line: A quick tax tip (or question); Lunch October 12th?; Here's the info you asked for. After opening a long email, how often do you Save it to read later? You then forget about it. Right? To avoid having your email deleted or forgotten, put yourself in the recipient's shoes and assist him or her in assessing -- at a glance -- if your email is: 1. spam, 2. too time consuming, and 3. a matter of interest to them: What does he want from me? What can this person (you) do for me? To hold their attention, make it a Me-mail about him or her and not only about you, by using a subject line about them: You'll like this proposal or Info for your vacation. In other words, make the first glance a helpful hint to what comes next. Then use a personalized salutation, such as Dear George, or Dear Mr. Magoo, and you've made them feel special by respectfully addressing them by name -- and don't address anyone as "Hey dude." In business, never use a greeting or opening line such as Hi or Hey, as in "Hey, what do you think of this business plan?" Instead, use his name and write, George, this plan can work for you. The only time you wouldn't need a greeting is when the email is to a good friend or relative with whom you communicate frequently. They know you by your email address and you're dialoguing about Thanksgiving plans or a movie you're going to see. But still give them the heads up in the subject line to peak their interest or to assure them that your message is brief: Quick tax question or What time is lunch today? Lead with an introduction. Even if you've met the person once or twice, introduce yourself. "We met at lunch with David Crawford two weeks ago. You were looking for someone to restore your house and I'd like to set up an appointment." Throw out a date and time and he'll come back with the best day for him. Include a link to your website where he can see houses you recently restored. Whether the goal of the email is simply to make contact, ask a favor, or to give a persuasive sales pitch, write brief, focused emails in short sentences within short paragraphs. You don't want their interest to wane, because brevity is always more persuasive. Instead of including an infographic and/or image within the text, be efficient and provide a link they can download and look at later. In closing, ask for a response by a certain time or date: Can you let me know by the end of the day (as long as today isn't a Monday or Friday) or Before we can go forward with our plan, we'll need a reply by October 1st. You can follow up once, because they may have missed your first email, but a second follow-up can be annoying. Encourage the recipient to respond immediately by adding a request for confirmation, as in Please, confirm your current contact, is a polite way of pushing for an immediate reply. Most importantly, before pressing Send, proofread your email for spelling and grammar and edit out any redundancy by asking yourself: Am I being a repetitive bore? How can I make this e-mail shorter -- a quicker read? And yet have even more intent focus? Also, don't forget to monitor your tone. Does your email reflect a bit too much your grouchy mood, Monday morning blues, or Friday afternoon ebullience? Always use a respectful closing: Kind regards, Kindest regards, Most sincerely, Cheers (for friends), or even Let's keep in touch. Instead of cc-ing or blind copying your email, your message will look special -- and not as though it is part of a mass emailing -- if, after sending it to the recipient, you forward it to others from your Sent box. Beneath your closing, include your full name, title, company, address, phone number, website and email address, but hold back on the social media buttons, logos and never use emoticons, because many of us think they're silly and/or unprofessional.

~Didi

What about Signing off An Email
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What about Signing off An Email

What is the etiquette for signing off an email for business and personal emails? I certainly don’t do Xs and Os, but Yours truly, and Sincerely, don’t work for me.

–A.D., Chicago, IL

Even in business, signing off an email is personal because it reflects who you are. Express your personality -- even a little bit. When closing with Yours truly, Best wishes, Kind regards, or Sincerely, you leave the reader with a bland feeling, blah, blah, blah.... How you end a communication varies depending on the context and your relationship with the recipient. Use Respectfully, or Respectfully yours, when recommending someone for a job or membership, because it means: I respect you and this other person enough to recommend or endorse you both. A friendlier, yet still business-like closing, would be to write: Have a great weekend. To close an email dialogue for the rest of the day: Have a great night -- meaning that's it from me on this end (so don't bother texting). Or, when there is a special occasion or event: Have a wonderful vacation -- holiday, honeymoon, afternoon delight, trip, sabbatical, birthday weekend, or Thanksgiving. Personally, I adore singing off with Cheers, but to some people it sounds too British and thus pretentious. When I'm emailing my really good friend we don't sign off. We assume we'll be back online where we left off eventually and leave the conversation open- ended. Then we pick back up without a Hi or Dear -- the way you don't sign off a text. For a get well ending I'll use: All best wishes for a speedy (swift) recovery, You'll be back in circulation before you know it, I'll see you on the dance floor in August, Sympathy: You're in my thoughts, or I'll be thinking of you, Condolence: You and John are in my thoughts and prayers, or Bill joins me in sending our best wishes, I'm not a big fan of XXOO or Hugs. I never use them. They seems too middle-school. If I truly love someone, I'll end: Love, Didi With my children it is always unconditional: Lots of love always, For friends: Hope to see you soon, Let's get together soon, Talk to you soon, Until Thursday, See you for dinner Saturday, Closing a message to a colleague: Wonderful to hear from you, Great job, Keep up the good work, Work well done. When I don't know what to say because the message is philanthropic, I use: Kindest regards, and With much appreciation, That's all for now, cheers,

~Didi

What about Employee’s Snippy Emails
Creative Etiquette Solutions

What about Employee’s Snippy Emails

What do I do about an employee’s snippy emails? She sends me a cc of her email to all clients. She is doing an excellent job otherwise, but the tone of her emails is off-putting and rude. Her probation time is coming up and it’s time to hire her permanently or let her go. What’s your advice?

–Anonymous, Providence

You cannot have an employee's snippy emails affecting business relationships with clients. Talk to her. Sit her down and discuss the problem with the tone of her emails. Say, "I can't hire you permanently, if you don't change the tone of your emails to our clients. Too often your emails sound snippy and rude. Nobody needs to know that you are in a bad mood, because bad moods are contagious. Like a bad cold." End with, "Aside from your tone, your job performance is excellent. How are we going to solve this problem?" Then make a couple of suggestions. Ask her to take more time with her emails. Tell her to hold back on firing off a response before she's gone over the email at least twice. Suggest that she edits her emails not only for spelling, content and grammar, but a second time for tone; asking herself how she would feel receiving an email in that tone of voice? Give her an example of her snippiness. Print it out and show it to her. Ask her what she thinks about the tone. How does it make her feel? How can she say the same thing in a friendlier tone with an equally strong voice? Lastly, tell her that you cannot hire her permanently until she can demonstrate that she can control her emotions when communicating with clients.

3026788-inline-i-1-amber-mac-dialed-klick-no-email

Offer her a trial period in which you give her feedback on how she is doing. But don't make it longer than a week. It may be too difficult emotionally to break the snippiness. If she continues to emote her personal feelings in company emails, she is not a good fit for your company's business relationships. It is truly possible that by pointing out the problem to her, she can learn to monitor when she is wearing her heart on her sleeve and appropriately self-correct.

~Didi

Life in The Cube
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Life in The Cube

For the most part I keep my head down working eight hours a day and eat lunch in my cube. One of 520 6-by-7 foot cookie-cutter cubicles. No window or door. Four neighbors, to the north, east, south and west. I know more about my coworkers than they would want anyone to know.

I know too many secrets that are private information about medical problems. For instance, medical information the company would consider serious in terms of health insurance and promotions. There are affairs between married coworkers. One has a guy crush on our scruff-chic boss. My question is this, how do I let them know that their secrets are not safe? If I know their secrets, others must, too.

–keeping my head down, Chicago

These sound like serious secrets that would jeopardize a career. It also sounds as though you want to be nice. Go ahead on an individual basis and tell each neighbor to your north, east, south, and west that if you know their secrets, others must have heard them too. Warn them to watch what they say on the phone and in person. You better not put anything in writing or say anything while in a cubicle or corridor. Look for a silent conference room and say, "Can I have a word with you in private?" Or simply walk out with them at the end of the day to tell them. To show your sincerity show your open palms so they get the sense that you have no alterer motive or ax to grind and trust you. What you're saying is what it is and they need to listen.

~Didi

Cellphone Etiquette
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Cellphone Etiquette

Is it rude to ignore a living mortal in favor of a cellphone?

I work on a checkout counter at a large home goods store where customers talk on their cellphones while checking out.

They’ll ask me a question, but don’t hear the answer because they’re listening to the cellphone at the same time. I feel as though they put me on hold and ignore me, when they should be paying attention to the transaction.

I’ll say they have to swipe their card again, but they’re too busy talking to pay attention to what I’m saying. In the meantime, they are slowing down the line making me feel less productive.

How does a guy get respect?

–Patrick, Providence

The customer may always be right in most instances, but when it comes to making someone else's job more difficult because he's being inconsiderate, it is time to take action. Tell your superior you want a No Cellphone sign at your register and tell him why customers on cellphones are slowing down the lines. If he says no, ask him to consider a compromise and allow you to post one for two weeks to see if the line works smoother. With the holiday shoppers upon you, you better put that sign up soon.

~Didi

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